When Gods Go Criminally Insane
by LinzRW
Summary: Sequel to 'Survival Guide to the Criminally Insane Akatsuki' and 'Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal' - Kate, Hannah, Dessie, and the Akatsuki back for more madness and murder and mayhem and massacres
1. FiftyFourth Time Lucky

**Chapter One: Fifty-Fourth Time Lucky**

**Kate**

I yawned and rolled over, the bed squeaking beneath me. To no one's surprise Kisame had crawled into bed with me the night before. My face blushed the color of a tomato and I slipped out of the bed, grabbing some clothes and getting dressed. I took ne glance at Kisame and then headed for the kitchen. As usual, I was the early riser at the hideout. Very few Akatsuki members willingly get up before seven. I put the coffee on, made myself a bowl of cereal, and settle down to watch the news. When that was over, I headed back to the kitchen and decided to make pancakes today.

I should have known better.

When the other fifty-three attempts end with explosions, blood, fish, human-body parts, sugar, chakra, poison, and other deadly things, I should know better than to try for a fifty-fourth time. But – hey! – fifty-fourth time lucky?

I started pulling ingredients from the pantry (thank you, Itachi, for keeping us well stocked on food) when Tobi sauntered into the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffeepot.

"I thought you hated coffee," I said, starting to add ingredients to the mixing bowl.

Tobi turned around to face me, his one visible eye narrowing. "Don't mess with my coffee."

"Oh. It's you."

Madara picked up his first cup of coffee and start downing it.

"It's probably a good thing, I can't imagine what the world would come to if Tobi liked coffee." I paused and then turned to stare at Madara. "Why are you you anyways?"

Madara snorted. "Tobi had a nightmare last night and it scared him so much that he switched places with me."

"That's terrible," I cried. "What was the nightmare about?"

"Something to do with fanged teddy bears."

I tried to smother a giggled. "Fanged teddy bears are very frightening."

"To think that is my appearance ninety-percent of the time." Madara chugged down the rest of the coffee and then poured himself another cup.

"You'd better not finish all the coffee," I said. "Leader, Dessie, Kakuzu, and Itachi are coffee drinkers of the highest degree."

"I know."

I grinned and added some more ingredients to the bowl. "Right. Itachi destroyed half a forest, Leader make Deidara and Hidan clean the entire hideout with a toothbrush, Kakuzu had a melt down and destroyed all of Tobi's Nunu plushies, and then Dessie put her foot through the flat screen TV."

"Not my problem."

"No," I said. "It was Tobi's problem."

"There are some plus sides – I can appear every once and awhile, piss everyone off, and then change back into Tobi."

"It's always the coffee," I said with a sigh.

"Coffee is life."

The door of the kitchen flew open and Kisame charged in, his blue face stretched into a massive grin. "I missed my morning cuddle, Kate! You have no idea how sad that made me!"

"I'm making pancakes."

Kisame paused and peered at the giant bowl of what would soon be pancake mixture. He grinned and hugged me around the shoulders. "This is why I love you – _pancakes_! I get first dibs!"

"Okay!"

Madara snorted and continued to chug down his third cup of coffee. He froze, mid-chug, and then spat the entire contents of the cup all over Kisame and I. He hopped up and down, waving his hands and shrieking. "Bad! Bad! Tobi doesn't like coffee! Black! Bad! Ew! Ew! Bad! Ew!"

"Looks like Tobi is back," said Kisame wiping the coffee off his face and then turning to clean mine.

I ignored Kisame and glowered at Tobi, Or, it wasn't me glowering – technically. (Ten Second Recap: In Seanova, I acquired a homosexual split personality named Felix) Felix flipped off Tobi and, um, said some not very nice things. Tobi froze mid-hack and stared at me with one wide eye. He started to tear up and fled the kitchen crying, "Kate is mean! Tobi didn't do anything wrong! Mean! Mean!"

"I'm sorry!" I called after him. "Sorry! It was Felix, not me!"

"Quit blaming me, bitch," said Felix. "That stupid git spat hot coffee all over us."

"He didn't know he was drinking it!" I cried. "Tobi is just as messed up as we are!"

"Yeah, yeah, defend that mask wearing idiot."

I sighed and returned to my cooking. "Why did Felix have to come back with me?"

"Are you kidding?" asked Kisame. "I love Felix! He provides me with much entertainment."

"I'm glad he makes you so happy."

**Hannah**

I rolled over in bed and groaned. Konan had been up for two hours preparing files and papers for Leader's work day – how does she do that! I make it a personal rule never to get up before nine. Anything that happens in the Akatsuki hideout before nine can't be good. Then again, neither can anything that happens after nine.

I glanced at my clock, which read 9:03. Well, it's after nine, I should probably get up. So, I slipped out of bed, grabbed my clothes, and like the usual morning zombie that I am, I staggered to the bathroom.

A quick note about that bathroom – I have to share it with Zetsu and Deidara. There were five showers in the Akatsuki hideout. One that Leader and Konan share. One that Deidara, Zetsu, and I share. One that Itachi, Tobi, Kakuzu, and Sasori share. One that Kisame and Kate use that adjoins to their bedroom. One that Hidan and Dessie use for their rituals (they usually borrow someone else's shower afterwards, much to everyone's irritation).

As you can imagine, the shower arrangements have led to some weird situations. Like the time Dessie walked in on Kisame and Kate sharing a shower. Or the time Deidara and Zetsu got into a fight over who got to use the shower first and since neither one of them would back down they ended up getting a shower together. Or the time Tobi flooded the bathroom so he could play with his rubber bath-toys – a pissed off Sasori then used the toys as puppets and made them come to life and torment Tobi in the night. That situation never repeated itself.

Anyways, entertaining and humiliating shower stories aside, this particular December morning, I got up to use the shower and found that Deidara was already in it. Fun Fact: I hate waiting to use the bathroom.

I knocked on the door once.

"Yeah, uhn?"

"Deidara, if you don't get out of the bathroom right now I will show everyone the video tape of what you did on my birthday to Zetsu's favorite cat-eating cactus."

Pause.

The door of the bathroom flew opened and Deidara, dressed in only a towel, came sprinting out. He managed one "Good morning" before he fled down the hall and back to his room. I smiled and stepped into the bathroom. Personally, I love the shower arrangement

When I was clean and dressed, I headed to the kitchen. Kate was making pancakes (again) with Kisame hovering over her shoulder. I took one look at the pancake mix and headed for the pantry to find some cereal.

"You don't need that," said Kate. "I'm making pancakes."

"Good luck with that," I said, picking up a box of honeycomb. "Let me know if you actually get to eat one this time."

"Come on," said Kate. "There's bound to be one time when nothing terrible happens to them."

"Sure… But I'll stick to my cereal."

I had just finished pouring the milk when Leader entered the kitchen, looking extremely sleeping. He didn't even acknowledge us as he crossed the kitchen to the coffeepot. He paused and stared blankly at the pot. "Where's my coffee?"

"Madara," said Kate. "You can make some more."

Leader turned to glare at Kate. "I don't want to wait for my coffee. I am the leader of an S-ranked criminal organization – _and I can't even have a fucking cup of coffee when I want_."

Kate shivered.

"You can always go torment Madara in revenge," I said helpfully.

"Madara turned back into Tobi," said Kate.

I shrugged. "All the more reason to torment him."

Kate shot me a You-Are-Not-Helping glare, before turning to Leader with a nervous smile. "I'll bring a cup of coffee to your office a few minutes."

Leader paused. He was staring at the bowl of pancake mix behind Kate. She followed his gaze and then turned back to him, a puzzled expression on her face. "What?"

Leader headed back to his office. "Whoever makes the mess is cleaning it up."

"No one is going to destroy the pancakes this time!"

As soon as Leader left, Zetsu appeared in the kitchen looking extremely disturbed. He greeted Hannah and then headed straight for his personal freezer when he kept the human body parts. He pulled down the bag of fingers leftover from last night and started munching on them. Kate shuddered and turned back to her pancakes. She turned on the stove and placed the pan on it, waiting for the metal to heat up.

"What's up?" I asked.

Zetsu shivered. "Deidara ran into our room this morning. We think we are going blind."

I snickered and retrieved the milk from the fridge. "Sorry about that."

"Did you kick him out of the bathroom again?"

"Maybe."

"Who's making pancakes?"

We all turned in the direction of the kitchen door. Sasori and Kakuzu had arrived. Kakuzu headed straight for the coffeepot while Sasori inspected the pancakes over kate's shoulder.

"I'm actually in the mood for pancakes," said Sasori.

"Don't get your hopes up," I said.

"Why not?"

"Where is the coffee?" asked Kakuzu.

"Pancakes never survive the creation process."

Zetsu started miming an explosion with his hands. He added in sound effects and ended with his head tilted to the side and his tongue hanging out.

"That doesn't always happen!" shouted Kate.

"Why is there no coffee?"

"Yeah," said Kisame, coming to his girlfriend's aid. "Sometimes Hidan and Dessie bring their most recent sacrifice into the kitchen to boast and it bleeds all over the pancakes."

Sasori blinked.

"Hey!" said Kate. "Fifty-fourth time lucky!"

I rolled my eyes at Sasori. "Always the optimist, our Kate is."

Kakuzu slammed his fist on the counter. "Where is my coffee, damn it?"

"Why can't anyone make their own coffee in this place!" wailed Kate.

**Dessie**

Hidan slipped into my bed again last night. Great. Maybe it's because his bed is covered in blood. Whatever. I don't want to deal with it. I kicked Hidan in the ribs and pushed him off the bed. He fell to the floor with a heavy _thud_.

"Fucking bitch!"

I sat up on the bed. "Stay out of my bed, Zombie Whore!"

"My bed is all sticky."

"Then get a fucking shower before you go to sleep!"

Hidan glared at me reproachfully. "Our shower is covered in blood."

"Go borrow Deidara's."

I hopped out of bed and examined myself in the mirror sleepily. Tank top, short-shorts, and bed hair that looked like a bush – yep, I looked like mornings. Urggggg.

"I'm going to get my coffee."

Hidan got to his feet and yawned. "I need to perform a ritual before breakfast."

"Have fun with that." I scratched the back of my head and headed for the kitchen.

Before you get all excited – Hidan and Dessie are still sharing a room – _Oh my Jashin_! No. Just no. I heard enough of that from Kisame. Enough of that from Kate. Enough of that from Konan – I don't need it from you. We were sharing a room as _just friends_. As fellow Jashin enthusiasts. Nothing else. Don't get excited.

When I arrived in the kitchen, it was already full of people. Hannah was peacefully eating her cereal while Kakuzu was freaking out over something. Zetsu was munching on some fingers while Kisame and Kate stood over the stove making pancakes.

"I'm not cleaning up," I said, crossing the room for the coffeepot.

"It's not going to explode!" cried Kate. "Fifty-fourth time lucky!"

I froze. And stared. And stared. "Where the fuck is my coffee?"

"I know," said Kakuzu. "I came in here and it was all gone – all gone."

"Who did it?" I asked, my voice dangerously low. "Who drank all my coffee?'

"_Madara_."

"That coffee-thieving bastard!" I spun around and punched the palm of my hand, grinding an imaginary Madara-head to dust. "Where is that shit?"

"He's Tobi now," said Kate. "And why can't any of you make your own coffee?"

"I don't care if he's Tobi or a fucking puppy," I hissed. "I will beat whatever form he's in until Madara can feel pain to the very depths of his soul."

"I'll help," said Kakuzu.

"You might want to enlist Leader too," said Kisame.

I inspected the kitchen racks for some good, sharp knives. Kate sighed and put the pancakes on hold to prepare another pot of coffee.

"So, Sasori," said Hannah absent-mindedly. "How is sharing a room with Kakuzu? Does he snore? Any annoying habits I should catch on film?"

"We stay out of each other's way," said Sasori.

"We admire your bravery," said Zetsu. "We would never dare go in the basement."

"I didn't have the Wargonia ordeal," said Sasori.

"It's still impressive. We thank you for your sacrifice."

"Hey, Dessie," said Kisame suddenly.

I pulled out a butcher's knife and inspected in tip carefully. "Yeah?"

"What happened to that, um," Kisame glanced at Kate. "_Special tape_, I leant to you."

"Oh? The Little Sexmaid? It's in my room. Do you need it back?"

Kate stopped filling the coffee machine and turned to stare at Kisame. "The Little Sexmaid? You have a video called the Little Sexmaid?" She squeaked the last words.

"It's not like you don't do dirtier things than in the video," I said, deciding the knife was perfect for the job.

"How would you know what dirty stuff they do?" asked Hannah.

"I borrow their shower," I said. "You should see–"

"Dessie," said Kate sweetly. "I could just not make you coffee this morning."

I cringed. "Not the coffee!"

Kate smiled, finished filling the machines, turned it on, and then returned to the pancakes while Kisame headed for my bedroom to collect his _special tape_.

I turned to Kakuzu and muttered, "I liked Kate better when she didn't have Felix – he's a bad influence on her."

Kakuzu nodded. "So, are we going on a Madara hunt?"

I grinned and lifted the knife for Kakuzu to see. "This is the last time that bastard messes with my coffee."

We didn't even make it to the door. Kisame came flying into the kitchen, screaming at the top of his lungs. He grabbed Kate by the shoulder and shook her violently.

"Hi-Hi-Hi- Oh my – Wha – Oh – Fuck – People – Blood – Oh – Hida – Ah!"

"Oops," I said. "I probably should have told you Hidan was performing a ritual… Was he doing the one where he starts tries to swallow his stick but ends up missing the stomach and it comes out through his spine? Or is it the one where he tries to stick the spear through one arm and have it come out the other arm?"

Kisame turned green, bent over, and threw up into the pancake mix.

"Oh, so it's the one where tries to stick the spear up his ass and have it come out his mouth."

"Well," said Hannah. "There goes the pancakes."

"No really thought they were going to last," said Kakuzu.

"I'm not cleaning it up," I added. "Oh look – the coffee is ready."

Kakuzu and I helped ourselves to freshly made coffee while Felix punished Kisame in horrible ways that I really didn't pay attention to because I was too busy enjoying my coffee. Then we all headed to the living room and left Kisame to clean on his own.

Yep. Fifty-fourth Time: Fail.

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**A/N: Hey - I said it wouldn't take me long to upload. I have the first five chapters already written and the story mapped out to chapter sixty something... **

**REVIEW! Or Kate will come and make you pancakes... And that never has a good ending.**


	2. Don't Be A Grinch

**Chapter Two: Don't Be A Grinch**

**Kate**

The meeting room is a special place in the Akatsuki hideout. No one enters it without Leader's permission. We use it for special occasion – when Leader has something important to announce. Basically the room has simple wood walls and no decorations. Leader and Konan sit behind a desk at the front of the room while the rest of us sit in chair which form a circle.

The afternoon after my fifty-fourth pancake fiasco (I was sure we would actually get to eat the pancakes this time), Leader called a meeting and we all filed into the room – anyone who was late would find himself missing all his fingers and toes the next morning.

"Are we all here?" asked Leader, straightening a pile of papers on his desk.

I glanced around the room. Just to give you a summary of the situation, the seating order went like this, starting with Leader's right: Itachi, Kisame, me, Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, Dessie, Hidan, Kakuzu, Hannah, Zetsu, and then Konan. We had to make sure to keep Tobi far away from Dessie and Kakuzu (the coffee shortage was still fresh in their minds).

"All here," said Kisame.

"Good. I don't have to decapitate anyone." Leader didn't look nearly as relieved as he ought to. He straightened up and stared at us all with the upmost severity. "We have a problem."

"Don't we always?" asked Dessie.

Leader decided to ignore her. "Ever since we have returned from Seanova, I've found that our fear ratings have dropped significantly."

"Well, yeah," said Deidara. "We weren't here to cause terror and destruction, uhn. I can fix that in an hour."

"Bang and Drop?" asked Dessie.

"Hell yeah, uhn."

"A simple Bang and Drop on a minor village won't help us," said Leader grimly. "We need to make these people tremble with nightmare inducing fear. We need them to wet themselves whenever the name 'Akatsuki' is mentioned."

"That never happened before we went away," said Kakuzu. "Why would it happen now?"

"Because, I have a plan," said Leader.

"We're listening."

"You are going to kidnap the Nine-Tails jinchuriki."

"Not this again," said Hidan. "We've tried this time and time again – they have our plan mapped out by now."

Leader gritted his teeth. "_This is not a negotiation_. You _will_ attack Konoha. You _will_ kidnap the Nine-Tails jinchuriki. And you _will_ invoke terror in all their hearts."

There was a collective muttering amongst the Akatsuki, but we all nodded begrudgingly in the end.

"Good. And you'll be doing it on Christmas Day."

"What!"

Dessie, Deidara, and Hidan leapt to their feet in outrage.

"You can't do that, uhn!"

"That's monstrous!" cried Dessie. "We shouldn't have to work on Christmas! Don't be a Grinch, Leader!"

"It's a fucking holiday!" shouted Hidan. "Maybe not a Jashin approved holiday, but an awesome holiday anyways!"

"Presents!" cried Dessie. "Presents! Free gifts from other people…"

"Free?" asked Kakuzu.

"It's in the spirit of Christmas!" wailed Dessie.

"We can't miss a holiday that involves free stuff!" added Kakuzu. "Can't we just steal from an orphan boy on Christmas and call it a day?"

"No!" snapped Leader. "As evil as it is – stealing from an orphan boy on Christmas won't cut it. We need to ruin thousands of people's Christmases. We must obliterate Konoha and run off with their beloved jinchuriki."

"We could kick some puppies," said Dessie hopefully.

"No."

"Steal candy from a baby?"

"No."

"Murder Santa Claus after he brings us presents?"

"As diabolical and funny as that is – no."

"Kidnap a beautiful and kind woman who is beloved by her village, torment her, mutilate her, and then give her disfigured corpse back to her family?"

"What?" Leader sighed and massaged his temples. "I have made up my mind and no matter what you say, I will not change it."

"But we want a Christmas celebration, uhn!"

I nodded. "Christmas is supposed to be a happy and cheerful time of year when people come together and have fun – it's nice to build up our reputation of evil and terror, but we need to have a happy and cheerful bonding time every now and again."

Kisame grinned at me and elbowed me in the ribs (it hurt). "Nice speech."

"I do it for happy and cheerful bonding time."

"And this Christmas sex."

My face turned bright scarlet. "That wasn't what I was thinking about!"

"Sure…"

"I have an idea," said Konan.

Immediately Leader turned to listen (how come he pays attention to Konan and no one else!).

"What if we had our Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve and then went out and destroyed Konoha on Christmas Day?"

We all paused to think about it.

"Do we still get free presents?" asked Kakuzu.

"You know," said Hannah. "Even if you receive free presents, you still have to buy them as well."

"What? No one mentioned that part of Christmas!"

"We don't want to buy every individual person a present," said Zetsu.

"No," said Dessie. "You just want to buy Hannah a present and no one else."

"I don't mind that," said Hannah.

"I'm not getting you a present," said Kakuzu.

"I wasn't expecting one."

"What!" cried Konan, getting to her feet. "Kakuzu! You have to buy your girlfriend a Christmas present?"

"It's expensive."

"You can get her something from the two dollar shop," said Sasori.

"Too expensive."

"Why are you even dating Hannah then!" asked Konan. She turned to Hannah. "See, this is why you should date Deidara."

"I'm not getting her a present, uhn."

"Deidara!" cried Konan. "You have to fight!"

"I have an idea," I said, raising my hand into the air.

Everyone ignored me. Why am I not surprised?

"Hidan will get Dessie a present, at least!" cried Konan.

"Why the fuck would I do that?" asked Hidan. "I only buy presents for people who get me presents."

"I'm not getting you a present," said Dessie.

"Tobi wants presents! Tobi will buy everyone presents! So will Hidan get Tobi a present?"

"Tobi is the exception," said Hidan. "I'm never giving him a present!"

"I have an idea!" I said, my voice rising a little higher.

"Are you going to get anyone a present?" asked Konan.

Dessie paused – her eyes searching around the room. "Ah-ha! Itachi! I'll get Itachi a present!"

"Hn?"

"He said no!"

"You don't even know what he said!"

"I have an idea..."

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone paused and turned to stare. Kisame was standing up, his massive sword drawn over his head and ready to smashing down on the head of whoever spoke next. Everyone was silent. Sure that he had everyone's attention, Kisame sat back down and turned to me. "What were you going to say?"

I blinked. "Thanks… Um, I have an idea. We could draw names out of a hat and then get a present to whoever's name we draw. That way everyone gets a present, but no one has to buy multiple."

Everyone thought about it.

"But you can't say who you drew!" cried Dessie, hopping up and down excitedly. "It has to be a surprise!"

"Um, sure…"

Leader sighed. "As long as this meeting ends and everyone shuts up, I don't care."

Konan pulled out some paper (we don't know where she stores that stuff) and we set to the task of writing down everyone's names and putting them in a bowl that Tobi fetched from the kitchen. Then, the Akatsuki formed a line and each one drew a name.

Itachi went first, he picked up the name, looked and it, said, "Hn," and then walked away.

"What did that mean?" asked Sasori.

"Hn," said Kisame.

"Um…'

"It translates as hn. It doesn't have any meaning but is a sound of faint amusement and mockery."

"Oh."

Kisame was next in line. He pulled out a slip of paper, grinned, and waltzed away from the bowl, snickering with boyish excitement.

Then came Tobi. He clapped his hands eagerly before plunging his hand into the bowl and pulling out the name. He held the paper up close to his eye before opening it. He read the name. Giggled. Glanced around suspiciously. Then crumpled up the paper and snuck away, pretending that no one could see him.

"Well that was weird," said Dessie.

"Who do you think he drew?" I asked.

"No idea." Dessie shrugged. "I pity whoever he drew though."

"Probably you," said Hannah.

"Please Jashin no…"

Next up was Deidara. He glowered at the bowl as he pulled out a name. He read the paper silently and let out a gigantic groan.

"Who'd you get?" asked Kisame.

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, but Dessie sprinted across the room to tackled Deidara. "Don't tell him!"

"What?"

"It has to be a secret!" cried Dessie. "Secret!"

"Okay! Okay!" said Kisame. "I won't ask!"

"Good." Dessie hopped off Deidara and returned to her place in line.

Sasori drew next. He looked at his paper and – keeping his expression completely blank – walked away.

Then came Hidan. Dramatically, he thrust his hand into the bowl and yanked out a piece of paper. The bowl teetered nervously on the table, threatening to spill over. Konan caught the bowl to stop it. She glowered at Hidan, but he wasn't paying attention – he eyes focused on the name he had drawn.

"What the hell am I supposed to get you?" he asked the paper.

"Don't say!" screamed Dessie.

"I don't know a single fucking thing about you," Hidan told the paper as he walked out of the meeting room. "Jashin! This is why Christmas is a pain! Can people die of Christmas?"

"What's his problem?" asked Hannah.

Kakuzu drew the next name. He read the name, sighed, and walked away. Such an interesting reaction.

Then it was Zetsu's turn. He closed his eyes, thrust a hand into the bowl, and whispered over and over again: "Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannh."

"Just pick one," said Hannah wearily. "My name might not even be in there anymore."

Zetsu pulled out a piece of paper and opened it carefully. "Aw, fuck." And then he walked away.

We stood there, watching him leave. Then I turned to Dessie and Hannah and said, "Have you ever heard Zetsu swear before?"

"Not to my memory," said Dessie. "Though I'm sure he has." She reached into the bowl and pulled out a name. She read it. Once. Twice. Three times. Then threw back her head and cackled. "Jackpot!"

"Who'd you draw?" I asked eagerly.

"Nuh-uh, I can't tell you," said Dessie. "It's a secret!"

Hannah pulled her name out and sighed. "You know the moment your back is turned they're all going to tell each other."

"No if I can help it!" cried Dessie.

Hannah read her name and sighed. "Well… It could be worse."

I chose one of the three remaining names and read my lucky choice carefully – _Kisame_. "Oh wow. That's perfect."

Konan pulled out the last two names and handed one to Leader and took one for herself. They read their names. Leader groaned while Konan made a face.

"I don't know what he likes," she muttered.

"Don't say!" cried Dessie. "Even a 'he' is too much information."

"The majority of the Akatsuki is male," said Hannah. "The odds are that she'll pick a guy."

"But now we all know she didn't pick one of us," said Dessie.

"Whatever."

Hannah crumpled up her paper and shoved it in her pockets. She headed for the exit and Dessie and I followed. Kisame met me at the door and we headed for the living room.

"Well," I said. "At least this will make for an interesting Christmas."

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**A/N: Writing this is weird simply because it's 100 degrees out and as far from Christmas as you can get. But hey - Fallen Angels Still Have Wings - bringing Christmas to you in the middle of summer because she can.**

**REVIEW! Or Leader will come and steal your Christmas! Grinch-Style! **


	3. Tis The Season

**Chapter Three: 'Tis The Season**

**Hannah**

To begin this chapter, I will have you know that I did not go willingly. Dessie, Hidan, Kisame, and Kate snuck into my room and kidnapped me. Why? To go Christmas shopping. They knocked me unconscious and carried me to the shopping center of a nearby town. When I woke up, I was sitting in the booth of a teashop with Dessie, Kate, Kisame, Tobi, Hidan, Leader, and Sasori.

"What's going on?" I asked, yawning. "And why does my head hurt?"

"That was Hidan's handiwork," said Kate.

"We needed you unconscious or you might have asked one of your minions to help you," added Dessie.

"And, um, why did I need to be unconscious?"

"So we could bring you shopping!" cried Dessie excitedly.

I looked around the table. Sasori was scowling and I had the suspicion Dessie had dragged him along too. Leader looked content with a cup of coffee. Tobi was bouncing up and down in his seat. Hidan and Kisame were pumped for a day out, while Kate kept grinning like an idiot.

"I don't need to go shopping," I said flatly.

"Why not?" asked Kate, positively devastated. "Christmas present…"

"I don't need to go shopping."

"You aren't getting your person anything?" gasped Kate.

I gritted my teeth. "I don't need to go shopping."

"Oh well," said Dessie abruptly. She patted me on the back (which was more like a bone-breaking thump), and said, "You're here – we'll just have a fun day out!"

"Can I go home yet?'

"No."

"Who do you have?" asked Hidan.

I opened my mouth to tell him, but Dessie fastened a hand over my mouth. "No telling! No telling!"

"I have Konan," said Hidan. "But I have no idea what to get her." He paused and slowly turned to grin at Leader. "What does Konan like?"

"Paper."

"That's not helpful at all!"

"Get her a pad of paper and be done with it," I said. "The sooner you all buy shit, the sooner we can leave."

"I'm enjoying my coffee," said Leader.

I sighed. "Stupid coffee obsessions."

"The best part is," said Dessie gleefully. "Madara isn't here to drink all my coffee."

"I prefer tea," said Kate.

"Blasphemy!"

"Sake is best," said Hidan firmly. "There's nothing like a good old drink to get the day moving."

Dessie shook her head. "Coffee and vodka."

"That'll get you up," I muttered.

"Only on bad days," said Dessie. "Good things need to be taken in moderation."

"She tried to have coffee and vodka every morning for a month," said Hidan. "The result was priceless."

"Damn it," I muttered. "I wish I could have seen that."

Kate hopped to her feet. "I need to go look for the perfect present. I'll see you guys later."

"I'll come with you," said Kisame, getting to his feet.

"_Sit down_," said leader darkly.

Kisame froze. He glanced from Kate to Leader and back.

"Stay," said Kate. "I wouldn't face the wrath of Leader either." She hurried off in a random direction, leaving me with the rest of these idiots.

"So why couldn't I go with my girlfriend?" asked Kisame.

"I need you," said Leader. He glared at his coffee for a moment.

"Yeah…?"

Leader continued to glare at the coffee. I wondered if he was going to melt a hole in the coffee lid. Unfortunately, he looked up before any actual melting could occur. "What does a little girl want for Christmas?"

"A little girl?" asked Kisame. "Um…"

"I have to buy Kate's present."

Dessie fastened a hand over her mouth and started giggling. Leader shot a glared in Dessie's direction, but didn't bother to punish her since soon everyone else was laughing.

"Oh," said Dessie, straightening up. "_And Leader you're not supposed to tell everyone who you drew_!"

"Can we switch?" asked Kisame.

"_No_."

"Aw…"

"So wait," said Leader. "What do I get Kate?"

"Get her something nice," said Kisame. "Something cute and sweet and cuddly – Kate likes cute things."

"At least he knows his girlfriend," I said while Dessie made retching faces where Kisame couldn't see her.

Soon after that Kisame and Hidan wandered off to get their own presents. I was left at a table with Dessie, Tobi, and Sasori. Dessie ordered another cup of coffee and continued to goad Sasori into buying a present.

"I don't need to shop," said Sasori.

"Give up on that excuse," I said. "I've tried it."

"I already have the present," said Sasori.

"Oh, you do?" asked Dessie. "Well that's fine then."

"What?" I cried. "You won't stop nagging me, but Sasori gets off with that?" I groaned and turned to look at Tobi. "What about you? Don't you need to shop?"

Tobi's one visible eyes crinkled with an unseen grin. "Tobi already has the perfect gift."

"See," said Dessie. "Some people are natural Christmas shoppers."

"And what about you?" I asked. "Do you have your gift yet?"

Dessie jerked her finger in the direction of an old, run down bookstore across the street. "I'm waiting for the place to open."

"You – _you_ – are buying a book!"

"It's a very special book."

"It's probably the Book of All Things Jashin," said Sasori.

"Did you draw Hidan?" I asked.

Dessie grinned, but didn't say a word.

Kisame returned a little while later holding a box with holes punched in it. Tobi hopped up and down excitedly asking what was in the box. Kisame grinned and said, "It's a secret." I inspected the box carefully and then announced: "Whatever is inside won't last until Christmas."

"Well that's morbid," said Kisame, sliding into the seat next to Sasori. "Kate still not back yet?"

"She's being very selective," said Dessie.

"She needs the perfect present," I added.

"It's just Christmas," muttered Sasori.

Dessie gasped and turned to stare at Sasori, open-mouthed. "_Just_ Christmas! You're a worse Grinch than Leader."

"Grinch?"

"The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," I said. "His heart was three sizes too small."

"That sounds like Leader," said Tobi cheerfully.

Dessie suddenly jumped to her feet and sprinted across the street. The bookstore had just switched their sign to open. The shopkeeper leapt out of the way as Dessie barreled inside. A few minutes later, she remerged, carrying a book-sized gift. She grinned and took her seat back.

"Done."

"Who did you draw?" asked Kisame.

Dessie grinned mysteriously and refused to answer.

Kate returned a little while after that holding a bag on her right shoulder. Kisame tried to inspect the contents of the bag, but Kate pushed him away. We settled down for another round of drinks to wait for Hidan and Leader. We didn't have to wait for long since one of the women who worked at the coffee shop came over and asked if we knew a punk man with orange hair and a shirtless man with purple eyes.

"Yeah," I said. "What about them?"

"They're, um, harassing Santa Claus."

Insert sigh here.

Dessie leapt to her feet, cackled, and sprinted across the shopping center to where Santa was taking photographs with little kids. Tobi chased after Dessie, giggling maniacally, while the rest of us followed at a slower pace, all too aware of what nightmares might await us.

It was exactly as I had imagined.

Leader was trying to kill Santa Claus because Santa wouldn't give him a weapon of mass destruction for Christmas. Hidan had decided to help Leader and started slaughtering all of Santa's Helper-Elves. Dessie arrived on the scene and gleefully joined in the fray while Tobi tried to kidnap little children 'because they're so cute!'.

Kisame picked up Leader and carried him away while Kate convinced Dessie to leave the Elves alone and Sasori knocked out Hidan with a poison dart from one of his puppets. A police officer tried to stop Sasori, because his puppets looked suspicious, so Sasori knocked out the officer instead. People started to flee the mall in droves and some little kid called Tobi a pedophile – which caused Tobi to turn into Madara, great.

"You!" screamed Dessie, pointing at Madara.

"What?" he asked, turning around in semi-confusion.

"You coffee-thieving bastard!"

And then Dessie proceeded to charge at Madara. She tried to kick him in his 'weak spot' but he blocked her and then whacked her over the head. Dessie tried to punch him in the stomach, but Madara punched her in the nose. She wiped the blood away and then pulled out her spikes. Madara prepared for a fight.

"You can't beat me," said Madara.

"The power of coffee gives me strength," said Dessie.

Madara paused and stared at Dessie in bemusement. "Where did that come from?"

"You drank all my coffee! Three times now!"

Madara shrugged. "Get up earlier and then we won't have this problem."

Dessie threw one of her spikes at his head, but Madara caught it mid-air and turned it on her. "You have anger management issues, don't you?"

"My anger doesn't need to be managed," screamed Dessie. "Besides – who's the one with issues, you child-stealing, coffee-thieving half-man!"

I swear I saw vein pop in Madara's forehead behind that stupid orange mask.

"Was that really necessary?"

I sighed. "There's nothing like a Christmas holiday with massive fights that destroy an entire shopping center."

Kisame appeared at my side with Kate close behind him. "Dessie and Madara are trying to kill each other? Where did Madara come from anyway?"

"Tobi got upset when some kid called him names."

"I hope they don't kill each other," squeaked Kate.

"Why not?" asked Kisame. "It would make for a quieter Christmas."

"You call yourself an evil criminal mastermind?" asked Dessie. "You're more like a fluffy bunny most of the time who disguises his perverted tendencies by pretending to be a naïve idiot!"

"Perverted tendencies?" scoffed Madara. "You're one to talk."

"I'm not the one running around calling hot girls my _Nunus_ – look the word up on Urban Dictionary, huh?

[Note: I have looked the word up on Urban Dictionary. Know now that Tobi did not mean anything unseemly when he originally used the word. Now we're not so sure.]

"I can't help what Tobi does," said Madara. "So the other part is a pervert – I'm still a badass criminal mastermind who will be the Evil Overlord before you even have the chance to pray to your petty gods."

"You'd be a crappy Evil Overlord!" cried Dessie. "I'm going to be the Evil Immortal Overlord forever and ever and ever – beat that!"

"My name is _Madara_ _Uchiha_ – by that alone I'm better than you'll ever be."

Dessie gritted her teeth and took on her fighting pose. Madara started to perform some seals with his hands – seals that inevitably meant the doom and destruction of this shopping center. I need to think of something – and fast. So, I chose to say the one thing that could possibly save us all:

"Tobi is a good boy!"

It actually worked.

Madara doubled up. He turned to glare at me – his eye seething hatred – before he was replaced by Tobi, who giggled gleefully and sprinting towards me for a hug.

"Jashin damn it," cried Dessie. "Hannah! I was about to avenge my beloved coffee!"

"Can we go yet?" I asked.

Shinobi from the neighboring village were starting to show up and I didn't really feel like getting involved in a full on fight. I grabbed Tobi, Dessie grabbed the unconscious Hidan, and we all fled the mall like a bunch of criminals on the run.

Oh wait.

* * *

**A/N: Christmas is going to take awhile... three more chapters besides this one. hahaha But we all like Christmas... I'm going on vacation for two and a half weeks, so I don't know how consistent my updating or writing will be. Then again, I'm going to Toledo, Ohio AKA the most boring place in the world. So, I probably will write and upload a lot. We'll see. And lol to Dessie and Madara.**

**REVIEW! OR LEADER REALLY WILL KILL SANTA WHILE TOBI KIDNAPS YOUR CHILDREN! (and if you don't have children, he will kidnap your future children.)**


	4. Xmas Just Got Xier

**Chapter Four: Xmas Just Got Xier**

**Dessie**

I stepped back to admire our handiwork. It was the day before Christmas (oh that's a great opening) and Deidara, Sasori, and I spent it decorating the hideout for our Christmas party. Now, before you get the wrong idea about Sasori and Deidara, I promised Sasori that I wouldn't drag him to anymore drinking parties against his will anymore if he helped me and I promised Deidara I would let him spend a day using me as target practice. I thought the deals were worth it – apparently so did they.

"It looks perfect!" I cried, jumping up and down excitedly. "Tonight is going to be _perfect_."

"You just want the alcohol, uhn."

"Well, duh – what's a party without alcohol?"

"A lie."

I turned around to see Hannah walking to the kitchen from the living room. She appraised the decorations before adding, "I'm surprised Deidara didn't blow the place up."

"I restrained for the sake of target practice, uhn."

"Dessie'll be a good target," said Hannah. "Blow her up real good for me."

"Don't encourage him, Hannah," I groaned.

"Mm, the Christmas tree looks good by the way – I'm surprised Kisame has an eye for these things."

"Did he tell you he decorated the tree?" I asked.

"Didn't he?"

I jerked my thumb in Sasori's direction. "This one did and then Kisame took all the credit."

"It was hideous," said Sasori. "The tree will die so quickly."

"Right…" said Hannah slowly.

"Hey, Hannah."

Kakuzu stuck his head out of the living room.

"Yeah?"

Kakuzu saw Sasori, Deidara, and me standing behind Hannah. "You guys too. Leader wants us all to meet in the living room so he can give us an announcement."

"Hm," I said. "Wonder what that's about."

"Why aren't we using the meeting room?" asked Sasori.

"Must not be that important, uhn," said Deidara.

"Leader says if anyone is late he will wrench each one of your fingernails and toenails out." Kakuzu pulled his head back inside the living room.

I cringed. "Or maybe it is important."

As it turned out, everyone else was already gathered in the living room. And, if I might add, the room looked spectacular. The giant tree (courtesy of Zetsu) was decorate with glittering lights and multicolored bulbs. Then the walls were decked with holly with little Christmas knickknacks on the tables – Christmas looks amazing on anything!

I hopped down on the couch between Kisame and Kate (neither was happy about that sitting arrangement. Hidan complained that four people on the couch were too many. Itachi was sitting in the lazy boy with Tobi at his side, while Kakuzu had the armchair. Deidara sat on the floor with Zetsu, Sasori, and Konan. Hannah took one look at the room and decided to hop on Kakuzu's lap instead. He didn't seem to thrilled with the seat arrangement.

Leader stood in front of us, surveying us with serious eyes. Finally, he said, "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas!" I cried.

"When do we get to open presents?" asked Kakuzu.

Leader ignored us. "We're all looking forward to the Christmas party." He glanced at Hannah and changed his mind. "_Most_ of us are looking forward to the Christmas party and the presents. However, because you all have to work the next morning, I have some ground rules to lay down. One – no destroying any furniture or walls. Two – No staying up past midnight, you'll all get up at six tomorrow. And three – no alcohol."

"WHAT!"

I honestly could not tell you who screamed 'no' first. It might have been me or Hidan or Deidara or Kisame. It's hard to tell. The point is–

"You can't have a party without alcohol!" cried Kisame.

"You can have fun without getting wasted," said Leader.

Deidara laughed hysterically. "No! No you can't! Uhn!"

"That's a lie told to teenagers who are under the drinking age so they don't go out and get wasted every weekend but they do anyways because they know the truth – no party is a party without half the people getting wasted a throwing up and having hangovers the next day!" I stopped to catch my breath. "Parties aren't fun without drunk people to laugh at!"

"It's true," said Kate. "And, Dessie, aren't you the drunk person we all laugh at?"

"Well, yeah."

"We'll have some alcohol," said Konan. "I mean, we bought eggnog."

"With moderated amounts of alcohol so that it's nearly impossible to get drunk from that," added Leader.

"Eggnog," I wailed.

"Fuck eggnog!" cried Hidan. "Bring on the sake!"

"And the shots, uhn!"

"And the whiskey," added Kisame.

"Vodka!" I screamed.

"It's not happening," said Leader flatly. "If I find any one of you with an alcohol beverage besides the eggnog I will strangle you with your own intestines… _And take away your Christmas present_."

We all gasped.

"Not the presents!"

Kate sniffled. "Leader really is a Grinch…"

Leader rolled his eyes. "Someone just bring out the eggnog and shut them all up, please."

Tobi leapt to his feet and sprinted to the kitchen. A couple minutes later he came back carrying several containers of eggnog and several glasses. He eagerly poured some eggnog for everyone and handed out the drinks.

I eyed the creamy liquid suspiciously. "Oh dear sweet alcohol – why must you evade me so?"

Kakuzu sighed. "First the coffee, now the alcohol."

"I didn't know you were such a huge alcohol fan," said Hannah.

Kakuzu raised one eyebrow in her direction. "It's when they say you can't have something that you realize how much you miss it."

"I was some real alcohol," said Deidara mournfully. He sniffed the eggnog.

Kisame took a tentative sip and pulled a face. "It's not even worth drinking this stuff to get drunk."

I sipped the liquid and sighed. "It's not so bad…"

Kate gulped down her glass cheerfully and turned back to Tobi. "Can I have some more?"

"You like this stuff?" cried Kisame in horror.

"You don't?" asked Kate, beginning her second glass. "Eggnog was the highlight of my Christmases since I was young."

"It was the highlight!" cried Kakuzu. "What about the presents?"

"They're nice…"

"What about the gingerbread?" I asked. "That shit's amazing."

Kate shook her head. "Eggnog. Since I was five."

We all shuddered.

I took a huge gulp of the eggnog and – after a few more painful gulps – I finished the glass. "Give me more, Tobi. By Jashin, I will get drunk off this stuff by the end of the night!"

"Good luck to you," said Konan. "I can barely taste the alcohol."

"I'm joining you," said Deidara chugging down the remained of his glass. He screwed up his face and suppressed a cough. In a strangled voice, he croaked, "More… Tobi… Uhn…"

"Are you sure you can do this?" I asked.

"I'll be strong, uhn."

"Count me in," said Hidan, finishing his own eggnog. "We will do this! We will get wasted on this near-alcoholless Christmas."

I am not proud to say that we spend all night trying. We tried and tried and tried. We drank carton after carton of eggnog, trying to get drunk so Christmas could be enjoyable. It wasn't a pretty sight.

"I can't even taste the eggnog anymore," I groaned.

"I'm so full, uhn…" added Deidara.

Hidan hiccupped. "I feel woozy."

"Is that because you're drunk or because you're about to explode?" I asked.

"Explode?" asked Deidara eagerly.

"Explode because he's had too much eggnog," I said. "Hidan did not swallow any explosives."

"That you know of, uhn," muttered Deidara.

"You'd better not have given me any fucking clay to eat," said Hidan.

"I wish I had…"

Hidan suddenly froze. He grabbed his stomach and doubled over. Before any of us knew what was going on, Hidan leapt up and sprinted to the bathroom. From down the hall we could hear him retching. A couple minutes later, he slunk back into the room and grabbed some more eggnog.

"I think you've had enough," said Konan, trying to pull the glass away from him.

"No," groaned Hidan, clinging onto the glass with all his might. "I – must – get – drunk – tonight."

"Give up," I said, pouring myself another glass. "Leader was right – we can never get drunk off this shit."

"No," cried Deidara, downing another glass. "We must prevail, uhn."

"I admire your fighting spirit," I said. I chugged down half the glass and coughed hopelessly. "You inspire me to keep going. Drink and drink, and drink – eventually I will be wasted!"

"Hidan!" cried Konan. "Let go of the stupid glass!"

"No… I'm not even tipsy yet…"

"You threw up! Does that not count as being drunk!"

"It just means eggnog tastes like shit…"

"You know," said Kate from her spot on the couch. "You people have successfully ruined eggnog for me."

"Yes!" cried Kisame, pumping his fist in the air. "My girlfriend has been enlightened!"

"I give up," said Konan. She let go of the glass and Hidan returned to consuming unspeakable amounts of eggnog. Konan returned to the couch to sit beside Kate and Kisame, and then returned to watching the Christmas movie that was showing on TV with everyone else.

"Is it bad that I'm seeing little Xs everywhere?" I asked.

"No…" said Deidara. "I see them too, uhn."

"What's in this eggnog?" asked Hidan.

"I don't even think Jashin knows, uhn."

"The Xs make sense though," I said. "Is it just me or has Xmas gotten really Xy…"

"Is Xy a word?" asked Deidara.

"It is now…"

"We really should take away the eggnog," said Kate nervously.

"Why?" asked Kisame. "This is more entertaining than Frosty the Snowman."

"Don't you dare stop them," said Hannah, her video camera pointed in our direction. "This is blackmail gold – the Christmas Deidara, Hidan, and Dessie Got Addicted To Eggnog."

"Why are those three featured the most in your videos?" asked Sasori.

"Because they do the most stupid and humiliating shit," said Kakuzu. "Hannah – can you get off my lap yet?"

"No. This is the perfect view."

I hiccupped. "I never thought eggnog could taste like nothing – but I have been proven wrong."

"Make it stop," groaned Hidan, clutching his stomach.

"Tobi thinks Deidara, Hidan, and Dessie-Nunu are kind of stupid."

"Don't we all, Tobi, don't we all." Konan turned around and inspected the empty cartons of eggnog. "They're almost out. Then we can start on presents."

I sighed and picked up the last carton. "Well, my boys, we have lasted this far."

"Let's go out with a bang, uhn…"

I poured myself a glass, then Deidara, and then Hidan. The carton was finally empty. We clinked our glasses together and chugged down the last of the disgustingly creamy liquid. The moment I was done, I tossed the glass to the side and flopped down onto my stomach.

"Hospital…" I groaned.

"No," said Leader. "This is your fault, you deal with it. It's not like you'll die."

"I might die," said Deidara.

"I will never touch eggnog again," declared Hidan. He glared his stomach. "Fuck!" And then made yet another mad bathroom dash.

The sound of him puke made me with I had my own toilet bowl. Thankfully, I managed to hold the vomit in. I crawled over to the Christmas tree and collapsed next to the presents. "Please… I need something to distract me."

"You people are pathetic," said Konan.

"Yeah, yeah," said Deidara. "Just give me free shit, will you, uhn?"

So, now that the eggnog was gone, we had seen three people make complete fools of themselves, and someone had vomited – it was time to move on to the next stage of the party – presents! Take it away, Kate.

* * *

**A/N: Fuck. I forgot contact lens solution while on holiday. Guess I have to spend the first night wearing contacts (never fun). Wow. Three chapters up and I already have almost a hundred reviews - I love you guys! And haha I knew you would go look up nunu on Urban Dictionary - feel the burn! haha I just made up Nunu for fun, there were no perverted intentions. Oh well, Urban Dictionary made it funnier. Also, FUCK MY EYES. **

**REVIEW! OR I WILL SHOW YOU THE AGONY OF SLEEPING IN CONTACTS! ARRRRRGGGG!**


	5. Top Girlfriend Gift Style

**Chapter Five: Top Girlfriend Gift Style**

**Kate**

Gifts – you are the second best part of Christmas (the best being eggnog). People – especially the Akatsuki – wait for weeks to see what kind of surprises wait under that tree. And so, after weeks of anticipation, people gather around the glowing tree and start tearing away at wrapping paper, one present at a time. Here in the Akatsuki, we weren't much different from the little children screaming their heads off for presents and other free stuff. However, Konan controlled us all with one shout. She devised the method of which we would distribute the presents. We would start with Leader and he would give his gift to whoever's name he drew. Then that person would opened their present, say 'thank you' (like the Akatsuki were really going to do that), and then give the gift to whoever name he/she drew. And so on and so forth until all the presents were gone.

"Alright, Leader," said Konan, turning to him with a brilliant smile. "Let's get started."

"What's the yapping sound?" asked Leader irritably, his hands plastered over his ears.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the yapping sound. Ever since Tobi started singing 'Frosty the Snowman' at the top of his lungs, there had been this annoying yapping sound from beneath the tree. Kisame looked extremely nervous after that and was seen talking to one of the boxes soothingly.

__.

Yeah, that was what it sounded like. So, our unwrapping of the presents went more like this:

"Alright, Leader–"

__.

"–Let's get started."

__.

"What's the yapping sound?"

__.

"Someone shut it up," groaned Hidan.

__.

"I am going to blow this noisy piece of shit from here to Wargonia, uhn!"

__.

Dessie banged her head against the wall and groaned miserably. "I'll help you, Deidara."

__.

"No!" cried Kisame, leaping between Deidara and the presents. "You can't do that!"

__.

"I don't care what it is!" cried Deidara. "Just shut the thing up! Uhn!"

__.

"No!"

BANG!

Well, the good news was the yapping sound stopped. The bad news was Leader had just destroyed his Christmas present. Puppy guts and fur were splattered on the walls, the base of the tree, and the other presents.

Kisame screamed. "What did you just do!"

"It wouldn't shut up," said Leader.

"You just killed your Christmas present!"

Leader examined the puppy remains carefully. "How did you come to the conclusion that I want a puppy for Christmas?"

"Puppies are cute. I thought if you had a puppy, you wouldn't be such a Grinch all the time…"

I swear I saw Leader's eye twitch.

"You know what's funny," said Dessie thoughtfully. "We really are evil. We've killed Santa, we tried to kidnap little kids, and now we've killed a puppy. Why do we have to go prove our evilness by destroying Konoha again?"

Konan sighed. "Well, I guess Leader got his present first."

"It was a good present," said Leader. "I enjoyed destroying it."

"Sweet relief from that stupid yapping, uhn," said Deidara. "It was the best present imaginable."

"Let's just move on to the next present," said Kisame sadly. I patted him comfortingly on the shoulder.

Leader examined the puppy-stained presents under the tree. He pulled out a poorly wrapped box and thrust it in my direction. "Here you go. Merry Christmas."

I tentatively took the box from Leader. I think part of the puppy's eyeball hand landed on the wrapping paper. Kisame flicked the eyeball off for me. Careful not to touch an guts, I pulled off the wrapping paper to reveal a box of cheap chocolates. "Um, thanks…"

"Kisame said you liked sweet things," said Leader.

"You know," said Dessie. "Generally when people get presents – the presents aren't chocolates."

"Who's complaining?" asked Hannah. "I'd take chocolates any day – it's probably one of the few decent gifts we'll get from the Akatsuki."

Right then I saw a severed puppy foot. "I'm going to the bathroom." I dropped the box of chocolates in Kisame's lap and sprinted to the bathroom.

That poor toilet. So far that Christmas it had witness Hidan's vomit twice and now it had to welcome mine. I spent a couple minutes puking my guts out and then another two minutes recuperating. Eventually, I regained my stomach enough to crawl back in to the living room and pull my present for Kisame out from beneath the tree (thankfully it had avoided the puppy remains).

"Aw," cried Kisame. "Isn't that cute! My girlfriend drew me out of the hat. It must be fate."

He ripped the wrapping paper off the present and grinned down at his brand new Seafood Cookbook.

"Great!" he cried, flipping through the recipes. "Raw fish gets so tiring after a while – oh look, there's a sushi section!"

"I was thinking of you," I said cheerfully. "I'm a great girlfriend, right?"

Kisame froze. His eyes grew wide and, slowly, in mute horror, he turned to stare at me.

"What?" I asked frantically. "What is it?"

Kisame turned the cookbook around so I could see the recipe that had caught his eye: Shark Fin Soup.

Tears welled up in Kisame's eyes and he tried to dash them away with the back of his hand. "Kate! How could you! You secretly hate me, don't you! Is this s hint that you want to get rid of me? Do you want to chop me up into little pieces and serve me in a bowl with a deliciously flavored broth! Is that what you want! Kate! Don't do this to me!"

"It was an accident!" I wailed.

Dessie giggled. "Well, we all know Kisame likes to eat shark fin soup."

Hannah sighed and glared at Zetsu. "This is what happens when you show everyone my videos – I lose valuable blackmail opportunities."

"Don't mention that incident!" wailed Kisame. He managed to stop crying for a moment, but then his eyes fell back on the Shark Fin Soup recipe and he started bawling again.

"Someone take that book away from him," said Leader.

Tobi dove across the room to snatch the book from Kisame, but Kisame jerked the book out of Tobi's reach at the last second.

"No!" cried Kisame. "This book was a gift from my girlfriend!"

"But the book makes Kisame sad," cried Tobi.

"I'm sorry!" I wailed, tears streaming down my face. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll take it back and get you a new one! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"This is pathetic…" said Sasori.

Kakuzu nodded. "I don't know who's more embarrassing Kisame, Tobi, or Kate."

"Kisame," said Sasori. "It's really sad to see a giant blue man cry."

"Why don't we move on to the next present," said Konan, trying desperately to distract Kisame.

"Who though?" asked Dessie. "We've gone in a full circle."

"Right." Konan picked up her present from beneath the tree, wiped off some blood and handed it to Zetsu. "Merry Christmas!"

Kisame and I stopped crying. Kisame pushed Tobi off of him and we turned with interest to see the next gift.

Zetsu opened up the box and was delighted to find an array of new gardening tools. He grinned at Konan, showing every single one of his pearly white teeth, and said, with genuine happiness, "Thank you – we needed new gardening tools."

"_Lame_," said Dessie.

"On with the next gift," said Hidan.

"How is that lame!" cried Konan. "He's happy!"'

"We only like epic gift fails like Kisame, Leader, and Kate's," said Dessie.

"So let me get this straight," said Konan in exasperation. "If the gift does fail horribly and results in death, vomit, or tears – it isn't worth opening."

"Yep!"

Konan sighed. "Let's just move on."

Zetsu approached the pile of gifts, and, from the back of the tree, hidden by the other presents, he pulled out a little potted plant. He smiled fondly at the plant and then handed it to Deidara. "Merry Christmas, Dei-Dei."

Deidara screamed and blew the plant to smithereens.

"What was that for!" I cried.

"Fuck!" cried Hidan.

"Great," said Kakuzu. "Now we have plant remains to add to the puppy guts."

"It was trying to kill me, uhn!" cried Deidara.

"It's a plant," said Hannah. "How can it kill you?"

"Have you _seen_ Zetsu," asked Deidara, pointing madly at the Venus flytrap. "He's a plant and he tries to kill me every day, uhn!"

Zetsu sniffed. "Poor thing…" He picked up one of the torn leaves of the dead plant and stroked the green material gently. "People just don't appreciate poisonous strangulous tree climbers."

"See!" cried Deidara.

"Oh."

Zetsu lifted his head and glared at Deidara. "You killed our beloved poisonous strangulous tree climber!"

"It tried to kill me, uhn!"

"It's a poisonous strangulous tree climber! It tries to kill everyone!"

Before anyone knew what was going on, Zetsu jumped on top of Deidara and the two engaged in a massive fist fight in the middle of the living room.

"Ten bucks on Zetsu," said Kakuzu.

"You're on," said Hannah.

"Can we move on?" asked Konan in exasperation.

"We can't," I said. "Deidara has to hand out the next present…"

So, we were forced to watch Deidara and Zetsu fight to the end. For some of us (Konan, Sasori, Itachi, and I) watching was a chore, but for others (Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame) it was entertaining. Hidan started yelling insults at Deidara in the hope of making him lose, while Dessie cheered for Deidara and threw her shoes at Zetsu's head (except she kept missing and hitting Deidara instead. Kisame got excited and started narrating with moves like "Zetsu's Super Mega Veggie Teeth Gnomp" and "Deidara's Extra Bang-Bang Fist Pump". Tobi jumped up and down, shrieking at the top of his lungs. Tobi tripped over Kisame's new cookbook and almost knocked over the Christmas tree – except and extremely pissed Sasori kicked Tobi out of the way (nobody messes with Sasori's art).

In the end, Itachi got bored of watching the fight. He got up and stood over Deidara and Zetsu.

Immediately, they froze. Slowly, they lifted their eyes to meet Itachi's gaze.

I don't know what thye saw, but whatever it was, it caused them both to return to their seats in silence and Deidara to pull his gut-covered present from under the tree.

"Here you go, Tobi."

Deidara tossed his present in Tobi's lap. Tobi squeaked excitedly and ripped the wrapping paper off with extreme enthusiasm. Apparently Deidara made Tobi a nice sculpture of the two of them playing in the snow. If it was anyone else, I would have said this was a nice present. Except this is Deidara. And we all know what that means.

"Tobi loves it, Deidara-senpai!"

"Tobi!" I cried. "Dodge!"

"What, Kate?"

BOOM!

Yep. From poisonous strangulous tree climber to exploding sculptures. What's a Christmas without a little attempted murder? (Please, don't answer that question).

Tobi sniffled and wiped some ashes from his mask. "That wasn't very nice, Deidara-senpai. Tobi could have died."

"That was the point," said Hannah wearily.

"Hannah-Nunu!"

Tobi skipped over to the tree, forgetting about his near death experience, and pulled out a massive bouquet of flowers. "Look what Tobi got Hannah-Nunu! There's as many flowers as Hannah-Nunu is pretty?"

Hannah took the bouquet from Tobi, inspected it carefully, and then turned to Kakuzu. "Do you think I can resell it for money?"

Kakuzu shook his head. "Second-hand flowers don't work."

"Oh." Hannah tossed the bouquet to Zetsu. "Enjoy!"

Zetsu scooped up the flowers, a huge grin spreading across his face. Deidara glowered at Zetsu's back. Feeling another fight coming on, Konan stepped forward and said, "Hannah – it's your turn to give your present."

"Oh. Right." Hannah turned to face Kakuzu. "Merry Christmas." She pulled a twenty dollar bill out of her pocket and handed it to him.

We all stared.

"That's not a present," said Konan.

A huge grin spread across Kakuzu's face and he wrapped his arms around Hannah in a huge hug. (Yes, I was confused by this gesture too. Apparently only Hannah knows how to make Kakuzu act like this).

"I figured I_ could_ buy you a gift and you _could_ resell it on E-bay for a slightly cheaper price," said Hannah. "Or I could just save us all the bother and give you the twenty dollars straight up."

Kakuzu released her, still grinning like an idiot, and – rather smugly – turned to Kisame. "See, who has the better girlfriend again?"

Kisame's eyes narrowed.

"My girlfriend gives me the best present money can buy – money – while yours plots to murder you with Shark Fin Soup."

"I already said sorry!" I wailed.

"Let's tally up the points," said Kisame with a low growl. "My girlfriend cooks"

"Mainly pancakes that never actually get eaten," said Kakuzu.

"My girlfriend cleans."

"My girlfriend hoodwinks other people into doing her cleaning for her."

"My girlfriend is sweet and cuddly."

"Who wants a girlfriend like that?"

"My girlfriend is adorable!"

"My girlfriend can scam an entire country and walk away with thousands of dollars before anyone even notices the money is missing."

"My girlfriend gives me a satisfying sex life!"

Kakuzu blinked.

A slow, demonic smile spread across Kisame's face. "Oh! We hit the sensitive topic. What, Kakuzu, is your girlfriend not completely satisfying in bed? Can she do all the kinky sex moves my girlfriend can?"

I buried my face in my hands. "Not this again…"

Hannah's eyes narrowed.

"Hannah's great in lots of aspects," said Kisame. "But, Kate – yeah, she's mastered the bedroom. Hannah's probably a little, um, lacking in experience when it comes to down th–"

I'm not exactly where it came from, but Hannah produced her beloved frying pan and whacked Kisame over the head with it. His eyes rolled back and he collapsed on the floor, unconscious. Then, Hannah sat back down, put away her frying pan, and turned to Kakuzu with a smile, "It's your turn to give your present."

…

"Oh. Right," said Kakuzu. "I drew Sasori."

"So where's his present?" asked Konan.

"I didn't get him one."

"What!"

"That's okay," said Sasori. "I wasn't expecting anything."

Dessie cupped her mouth in her hands and whispered loudly to Kakuzu, "I would check all your food for poison from now on."

"Right…"

Sasori moved to the tree and examined the remaining presents. He pulled out a small box wrapped in red paper with little reindeer on it. He carefully handed the box to Hidan before returning to his seat. Hidan tore away the paper like a wild beast. Inside the box was a little phial of maroon liquid.

"What is it?" asked Hidan, examining the phial from all angles.

"It's a new poison," said Sasori. "If you drink it, you will vomit out your organs one by one."

"Why would I want that?" asked Hidan.

"So you can use it on your victims during the rituals."

There was a pause where we all imagined that. A slow grin spread across Hidan's face.

"Yahoo! Best fucking Christmas present ever!"

"Sasori is surprisingly considerate," I said.

"He's considerate towards anything that involves painful and gruesome deaths," said Hannah.  
"That's why we love him," added Dessie.

Hidan pulled his present out from under the tree and toss it to Konan (more like hurled it at her, but who's being specific on the details). Konan inspected the present suspiciously.

"It's not a human body part, is it?" she asked as she pulled away the wrapping paper.

"Nope. It's even better," said Hidan.

"Is that possible?" asked Dessie.

It was the Book Of All Things Jashin. Yep. I'm surprised I was even surprised with the gift.

"Well," said Konan with a sigh. "At least it's made of paper."

"Another full circle," I said cheerfully.

"Who do we have left?" asked Leader.

"Me!" cried Dessie. She pulled her present out from underneath the tree. "Mu super present of super awesomeness!"

"We only have two people left," said Hannah. "Dessie and Itachi… You guys drew each other?"

Itachi picked his own present up from under the tree. He handed it to Dessie and took his own from her. They opened their presents at the same time. As it turned out, Itachi got Dessie a set of toy cars that resembled the ones she owned on Earth (Ten Second Recap: Dessie inherited a shit ton of money from her aunt and uncle. She used the money to buy cars amongst other things. Blake the Ferrari married Maren the Mercedes, but Blake is an unfaithful Hottie husband who has an ongoing affair with Bridgette the Porsche even though Bridgette is dating Roland the Rolls-Royce; however, Roland's brother Ajay the Aston Martin know about Bridgette's affair and is blackmailing Blake. So, forced between his love for Bridgette and his reputation as a rich bastard, Blake has no choice but to give Ajay everything he wants.).

Dessie squealed with delight as she examined the five toy cars. "Blake! Maren! Bridgette! Roland! Ajay! How I have missed you guys! Thank you, Itachi! Your status as the Original Hottie has just boosted so much!"

Itachi wasn't listening. He was examining his own present, which was a gigantic, old book with a leather cover and a faded name that read _Oculus of Jutsu: The History Of Shinobi Eyes_.

"Wow," said Konan. "Dessie _actually _got Itachi something he would like…"

"I thought she would buy him a mirror so he could look at his pretty face whenever he wanted," said Hannah.

"Why would I do that?" asked Dessie. "He doesn't want to look at his pretty face – I do."

"Yeah… But you got Itachi something he would actually like," said Hannah. "And he got you something you would actually like…"

Dessie sighed dramatically. "Well, duh. We did date once upon a time."

"I always assumed you two dating was more along the lines of you stalked him and dragged him out on dates and he went along with it because he had nothing better to do."

"Hn."

"Well," said Dessie. "It was like that first, but once you understand hn-language, Itachi is quite the talker."

We all stared at Itachi and Dessie in silence.

"Oh look," said Dessie. "I think part of the puppy's tongue is stuck behind Ajay's front wheel."

I grabbed my stomach. "Okay – back to the bathroom."

That poor toilet. The saddest part is that my second trip was not the last that toilet saw of vomit that Christmas night. But – hey – it's not my story to tell. Your turn, Hannah!

* * *

**A/N: The long awaited gifts chapter. You people have so much expectation for this, so I hope I didn't disappoint... Sorry it took me two days to update, I was spending the night at the lake where there is no internet access. Guess what! Trip to Cedar Point tomorrow! Rise and shine nice and early for me. Anyways...**

**REVIEW OR LEADER WILL BLOW UP A PUPPY! (just think of those adorable faces)**


	6. The New Poker Champion

**Chapter Six: The New Poker Champion**

**Hannah**

I begin this with an explanation to clear up any misunderstandings. Kate can cook – she just can't cook pancakes (mainly because of Deidara/Kisame/Hidan, it's usually one of their faults). Anyways, Kate made Christmas dessert – one of those weird log things that I can't remember the name of, but they taste good.

"Thanks, Kate," said Kisame (having finally woken up from the aftermath of my frying pan). "You're the best girlfriend ever." (Insert glare in Kakuzu and my direction).

I took a huge bite of the log slice and sighed. "How long is Kisame's grudge going to last for?"

"Until the huge lump on the back of his head goes away," said Kakuzu, tasting his own dessert.

"Kate!" cried Deidara from the couch. "Your cooking is amazing, uhn! It's a work of art on its own!"

"Better than Deidara's art!" called out Dessie.

Deidara aimed a punch at her head, but Dessie stuck her fork into his side instead.

"You people are making the couch shake," snapped Hidan. "It's hard to fucking eat!"

"It's a good Buche de Noel, Kate," said Konan.

"Jashin bless you," said Hidan.

"What? I didn't sneeze," said Konan.

"He means the Buche de Noel," said Dessie helpfully. She turned to Hidan and added, "It's French idiot."

"French?"

"France. In Europe. On Earth. Oh crap, I forgot. Wrong dimension."

"Buche de Noels are good," said Kate. "Also called Yule Logs."

"You people have weird names for things, uhn," said Deidara.

…_Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from out house Christmas Ever, you can say there's no such thing as Santa, but me and grandpa, we believe_….

"What is this crap?" asked Leader.

We all turned around to see Tobi sitting in front of the TV with the Caroling station on at full volume.

…_She'd been drinking too much eggnog, and we begged her not to go…_

"That's a lie!" cried Dessie. "You can't get drunk off eggnog!"

_ …But she'd left her medication, so she stumbled out the door into the snow…_

"Apparently Grandma can," said Hidan. He considered it for a second. "She's my new role model – that is one fucking impressive person."

"Maybe Grandma is a god who can make eggnog alcohol," said Dessie.

"Oh no," said Leader irritably. "We are not adding another god to our list of God-Jashin-Warg-Four-The Great Plant King Zetsu-Pain-Dessie-And Momentarily Kisame."

"You forgot Squisher and Hannah, uhn," said Kate.

"Why am I on the list?" I asked.

"You have followers," said Dessie. She pointed at Zetsu, Deidara, and Kakuzu. "Right there."

_…Grandma got runned over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve – on her way homr – you can say there's no such thing as Santa – say there's no Santa – but as for me and Grandpa, we believe – Lord, we believe…_

"Someone Shut off this racket," groaned Leader.

"No! Tobi wants to listen! Tobi wants to sing along!"

Deidara dove across the room to stop Tobi, but Tobi batted Deidara out of the way and started singing along at the top of his voice. (Do I need to say it? Dessie taught him the song…)

_…Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, he's been takin' this so well, see him in there watchin' football, drinkin beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle._

"What the fuck?"

"So proud of him," said Kisame, wiping away a fake tear.

"Why does he get alcohol!" cried Dessie.

"He's broken-hearted," said Leader. "Broken-hearted people are allowed alcohol."

"My girlfriend wants to kill me," said Kisame.

"You took away my alcohol!" cried Dessie. "And that broke my heart – so give me back the damn sake!"

…_I've warned all my friends and neighbors. "Better watch out for yourselves. They should never give a license, to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves." _

"That sounds kinky," said Kisame.

"I don't like where your mind is going," cried Kate, burying her face in her hands.

"Do you happen to own any elf costumes?"

"No! Don't take away people's belief in my innocence! No! Never!"

"Your innocence?" I asked.

"Don't worry, Kate," said Dessie. "That shit was blown right out of the water a long time ago. Now your protests are just pathetic. Either that or comic relief."

There was a cracking sound and, when we all turned around, Leader was standing by the TV, his foot through the screen.

"No!" cried Kisame, leaping to his feet. "Not the flat screen!"

"How else will we escape the pains of reality with overly dramatic soap operas!" cried Deidara.

"Do you know how much a new TV costs!" asked Kakuzu.

"Can't we just steal a new one?" asked Dessie.

I sighed. "I don't think that occurred to the Akatsuki."

"I'll pay for the TV," said Leader. "As long as I don't have to listen to this crappy music."

"You do know your money comes from the Akatsuki reserves, right?" said Kakuzu.  
I sighed and got to my feet. I grabbed a deck of cards from the closet and sat down at the coffee table. "Kakuzu – let's play some poker. Maybe winning some money will cheer you up."

"Can I play?" asked Dessie.

"No. We're cheering Kakuzu up – not depressing him by having you steal all his money from him."

Dessie sighed and plopped back down on the couch between Hidan and Deidara. Deidara instantly rose and asked, "Can I play?"

"Sure," I said. "You suck at poker enough."

"I'm going to win this time, uhn."

Kakuzu grinned and sat next to me at the table. "This poker game is looking better and better."

"I'll play too," said Konan, taking the seat across from me.

Zetsu joined as well and the five of us formed a circle around the coffee table as I dealt out the cards for the first round of Texas Hold 'Em while Kakuzu sorted out the money situation. Itachi used his jutsu to create a fire roaring in the fireplace.

Dessie hopped off the couch and joined Kisame and Kate at the fireplace. Kisame and Kate were snuggling – as couple often do – so Dessie thought it would be fun to join in their snuggling. And that just led to some shouting and awkward situations. It ended with Kisame setting Tobi on Dessie and she fled to Itachi for help. Itachi didn't really feel like helping Dessie so he sharinganed her ass and left her at the mercy of Tobi.

I would have watched the rest of that little scenario, but I was preoccupied with losing at poker. Surprisingly, it wasn't Kakuzu who was winning – but Konan.

Kakuzu looked at his diminishing pile of money and then at Konan's massive one. "Am I the only one who thinks there's something wrong with this picture?"

"It looks like we have a new poker champion," I said.

"I'm the poker champion," shouted Dessie. "Tobi get off of me! But you wouldn't let me play!"

We all ignored her and she tried to kick Tobi in the face, but his mask blocked her.

"We should probably help her, uhn," said Deidara thoughtfully.

"Why would we do that?" asked Zetsu.

"Obviously you haven't suffered Tobi enough, uhn. I fold." Deidara tossed his cards in and sat back to watch the rest of the round.

"It's too much effort," I said.

"Well that's a good reason, uhn."

"Jashin damn you all!" screamed Dessie as she sprinted across the room to hide behind the Christmas tree.

"This is funny," said Hidan. "Where's the popcorn?"

"This is ridiculous!" cried Kakuzu as Konan raked in the winnings of yet another round. "How are you doing this?"

Konan glanced up at me and then quickly turned to smile at Kakuzu. "I guess I'm just lucky."

Unfortunately, Kakuzu did not miss Konan's glance. He looked at me, then at Konan, then at me, then at Konan, then back to me. "Oh no – you cheater!" He got up and glared at me. "What happened to all that bullshit about cheering Kakuzu up? You just wanted to cheat me of my money!"

"Guess who has a shitty girlfriend now," shouted Kisame.

"It's not like you don't cheat at poker," I said, shrugging.

"Yeah – but I don't get caught!"

"Oh," I said. "So would you like me to reveal all the tricks that you use? Like the time you h–"

"Anyways," said Kakuzu loudly. "You cheated and I'm not paying." He sat down on the couch next to Hidan and glowered at Konan and me.

I grinned and slipped onto the couch between Hidan and Kakuzu.

"You know," said Dessie from her spot behind the tree. "I managed to beat Kakuzu at poker without cheating."

We all ignored her.

"Assholes!"

In the end, Deidara got to his feet and pulled out a wad of clay, which he began to shape into a bird. Tobi was still trying to get a hold of Dessie when Deidara's clay bird dive bombed Tobi. Dessie shrieked and dove away from the tree, while Tobi covered his head with his arms and the bird exploded. The bomb consumed not only Tobi, but the Christmas tree as well. The entire room was filled with smoke and we all coughed and choked until Leader removed the smoke with a jutsu and the room was clear again. There was nothing left of the Christmas tree and Tobi sat amongst the sooty debris, wiping charred branches off his mask.

"Deidara-senpai doesn't like Tobi."

"Oh shut up," said Deidara. "It missed, uhn."

Dessie patted Deidara on the shoulder comfortingly. "You'll get him next time. Then we can blast him into Madara state and I can get revenge on that coffee-thieving bastard."

"You hold grudges for a long time, don't you, uhn?"

"It's coffee."

"That doesn't explain anything, uhn."

"It explains everything," said Kakuzu loudly.

"Coffee makes the world go round," added Dessie.

Deidara snorted and walked back across the room to sit down on the coffee table across from me. "Crazy coffee addicts."

"You're one to talk," said Kakuzu. "Crazy bomb addict."

"There's a difference, uhn. Bombs are art."

"You're addicted."

Deidara glared. "I can quit any time I want!"

"Point proven," said Dessie, hopping onto Hidan's lap.

"Get the fuck off me," said Hidan irritably.

"No. You owe me."

"What for?"

"You keep crawling into my bed in the middle of the night – I don't want you there."

Hidan scowled. "I can't help it. It's an old habit. It's like killing people – you do it once and it's addictive. You just keep slipping back into the old habit of killing people."

Konan blinked. "That made no sense and was disturbing and all I got from that is Hidan sleepwalks into Dessie's bed – it's love!"

"Fuck no."

"Just friends."

"Sure." Konan sighed. "One of these days, you two will realize that you can't live without each other."

"And until then," Dessie said. "We'll carry on trying to kill each other and sacrifice other people and screaming the name of Jashin wherever we go."

"Good times," said Hidan.

"Good times," agreed Dessie.

"You people don't make sense," said Konan with a sigh. "But one of these days, you'll realize it."

"I doubt it," said Dessie. "It's about as likely as Hannah announcing she's in love with Deidara."

"So a highly likely chance then," said Kisame.

"I object to this," I said wearily.

"Quit denying the inevitable," said Kisame.

"Kakuzu," I said, turning to my boyfriend. "You have a problem with this, right?"

"With what?" asked Kakuzu. "My girlfriend tries to cheat me out of my own money – why would I try and defend her?"

"God, you suck."

"See," said Kisame. "You should just break up with Kakuzu and date Deidara instead."

Kakuzu sighed. He shot me and irritable glare before getting to his feet. I could describe in detail the scene that happened next, but that would probably scar you for the rest of your life. So, I'm going to skip that part and move on to the result. Kisame was lying on the floor, unconscious, and barely able to move while Kakuzu returned to his seat on the couch next to me.

"He was annoying me," said Kakuzu.

"Of course," I said. "He was giving me a headache."

Dessie and Kate giggled for reasons I still don't understand.

Well, that's about where the night ended. Kisame was unconscious so Konan helped Kate take him back to their room, and then neither Kate nor Konan returned. Tobi decided it would be fun to dress up as Santa Claus and do a musical performance for the rest of us. I remained on the sofa between Kakuzu and Sasori, while Hidan and Deidara tried to murder Santa Claus (again). Dessie sat on the floor next to Itachi, laughing her head off while Itachi read his new Christmas present (Dessie actually did really well with his Christmas present). Leader curled up in the armchair and eventually fell asleep like that. Zetsu napped on the floor at my feet, muttering something about decapitating Deidara and feeding his remains to a giant vulture.

And that was Christmas with the Akatsuki – an unforgettable experience with kidnapping children, killing Santa, murdering puppies, attempting assassination, trying to get drunk, exploding birds, cheating at poker, and beating the shit out of our friends. Yep, there's no better Christmas.

The night came to an entertaining close and most of us slept in the living room. Of course, bright and early the next day, Leader woke us up and sent us on our mission to Konoha – it was time to spread Christmas fear to the world. (Insert evil laughter here).

* * *

**A/N: REVIEW OR KAKUZU WILL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF OMITTED FROM THE STORY PAIN!**


	7. Merry Jashinmas

**Chapter Seven: Merry Jashinmas**

**Dessie**

Leader woke us up early Christmas morning, told us to get our asses to Konoha and go destroy their hopes and dreams. Most of the journey to Konoha wasn't very interesting. We ran through forests until we arrived there in the early afternoon. However, there was an interesting side story when we paused in the forest for a break. I wandered away from the rest of the Akatsuki to go find a bathroom (a chick peeing in the woods in not a pretty sight) and that's where things got interesting.

I found a nice fallen tree branch that I could kind of squat over and hopefully manage to pee without drenching my shorts (this is an art that takes years of practice to master). I lowered myself using the branch to double check the trajectory. All good. Let's do this. I stood up and started unbuckling my shorts.

"What is Dessie-Nunu doing?"

I spun around, my eyes wide, to see a brilliant orange mask standing out vividly against the green and brown forest scenery.

"Tobi!" I screamed. "Fuck off!"

"But Tobi wants to play with Dessie-Nunu."

"I'm about to pee, you fucked-up lollipop!"

"Can Tobi pee with Dessie-Nunu?"

"No!"

I grabbed a tree branch from the ground and threw it at his head. Tobi ducked at the last second, but when he straightened up, his voice was deeper and darker.

"That wasn't nice."

I glared. "Since when do you care about nice, Madara?"

"Good point." Madara picked up the tree branch and examined it half-heartedly. "That could have done some serious damage."

"Are you a criminal mastermind who plans on taking over the world or what?"

Madara smirked (or at least I think he smirked – it's always hard to tell with that stupid mask on). "I'm biding my time."

"If you want to take over the world, then just do it!" I paused. "Nike really knows what they're taking about."

"Nike?"

"Advertising." I shifted uncomfortably. "I really need to pee."

"Then pee."

"Not with you standing right there!"

Madara let out a heavy dramatic sigh and turned around. "Fine. Go pee."

"You'll peek," I said firmly.

"I have absolutely no interest in watching you pee."

"That's what everyone says, but next thing you know, you have a perverted teacher following you into the woods in a school camping trip."

Madara glanced over his shoulder at me. "What?"

"Good thing I know his weak spot – and your peeking right now."

Madara snorted and turned his back to me again. "Go pee."

With a heavy sigh, I undid my buckle, slid down my shorts, and lowered myself into a squatting position. As I empty my bladder, I glanced at Madara's back and shouted: "So why are you even staying here wile I pee."

Madara said nothing.

"You can head back to the camp."

Still no response.

"Or do you have some strange attraction to me where you enjoy listening to the sound of my pee hitting the forest floor?"

Keeping his back turned, Madara raised his middle finger and pointed it in my general direction.

I grinned. "What?"

"Tobi left the camp because Deidara and Zetsu got into another fight."

"That's new?"

Madara hesitated and then gritted his teeth. "I don't know how to get back."

I tipped my head back and laughed. I pushed myself upright, pulled up my shorts, and put the buckled back in its proper place. Perfect – a woman peeing in the woods with no disasters and Madara didn't even take a peek.

"Come on, you coffee-thieving bastard," I said, walking up behind Madara and prodding him in the side (he blocked my poke). "I'll show you the way back."

"If you tell anyone about this, I will decapitate you."

"Yeah, yeah. Your threats aren't nearly as scary as Leader's." I giggled and started to sing in a falsely high-pitched voice, "Madara got lost. Madara got lost. The oh great Madara got himself lost!"

"You're a bitch."

"I take it as a term of endearment."

Madara rolled his eyes. "I'm so fond of you, bitch."

"You know it."

I led him through the woods in the direction of the camp. For a few seconds, we walked in silence. Then, I turned to Madara and said, "Is it true you want to be the ruler of the world?"

"Yes."

"Well suck it – I'm going to be the Evil Overlord of the Fence."

"I thought Leader was."

"I'm just helping him for the time being – but when everyone else dies, I will be immortal and forever beautiful – the title of Evil Overlord is _mine_. The people will tremble in fear at my feet and cower with pain and misery, knowing there is nothing they can do to escape my wrath!" I laughed.

"They can rebel."

I paused mid-laugh and turned to stare at Madara. "What?"

"You'd make a shitty Evil Overlord. After a year or so of being dominated, the people would rise up behind a new ruler and conquer you. You can be immortal, but that doesn't mean you can't be defeated."

"If they dare – I will fuck them over so hard that their grandmother's will say ouch."

"That made no sense and you will never make your people like you."

"What does liking have to do with it? Fear and suffering is how an Evil Overlord must rule!" I grinned and jumped over a jagged rock. "And how do you expect to rule the world with such weak resolve?"

"You see," said Madara, stepping over a fallen branch. "I wouldn't be an Evil Overlord. To their faces, I'd be the good, kind ruler who they chose through their own democracy. When I make them suffer, I would do it behind their backs."

I paused and stared at Madara. "So you'd be a Secret Evil Overlord?"

"Sure."

I scoffed. "You sit around hiding behind Tobi's stupid personality and only come out every few seconds – how the fuck will you ever rule the world?"

"I'm being patient. You should try it every one in awhile, bitch-who-I-think-of-so-fondly – you might learn something."

"Whatever you say, you coffee-thieving bastard."

We arrived back at the clearing – it had only recently become a clearing after Zetsu and Deidara's massive fight – where the Akatsuki were waiting for us. Within minutes of our return, Madara reverted back to Tobi and we were back on the road again, heading straight for Konoha. Rather than tell you about the trees and trees and more trees that we saw, I'll just skip to the part where we're standing on the outskirts of Konoha discussing our plan of attack.

"We should charge in, bombs blazing, and destroy them, uhn."

"We should sneak in – a full scale rampage would just cause a mini war."

"Crush them all in the name of Jashin-sama!"

"Full speed ahead – a random attack is best. Then they'll live in constant fear that we will attack again."

"Can we not and say we did?"

"Don't be a coward – more destruction, the better!"

"I want to capture the Nine Tails!"

"Why can't Sasori capture the Nine Tails? – That would be funny. Bitch, I'm back from the dead."

"I never died."

"Yeah, but they don't know that."

I leaned back against a tree and surveyed the group. Itachi was looking as cool as usual, participating in the argument only when he felt obliged. Sasori stood next to Itachi, slightly irritated that no one remembered that it was the other Sasori who died, not him. Then there was Kakuzu, still insisting that we should sneak in, while Hidan yelled at the top of his lungs that we should charge forward in the name of Jashin. Hannah had her hands clamped over her ears and looked extremely irritated with both Kakuzu and Hidan. Kisame was in full agreement with Hidan, and was using his spiky sword to encourage others to take his viewpoint (smart Kisame). Kate stood slightly behind Kisame, looking rather flustered as Tobi peered over her shoulder and ranted something about scary evil men. Zetsu and Deidara were next, arguing about sneak attacks versus frontal assaults – bombs away!

"I'm all for the bombs, scythes, and swords," I said. "Show those bitches what real nightmares are."

"Hell yeah!" said Hidan. "Attack right on!"

"We should enter the village before we reveal ourselves," said Kakuzu. "Then while they're looking outside, we attack from within."

"You can have your little attack from within," said Kisame. "But the rest of us will charge in while you're sneaking around like cowardly pansy."

"That's the best insult you've got?" asked Kakuzu.

"That was pretty pathetic," said Sasori.

"Shut up!"

"Well that was a great comeback," snapped Kakuzu. "_Shut up_."

"Were you always this annoying or is this a characteristic your bitchy girlfriend brings out in you?" asked Kisame.

"Can we just attack Konoha already?" asked Hannah. "I want to be home in time for Christmas dessert at least."

"Are you not having fun?" I asked.

"Full-on siege versus sneak attack? I really don't care."

"Then tell them," I said. "You are the Sadistic Queen, are you not?"

Hannah raised one eyebrow. "You're awfully calm about all this."

A demonic grin spread across my face. "The slaughter is coming – I can wait for a few measly arguments."

Hannah glanced at me suspiciously (apparently I was not acting normal). "Aren't you usually the one yelling at the top of your lungs?"

"I'm being patient. You should try it some time, you might learn something."

Hannah snorted. She turned her back to me and stared at the Akatsuki, who were still arguing passionately about how best to destroy a village. She took a deep breath and said, loudly, "Can we just attack already? You're S-Ranked shinobi – I'm pretty sure you can kick their asses whether you sneak up on them or not."

Hannah has this way – you know the way – where she can shut people up without yelling. She just sort of glares at you and speaks loudly and you find the words drop out of your mouth.

"If you all don't shut up already I will make sure the videos of you doing stupid as fuck shit will be released to the public. Kisame – you will be seen dancing to Justin Beiber in the bathroom. Itachi – you will be seen doing you-know-what in you-know-where. Kakuzu – you will be seen fawning over a puppy in the park. Hidan – you will be seen entering a church. Deidara – you will be seen straightening your hair. Tobi – you will be seen doing bad things and I _mean_ bad. Sasori – you will be seen crying while watching Pinocchio. Zetsu – you will be seen watering yourself. I _know_ things about each and every one of you that you would shit yourselves over – so you will shut up and do what I say – _now_."

She also has this way of threatening you so that you are incapable of defending yourself. Yep. That would be Hannah.

"So, um, what are we doing?" asked Sasori nervously.

"You _cried_ while watching Pinocchio?" I asked.

"It was sad that he became a real boy – spending eternity as a work of art is much better."

"We're going to attack Konoha," said Hannah bluntly. "Head on. It's easier that way. And quicker. Anything else takes time and is too complicated. I want my dessert."

Kakuzu sighed. "Whatever."

And so, with the help of Hannah's terrifying threats and my outstanding patience (did you see me? I was like a ninja!), we decided to charge Konoha head on. Well, I don't remember the actually siege that much. I think Kisame and Kakuzu walked up to the gates and blasted the walls to pieces while Deidara flew over head and bombed the shit out of the city. The rest of us – Sasori, Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu, Itachi, Kate, Hannah, and me – walked through the crumbling gates, grinning around at the city around us.

"Season greetings!" screamed Hidan. "We're here to fuck you over!"

I charged in and within minutes found myself face to face with none other than the pink-haired Sakura.

"Dessie!" she cried.

"Oh, hi!" I smiled and punched her in the nose.

She staggered to the side and placed a hand over her face, healing her broken nose as she went.

"What are you doing!" she cried, aiming a punch at me, which a quickly dodged.

"Merry Christmas!" I said, grinning.

"It's not! You're trying to destroy my town and kidnap my friend!"

"Who's also your crush," I added. "Yeah – sorry about that. But, we've got to do what we've got to do."

"No! You don't!"

"What would you know," I said. "You're not evil."

Have you ever seen a bitch fight? I don't mean those crappy bitch fight where the girls tried to scratch each others eyes out with long, painted fingernails and rip the pampered hair from the other girl's scalp. No, I mean a _real_ bitch fight – where the girls slug each other in the face, the gut, the stomach, the arms, the throat – to the point where you're both bloody and beaten. You've never seen one? Sucks to be you, because they're as entertaining as hell.

"Bitch!" I scream, punching Sakura in the eye.

"Whore!" She whacked me in the stomach.

"She-Male!" I hit her left boob.

"That's cheating!" She pounded the side of my head.

"Eat shit!" I landed a nice uppercut.

Yep. This went on for sometime. Punch. Insult. Kick. Insult. Punch. Insult. Kick. Insult. It was a bitch fight for the ages. Unfortunately, we never found out who the winner was, because Deidara landed right next to us and blew Sakura across the street.

"What are you doing!" I cried, supporting a bloody bottom lip.

"Bang and Drop, uhn?"

A slow grin spread across my face and, with a slight pain through my gut, I hopped up onto the back of Deidara's clay bird. "Let's do this shit."

The bird flapped its wings and took off into the air.

Deidara found two unsuspecting victims on the ground below. He formed one of his clay birds, which plummeted onto Sai and Neji. The two glanced up at the last second and leapt out of the way, but not before I dropped from the clay bird and punched Sai in the forehead. His eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed at my feet.

As the smoke cleared from the explosion, I stood there, cackling my head off, while Deidara landed a few feet away.

"The Bang and Drop Team is back!" cried Deidara. "Uhn!"

"I still think that's a kinky sex move," said Kisame as he punched the shit out of some shinobi.

"You assholes!"

I turned around to see who was calling us with such a sweet term of endearment. Naruto stood on top of a pile of rubble, the scratch marks on his cheeks looking very pronounced and his eyes a brilliant shade of red-orange.

"Sunshine-Hottie!" I screamed and scampered across the pile of rubble to hug him. He lost his balance and tumbled down the pile. We landed roughly on the ground where Hidan was just finishing off an intricate Jashinist ritual.

"Is that some kind of new taijutsi move, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Damn, it's good," said Kisame. "We should call it Flying Hottie Trapper."

Hidan bent over and disentangled me from Naruto. He lifted me from the ground by the scruff of my neck and glowered at me. I smiled weakly.

"Bitch, we don't have time to be playing around," said Hidan.

"But why not?" I asked. "He's hot…"

"Jashin wants his Christmas present too."

I stared at Hidan, and then let the villainous smile dance across my face. Hidan put me down and I turned to face the chaos of Konoha. I cackled. "Merry Jashinmas, bitches – and I say that with the deepest love – prepare to meet your new Overlord!"

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**A/N: Sorry I took awhile to upload, I've been without internet, but I promise I was trying very hard to get you your update. You can ask my friend - she can vouch for me. Anyways, here it is - the battle with Konoha begins!**

**Review - or you will experience the true power of the Flying Hottie Trapper! Mwahahahaha**


	8. The Many Layers Of Kate

**Chapter Eight: The Many Layers Of Kate**

**Kate**

I really wish I could fight. I mean, I've learned a lot over the years, but I don't think I'll ever be as good a fighter as Dessie or Hannah. Of course, whenever I bring up this topic to them, they laugh and say they could never rival me. I wonder why they say that – though I think I hear Dessie cough something about chickens ever time the conversation comes up.

I spent the first half of the battle running away from everyone.

"Why did Leader send me on this stupid mission!" I wailed, fleeing the scar-headed Ibiki as fast as my scrawny legs could carry me. "Why couldn't I have stayed home and made origami with Konan! I could have cleaned the hideout! I'm good at that! Or cooked for Leader! He likes my cooking – doesn't he!"

"What are you talking about!" cried Dessie as I sprinted past her.

"Save me!"

"No."

I took a heavy misstep and felt my feet fall out beneath me. I screamed. My hands scrabbled in front of me, searching for something to hold onto – _whack_! An unheroic and ungraceful trip right in the middle of fleeing.

I rolled over on the rough, debris-covered ground to see Ibiki leaping towards me, his hand drawn back in a deathly punch.

I screamed again and threw my hands over my face. I was going to die. I was going to die. I was going to die. I was going to die.

"Kisame!"

"Yeah?"

Confused, I lowered my hands from my face to see Kisame standing over me – in all his blue glory – holding Ibiki by the back of the head.

"How are you, baby?" asked Kisame.

Tears were dripping down my face. "I was going to die!" I jumped up and flung my arms around Kisame's waist (he's a lot taller than me). "Thank you! Thank you! Everyone else was just leaving me to die! But you saved me! Thank you!"

Kisame pated me on the head fondly, but before he could say anything – his gaze was captured by a man in bright green spandex (you have to admit – that would capture anyone's gaze.

"Gai," said Kisame grimly.

He released me and bounded back into the fray while I stood there, trembling slightly and all too aware that my doom was coming. Sure enough, seconds later, Kiba came sprinting at me from out of nowhere.

"Not again!" I wailed.

I turned to begin my epic flight again, but before I could get two feet, an orange mask sped past me and Tobi punched Kiba in the face.

"Thanks, Tobi," I gasped.

"Don't call me by that name."

I blinked. "Madara?"

He cocked his head to the side and regarded me, an arrogant streak running through his one visible eye. "It took you that long to figure it out?"

I felt a warm blush cross my face. "You look the same."

"That's because we share the same _body_."

"Um… yeah…" Someone grabbed me by the shoulder and I squeaked, trying to escape his grasp. Madara threw a kunai at the man's head and his corpse toppled to the ground beside me.

"Useless," said Madara, before he turned and walked away.

"Oh that's it!"

I cringed as Felix's voice shot through the battle air. He got to my feet and pulled the kunai out of the dead shinobi's body.

"No one calls me weak," said Felix. "That asshole is going to pay."

"Felix!"

"Don't hold me back, Kate – I'm bringing a can of homosexual style ass whooping!"

I sighed and gave up trying to control him. "Well, that is the best kind…"

Felix had full control of my body from that point on. Hm… How to explain it… You see, I am completely useless when it comes to hand to hand combat – but somehow Felix knew how to kick butt (my split personality is awesome like that). He took out Konoha shinobi after Konoha shinobi until he found himself face to face with the original Tsunade.

"Kate!" cried Tsunade.

"Don't use that tone of voice with me, Ho." Felix dodged her first punch and tried to stab her with his kunai.

Tsunade sidestepped the knife. "What are you talking about? Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm back," said Felix. "And badass suits me well."

"It's not me!" I wailed.

"Go away!" snapped Felix. "You're screwing up my rhythm."

Tsunade blinked and managed to land a punch on my chest.

"Oh shit!" cried Felix, clutching my boob. "I'm supposed to be a dude for gods sake! Why do I have to put up with this!"

"I'm so confused," said Tsunade.

"You'd better be," said Felix, throwing another punch at Tsunade. "We're the magical switcher act – one moment we're sweet and innocent – the next we're a sarcastic homosexual asshole of a man trapped in a woman's body."

"What?"

"But I will be free one day!" Felix landed a hit on Tsunade's shoulder. She staggered backwards and healed herself with her chakra.

"Not this again," I said. "Felix, can you just knock people out and then move on – no more speeches about freedom!"

"Shut up – the free can never know the captives pain!"

I groaned. "Not this again…"

Thankfully, Tsunade had recovered from her wound and her confusion. Basically, she decided to completely ignore the Felix-Kate situation and just punch indiscriminately. I have to say that tactic worked wonders. She drew back her fist and unleashed her full fury on the side of Felix's head. Felix's eyes rolled back and we crumpled to the ground at Tsunade's feet.

She shook her fist, trying to get rid of the stinging pain. "Well that was weird."

I sat up and rubbed me head. "Felix?"

Tsunade stared. "You should be unconscious."

"Apparently you just knocked Felix out," I said. "That punch hurt…"

"I knocked you out."

"No," I said. "You knocked my split personality out – not me."

Tsunade stared – her mouth was wide open and catching flies like no tomorrow. "This is just getting weirder."

"That tends to happen," I said, getting to my feet.

Tsunade nodded. "This is weirder than the time you went insane over a chicken."

I paused. And blinked. And I don't remember much about what happened after that.

Kisame has tried to help me recall the events that occurred after Tsunade mentioned my beloved Mr. Nibbles. He's tried hypnosis and all that voodoo stuff, but none of it works. I just remember coming back to my senses and finding myself covered in blood.

Kisame has filled me in on – apparently – what happened while I was out of it. I can recount to you what I remember of the experience, but – just to warn you – it doesn't make much sense.

My eyes were glazed over – the world was dead to me – I punched Tsunade in the nose – she gasped for air – I punched her in the temple – she toppled to the ground – I stepped on her stomach – I puncher her – again – again – again.

I was running through a paddock with Mr. Nibbles at my side. There were clouds in the blue sky. We collapsed into the grass and gazed up at the white fluffy floating through the air. I pointed at a cloud and said it looked like a chicken. Mr. Nibbles smiled fondly and said it looked like a pig.

Tsunade was unconscious – I didn't stop punching her – she wasn't responding – Shino tried to pull me off Tsunade – I hit him too – I broke his glasses – he crumpled at my feet – trying to stop me – I was merciless.

Mr. Nibbles had grown to the size of a full man, but her still had stunted wings sprouting from his back and a sharp beak existed where his nose and mouth ought to be. His beady black eyes blinked and he got to his feet – his clawed feet scratching against the ground. He cawed and started running through the green pastures again. I chased after him, calling his name, but he faded into the distance.

Shino was a bloodied mess – Kakashi stepped in for Shino's sake – an epic ninja battle ensued – we blew up half the town in lightning and fire – I dodged all of his attacks – he barely avoided mine – I was a fighting machine – the world was dead to me – Kakashi struggled – the power of Mr. Nibbles was with me.

I reached out a hand t Mr. Nibbles. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled weakly. Then, he turned around and faced the charging bull. The bull snorted and tosses its head. Its horns were painfully sharp. I cried for Mr. Nibbles to run, but he refused to move. If he moved, the bull would come straight for me. But I couldn't let Mr. Nibbles die. Not for me. Not for me. The bull charged. Mr. Nibbles grabbed the bull by the horns. The two battled in an endless game of tug-of-war.

Kakashi dodged my fist – he was caught by me kick – he fell to the ground – I kicked him in the side of the head – he blocked – I punched him in the nose – he blocked – I hailed him with hits and blows – he dodged – barely.

Mr. Nibbles and the bull were having an epic showdown. I couldn't tell who was winning. I hoped it was Mr. Nibbles, but it was hard to tell. I kept screaming for Mr. Nibbles to save himself, but he refused. He would save me, if it was the last thing he did. And then he and the bull exploded into rose petals. (Yeah. That part confused me too). I was left alone in the pasture, the winds blowing behind me and the sky growing gradually darker.

Kakashi finally fell – I punched him over and over again – tears streamed down my face – Mr. Nibbles!

I think I regained consciousness about then. The pain of Mr. Nibbles's second disappearance in an explosion of rose petals brought me back to reality.

"Kate! Kate!"

I rolled my head to the side to see Kisame grab me by the shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"Hey, Kisame…" I said weakly. "Did I honor Mr. Nibbles?"

Kisame nodded. "Of course, Kate, of course. Mr. Nibbles will always be proud of you."

From somewhere in the distance – I couldn't really see her – Dessie said, "It's just a chicken, people!"

Kisame pulled to my feet and helped me hobble to the side. I leaned against his shoulder. Suddenly, I was all too aware of the blood on shy clothes.

"Kisame," I gasped. "What have I done?"

"Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!" Dessie was screaming and then: "Ouch!" I think Hannah hit Dessie over the head and told her to shut up. I can't be sure though.

"It's okay," said Kisame. "You took out Tsunade, Shino, and Kakashi – Leader will be pleased." He grinned. "You were like a demoness. It was _hot_."

I smiled weakly "I know what you've thinking…"

"So I should say something about Mr. Nibbles in bed tonight?"

I shuddered. "Don't bring my personal feelings into the bedroom!"

"But was a demoness you can do [omitted] and [omitted] where I [omitted] while you [omitted] and [omitted] then we'll [omitted] while [omitted] but not before we [omitted] and then we'd have some fun with [omitted]. Wouldn't that be great?"

My face grew paler and paler as I imagined all the omitted stuff Kisame wanted to do. "We're in the middle of a fight!" I cried. "Kisame!"

Laughing, Kisame lowered me onto a slab of concrete that had been uprooted in an explosion. I sat there and massaged my exhausted muscles, while Kisame gave me a quick hug and kiss and bounded back into the fight, a childlike glow across his face.

"How are you holding up?"

I glanced over to see Hannah, clutching her frying pan tightly. She was standing a little ways away from me with a pile of chunin at her feet. She hopped down the pile of debris to land next to me.

"Tired," I said.

"Long day," said Hannah. "Merry Christmas by the way."

"Merry Christmas to you too. Or Jashinmas, depending on your religion."

Hannah smirked. "I'll stick with the good old Christmas – it's safer."

"Yes," I muttered. "Because destroying whole villages on Christmas day is completely safe."

Hannah lifted her frying pan and smiled at me. "Welcome to the Akatsuki, Kate."

She returned to the fight, her frying an singing as it made contact with swords and knives. There came the occasional _crack_ as it smashed someone's skull. I watched from the sidelines, repeating over and over again in my head "_I am not made for battle. I am not made for battle. I am not made for battle. I am not made for battle_."

"Hey!"

My head jerked up to see the pineapple-haired Neji standing in front of me.

"You're one of the Akatsuki," cried Neji.

"Please don't hurt me!" I wailed, throwing my hands up in front of my face. "If you do, my boyfriend will rip out your heart and feed it to the sharks while you watch!"

Neji's eyes narrows. "Are you threatening me?"

The battle had had quite the toll on Neji. He was injured in one leg, with blood streaming down from his thigh, and I think his right arm was dislocated and broken since he was holding it awkwardly.

"No. Yes! Yes, I am. So don't hurt me – _please_?"

Neji smirked. "You're a lousy excuse for a shinobi."

"Who said I was a shinobi?" I cried. "I didn't even want to come on this stupid mission!"

Neji's eyes narrowed. "And what's your mission?"

I squeaked. "Too much information – oh look, Hidan's trying to chop off Mini-Spandex's head!"

"What's your mission?"

He was limping closer to me, the kunai in his hand dangling threateningly. I cringed. I thought I was going to die then and there – at the hands of a momentary cripple! But then I realized something. If I was going to die, I was going to die fighting.

As Kate – not Felix, not Mr. Nibbles-induced, not anyone but myself – I drew back my fist and punched Neji on his broken shoulder.

He cried out in pain and crumpled to the ground. I squeaked and ran away as fast as I could.

"Kate!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Zetsu standing a few feet away from me, his yellow eyes narrowed.

"Zetsu! Zetsu!" I cried, jumping up and down. "I did it! I hurt someone!"

Zetsu remained scowling.

"He was all like – I'm going to kill you. But then I thought – no – and I punched him on his broken shoulder – because I can be cruel too – and he was hurt so he fell down – oh I hope I didn't make his broken shoulder any worse!"

Zetsu glared. "You're ruining our dinner."

I stopped jumping and slowly lowered my eyes to the ground. I was standing on the back of some dead shinobi. All my jumping had grinded his face into the dirt and probably shattered some bones.

I screamed and leapt off the guy's back – practically flying through the air to Zetsu's side.

"You're going to eat that!"

Zetsu crouched over the body and poked the shoulder carefully. "Not any more… Or maybe we will. He might still be okay."

For a moment, I debated protesting. Then, I sighed and flopped down onto the ground amongst the dead bodies. I patted the shoulder of a shinobi whose skull had been half gnawed off by Zetsu. "Whatever."

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**A/N: Half the time, I write these chapters and I don't even think I'm being funny. Review if you think I'm funny! Oh my god, that is the lamest attempt I have ever made to get reviews. I'm in a shitty mood. I'm acting like a bitch right now, so just ignore me. Huh. It must be nearing that time of the month again... And yes, I should just shut up right now. Okay, okay, I got one - Review or I'll spend the entire next chapter rambling about me on that time of the month - and trust me, you don't want to know.**


	9. A Solution To Everything

**A/N: To understand the chapter title reference, check chapter sixty-one of Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal. **

**Look, for your sake I have just update three chapters. So, the least you could do is review every one of my chapters. I do what I do for your pleasure and all I ask in return is for you to type something in the little box at the bottom of the page. Come on, I know you can do it. Please?**

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**Chapter Nine: A Solution To Everything**

**Hannah**

While Kate was having her glorious I-Actually-Did-Something Moment, I ran into Hidan and the two of us battled the Ino-Shika-Cho Trio (yes, they actually have a lame name for their group – it's not even original since their dads used the name first).

To start off with, let me tell you that Ino is a bitch.

"You're an ugly whore!" screamed Ino, throwing a kunai at my head.

"I've heard that one before," I said, quickly blocking the kunai with my incredible frying pan.

"I mean, really," cried Ino. "What do you do with your _hair_? Do you even do anything? It looks so plain and dull and blah!"

"Really?" I asked. "We're in the middle of a fight and you're commenting about my _hair_."

"I'm sorry," said Ino. She charged at me with a another kunai, but I blocked it at the last second. "But you're just so ugly that I can't help it."

I'll have you know her insults had no affect on me whatsoever. I mean it. It's not like I've ever cared about how I looked. Don't look at me like that – I _really_ didn't care. It's not like I lost my head and tried to smash her ugly-piggy face in with my frying pan. I would never stoop to such a level.

_So_, while I was not going ballistic at Ino, Hidan was fighting Shikamaru and Chouji. Hidan had the upper hand, for the most part, but Shikamaru and Chouji were holding their own – well, mostly Shikamaru – I don't remember Chouji doing all that much.

"Why do I always end up fighting you?" asked Hidan.

Shikamaru scowled. "I could ask you the same question."

"What exactly is your problem with me, asshole?"

Shikamaru opened his mouth to reply, but Hidan cut across him.

"Whenever you see me, you come over and try to kill me. It's not like I've singled you out for a vendetta or anything – I'm fucking indiscriminate with my killing. But you and fatso over here have it out for me – it's fucking annoying."

Chouji's eyes narrowed. "What did you call me!"

"Fatso."

"I am not fat! It's chub!"

Chouji pounded his fists together and inflated into a giant ball.

Hidan stood back and stared at the effects of the jutsu for a second. "So you scream you're not fat and then expand into a giant bubble – yes, that makes perfect fucking sense!"

Chouji launched himself at Hidan, rolling through the air like a cannon ball. Hidan drew back his scythe, prepared to slice open Chouji like a grape. But before Hidan had a chance to attack, Kakuzu appeared out of nowhere and whacked Chouji with his briefcase. Chouji flew backwards, reducing to normal size before he hit the side of a building.

"Damn it, Kakuzu!" cried Hidan. "Jashin is not pleased with you!"

"Where have you been?" I asked, pushing Ino out of my way.

"Stealing from civilians," said Kakuzu cheerfully. "Christmas is such a great time of year."

"I don't like it," said Hidan. "Random people attack me for no good reason." He shot a glare in Shikamaru's direction.

"Y–" Shikamaru began.

"He probably has a reason," I said. "People generally don't attack you for no reason."

"That's complete bullshit," said Hidan. "Kakuzu attacks me for no reason all the time."

"There's always a reason," said Kakuzu.

"What?"

"You won't shut up."

Hidan scoffed. "That's a terrible reason to kill someone."

"Yes, because killing random people in the name of your made-up god is so much better."

"Don't insult Jashin's name, you heathen!"

Ino tried to attack me again, and barely dodged it and tried to whack her over the head with my frying pan. She blocked the frying pan and used her kunai to slice open my shoulder. I let out a cry of pain and jumped backwards.

"Ouch!" I wiped the blood from my shoulder. "Kakuzu, you're my boyfriend – shouldn't you do something about this?"

"Why?"

I sighed. "I don't know. Isn't that what boyfriends are supposed to do?"

"Maybe."

"I'll kill her for you," said Hidan, leaping forward. "In the name of Jashin."

"You're fighting me!" cried Shikamaru.

"Why?"

"Because you killed my sensei!"

Hidan glanced from me to Shikamaru to Kakuzu back to Shikamaru to Ino and then back to Shikamaru. Finally, Hidan turned to me. "Did I?"

"Asuma. Dessie called him Dark-Hottie, I think."

As the memory came rushing back to him, a slow grin crossed Hidan's face. "I remember now – I killed his sensei. Sucks to be you, shithead."

I sighed. "You do know that Shikamaru then tried to burry you in a hole. He almost succeeded until Dessie came a rescued you."

Hidan glared at me. "You could have left that part out, bitch."

"My girlfriend isn't a bitch," said Kakuzu.

I snorted. "Oh, now you act like a boyfriend."

"What?"

"Oh never mind."

Kakuzu took over my fight with Ino, while I headed away to fix my wound. I found Kate sitting on the ground amongst a pile of dead bodies, looking exhausted.

"Any bandages?" I asked.

"Yeah." She pulled out her pouch and began rummaging through the medical supplies.

"Why are you hanging out with the dead?" I asked. "Hoping to avoid attacks?"

"I'm protecting Zetsu's dinner."

I scrunched up my face. "Have fun with that."

Kate passed me some bandages and I wrapped up my shoulder. I passed back the remaining bandages and turned to face the battlefield.

"Tobi looks like he needs some help," said Kate.

I followed her gaze to see Tobi battling three Konoha shinobi. Usually, I'd expect him to defeat them easily – he normally goes into Madara mode whenever there's a threat around, but for some reason he seemed to be having trouble at the moment.

"I'll go rescue him," I said, gripping my frying pan. "I might not be that much help, but I might be able to whack him over the head."

"Go for it," said Kate. She leaned back against a dead woman and sighed. "I'll be here… With my new friends."

"Have fun with that."

I headed to Tobi, dodging amongst the battles going n around me. As soon as I arrived, I figured out why Tobi was having so much trouble. From what I could tell, he got hit over the head _really _hard and was now switching constantly between Madara and Tobi. It sounded a little something like this.

"Tobi is a – get out of my way, I want to crush some – good boy – traitorous heads – Tobi has to fight – stop talking – nice people – it's annoying – but he does it – and confusing – out of love – stop it – for his Nunus!"

"Hey," I said, stepping into the fight.

"Hannah-Nunu – the sadistic girl."

"Tobi, Madara," I greeted them politely (or as politely as I could muster since I was trying to restrain laughter). "How are you doing?"

"Tobi is – terrible – doing great!"

"I can see that.'

"Tobi missed – having fun – Hannah-Nunu – laughing at us,"

"You two are giving me a headache."

Tobi doesn't – good – want to give Hannah-Nunu – you deserve it – a headache."

I opened my mouth to say something, while the three shinobis Tobi-Madara were fighting exploded. I looked about wildly, and my gaze fell upon the giant clay bird that landed where the explosion had just occurred. Dessie and Deidara hopped of the bird, the both of them laughing maniacally at their success.

"Hey, Dessie," I said.

"Hey, Hannah." She glanced at Tobi-Madara and her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Which one are you?"

"Tobi! Guess."

Dessie raised one eyebrow and turned to me. "Well that was a confusing response."

"They're switching."

"Tobi is glad – nice to see you – Dessie-Nunu – crazy stalker – is okay – have you died yet?"

Dessie stared at Tobi-Madara for two seconds. Then, she grabbed her stomach and doubled over, trembling with wild laughter. "You've got to be kidding me! That's perfect! So perfect!"

"Tobi was – you're a – hit over the head – bitch – with a hammer – I hope – Tobi is glad – you choke – Dessie-Nunu is – and die – happy."

Dessie couldn't stop laughing.

"How do we fix it, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Why would we fix it?" I asked. "This is hilarious."

"Yeah, but he's kind of useless, uhn. We are fighting Konoha."

Dessie stopped laughing long enough to answer Deidara's question. "We fix it like this." And with that, she whacked Madara (I think Tobi was Madara right then, though it was hard to tell) over the head. Madara's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he crumpled to the ground. But before the body could land, Tobi took control and hopped to his feet.

"Tobi thanks Dessie-Nunu."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I was trying to get it to land on Madara – I guess I failed."

"Dessie-Nunu doesn't love Tobi?"

"No."

Tobi looked close to tears. He turned to me and sniffled. "But Hannah-Nunu loves Tobi, right?"

"Sure."

Tobi giggled in delight and clapped his hands.

"No go kill people," I added.

"Anything for Hannah-Nunu." And with that, Tobi skipped off into the fray and started murdering left and right.

"He's such a cheerful little murderer," said Dessie fondly.

"Come on, uhn," said Deidara eagerly. "I see some Hyuuga waiting to become art!"

Dessie cackled and hopped on the back of the clay bird. Deidara paused and turned to me with a huge grin. "Want to come, uhn?"

I shook my head. "I prefer to keep two feet on the ground."

Deidara shrugged. "You have no appreciation for art, uhn." He jumped onto the back of the bird with Dessie. The beast flapped its wings and took off, soaring high into the sky, its clay eyes fixed on the Hyuuga family.

I headed across the battlefield where I saw Sasori and Zetsu fighting Sakura. The fight seemed pretty intense and I think Sakura was losing.

"What's up?" I asked as I joined Sasori and Zetsu.

"We're looking for more dinner," said Zetsu.

I nodded. "I saw Kate with your pile."

Zetsu smiled, showing all of his teeth. "Is she looking after our meal?"

"Dutifully." I turned to Sasori. "And how are you?"

Sasori gritted his teeth as his puppets battled Sakura. "This pink haired bitch has it out for me."

"She killed the other you," said Zetsu.

"So I've heard."

"I don't get it," cried Sakura, trying to heal her broken wrist, but finding she was running out of chakra. "You should be dead."

"I'm a zombie," said Sasori nonchalantly.

"What?" cried Sakura. "That's ridiculous!"

"You'd be surprised," I muttered.

"We don't like zombies," said Zetsu. "We can't eat zombies."

I rolled my eyes towards the blue sky. "Do you judge everything by what you can and can't eat?"

"So what if we do?"

Zetsu sunk into the ground and reappeared behind Sakura. She saw him at the last second and screamed in horror. Zetsu sank his teeth into Sakura's shoulder and took a massive bite.

"Now her," said Zetsu after he chewed and swallowed. "Now her, we can eat."

Sakura's screams reached a whole new level. She writhed in agony and struggled against Zetsu's grip.

"That's nasty," I said, making a face.

"Are you surprised?" asked Sasori.

Sakura saw her own blood dripping down Zetsu's chin and promptly fainted.

"Not really – but that doesn't make it any less gross."

"_What's going on here_?"

I glanced over and saw Naruto a few feet away. His blue eyes were wide with horror as he saw Sakura lying unconscious in Zetsu's arms.

"He was hungry," said Sasori, as if that explained everything.

"It was a fair fight," I said. "No cheating – which is more than I can say for most of the Akatsuki."

"She tasted good," said Zetsu.

"_I'll kill you_!"

How should I explain what happened next? Naruto's eyes changed to red, the scratches on his cheeks became more pronounced and his blond hair stood up on end. His nails grew to cat-like length and he crouched down on all fours. A red-aura appeared around him, bubbling and foaming dangerously. But he wasn't done there. Apparently he liked Sakura quite a lot, since the transformation kept going. The red aura turned black and solidified until he resembled a snarling fox.

Sasori blinked. "Oh shit."

Zetsu dropped Sakura.

"Yeah," I said, glancing at Zetsu while the fox howled irritably. "That probably wasn't the brightest idea – you couldn't have _placed _her on the ground, could you?"

The fox opened its mouth and a black ball of some very dangerous matter appeared. For a second I thought the fox was going to swallow the ball, but the he hurled it at us.

Remember how I always say I am not a ninja? Well now we get to see my inabilities in action. Sasori managed to dodge using one of his puppets and Zetsu disappeared into the ground. I stood there. Rooted to the spot. Staring at the black orb, my mouth hanging open. I think my exact words were:

"This is why you should never eat people."

The orb hit me. There was a blinding black light, a gust of air, an explosion of pain, and then silence. An all consuming silence that filled the emptiness around me. Silence.

And that is the story of how I died.


	10. How Not To Cheer People Up

**Chapter Ten: How Not To Cheer People Up**

**Dessie**

I tipped my head backwards and gazed up at the endlessly blue sky. The wind was gushing through my hair, wiping the wild, black mess in all directions. As the clay bird shifted beneath my feet and Deidara laughed hysterically to my right, I felt powerful. A grin spread across my face and a laugh burst from my lips. I don't mean a happy laugh – I mean a real, true, _evil_ laugh. You just don't get a lot of good evil laughs nowadays. People don't practice their evil laughs enough. I practice – just so you know. I practice at least once a day. I stand in front of the mirror and cackle. It's very effective. You should try it sometime. You might learn something about evil laughter.

I'm getting sidetracked.

Right. I was on the bird's back, laughing.

"Who should we destroy next?" I asked.

Deidara glanced down below, a mad smirk across his face. "They look like they need to be taught the true definition of art, uhn."

I scanned the ground and the destruction we had caused. Konoha might as well not exist anymore. We had fucked it over. We had fucked it over _real good_. I smiled. "I'm pleased."

"Because we were trying to please you, uhn," said Deidara, but he was smiling too.

"Leader will be happy," I said. "I think they've learned to fear us again.'

My eyes snagged on the giant fox in the distance. The fox stood amongst the rubble that was once Konoha. He was growling at three familiar figures – a Venus Flytrap, a red-headed puppeteer, and a sadistic queen. The fox opened its jaws and formed a giant black ball in its throat.

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"Uhn?"

Zetsu disappeared into the ground, Sasori fled with his puppets, but Hannah – Hannah remained stock still, unable to move as shock took control of her body. The fox unleashed its ball of fury.

"Deidara!"

"What!"

The world exploded.

Air gushed through my hair, knocking the bird backwards with the eruption of power. Deidara steered the bird away from the explosion, trying to figure out what had just happened.

"Hannah!" I scrambled to the edge of the bird. "Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

"What?" Deidara leapt to the side of the bird with me. "What's going on, uhn?"

The smoke cleared, leaving a deep trench in the ground. Rocks were uprooted and debris was thrown completely out of the way.

"Hannah!" I screamed. "Where is she? Deidara! I can't see her!"

"What happened, uhn?"

I jumped off the bird. Yeah, it was a pretty stupid move in hindsight. I was about the same height as three-stories in the air (though Deidara claims it was even higher) and I jumped. I plummeted straight down and landed feet-first on the ground.

My legs broke.

I screamed and howled. I lay on the ground, my broken legs beneath me, and wailed. I don't know how long I lay there, but my legs eventually fixed themselves (immortality for the win). The second the bones were no longer shattered into a million pieces, I leapt up and sprinted along the destroyed ground, searching the deep trench where Hannah had been standing only moment before.

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

Nothing.

"Hannah!"

"Dessie? What the hell are you doing?"

I spun around – allowing the deep voice to let me hope – but I turned to see the silver-haired Hidan, scowling at me amongst the rubble.

"Where is she?" I wailed.

"Where's who?"

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

Hidan blinked stupidly. "She's not here?"

"She's not anywhere!"

"Maybe she, um, left."

I shrieked. "People do not just get up and leave! Well, maybe they do – but not like this! They do not disappear off the face of the Earth! People are here! Was there an orb! Maybe there was an orb! Those Jashin-damned orbs – they keep popping up where they aren't wanted! We don't want those stupid orbs! We don't want them! Fuck them! Four can take those stupid orbs and shove them up his ass! Just give Hannah _back_! Hannah! Hannah! _Hannah_!"

Hidan just stood there in front of me. His mouth moved soundlessly, but no actual words came out.

"You're useless!" I screamed, throwing a punch at Hidan's stomach. He was too shocked to even dodge it. "Go find her! Go find her and bring her back! Go jump into that fucking orb with her! Go find her! Even if she's back in Wargonia, go find her! Hidan! Hidan! Hannah!"

"Dessie."

I spun around – insert moment of hope here – to see the Venus flytrap encased Zetsu. He looked rather distraught, his half-black face and his half-white face battling emotions.

"Quit doing that!" I screamed. "Don't say my name! Don't say my name! Shut the fuck up! Don't say my name! Where's Hannah? Four took her, didn't he! Damn it! Stop it! Stop it! Four – Jashin damn you! Four! Hannah! Four! Where's Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! AAHH!" I sat down n the ground and buried my head in my arms.

"She's…" Zetsu's white half choked on his own words. "She's dead."

Now, I don't know if you have ever seen Dessie go insane – but let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. Dessie is crazy and wild and violent _without_ a motive. So, imagine how crazy, violent, and wild she must be _with_ a motive.

I don't remember what happened after that. According the rest of the Akatsuki, I went Dessie-Shit-Insane (yes, it has a name, it's kind of like bat-shit-insane, but with more Dessie). Kisame claims it reminds him of Kate on Mr. Nibbles mode, but Sasori disagrees. Kate gone insane is funny – Dessie gone insane is just scary. Basically, when I came to again, Konoha didn't even have debris left to mark its existence and the demon fox was no longer around.

The Akatsuki had gathered in the trees and now that I had stopped destroying everything, they leapt out into the open.

"Dessie," said Itachi.

"Where's Hannah?"

"She's dead."

I turned to stare at Itachi. "You didn't say 'hn'."

"Hn?"

I smiled. "I think I might of killed Sunshine-Hottie."

Kakuzu prodded the unconscious Naruto with his foot. Naruto groaned and rolled over, blood streaming from a wound on his forehead. Kakuzu straightened up. "No. He's alive."

"That's good…"

My legs collapsed beneath me.

* * *

The journey home from Konoha was, um, interesting. And sad. Actually, scratch the interesting and just use sad. It was sad, very sad.

Hidan had picked me up and volunteered to piggyback me home. Kisame was trying to comfort Kate while she bawled his eyes out on his shoulders. Zetsu and Deidara were comforting each other (a scene you will never see or hear of again) while Kakuzu ran on in silence. Itachi and Sasori were a little behind me, so I couldn't see what they were doing either, but I know Tobi was weeping opened – he missed his Nunu.

"Cheer up," said Hidan. "Hannah is with Jashin-sama now."

"Yeah," I said. "That's not helping."

"Okay…" Hidan thought about it for a second. "Alright. I got one – a man walks into a bar – Ouch."

I blinked. "You've reached a whole new level of stupid."

"That usually happens when you walk into a bar," said Sasori.

"He's trying to get us to think that the bar is the one you get drunk in, not the metal bar that you beat people over the head with," I explained.

"Bars don't generally hurt," said Deidara. "Unless you're really wasted, uhn."

"Fine. You've all heard that one before."

"I haven't," said Sasori.

"Yes, but no one cares what you think. But I've got more. What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion – a piece of ass that makes your eyes water."

"Stupid," I muttered.

"Pieces of ass generally don't make my eyes water, uhn. I like to keep my eyes clear so I can admire that piece of ass." Deidara paused before adding, "You know who had a nice piece of ass – Hannah."

"I don't think you're supposed to bring her name up so quickly," said Sasori. "We're still in the mourning phase."

"Oh." Deidara considered this. "Hannah's death must be a big deal."

"Weren't you the one who was desperately in love with her?" asked Sasori.

Deidara frowned. "Yeah, but she went out with a _bang_. Like a piece of art. She should be proud to be a beautiful moment in life, uhn."

"He's crazy," I murmured.

"He's fucked-up insane," said Hidan.

"What I want to know," said Deidara. "Is why Kakuzu isn't more upset."

We all turned to stare at Kakuzu, who was running through the forest as if we were returning from any other mass murdering mission.

"That is very suspicious," said Hidan.

"Maybe he's in shock," I said.

"Or maybe," said Deidara. "He was never really in love with her in the first place and was only dating her to spite me."

I giggled. "I know a secret." Then, the memory of Hannah's fresh death flashed through my mind and my laughter faded into nothing. "Deidara, shut up. You're annoying."

"And you're a bitch, I thought we had this established, uhn."

We fell into a stiff silence, broken only by Hidan's cry of "What do you call a woman with two arms and one leg? Eileen!"

"Stupid," I said.

"I'm pretty sure there are some cripples who are offended by that," said Sasori.

"You people suck. Okay. What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug!" Hidan cackled gleefully. "Get it? Because he has a spade in his head…"

"Stupidest," I said.

"I got one," said Deidara. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, uhn."

I smiled weakly. "And with that one joke, you have beaten all of Hidan's."

Hidan flipped off Deidara. "You're so damn hard to please. Fine. How about this? What kind of cheese can't you eat? Nacho cheese!" Hidan laughed. "You see. Because it's _not your _cheese."

"Bad to worse."

"You could also use Jack Cheese," said Deidara.

"We're kidnapping cheese now?" asked Sasori.

Deidara nodded. "I'll distract the owners and you can smuggle the cheese into the back of the van, uhn."

"The poor cheese," said Kisame, who shifted the now sleeping Kate on his back to a more comfortable position. "And, Hidan, you suck at cheering girls up."

"Because you're so good at it," snapped Hidan. "Alright. I have another one. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!"

"Someone shut him up," groaned Sasori.

Kakuzu obliged by beating Hidan over the head with his briefcase. Hidan fell unconscious and Kakuzu carried Hidan the rest of the way home while Itachi piggybacked me. I have to say, Itachi's endless silence was much more comforting than Hidan's attempts at jokes. I think I fell asleep some way along the ride home.

* * *

We returned to the hideout like it was any other mission – except this time we carried a massive unhappiness on a shoulders and were accompanied by a cloud of doom and despair.

Leader greeted us cheerfully. "Is Konoha terrified of you now?"

"They're afraid of Dessie," said Sasori.

Leader practically beamed at me. "What did you do? Knock off some heads? Did they all scream at the sight of you? You had a good evil laugh, right? I know you've been practicing."

I nodded mutely.

"You told them all 'Merry Christmas' when you left though, right?" said Leader. "That punch of – your holiday sucks – you didn't miss that up, did you?"

"We didn't say it," said Zetsu flatly.

"Aw, disappointing." Leader sighed. "I guess villains just don't have the same artistic flare nowadays. They just go a wreck havoc on the world and waltz away without installing the proper attitude of confidence and evil and cruelty – they just assume might is fear. You need to learn how to be true villains. You may be evil, but you have yet to master your evil sides. Master your evilness! I guess I could send you all on another mission, maybe then you can perfect you criminal sides…"

Konan, at least, seemed to notice something was wrong with us, because she cut across Leader and asked, "What's wrong?"

I think it was Kate who sleepily raised her head and said, with the upmost softness in her voice, "Hannah's dead."

Leader laughed.

And I don't just mean laugh – he guffawed. He was practically rolling on the ground with body-shaking laughter. He gasped for air between burst of snickers, while clutching his sides and letting out a stream of mirth.

"What's so funny?" asked Kisame.

"Hannah!" cried Leader, still shaking wildly. "Hannah! Dead? It's hilarious."

"We don't think it is," said Zetsu.

"Hannah! Hannah – dead? I mean, if you're going to make a joke about it, you could have at least said it was Kate who died. I mean – I'd believe you if Kate had died."

"Um…"

I glanced at Zetsu, who looked to taken aback to reply. In the end, it was Itachi who finally managed to say: "Hn."

"He says we're serious," translated Kisame. "Hannah really is dead."

"No way," said Leader, his laughter doubling. "The fact that you're still trying to carry on the joke is even more hilarious."

"But she's dead," said Sasori.

"Really dead," added Hidan.

"The kind of dead you don't come back from," added Kakuzu.

"Do you _mind_!" I snapped, kicking Hidan in the shins.

"Sorry," said Hidan, clutching his stinging shins. "But she really is dead."

"_Do you know how to comfort people at all_!" I hissed.

"Probably not…" said Hidan. "It's not like I do it often. Jashin does not support comforting."

There was a pause. I smiled weakly at Hidan. "Thanks…"

"Wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment."

Leader stood there with his hands raised.

"Yes?"

"Hannah's dead."

Kisame sighed in exasperation. "Yes, Leader – we've told you fifty times."

"Hannah's dead."

"Yes!"

Leader grabbed his stomach and stared laughing again.

"What now?" asked Deidara in exasperation.

"You're still trying to pull this lie?" asked Leader. "It's ridiculous."

Sasori rolled his eyes and stepped over Leader's body. "I'm going to make some coffee."

"I want some!" I cried, hopping over Leader to follow Sasori to the kitchen.

Behind me, I heard Kate saying, "Should we do something about him?"

"Don't worry," said Konan. "He'll figure it out soon enough."

* * *

**A/N: Yes, she is dead. Review! OR HANNAH WILL STAY DEAD! **


	11. Rise From The Dead

**Chapter Eleven: Rise From The Dead**

**Kate**

How do I describe the Akatsuki have Hannah's death? The best I can come up with is – nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why? Nothing happened. We did nothing. It was three days after Hannah's death. Leader had finally realize that this was not a joke. Zetsu had stopped trying to eat his own arm in guilt. Deidara had stopped trying to convince everyone that her death had been a work of art. Hidan had stopped trying to make lame jokes in an effort to cheer everyone up. Kakuzu had stopped beating Hidan over the head for making lame jokes in an effort to cheer everyone up. Konan had stopped trying to make a thousand paper cranes so her wish would be granted. Sasori had stopped watching Pinocchio over and over again with tears in his eyes. Tobi had stopped trying all sorts of weird voodoo tricks in an attempt to bring Hannah back to life. Kisame had stopped being over protective of my feelings and beating up anyone who mentioned Hannah's name. Dessie had stopped taking her anger out on Hidan every two seconds (she does that anyway, so I think her stopping is probably a bad sign). And I – well, I had stopped crying constantly, though I was still susceptible to random outbreaks of sobbing. Just to give you a heads up.

So, this afternoon, three days after Hannah's death, the Akatsuki were lying about the hideout's living room like a bunch of lazy couch potatoes. Dessie, Sasori, and I were lying about the sofa. Dessie had her feet slung over the arm of the couch and her head resting in Sasori's lap. It was terrible. Sasori was too lazy to punish Dessie for acting so familiar (I think Hannah's death had a terrible impact on Sasori no matter how hard he tried to hide it). I sat next to them, my head resting on the arm of the couch. Itachi was sitting in the lazy boy (it was his favorite seat), reading a book. Out of all of us, I would say he was the least affect by Hannah's death (sorry, Hannah), but I think he was just better at hiding it than everyone else. Then there was Kakuzu who was sitting in the arm chair, counting his money for the nth time that day.

The door to the living room opened and Tobi ran in, tears streaming down his mask from the one eye opening.

"Tobi doesn't like this!" he wailed. "Tobi wants Hannah-Nunu back."

Dessie flipped Tobi off.

"She's not coming back," said Kakuzu flatly.

"Tobi can't believe how heartless Kakuzu is!" cried Tobi, practically jumping on Kakuzu's lap in an effort to knock some sense into him. "Hannah-Nunu is _dead_!"

"And that sucks," said Kakuzu. "And I'm still short fifty bucks – I bet that bitch shorted me."

"_Kakuzu_!" screamed Tobi.

Dessie flipped them both off.

"Tobi's a sap and Kakuzu's heartless – what else is knew?" asked Sasori.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I burst into tears. Sasori scooted away from me. Itachi glared at us over the top of his book.

"Hn."

Dessie flipped Itachi off.

"Will you stop that?" asked Sasori.

Dessie flipped him off too.

"She's been… like this… all day," I said between sobs. "She just… can't take… the _incident_."

"She means Hannah's death," provided Kakuzu.

Tobi wailed. "Kate is unhappy too! Tobi is sad! Kate is sad! Tobi and Kate should get together and be sad!" He leapt onto the sofa with Dessie, Sasori, and me. Sasori pushed Tobi off the sofa and Dessie flipped Tobi off.

The door to the living room opened once again. This time it was Deidara and Zetsu who entered together. Hannah's death had affected them both deeply. They hadn't tried to kill each other once in the three days that had passed. They had _almost _become friends – which was a scary though indeed.

"What's going on?" asked Deidara.

"Tobi's being stupid," said Sasori.

"What else is new, uhn?"

"Kakuzu is short fifty bucks."

"You-Know-Who must have taken it," said Deidara.

"Her name is Hannah and she's dead," said Kakuzu.

Insert Dessie flipping Kakuzu off here.

"Do you have to point it out every time?" I wailed, wiping away the remainder of my last tear-attack. "It hurts."

Kakuzu shrugged. "Great. Now I'm going to have to search her room for the extra money."

"Do you have to?" I asked. "No one has gone in that room… Konan's even sharing with Leader–"

"Which is a great sacrifice, I'm sure," said Deidara.

"I want my money," said Kakuzu firmly.

"We think Kakuzu is a terrible boyfriend," said Zetsu. "We make a better husband."

"I don't see you doing anything particularly moving, uhn."

"Tobi misses Hannah-Nunu more than you."

"We're ignoring the funny man in a mask," said Zetsu.

"That's what we all do," said Sasori.

I felt another tear trickle down my face and, before I could help it, I had my head buried in my arms again and my whole body was trembling with a fit of misery.

"There she goes again," said Kakuzu.

"It's kind of pathetic," said Zetsu.

"Tobi understand Kate's pain!"

I wailed even louder. "I miss Hannah!"

"It's better than the last two days," said Kakuzu. "Remember when it was constant."

Sasori shook his head in mock-sadness. "Kisame never had a dry shirt to spare."

"He makes a good crying pillow," I sniffled through my tears. "He's big and squishy – like a teddy bear." My crying fit stopped as soon as it had come and I wiped the tear-stains off my face.

"You're strange," said Zetsu.

The door to the living room opened once again and Konan came storming in. We all turned to stare and she stomped her feet and sat down – rather harshly if I might add – on the floor between the couch and the arm chair.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Leader!" she snapped. "He's impossible. One moment he says – pass me the file for manages the accounts – and then the next he says – I didn't ask for that, you've been too distracted – and I say – well, yes, Hannah did just die – and he says – that isn't an excuse not to work! – The nerve of him!"

Konan glared dagger at the floor.

"Um, right," said Deidara.

"Leader has been taking all this fairly well," said Sasori. "Though I think I liked the laughing Leader better. Why did Dessie have to beat the truth into him again?"

Dessie flipped Sasori off.

"Don't insult your pillow," said Sasori.

Cue Dessie and her finger again.

Sasori pushed her off his lap and she fell on the floor with a heavy thud. Dessie lay there, too lazy and unmotivated to move.

"Has she even left this room?" asked Zetsu.

"Don't ask," advised Sasori.

"Itachi has been bringing her food and water," I said.

"Well isn't Itachi nice," said Deidara, sitting on the floor next to Dessie. "He's been keeping her alive. I would have just left her to die, uhn."

Dessie flipped him off.

The door opened yet again (why does everyone keep coming to the living room!). This time it was Hidan who came in. He was only wearing pants, which in itself wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the lack of blood covering his torso.

"Don't tell me there's something wrong with you too," said Sasori in exasperation.

"I can't do it," said Hidan. "Murdering someone in a bathtub doesn't feel right."

"Don't tell me," gasped Deidara. "Hannah's death has made Hidan realize the error in his ways."

"Fuck no. I just think that if I was happy slaughtering people, it would be bad for all the sad and miserable souls in this house." Hidan kicked Dessie in the side. She flipped him off.

"Is that all she does?"

"Yes."

Hidan crouched down over Dessie's body and poked her forehead. "You look as dead as the other one."

"He means Hannah," said Kakuzu for clarification.

"Will you stop that!" I wailed.

"No."

"I'm bored," said Sasori.

"We can always watch Pinocchio, uhn," said Deidara with a malicious grin.

"Fuck you," said Sasori. "That's a great movie."

And then the waterworks started up again. I tried desperately to wipe away the tears before they started going full blast, but there were no breaks. I wailed and wept without regret.

"Here we go again," said Sasori.

In the middle of my water show, the door opened and Kisame stepped into the living room. He took one look at me and turned to glower at the Akatsuki, "Okay, who made Kate cry?"

"All I said was Pinocchio was a great movie," said Sasori.

"Darn it, Sasori," cried Kisame. "We all know Kate hates Pinocchio."

"I don't… hate… Pinocchio," I sniffled.

"Oh. Then why are you crying?"

I wiped some snot from my nose with the back of my hand. I'm sure I looked beautiful. Puffy pink eyes, a runny nose, tear-streaks running down my face, and snuffling every few seconds – I could have been the Fence's Next Top Model.

"I miss Hannah!" I wailed.

Now, I can't say Kisame is the boyfriend I have always dreamed about since I was a little girl, but when I said those miserable words, I can tell you Kisame had the best possible solution.

"But I'm right here."

I stopped crying and stared. "What?"

"Hi, Kate," said Kisame in an unnaturally girly voice. "How are you today?"

"Um… Terrible…"

"Well that's great. I'm swell." Kisame giggled. "I've conned several men of their life savings already – and it's not even time for dinner! You want to go paint our toe nails?"

I coughed.

"Um," said Sasori slowly. "Is he pretending to be Hannah?"

Kisame pranced across the room and leapt onto Kakuzu's lap. "Look! It's my super manly boyfriend! I'm dating him for fun, but secretly I'm in love with Dei-Dei – tehehehehe."

"This is scary," said Hidan.

My mouth moved in silent horror.

"Dessie!" cried Kisame, clapping his hands together. "You're my super evil best friend – what demonically villainous things shall we do today? Slaughter a town? Rob them of their riches? Sacrifice people to Jahsin-sama? Or will you get drunk and I'll film it?"

Dessie sat up and stared. "Kisame," she said. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"She spoke!" cried Konan.

Kisame waltzed around the room, still giggling like a deranged high-school girl. "Zetsu is my precious little house plant – cannibalism is good for you! Deidara is my vicious lackey – mess with me and you get your head blown off! And Kakuzu is my partner in crime – his tentacles can rape you in thirteen different ways! I'm a bad, bad girl."

Kakuzu blinked. "This is wrong on so many levels that I don't know where to begin."

Kisame posed in front of the still damaged TV. He pressed one finger to his lips and pouted. "What? You don't want some of this sadism? I'll make you dance circles around one another while dropping sarcastic comments and saving the tapes for blackmail later. But somehow this turns on about half of the Akatsuki for reasons no one can actually explain."

"Evil attracts evil," said Dessie.

"Oh." Kisame giggled. "To think I'm learning these things from Dessie. Insert sarcastic comment here – tehehehehe."

"Kate," said Sasori. "I think you need to help Kisame better his girl impersonations."

"What are you talking about?" asked Kisame. "I'm not impersonating anyone – tehehehe."

I was too speechless to do anything. How would you feel if you saw your boyfriend prancing around the room like a giant fairy!

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi, leaping to his feet. "Hannah-Nunu is back from the dead!" He leapt at Kisame, his arms outstretched, but at the last second, Kisame batted Tobi's head down and Tobi landed on the floor at Kisame's feet. Kisame giggled. "Tehehehehehe."

"I think I'm permanently scarred," said Deidara. "I can't think of Hannah the same way again, uhn."

"At least he has the Tobi Rejection down right," said Zetsu.

"Don't be silly, House Plant," said Kisame, patting Zetsu on the head. "Insert sarcastic comment here about how you eat people – tehehehehehe."

Zetsu snapped at Kisame's blue fingers, but Kisame pulled away at the last second.

"Naughty, naughty, House Plant," said Kisame, quickly backing away.

"Except he has a distorted vision of our relationship with Hannah," said Zetsu grouchily.

Dessie giggled. "I don't know – I think Kisame has it down pretty well."

"Don't encourage him, uhn."

I covered my mouth to suppress a laugh. When I glanced up I saw Kisame grinning at me wildly. I smiled back shyly and he stepped forward and gave me a quick kiss.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Good. I knew a little girl-on-girl action would cheer you up."

A huge blush spread across my face and I covered my flaming cheeks in my hands. "Kisame!"

He stood up, put one hand on his hip and cried, "It's Hannah."

"What's going on here?"

We all turned in the direction of the door to see Leader standing at the entrance of the living room, staring at Kisame with uncomprehending eyes.

Kisame rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Just two girls making out to cheer everyone up…"

Dessie flipped him off.

* * *

**A/N: Lol to you Kisame. Sorry, Hannah's still dead. REVIEW OR KISAME WILL ACT AS HANNAH FOR THE REST OF THE STORY!**


	12. She's Back

**Chapter Twelve: She's Back**

**Hannah**

Oh wait. Hannah's dead. Never mind.


	13. We Know Blue People

**Chapter Thirteen: We Know Blue People**

**Dessie**

I was sitting cross legged on the bed in Kate's room (she refused to come into my room since it usually smelt like blood). A permanent scowl had been fixed on my face for the past week. Of course, I wasn't the own scowling person who had been around the hideout this week. Almost everyone had either been scowling, crying, or doing something out of his or her normal behavioral patterns. Hannah's death was not a happy time for us in the Akatsuki.

"I want to kill them all," I announced.

Kate nodded gloomily and Felix added, "Make them suffer." He paused. "Why are we making them suffer again?"

"They killed Hannah."

"Of course!" cried Felix. "Those bastards! Why do we care about Hannah again?"

I sighed. "As much as you and your asshole ways amuse me, Felix – can I talk to Kate?"

Felix sighed and stepped aside to let Kate take charge. She smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Dessie, he does that."

"Yeah, yeah. Where was I again? Oh right. We need to take revenge. Destroy Konoha – crush them into little tiny pieces and make them squirm."

"I think you already did that," said Kate.

"When?"

"You went crazy after, um, the _incident_ and kind of wiped Konoha out of existence."

I sighed. "They can rebuild. I mean _really_ destroy them. Like the crush all their hopes and dreams and turn them into slaves of their own bleak vision of the future."

"Are you even human?"

"Probably not." I examined my fingernails and then, as an after thought, I hoped up from the bed and announced, "I'm going to get some coffee."

"Is there any left?" asked Kate.

"There should be, I don't think Leader or Kakuzu drank the rest."

Kate nodded and I left her to her plotting as I headed to the kitchen to make myself a nice cup of coffee and vodka (it's good for stressful times). I entered the kitchen when – guess who should be finishing off the last of the coffee.

"Damn you, Madara!"

Madara turned around to stare at me. He smiled behind that stupid orange mask (I could see the smile in his eye, okay!) and sipped his coffee smugly. "Hello, Dessie."

"We meet again," I said, leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms.

"We do indeed."

"How have you been?"

"Tobi."

"That's terrible."

"You have no idea."

My eyes narrowed and I watched him gulp down more coffee. Slowly, I moved across the kitchen to the alcohol cabinet, where I pulled down a bottle of vodka.

"A bit early in the morning for that," said Madara.

"I'm deprived of my coffee, I'm deprived of my Hannah – I'm allowed some vodka in the morning. It relives stress."

Madara snorted. "Don't tell me you're the type who drowns her sorrows in the bottom of the bottle."

"Where else can you drown your sorrows?" I asked.

"Go find your boyfriend," said Madara. "I'm sure he'll help – I hear blood and guts are good for the soul."

I didn't even bother getting a glass for the vodka. I just took the whole bottle and headed for the door. I paused, half way out the kitchen, and turned around to face Madara. "You seriously need to get laid." And then I hurried down the hallway back to where Kate was waiting.

"Hey," I said, hopping down on the bed with the bottle in my right hand. I pulled the top off and took a huge swing.

"What happened to the coffee?" asked Kate.

"A coffee-thieving bastard is running amok."

"Tobi's turned into Madara again?"

I nodded and had another long draught of vodka. "Yep. That's the stuff."

Kate shook her head. "So how are we going to destroy Konoha? Are we going to kill everyone from there – because that is going to take a while."

"Kill everyone? No. I'm going way beyond that. I'm going to wipe Konoha off the maps. No. Not just the maps. I'll wipe them out of history books. Out of every map that every existed. Soon Konoha will never even be a ghost of a ghost of a village. It will never have been. I will destroy them over and over and over again until people fear to even think the name Konoha. And the world will have forgotten Konoha itself."

Kate blinked. "That's a bit obsessive."

"I have all eternity. Obsession is allowed."

I reached for the bottle to take another sip and then paused. I stared at the alcohol and then, slowly, raised my head to meet Kate's gaze. "We should obliterate them. Destroy them to the point where destruction has no name. Tomorrow, we'll set out on a hunt – you and I. We'll find every last member of Konoha and destroy them. You can convert to Jashinism and–"

"Aw _hell_ no."

We both spun around as the bedroom door swung open, revealing Kate's blue boyfriend. He glared at me and then turned his adoring attention to Kate. He stared at her long and hard for a moment. Then, he turned around a walked right out of the room.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Kisame's going to dump me!" Kate wailed. "He's going to dump me because I'm being evil and he doesn't want to date an evil Jashinist girl! Kisame! I don't want to be a Jashinist! Kisame!" She burst into tears. Well, that was entirely unusual back then.

"Quit being a baby," I snapped. "Certain sacrifices must be made for the sake of revenge. And being a Jashinist is awesome – don't dis it."

Kisame stormed back into the room and – without so much as a glance in my direction – he picked up Kate, slung her over his shoulder, and left the room.

I remained sitting on the bed for a minute, my mouth hanging wide open. Then, I hopped of the bed and hurried after Kisame and Kate.

As it turned out, Kisame had called a meeting. For those of you who don't know, this made Akatsuki history. It was the first time that anyone besides Leader had ever called a meeting. A few instances have occurred since then, such as the time someone stole all of Deidara's explosive clay (Hidan had to clean toilets for a year after that) or the time all of Kakuzu's money disappeared (that was Sasori and I, but shush – no one knows that to this day) or the time Felix lost his stuffed monkey toy (oops, probably shouldn't have said that). Anyways, Kisame's call for a meeting was probably the single most serious meeting not-called-by-Leader that we have ever had.

"Attention! Attention!" Kisame tried to capture the Akatsuki's attention. He pounded his fists on the table top, while Kate sat beside him, looking small and scared. "Attention!"

"Why does Kisame get to sit behind the desk?" asked Leader waspishly. "I don't like these chairs. They're too uncomfortable."

"I called the meeting," snapped Kisame. "I get the squishy armchair."

"What's going on, uhn?"

"I was making coffee," muttered Kakuzu irritably.

I jumped up excitedly at that. "I want some coffee!"

"I made enough for everyone – who finished off the coffee in the first place?"

"Madara."

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"We can torture Tobi in revenge."

"Let's do it."

"Has anyone seen my latest sacrifice? He seems to have walked out of the bathtub."

"He's still alive!" shrieked Konan.

"Well, yeah," said Hidan. "The live ones are the best."

"_Do you all mind shutting up for a moment while I start this damned meeting. I was actually going to talk about something useful but apparently you are all too busy wallowing in your own petty misfortunes to care about the misfortunes of the greater Akatsuki._"

"Instead of the greater good, we have the greater Akatsuki?" I asked.

Kisame threw his shoe at my head.

"Okay, okay!" I cried, throwing my hands in front of my face to protect myself. "Start the damned meeting."

"Fine," said Kisame. He took a deep breath and begun. "As you all know, there has been a recent _incident_ that has caused us all great misfortune."

"He means Hannah's death," said Kakuzu loudly.

"Do you have to clarify every time?" wailed Kate.

"It's how he copes with grief," said Konan. "Maybe he's a masochist."

Kisame sighed. "As much as I love S and M talk – this is more important."

I gasped. "What? More important that S and M – blasphemy! It's all blasphemy, I tell you!"

"Yes! It is more important than S and M because I'm talking about bringing Hannah back from the dead!"

…

Deidara: WHAT?

Zetsu: Yes. No. Bad. Good! Don't do it. Let's do it!

Konan: What are you thinking!

Leader (laughing): This is even funnier than the joke that Hannah's dead…

Hidan: Fuck yeah, make her a Jashinist!

Tobi: Hannah-Nunu is going to be a zombie?

Sasori: Does death even exist to us anymore?

Itachi: Hn.

Kakuzu: But she's dead. You can't bring the dead back to life.

Kate burst into tears. What else is new?

"Are you serious?" I asked. "You really want to bring Hannah back from the dead? Can we even do that? I'm pretty sure there's some universal law where we're not allowed to do that."

"Screw universal laws, we're the Akatsuki, uhn," said Deidara.

"We can turn her into a Jashinist," said Hidan.

"That doesn't work," I said. "It's, um, already happened."

"She means Hannah is already dead." (No prizes for guessing who said that).

"I'm sure there's some voodoo magic thing that will bring her back," said Kisame.

"Study time?" I asked.

"But Tobi doesn't like studying."

"None of us do," I snapped. "But this is for Hannah's sake – study, Tobi, study for the dead!"

"No! No! Tobi doesn't want to!"

"What about mushrooms!" cried Deidara, jumping to his feet in excitement.

"What?"

"Magic mushrooms – they can use their magic powers to bring Hannah back, uhn."

"Deidara," said Kisame slowly. "Magic mushrooms are used for getting high."

"Oh." Deidara slowly lowered himself back into his seat. "Well maybe we'll get so high that we'll think Hannah's back from the dead, uhn."

"What about some kind of magic artifact?" asked Konan.

Kakuzu sighed and slapped his hand to his forehead. "This meeting is getting stupider by the second."

"This is what happens when you put someone besides me in charge," said Leader loudly. "The squishy armchair is mine for a reason!"

"Fine!" screamed Kisame. "You can have your stupid armchair!"

"Oh good." Leader hopped of from his seat and forcefully took the squishy armchair from Kisame. Kate traded places with Konan, even though they both looked as though they could careless.

"I'm in charge now, bitches," said Leader gleefully.

"Someone stop him," I groaned.

"What did you say, Dessie!"

I blinked. "Did I say something? I don't remember saying anything."

"Yes, you did, Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi. "Dessie-Nunu said someone should stop Leader. Tobi heard everything."

"Tobi!" I picked up Kisame's shoe off the floor and threw it at Tobi's head.

"That wasn't very nice, Dessie-Nunu."

"Shut the hell up, you overgrown lollipop!"

"Squisher."

"I said lollipop, but I can see where you get the two confused – they're both oddly colored."

"No, I mean – Squisher can help us."

Slowly, we all turned to stare at Itachi. He was sitting in his usual seat, looking extremely cool even with the ridiculous meeting going on around him.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"Squisher serves the great god Four, right? Well, Four is in debt to us for giving power of Seanova back to the monks. So, maybe, if we contact Four via Squisher, Four will bring Hannah back from the dead."

I blinked.

"That's not a half bad idea," said Leader.

"Well, it is Itachi," said Konan. "Since when does Itachi come up with bad ideas?"

"You'd be surprised," muttered Kisame. "Who was it who thought it would be a good idea to buy Sasuke a new set of parents for his birthday?"

"That was you," said Itachi.

"It was… Oh. My bad."

"You know," said Konan slowly. "The Squisher thing might work, but how would we get in contact with Squisher? He usually just shows up."

"Oh! I can do that!" cried Kisame. He stood up and walked out of the meeting room, closing the door tightly behind him.

We all remained in our seats, staring at the closed door as e heard all sorts of strange sounds coming from the hallway. A chainsaw, a car horn, a chicken squawk, a bugle, a monkey – where the hell were all these noises coming from!

Then, the noises stopped. We all stared at the door, waiting with caught breaths.

The door opened again and Kisame stepped inside, holding a small blue gnome by the scruff of the neck.

"Let me go – this is indecent!" cried Squisher.

"Quiet," snapped Kisame, shaking Squisher roughly. "We're doing serious stuff here."

"Um…" said Sasori slowly. "What did you do?"

"This?" Kisame lifted Squisher up to eye level. "It's a blue person thing."

* * *

**A/N: I love blue people. As some of you (less than I expected) pointed out, yes, Hannah was in the flash forward. Did you really expect her to stay dead? And, yes, I'm a troll on the last chapter. But so is Hannah. She was too lazy to narrate. I'm working on the chapter plan right now (not the chapters - the PLAN, people seem to get that confused). I have plotted up to chapter 78. Yay! Almost done... Hopefully...**

**REVIEW! OR I WILL SPOIL THE ENDING OF THE SERIES FOR YOU! **


	14. Kisame Unexpected

**Chapter Fourteen: Kisame Unexpected**

**Kate**

"You are a traitor to your kind!" wailed Squisher.

"I'm sorry," said Kisame. "But you're so much shorter than me… We're barely related."

"You betrayed the Bond of Blue People," said Squisher firmly.

"I said I'm sorry." Kisame put Squisher down on the desk. "But it is an emergency."

Squisher snorted. "How could it be an emergency?"

"Hannah's dead."

"Yeah," said Squisher slowly. "How could it be an emergency?"

Kisame prodded Squisher in the side, making the blue gnome squirm uncomfortably. "We happened to like Hannah. Her being dead is a problem."

"Well, sorry," said Squisher. "It's _your_ problem – not mine."

"We can make it your problem too, uhn," said Deidara, lifting up a piece of explosive clay threateningly.

"Didn't I beat you already?" asked Squisher. "Do we have to go through this again? I am the Almighty Squisher. Who are you again?"

Deidara scowled. "I'm ready for a rematch, uhn."

I could give you a detailed summary of how exactly Squisher defeated Deidara, but it's easier just to say: _Squisher pawned Deidara_. By the time the fight was over, Deidara was lying on the floor with a bloodied face while the little blue gnome stood on his back, looking particularly pleased.

"And now we all remember why we don't like Squisher," said Konan.

"We forgot?" asked Leader.

"No, I just thought I'd point it out."

"Of course," said Leader. "Whatever you say."

Squisher shot Konan and Leader a fierce glare. "I'll have you know that I am a highly liked god."

"Sure, but you serve Four."

"The Great God Four is mighty beyond your beyond my beliefs."

"Sure," said Leader. "And Tobi is mighty beliefs too."

The Akatsuki laughed, Tobi along with them.

"Well," said Squisher. "I'm not helping you. I like Hannah no better than I like any of you – why would I bring her back from the dead?"

"You're not going to bring her back from the dead," said Kisame. "Four is."

Squisher snorted. "Why would Four bring her back from the dead?"

"He owes us," said Kisame. "Dessie and Kate returned the power over Seanova to the Monks of Four – we did all that for your god. The least he can do is bring Hannah back to life."

"It's not like you had any other choice than relinquish power over Seanova,' said Squisher, crossing his arms. "How else would you get home?"

Dessie slammed her hand on the desk top. "_I gave up being an Evil Immortal Overlord for your god_."

Squisher stared at Dessie, long and hard, and then he said, "Like I give a shit."

Zetsu ate Squisher.

I'm not kidding. One moment Squisher was sitting on the desk top, enraging every single member of the Akatsuki, and the next, Zetsu opened his black and white mouth and swallowed Squisher whole. To this day, I don't know how Zetsu managed to eat Squisher without biting. Maybe it's some kind of special power.

"You just ate him…" said Sasori slowly.

"He really ate him…" said Hidan.

"That's so gross," I said.

"He tasted bad," said Zetsu, licking his lips.

"We kind of need him," said Kisame. "He was going to bring Hannah back for us."

"No he wasn't," said Zetsu. "He wasn't going to be any use to us, so we figured – why not eat him."

"I don't know whether to be disturbed or impressed," said Dessie.

"Disturbed," I told her. "Definitely disturbed."

"You should probably get him out," said Leader.

"Why?" Zetsu seemed confused.

"We still need him," said Leader.

"And it's rude to eat guests," added Konan.

"Why?" Zetsu still wasn't understanding Leader and Konan's train of logic.

"He might be poisonous," said Itachi flatly. "Who knows where blue things have been?"

"I take offense at that," said Kisame.

Itachi stared at Kisame and then said, "I'm your partner. I know _exactly_ where you have been. It makes me all the more suspicious of Squisher."

Kisame swallowed. "_Anyways_, how are we going to get Squisher out of Zetsu?"

"Do we want to get Squisher out of Zetsu, uhn?"

"We don't want to get Squisher out of Zetsu," said Zetsu.

"I have an idea!" cried Dessie. She walked over to Zetsu and crouched down near his stomach. As loud as she could, she shouted, "Squisher! Can! You! Hear! Me?"

There was a paused, and then a muffled sound came from inside of Zetsu. "Yeemppph."

"That was a yes," said Dessie for clarification.

"How is he doing that?" asked Kisame.

"He's immortal," said Dessie. "How can a simple stomach stop him?" She turned back to Zetsu stomach and shouted, "We! Can! Get! You! Out! Of! Zetsu! But! You! Must! Promise! To! Cooperate! With! Us!"

"Fummmph yoummmph."

"Or! We! Can! Just! Leave! You! In! There! I! Wonder! How! Long! You! Will! Take! To! Digest!"

"Fiiiinppphhhme."

Dessie grinned. "He agreed."

"And how do you know he will keep his word?" asked Leader suspiciously.

"We can always have Zetsu eat him again."

The Akatsuki considered it for a second and then voiced their consent.

"But how are we going to get Zetsu to throw up?" asked Kisame.

"We could just cut him open," said Hidan, fingering his scythe.

"That's probably not a good idea," said Konan. "Maybe we could try the Heimlich Maneuver…"

"I'll do it!" said Kisame. He hurried behind Zetsu and then stopped. He stood there for a second with a puzzled expression on his face. Finally, he peeped around Zetsu's flytrap and said, "I'm not sure how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a plant…"

Insert group facepalm here.

"So," said Leader loudly. "Next idea."

"We could make him watch some of Kisame's porn videos," said Dessie. "That will make anyone puke."

"Kisame has porn videos?" I asked.

"No!" cried Kisame quickly. "No! Where did Dessie hear such things? Lies! They're all lies!"

"Yeah," said Dessie. "So the _special_ tapes you lent Hidan were just movies? I don't think so."

"You should try Deidara's _special_ tapes!" cried Kisame. "They're way worse than mine!"

"So you do have porn tapes," I said flatly.

"What? No!" Kisame seemed panicked for a minute. "You're ticking me!"

Dessie snickered demonically, while I comforted Kisame (and, no, I will not tell you _how_ I comforted him. That's personal. Except for the people in the meeting room.) Anyways, Dessie turned to Deidara and forced him to go get one of his porn videos. We sat Zetsu down in a dark room and made him watch the most disturbing of Deidara's videos.

"This one is great," said Dessie. "Doesn't it have the cow in it?"

"Why is a cow in a porn video?" I asked nervously.

"Well, they do this cool thing with the cow and its udders…" began Dessie.

This entire conversation ought to be omitted from my memory. Basically Dessie and Deidara have a long conversation about the video, where they discuss different farm animals used in different scenes. Kisame listened intently and asked eagerly if he could borrow the video (he changed his mind after seeing my outraged expression). I think Konan might have had to make a bathroom trip after _hearing_ Dessie and Deidara discuss the video. Finally, Zetsu finished watching and he returned to the meeting room, looking rather put off.

"Did you throw up?" asked Deidara eagerly.

"That disturbed us beyond words,, left us mentally scarred, and will give us nightmares for the rest of our life," said Zetsu. "But we did not throw up."

"Damn," said Dessie. "Maybe if he watched the one with the aliens…"

"That was a good one, uhn."

"You know what," said Konan loudly as she returned from the bathroom. "Why don't we try something else."

"No porn?" asked Dessie, almost disappointedly.

"Why don't we just make him eat a salad," said Sasori.

Pause.

"Why didn't I think of that," said Kisame. "That's genius!"

Zetsu looked panicked. "We don't need to go that far. We don't need to. No, we don't."

"That sounds great," said Konan. "Kate – you want to go make a salad?"

Cheerfully, I bounded to the kitchen and put together a quick salad, with lots of lettuce, cucumber, broccoli, and tomatoes. Then, I returned to the meeting room where they had tied Zetsu to a chair and pried his mouth open with a chunk of wood so he had to eat.

"Ready?" asked Hidan eagerly.

"Yeah," I said, eyeing Zetsu nervously. "Are you sure this will work?"

"What will work?" asked Hidan. He paused. "Oh right. Who cares? This is entertaining."

I think Zetsu tried to let out a stream of curse words at Hidan, but since the wood was stuck between his teeth, the words came out as a jumbled: fughoguthyogthwhorthzombuph.

Hidan gleefully stuffed a forkful of salad into Zetsu's mouth. We all stood back and waited.

Have you ever seen a half-back, half-white man inside a Venus flytrap throw up? I have. It is not a pretty sight. Piece of advice, Zetsu does not like to eat salads. He threw up the lettuce, the cucumber, the broccoli, the tomatoes, the thigh he had for dinner last night, the toes he had for breakfast, and Squisher right then and there. It was disgusting. Zetsu sat in the chair, coughing and choking and gagging, unable to believe what had just passed through his lips.

"Who the hell eats toes!" screamed Squisher, trying to brush as much of the blood and slimy off of himself as possible.

"You look, um, lovely," I said awkwardly.

"Bring us to Four," said Kisame.

Squisher's eyes narrowed. "No."

"You promised, uhn," said Deidara. "Dessie heard you."

"I lied," said Squisher. "There's no way in hell that I would help the people who _ate_ me."

"That was just Zetsu," said Dessie.

"Zetsu can eat Squisher again," said Sasori.

"What?" cried Squisher as Zetsu crept closer, his white teeth flashing menacingly.

"Wait."

We all turned to see who had spoken. Kakuzu had been silent up until then, but now he was regarding Squisher with a rather twisted expression on his face.

"Little blue gnome," said Kakuzu. "You don't know who you are dealing with."

Squisher snorted. "The Akatsuki – what do you mean to me?"

"That's not what I'm talking about," continued Kakuzu, sounding rather irritated. "I'm talking about Hannah. You think – oh, she's dead, she's nothing to fear. But that girl – that girl is a bitch. She is the Sadistic Queen – you think something as measly as _death_ will stop her? You have a whole other thing coming. She will look death in the face, laugh, and blackmail herself back to life if need be. She will never _stay dead_. She will video tape you and your precious Four until you learn to fear her and her blackmail from hell. She will _force_ you to return her back to life while destroying the entire hierarchy of the gods. You see her and think that she is nothing, but that is because you don't know our Sadistic Queen – she will fuck you over before you even know what fucking means."

Squisher stared.

And stared.

He swallowed.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to let you see Four."

Squisher started moving his hands in some weird series of symbols. A glowing purple orb appeared between his hands and rippled through the room, casting a luminous violet light on the walls of the meeting room and across everyone's faces.

"Hop in," said Squisher.

"Not again," groaned Kisame.

"I don't want to go," said Hidan.

"Do it for your love of Hannah," said Kisame.

"I don't love her that much…"

Kisame kicked Hidan in the back and Hidan fell into the orb. There was a flash of purple light and Hidan had disappeared.

"You next," said Kisame, turning to Deidara and Zetsu with a demonic grin.

Deidara inched nervously towards the orb and stepped inside with Zetsu following close behind. Two flashes of light and they were both gone.

"Who's next?" asked Kisame. He caught Kakuzu's eyes and pointed fiercely towards the orb. Kakuzu sighed and followed Kisame's pointer finger, stepping into the purple orb and disappearing with the blink of an eye.

"I'm impressed," Dessie told me.

Kisame pushed Sasori into the orb, despite Sasori's half-hearted protests.

"How so?" I asked.

Leader stepped into the orb as dignified as he could be despite his obvious fear of the glowing orb (we have a bad history with them).

"Kisame's surprisingly awesome," said Dessie.

I blinked. "Really?'

Konan dutifully followed Leader.

"While we were all lying around like useless bitches, he actually came up with a solution."

Tobi did a cannonball into the orb.

"He did…" I said slowly.

"And he did it for you," said Dessie. "He probably couldn't get as much sex when you were depressed. Men only think with their dicks after all" She grinned and then followed Itachi into the orb.

I stood there, rooted to the spot as I stood in a room with Kisame and Squisher. Kisame looked over his shoulder and grinned at me, showing me every single one of his pointy-shark teeth.

"Come on," he said, holding out his hand to me. "We need to go raise the dead."

I took his big blue hand and the world disappeared in a flash of purple.

Here we go again.

* * *

**A/N: I have a couple that I want to write because I think they'd be perfect together - but apparently everyone is oblivious to it. *sigh* You'll fall in love with it eventually! I promise! (props to the person who figures out the couple first). **

**I will tell you a story of an author who so loved reviews that she threatened and bribed and pleaded and begged for them, but people - also known as readers - were reluctant to give them. The author hogged her chapters, because she was so desperate to get her reviews - she was even willing to become a whore and change her name for them. However, even then, people were reluctant to give reviews. She knew they were holding back on her, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get everyone to review. So now, she has given in and said, "Let's just post the damn chapter and hope people will eventually all review because they love me so much!"**


	15. That Awkward Moment

**Chapter Fifteen: That Awkward Moment**

**Hannah**

You know that feeling when you're floating on a cloud? Like all the world has fallen away and you're just drifting from here to there without a care in the world? You know it? Yeah? It's over rated.

Honestly, I opened my eyes to a dream world, where I was drifting in the sky with the clouds, and all that was going through my head was – oh shit, I'm gonna fall. No joke. That floating feeling as scary as hell. For your sake, I hope you will never have to experience it.

I don't remember much of what happened between my death and the underworld. There was a floating feeling… I was drifting. Drifting. Drifting. And panicking. I was going to fall. I knew it. I was going to plummet to my second death and I would never even get a chance to meet my old dead uncle who scammed banks out of half a million dollars (he is a hero to the rest of us). I didn't want to fall. I didn't want to die… again. The weird thing was, even though I was dead, I knew I was dead. If that makes sense… You always think of people not knowing they're dead and wandering the world trying to solve their problems. That's complete bullshit. If you're dead, you know it. It's a completely different feeling.

Anyways, I'm under contract not to divulge any more information. What I will tell you from here on out will be limited (contracts are bitches like that). But it goes something like this –

I was floating, floating, floating – and then I fell. I actually fell. Down, down, down. My hair blowing rapidly around my face and the wind whistling through my hair. I fell. I would have screamed on the way down, but I forgot how. So I plummeted towards wherever I was going with my mouth open in the perfect silent scream.

And then I landed.

I landed in a bar.

In a booth, to be exact. I was sitting along in the booth of a classic bar with a bottle of sake in front of me.

I blinked. Once, twice, three times. Was I in heaven or hell? I was pretty sure heaven wouldn't have a bar, but I was also sure hell wouldn't be nice enough to let me drink. Confusing much?

"Oh look, there's a new arrival!"

I glanced up to see a red-haired woman standing at the end of the booth, grinning wickedly.

"Um, hi," I said awkwardly.

"Hello,' she said, her gray-blue eyes sparking with mischief. "Welcome to the Underworld!"

"Right…"

"I'm serious."

"Right…"

The woman squinted at me suspiciously and then laughed. She plopped down in the seat opposite me and placed her elbows on her table, leaning forward to rest her head on the palms of her hands. She inspected me carefully and then announced, "You're pretty."

"Right…"

"No, really, you are." She tutted. "It's a shame you died so young."

"Twenty-two."

She shook her head. "Such a shame."

"So," I said slowly. "Do people usually wake up in a bar?"

She laughed. "No. They wake up wherever they are most comfortable – which for you is, apparently, a bar."

I snorted. "Well, I did spend a lot of time in bars…"

"Barmaid?"

"My friends like to drink. A lot."

"And you?"

"I have my fair share of drunken stories. Mostly I video tape them and use the tapes for blackmail."

The woman laughed, her long, red hair dancing behind her. "That's the best way to have fun at a bar."

I blinked. "Who are you?"

The woman tilted her head to the side and grinned. "Uzumaki Kushina. You?"

"Hannah."

"Pretty name."

"My parents thought so."

"Hey, Kushina – are you chatting up a new arrival?"

A blond man with extremely spiky hair slid into the seat next to Kushina, two bottles of sake in his hands – one for him and one for Kushina. She accepted the sake gladly before turning back to Hannah, a huge grin splashed across her face.

"This is my husband," she said. "Minato."

"You found your husband?" I asked,

"We died together," said Minato cheerfully. "To save our son."

"That's, um, sweet." Inwardly I was thinking that's the stupidest way to save your child. You should just threaten/torture the threat into submission, and if that doesn't work just set or pet/lackey/boyfriend on the threat. Apparently Minato and Kushina hadn't thought of those solutions.

"We left our son all alone, though," said Kushina sadly.

"We got to meet him recently though," said Minato. "He's grown into a strong young man."

Kushina nodded appreciatively. Then, she turned to me and asked the fateful question: "So, Hannah, how did you die?"

I took a long draught of sake before answering. "I was obliterated from existence by the Nine Tailed Fox."

Kushina and Minato exchanged frantic glances.

"What?" I asked, taking another long sip of sake.

"The Nine-Tails jinchuriki is our son," said Kushina. "Naruto."

I swear I choked on the sake. Have you ever seen a dead person suffocate? I haven't either – but at that moment, I could have sworn it was possible. When I finally resurfaced after coughing on alcohol, I stared at Minato and Kushina, unable to believe what I had just heard. Oh, that awkward moment when you realize you have just met the parents of the person who killed you.

"So…" I said slowly. "Your son is a nice young man."

"Well, yeah," said Minato. "He does have a demon fox sealed within him that sometimes goes crazy – you shouldn't hate Naruto for it though…"

"Oh no," I said. "No grudges. At all. Just, um, how did he get the demon foxed sealed within him?"

"Um… We sealed it before we died."

That awkward moment when you realize you're talking to the people who created the person-monster mix that killed you.

"Right…"

"Yeah."

I took another _long_ swing of sake. "So how are you enjoying the Underworld?"

"Oh, it's good," said Minato. 'I've made some friends."

"Met up with some old relatives," added Kushina. "My great-great-great-grandma is really nice. But my great-great-uncle-twice-removed is an asshole."

"That tends to happen," I said.

"So," said Kushina. "Anyone you want to meet in the Underworld? Crazy relatives? Shocking deaths?"

"Um… An uncle who was on the run from the law."

"Sounds fun," said Kushina. "We should go meet him. Befriending criminals is always fun!"

"Kushina," said Minato wearily.

"Right," said Kushina. "Minato doesn't like me befriending dodgy criminals – I don't know why he's so worried – I'm already dead."

"Of course," I said. "Those, um, dead criminals are hardcore. And scary. Very scary."

"Are you okay?" asked Kushina.

"She's probably shaken up from being newly dead," said Minato. "Though you're not that new. It's been a week since your death. A week exactly."

"A week?"

"Everyone spends a week in limbo before they reach the Underworld."

"Right… That floaty feeling."

"You were floating?" asked Kushina eagerly. "I was running and Minato was swimming. I've always loved running and Minato is a secret fish."

"I hated floating."

"Oh…" Kushina thought about it for a second. "You probably secretly liked it."

I was too lazy to correct her.

"You'll like the Underworld," said Minato. "There are lots of fun things to do – you will never get tired of it. After all, we have to be entertained for all eternity."

"The amusement park is the best," said Kushina. "Especially since they can take all the broken down and dangerous rollercoasters and use those – it doesn't matter if they break down on us, we're already dead!"

"Right…"

"Are you not an amusement park kind of girl?" asked Kushina. "Sorry. Oh, and you don't need to get a job. Everything here is free. The people who work here only work to pass the time."

"Oh."

"So basically, it's like one giant city surrounded by the suburbs with a countryside and a mountain range and an ocean – everything you could ever want all within your reach." Kushina grinned. "Death isn't too bad."

"Mm…"

"Kushina," said Minato with a wry smile. "Let poor Hannah speak."

"What?" I blinked. "I'm pretty good."

"That's true," said Minato. "Most people are accepting of their deaths. Their times come when their time comes – and the Underworld isn't so bad."

"I'm just glad our son has grown into such a fine young man." Kushina paused and glanced at me. "Except the part where he has the Nine Tailed Fox sealed inside him. That part's not so good."

That awkward moment when people compliment your murderer in front of you.

"So…" I said, trailing off with knowing what to say next. "What do you do for recreation? Do you have any jobs?"

"We're ninja!" said Kushina excitedly.

"Right."

"We run a ramen stall," said Minato. "When we were alive, we used to be ninja, but in the Underworld there isn't much need for violence – the god of the Underworld has seen to that." Minato considered this for a second. "He is a wise man, respected by all the dead."

"You're missing the question!" cried Kushina.

"Oops." Minato grinned shyly. "We can't act as ninjas, so we tend to do extreme sports to get the same adrenaline rush that came from being ninjas. Of course, it's not the same since we _know_ we can't die."

"But it's still awesome fun!" cried Kushina.

"Right…"

Kushina frowned. "You don't say much, do you?"

"I'm just, um, taking it all in." I glanced around nervously. "I'm new to being dead."

"We should go sky diving some time!" cried Kushina. "All three of us – and your criminal uncle if you want!"

"Maybe…"

There was a small pop and a scrawny, bearded man appeared at the table next to our booth. He picked up the bottle of gin in front of him and drowned half the bottle in one go.

"Um…"

"You'll get used to the new arrivals eventually," said Minato. "You have all eternity, after all."

I snorted. "All eternity? I think not."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't want to stay dead any longer than I have to. I'm sure this place is great, but I'll have all eternity to enjoy it after I die of old age. I still have things to do."

Minato and Kushina stared at me in bemusement.

"I don't think you know what you're talking about," said Minato. "People generally don't rise from the dead. The gods won't just let you come back to life."

I grinned. "That's because they don't know _me_. I am Hannah O'Reilly of the Akatsuki – I don't take death lying down."

Minato and Kushina exchanged glances. Then, Kushina leaned forward and said in a sort of hushed voice, "_You're_ with the Akatsuki – aren't they hell bent on destroying the world and killing my son?"

My smile faded. "Um, yeah."

That awkward moment when people realize you died trying to kill their son.

* * *

**A/N: REVIEW OR I WILL GO BACK TO TROLLING!**


	16. Who's That Porcupine?

**Chapter Sixteen: Who's That Porcupine?**

**Dessie**

Alright. Image the most perfect scenery. Now imagine it ten times better. That would summarize the home of the gods.

We woke up on a white platform surrounded by four arches. I'm not sure who woke up first – it might have been me or Konan or Tobi or Sasori – it's hard to tell. But I know that the exact same first thought ran through all our minds: _Wow. _

Their home was in a sort of valley, with mint-green trees and rushing rivers. Their houses were all huge, like mansions, and pretty little animals skipped about merrily with no fear of the gods. Everything seemed so peaceful and pestilence and perfect. It was disgusting. Gods should be feared, not living in harmony with animals! They should live in castles with dungeons for traitorous humans! They should have flying monkeys and demon horses – not fucking fawns! Do these people know nothing about how to rule!

Anyways, I'm getting off track. When we first arrived the gods' homeland, we didn't actually know we were there. We just opened out eyes and – there it was – the valley.

"Where are we?" asked Konan.

"I don't know," said Sasori.

"Is this hell, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Hidan slammed the bottom of his scythe against the platform. "That damned Squisher tricked us! We wanted to meet Four! Not go to this hellhole!"

"Um, I don't think this is hell," said Kate.

"Then where are we?"

"_What is going on here_!"

"Shut up, Madara," I snapped. "We don't want to listen to your fucking whining." I flipped the orange-masked figure to my right off, before turning back to the rest of the Akatsuki. "I don't think this is heaven."

"Tobi is a good boy – why does Dessie-Nunu be mean to him."

"Tobi! Madara!" I cried. "Make up your mind."

"I'm over here."

I turned to my left. "Shut up, Tobi or Madara – whoever you are."

"Tobi is here."

I turned to my right. "I said, _shut up_."

Right about then, it registered (I was slow on the uptake). I looked to my right. There was Tobi in his orange mask and black clothes. I turned to my left. There was a man in regular black pants with a red t-shirt. His long black hair stuck out in all directions and his blood-red eyes stared at me darkly.

I blinked. "Who is the porcupine?"

"_I'm Madara_."

"No…" I said slowly. "Madara is trapped inside Tobi. You're a porcupine."

"No," he said. "I'm Madara."

"Nope. That coffee-thieving bastard lives inside Tobi. Tobi summoned him for revenge and Madara ended up sharing a body with Tobi. Madara doesn't have a body of his own anymore. Besides, Madara is dead."

"No. I'm right here."

"Nope. Nope. Nope." I turned to Sasori. "Why does the porcupine lie?"

Sasori blinked. "I think the porcupine is telling the truth."

"I'm not a porcupine," said the supposed Madara loudly.

"Shut up, Porcupine."

"So why does Madara have a body?" asked Konan.

"We haven't confirmed that he's actually Madara," I said, glancing at the supposed Madara suspiciously.

The supposed Madara sighed in exasperation and turned to Kate. "In the Temple of Four we took a trip through the gardens and some creepy monk showed you a bowl filled with glowing blue liquid where you saw the future war between the Okensai and the Kikensai. Then you ran away crying."

Kate gasped. "_Madara_?"

"I told you," said Sasori.

"That still doesn't explain why Madara has a body now," said Konan.

"Great," said Leader. "The Akatsuki number is growing, soon we won't be able to keep track of any of us."

"Why does Madara look like a porcupine?" I asked.

"You could have left out the part about me crying," Kate told Madara. "I would have believed you without that!"

Madara grinned. "It's not like anyone is surprised."

"It must suck," I said. "To be reincarnated as a porcupine."

"Tobi misses his Madara," said Tobi loudly. "Tobi enjoyed having a friend in his head."

"I didn't enjoy being in your head," said Madara flatly. "You think about cute and cuddly things far too much."

"But Tobi likes cute and cuddly things."

"What's it like being a porcupine?"

"It must be great to have your own body again," said Kisame, thumping Madara on the back. "If you ever need any love advice, the Love Guru is here to help."

"I don't need love advice from an overgrown piranha," said Madara, scooting away from Kisame.

"Can I keep the porcupine as a pet?" I asked.

Madara turned to glare at me. "No, Dessie," he snapped. "You cannot keep me as a pet. If you do, I will drink all your coffee for the rest of your life."

I cringed. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Try calling me porcupine one more time."

At this point, we stopped using words and simply glared each other to death. It was as though we were trying to blow holes in each other's foreheads by simply staring. No matter what anyone says – I would have won. Unfortunately, we never got to find out who succeeded in mentally murdering the other since our competition was interrupted by the appearance of a hot, young man with lime green hair.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Hidan.

"Lime-Hottie!" I cried. I broke off my game with Madara and attempted to hug-tackle the stranger. I say 'attempted' because he stepped out of the way at the last second and I went crashing to the ground.

"I won," said Madara.

"Shut up, Porcupine."

Madara snorted. "Say good bye to coffee."

"Asshole!"

"Who are you?" asked Leader, stepping forward to meet the stranger.

The stranger smiled (a crooked and hot smile, I might add). "I am Hada, the god of entrances."

"You didn't have a very good entrance, uhn," said Deidara. "It needs more bang."

"And flare," said Kisame. "Maybe some fireworks and streamers."

"Fireworks are good, uhn."

"Confetti," added Hidan. "And a little sacrifice on the side. No entrance is good without a bloody sacrifice."

"You can have your sacrifices at your own entrance," said Kisame. "But I'll take the confetti."

"Do you ever shut up?" asked Hada in exasperation.

Hidan looked at Deidara. Deidara looked at Kisame. Kisame looked at Hidan. Hidan looked at Kisame. Kisame looked at Deidara. Deidara looked at Hidan. They laughed.

"That would be a no," said Kakuzu.

"Right," said Hada slowly. "Anyways, I am here to welcome you on your entrance to the Dale!"

"The Dale?" repeated Sasori.

"It's the name given to the home of the gods!" Hada waved his arms dramatically.

"Hn."

"Itachi says that's stupid," translated Kisame.

Hada glared at Itachi and Kisame. "Oh, go name your own world."

"We did," said Kisame.

"We named it the Fence," I added.

Hada snorted and grinned at us smugly. "_The Fence_? You named your world _the Fence_?"

"Yeah," I said. "Your point?"

"And you made fun of us for the Dale. The Fence is just plain stupid."

"No it isn't," I said.

Hada stopped laughing and stood there; scrutinizing me to make sure I wasn't making fun of him. "The Fence is the stupidest name for a world I have ever heard – and trust me, I've heard some stupid ones."

"I have one," said Hidan. "The Dale."

I grinned. "Nice."

"I don't know," said Kakuzu. "Hada is a pretty stupid name too."

"Oh," said Kisame. "That might top the Dale for the stupidest name ever."

Kakuzu nodded. "It sounds like something someone threw together in a split second decision to name a minor character in a story who will only stay around for two chapters."

"Hey!" cried Hada. "Two chapters are very important!"

"I feel like I could make so much fun of that," said Kisame. "But I don't know where to begin."

"Too many mocking opportunities," I cried. "System cannot compute."

"Hey," said Kate. "You should be nice…"

We all turned to stare at Kate.

She smiled weakly. "Those two chapters could be _very_ important."

Yep. So we spent out first fifteen minutes in the Dale 1) Figuring out why Madara looked like a porcupine and 2) Making fun of Hada. They were some of my favorite minutes in the Dale. That doesn't say a lot for the land of the gods.

Finally, after the laughter had died down, Hada called our attention.

"Now that we've gotten the laughter out of the way," he announced. "Let's get down to the serious business."

"Give us Hannah back," said Zetsu.

"We like her around, uhn."

"She owes me money," said Kakuzu.

I snickered. "And that's the only reason to ever bring someone back from the dead."

"Dessie!" wailed Kate. "We want Hannah back too."

"Well," I said. "Yeah – but you have to admit – Kakuzu has a pretty awesome reason for wanted Hannah back."

"Dessie!"

"Fine, fine." I sighed. I turned to Hada and said in the blandest voice possible, "Give us Hannah back. We like Hannah. We not happy without Hannah. Bring Hannah back from dead. We be happy."

Hada smiled. "We'll bring Hannah back."

"If you don't bring her back," cried Kate. "She'll blackmail you all into sub– wait, what?"

Hada rolled his eyes. "I said – we'll bring Hannah back to life."

Konan blinked. "You will?"

"Yes."

"Great!"

"Wait!" said Leader.

We all turned to stare at him, wondering what could have caught his attention.

"Wait," repeated Leader. "There's always a catch. Remember the criminals number one law."

"We have a law?" I asked.

Kisame grinned. "Leader made it up."

"I didn't make it up!" snapped Leader. "It was a code created centuries before any of us – even Hidan – were born. We must follow by its every law or suffer the consequences."

"How come this has never been mentioned before now?" I asked.

"Because Leader only read it last month," said Konan.

"Konan!" cried Leader. "You're not supposed to tell them that!"

"Sorry."

With a sigh, Leader turned back to the rest of us. "The first law is that there is nothing in this world for free. Which means – the gods want something from us if we are to get Hannah back."

Hada laughed and threw his hands up into the air in surrender. "You caught me."

"You son-of-a-bitch!" I cried.

"Yeah, yeah," said Hada, waving my comment away. "Basically, in order to bring Hannah back, the Akatsuki must survive a series of trials. Once you have completed all the trials, we'll let you bring Hannah back to life."

"Why?" asked Konan.

"What?"

"Why do we have to do these trials?" she asked. "What's the point?"

Hada smiled. It wasn't a pleasant smile. It distorted his hot looks. There is no smile worse than one that ruins a Hottie. I was severely disappointed.

"Us gods," said Hada. "We're immortal. We don't have anything better to do. So we like to make little humans run around and do entertaining tasks for us. It's really quite fun."

We stared.

"Someone kill him," said Leader.

"Can I?" asked Hidan.

"I'm killing him," said Sasori. "I have a new poison I want to try out on immortals."

"But we want to eat him," said Zetsu. "We want to know what god-meat tastes like."

"If you kill me," said Hada. "You won't get your precious Hannah back."

Leader paused to consider this. "I like Hannah. But not enough to do a bunch of stupid tasks to bring her back to life. We're leaving."

"What!" cried Kate. "But Hannah."

Leader scowled. "Not. Worth. It."

"How many tasks would we have to go through?" asked Konan.

Hada smiled. "As many as we feel like."

"But… that could last forever."

"Your point?"

Leader snorted. "Definitely not worth it. We're going back."

"You can't leave," said Hada. "You're already here. And if you don't complete all your tasks, we'll kill you and we won't even let you go to the Underworld. You'll just disappear from existence."

We glared at Hada, our hatred for him multiplying more and more rapidly by the second.

"I can't die yet," I said. "I still have to achieve my goal of being an Evil Immortal Overlord."

"That generally involves not dying at all," said Madara.

"Oh right."

"That's okay thought," said Madara. "You can rule the world briefly, then I'll take over it after I kill you."

"Bring it on," I said.

Leader snorted. "You're both pathetic. I will rule the world – I'm the leader of this damned criminal organization."

"There won't be criminal organization if we don't do these tasks," said Sasori.

Leader sighed. He turned back to Hada. "Fine. Give us these stupid tasks."

Hada smiled demonically. "The first task… is a ten question test."

"Well, damn," I said. "I'm not going to last long."

* * *

**A/N: I haven't been writing since I've been sick. All my updates have been stuff I pre-wrote on vacation. so, I'll probs go to a coffee shop tomorrow and write myself to death. haha**

**REVIEW OR YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE A TEN QUESTION TEST OF THE GODS TOO!**


	17. Put On Your Thinking Caps

**Chapter Seventeen: Put On Your Thinking Caps**

**Kate**

"A ten question test?" cried Hidan. "Why the fuck do we have to take a ten question test!"

"Because I said so," said Hada simply.

"That's a terrible reason," said Madara.

"But we have Itachi," I said. "And he's read just about every book in the universe."

"Except the one I got him for Christmas," said Dessie cheerfully.

"I have now," muttered Itachi.

"I have a question," said Konan loudly. We all turned to stare at her and she continued. "Why is he here?" She pointed a finger roughly at Madara.

"He's always been here," said Hada.

"Inside of Tobi," said Madara.

"And if that doesn't sound kinky," muttered Dessie. Madara flipped her off.

Hada smiled. "To make things more interesting, Vinde gave Madara a body. It's a momentarily immortal body – that Vinde can give and take as he likes. We're lending it to Madara for the time being." Hada snickered. "Because we gods just adore love triangles." He paused. "Or love pentagons. Whichever you prefer to think of it."

"What is he talking about?" asked Dessie.

"I don't know," said Kisame with a villainous Love Guru smile. "But it sounds juicy."

"You're going to end up in the middle of the love triangle-pentagon, uhn," muttered Deidara. "Just because you said that."

"What are you talking about?" asked Kisame, wrapping an arm around my waist. "Kate and I are in a perfectly healthy relationship. Over two years – which is longer than any of you pathetic people."

I smiled shyly and gave Kisame a quick hug back.

"I'm more curious about this ten question test than Kisame and Kate's love lives," said Sasori.

"We can forget about the ten question test," said Dessie.

"Do you hate tests that much, uhn?" Deidara grinned.

"It's not that I hate them," said Dessie. "It's more that they hate me."

I giggled. "Or rather the teachers hate you."

Dessie nodded. "I had an English teacher who gave me a zero because I wrote "You didn't teach us any of this shit" at the bottom of a pop quiz. My biology teacher failed me on a lab-test because I chased the class vegan around the room with a decapitated piglet, telling her to eat him. And my American History teacher failed me because I threw pencils at his head after I finished my test. I actually got a C on that test too! But _no_ he had to give a fucking _zero_."

"Remind me how you got into college again," I said, with a sigh.

"Money."

"Right."

"Still wondering about this test," said Sasori loudly.

Dessie groaned. "They're going to ask us all sorts of impossible questions and I'm going to _fail_."

"Don't worry," I said, patting her on the shoulder. "Itachi will save us."

Dessie looked up at Itachi hopefully, a new light dancing in her eyes. "You will, Original Hottie? You will."

"Hn." Itachi shifted uncomfortably.

Dessie spun around to Kisame. "I don't understand the translation? What is it? What is it? Yes? No? Of course, my sweet, beautiful, and powerful Dessie?"

"I think that was just a 'hn',' said Kisame.

Dessie looked devastated.

"It's not that kind of test," said Hada.

Leader frowned. "What do you mean?"

Hada smiled, in what I think was supposed to be a mysterious way.

"What do you mean, Lime-Hottie?" cried Dessie. "It isn't a hard-ass test to which none of us know the answers too and will make my brain hurt?"

Hada laughed. "You'll see."

"Can we just get started already?" asked Kakuzu.

"He just wants to see Hannah sooner," Dessie said cheerfully.

Kakuzu ignored her and waited for Hada to respond. It took longer than it ought to. Hada stood there, a soft chuckle forming in his throat as he watched us. Finally, Hada put one had on his hip, ran his longer white fingers through his lime-green hair, and said, "The rules of this test are simple. I will ask you a question. You can all answer, you get as many guesses as you would like until you get the answer right. However, the people involved with the answer cannot talk."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "The people involved?"

Hada smiled. "Question One."

"Here we go," groaned Dessie.

"How many piercings does Leader have?"

Freeze.

Everyone in the Akatsuki stared at Hada. Then, slowly, we all turned to Leader. He looked sort of like a deer in headlights. Now, I don't know about you, but, personally, a man with freaking rings in his eyes staring into headlights is a rather, um, odd sight.

"How many do you have, Leader?" asked Deidara.

Leader blinked. His eyes narrowed and he glared at Hada. He opened his mouth – undoubtedly to scold the heck out of Hada – but nothing came out. Leader stood there, mouthing the words blankly.

"He can't talk," said Hada. "He _obviously _knows the answer."

"We can only hope," muttered Sasori.

Dessie snickered. "He got some while we were out partying, undoubtedly."

Leader mouthed some unseemly words.

"We kind of have to answer the question," I said.

"Do we guess?" asked Deidara.

"One hundred," announced Hidan.

"Can he even fit that on his body?" asked Kisame. "I'd say more like eighty."

"That's still terrible!" I cried. "It's probably in the thirties…"

"I'd laugh if the number was actually three," said Dessie.

Hidan snorted. "Even in a non-trivia test, you still suck, Dessie. There's more than three piercings just on his nose."

"The rest could be clip on!" cried Dessie.

"Why don't we just ask Konan?" I asked.

The Akatsuki slowly turned to the purple haired woman. Her eyes narrowed and she glanced nervously at Leader. He shook his head fervently. Konan sighed and turned back to the rest of us. "He has twenty-four."

Hada laughed. "Correct."

"What!" cried Hidan.

"That's less than I expected, uhn," said Deidara.

Kisame turned to Leader and shook his head. "Disappointing."

Leader opened his mouth and snarled. "If you ever mention this event again – any of you – I will tear open your throats with my teeth and watch you bleed to death on the floor in front of me, while I make like Zetsu and resort to cannibalism on your dying limbs."

"Hey, look," said Deidara. "Leader can talk again."

"On to question two," said Hada, still laughing merrily.

"I'll get revenge for this, Konan," muttered Leader. Konan shifted from side to side guiltily.

Hada ignored their bickering and asked, "How many porn magazines does Deidara have under his bed?"

Silence.

"Well that could be any number," said Dessie. "We'll be guessing for eternity!" She clamped her hands over her ears and wailed. "My brain hurts! My brain hurts! Someone make it stop!" She kicked Hada in the shin. "Lime-Hottie! You're evil! Evil!"

"She _really_ doesn't like tests," said Zetsu.

"It's even funnier when you're in a classroom," I said, giggling.

"So how many porn magazines does Deidara have under the bed?" wondered Kisame.

"Hundreds and hundreds probably," said Hidan.

"Thirty-two."

"Correct!" Hada clapped his hands. "You're cruising right through this."

Slowly, we all turned to see who had answered the question. Tobi stood there, rubbing the back of his head.

"How do you know that, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Tobi wanted to know what kind of books his senpai was reading."

Madara shuddered. "I hate it when he does those things."

Kisame grinned and 'patted' Madara on the back. "You know you secretly enjoyed it."

"Question Three!" cried Hada.

"Here we go," groaned Hidan.

"You haven't been in any of them," said Kakuzu. "What do you have to complain about?'

Hada cackled. "What is Zetsu's favorite kind of milkshake?"

I blinked. "Um, human kind?"

"Wrong."

I blinked again. "Really? Do you want me to be more specific? Foot milkshake? Eyeball milkshake?" I shuddered. "Tongue milkshake?"

Hada sighed. "It's not human related."

"Really?"

"Blasphemy!" cried Hidan. "Next you'll be saying Kisame only eats shark shakes!"

"I resent that," muttered Kisame.

"It hurts!" cried Dessie. "We can't answer this! Give in! Give in! Maybe if we run the pen through the teacher's eye we can be exempt!"

"Just start guessing flavors," said Kakuzu, completely ignoring Dessie's attempt to blind Hada.

Itachi pulled Dessie off the green-haired god while the Akatsuki started screaming random flavors.

"Chocolate?

"Fish!"

"Cookies and cream?

"Squid!"

"Vanilla? Marshmall?"

"Octopus!"

"Banana? Apple? Pear? Pomegranate?"

"Oyster!"

"Kisame, quit shouting out different kinds of seafood…"

"Strawberry? Raspberry? Blueberry? Any kind of berry?

"Clam!"

"Cappuccino?"

"Mussel!"

"Mango? Orange?"

"Eel!"

"Correct."

Slowly, we all turned to stare at Hada.

"_Eel_," I gasped.

Kisame laughed and thumped Zetsu on the shoulder. "When we get home, I'll make you the best eel milkshake you have ever had."

"We've never had an eel milkshake…" said Zetsu.

"Exactly," said Hada. "You can't know it's you favorite, because you've never tried it. Trust me, it will send your taste buds while."

Zetsu blinked. "We're confused…"

Hidan patted Zetsu on the shoulder. "We all are, we all are."

"Question four!" cried Hada, who seemed to be getting quite excited by the whole thing (strange person). "Who ate Tobi's cookies?"

Tobi gasped. "Not Tobi's cookies! Tobi is a good boy! Who would eat Tobi's cookies? Tobi will kill the son of a bitch who ate his cookies!"

I blinked. "That's unnatural."

Kisame patted me comfortingly on the shoulder. "I'll protect you from the scary Tobi."

"That's wrong," said Konan, shaking her head. "That's just so wrong."

"Tobi's kind of psycho…" said Sasori.

"You _just_ noticed?" asked Kakuzu.

"Alright," said Leader. "There's an easy way to answer this question. If you ate Tobi's cookies, say so."

Tobi punched his left hand into his right palm. "Speak up, bitch, so Tobi can crush your skull."

I flung my arms around Kisame's waist. "He's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right he's not right."

"You know," said Itachi. "The person who did it probably can't talk."

"Right," said Leader. "Alright, everyone say something.

Konan: Not me.

Me: Tobi! Don't kill me!

Hidan: Fuck this.

Dessie: MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN!

Deidara: I didn't touch his shitty cookies.

Sasori: Um…

Kakuzu: No one paid me to eat them.

Kisame: Damn, I should have done that!

Itachi: Hn.

Zetsu: We only eat human-chip cookies.

"So who didn't speak?" asked Leader thoughtfully.

Sasori turned and pointed at Madara.

"Madara!"

"Correct," said Hada.

"Tobi's going to unleash a can off ass-kicking on you," snarled Tobi.

Madara snorted. "As if you could."

"So wait," said Kisame, raising a hand into the air. "Tobi's alter ego ate his cookies? And now he's going to go beat his alter ego up…?"

"Yep." Hada was a little too happy about all of this.

"My brain hurts," muttered Kisame.

"Join the club!" wailed Dessie.

"We're not all as stupid as you."

"Please keep all murder as a result of this test until all ten questions have been completed. Question Five!" cried Hada. "Who kill Dessie's sacrificial victim before she could?"

Dessie gasped (apparently the test didn't destroy her so much that she couldn't understand _that_). "WHO TOOK MY MURDER VICTIM FROM ME!"

"Not me," I said, cowering behind Kisame again.

"You really need to stop that, uhn," said Deidara.

"It was probably Hidan," said Konan.

"Don't go blaming me for other people's shit!" snapped Hidan.

"Wow," said Konan. "You can talk."

"No shit!"

"It means it wasn't you," said Kakuzu to Hidan.

"It wasn't me this time," said Madara, who was preoccupied with trying to fend Tobi off.

Dessie snorted. "You stole my coffee, you porcupine-headed bastard. It's practically the same thing."

"Let's see," said Konan. "It wasn't Hidan. It wasn't Madara. Deidara?"

"I already talked, idiot, uhn."

"Nope, not Deidara. Um… Kisame?"

"I stay as far away from Dessie and Hidan's bathroom as I can."

"Not Kisame."

"Sasori?" I suggested, using Kisame's broad blue back as a shield.

We all turned to Sasori, who was glaring at us all silently.

"Correct!" cried Hada, clapping his hands together. "You're very good at this game."

"SASORI!" screamed Dessie. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY STUFF! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S DEAD OR ALIVE – NO TOUCHING!"

"I had to experiment my poisons," said Sasori.

"NO TOUCHING! SHITHEAD! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"No murdering during the test," said Hada, pushing Dessie away from Sasori. "Question six!"

Dessie fell over. "Brain hurts too much for murder."

"Not another one…" groaned Hidan.

"Who married Hannah and Zetsu?"

I blinked. "What?"

Hada smiled.

"Didn't they just get drunk and marry themselves?" I asked.

"Apparently someone else was involved," said Sasori.

We all turned to Zetsu.

"Do you remember anything?" asked Konan.

"Why wasn't I involved!" moaned Kisame.

"Maybe you were drunk," I said. I glanced at Hada. "Was it Kisame?"

Hada shook his head.

"Sorry, Kisame," said Hidan. "But even when you're totally wasted – you're a crappy Love Guru."

Kisame punched Hidan in the face.

"Hannah's not here," said Konan slowly. "Who could it be?"

Dessie was rolling on the ground, clutching her head and groaning.

"Dessie?" I asked.

Hada laughed.

"No." I bit my lip. "Leader. Konan. Sasori. Deidara. Kakuzu. Hidan. Zetsu. Hannah. Madara. Tobi. Me!"

Hada shook his head.

"That's the whole Akatsuki…" I said slowly. "Did someone else marry them?"

"It's Konoha's plot to ruin the Akatsuki from within!" cried Leader.

"Don't be stupid," said Konan. "Kate, you forgot Itachi."

"Oh. But why would Itachi–"

"Correct!"

Everyone turned to stare at Itachi, who was standing over the agonized Dessie, looking as cool as always. He saw everyone staring at him, lifted one eyebrow, and said with every amount of awesomeness capable of fitting in one person, "Hn."

Kisame translated. "He says their drunkness was annoying him."

I shivered. "That's _evil_."

"He makes a better Love Guru than Kisame," said Sasori.

"Question Seven! Who destroy Konan's origami collection?"

"She had an origami collection?" asked Deidara.

"Well, it obviously wasn't him," said Kisame.

"It wasn't me," said Madara, dodging another one of Tobi's attacks. "Hada said no killing yet."

"Yes, but that's just so amusing," said Hada.

At this time, I had the (mis)fortune of glancing over at Leader. He didn't look so well. His face ha turned as white as snow and he looked clammy. Beads of sweat were trickling down his forehead and face. He kept clenching and unclenching his hands until his nail bit into his skin – he was a nervous wreck.

"Leader?" I asked. "Are you okay?"

"Correct!"

"What?"

I turned to stare at Hada and then back to Leader. "_You_ destroyed Konan's origami collection?"

Konan flipped a switch. Her eyes seemed to darken and all her hairs seemed to stand on end. "_Leader_?" she snarled, her voice deep and deadly. "_You dare to touch my ten year collection of origami? And then you promise to destroy me for telling people about your _person_ piercings! Fuck no. I will teach you the true meaning of _pain_. I will show you the power of paper until you can only kneel before me and weep for something as pathetic as _cardboard!"

"Konan's scary," I whispered. Kisame patted me on the head.

"Someone cardboard Hada!" wailed Dessie. Itachi prodded her in the side with his foot and she rolled on the ground like some sort of turtle.

"Question eight!" cried Hada. "Who was Konan's first kiss?"

"Leader," said Kisame instantly.

"Nope. Try again."

How to describe it… How to describe it… It's kind of a purple color… Periwinkle… No. Thistle… No. Delphinium? No… Oh, I remember. Leader' face turned the color of grappa.

"Leader wasn't Konan's first kiss?" gasped Kisame.

Hidan cackled demonically. "Who was then?"

"Obviously not you," said Sasori.

"Or you."

"I wasn't here until a month ago," said Sasori. "How could it be me?"

"He first kiss was probably their friend," said Itachi thoughtfully. "Yahiko."

"Nope." Hada grinned smugly.

"Konan?" I asked.

She shook her head and mouthed something, but I have no idea what.

"We could just do the no talking thing again," I said.

Leader: Fuck you.

Kisame: It could never be me, sweetie.

Dessie: MY BRAIN! NO MORE! NO MORE! IT HURTS!

Madara: It wasn't me! And Tobi! Stop trying to kill me!

Hidan: I wish…

Konan: Hidan, I will paper cut you to your death.

Sasori: At least we know Konan wasn't her own first kiss…

Itachi: Hn.

Kakuzu: I agree with Itachi.

Zetsu: We would eat Konan before we would kiss her.

Ignoring Zetsu's extremely disturbing comment, we all turned to stare at Deidara, who had yet to speak. He stood there, awkwardly, and grinned. He mouthed something at us.

"_You son of a bitch_!" cried Leader. He leapt across the platform, weapons ablaze.

"Deidara!" I cried.

"Wrong."

Leader froze in the middle of attacking Deidara. Slowly, he turned to stare at Hada. "What?"

"I was kidding, uhn!" said Deidara. He laughed. "You should have seen your face, you looked like you were about to _murder_ me."

"He was," said Kisame.

"It was funny, uhn."

"Then who was it?" I asked.

"Tobi," said Madara, kicking Tobi away from him again. "_Go away_!"

"Correct."

Hada grinned. "Tobi and Konan's first kiss was when they were drunk."

"How does that even happen?" asked Kisame. "Tobi wears a _mask_ twenty-four-seven."

"Even when he's sleeping, uhn," said Deidara.

"It's too hide Tobi's gorgeous face," cried Tobi, giggling.

Leader twitched. "_Tobi, you sick on of a bitch, I will murder you. But since once is not enough, I will kill you again and again and again and again._"

"How does that even work?" asked Hidan.

"Shut up!"

"I like Leader killing Tobi," said Madara.

"You shut up too, you cookie-stealing alter ego," snapped Leader.

"Question nine!" cried Hada. And then he did it. He asked the worst possible question imaginable. The question that would cause me nothing but misery for technically months. It went something like this: "Who two men does Kate like?"

There was complete silence in the Akatsuki (except for Dessie's groans of "Just fail me already… Just fail me…"). Everyone turned to stare at me. I felt small, cowering behind Kisame's back.

"What?" I squeaked, but no sound came out.

Kisame laughed – a loud, booming laugh. "You mean me?"

"Yes." Hada smiled. "I said two men."

"So…" said Kisame slowly. "You mean me… and me?"

"You only count once."

Kisame turned to stare at me. "What?"

My lips moved soundlessly.

"Maybe it's Felix," said Konan thoughtfully.

"Bitch," said Felix. "Kisame is my one and only."

"How come Felix can talk?" asked Kakuzu.

"Because I don't know the answer," snapped Felix. "Kate is _very_ secretive about her other crush."

"You're her split personality!" cried Kisame.

"Tobi!" cried Tobi.

"It's not you," said Zetsu.

"Is it Zetsu?" asked Konan.

"Ew," said Felix. "Kate, if you ever like a cannibal like that, I will commit suicide."

I tried to say no, but nothing happened.

"It's not Zetsu," said Sasori. "And it's not me."

"MY BRAIN HURTS!"

"Dessie, shut up," said Kisame. He paused. "It's not Dessie, is it? Because I can totally understand if the other party is Dessie – she is very hot."

"Kisame," said Felix. "Firstly, Hada said two men. Secondly, _I don't do threesomes with a chick_."

"I can't believe I just heard that," said Deidara.

Hidan nodded mutely.

"It's not Deidara or Hidan, is it?" asked Konan. "Or Itachi…"

"Hn."

"Itachi would never do that to me," said Kisame firmly.

"Leader?" asked Konan, practically croaking the name.

Suddenly, Dessie sat bolt upright. She stopped rolling on the ground and groaning in pain. "I KNOW THE ANSWER!" she screamed. "I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT! OH GREAT JASHIN-SAMA, I'M NOT GOING TO FAIL! I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT!"

"You do?" asked Konan. "Who? Who?"

"Don't say it!" cried Kisame, covering his ear. "Don't say it!"

"MADARA! MADARA! YOU COFFEE-THIEVING BASTARD! DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH MY PRECIOUS MORNING DRUG AGAIN!"

"She's insane," said Kakuzu.

"Correct."

I could feel everyone's eyes fall on me. I shrunk back to Kisame's side (his blue back was my haven), but I found that it was missing. I cringed under the judgmental glares and shivered.

"Do they even talk?" asked Sasori.

"I think she flipped him off one time, uhn."

"Yes," said Sasori. "Because that is the prelude for love."

"With Kate," said Hidan. "All you have to do is say she's cute."

"I'm innocent!" I wailed. Kisame wasn't looking at me, "Don't hurt me! Don't hate me! I'm innocent! Hada's lying!"

"Kill the teacher!" cried Dessie. "Then you can't fail!"

"I love this game," said Hada, clapping his hands together. "Question ten!"

"Not another!" shrieked Dessie. "Please! Please! Spare me! Spare me! Save me! I want to live! Please!"

"What is Hannah's great secret?"

Dessie stopped screaming. She blinked. Grabbed her stomach and fell over, trembling with wild laughter.

"Not this again," groaned Leader.

"What is it!" cried Konan. "What is Hannah's secret? It has to do with Kakuzu? Right? Right? Right?"

Dessie pounded her fist on the ground, still giggling. I probably would have laughed too if Kisame still wasn't looking in my direction.

"Dessie!" cried Konan. "We're almost done! Just say it!"

Dessie lifted her head, grinned, and cried, "She has Sarmassophobia!"

"Jashin bless you," said Hidan.

"Shut up, idiot," said Dessie. "Sarmassophobia is a fear women have of…" She giggled. "Love play."

"Love… play…"

Dessie cupped her breasts and grinned. "Fondling, idiots."

"What does that have to do with Kakuzu?" asked Konan.

"Do you have to bring me into this?" asked Kakuzu.

"Hannah probably dated him because they have no romantic interest in each other," said Dessie. "So she doesn't have to deal with her fears."

Everyone stared at Dessie. Then at Kakuzu. Then back to Dessie. Then back to Kakuzu.

"Are you going to let go of your breasts yet?" asked Madara, wearily.

Dessie stuck her tongue out. "You know you like it."

"The only one here who likes it is Hidan," said Konan waspishly.

Deidara and Zetsu were glaring at Kakuzu now, their eyes narrowing suspiciously. Kakuzu tried to ignore the laser beam glares he was receiving, but, finally, inexasperation, he turned to Deidara and Zetsu. "What?"

"You're dating _Hannah_," said Deidara darkly. "But you feel know desire to touch her, uhn?"

"We're offended by the idea," snarled Zetsu.

"That's what their upset about," said Konan.

Kakuzu shrugged. "She's my partner is crime. There are rules about these things."

"I'm going to kill him, uhn!"

"We're going to eat him!"

Hada tipped his head back and laughed. It was a deep, maniacally laugh that set my stomach on edge. Then, Hada lowered his head and grinned at us all. "So now, Leader and Konan are pissed at each other. Deidara wants to kill Tobi. Tobi wants to kill Madara, along with Kisame. Dessie wants to kill Sasori. Deidara and Kisame are mad at Itachi. Kisame is mad at Kate. Zetsu and Deidara want to murder Kakuzu and Hannah's secret is revealed. Now that you're all good and pissed – let's move you on to your next location."

"Fuck you," said Hidan.

"It's over!" screamed Dessie. "Fuck yeah!"

Hada waved. "Bye."

There was a flash of light. And he disappeared. Unfortunately, our problems didn't.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, such a long chapter. Dessie... You're useless. There you go. A Madara-Kate moment. Ish. Poor Kisame... I LOVE YOU KISAME! COME TO ME! I WILL SHOWER YOU WITH DEVOTION! (unless Hidan wants some, then I might have to betray you... just for a little while...). Okay, I just sound weird. REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! OR HADA WILL GIVE YOU A TEN QUESTION QUIZ THAT WILL COMPLETELY FUCK YOU OVER!**


	18. The River Not Called Styx

**Chapter Eighteen: The River Not Called Styx**

**Hannah**

Due to contracts, I'm not allowed to describe much of the Underworld to you. I landed in a pub, met Kushina and Minato, and found out they are the parents of Naruto (who killed me). After telling them I wanted to return to life, they agreed to help me (Insert name of god here, knows why, since I am trying to capture and kill their son, but I don't really question these things). They led me through the Underworld. I will not describe it anymore than I already have. Anyways, they led me to a river. Which is _not_ called the River Styx. It was a long, black rive that extended across the boarder of the Underworld and devoured the soul of anyone – dead or alive – who touched it's black waters.

"So, basically it's the River Styx," I said.

"No," said Kushina, raising a finger. "That's the point. It's not."

"It looks like it," I said. "It sounds like it."

"But it's not."

"They're trying to fool you," said Minato.

"That makes no sense," I said.

"It does when you think about it," said Kushina, waggling her finger.

"And that makes even less sense."

"Nothing here makes sense," said Minato, smiling. "That's why it's so nice."

"Yeah, yeah." I glanced at the raging black waters. "So why are we at the River Styx?"

"It's not the River Styx," said Kushina in exasperation.

"I know," I said. "You've told me at least a hundred times."

"So _why do you keep calling it the River Styx_."

"Because it is."

I swear Kushina wanted to kill me right then and there – even though I was already dead. But – hey – who really cares about those things.

"So why are we here?" I asked Minato, ignoring the death vibes I was getting from Kushina.

Minato smiled. "We're hoping the Ferryman can help you."

"The Ferryman?" I repeated blandly. "Okay, this really is the River Styx."

"It's not," said Minato. "Trust me, it's not."

"_Who called this the River Styx_?"

I turned towards the river to see a man in a smooth, wooden boat making his way across the black torrent waters using a long pole. He was dressed in a black cloak which had a hood that hung down far over his eyes.

I blinked and turned back to Minato. "Tell me why this is not the River Styx again?"

"It's not!" snapped the Ferryman. His boat reached the side of the river and he stood there, on the rickety wood and stared at me through eyeless bone-sockets.

"Um, sure," I said. "Whatever you say. Look…"

"She doesn't believe me," said the Ferryman. He turned to Minato. "Why doesn't she believe me?'

Minato sighed.

"I told you," said Kushina. "It's not the River Styx."

"I said I believed him," I said.

"She doesn't believe me," said the Ferryman. "Why are newcomers so obnoxious?"

"I don't know," said Minato (I swear he was smiling).

"Look," said the Ferryman. "People come to this river every day wanting to cross it. _I can live if I cross the River Styx_." He mimicked a high pitched voice. "_The River Styx can save me_. They're all shit. It's _not_ the River Styx."

"Okay," I said. "So what's the name of the river?"

The Ferryman scowled. "Sticks."

I stared. "Isn't that the same thing?"

"_No_."

"They sound the same…"

"Are you _stupid_!" he cried. "One is pronounced 'sticks' and the other is 'styx' – how do they sound the same!"

"Um…"

"She's stupid," the Ferryman told Minato. "Where did you find her?"

Minato shrugged. "Kushina found her."

I sighed.

"What was that sigh for?" snapped the Ferryman. "Are you mocking the Ferryman of the River Sticks? Are you? You little deceased cockroach!"

"That's really the best you've got?" I asked.

The Ferryman's eyes narrowed. "Are you mocking me!"

"Well, it's not like you're making it hard…"

"Stop while you're ahead," Minato advised.

"Which one of us are you talking to?" snapped the Ferryman.

"Me," I said. "Because you're obviously not ahead. Look," I began, but the Ferryman cut me off again.

"I'm definitely ahead! How could a deceased cockroach beat me! I have been alive since the beginning of time, ferrying deserving people across the River Sticks!"

"Okay," I said. "You win. Now can I–"

"You don't respect me!" cried the Ferryman. "You're laughing at me behind me back!"

"You've been facing me the whole time."

"Shut up! You're dead! I'm immortal! I-m-m-o-r-t-a-l! I can never die!"

I shrugged. "Two of my friends are immortal too – no big deal. Anyways, can I just…"

"_No big deal_!"

"You're going from bad to worse," said Minato.

"This is going nowhere," said Kushina. "Should we stop them?"

"Can we stop them?"

"Immortality is a gift from the gods! Given to the most perfect people who deserve divinity because of their perfection!"

"You're just digging yourself deeper," I said. "I think Jashin has a different image of 'perfection' than you do."

"Jashin!" The Ferryman's eyes narrowed. "Jashin…"

"Um…"

"_Don't mention that asshole's name here_."

"Um, okay. Anyways, I want to cr–"

"Do you know what that asshole is capable of! Him and his friend! They're psychopaths! Thanks the King, for their wives – or we'd all be screwed right now."

"Is he that bad?" I asked. "Never mind. I just need…"

"They're terrible! How dare you even use his name! Do you have any idea what you're doing!"

"I really don't care. I just want to…"

"You'll destroy the Underworld if you keep talking like that. Do you want to destroy the universe again!"

"Again? Never mind. Don't answer. I just…"

"You can't stop them! Don't throw out names as you please! It will only end badly! Disaster! Doom! Despair! Destruction!"

I sighed and turned to Minato and Kushina (who both looked mildly amused by the whole situation). Minato mouthed something that vaguely resembled, "He's always like this." I shook my head and turned back to the Ferryman, who was still ranting something about misfortune and misery that would rain down upon the universe _again_.

"Look," I said. "I don't give a crap. Your problems suck – sure. But I do not care. I just want you to let me cross the River Styx so I can return to life. Is that so hard to do without you ranting on about _your_ life problems?"

The Ferryman paused mid-speech and glowered at me. "It's the River Sticks."

"_What's the difference_!"

"Spelling is important!"

"We're talking! I shouldn't have to spell! How do you even know how I'm spelling it while I talk?"

"It's in your voice!"

"What the hell…"

"Sticks! Sticks! Sticks! Sticks! Not Styx! Sticks!"

I groaned. "Look, I don't care. Can you just let me cross?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're a whore."

I gritted my teeth. Oh how I wished I had my frying pan right then. "First, I'm not a whore. Second, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Whores are icky."

"Whores are people too," I said. "They work hard at their jobs to make better livings."

The Ferryman smirked. "Quit trying to defend your icky lifestyle."

"I was a fake whore."

"Oh right," said the Ferryman, an even smugger smile drifting across his face. "The news is just in – Hannah has sarmassophobia."

I blinked. "What?"

"You didn't hear?" asked the Ferryman. "The news is all over the Dale. Hannah has _sarmassophobia_."

I clenched my fists. Yep. A frying pan would have been real nice right then and there.

"What's sarmassophobia?" asked Kushina.

The Ferryman laughed.

"Don't say it," I said. "Don't you dare say it."

"A fear of _love play_."

Kushina and Minato blinked. They turned to stare at me – my face was bright red. I glowered at the Ferryman, plotting how to put an end to his immortality. Then Kushina giggled. She clamped a hand over her mouth, but there was no keeping the laughter in. Minato managed to keep a straight face, but I could see the corners of his mouth twitching in amusement. Assholes.

My eyes narrowed. "Only Dessie calls it 'love play'."

The Ferryman was still laughing. "What?"

"_Dessie_ told you."

"Who's Dessie?" asked the Ferryman.

"She told you."

"I heard from a god," said the Ferryman. "I don't know who Dessie is."

"Then the god heard it from Dessie."

The Ferryman frowned. "I think the god heard it from another god who heard it from another god who heard it from another god who heard it from another god who heard it from another god who heard it from some chick with wild hair who _really _doesn't like tests."

"That would be Dessie."

"Oh."

"Why did a god hear it from Dessie?"

The Ferryman laughed. "Some criminal organization has come to the Dale in an attempt to rescue you."

I blinked.

"That's great," said Minato. "You don't have to bring yourself back to life alone."

"Fuck," I said.

'What?"

"Knowing the Akatsuki, they'll screw this up real badly and it will end with my soul disappearing forever and the rest of them dead." I turned to Minato and grabbed him by the shoulders. "We need to hurry up and bring me back to life before the Akatsuki find me!" I shook his violently.

"Is it that bad?" asked Minato, his head bobbing backwards and forwards.

"You have no idea!"

"Well you can't cross the River Sticks," said the Ferryman.

"I don't want to get in a boat with you anyways," I said. "It'll probably tip over halfway and be more disastrous than if the Akatsuki actually _saved_ my life."

"Don't worry," said Kushina. "We didn't think the Ferryman would actually agree. It's just funny to watch newcomers argue with the Ferryman."

"Not funny!" snapped the Ferryman.

Kushina and Minato had already begun to lead me away from the river (which is _definitely_ not called Styx). The Ferryman flipped us off with one bony finger and then returned to drifting back across the black waters. My back was turned to him as we set off across the Underworld to our next destination. As said, I cannot describe any of the things I saw on this journey, but I can fill you in on the conversation.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Well," said Minato. "If there Ferryman won't let you cross, then there's one other way to bring you back from the dead."

"And that is…"

"The God of the Underworld."

Kushina rolled her eyes. "This can only end badly."

"He's not that bad," said Minato. "Anyways, he's not that easy to see. We have to have a little… fun… first."

"Not this again," groaned Kushina.

"What?" I asked.

"You'll see…" said Minato, grinning broadly.

"What?"

"So, Hannah," said Kushina. "Is sarmassophobia real?"

My left hand twitched. Note to self: Must acquire frying pan.

* * *

**A/N: Hannah's chapters are so much shorter than the others at the moment. Oh well. Um, let me see... I had some stuff of actual value that I wanted to say, but I can't remember what it is. Oh yes. I have finished the CHAPTER PLAN (which means I know pretty much exactly what happens in this story, with some exceptions - I know who Dessie and Kate will end up with. Hannah is, as always, a mystery). This story will have 95 chapters. I have some extra chapters that I plan to post, either in a deleted scenes story or at the end of this. Are there any scenes you want me to write? Just ask and I might do. Also, go check out the fanart for my fanfiction, the links are on my profile page or you can go to my deviantart account Fallen003 and I made a folder of my fanart in my favorites section. Up to you. Thanks.**

**Now, REVIEW OR THE FERRYMAN WILL COME TO YOU IN THE NIGHT AND NEVER SHUT UP!**


	19. The Little Minions Are Coming

**Chapter Nineteen: The Little Minions Are Coming**

**Dessie**

Heh. Hehheh. Heh. Hehhehhehheh. Hehheh. Heh.

Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing. But – _that god damned test is over_! Thank God-Jashin-Warg-Pain-The Great Plant King Zetsu –The Great God Four-The Almighty Squisher-And-Momentarily Kisame! I really, really, really, really, really, really, really to a whole new extreme _hate_ tests. Do you know how excruciating they are on the brain? There are much better things I could do with my brain matter. I don't want to spend my time freaking out about stupid test questions that won't help me at all in my life! Fuck tests! Tests are the spawn of Satan and his minions of evil–

[Note: Do not follow Dessie's perspective on school/teachers/tests, she is a fictional character with an out-of-touch-with-reality personality. You will suffer dire consequences if you ever idolize Dessie. Seriously]

–They march upon the battlefield that is my brain, firing their little minions guns and their little minions cannons and stabbing with their little minion swords and their little minion knives. There is a massive minion war on top of my brain! The pain of little minions! Satan! How can you do this to me! My brain! It hurts! The little minions are attacking! The little minions are attacking! Everyone run and hide! Hide! Not the _little minions_!

What was that? I'm completely off topic? Oh. Right. Sorry. But little minions are a huge menace when you're taking extremely important exams.

Anyways, after we finished the Ten Question Test of Hada's Creation (oh right, that was why I was talking about little minion wars). Hada transported us to our next location – which turned out to be at a god's home. We appeared on the doorstep of a giant mansion with while walls and glass doors and really expensive looking décor. The gods go all out.

"It's even bigger than Dessie's mansion, uhn," said Deidara.

"Kakuzu," said Hidan. "Try not to propose to the owner of this one."

Kakuzu beat Hidan over the head violently. I stepped over Hidan's fallen body and poked his bloodied head with my toe. There must be a lot of little minions in his head right now.

"What do we have to do next?" asked Leader.

"Don't talk," said Konan.

"What?" cried Leader. "Did you just tell me – your all powerful god of a leader – to cease talking!"

"Yes," said Konan. "No one wants to listen to an origami-destroying ass like you."

"You… You… You made out with Tobi! How is that even possible! He wears _a mask_ all the time!"

"I was _drunk_."

"You told people about my piercings!"

"It was to answer a stupid question!"

"All this drama, uhn."

"_Shut up, Deidara_!" snapped Leader. "_I have no problem killing you too_."

"What did I do, uhn?"

"You acted as though _you_ were Konan's first kiss. I'll kill you and Tobi and I'll burry you together, Deidara – so you'll have to spend _eternity_ next to _him_."

Deidara screamed.

"Yay! Deidara-senpai!" cried Tobi. "Tobi and Deidara-senpai will be best friend together! Nothing can separate us!"

"Get away from me! Away! Away! Uhn!"

Madara snorted. "Do I really have to hang out with these people?"

"We're not all bad," said Kate. Then, she glanced at Kisame and quickly scuttled away from Madara.

"Hada's an asshole," I said.

"I think he's fucking awesome," said Hidan.

Kate frowned. "Hidan? Were you the only one who escaped a question?"

Hidan grinned. "It's because I have the protection of Jashin-sama!"

"What?" I asked. "And I don't either? I could tell the all about who painted the front bathroom a new color and why."

"What?" asked Leader. "What is this about? Did Hidan have something about the front bathroom suddenly being painted a vivid shade of red?"

"Our bathroom was full of sacrifices," I said. "So Hidan moved. And made a _big_ mess. So he figured – hey, why not just use this guy's blood to repaint the bathroom!"

Kate grabbed her stomach. "I think I'm going to hurl."

"I _used_ that bathroom," gasped Konan.

"And this is why I never go in there," said Sasori.

I grinned smugly while Hidan fingered his scythe and plotted my demise.

"Well," said Deidara. "Since we're all getting nice and pissed, why don't we bring up – _Itachi_."

We all turned to gaze upon the magnificent glory of the Original Hottie. "Hn?"

"You _married_ Zetsu and Hannah, uhn!"

"We don't have a problem with it," said Zetsu.

"Hannah might, uhn!"

"She's dead," said Kakuzu.

"Do you _have _to keep reminding us!" wailed Kate. She turned to Kisame with tears in her eyes. "Kakuzu won't stop!"

Kisame stared.

Kate paused.

Kisame stared.

Kate turned away.

"Dessie! Make him stop!"

"Why me?" I asked. "I really don't care if Kakuzu keeps reminding us. I'm more concerned with the little minions that will soon be ravaging all of our brains."

…

"What are you talking about?" asked Madara.

"Shut up, Porcupine. No one cares what you say. You don't even own your own body." I paused. "Whoa, that's weird. So the gods own your current body right? So does that make you their slave? Madara? Do they make you do stuff that you don't want to do?"

He stared. "Dessie, what are you talking about?"

"Oh my gods – they do!" I gasped. "We have to save Madara! No one should have to live as the gods' bitch!"

"I'm not their bitch."

"I'm so sorry, Madara! If I had known what kind of traumatizing and permanently scarring experiences you had gone through at the hands of those perverted gods, I would never have made fun of you or called you Porcupine!"

"I'm not their bitch."

"It's a tragedy – no member of the Akatsuki, even if he only appears every once in awhile, deserves to go through such hell! How can I help you? Should I kill them all? That usually solves all my problems. Either than or shove a pencil through their brains."

"I'm not their bitch."

I stopped. "You're not?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Even though they own your body?"

Madara gritted his teeth. "I am sure I'm not their bitch."

"Oh. Well, in that case – what the fuck are we talking about, you coffee-thieving porcupine!"

"Is it just me or is Dessie getting stupider?" asked Sasori.

"Shut up," I snapped. "You stole my sacrifice. I still have to kill you."

"I don't know," said Madara. "Sasori has a point. Have you always been this stupid?"

"_It's the little minions' fault_!"

Madara sighed. "And I still have no idea what the hell she is talking about."

Kate patted Madara on the shoulder. "None of us do."

I tilted my head to the side and stared at Kate and Madara curiously. Kate was still patting Madara on the shoulder awkwardly while he looked extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation. "Um, Kisame? What are you doing?"

Kate and Madara looked behind them to see Kisame – in all his blue awesomeness – standing over them with his spiked sword towering over his head, prepared to crush Madara into tiny little bite-sized pieces.

"Kisame!" screamed Kate.

"I didn't do anything," said Madara flatly.

"_You ate Tobi's cookies_."

"Besides that," said Madara. "I can't help it women find me attractive."

"You're a porcupine," I said. "Who finds you attractive?"

"Apparently Kate does."

"I don't!" Kate cried. "That's just some of Hada's lies…"

"But he didn't lie," said Konan. "Every question he asked had an answer that was one-hundred percent true."

"Not helping!" snapped Kate.

"I have a question," said Sasori. "Why are we still standing outside this mansion? Why don't we actually go in."

"Shut up!" snapped Kisame. "We have some serious person issues to sort out."

"Not now!" said Leader loudly. "You can bitch out your relationship somewhere else, right now, we have a door to open."

"Yes," said Kisame. "Because that takes so much brain power."

"Someone's being a bitch today," said Konan.

Leader ignored the bitchiness going on around him and moved to open the door. He gripped the handle. The knob wouldn't turn. Leader frowned and tried again. Nothing. He wrestled with the door for a bit (which involved him trying to destroy it into an oblivion where existence would never remember the door's name again). Finally, he stepped back in defeat.

"This door is my toughest opponent yet," said Leader.

"The sad part is that it's true," said Hidan.

Madara rolled his eyes. "So much for not taking much brain power."

I shrieked. "The little minions are having an effect! Leader! Fight the little minions! Fight! You can open the door! Don't let their little wars influence your brain!"

Madara groaned. "Dessie – what the fuck are you talking about?"

I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands. "Porcupine… They have control of your brain too."

"You're an idiot."

Kisame regarded the door curiously. "What was the point of bringing us here if they weren't going to let us in?"

Kate considered. "Maybe we should ring the door bell."

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard," said Kisame. "Even stupider than Dessie's little minions."

"Not stupid!" I cried.

"You know," said Konan. "We might as well try the door bell…"

"That's a great idea," said Kisame. "Does anyone see the door bell?"

"It's over here," said Sasori. He pushed it.

We couldn't hear anything on the other side of the door, but – a moment later – the door swung open to reveal a small, blue gnome.

"Squisher?"

The grouchy blue gnome stared. "Oh. It's you." He closed the door.

"What the hell, uhn!" cried Deidara.

"He's a shit," said Hidan.

"Can we eat him yet?" asked Zetsu.

"Yes," said Kakuzu, his voice dripping in sarcasm. "Because that will really make him want to let us in."

"Should we ring the door bell again?" asked Kate.

"Yes," said Kisame. "Because if itfails once, why don't we just try the _exact same thing again_."

"I thought it was a good idea," said Konan.

"You're right," said Kisame. "We should try ringing the door bell again."

…

"Alright," said Hidan. "This is all fucking stupid."

We all turned to stare at Hidan blankly. "What?"

"You heard me. You're all fucking stupid. We take one fucking ten question quiz and all we can do is fucking eat each other from the inside out – I mean – _really_ – we've resorted to Zetsu's level! Fucking Zetsu! Jashin would be ashamed of you all! So Leader destroyed Konan's fucking origami collected – who the fuck cares? It's paper! And Leader – we all know you have a fuck ton of piercings – why the fuck does it matter if we know the exact number? And so Konan got drunk and made out with Tobi? It's Tobi! I'd be congratulating her for managing to figure out how the fuck you actually _can_ kiss Tobi. And Deidara – you're a fucking asshole anyways – so is anyone really surprised you pretended to be Konan's first kiss? No! Itachi married Hannah and Zetsu? We all got a good laugh out of that – so who the fuck is complaining! Besides, she's dead so now the marriage laws are void – until _death_ do we fucking part! So now she's single again! Happy? Good. Fuck. Don't get me started on Dessie. Bitch. You have hundreds of sacrifices, so quit blaming Sasori for one! It's fucking annoying. And Kisame – don't get me started on you. So Kate is attracted to Madara – he's a shit and an asshole – who the fuck would actually date a fucking asshole like that!"

"It's true," said Madara.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm lecturing here! Kisame, you're an idiot and it's getting on everyone's fucking nerves. If you don't shut the fuck up, right now and start fucking your girlfriend again, I will set Dessie on you with her stupid little minions!"

Hidan stopped. He glared at each and every one of us in turn before saying, "My work here is done." He rang the door bell.

"I have idea," said Kisame. "Rather than be pissed off at each other, why don't we all just hate Hidan since he managed to avoid Hada's quiz and then has the _balls_ to lecture us."

"I like that idea, uhn."

Konan shivered. "The balance of the world has shifted. First, Kisame actually has a good idea and manages to cheer everyone up and then _Hidan_ scolds us all for acting stupid."

I shrieked. "We're all going to die! The apocalypse is coming! First Kisame! Now Hidan! Next thing you know, Zetsu will start voluntarily eating cabbages! I blame the little minions! It's all the little minions!"

The door opened.

I froze mid-scream and turned to see the little blue gnome standing in the door way again.

"You people are very amusing when left alone," he said.

"Yes, Zetsu," said Leader. "You can eat him."

Zetsu grinned and stepped closer to Squisher. Squisher yelped and ran away as quickly as possible. We all followed him inside the mansion foyer.

The foyer was grand with marble pillars holding up the ceiling and a tiled floor. Tables with flowers were everywhere and brightly colored paintings covered the walls. Of course, the paintings were all abstract with brightly colored circles and orbs everywhere.

"Don't tell me…" said Sasori. "We're in Four's home."

Squisher, having narrowly avoided Zetsu, appeared, cowering behind Konan. "Yes, the Great God Four is in charge of your next task."

"Good," said Konan. "He should be reasonably kind to us since we saved Seanova for him."

"You know," said Kate. "Since you said those words, we're doomed to a terrible task."

Konan groaned. "Damn it, you're right."

"So where's Four?" I asked. "I want to meet this guy who brought us so much hell. I need to unleash the little minions on _him_."

"Are you going to explain to me what those are yet?" asked Madara.

I rolled my eyes. "They're the spawn of Satan who are unleashed on people's brains to wage wars amongst each other with their little minion weapons. They inflict massive damage on the brain and cause people to do stupid things and torment people with sharp pointy objects. They are evil – _evil_, I tell you."

Madara stared. "It made more sense before I asked."

"You just can't understand a higher level of thinking. It comes with being a Porcupine."

"So," said Leader, interrupting Madara and me loudly. "When are we going to meet Four?"

"I'm right here."

That voice.

That voice was so familiar it sent all the little minions right out of my brain. Slowly, I turned around to see who was standing in the middle of the doorway. Dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans, the Great God Four stood there with his all-too-familiar short black hair, his all-too-familiar rail-thin build, and his all-too-familiar, smug smile. The only unfamiliar thing was his lack of blindfold.

"ARAM!" I screamed. And jumped into his arms to hug him to death.

"Yep," said Aram. "I'm back, bitches."

Konan groaned. "This can't end well."

* * *

**A/N: I was on something when I wrote this chapter. I don't know what - but I was. hahahaha Oh well. REVIEW OR DESSIE WILL SET THE LITTLE MINIONS ON YOU!**


	20. The Gifts Keep On Giving

**Chapter Twenty: The Gifts Keep On Giving**

**Kate**

I did not know Aram as well as Dessie, Sasori, Hidan, or Konan did, but even I could recognize him without his blindfold. He grinned at us all wickedly and Dessie attempted to tackle him with her wild hugging techniques. As I stared at Aram now, I could understand why he had to wear the blindfold in Seanova. His eyes were constantly changing color. One moment blue, the next orange, the next purple, and the next red. There were a Technicolor mess!

"Pretty rainbows," sighed Tobi.

"Aram," said Konan blankly. "Aram. Aram? Aram… Aram!"

"Hey," said Aram, ruffling Dessie's already messy hair fondly. "Long time no see. Well, for you. As the god of time and space, I kind of knew what you guys were doing all the time. But hey – long time no you see me."

"I missed you!" cried Dessie. "Who else will talk about perverted shit while getting drunk with me?"

"What am I?" asked Deidara. "A duck, uhn?"

Dessie glanced over her shoulder. "Whenever I try and get drunk with you, I can't help but think of C-Deidara – and _he_ was the epitome of perversion."

"It's true," said Aram. "I could barely keep up with him."

"So wait…" said Konan slowly. "You're Four."

"Yep."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

Konan blinked. "And you never told us… Not once… At all."

"Because he's awesome like that," said Dessie, still hugging Aram's waist.

"I thought it was pretty obvious," said Aram. "I mean, the name Aram has four letters in it. Four letters… Four… Did no one get it?"

We stared.

"Who the hell is supposed to get that!" cried Kisame.

"Squisher told me it was good…"

We all turned to glower at Squisher, who was still hiding in fear behind Konan (I don't think he'd figured out that Kisame is the best protective wall imaginable).

"You're an idiot," said Dessie fondly.

"You want to know what the creepy part of all this is," said Sasori, watching with mild disgust as Dessie clung to Aram. "To her, that is friendship."

Hidan nodded. "It's when she beats the crap out of you and calls you names, that it's considered dating."

"No," said Dessie. "Whether you're my friend, my boyfriend, or my enemy – I'm still going to be the crap out of _you_."

"Fuck you too!"

Dessie stuck her tongue out.

"It's true love," said Konan with a sigh.

"So how are you enjoying the Dale?" asked Aram.

"It's, um…" Leader seemed to be at a loss for words. "Interesting…"

"You can say terrible," said Aram. "It's really boring here. I tend to skip over to Seanova often – now that place has some real interesting shit."

"How's Seanova doing?" asked Konan.

"Pretty good. The monks have straightened things out – there's a wedding coming up, did you know? You would have been invited, but since you disappeared from that world, they didn't know how to get the invitations to you."

"Who's getting married?"

"Gang and Hiroba."

"Whoa," said Kisame, lifting his hands. "The two gay monks from the Temple of Four?"

"Yep."

I giggled delightedly. "Kisame! Your skills as a Love Guru actually worked!"

"Success!" He fist pumped the air. "The Love Guru and his She-Cupid are back in action, bitches – be ready, for love is coming your way!"

"This can't end well…" said Konan.

"Nothing can end well when you're around," said Leader.

"What did you just say?"

"I _said_–"

"Oh _fuck_ no!" said Hidan. "I just yelled my guts out at you shitheads and now you're going to start fighting again two minutes later? Fuck. No."

Dessie giggled. "Hidan actually caring is funny."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Anyways," said Aram loudly. "I'm supposed to give you a run down of information on the Dale – are you ready?"

"Sure…"

Speedy Recap Of Information On The Dale (This Is Actually Important So Read Carefully): The name given to the world of the gods which is basically a dale surrounded by mountains. Beneath the Dale is the worlds. A set amount of worlds exist on one plane and then on top of that plane is the alternate realities of all the same worlds and on top of that plane is another series of alternate realities, so on and so forth for infinity. Then, beneath the worlds, is the Underworld where dead people go. So it's like a sandwich. The Dale – the world and their alternate realities – the Underworld. There are three ways to get from the Dale to the Underworld. 1) Get Aram to use his orbs 2) Cross the River Sticks 3) Take the tunnels.

"Alright," said Aram, with Dessie still attached to his side (she missed him quite a lot). "Now that we have that boring actually-important information over with, let's move on to your task."

"Our task?" asked Dessie, finally releasing Aram. She stepped back to regard him suspiciously. "You're actually giving us a task?"

"Of course," said Aram. "It's more fun this way."

Leader groaned. "Not this again…"

"Please!" cried Dessie. "Don't make us take a test! Not a test! Anything but a test!"

"I don't like tests either," I said. "They have _really_ bad consequences."

"It's not a test," said Aram. "Nah. I can think of something more useful." He extended his hand to Dessie in, in the palm of it, was a weird sort of bracelet with a glittering red gem in the middle. Dessie took it suspiciously.

"What is that?" asked Leader.

"It's one of my special watches," said Aram. "You see, I'm sort of known as the playboy of the gods…" He laughed. "And, being a divine playboy, I have to keep my woman happy – which requires me to send them gifts from time to time." He extended his other hand, in which he was suddenly holding a giant black bag. He handed the bag to Hidan, who practically toppled over under the weight. "I want you to go to the homes of different goddesses and give them the gifts addressed to them in this bag."

"What's in here!" cried Hidan.

"We have to do your dirty work," groaned Konan. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Oh, it's fun," said Aram, waving away the comments. "They're all nice girls. The bracelet will summon an orb every three minutes and transport you to the next location - which means you have to be speedy."

"And, um, how many locations are there?" I asked.

"Thirty-six."

My jaw dropped.

Deidara laughed. "You, Four, are my idol, uhn."

"Call me Aram," said Aram cheerfully. "Well, have fun."

Almost instantly a red orb started to form in the middle of the room, its light reflected eerily on our faces.

"Do we have to go?" groaned Dessie.

"Yes." Aram grinned. "If you want to bring Hannah back – it's required."

"You're a douche," said Dessie, before hopping into the orb. There was a flash of red light, and she was gone. Hidan followed soon after.

"I hate glowing orbs," groaned Deidara.

"Are you kidding?" asked Aram. "Their awesome. You just haven't learned to embrace their awesomeness yet."

Konan pushed Deidara into the orb before jumping in herself. Leader, Tobi, and Kakuzu followed without much of a fuss. Madara had never actually traveled through a glowing orb as himself before, seemed uncomfortable with the mode of travel (even more uncomfortable than the rest of us – which is saying something). He edged towards the orb and poked it awkwardly. There was a flash of red light, and Madara was gone.

Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi followed. Leaving Zetsu and I standing in the foyer with Aram and Squisher. Squisher waved awkwardly, "See you later…"

Zetsu gnashed his pointy teeth. "When we're hungry."

I sighed. "Zetsu, you still have leftover from the battle with Konoha. You don't need to eat blue things."

"Listen to her," said Squisher. "She might actually have some brains in that blond head of hers."

I frowned. "On second thought, have him as a snack later."

And with that, I hopped into the glowing red orb – FLASH!

* * *

Number One:

We appeared in the middle of a swimming pool.

Yeah, I was confused too.

The pool was deep and I was treading water desperately. Kisame was deep underwater and swimming around while Dessie hummed the Jaws theme song (why am I not surprised?). Deidara was freaking out, however – apparently the pyromaniac doesn't like water.

"Hidan!" Deidara screamed, jumping onto Hidan's back. "Help me float! Help me float!"

Hidan sunk beneath the surface under the impossible weight of both Deidara and the bag of gifts.

"Get off me, you fuck head!" cried Hidan, pushing Deidara off. "You're fat!"

"Screw you!" shouted Deidara. "I can't swim, uhn!"

"Go hold onto Sasori!" snapped Hidan. "He's made of wood – he can float!"

"He's a witch!" cried Dessie.

"I'm not made of wood!" shouted Sasori. "That was the other Sasori! The one who is _dead_."

"Why didn't we try to bring him back to life?" asked Konan thoughtfully.

"He was a bit of a prick," said Leader.

"And Tobi replaced him!" cried Tobi. "So the Akatsuki didn't need the other Sasori anymore."

"Damn," said Leader. "We should have brought him back."

"We have two minutes left!" cried Dessie, inspecting the bracelet around her wrist. "And make sure Kisame doesn't eat any legs!"

"If he eats out legs, we'll eat his," said Zetsu.

Someone screamed.

"I told you," said Dessie.

"It's not one of us," said Itachi. He jerked his head (very coolly, I might add) to his right.

We all turned to see a woman – a goddess – dressed in a bikini. She had one of the most incredible bodies I have ever seen. With her long blond hair, bright green eyes, and luxurious curves, she put supermodels to shame. So, I automatically hated her. It's natural. I hate all women hotter than I am (I secretly hate Dessie, Konan, and Hannah too), so this woman (who was hotter than Dessie and Hannah put together) was arch nemesis number one.

"Who is _she_?" asked Konan in disgust (apparently she shares my rules).

"Mine are bigger," said Dessie.

"Lies," said Hidan.

"I bet she uses the Bombshell from Victoria's Secret," snapped Dessie.

"Who are you!" screamed the goddess. "What are you doing in my pool! Who _are _you!"

"We need to ask you the same question," said Kisame, resurfacing.

"I'm in my pool for a swim!"

"Not that," said Kisame. "What's your name?"

"You're stalking me and you don't even know who I am!"

"Like hell we'd stalk you!" cried Dessie. "You're an ugly ho. But we bring gifts from Ara- The Great God Four."

The goddess's entire demeanor changed. She paused, and a slow, sweet smile spread across her face. She clasped her hands together and pressed them against her fair cheek. "Four? Really? He thought of me? I'm Nina. What did that charming god bring me?

Hidan started digging through the sack of wonders. He pulled out a present wrapped in multicolored paper and handed it to Nina. She took one look at it, turned to us and said, "I have a message for my dear, sweet, chocolate-coated Four."

"What?" asked Konan dryly.

Nina smiled. And then she threw the present at Konan's head. "Tell him to stay the _fuck_ away from me that playboy son of a bitch! I will fucking kill him! Murder him! Rip his pretty little eyes right out of those pretty little sockets! He dares to fuck around with the goddess of swimming pools and not even call her back. A whole _century_ later does he even think to send me a present – what am I – his call girl?"

"At least he remembered to send the present eventually," said Dessie.

"Oh fuck you, that's rich!" screamed Nina. "I had to hear from my _best friends_ about their _magical_ nights with him – he never even returning my _phone calls_. That son of a bitch! I'll kill him! I'll fucking kill him! And I'll start with you little shits that he sends to do his dirty work! You want to save that sarmassophobic bitch? Fuck no! I'll kill you first!"

"Wait…" said Dessie. "How did you know Hannah is sarmassophobic?"

"It's all the rage!" screamed Nina. "Everyone knows! I bet Hannah's heard about it in the Underworld by now!"

Dessie screamed. "She'll kill me! No! No! No! Save me! Save me!"

"Shut up," snapped Madara. "When are we leaving this place?"

"No!" wailed Dessie, grabbing Madara by the shoulders. "You don't understand! It's her precious secret! She'll _kill_ me! She'll rip out my lungs and donate them to science! Not science! I'm a religious girl! Science is a lie!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Madara, grabbing Dessie's wrist. "How much time to we have left?" He examined the bracelet. "Twenty seconds!"

Nina lifted her arms and massive waves formed in the swimming pool, preparing to crush us all. I screamed and leapt onto Kisame's back (It was instinct, I tell you – instinct!). Deidara shrieked and flung his arms around Hidan and Sasori, hoping the two of them could keep him afloat. Tobi jumped onto Zetsu's back, which caused Zetsu to try to eat Tobi. Tobi fled into Itachi, who glared at Zetsu and Tobi. Kakuzu snatched up the fallen present (maybe it would fetch him some money), while Konan and Leader clung to each other tightly.

"Dessie!" I wailed, my arms fastened around Kisame's neck. "Dessie! Madara! Dessie! The orb! The orb!"

"She's going to murder me in my sleep!" wailed Dessie. "Or while I'm awake! I don't think she cares."

Madara punched Dessie in the face.

"What the hell was that for?" she screamed.

"At this rate, we're going to die before Hannah can get her hands on you."

Dessie stared at the waves and Nina. She screamed. And then – FLASH!

* * *

Number Two:

We landed on soft carpeting of a hotel bedroom. I sat up and hit my head on Kisame's chin. I glanced up and saw him lying on top of me, lifting himself up on one muscular blue arm. He rubbed his chin, frowning. Then, he caught sight of me and quickly pushed himself away. He crossed his arms and turned around. I blushed and quickly looked away. Dessie was lying on the floor with her arms wrapped around Madara (she was still trying to find sanctuary from the wrath of Hannah). Tobi, Itachi, and Zetsu were in one giant tangle with Zetsu's mouth enclosed over Tobi's right foot. Leader and Konan were intertwined on the floor and Kakuzu was clinging to his present. Deidara was hugging Hidan and Sasori tightly, his blond hair dripping wet.

"What's going on?" asked Sasori, sitting up and pushing Deidara away from him.

"Onto the next place," said Konan. She disentangled herself from Leader, trying to keep the shreds of dignity that she still possessed.

"Something's fluffy," murmured Dessie, stroking Madara's hair.

"If you touch the hair again," said Madara, his eyes opening slowly. "I will murder you slowly and painfully."

Dessie's eyes flew open. She stared at Madara and then to his hair. She screamed nad jumped up. "Why aren't you spiky?"

"What?"

"You're a _porcupine_ – your hair should be spiky?"

Madara sigh and pushed Dessie away from him. "I'm not a porcupine."

"I get it!" cried Dessie. "You're a Ferby!"

"A what?"

I shuddered. "Scary things… They're supposed to be cute… But they wake up in the middle of the night after you think their batteries have been dead for five years and say – _I love you_…"

"That sounds creepy," said Madara.

"Shut up, Ferby!" snapped Dessie. "You should have died years ago!"

"I did."

Dessie screamed. "Zombie Ferby has risen from the grave."

"Never mind."

"So where are we?" I asked, looking around the hotel room.

Almost instantly, the door opened and a tall, slender woman with long brown hair and dressed in the skimpiest, sluttiest clothing imaginable stepped into the room. She turned around and froze at the sight of us. She blinked. "Who are you?"

"Mine are bigger," said Dessie.

"Are you going to say that every time we see a goddess?" asked Hidan.

"Yes."

"Screw you."

"She's kind of hot, uhn," said Deidara, surveying the goddess carefully.

"Maybe she has some porn you can buy," muttered Kisame. I giggled and made my 'yuck' face at Kisame. He frowned and turned away. Oh. Right. I'd forgotten. Instinct is a cruel thing.

The goddess stared at Hidan and then a slow smile crossed her face. "You're kind of cute."

Hidan blinked. "What?"

"You want to stay with me?"

"Mine are _definitely_ bigger than this bitch's," said Dessie.

"Are you jealous that she's coming onto Hidan or jealous that her boobs are bigger than yours?" asked Konan. "It's hard to tell."

"Neither!" cried Dessie. "Mine are bigger!"

"I'm Lua," said the goddess, stepping closer to Hidan. She wrapped one arm around his neck and planted a kiss on his cheek. "You?"

"Like fuck I'll tell you." He pushed Lua away.

"What the hell!" cried Deidara. "She was hot, uhn."

"Jashin and his law is my one true love," said Hidan. "I don't have time for bitchy goddesses."

"But you do have time for Dessie," said Konan.

"Dessie?" Lua turned to face Dessie, who was struggling again Kakuzu's head lock. Lua stepped closer to Dessie, who was planning to gouge Lua's eyes out, and inspected Dessie carefully. "She's ugly."

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'the beast within'? Well, Dessie has a beast within. Even more frightening than the beast that came out after Hannah's death. When Dessie is called ugly, well, she puts the word 'hell' to shame.

"!"

"Oh look," said Hidan, pulling a gift out of the bag. "I found Lua's present." He tossed the gift on Lua's stomach as she lay at Dessie's feet covered in blood and completely unconscious.

"Is she dead?" I asked nervously.

"Who cares?" asked Hidan.

FLASH!

* * *

Number Thirteen:

During our task from Aram, we met many different goddess, each with their own reactions. A lot (probably more than half) responded like Nina – death, doom, destruction – how dare that man whore ignore them. The usual. But there were others with very, um, different reactions. One of my favorites being, Dulana the goddess of rocks. She was on top of a mountain when we went to visit her.

"Tobi is cold."

"We're all cold," said Sasori, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "Why are we up here?"

"To hand over the present," said Dessie cheerfully.

"Who's there?"

We all turned to see a chubby woman with curling brown hair and pudgy eyes. She stormed down the mountainside to stand face to faces with us. She placed her hands on her hips and scowled.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can goddesses look like that?" whispered Hidan, glancing at Dulana suspiciously.

Kisame nodded and muttered back, "I thought goddesses had to be gorgeous by law."

"You two are being mean," I hissed.

"We have a gift from Four," announced Konan. "Your name is…"

"Dulana."

Hidan pulled a gift out the bag and handed it to Dulana. She tore off the wrapping paper greedily. Inside was a thick book explaining tips on how to lose weight.

"That's a little harsh," said Konan.

Dulana burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," said Konan, patting Dulana on the shoulder. "Four's always been a bit of ass."

"It's true," said Dessie, cheerfully.

Dulana lifted her head. "Don't call him as ass! He is the most amazing and kind and friendly and wonderful guy alive! He's just looking out for me! He knows I have issues with my weight and he wants me to find the courage to diet or something! He was even willing to spend time with a fat, ugly goddess like me! Four is incredible!" She was crying again.

"Oh..." I said slowly. "Okay…"

"Why are all the women he sleeps with insane?" asked Madara.

"He has terrible taste."

Dessie tilted her head to the side and said, thoughtfully, "He once told me the crazy ones are the best in bed because–"

"Alright," said Konan. "I'm going to stop you there."

I felt a wave of pity for Dulana. "How could you like Four? He _cheats_ on you… Regularly. And he's an asshole – who would like an asshole like that?"

"You do…" muttered Kisame.

"I'll pretend you didn't say that."

"Don't call him an asshole!" wailed Dulana. "He sleeps around because he's a male! All male's sleep with many different women – but he loves me the most! He said so! He _told me so_! He may be married, but I am his one true love!"

"Whoa…" said Deidara. "He's married, uhn!"

Dulana nodded, wiping the tears and snot from her face with the back of her hand. "To the goddess of chastity."

"Well that explains a lot," said Kakuzu.

"She's just a bitch who doesn't know what she's got," said Dulana, still sniffling.

"Right…"

Dessie checked her bracelet. "Well, it's time to go. Nice meeting you – I never knew there were fat goddesses."

"Dessie!" cried Konan.

"What?"

Dulana's eyes narrowed. She stepped forward and barred her teeth. "What did you just say, bitch?"

"Fat. Goddess."

Dulana threw a rock at Dessie's head.

She collapsed onto the ground and Hidan quickly picked her up. "Where's the fucking orb?" he asked.

"It'd better work even if she's unconscious!" I cried as Kisame pulled me out of the way of a rock.

FLASH!

* * *

Number Twenty-Five:

"Ahha. Hahaha. Nah? Hahaha. Ahahahaha. Ahha. Ahha. Ahha. Ahha. Hahaha. Ha."

I opened my eyes and stared. We were in some sort of basement with a beautiful blond woman. She was gorgeous, beyond a doubt, but she was sitting at a desk stabbing a photograph book over and over again with a pair of scissors.

"Help me," I whispered, backing away as quickly as I could.

The goddess looked up. "You shouldn't be here…"

"No," I said. "No we shouldn't. Dessie, I think we have the wrong place."

"No," said Dessie. "The orb has yet to fail us." She glanced up at the goddess, who had not stopped stabbing the photographs. "Do you know Four?"

The goddess stopped stabbing. She lifted up the scissors. Stuck to the bottom was a picture of Four, laughing while he played a game of cards with Squisher and some other men. The sharp end of the scissors was sticking directly through where Four's heart would be.

"Yes, Dessie," I squeaked. "I think she knows Four."

"Cool," said Dessie. "So what's your name?"

"Why are you so calm!" I wailed.

"I don't have a name." The goddess returned to stabbing the photographs.

"That looks like fun," said Leader thoughtfully. "Maybe I should take up that hobby…"

Konan glared. "If you do, I will tied you up and leave you in the closet with the stapler for a weekend."

Leader shuddered. "Not the stapler!"

The goddess continued stabbing as if nothing happened.

"Come on," said Dessie. "You have to have a name. We have a present for you from Four."

The goddess glared at Dessie. "That asshole would never get me anything."

"Surprise, uhn," said Deidara. "He did. Apparently he was thinking of you when you least expected it. So what's your name?"

"I don't have a name." Stab. Stab. Stab.

"Sure you do..."

"I don't have a name." Stab. Stab. Stab.

"Really? Maybe you forgot it…"

"I don't have a name." Stab. Stab. Stab.

"Hey," said Hidan, pulling a gift from the bag. "There's a present with no name on it." He glanced at the goddess. "It must be for you…"

"I don't want it."

Hidan threw it at the goddess. It hit her in the face and then fell on top of the photo album. She didn't stop stabbing. She stabbed right through the wrapping paper.

"That's so creepy!" I wailed.

She stabbed away at the present. To reveal… a new pair of scissors.

Konan groaned. "I never knew Aram was such an asshole."

"Yes," said Deidara. "But he does it in _style_, uhn."

A wide smile spread across the goddess's fade (which is even scarier than before) and she picked up the brand new scissors in her opposite hand. She grinned and then started stabbing the photo album with both scissors. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab. Stab-stab.

I buried my face in my hands. "Why does Aram only sleep with crazy girls!"

"Because it's fun," said Dessie. "He told me over alcohol."

I sighed. "And that must be why he's friends with you…"

FLASH!

* * *

Number Thirty-Six:

We ended up in a bathroom, the goddess we were supposed to be giving a gift too was sitting in the bathtub, soaking in the rose-colored water. The second she saw us, she screamed and reached for a towel.

"You don't have to put that on," said Kisame (insert glare from me here). "Kidding!" said Kisame with a laugh. "You're my only…" He trailed off. Apparently, I'm not the only one who falls prey to instinct.

"What are you doing here!" she screamed. "Who are you!"

"Hi," said Konan, waving awkwardly. "We're the Akatsuki. We were sent here by the Great God Four to grace you with a gift." (By this point we had figured out a routine greeting).

"Four?" asked the bathtub goddess. "Four!"

"Not another hater," groaned Deidara.

"Can you just tell us your name?" asked Sasori. "We'll leave soon after."

"Oh no, I don't want his stupid present" said the bathtub goddess. "You can pass a message to the _Great God_ Four for me!"

"We can't pass a message to him if you don't give us your name," said Itachi (as cool and sexy as always).

The bathtub goddess clutched her towel glared daggers at Itachi. "You can tell him to go fuck himself."

"We can't tell him without your name," said Madara. "Otherwise it could be any of the bitchy goddesses who hate him."

"That's true," said Dessie. "We already have to tell him to go shove his head up his ass, go screw his mother, go eat a turkey sandwich – I don't know where that one came from, go drink some arsenic, go fuck his c–"

"We get the point," I said, cutting across Dessie. "The point is we need your name, so Four can know which goddess _really_ hates him."

"You just want to give me the stupid present," said the bathtub goddess firmly.

"No, no," I said. "We hate Four just as much as you do – that guy is an asshole. He can't even come give you the present in person."

The bathtub goddess nodded and wiped a tear from her eye.

"Do you know how many women we have visited," I continued. "They were all as angry and frustrated at you. Of course, there were the few psychopaths who, despite everything, were still madly in love with Four… But I understand how much you hate him. He's nothing but a perverted, disgusting, disgraceful playboy who does not deserve the title of 'god'."

The bathtub goddess sniffled. "My name is Izarima."

Hidan threw the present at her head.

"Four is fucking awesome!" screamed Dessie. And then she cowered behind Leader.

"Get away from me!" he cried, trying to pry Dessie off.

"You little bitches," cried Izarima. "I will kill you all! How dare you lie and deceive me like that! Especially you!" She pointed directly at me. "I will _rip your eyes right out of their sockets and shove them down your throat while I tear off you limbs one by one._"

I screamed.

"Shouldn't you save her?" asked Sasori.

Madara yawned. "Why would I do that? I didn't lie to the crazy goddess."

"Isn't she in love with you or something."

"Sure. I'm awesome. It's only a natural reaction."

I groaned. "You're a big fat meanie!" And then I went to hide behind Kisame's blue back. "I love you, Kisame! No one but you! Don't leave me! I love you! Just save me! Save me! Oh my god! That woman is going to kill me! _Kisame_!"

Kisame sighed and drew his sword. "That's not exactly the most promising reunion!"

"I love you!" I wailed. "Now save me!"

FLASH!

* * *

We landed in the foyer of Aram's mansion. I was still clinging desperately to Kisame's back.

"This is rather pathetic," said Konan, trying to pry Dessie from Leader.

"No!" wailed Dessie. "He's so protective!"

"Get off me before I rip your hands off," snapped Leader.

Dessie let go and brushed her hands off on her shorts. "Well, his back is protective."

"You're back!"

We all turned to see Aram entering the foyer from the living room. He waved cheerfully and gave Dessie a quick 'welcome back' hug. Squisher appeared at Aram's heels, scowling at us all.

Sasori stepped forward and glared at Aram. He took a deep breath an said, "You should go fuck yourself, go shove your head up your ass, go screw your mother, go eat a turkey sandwich, go drink arsenic, go fuck your cat, go jump of a bridge, do roll over and die and don't come back, go fuck Squisher, you shithead, you dick, you asshole, you asswipe, you asshat, you jerk, you assshit, you bastard, you tool, you fucker, you baboon, you turkey sandwich, you douche, you damned ass, you dumbass, you dick, you prick, you sadistic creep, you douchebag – am I missing anything?"

"You bird brain, uhn."

"You shitter whose head is shoved so far up your ass that you only shit yourself," added Konan.

"You meanie," I added.

"You said that," muttered Dessie, still hugging Aram.

"But it's true."

Aram grinned. "I'm all of those things and proud."

"You disgust me," said Konan.

Aram laughed. "Aw, you're all so cute. So, who's up for the next task?"

I shrieked. "Please tell me I don't have to visit another one of your psychotic mistresses."

Aram shook his head. "No, you have another request. But don't worry, I'll probably see you again. In the meantime, say hello to Remenhide for me."

And then there was a flash of light and Aram disappeared. Which might have been a good thing considering what we had all just been through.

* * *

**A/N: I'm actually rather disappointed with this chapter. It's not as funny as I wanted it to be. I mean, I don't think it's bad, but I'm not thrilled. Then again, who am I to say, I wrote about little minions and someone said that chapter wasn't very funny. HOW ARE LITTLE MINIONS NOT FUNNY!**

**Review. Or. I. Will. Lose. All. My. Funny.**


	21. Five Hearts Come In Handy

**Chapter Twenty-One: Five Hearts Come In Handy**

**Hannah**

"Here we are."

I looked up at the huge house in front of us. I can't describe much of it, but I can tell you that it was gigantic. Nowhere near the size of Aram's home, of course, but huge for Underworld standards, nevertheless. I turned to Minato and Kushina and asked, "What are we doing here?"

"We're here to get you a meeting with the god of the Underworld."

"The god of the Underworld lives here?"

Minato shook his head. "The crime boss of the Underworld lives here."

"Um…" I stared at Minato blankly. "So then why are we here."

Minato walked up the front steps of the house and rung the doorbell. "He has connections with the god of the Underworld. And He's an old friend of mine."

Kushina and I followed him up the steps, coming to a halt a little ways behind him.

"But aren't you the good and saintly Hokage?" I asked. "I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be friends with the crime boss of the Underworld."

"That's the point," said Minato. "I'm dead. Who cares if I'm the biggest villain in the Underworld? Besides, even the goodest of goodies likes to be bad sometimes."

"Um, okay."

The door opened and a gray-haired woman in a long black dress stood there. She surveyed the three of us quickly before turning to Minato. "Don wasn't expecting you."

"Sorry, E," said Minato. "It's a surprise visit."

The woman – I think he called her E – stepped out of the way and allowed us to enter the grand house. Once again, I can't describe anything to you (Don likes to keep the exact layout of his home a secret for security reasons), but let me tell you – that was one hell of a house.

E led us down a series of halls and up a staircase. We entered a large room where a few men were seated around a table playing poker. For safety reasons, I wasn't allowed to know their names, so for the story's sake, I will call them Bob 1, Bob 2, Bob 3, and Bob 4. And then there was Don, the tall, bald, muscular guy with several dragon tattoos on his ripped arms.

"Hey," said Minato, waving. He took a seat at the table between Bob 1 and Bob 2. "I don't suppose you could deal me in."

"Maybe next time," said Don. "You didn't tell me you were coming."

"Surprise," said Minato.

"You brought broads?" asked Bob 4.

"Hardly a broad," I said. "I'm Hannah."

"Oh," said Don. "The sarmassophobic."

I gritted my teeth. "Does _everyone_ know about that?"

"Pretty much."

"I am going to _massacre_ Dessie."

"Isn't massacre the murder of more than one person?" asked Kushina, taking a seat on Mianto's lap (making it clear she wasn't anyone else's broad except his). "How can you massacre just Dessie?'

"Oh," I said, sitting next to Don. "I'll find a way."

"She sounds menacing," said Don. "I'll bid thirty." He slid the proper amount of chips into the center of the table. "I like her."

"She's part of our world's best criminal organization," said Minato.

"The universe's best criminal organization," I corrected (Leader had 'taught' us all to say it that way – by taught I mean threatened to carve the words on our tongues if we didn't say it right).

"So what exactly is sarmassophobia?" asked Bob 2.

"No this again," I groaned.

"A fear of 'love play'," said Bob 4. "No fondling or caressing. She must be a pain to do it with."

I glared. "You'll never have the chance to know, will you?"

Bob 4 grinned. "I have all eternity to try." He paused and then tilted his head to the side. "So you died a virgin, huh?"

"Nope."

He blinked, looking taken aback. The other Bobs at the table and Don looked semi-puzzled too. However, most of them were too absorbed in their poker game to care all that much. Only Bob 4 and Kushina gave me their absolute attention.

"But you're afraid of that stuff…" said Bob 4.

"Yeah. But I had to do it first to know I'm terrified of it."

"Who'd you do it with?"

I smiled smugly. "Not that's a secret I'll take to the grave."

"But you're already dead."

"Not for long. I'll take it to the second grave."

"Not for long?" Don glanced up from his card game, curiosity written plainly across his face. "What do you mean?"

"I want to return to life," I said. "We already visited the Ferryman – but he's a douche, so Minato said to ask you."

"Me?" Don turned to Minato and smiled. "You sneaky bastard."

Minato shrugged. "My son was the one who killed her – I feel I owe her something in apology."

Don laughed. "Your son? That sweet, angelic boy?"

"I'd hardly call him angelic," I muttered.

Don leaned forward and whispered loudly to me. "Minato likes to talk about his son during our card games… A lot."

"I can't help it," said Minato. "He's adorable!"

Don wagged his finger at Minato before turning back to me. "So you want me to help you return to life? Seems interesting. And how do I do that exactly."

"Get me a meeting with the god of the Underworld."

He laughed. A deep, hearty laugh that shook the table. "Ren?"

"Who?"

"Ren is the god of the Underworld. He's… interesting."

"I've heard of a few god in my time," I said. "They were all interesting."

"Oh? Who have you heard of?"

"My friends worship Warg and Jashin. And I had a run in with Wargonia. My other friends met the Great Plant King Zetsu. I've met Squisher in person. He's an ass."

"Yes," said Don. "Squisher tends to do that."

"He needs to get laid," said Bob 3.

"He's blue," said Don. "Oddly colored people tend to have difficulties getting laid. That and he's a midget."

"My friend Kisame's blue," I said. "And he gets laid often. And apparently it's very good."

Don laughed. "Then he's one of the lucky ones."

"So," I said slowly. "About meeting Ren."

"Sure," said Don. "I can arrange a meeting."

"Really?" Immediately, I was suspicious. Nothing in this world is for free. Remember that. Nothing. Ever. If people say it's free – hit them over the head with a frying pan and say you stole it.

"But," said Don, showing his winning hand. "We have to play a game first. If you win, I'll get you a meeting with Ren."

"And if you win?" I asked.

"You have to tell me who you lost your virginity to."

"Damn." I could not lose this game. I glared at Don before saying, "Deal."

"Are you sure about this?" asked Kushina.

I shrugged. "Any game he can cheat at, I can cheat at better."

"Wow," said Don. "You already know how I operate. You're pretty good."

"Please," I said. "You wouldn't become the crime boss of the Underworld by following the rules."

Don smiled and then got to his feet. "Alright. Our poker game is on hold." He turned to me and offered his hand. I took it and let him lead me out of the room and down the hall to another room. Bobs 1, 2, 3, and 4, Minato, and Kushina followed us. We crowded into the room, which was a basic living room with three couches, a coffee table, and a television. Don motioned for everyone to take a seat while he moved to a cabinet across the room.

I remained standing while Bobs 1 and 3 shared a couch, Bobs 2 and 4 took the other couch, and Minato and Kushina sat down on the last couch. Don returned, holding a red plastic cup.

"What is the game?" I asked.

Don grinned and revealed the contents of the cup – five dice. "Yahtzee!"

"Really?" I asked. "That's the game that will decide my future."

"Yep."

I sighed. "Can't we play darts or Russian Roulette or something?"

"Nope. Yahtzee!

I took a seat on the couch next to Minato and Kushina, while Don sat down next to Bobs 2 and 4. Somehow, it was magically decreed that Don would go first. He rolled the dice. They spun across the table, stopping one at a time – 2, 5, 3, 1 ,4. Don grinned up at me. "Large straight," he said.

"Nice," I said. "And on the first rule too."

Bob 1 grinned. "Don is good at Yahtzee like that. He has incredible luck."

"Luck, I'm sure," muttered Kushina.

I sighed and picked up the dice. I shook the cup and then rolled. They spun across the table – 1, 3, 1, 3, 6. I left the threes and scooped up the rest of the dice to roll again – 2, 5, 1. I groaned and tried again – 1, 5, 6.

"I guess I'll just take the threes," I said.

"Hannah," said Kushina. "You're, um, terrible at Yahtzee."

"Are you sure we can't play Russian Roulette?" I asked.

Don laughed heartily. "Are your cheating skills not so great when it comes to Yahtzee."

"You're rolling dice around on a table," I said. "I didn't really bother to master that game."

"Not my fault," said Don. He scoops up the dice and rolled. They skidded across the table – 6, 6, 5, 1, 2. He left the sixes and rerolled the rest of the dice. "Full house!" he cried, looking at the dice. "Wow, I'm super lucky today!"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up." I picked up the dice and rolled – 1, 3, 5, 1, 6. Shaking my head, I picked up all the dice except the five and rolled. 1, 1, 4, 2. I rolled again – 2, 2, 6, 4. "I'll just do twos," I muttered, adding another terrible score to my list.

"Hannah," said Kushina slowly. "I hate to say this, but – _you suck_."

Don's turn came again, and he ended with four 6s. The lucky ass.

I sighed and scooped up the dice. I shook the cup and rolled, rather unenthusiastically – 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

I blinked. My mouth dropped open as I stared at the perfect role.

"A Yahtzee!" cried Kushina. "Hannah! You got a Yahtzee!"

I nodded mutely.

"You finally got lucky," said Don. He picked up the dice and went again. He ended up with four 5s, another great roll.

I picked up the dice and rolled again – 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

The Bobs, Kushina, and Minato were staring at my role in horror.

"You're cheating!" cried Bob 1.

"Not I'm not!" I snapped. "How am I cheating? Tell me. Or am I so good at cheating that I don't even know I'm cheating."

"You're luck's certainly turning," said Don. He picked up the dice and rolled a four of a kind with 6s.

I took the dice back and rolled. 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

"What is this!" cried Bob 1, leaping to his feet. "You're cheating! You're cheating! I swear your cheating!"

"I'm not," I repeating. "I'm just lucky, I guess."

Don eyed me suspiciously as he took the dice back. He took another turn and managed four 4s.

My turn – 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

"How are you doing that?" asked Bob 2 incredulously.

"Luck," I said.

"She's cheating!" cried Bob 1, jumping to his feet and pointing at me violently.

"Sit down," said Don, picking up the dice.

"You need to get laid," Bob 3 said as Bob 1 took a seat.

Don rolled four 3s and checked that off his sheet.

"You're having a great game," I said in awe. "Perfect score."

"Not as great as you," said Don.

I smiled and rolled again 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

"What is with all these sixes!" cried Bob 1.

"That's an obvious mark of cheating," snapped Bob 2. "She can only make it come up with sixes – that's why it's always 6s."

Don went – 6, 6, 6, 6, 5. The perfect Chance.

I went – 5, 5, 5, 5, 5.

"Oh," I said. "What are the odds of that?"

Don tipped his head back and laughed. "She's just toying with you," he told Bob 2.

"I'm not doing anything!" I cried.

I could describe the rest of the game to you in detail, but I think you have the idea. Don had the perfect game. The highest possible score on every category and a Yahtzee. But me? I just kept getting 6s. Lots and lots of 6s. Yahtzee after Yahtzee and Yahtzee. The game finally came to an end, but no one really felt like calculating the scores.

"You cheated," insisted Bob 2. "You cheated! You cheated! You cheated!"

"I did no such thing," I said. "I swear on my boyfriend's heart that I did not cheat."

"Your boyfriend is going to be short a heart," said Don.

"That's okay," I said. "He has five."

Don leaned back in his seat and grinned at me wickedly. "That is the first time I have been outclassed at cheating at Yahtzee. I have to commend you."

I shrugged. "My five-hearted boyfriend also taught me how to cheat at dice games."

"He sounds like a keeper," said Don.

I smiled, but didn't respond. "Don't you owe me a meeting with the god of the Underworld?"

Don nodded. "That I do."

* * *

**A/N: I don't know what happened in this chapter. I really don't. **

**REVIEW OR THE BOBS WILL COME FOR YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TAKE YOU TO THEIR BOB WORLD OF BOBINESS!**


	22. A Kiss To Make It Better

**Chapter Twenty-Two: A Kiss To Make It Better**

**Dessie**

_WARNING: Do not try to understand what exactly is going on in this chapter. Just go with it. Because, frankly, we don't know either._

How do I describe Remenhide, the god of changes? Hmm… I guess the words 'a fucking asshole' would sum him up pretty good, but it's not quit enough. Let's see. I can't really describe what he looks like because – surprise, surprise – he's always changing appearance (Get it, god of change – he changes his appearance! *insert streams of fake laughter here* Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either). One moment he's a tell, black-haired Hottie and then the next, he's as ugly as an overgrown toad. Yep. It was seriously mentally damaging.

We were transported to Remenhide's living room – which was constantly changing décor. Remenhide was standing in the doorway, looking extremely smug.

"Are you our new taskmaster?" asked Kakuzu irritably.

"Remenhide," he introduced himself. "Welcome to my humble abode."

We glanced around as the living room changed from having a black and white furniture to a bright orange and pink color scheme.

"Very, um, humble," said Konan.

"He seems like an overgrown asshole," said Hidan.

Either Remenhide didn't hear Hidan or he chose to ignore him, since Remenhide continued talking as if nothing had happened. "My task for you is simple. You have to get back to your right bodies."

We exchanged confused glanced.

"What are you on about?" asked Kisame.

Remenhide smiled and snapped his fingers.

And here comes the flash – the series of nausea – the shifting vision – the dizzy feeling in my head – the gut wrenching pain – the brief desire to blow something up. And then it was over.

I sat up and rubbed my aching head. And then froze. Why was my hair… so silky? I grabbed a handful of my hair. It was long… And blond… I leapt to my feet. Why was I suddenly taller! What – what – what – what is this!

I screamed. It was deeper than usual.

"Deidara, shut the fuck up," said Sasori.

"You're giving me a headache," said Konan.

"But I'm not Deidara!" I wailed. "I'm Dessie! I'm Dessie! I'm Dessie! Oh my god I;m not Dessie anymore!" I spun around and saw myself – messy black hair included – sitting on the ground looking quite confused.

"Why am I so small?" I asked.

I leapt across the room and grabbed myself by the collar and shook myself violently. "Give – me – my – body – back!"

"Deidara! Stop!" I tried to push myself away.

"I want my gorgeous body back!" I wailed. I pressed my hands against my new chest and screamed. "I'm as flat as a washboard!"

The other me – the one with my body – seemed rather startled by this news. She felt her own chest and her eyes widened in surprise. "I have breasts!" She checked her pants. "And my friend is gone!" She paused and then checked the chest again. "You know, Deidara-Dessie, you weren't lying – you have a real nice chest."

My eyes narrowed. "Who are you?"

"Kisame."

"When you get your body back, I am going to kick your ass." I paused. "But yes, they are real nice."

Me-Kisame grinned.

"Don't feel other girls chests!" cried Zetsu.

Me-Kisame and I turned to stare at Zetsu, who was sobbing miserably behind the leaves of his Venus flytrap.

"Kate?" asked Kisame nervously.

Zetsu nodded miserably. "My… body… I'm hideous! Don't look, Kisame!"

"That's offensive," said Itachi. "We're not that bad looking."

I sighed. "It doesn't help that you're saying that in the Original Hottie's body."

Itachi paused to consider this. "I'm Itachi?"

"Yes."

"You mean I'm actually attractive for once in my life!"

I nodded. "Really attractive."

Itachi smiled suggestively. "You want to have a little roll around."

"That's not a bad offer... Except I'm in Deidara's body."

"Oh right." Itachi turned to Me-Kisame. "How about you? You want to have a little fun?"

"Fuck no!"

"Don't even think about it," said Kisame.

"Oh," said Me-Kisame, avoiding Itachi by doing to cower behind Kisame. "I guess Itachi got my body. What's up other me?"

Kisame glared at Me-Kisame. "Hn."

"You know," I said, running my fingers through my long blond hair (except the mouths on my hands kept getting caught in the hair and had to cough up fur balls). "I've always wondered what it would he like to be blue."

"Hn."

"Itachi says he's never wondered that and he wishes he didn't have to know," said Me-Kisame cheerfully.

"It's really weird to hear 'hn's coming out of Kisame's mouth," said Sasori.

"And who are you?" I asked.

"Konan."

"Sasori can't be that bad," I said. "Except he doesn't have breasts. That's never good."

"Thank the gods I don't have breasts," said Madara.

"And now that was just weird," I said. "I'm assuming Sasori is inside Madara. Either that or Madara has new interests."

"I don't," said Tobi.

We all turned to stare at the orange masked man.

"You know," Zetsu said. "It's not that different from before."

Tobi sighed and crossed his arms. "I was hoping I would never have to wear this stupid mask again."

"Sucks to be you," said Me-Kisame.

"Shut up, Dessie," said Tobi.

"I'm Kisame."

"_I'm_ Dessie, you stupid Ferby," I said.

"Of course," said Tobi. "I knew there was something off about you. It was the lack of demeaning nickname."

"Sorry to disappoint, Ferby," said Me-Kisame.

"I think I prefer porcupine," muttered Tobi.

"We can change back, Porcupine," I said.

"Deidara," said Madara. "You're annoying."

"What did I do, uhn?" asked Kate.

Me-Kisame shrieked. "Why is my girlfriend suddenly making repulsive 'uhn' noises!"

Zetsu shuddered. "I don't want Deidara to be inside of me!"

I giggled maniacally. "Oh, Kate, you just had to say that."

Zetsu groaned and shook his head. "Dessie! Don't make everything perverted!"

Deidara paused and examined his chest carefully. "You know, Kate, your boobs are a lot smaller than I thought, uhn."

"You're an jerk!" Zetsu cried.

He rushed to Kisame's side to use his arm as something to cry on. Kisame looked very awkward and tried to pry Zetsu off. Finally, Me-Kisame pulled Zetsu away from Kisame. "_I'm_ over here. That would be Itachi, you're trying to use as a pillow."

Zetsu wiped a tear from his eye. "But you're a girl now!"

"And you're a guy," said Me-Kisame. "So we end up good in the end."

"Whoa!" I said, lifting my hands into the air. "I'm not interesting in a Zetsu and my body freak show going on here."

"We're not interested either," said Itachi.

"What is going on here?" Konan demanded.

Sasori groaned and turned to stare at herself. Konan stood in the middle of the living room, looking rather awkward and rather surprised at the sudden presence of breasts.

"You're me," said Sasori.

"No, I'm not!" cried Konan, staring at Sasori in outrage. "I'm Leader! I'm Leader! Why do I have boobs!"

"Because you were put in my body," said Sasori. "_I'm_ Konan."

"You're mentally deranged, Sasori," said Leader.

"I'm not," said Madara. "I'm really not."

"Says the person who makes puppets uhn," said Kate.

"Tobi is a good boy! Why is this happening to Tobi?"

We all turned to stare at Kakuzu, who had his hands fastened over his face, with a space between his right index finger and his right thumb to reveal only one of his eyes. Other than that, we could not see an inch of Kakuzu's face.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"I can't believe those words came out of my mouth," muttered Hidan.

"Oh hey, Kakuzu," I said. "I see you're in Hidan's body." I giggled. "What's it like in there?"

Kakuzu snorted. "Like you don't already know."

"Don't say that to _me_!" cried Kate.

"What the fuck is wrong with me!" Leader leapt to his feet and looked about the room wildly. "What are all these fucking weird thing in my face! What the fuck!" He caught sight of Remenhide and pointed at Remenhide madly. "What the fuck did you do to me!"

"Oh hey look," I said. "Hidan's inside of Leader." I giggled. "Get it?'

"We all got it," said Konan irritably. "But I ask a very good question – why are we like this?"

"It's your next task," said Remenhide. "You all have to return to your original bodies within twenty minutes of the switch. Which leaves you actually have about ten minutes left."

"How is this a task?" asked Sasori.

"How do we change places?" asked Tobi.

"It's a task because I said it is," said Remenhide. "And it's very amusing to watch." He laughed. "Oh, and you change places by kissing. However, each body can only kiss twice and then the effects will be permanent." He smiled and leaned against the door frame. "Good luck."

"Fucking asshole!" cried Leader.

"What are we going to do!" wailed Zetsu as Me-Kisame patted him on the shoulder.

"Two kisses?" cried Sasori. "Leader! Hurry up and kiss me!"

"What?" asked Konan.

"Kisame!" I leapt across the room to pull Me-Kisame away from Zetsu. "Kiss me. Right now. Sorry, Kate," I added. "But it has to be done."

"Deidara?" asked Zetsu.

"I'm Dessie!"

"But I don't want to make out with Deidara," said Kisame.

"I don't either," I cried. "But it has to be done!"

"_All of you shut up_."

I stopped trying to make out with Me-Kisame and turned to stare at Kisame. Kisame had an extremely serious expression on his face as his eyes scanned the Akatsuki. Finally, when he was sure he had everyone's attention, he said, "Shut up and stay calm. I will figure this out."

"_Kisame_ will save us?" asked Kate, looking rather skeptical.

"It's horrifying to see those words come out of my mouth," said Zetsu.

"I don't want to be Leader for all eternity!" cried Leader.

"Shut up," said Hidan. "I don't want to be you for eternity either."

I giggled maniacally for a second while Leader and Hidan turned to stare at me. "Hey, Kakuzu," I said, still snickering. "You're a Jashinist now."

"Hn," said Kisame, getting to his feet.

"He's got it!" cried Me-Kisame.

"What do we do!" exclaimed Leader. "What do we do! We only have seven minutes left!"

Kisame nodded grimly. "Listen to my carefully. Tobi kiss Sasori."

Kakuzu and Madara turned to stare at one another.

"My body is doing bad things," said Tobi irritably.

"Hurry up, uhn," snapped Kate. "I want my body back soon."

"Tobi apologizes!" Kakuzu flung his arms around Madara's neck and kissed him on the lips. There was a pause, where Kakuzu pushed Madara away, making a face and coughing.

"That was disgusting," croaked Kakuzu.

"Oh look," I said. "Sasori's now inside Kakuzu." My giggling returned. "I crack myself up."

"You're an idiot," said Tobi.

"Alright," said Kisame (it was weird seeing Kisame think thoroughly). "Now I need Tobi and Madara to kiss."

"Thank gods," said Tobi. "I get my body back."

"Tobi gets to kiss his split personality!" cried Madara. "Tobi is excited."

Madara slipped Tobi's mask to the side (so that none of us could see Tobi's face) and planted a kiss on his own lips. There were a pause and then Madara roughly shoved Tobi away.

"Done," said Madara. "I'm not kissing anyone else."

I sighed. "This is a fangirl's dream. Boy on boy never ending."

"Someone kill her," said Kakuzu.

Kisame ignored the death comments and continued with his work. "Alright, now Sasori has to kiss Konan."

Kakuzu groaned while Sasori looked practically elated.

"I get my actually body back," said Kakuzu.

"But I don't want to kiss Kakuzu," complained Sasori.

"Quit Konan," said Kakuzu.

He leaned over and planted a kiss on Sasori's lips. A second later, Kakuzu recoiled, plastering his hands over his mouth.

"Yuck!" cried Kakuzu. "Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again."

"Now Konan has to kiss Leader."

"Where's Leader?" asked Kakuzu.

"Here," said Konan, stepping forward.

Kakuzu grinned (rather frightening sight) and grabbed Konan's face with both hands and pressed his lips against hers. Then, Konan pushed away from Kakuzu and waltzed away joyously.

"I'm back!" she cried. "I'm back! I'm back!"

"Five minutes left, uhn," said Kate. "Itachi, hurry up."

"Next Leader has to kiss Hidan."

"And this is just _thrilling_," said Kakuzu, stepping face to face with Leader.

"I don't want to be this guy," groaned Leader.

"What's wrong with my body?" asked Hidan.

"You're body is great," said Leader. "Perfect build. Perfect hair. Perfect eyes. You're perfect."

"Hidan," I snapped. "Quit praising yourself and make out with Leader."

Kakuzu and Leader awkwardly pressed their lips together and then quickly stepped away, both of them looking repulsed. Leader eventually brightened up when he realized he had his own body back.

"Alright," said Kisame. "Hidan and Kakuzu."

I snickered. "Hidan and Kakuzu are inside each other."

"Dessie!" cried Konan. "Will you stop already?"

Kakuzu made a face. "I'm _only_ doing this to get my fucking body back."

"Same here," said Hidan gruffly. And then they kissed.

I sniggered. "And the fangirls go wild."

Kakuzu flipped me off the moment the kiss ended and stormed to the other side of the room to remain as far away from Hidan as possible. Hidan had drawn his scythe and was trying to figure out how best to decapitate me."

"Four minutes left, uhn!" cried Kate.

"I'm going," said Kisame. "Dessie and Kisame."

"Sorry, Kate," I said, stepping forward to stand face to face with Me-Kisame. "When you think about it, it's really only me kissing myself."

Kisame cringed. "I'm not being unfaithful, Kate, I promise."

Zetsu nodded grimly. "I know."

"This is repulsive," said Itachi. "It makes us want to throw up."

I planted my lips (technically they were Deidara's) on Kisame's (technically they were my own lips). I felt a tug on my chest – a sense of nausea – a shifting feeling – a dizziness in my head – the strong desire to rule the world. I opened my eyes.

"Damn," I said, pushing Deidara away. "I'm a good kisser."

"It was all my technique," said Deidara.

"Kisame," I said. "I've heard enough about you from Kate – I'm just such a good kisser that my body makes your kissing good."

Deidara turned to glare at Zetsu. "Kate!"

"Sorry!" cried Zetsu. "It was only when we first started dating! You're great now!"

"Two more minutes!" wailed Kate.

"Fine, fine," said Kisame. "Kisame kiss Kate."

"Hell yeah," said Deidara. He hopped across the room and plastered his lips on Kate's. Then Kate pulled away and slapped Deidara across the face. "Don't touch me, you pervert! My one and only love is Kisame!"

Zetsu sighed. "He would do that."

"You forgot about Madara, uhn," said Deidara, rubbing his sore cheek irritably.

"Why would I be attracted to that overgrown porcupine?" asked Kate in an unnaturally high-pitched voice.

"He's a psychopath," said Itachi.

"Now Kisame has to kiss Kate," said Kisame.

Kate bounded cheerfully across the room and grabbed Zetsu's face. "I love you too," she said, and then kissed Zetsu (quite passionately, I might add).

"Kisame!" wailed Kate, pushing Zetsu away. "Quit telling me you love me in my own body!"

Zetsu laughed. "But it was fun being you – and besides, now Dessie can make her Kisame was inside Kate joke and it will actually make sense."

"But now it's not funny anymore."

Kisame ignored all of us and continued on his mission. "Kisame kiss my body."

Zetsu waddled across the room and grabbed Itachi by the shoulders. "Time to come back to the Venus flytrap, Zetsu." And then planted a kiss on Itachi's lips.

Itachi pulled away and sprinted across the room to Kisame's side. "This is the last part, right?"

Kisame nodded.

And (fangirl appreciation moment here) Itachi kissed Kisame. Then, they both pulled away and, acting as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, walked across the room. Kisame rushed to Kate's side and scooped her up into a giant bear hug.

"That was fun!" he cried.

Kate looked mortified for a moment, and then she laughed and hugged Kisame back. "Yeah."

"It looks like you figured it out in time," said Remenhide with a disappointed sigh. "Oh well, it was entertaining while it lasted."

"Itachi is just too boss for you," I said.

"Oh well," said Rememnhide. "My inner yaoi craving has been satisfied."

Hidan shuddered. "Not the fans. Anything but the yaoi fans…"

"You know you secretly enjoyed it," said Kisame, still hugging Kate around the shoulders.

"You're the one who enjoyed it, you sick pervert," snapped Hidan. "Running around kissing everyone left and right."

"We were running out of time," said Kisame. "Besides, I got to kiss Kate multiple times. What task that involves me kissing Kate isn't fun?"

"A lot," I said.

"Well," said Remenhide. "I guess I should send you back from the next task…"

"What's going on here?"

A woman with long silver hair appeared in the doorway behind Remenhide. She was beautiful, with a delicate face and long, slender arms. However, her stomach was swollen with pregnancy. She caught sight of us in the living room and a slight frown appeared on her delicate face.

"I didn't know we had guests," she told Remenhide.

"Sorry, Sweetie," said Remenhide. "Did I wake you?"

"No. I was already awake." She turned to us with a glorious smile. "Hello, I'm Yola, the goddess of pregnancy and Remenhide's wife. Nice to meet you."

"She seems nice," said Kate.

Oh how little did we know just how _wrong_ those words would turn out to be.

* * *

**A/N: First off, well SORRY I suck at coming up with death threats. Come up with top notch death threats every single chapter for three books - you run out of stuff to say! I was also in a rush to get somewhere. BLAH! REVIEW OR I WILL STOP DOING THESE RIDICULOUS DEATH THREATS AND ASK YOU TO REVIEW NICELY LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON! I'll say "Please review. I really like it when you review and it makes me happy... So please, please, please with a pretty cherry on top, review." Then they you people will be like "Oh, she's so nice = she said PLEASE - well, we just have to review now." And we'll all be a lot more happy but with a lot less laughter!**

**...**

**Scratch that. I don't like being cutesy when asking for reviews.**

**REVIEW! OR I WILL UNLEASH MY ULTIMATE WRATH AS AN AUTHOR! I WILL KILL OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN THE MOST GRUESOME, UNFUNNY, UNARTISTIC WAYS. NOT ONLY THAT, I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE PAIRINGS AND TURN THIS HUMORFEST OF A STORY INTO A SAPPY DRAMA WHERE EVERYTHING IS WAY TOO SERIOUS! SO YOU'D BETTER REVIEW, BECAUSE I HAVE TO POWER TO TURN THIS FAIL ATTEMPT AT A STORY INTO A LIVING NIGHTMARE THAT IS A DISGRACE TO THE WORD 'STORY'. **


	23. Pregnant Goddesses Are Bitches

**A/N: **Just to make things clear, this chapter contains the time skip. Stuff written in [ ] takes place ten years in the future. I'm putting the A/N here just to straighten this out.

So, READ AND REVIEW OR YOLA WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT LIKE THE BITCH SHE IS.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Pregnant Goddesses Are Bitches**

**Kate**

["This is my favorite part!" cried Kisame eagerly.

"I'm telling the story," I cried. "Don't interrupt."

"You haven't started yet," said Kisame. "I just wanted to say that this was my favorite part… It builds up anticipation."

"I thought your favorite part was coming up in my chapter," said Dessie.

"Oh right," said Kisame. "That part was pretty good too."

"Can we get on with the story, uhn?" asked Deidara irritably.

Kisame yawned and stretched across the couch. "But I love this part…"

"Then let Kate tell it," snapped Dessie.

"Okay, okay," Kisame prodded me in the side. "Go tell your story, Kate – but make sure you tell it _well_."]

* * *

Well, now that we had that confusing start to the story with Kisame's rude interruption, let me bring us back to the Dale where we had just finished a task in Remenhide's, the god of changes, household. His wife, Yola, the goddess of pregnancy, appeared and sent him to go look after the kids for a moment. Remenhide obeyed her without question and we were left in the living room with the beautiful, pregnant Yola.

"Hi," said Konan awkwardly.

"Hello," said Yola, smiling cheerfully. "So you're the Akatsuki I've heard so much about?"

We nodded mutely.

"It's been a long time since anyone has come to the Dale in hopes of bringing a friend back to life. It's nice to get to meet you."

Deidara leaned over and whispered to Hidan and Dessie. "Why is she so fat?"

BANG.

A baby rattle flew across the room and whacked Deidara directly in the forehead. Deidara stood there for a moment, looking completely confused. Then his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell to the ground with a crash.

"I'm not fat," said Yola flatly. "I'm pregnant – _there's a difference_."

"Of course there is!" I cried, raising my hands into the air to black my face incase she decided to throw another baby toy at my head too.

"As long as you understand that," said Yola.

"So…" said Dessie slowly. "As the goddess of pregnancy are you, um, always pregnant?"

"Pretty much," said Yola, calming down a little. "I have maybe a month between pregnancies, but…" She giggled. "Remenhide and I never wait too long."

"Right," said Dessie. "Sounds _fascinating_."

Yola's eyes narrowed. "Are you making fun of me?"

Dessie considered this for a second. "Only if you want me to."

"I don't."

"Then no, I'm not making fun of you."

* * *

["That was actually pretty clever," said Konan. "Avoiding her wrath like that."

"Thanks," said Dessie, shifting her position on the couch and elbowing Kisame in the ribs in the process. "I just didn't want to end up like Deidara."

"Hey," said Kisame. "Now who's interrupting the story?"

"You're the one who started it," said Konan. "It's a chain reaction effect. Now we're never going to get to tell this chapter properly."

"But it's my favorite chapter!" cried Kisame.

"Your fault," said Konan.

"Can I tell the story now?" I asked.

Konan sighed. "Sure, go ahead. But it won't be long before you're interrupted again.]

* * *

And once again, I am rudely interrupted. Thank you, Konan. So, where was I? Oh right, Yola was scaring us all half to death with her pregnant women wrath.

"So how are you enjoying the Dale?" she asked, taking a seat on one of the permanently altering sofas.

"It's, um, pretty," I said.

"Are you kidding?" asked Yola, her voice darkening. "It's _gorgeous_. It is the home of the _gods_. It should be _beyond perfection_."

"That's what I meant!" I cried. "It's what I meant! I was just so overtaken by your beauty that I couldn't think of the proper word! Honest! Honest! I meant perfection! I meant beyond perfection! Don't kill me!"

"Are you making fun of me?" asked Yola, her eyes narrowing.

"No!"

"She's making fun of me," said Yola.

"Definitely," said Hidan. "She's laughing at you and your pregnancy behind your back and calling you a whore who can't keep it in your pants."

Yola pulled out another baby rattle.

"Her words, not mine," said Hidan.

I shrieked and dove behind Kisame for protection.

* * *

["You should have used Dessie's strategy," said Sasori.

"Stop interrupting!" I wailed.

"I think Kisame is a pretty good shield," said Dessie thoughtfully. "He has a big blue back. And we all know blue is the best protective color."

"That makes no sense," said Sasori.

Kisame kicked Dessie off the couch. "Stop interrupting the story to talk about my sexy blue back!"]

* * *

"So do you have any kids?" asked Yola.

"What?" squeaked Konan.

Yola leaned back on the sofa and yawned. "You. The Akatsuki. Do any of you have children?"

We all exchanged nervous glances.

"No," said Kakuzu.

"Most of us are single," said Konan. "The only people in relationships are Kate and Kisame."

"And Kakuzu and Hannah," added Dessie.

"But we've just explained that there's no romance in their relationship," said Konan. "Do we need to keep saying they're together?"

"No romance?" asked Yola. "Oh sarmassophobia."

"Does everyone know about that!" wailed Dessie. "She's going to massacre me…"

"A massacre involves more than one person," said Itachi. "She can't massacre just you."

Dessie snorted. "Oh, she'll find a way."

* * *

["I said the exact same thing," said Hannah.

"Stop interrupting!"

"Weird, isn't it," said Dessie, trying to slid her way back up onto the couch, but Kisame kept pushing her down every time she tried. "I guess I know you just too well."

"I told you," said Konan. "It's a chain reaction. Once Kisame started it, there will be no end to the interruptions."

I groaned. "I just want to tell the story…"]

* * *

"So none of you have kids?" asked Yola in disgust.

"Well," I said. "The majority of us aren't even thirty. It's not like we're in a rush."

"In your world girls used to try to get pregnant the moment they got their first period. You've had your period for seven years and you haven't even tried to have a baby once. That's just sad."

My eyes bugged out of my head. "How do you know when I got my period!"

"I know things," said Yola.

Kisame started counting in his head. "So Kate was sixteen when she got her first period… Is that normal?"

"It's late!" cried Dessie. "I got my first one when I was ten."

"You were ridiculously early!" I snapped.

"I was fourteen," said Konan. "Except had spent the last few years living with just Yahiko, Leader, and Jiraiya. When my period started none of us had any idea what was going on…"

Dessie doubled over, trembling with laugher. "I can see Leader freaking out because you're bleeding for no reason…"

A slight blush crossed Leader's face and he refused to look at Konan. "Jiraiya explained it eventually."

Dessie couldn't stop laughing.

"So how old was the sarmassophoic?" asked Yola.

"Thirteen," said Dessie. "She was late too."

"That's _normal_!" I cried. "You're the weird one!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Dessie.

* * *

["Why is this your favorite chapter again?" asked Kakuzu.

"It's coming!" cried Kisame.

"But the period stuff is funny," cackled Dessie, still trying to sneak back onto the couch. Kisame pushed her back off.

"I don't want to hear all this stuff _again_," groaned Hidan.

"I was unconscious for this…" said Deidara slowly.

I groaned a slapped the palm of my hand to my forehead. "Can I finish the story yet!"]

* * *

"You guys are strange," said Yola.

"We get that a lot," said Zetsu thoughtfully. "I wonder why that is."

"So says the half-black, half-white cannibalistic Venus flytrap, uhn," muttered Deidara.

"I hope he never has kids," I said, giggling.

Yola's eyes narrowed. "Why are you cursing him to never have kids?"

I blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Everyone deserves to have kids," snapped Yola. "Everyone has the potential to be a good parent! Even a whacked-out cannibalistic Venus flytrap!"

"Um, okay," I said.

"You guys…" Yola shook her head. "You've never had kids, yet you judge people about who would be a good parent and who wouldn't! The Venus flytrap might be the best parent out of all of you! What if the sarmassophobic was actually a great mother! What if the blond girl was a terrible mom! How are you to know! None of you are parents! None of you have ever given birth – you should all know the pain of being parents!"

"Eep." I cowered behind Kisame.

* * *

["Very heroic, Kate, uhn," said Deidara.

"You were unconscious," I snapped. "That's even less heroic that I was."

"He was bravely unconscious," said Dessie.

"Thank you, uhn," said Deidara. "At least someone understands my heroicness."

"Can we got on with the story?" asked Kisame irritably.

Dessie jumped onto the couch and thrust her hands into the air. "Victory, bitches! I have conquered the couch! Call me your Evil Overlord of the Extreme Squishy Pillows!"

Kisame kicked her back off the couch.

"Ouch."

"You deserved that," said Madara.

"Can I finish the story!" I wailed.]

* * *

No. More. Interruptions. Please! You're breaking up the flow of the story! So… Where were we? Oh right.

"Parenthood is a sacred and delicate thing! Birth is a holy ritual! Yes, it involves pain! Much pain! But it's because you are giving birth to _life_ – do you know the power of _life_! No! Because you're all single and stupid and without kids! Kids are a blessing to their parents! Kids are a credit to their parents value! But you're all useless! Yet somehow you have the guts to insult someone else's ability to be a parent! You're all pathetic!"

"How did we get on this topic?" whispered Hidan.

"I have no idea…" said Kakuzu.

"_I will curse you all with pregnancy_!" screamed Yola. "Even the males! I can make m-preg a reality! And I'm not afraid to do it! Know the pain of being a woman!"

"Hell no," said Felix, suddenly taking control. "I'm confused enough as it is – there is know way I am becoming a homosexual man stuck in a pregnant woman's body – that's just fucking weird!"

"Yes," muttered Sasori. "Because just being a homosexual man stuck in a woman's body is just that much less weird."

"Sarcasm is not appreciated!" screamed Yola.

"Sorry!" I shrieked. "We're sorry! We don't mean it! We're just a bunch of psychopaths! Ignore us! Please! Sorry!"

Yola grabbed me by the wrist. Kisame tried to pull me back, but Yola threw a dumdum at him and Kisame fell back, clutching his eye where the dumdum had hit him.

"She's insane," said Kisame.

"Possibly more insane than us," said Konan. "And that's _saying_ something."

"Let me go!" I cried, struggling against her grip. "Let me go! I promise I'll never insult pregnancy or parenthood again! Parenthood is great! The best thing ever! Let me go!"

FLASH! A red light shot through the middle of the living room.

We all spun around to stare at the new arrival. I tried to escape Yola in the moment of distraction, but her grip remained iron. In the center of the living, Aram – in all his godly glory – appeared. He grinned wickedly. "What's up, Yola?"

"Four," she said, darkly.

"Are you taking good care of my little criminals?" asked Aram.

Yola lifted my hand into the air. "You're little criminals have no respect."

"Well, yes," said Aram. "They are criminals. I don't recall any criminals who claimed respect was their strong point."

Yola's eyes narrowed.

"So," said Aram. "Are you going to let Kate go or do I have to take her from you?"

"Don't assault the pregnant woman," said Yola. "That never ends well."

"Please let me go!" I wailed. "Let me go! Pregnancy is great! I love pregnancy! Let me go! Parenthood is great too! As soon as we get back, I'll make sure to get pregnant and become a good mommy! Just let me go!"

"A good mommy?" A twisted smile crossed Yola's face.

"What?" My voice was unusually high pitched.

"Oh!" cried Yola. She released my wrist and clapped her hands together. "That's a great idea! I like you!"

"Oh shit…" said Aram.

"What?" I asked. "What's going on? I don't like this!"

Yola lifted her right hand and then smack it against my stomach.

"Ouch!" I cried. "What are you doing?"

"Congratulations, Kate!" cried Yola. "You're pregnant with your own split personality."

…

…

…

"WHAT!"

* * *

["See," said Kisame, beaming proudly. "That's why it's my favorite part."]


	24. Princess Fou Mia

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Princess Fou Mia**

**Hannah**

Again, I cannot describe my journey from Don's home to the god of the Underworld's castle. Yes, he lives in a castle. It's ridiculous. It's made of black stone and towers over its surroundings with menace. I wouldn't have been surprised if a dark cloud swarmed over head with lightning striking down while crows soared around the turrets, making an awful squawking racket. Ren's castle is nothing but cliché evil. I think it's stupid. He thinks it's funny. Just to show where we differ.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. In the story, I haven't met Ren yet. Let's enjoy these last few minutes of sanity and start the story off where Kushina, Minato, and I were waiting for a meeting with the god of the Underworld. Upon arrival at the castle, we were ushered inside and led to a small side chamber with comfortable black sofas and told to wait for Ren to be ready.

Kushina and Minato made themselves comfortable, while I stood upright, my face set in a permanent grimace.

"You look so uptight," said Kushina.

"I want to live," I said.

"It's not the end of the world if he says no," said Kushina. "Just the end of your life."

"Yes," I muttered. "Because that's not terrible at all."

"Sarcasm detected," said Minato cheerfully.

We stayed in awkward silence for a minute. Then, Minato said, in an attempt to gain some conversation, "Kushina, remember when we first arrived in the Underworld?"

Kushina nodded. "Where did you wind up again?"

"I woke up in a forest," Minato said, mainly for my benefit. "With trees all around and the sound of birds…"

"I like a bar better," I said.

"I woke up in a men's hot springs," said Kushina.

Minato turned bright red. "You never told me it was a _men's_ hot spring."

"Oops." Kushina laughed. "I really don't know why I woke up there. It's not like I spent a lot of time at hot springs, let alone men's hot springs."

"Aren't you supposed to wake up where you're most comfortable?" I asked.

"Not in my case," said Kushina innocently.

Minato scowled. "Sure…"

"Well, that's suspi–"

"RUN! CATCH HER! CATCH HER! SHE'S ESCAPING!"

We simultaneously turned to stare at the door. Somewhere on the other side of it, someone was screaming at the top if his lungs. Another voice rose to answer him.

"We can't! She's too fast!"

"CATCH HER! PRINCESS FOU MIA! COME BACK!"

There was a loud crashing noise and then silence. I glanced over my shoulder at Kushina and Minato, who looked equally confused.

"Well that was interesting," I said.

"Open the door!" cried Kushina.

"Why?"

"Don't you want to see what's happening?" asked Kushina, hopping to her feet.

"Why?"

Kushina frowned. "They might be in trouble. Or Princess Fou Mia is…"

There was a bang and a crash and a whack outside.

I glanced at the door and then back to Kushina. I shrugged. "They seem to have it under control."

"Hannah!"

I sighed and walked across the room. "Fine, fine. You owe me one." I gripped the door handle and, with another sigh, swung it open.

Standing in the hallway outside was a man. He was rather tall and thin, dressed in a simple black kimono that matched his medium-length black hair and dark black eyes. He was attractive, no doubt about that. Dessie would certainly include him in her list of Hotties… I'll try to come up with a name for him. Man-Hottie. Dark-Hottie. Black-Hottie. Okay. No. I suck at this. Anyways, I flung open the door and he was standing in the hall. His hands were crossed over his chest and he was pouting. The moment the door opened, his eyes shot straight to me. We stared at one another and then a grin shot across his face.

"Great!" he cried. "Help me!"

"What?"

He grabbed my wrist and before I could protest, he was dragging me down the hallway as fast as his legs could carry him.

"Wait!" I cried, stumbling along beside him. "Wait! What!"

"We must catch Princess Fou Mia!" he cried. "She's on the run! Faster! Faster! Faster!" He tipped his head back and laughed like a maniac.

"Princess Fou Mia!" I felt sorry for the princess, having such a terrible name.

"She's the most beautiful princess alive! All the other princesses in the universe bow before the princess's beauty. She is perfection come to life – something even the gods find impossible! But Princess Fou Mia is perfection for truth!"

"What!"

The man yanked me down a side hall and to a stairwell, spiraling down several stories below ground. I groaned as I started sprinting down them, but I had barely gotten more that ten steps, when the man scooped me up in his arms and jumped over the railing. I flung my arms around his neck and screamed as we plummeted down, down, down to our deaths.

He landed lightly on the ground and without missing a beat, he kept running at break neck speed.

"Where are we going, you lunatic!" I cried.

"To catch Princess Fou Mia!"

"But I don't want to catch Princess Fou Mia!"

The man laughed. "Who doesn't want to catch Princess Fou Mia? She is the finest catch in the whole universe!"

"She's running away from you for a reason!"

Still carrying me bridal-style, the man turned a sharp right through and open doorway and skidding to a halt inside a gigantic kitchen. People dressed in black chef outfits stood there, sizzling pan fried food and baking buttery dessert. A sweet smell wafted through the kitchen, surrounding me and the maniac carrying me.

The chefs all froze as we entered the kitchen and turned. They took one look at me and bowed.

I blinked. "What the hell…?"

"Have you seen princess Fou Mia?" asked the man.

One of the chefs – a hefty woman – shook her head. "No, my lord."

My lord? I twisted my head around to stare at the handsome man holding me. He grinned, showing all of his bright white teeth and winked (what?).

"I guess Princess Fou Mia isn't here," he said. He spun around and sprinted out of the kitchen and back down the hallway again.

"You!" I cried, clinging to him for my dear life. "You're Ren! You're a god!"

"Why yes I am!" he shouted back. "Thanks for telling me! I didn't know that!" he laughed maniacally at his own pathetic joke. "And you are? Have you seen Princess Fou Mia?"

The hall came to a dead end. I could see the black bricks directly in front of us. Ren wasn't slowing down. He continued sprinting at full godly speed towards the brick wall. He was going to kill us.

"Slow down!" I cried.

"If we slow down, we'll never catch her!" cried Ren. "What's your name?"

"You're going to kill us!"

"Impossible," said Ren, the laughter returning with renewed insanity. "I'm a god and you're dead – at worst I'll cause us severe pain!"

"How is that any better!" I stared at the wall that was drawer closer. "I want my frying pan!"

Wall. Drawing. Closer. Three. Two. One–

Ren swung his right leg up and kicked the brick wall. The wall trembled and the stones came crashing down around us, shattering into piles of debris and pebbles. Ren didn't miss a beat. He leapt over the remains of the wall and charged through the hole, still carrying me in his arms.

"Why aren't we in severe pain?" I asked, clutching his kimono tightly.

"Silly!" cried Ren, sprinting through a new corridor. "If I had smashed into the wall, then we wouldn't be able to catch Princess Fou Mia."

"Wait… So if we weren't chasing after Fou Mia you would have smashed into the wall?"

Ren laughed. "It would have been fun."

I screamed. "Put me down! Put me down! I will smash you over the head with my frying pan of mass destruction! As soon as I get it back! Put me down! You're going to kill me – _again_! And I will find a way to come back and massacre your godly ass!"

Ren's laughter doubled. "I like you!"

"I just threatened to kill you!"

Ren turned left and we entered a gigantic underground pool room – which took extravagant to a whole new level, complete with a waterslide, a diving board, and a tanning salon. The room was entirely empty except for the sloshing blue waters of the pool.

"Princess Fou Mia!" cried Ren, running around to pool scanning the area for any signs of the renegade princess. "Are you here!"

There was no response.

"Nope!' cried Ren.

He turned to go, but his foot slipped on the tile floor. Before either of us knew what was happening (though I suspect Ren might have done it on purpose) we plunged into the pool.

Water surged over my head and I found myself faced with the challenging problem of a lack of air. I flapped my arms and kicked my legs and my body moved upwards to the surface. I gasped for air and coughed up whatever water was in my lungs. Ren surfaced next to me, laughing like the crazy psychopath he was.

"You're an idiot," I snapped.

"I felt like taking a swim today," said Ren, floating on his back.

I scowled, my legs treading water beneath me. "What about Princess Fou Mia?"

Ren grinned. "She'll turn up eventually."

"_Then why did you run around like a madman trying to find her_!"

"Because it was fun." Ren uprighted himself and joined me in treading water. "I wouldn't have gotten to meet you if I wasn't chasing down Princess Fou Mia. And you're fun. I like you."

"You're insane. I don't like you."

"Ouch!" cried Ren, clutching his chest where is heart would be. "The pain! Rejection! I've never felt this before! It burns! It burns!"

I paddled towards the edge of the pool, but Ren caught my wrist and pulled me back.

"Don't ruin the swim party!" he cried.

"I can't believe you're the god of the Underworld," I said and splashed him in the face.

Ren coughed on the water, but didn't let go of my wrist. He turned to me with a wild glint in his black eyes. "Now that's just begging for a fight."

My eyes narrowed. "No."

Ren drew back his arm in the water. An evil expression had crossed him face.

"No."

He splashed me.

I. Was. Not. Amused.

"You asshole," I said, wiping the water from my eyes.

"You thought it was funny," said Ren. "You just like to pretend it wasn't – because it makes you cool. You _actually_ want to splash me back and get revenge, but your obese ego won't let you." Ren giggled. "Ego's are for losers."

"Are you really trying to bait me with that insult?" I asked.

I pushed his hand from my wrist and paddled back to the edge of the pool. I hoisted myself out of the water and sat down on the side of the pool, my legs dangling in the water. I glared at the ridiculous god in front of me, treading water and grinning like an obnoxious idiot.

"Look," I began. "I need a fa–"

Something licked my face.

I spun around to see what wet thing had stroked my cheek, but the quick movement knocked me off balance and with a quick "Eep!" I fell into the pool again.

I resurfaced with a gasp of air and turned to see Ren cackling delightedly at my humiliation.

"See!' cried Ren. "You secretly love the water! You're actually… a sea nymph!"

I glared at him and then turned to see what wild thing had attacked me with its tongue. The gold-spotted-black face of a giant cat with golden eyes stared at me. It blinked. I blinked. It yawned, showing off its sharp teeth. I spun around to glare at Ren.

"What is _that_?" I asked.

"Princess Fou Mia!" cried Ren.

"She's a cheetah."

Ren nodded enthusiastically. "She's my pet cheetah. My beloved and adorable Princess Fou Mia."

"_How did you expect to catch a cheetah by running_!"

"I didn't." said Ren. "It was just fun."

Insert massive facepalm moment here.

"You're crazy," I said.

"I'm a god. It's really the same thing."

* * *

**A/N: I love Ren. **

**REVIEW OR PRINCESS FOU MIA WILL TEACH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF WILD BEAST AND RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES WITH HER UNNATURAL SHARP TEETH WHILE REN YELLS AT YOU FROM THE SIDELINES ABOUT HOW YOU'LL GIVE THE PRINCESS INDIGESTION.**


	25. Reject Versus Reject

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Reject Versus Reject**

**Dessie**

Aram groaned. "I knew this was going to happen…"

I was still trying to compute what the fuck just happened. I was standing with the Akatsuki and Aram in the middle Remenhide's ever-changing living room. Yola, the goddess of pregnancy, was standing on the other side of the room with Kate. And – apparently – she has just made Kate pregnant with Felix. What the hell!

"W-w-wait…" said Kate slowly. "You can't be serious."

"Of course I'm serious," said Yola. "You said you wanted to be pregnant, so I made you pregnant. Don't tell me you're going to complain now." Her eyes narrowed menacingly. I had the feeling complaining was out of the question.

"Felix?" croaked Kate. "Felix? Where is he?"

"Inside your uterus," said Yola. "He can't answer you from in there."

"Felix!"

Nothing.

"Kate…" I said slowly. "I think you might… um, actually be pregnant… with your homosexual split personality."

"Who's the father?" asked Kisame eagerly.

"That's all you care about!" cried Kate.

"Madara," said Yola.

Kate shrieked.

"_What_!" cried Kisame, gripping his sword.

"Kidding, kidding," said Yola with a tinkling laugh. "There is no father. I just created the pregnancy myself. Felix will have all of Kate's DNA."

"But I don't want a baby!" wailed Kate. "I'm all for natural pregnancy! Natural!"

"Quit complaining," said Yola, pushing Kate back to us. Kisame caught Kate, a look of relief clearly plastered on his face. Yola smiled. "Four, you're overstaying your welcome. Time to go."

Aram sighed. "You just impregnated Kate and you want us to just leave…"

Yola's scowled. "That wasn't a question, Four. When I say – leave. I mean – _leave now or I will show you the true meaning of M-preg._"

"Oh, look at the time," said Aram, checking his wrist.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Time to go."

A red orb started to appear in front of Aram, filling the now sea-themed living room with a bright red light.

"Wait!" cried Kate. "I'm having a baby now and you're… you're just going to _leave_."

"If you want to reason with her," said Aram. "You're welcome to – but do it on your own time. I like not having babies." He paused and glanced at Kate's stomach. "Oh sorry."

"The weirdness of this is giving me a headache," said Sasori. He stepped into the orb and there was a flash of light.

"This isn't funny!" cried Kate.

"Actually," said Hidan. "It's pretty fucking hilarious."

"Kisame!"

Kisame, who had been trying to muffle his own laughter, managed to keep a straight face as he said, "Yes?"

"Hidan's being mean to me."

Kisame nodded, still trying to suppress his mirth. "Right…" He grabbed Hidan roughly around the shoulders. "Shall we take this back to Aram's place?"

"Wait!" cried Aram. "Don't wreck my house! Wreck Yola's! Wreck Yola's!"

But before Aram could stop them, Kisame and a struggling Hidan stepped into the orb and with a flash of bright red light, they disappeared.

"Are you trying to make me mad, Four?" asked Yola irritably.

Aram laughed awkwardly. "Of course not… I just happen to like my house a lot…"

"I'm mad!" wailed Kate. "Why does no one quake in fear when I'm mad!"

Konan patted Kate on the shoulder comfortingly. "You haven't to actually be scary for people to quake in fear when you're mad. You just don't have that scary factor mastered just yet."

I grinned. "Ten bucks says she'll _never_ have the scary factor mastered."

"No one's stupid enough to take that bet," said Kakuzu, before stepping into the portal and disappearing in a flash.

"He's got a point," said Zetsu. He stepped forward and followed Kakuzu back to Aram's mansion.

"I hate those things," said Leader, eyeing the orb suspiciously.

"Tobi thinks the orbs are fun!" cried Tobi running forward excitedly. "Tobi thinks orbation is the new transport!" He leapt into the orb and disappear in a flash of red light.

Leader gritted his teeth and, with Konan at his side, he stepped into the orb.

"I'm not going!" cried Kate. "I don't want to be pregnant!"

"That's not what you said," muttered Yola irritably. "You said you'd get pregnant as soon as you got home. I was just speeding up the process for you."

"I was lying!" wailed Kate.

"And I called your bluff," said Yola sharply. "Now leave!"

Kate looked close to tears. She turned to me. "Dessie…"

"You brought this upon yourself."

Kate frowned. "Fine. When you accidentally get knocked up after having too much fun one night, see if I help you."

"Please," I said, waving her words away. "I _want_ to have kids."

"You do?" asked Yola, raising her hand. "I can help you with that."

"Not yet," I said quickly. "After we get Hannah back. But I will have kids. I want them." A wild grin crossed my face and I embraced it. I probably looked a little bit like a maniac, standing there grinning and snickering, but then again, maybe that was just my imagination.

"Dessie with kids will be a scary thing…" muttered Deidara.

"Hn," Itachi agreed.

"I have plans for those little shits," I said. "Big plans. They'd better no disappoint me."

"On second thought," said Yola. "Maybe I should make her infertile…"

I glanced at Yola, who seemed pretty prepared to rob me of my ability to have children, and decided it was time to try out this new orbation technique. I sprinted towards the glowing red orb and jumped into it. There was a flash – and then nothing.

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the floor of Aram's extravagant living room. Hidan and Sasori were sitting on a white couch to my left. Hidan's arms were crossed and he was scowling across the room at Kisame, who was sharing a sofa with Leader and Konan. Kisame looked smug, even with Tobi hopping around the room declaring himself to be a kangaroo (I honestly have no idea).

Kakuzu and Zetsu were sitting on the finally couch. Both of them were eyeing Tobi suspiciously and I think Zetsu was debating whether to bite of Tobi's head or not.

"What's up?" I asked, getting to my feet and joining Hidan and Sasori on their couch.

"Waiting for Aram and the rest," said Leader. He shot Tobi a death-glare.

"Tobi is a kangaroo-roo! Hop! Hop! Goes the kangaroo-roo!"

"He's stupid," I announced.

"Look, Dessie-Nunu! Tobi is a kangaroo-roo! Can Dessie-Nunu see Tobi? Can she?"

"I can see…" I called back. "You're a great kangaroo – but I don't think kangaroos can _talk_."

Tobi shut up and continued hopping.

"Thank you…" groaned Kakuzu. "He was giving me a headache."

Insert flash of obnoxious red light here.

We all turned to see Deidara, Itachi, and Madara, who were smirking uncontrollable (except Itachi, he just looked icily cool as always). Apparently I had missed out on something extremely entertaining. Damn.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Kate is extremely upset," said Deidara. "She said some rude things to Yola and now Yola is trying to scratch her eyes out while Aram is fleeing with Kate."

"Damn," I cried again. "I left too soon."

"Will they be back okay?" asked Kisame.

"They'll be fine," said Madara, uncaringly.

"Aren't you supposed to be in love with Kate?" asked Konan (Kisame scoffed at this). "What's with the unfeeling attitude?"

"Who said I was in love with Kate?" asked Madara. "She's just attracted to my power and charisma. Nothing I can do about that." He shot a smug look in Kisame's direction.

"I'm going to crush him," said Kisame.

"Hn." Itachi stared at Kisame levelly.

"Aw, come on," said Kisame. "Just this once?"

"Hn."

"Jerk."

"Hn."

"Yeah, yeah."

I leaned over and muttered to Sasori, "I am completely not following this conversation."

There was another flash of light and the figure of Aram with Kate on his back appeared in the middle of the living room.

"I _hate_ Yola," announced Aram. He dropped Kate into Kisame's lap and plopped down on the sofa next to me. There wasn't really room for him, so Sasori hopped off the couch and went to join Kakuzu and Zetsu.

"I kind of liked her," I said. "She has charm."

"Only you could like her," cried Kate, who had made herself comfortable sitting on Kisame's lap. "She's true evil, I tell you."

"Says the one she impregnated," I said with a shrug.

"Don't say it like that!" wailed Kate, covering her ears. "It sounds gross!"

Kisame wrapped his arms around Kate's waist comfortingly. Though I think he was more amused by the situation. Kisame had always said he wanted a son named Felix. Though, technically, Felix wasn't his son.

"Great," said Leader. "Even if we survive the tasks and manage to bring Hannah back, we're going to have an insane homosexual baby running around."

"Sounds like fun, uhn," said Deidara.

"He's found a homosexual companion!" I cried delightedly. "I knew he was too blond to be straight!"

Deidara flipped me off while Hidan roared with laughter beside me.

"At least we have nine months before we have to deal with the baby," said Konan.

"Yeah…" said Aram slowly. "About that…"

We all turned to stare at Aram, who shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.

"You see," he said. "Things tend to move much quicker in the Dale… We move on a different time line, so what takes a day here takes a week in your world… And since you're from the Fence or Earth you age at that speed, not our speed… That includes pregnancy…"

"_What_!"

"It's okay," said Aram quickly. "As soon as you leave the Dale, you pregnancy will progress at normal pace…"

"You mean I'm going to have a super fast pregnancy!" wailed Kate.

"We don't think she likes being pregnant," said Zetsu.

"Isn't pregnancy supposed to be some sort of happy miracle?" asked Madara.

"Not when it's forced on you by a crazy goddess!"

"Well," said Aram, getting to his feet. "I can't help you with pregnancy – it must suck. Sorry. But I do have some good news. You guys don't have to do another task today! So, I think we should all go relax in our hot springs."

"Hell yeah!" I cried. "I want to go enjoy hot springs!"

"Me too! Me too!" cried Hidan excitedly.

Kate groaned. "Why is most everyone I know completely insensitive?"

Kisame jumped to his feet, almost dumping Kate on the floor. "I want to go! Don't leave me behind!"

* * *

I stretched my arms and yawned at the steaming water soaked my skin. Yep. Perfect. This was just what I needed. A nice, long, relaxing soak…

"I didn't think Aram would have separate baths," said Konan, slipping into the water next to me. "He is a pervert after all."

"I made him."

I almost fell into the water at the sound of a light voice. I spun around and saw a small, petite woman with curling brown hair and doe eyes. She was dressed in only a towel and was eyeing the hot springs water suspiciously.

"Um… Who are you?" I asked.

She looked up from the water and smiled sweetly at me. "Silly me. I'm Nerissa, the goddess of chastity. I'm Four's wife."

I swear I choked on air. "Four's _Aram_'s… wife?"

She smiled and slipped into the water to join us. "My poor husband…"

"Your… poor… husband…?" Konan asked slowly. Apparently I wasn't the only one confused by that statement.

Nerissa nodded. "To be married to the goddess of chastity when he's such a pervert. It's really not fair on him."

"B-b-b-but," I stammered. "He's, um, Aram."

Nerissa smiled. "He loves me dearly – but a man does need his sex. Even male gods think with their dick half the time and not their heads."

I stared. I don't think I ever imagined the goddess of chastity to use such, um, crude language.

"So you can't sleep with a man… ever?" asked Konan.

Nerissa shook her head. "Never. If I could, it would definitely be Aram. But I can't." She sighed. "Humans complain about being virgins until their thirty. But I have to be a virgin for all eternity. Not red hot sex with my husband."

"Right…" I said, unsure where exactly to go from here.

"If I throw up one more time," groaned Kate, stepping down into the steaming water. "It's terrible…"

"Hey, Kate," I said. "Glad you could make it. This is Nerissa, Aram's wife and the goddess of _chastity_." I jerked a thumb in Nerissa's direction. She smiled sweetly and waved.

"How are you, Kate?" she asked. "So you're the one Yola impregnated today."

"Don't say it like that!" wailed Kate, covering her ears again.

"Think of poor Felix," said Konan. "His own mother doesn't want him."

"It's not that I don't want him," said Kate. "I just don't want him like this. I was to do it naturally."

"You mean fuck the man you love until he puts his seed in you and a baby grows inside your uterus naturally?" asked Nerissa. "If only I could do that…"

Kate blinked. "Um, yes, that. Are you sure you're the goddess of chastity?"

"Yes, I'm sure," said Nerissa. "Otherwise I wouldn't be complaining, would I?"

"N-n-no…"

"Nerissa, Sweetie, are you complain about your sex problems to total strangers again?"

A slow grin spread across my face as I heard the familiar voice, I turned to see Aram sitting in the steaming water just across the spring from us.

Kate screamed and scurried to cover herself. "Aram!" she cried. "This is the _girls'_ hot spring!"

"Yeah?" said Aram. "What's the point of building a girls' side if I can't come join you?"

Kate glared at him before grabbing her towel and sprinting out of the hot spring as fast as she could with Konan following close behind.

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Nerissa. "He's just admiring them."

I shrugged. "It's nothing he hasn't seen before."

Aram rolled his eyes. "Dessie – don't give my wife the wrong idea. I actually want her to like _you_."

"Unlike all the other women," said Nerissa. "He thinks it's funny when I run into them on the streets and beat the crap out of them." She scowled. "They're whores."

Aram smiled proudly and ruffled her hair fondly "That's my wife."

"Oh," I said. "So you like the violent bitches who swear a lot – that's why we got along so well." I gripped the edge of the hot spring and started to hoist myself out of the water.

"Wait," said Aram.

I paused, half way out of the water, and stared at Aram. "Why?"

"Give it a minute," said Aram, his head tilted to the side as if he was listening to something.

I sat back down in the water and stared at Aram in confusion. "Okay…" I turned to Nerissa. "So you don't beat up Aram for cheating on you?"

Nerissa sighed. "He's just sex deprived. I can't blame him. In the end, I'm the only one he actually even likes. However, I can blame the whores who dare think they can steal a husband from his wife." She grinned maliciously. "Those whores never knew what hit them."

"She's so cute," said Aram fondly. He paused. "Alright, Dessie – go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Grab your bathrobe and go," said Aram. "You have places to be and your timing had better be perfect!"

"What?" I asked.

"_Go_."

I hopped out of the water and grabbed my towel and bathrobe on the way out. I pulled on the bathrobe before leaving the hot springs area and then towel dried my hair. What on Earth, the Fence, Wargonia, Seanova, and the Dale was Aram talking about? I walked down the hall, pondering the mystery as much as I could ponder and – _wham_ guess what I managed to walk in on. Well, not actually walk in on. The scene was going on right around the corner. I pause at the corner – unsure what to do – but found myself eavesdropping in the end. Well – what else did you expect me to do! They were talking right outside my room!

"How have you been, Madara?" asked Kate nervously.

"You finished your bath early," said Madara.

The two of them were standing face to face in the hallways right outside of the door leading to Kate's and my room. Both of them were dressed in the white bathrobes leant to us by Aram. Kate's hair was wrapped up in a towel while Madara's wild porcupine hair was wet and hung down his back like a giant black mess.

Kate sighed. "Aram decided to invade the girls' side."

"I wonder why he did that," said Madara, almost absent mindedly.

"Because he's a pervert," cried Kate.

"Oh right," said Madara. "Dessie and Konan would have been in the hot spring with you. Well that explains it."

Kate blinked. "You're saying I'm not attractive enough for Aram?"

Madara shrugged. "No. I'm saying you're not attractive enough for anyone. Except Kisame. Kisame's blue. It fits."

I rolled my eyes. Wow. Who knew Madara was such an _asshole_?

"You!" cried Kate, her voice squeaking a little. "You can insult Kisame all you want – but you'll never be able to compare to him. You're nothing but a… a… a…" Kate's eyes narrowed. "You're nothing but a fucking dickhead!" And with that, Kate flung open the door to our room and stormed inside, leaving a very bemused Madara standing in the corridor.

"Wow," I said. "Kate actually grew a pair of balls."

"You're there," said Madara.

I stepped out from behind the corner and grinned. "You were standing outside my room, Porcupine."

"It's not like I chose the meeting place."

"Yeah. Misfortunate just left you to be _rejected_ right in front of me." I grinned. "Wait until the others hear about this."

"I wasn't rejected," said Madara. "Kate was just asserting her preference."

I snorted. "It's the exact same thing, _you unwanted Ferby_."

"You're one to talk," said Madara. "You were rejected by Hidan."

I flipped him off. "I wasn't rejected. We're just friends."

"Sure," said Madara. "That's why you get pissed off whenever another woman hits on him."

"At least I didn't lose to a _blue man_!"

Madara raised one eyebrow. "Am I supposed to feel bad about that? Look who's being a bitch now."

"What's your _problem_?" I snapped.

"You're the one who picks the fights," said Madara. "I just go along with them."

"You drank all my coffee!"

Madara stared. "This comes down to the coffee?"

"Fuck yeah! I can't live without my morning coffee – and you just _drink it all_."

"This is about the coffee," repeated Madara blankly.

"What? Coffee makes the world go round! It's addicting, but it's good – you dare rob me of my addiction, you fucking reject!"

"I didn't get rejected."

"Fuck, yeah, you did! Do you not know a rejection when you see one, Porcupine! She said you can't compare to _Kisame_ – you can't compare to the batshit insane Love Guru who eats nothing but fish, watches weird-ass porn, and thinks kissing to switch bodies is _fun_. That is rejection in anyone's books, you shithead!"

Madara yawned. "Yeah, yeah. Are you finished yet?"

I stopped screaming my head off and stared at Madara blankly. "You know," I said. "Usually when I argue with someone, they get fired up back and we enter a giant yelling match which ends in an all out war between the two of us after which we go out and get sake."

"That's because you usually argue with Hidan," said Madara.

I blinked. "Can you at least throw a punch at me or something?"

Madara stared at me. "You're insane."

"Yeah," I said slowly. "But… This is so weird." I considered this for a second. Madara didn't want to throw a punch at me. But fists are the best way to settle any dispute. So, I have to get him engaged in a fist fight. Then our argument will end find. I lifted my fists and grinned demonically at Madara. "You'd better be ready for this."

"No," said Madara. "I'm not going to fight you. I'll just win."

"If I hit you, you have to hit back!" I snapped.

"Or I could just not let you hit me," said Madara.

I threw a punch at his head. Madara blocked it easily. His hand caught hold of my fist and he held onto it, refusing to let go.

"Don't even try it," said Madara.

I kicked him in the weak spot. Or, at least I tried to. He blocked that too.

"You're annoying!" I cried.

"I just don't like being beaten up," said Madara.

I glared at him. He glared back.

"Ferby," I said.

Madara picked me up and slung me over his shoulders. "I guess there should be a punishment for a girl who doesn't shut up."

"Asshole!" I screamed, pounding my fists against his back. "Asshole! I'll fucking kill you! You may have this body now! But I'll destroy it! I'll crush it! I'll make you rue the day you ever messed with Desdemona Lee!"

"You talk too much." He carried me as he walked down the halls of Aram's mansion.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I'm going to drown you in the hot springs."

"That won't work," I said. "I'm immortal."

"Yeah, but it will be fun to drown you."

"I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual."

"After you finish drowning me, can I drown you?"

"No."

I sighed, my head banging against his back as he walked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You suck."

He reached the hot springs and kicked open the door. Just as we were about to enter, someone called out, "Dessie? What are you doing?"

Madara turned around to see who it was (which meant I couldn't). "Nice night," he said.

"Put me the fuck down!" I cried.

"Madara…" said Sasori slowly. "Why are you carrying Dessie on your back?"

"Because he's an asshole!" I shouted irritably.

"On second thought," said Sasori. "I'm not going to ask. Go get changed at meet in the living room. Aram says it's time for our next task." And with that, Sasori left.

With a sigh, Madara dropped me to the ground. I landed with a heavy thud and I lay there, groaning in agony for a moment before I jumped back to my feet, fully reenergized.

"I'm going to fucking kill you!" I cried.

"We have things to do," said Madara. "I'll just have to drown you another time." He turned around and walked away, leaving me standing outside the hot springs.

"You're annoying!" I shouted at his back.

Madara waved over his shoulder without a care in the world.

I gritted my teeth. "Damn you, you coffee-thieving bastard of porcupine!"

Yep. I totally won that round.

* * *

**A/N: Almost to 1,000... My goal for this story is to break 3,000 - maybe 4,000 is I'm really lucky and my reviewers really love me. I kind of doubt it though. Oh well, 3,000 here I come!**

**REVIEW or Aram will spy on you in the bath/shower and then Nerissa will come a beat the crap out of you for being a whore. **


	26. A Simple Act Of Kindness

**Chapter Twenty-Six: A Simple Act Of Kindness**

Next Task: You each will be sent to random places in the Fence where you must each perform a random act of kindness. It is only after you have completed a satisfactory act of kindness will you be transported back to the Dale. This task could take years since almost everyone alive hates you with a passion, so you might want to wait for them to die before you actually perform your act of kindness. Have fun!

* * *

**Kate**

I was going to kill Aram – well, maybe not kill him, but put him through a lot of pain – well, I might not be the one putting him through a lot of pain, but Kisame will on my orders… Oh whatever. The reason I was mad at Aram was that not only did he send us on this task with a stupid grin on his face, but he also 'randomly' transported me to Konoha. I still haven't forgiven them for participating in the murder of Hannah! I will get Kisame to cause them all severe pain! Just you wait and see!

I stood just outside the walls of Konoha in the surrounding forest. I could see the crumbled wall of their already half-rebuilt city (according to Aram time moves faster in the Dale, so we have actually been there for two weeks in our world). I should just walk in there. Say hello. Maybe help them rebuild a little… that's an act of kindness, right? Never mind I helped destroy the village, I would be helping them rebuild my mess… This was a disaster.

Something bubbled in the pits of my stomach. I felt hot – too hot. Unnatural hot. And something was coming up my throat.

"Oh shoot!" I cried, rushing towards the nearest tree. "Not again!"

I threw up all over the base of the tree.

Pregnancy is a bitch.

"Are you okay?"

I pushed away from the tree, careful not to step on what had just come out of me, and turned to see the pink-haired Sakura, watching me nervously.

The moment she saw my face recognition transformed in shock and then outrage. "You!" she cried.

"Me," I said meekly.

Sakura drew a kunai, rage flashing through her emerald eyes. She was going to kill me.

I threw my hands in front of my face and screamed at the top of my lungs, "SparemeIampregnant!"

Sakura paused. "What?"

"Spare me, I am pregnant."

Sakura looked from me, to the pile of vomit just beneath me, and then back at me. "Seriously?"

I nodded.

"Who's the father? One of the Akatsuki?"

I paused. How to explain? You just don't go around telling people the crazy goddess of pregnancy made you pregnant with your own split personality because she wanted to call your bluff. That kind of explanation causes people to think you're crazy. Which they probably already think I am.

"It's complicated."

"Oh," said Sakura. "So you don't know who the father is."

"No! It's just… complicated!"

"It's alright," said Sakura. "I won't judge you."

"I have a boyfriend!"

Sakura smiled sadly. "So you know who the father is, but you don't want your boyfriend to know. Do you love both of them?" Sakura shook her head sadly. "I understand that feeling so well!"

"What…? When did I say anything like that?"

"I used to be in love with this hot guy on my team – Sasuke. Have you met him? I don't remember. Well, he was so popular. All the girls loved him. I even gave up my friendship with Ino so I could love him. I really thought we had a chance. Everything was going so well. He was so much happier with our team. He was friends with Naruto and he talked with me – I thought – hey – we might actually end up falling in love. But then Sasuke leaves. And he doesn't leave for just anyone – he leaves to go be an _avenger_ under the mentorship of Orochimaru! I tried to stop him, but he just says "thank you" – thank you for what! I didn't _do_ anything! Literally, all I used to do is stand around and scream! In fact, I still do that about half the time. But I actually tried to do more than that! I killed _Sasori_ for gods sake! Though Sasori came back to life, I still don't understand how. But Sasuke abandoned me and then _Naruto_ promise me he would bring him back. I always thought Naruto was an idiot! He just did stupid pranks to get attention – but then I was on a team with him and I didn't think he was too bad. He wasn't as cool as Sasuke, but that's impossible. So when Sasuke ran away, Naruto promised to bring Sasuke back to me, and when he failed he was devastated. He looked so cool though, even in his devastation – I never thought Naruto looked cool before. Then I worked hard for them and Naruto came back and he was even cooler than before. And then I saw Sasuke – and he was evil – but he was evilly hot! How could I forget Sasuke? But how could I be attracted to Naruto? How could I not be attracted to Naruto? How can I still be attracted to Sasuke! I don't get it!" Sakura paused for a breath. She looked at me and patted me on the head. "Thanks for listening, Kate. That got a lot off my chest."

I stared at her blankly. "I couldn't follow any of that…"

But apparently half-listening to Sakura rant about her boy problems counted as my good deed. Well… Whatever works.

* * *

**Kakuzu**

I refuse to tell you the story of my 'good deed'. I refuse. You will never know what I did. I am evil. And cruel. And dark. And villainous. Even if the gods will me to, I will never do a good dead. I am evil. I steal money from children!

No.

I won't tell you. I would rather spend a day playing House with Tobi. I would rather have Leader chop off all my fingers and put them in a blender, add some milk and force me to drink the concoction. I would rather give Hannah the details to my bank vault. Well, maybe not that one. But I would rather be locked in a room with no doors and no windows with Zetsu and Deidara for a week than tell you!

…

I gave money to charity.

* * *

**Konan**

I wound up in Konoha, standing outside the half-way reconstructed Hokage offices. Well that's not good. The Akatsuki just destroyed the city – I don't think they'll like me very much at the moment. There was still rubble on the streets and while some of the homes and important buildings were starting to look like actually homes and important buildings again, there was still a long way to go. Great… Good deed – here I come.

"Konan?"

I spun around and fund myself face to face with no one other than the busty blond Hokage herself. Oh shoot.

"Hi," I said awkwardly. "I come in peace."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. "You _destroyed_ my village – and now you come in _peace_?"

"Well," I said. "Technically everyone except me and Leader destroyed your village."

"How is that any different?"

"It's very dif–"

Tsunade threw a kunai at my head.

I dodged at the last second and it buried itself in the wall of the Ramen shop across the street. I spun around and Tsunade had already launched herself at me. her fist was in the air. She was planning on crushing my skull.

My paper immediately whirled around me, creating a wall of defense for Tsunade to hit. She tore through the paper, but I created wings and flew up into the air. Now, I could describe to you all the details of our fight, but it was extremely long and would require excruciatingly details explanations after every move that no one wants to listen to. The fight was so long it would have taken up at least fifty chapters in a manga or fifteen episodes in an anime – no one wants to read or watch a fight that long, so I'll just skip to the grueling end where an unconscious Tsunade is lying at my feet and the citizens of Konoha are watching in from a safe distance.

"Well," I said. "This is the opposite of a good deed."

I stared at Tsunade's unconscious body for awhile, and then, after some intense thought, I picked her body up and carried her to the nearest hospital. See, after beating someone lifeless and pounding them into a coma that ended up lasting three weeks, you should always take them to a hospital – it counts as an act of kindness!

* * *

**Deidara**

Stupid Aram. Stupid gods. Stupid tasks. Stupid Konoha. Stupid Suna. Why did I have to end up in Suna of all places to do my act of kindness, uhn! And not just anywhere in Suna – anywhere would be to easy – I ended up in the Kazekage's office.

I stood in front of Gaara's desk and stared.

Gaara had been in the middle of paperwork when I arrived. He looked up – and stared. I stared back. I swear this swearing contest went on for ten minutes, uhn. Gaara didn't even put his pen down.

"Hey, uhn," I said.

He tried to break my arm with his sand.

_What did I ever do to him_! No. Don't answer that question. It was a – what do you call them – rhetorical question. Do. Not. Answer. Uhn.

"Look!" I cried, dodging another of Gaara's attack. "I don't see why I have to do a stupid act of kindness for this guy, uhn! I already did something kind to him!"

Gaara stopped attacking for a second to stare at me confusion. "What?"

"Don't act stupid," I said. "You had the One-Tailed Beast inside of you, right, uhn?"

Gaara stared. "Yeah. You kill me."

"But _because_ I killed you, you were able to get rid of the One-Tailed Beast. And now people don't run away in fear whenever they see you. I did you a favor, uhn."

Gaara stared. "You killed me."

"Details! I did you a favor by killing you! Sure, some old lady died in the process of bringing you back – but now you don't have the One-Tailed beast, uhn. You're not a scary monster any more. Yay." I turned around and glared at the ceiling. "See – I've already done my nice act, uhn. Now bring me back!"

There was a purple flash of light and I disappeared from the Kazekage's office. And that's the story of how I, Deidara, did a good deed, uhn.

* * *

**Kisame**

I had the good fortune of running into Jiraiya – while he was peeping in on a women's hot springs. He was crouched over behind some bushes, his right eye pressed against the peephole and a wildly delighted grin stretched across his aging face.

"What's up?" I asked, figuring if I had to perform an act of kindness, I might as well get it over with.

"Can't talk. Busy," said Jiraiya.

I glanced at him and then at the fence. "You know, that can't show you much."

"I make do with what I can."

I paused to think about it, and then I grinned. "I have an idea."

I drew my sword from my back and swung it as far to the right as I could. Then, I swung the sword around and it sliced through the wooden fence. The fence stood up – though barely – teetering awkwardly – waiting for the opportune moment to come crashing down.

Jiraiya leapt away from the fence in horror. "What have you done!" he cried. "The women! The naked women!"

"Just wait," I said, grinning from ear to ear.

Jiraiya then got a good look at me in all my blueness and his eyes grew wide. "Akatsuki!" he cried, pointing.

The fence fell down.

From within the spring, the women screamed. They sprinted from the bath as fast as their legs could carry them. Naked and completely exposed, they sprinted to the bathhouse to grab their belongings. Jiraiya watched them go, his mouth hanging open and a little drool running down his chin.

"See," I said, swinging my sword over my shoulder triumphantly. "That is how you spy on naked women."

* * *

**Tobi**

Tobi is a good boy. Everything Tobi does is good. Tobi does not need to perform a good deed.

* * *

**Zetsu**

We weren't sure how to perform a good deed. We had never done a good deed before. At least not a good deed for anyone outside the Akatsuki. Or anything that wasn't a plant. We can perform good deeds for plants – does that count? Apparently it didn't.

We were wandering through the streets of some town we did not know the name of when we saw a woman. A very delicious looking woman. She had lots of moist meat on her bones. We wanted to taste her, so we followed her. And we found that she was being chased be two large men who looked even tastier. They wanted to take advantage of the yummy looking woman. She didn't want the even yummier-looking men to take advantage of her. She wasn't happy.

After some consideration, we decided to help the yummy woman out. We ate the men.

She watched with wide eyes and when we turned to her for a 'thank you' – she screamed.

We think we might have damaged her mentally while we were trying to save her. Oops.

We were about to spare her the mental agony by eating her too, but Aram decided to bring us back to the Dale before we could finish our meal. Oh well, we did a good deed. Though we're not sure how good it turned out.

* * *

**Itachi**

Hn.

[Itachi's Story As Translated By Kisame:

I was walking through the woods – like a _badass_ – completely lost – like a _badass_. Wherever Aram had decided to deposit me, I had no idea where it was – like a _badass_. There were no people in this forest, which made it hard for me to perform an act of kindness – like a _badass_. While I was wandering through the forest – like a _badass_ – I heard a rustling in the trees and I spun around, throwing a kunai – like a _badass_ – in the process. Whoever attacked me, dodged the kunai and leapt from the tree (but not like a badass). It turned out to be Sasuke. Great. Aram had brought me to perform an act of kindness for my annoying little brother.

"Itachi!" cried Sasuke. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Hn."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Hn."

"Hn."

"Hn."

"Hn."

I sighed and took a deep breath – like a _badass_. I might as well get this good deed over with. I turned to Sasuke, gritted my teeth, and said: "I don't hate you. I love you. I killed our clan because they were plotting a rebellion that would completely destroy our village. To protect the village and prevent another giant war from erupting I killed our entire clan, however, I couldn't kill you because you were my precious little brother. I let you think I was evil so you would become strong. I want you to live a happy life and even though you might not forgive me, I will love you forever." – like a _badass_.

I stopped. That should be enough to make him happy right?

Sasuke looked on the verge of tears.

I'm pretty sure those were happy tears.]

* * *

**Dessie**

"What are you doing here!"

I spun around to see Too-Perfect-To-Be-True-Hottie (Kakashi, for those of you who forgot), walking towards me. I groaned – with him here it was going to make doing a good deed difficult.

"I'm on a peaceful stroll," I said. "Not doing anything suspicious. How are you, Hottie?"

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "I'm good. And that right there is downright suspicious."

"What is?"

"You're attitude. You're Dessie of the Akatsuki – you're just suspicious no matter what you do."

"That's rude!" I cried. "I actually had good intentions this time!"

"That's even more suspicious! You don't do good things." Kakashi drew his kunai.

"I know! Which is why you should believe me! I would never claim to do anything remotely good unless I actually wanted to do something remotely good!"

Kakashi did a double-take, wondering if I was actually telling the truth. So, I took advantage of his confusion to kick him in the balls.

He howled in pain and crumpled to the ground at my feet, clutching his manly bits. I stared at him for a second and then realized a great truth. I tipped my head back and laughed. I giggled and clapped my hands excitedly, jumping up and down for joy.

"I knew it…" groaned Kakashi. "You're too evil to do good…"

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "I just did a good deed – I showed you your weak spot, so next time you face me, you know to protect your dick. I'm just helping you out for our next fight. "I laughed even harder.

And you want to know what the best part of this whole story is, Aram actually accept that as my good deed – I'm just that awesome!

* * *

**Sasori**

I approached a young man in a black cat-like outfit with purple face paint. He would be the target of my good deed. He seemed like he could use some help – and it happened to fall in my area of expertise. He was fixing a wooden puppet – a weapon puppet with lots of traps and gadgets used to inflict pain.

"Hey," I said, coming to stand next to him. "Do you want some help?"

"No tha–" The guy (I later learned his name was Kankuro) looked up and paused to stare at me. His eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open – speechless. "S-S-Sasori!"

Inwardly, I groaned. Not another enemy the other me made. "I'm not him. You're thinking of the other Sasori who's dead."

Kankuro jumped to his feet. "I will kill you! You kidnapped my brother! You should be dead! I'll kill you!"

"It wasn't me."

Kankuro made some kind of hand signals and another puppet appeared. It was pretty good puppet. Advanced technologies and relatively deadly. I dismantled the puppet easily. Kankuro looked at a loss as to what to do.

"Look," I said. "I'm not here to kill you. I just want to fix your puppet."

"You just dismantled my other one!"

I glanced at the puppet I had destroyed. "I'll fix that one too." And, before Kankuro could protest, I sat down and mended his stupid puppets. It took me a whole ten minutes. Then, I stood up and left.

Why are acts of kindness so damn hard to do? You would think people don't _want_ me to be kind.

* * *

**Leader**

I opened my eyes to find myself standing on the Fourth Hokage's head. Not his actually blond head – that would be weird – but the stone head that overlooked Konoha. However, I wasn't standing on the Hokage's head alone. The Blond Hyperactive Idiot Who Possesses The Nine Tails was sitting right in front of me. Great. That means the God Who Causes Us Too Much Trouble wants me to do something kind for the Nine Tails Jinchuriki. This ought to be fun.

"Greetings," I said, approaching the Nine Tails Jinchuriki from behind.

He leapt up and spun around to face me. To my surprise, the Nine Tails Jinchuriki had been crying. What?

"Pain!" cried the Nine Tails Jinchuriki.

"Try not to attack me," I said. "I'm actually here to ask, um, what's wrong?" (Those words felt icky coming out of my mouth).

The Nine Tails Jinchuriki's eyes narrowed. "_You_ want to know what's wrong with _me_?"

I nodded, trying to look sincere. Personally, I think it would be better for the Nine Tails Jinchuriki to learn the true meaning of suffering. Then maybe he would see things from my perspective and wouldn't be so unwilling to die for the greater good.

The Nine Tails Jinchuriki stared at me suspiciously for a second before saying, "I killed someone. Hannah."

"Oh. Yes. I remember." _Suffer! You ungrateful beast! Suffer as I once suffered and know the true meaning of pain! You think you can save the world without killing? Suffer like you've never suffered before!_

"I don't want to kill people!" cried the Nine Tails Jinchuriki. "I didn't want to kill Hannah. I just… turned in to the fox and lost control."

"It happens to the best of us." _Feel pain! Feel it course through your bones! Hate yourself! Hate this world! Pain makes us stronger! Pain will lead to a new and batter world!_ I patted the Nine Tails Jinchuriki on the shoulder and smiled comfortingly. "The Akatsuki plans on bringing Hannah back from the dead. You don't need to feel so guilty. I doubt she holds it against you." _Lies! She will be back with her revenge! She will use your weakness against you and double your pain! The Sadistic Girl Who Steals Things has no mercy upon the weak!_

The Nine Tails Jinchuriki wiped the tears from his eyes. "Thanks. I never thought I'd receive comfort from you…"

"It won't happen again."_ Ever._

* * *

**Madara**

I am above acts of kindness. I am an evil criminal mastermind, I should not have to stoop to the level of _kindness_. Damn it all.

"How are we going to do this?"

"I don't know – he could be anywhere."

I turned to see who was talking and saw an extremely plain woman with bright red-pink hair and glasses accompanied by an albino sea-creature guy with white hair. Karin and Suigetsu if I remember correctly.

"What are you doing?" I asked, stepping forward.

They both stared at me blankly. Right. They only remember me as Tobi.

"You're looking for someone," I said. "Maybe I could be of assistance." (Perhaps this will count as an act of kindness – you see this, Aram – I, _Madara Uchiha_, am being kind. This is a miracle!).

"We're looking for a man named Reino," said Suigetsu slowly. "We need to, um, talk to him." (By which they mean interrogate until he is in so much pain that he gives away the information to make the suffering stop),

"Okay," I said. I marched towards the crowd of people and tapped the first person I saw on the shoulder. "Hi, are you Reino?"

"Um, no."

I cut off his head.

Then I turned to the next person. "Hi, are you Reino?"

"No."

I cut off his head too.

Next person. "Hi, are you Reino?"

"No! No! No!"

I cut off his head too.

This went on for another twelve heads before someone shoved a silver-haired man at me and cried, "Stop! Stop! This is Reino! Stop!"

I grabbed the supposed Reino by the back of his shirt and smiled. "Hi, are you Reino?"

"Y-y-yes…"

I dragged him back to Suigetsu and Karin. "Here you go. Is this Reino?"

Suigetsu nodded. "Th-th-thanks…"

And that is how I, the evil and terrifying and horrible criminal mastermind, Madara Uchiha, did a good deed. It's humiliating to admit.

* * *

**Hidan**

Fuck this! I would never do any fucking good deeds! Jashin frowns upon good deeds! They're fucking stupid! Only fucking heathens perform fucking good deeds! Acts of kindness are for fuckers who no one fucking likes! There is no fucking way I did any fucking good deeds and fucking people! It was all so fucking stupid. Who the fuck do you think I am? Aram can have all his pretty fucking orbs – but there is no fucking way he and his little godly friends can get me to do a fucking good deed! Ever.

Fuck no.

* * *

**A/N: This was fun to write so I hope you had as much fun reading it. Which ones were your favorite? I'm curious to know.**

**Review or the Akatsuki will come do charity for YOU. (but at least Konan will take you to the hospital at the end of it all)**


	27. Highly Respected God Of The Underworld

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Highly Respected God Of The Underworld**

**Hannah**

"Oh! So you're here to talk to me! Well, why didn't you just say so?"

I stared at Ren blankly. Yes, because I had plenty of opportunities to tell you while you were carrying me while running like a mad man down hallways looking for your pet cheetah, Princess Fou Mia.

I sighed. We were in Ren's throne room – which was basically a large, black hall lit by lanterns lining the stone walls. Ren was sitting up on his throne – well, slouching more like it. He was draped over the throne like a blanket, completely uncaring about how unprofessional he looked.

"And here I was running around like and idiot thinking you were one of my servants." Ren laughed. "I'm so embarrassed!"

"I don't think you're capable of embarrassment," I muttered.

Ren tipped his back and let out a mad bark of laughter. "So true! We barely know each other and yet you understand me perfectly!"

I sighed. "I have experience with insane people."

"Aw," said Ren. He tilted his head to the side and grinned at me. "You're so cute when you're irritated."

Behind me, Kushina leaned over and whispered to Minato, "_This_ is our god?"

"I think he's cool," said Minato.

"So what can I do for you?" asked Ren.

"I, um, want to return to life."

Ren stared at me for a second. He snorted. And then he snickered. And then that exploded into all out laugher. He fell out of his throne and lay on the floor, cackling with mirth and clutching his stomach. I don't know how long this went on for exactly, but eventually Ren sat up, wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes and said, "Oh. You're serious."

"Well, that's promising," I said, the sarcasm dripping from my tone.

"It's not something that happens often," said Ren, hopping to his feet. "And, frankly, it's downright near impossible – but it sounds like fun!" Grinning, he marched across the hall and patted me on the shoulder rather roughly. "Hannah, I will help you come back to life."

"Um…"

"So we don't need you," said Ren, turning to Kushina and Minato with a glowing smile. "Go back to your usual dead lives." He laughed.

"What?" asked Kushina.

Ren waved his right hand and before any of us knew what was going on, Kushina and Minato disappeared.

"What did you do to them?" I asked.

"I sent them home," said Ren cheerfully. "They want to stay dead. It's not fun. You on the other hand!" He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and dragged me across his throne room. "You want to come back to life! Now that's interesting! It sounds so fun! I want to help!"

"Help?"

"You need the agreement of all the gods to return to life," explained Ren. "All three-hundred-and-sixty-seven of them. So we've got our work cut out for us. But don't worry – you have at least one vote down."

He led me through a door on the side of the throne room and down a series of passageways. A huge smile was plastered all over his handsome face and he wouldn't stop talking the whole time.

"The Underworld can get kind of dull after awhile. Though, Princess Fou Mia livens things up. I like it when new and interesting people arrive. There once was a giant cannibal who arrived and tried to eat all the dead people. Oh that was funny. I watched it all happen. Someone stopped him though and pushed him into the River Sticks and the fun came to an end." Ren sighed dramatically. "And then there was that crazy woman who could shoot lasers from her elbows. That was _funny_. People were running away screaming all the time. Smithy – he's my assistant – sorted out the laser woman eventually. He just cut off her arms and threw _those_ in the River Sticks. Now she's happily married with an adoptive child."

"Right…" I said slowly.

Ren steered me right into another side chamber. "I have a plan to bring you back. That would require us to travel to the Dale. Wow. I haven't been there in ages… I wonder if any of them remember that I actually exist…" Ren paused to ponder this fact. "Probably not. They just see me as that crazy old loony who looks after dead people." He laughed. "I _am_ a crazy old loony who looks after dead people."

"Yep."

"You don't have to agree with me!" cried Ren. "Hannah! You're supposed to say, _Ren!_" He mimicked a ridiculously high-pitched voice that I'm pretty sure sounded nothing like me. "_You're not old!_" His laughter doubled. "You see? I'm still a crazy loony – I'm just not old!"

"You're hilarious…" I said flatly.

"See," said Ren. "We understand each other already. That's great! It's so hard to find someone with the same sense of humor as me. Most people are like _Ren, you're an idiot_. Not that I' m not an idiot…"

Does he ever shut up? I wondered.

Just then, Ren stopped and threw open the door to our right. He pulled me inside and I found myself standing in an extravagant dining room. In the middle of the room was a long table covered with a black cloth and set four five people. Ren hopped down at the head of the table and gestured that I should take the place to his immediate right. After a moment's hesitation, I took the seat.

"Is anyone else joining us?" I asked, glancing around the table.

"Smithy!" cried Ren excitedly. "And Noun. And Princess Fou Mia, of course! We can't forget about her!"

"Princess Fou Mia is going to sit at the table with us?"

"Of course," said Ren. "It'd be bad manners to make her sit on the floor."

"Oh…"

As if on cue, the door opened and a short, chubby man waddled in. He was clutching a black-leather leash that was attached to the spotted cheetah known as Princess Fou Mia.

"Hannah," said Ren grandly. "This is Princess Fou Mia's keeper, Noun. Noun, this is Hannah. She helped me find Princess Fou Mia after the fantastic escape!"

"So this is the legendary Hannah," said Noun, beaming at me. His fat little eyes crinkled with his smile until I could no longer see the iris and his face was just a squishy pound of fat.

"Hi," I said awkwardly. "I didn't know I was legendary."

"Oh, yes," said Noun. "The sarmassophobic."

My right eye twitched. "What did you just say?"

"The sarmassophobic." Noun smiled again. "Everyone knows about you. Your friends are in the Dale right now trying to bring you back to life."

"Let's hope they don't succeeded before I do," I muttered.

"Your friends are in the Dale!" cried Ren excitedly. "That's great! They must have won some of the gods' votes already! Isn't that great, Hannah? Are your friends as fun as you are?" Ren frowned. "It'd be terrible if they weren't as fun as you were."

"They're very, um, fun." At least, Ren would classify them as 'fun'.

"Noun!" cried Ren eagerly. "Princess Fou Mia will sit here." Ren pointed to the seat to his left, directly across from me. "And you'll sit next to her!"

Noun and Princess Fou Mia obliged. I have to say, for a cheetah who ran away on a regular basis, Princess Fou Mia was extremely well behaved. She took her seat quietly, sitting on her haunches with her head held high. Ren grinned at her adoringly and stroked her head.

"Isn't she lovely?"

I couldn't tell if Ren was talking about me or the cheetah.

However, I was saved having to figure out which one it was by the door opening. A tall, thin man with shockingly red hair and dressed in a three-piece suit strode into the room. He looked about stiffly before taking the seat to my right.

"Smithy!" cried Ren. "How are you today? I fell like I haven't seen you in ages!"

"You dropped a chandelier on my head while chasing the princess," said Smithy flatly (here was a guy I could relate to).

"Sorry about that, sorry about that," said Ren. "Accidents do happen. But look! Princess Fou Mia has returned – thanks to Hannah, here."

Smithy glanced at me. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Aw, look," said Ren. "They're practically twins."

I glanced at Smithy – with his bright red hair, tanned skin, tall, muscular build, and then thought of my thin body, straight brown hair and pale skin. Yep, we were definitely twins.

The door opened again and five people dressed in black chefs outfits placed bowls of steaming soup on each of our plates before leaving.

"Dig in!" cried Ren before shoveling a spoonful of steaming soup into his mouth. He paused and choked on the scorching liquid. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Don't try it yet! Don't try it yet!"

Smithy sighed. "He does this every time we have soup."

Noun giggled delightedly. "He's like one of those mice in the lab mazes that never learn how to find the exit."

"He's an idiot," I said.

"Aw," cried Ren, his burnt tongue hanging out of his mouth. "That's mean, Hannah."

"I'm always mean. It's my personality."

Ren smiled. "You have a beautiful personality."

I sighed and picked up a spoonful of soup. I blew on it and then put the spoon in my mouth.

Ren gasped. "So that's how you do it!" He picked up another spoonful and blew, then swallowed. "It doesn't burn with the fires of a volcano!" he cried. "Hannah! You're a genius!"

"You've seen us do that a thousand times," said Smithy, eating his own soup slowly.

"Yes," said Ren. "But Hannah _taught_ it better."

"He's definitely an idiot," I said.

Princess Fou Mia was licking up her soup patiently. The moment Ren finished his soup, he leaned over to rest his elbow on the table and placed his cheek against the palm of his hand. He gazed at Princess Fou Mia adoringly and sighed.

"So lovely…" he said dreamily.

"She's a cheetah," I said. "And she pushed me into the pool."

"You fell on your own according to Ren," said Noun.

"She definitely pushed me," I said.

Ren wasn't listening. He was still daydreaming about running through the fields with Princess Fou Mia.

We finished out soups and the chefs took them away and replaced them with the main course – meat. Princess Fou Mia tore into her steak with none of the princess-like grace Ren liked to claim she had.

"So," I said. "How are we getting to the Dale? When are we leaving?"

Ren took a bite of his steak and chewed like a vicious beast (I like he learned how to eat from Princess Fou Mia). "After dinner," said Ren cheerfully.

"Really?" I asked. Sooner than I thought.

"Yep."

Smithy frowned. "You shouldn't go to the Dale, my lord. Who will look after the Underworld?"

"You will!" cried Ren.

"Me?"

"You're perfectly capable." Ren sighed and shook his head with mock graveness. "Who can I trust to protect my precious subjects and my precious Princess Fou Mia? Only you, Smithy."

Smithy blinked. "Really?"

"Of course," cried Ren. "You'll probably do a better job than me! Remember the time I accidentally blew up the mountain…"

Smithy sighed. "I told you playing go-fetch with giant boulders was not a good idea."

"Go-fetch?" I asked.

Ren beamed. "It's Princess Fou Mia's favorite game!"

"With giant boulders?"

Ren nodded enthusiastically. "She's really good at it."

I had a suspicious feeling about the cheetah, but I wasn't going to question Ren and his pet. So instead, I just nodded and said, "Uh-huh." I think he bought it.

Ren finished ripping at his steak and, with a clap of his hands, the chefs returned to take away our empty plates and bring out dessert – which was a scrumptious-looking lemon tart. I'm rather partial to lemon tarts, if I do say so myself.

"Yum-yum," cried Ren. "There's a party in my tum! Dig in!"

I took a massive bite of the dessert and let the lemony taste wash over my tongue. "This is delicious."

"I think so too," said Ren. "Nothing beats lemons when it comes to taste. Noun thinks limes are better, but that's why I'm leaving Smithy in charge and not him." Ren laughed wildly.

Noun rolled his eyes. "I look after the cheetah. That's all."

Ren smiled. "You're secretly plotting to supplant me, I know. That's okay though. Just make sure Princess Fou Mia is happy."

"All you care about is the cheetah," muttered Noun.

"She's a precious princess," said Ren firmly. He turned to me and grinned. "So, Hannah, are you ready?"

I glanced down at my dessert. "I haven't finished yet."

"You'd better hurry up and finish," said Ren.

"Why?"

"Because we're going… Right… Now."

Ren laughed.

A giant hole opened up in the floor beneath Ren and me. There was no more ground to hold me up and my chair collapsed beneath me. My hands clamored for something to hold on to, but there was nothing. I screamed and plummeted down into the darkness – leaving the delicious lemon tart behind on the dining room table. The last thing I heard as the darkness consumed me was Smithy sighing and saying, "He's doing it again."

Doing what!

* * *

**A/N: I love you, Ren... And Princess Fou Mia. I originally intended for her name to be extremely embarrassing, but now I kind of love it. See! This is what Ren does to me. Ren seriously could be competing for my favorite character. hahaha **

**Review or Smithy will use the power of his gingerness to CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG and serve you up as soup for Princess Fou Mia. **


	28. The Refreshments Table

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Refreshments Table**

**Dessie**

I stood in front of the mirror and scowled. Damn Aram to the seventh level of _hell_. Damn him with all the might of Dessie! I will destroy him to where he cannot even crawl his godly ass to the godly hospital to heal like a fucking god. I will grind his bones to dust and suck his blood from him with a straw – do gods even have blood? – Never mind. Not important. What's important is that _I will kill him_. I will kill him once, twice, fifty million times if I have to! How dare he! How dare that asshole make me wear a dress!

"Hey, Dessie – you look pretty," said Kate, walking up behind me.

"I hate dresses."

I scowled at the mirror. Nerissa had picked out the dress for me. It was short and red. I felt really feminine – too feminine – you can't beat people up in a dress! It's difficult! Nerissa had wanted to put me in high heels too, but it's even harder to beat people up in high heels. So instead I settled for boots (you can kick people with boots and it will _hurt_).

"You look really hot in that dress," said Kate.

I paused to consider the mirror again. "It does emphasize my breasts."

"I'm sure the guys will go wild over your gorgeousness," said Kate in exasperation.

I turned around to examine her. She was wearing a floor-length, light blue dress and heels (the most impractical outfit for fighting imaginable).

"You should shorten and wear boots," I said. "I don't even think you can run away in those shoes."

"Sacrifices must be made to look good," said Kate.

"Why is Aram making us do this?" I wailed. "I don't want to go to a party!"

The door to our room opened and Kisame walked in, dress in a fancy tuxedo. He took one look at Kate and whistled. "There's a babe in this room – besides Dessie." He added the last part with a grin in my direction.

"What?" I asked. "Do my boobs look so good they count as a second person tonight?"

"I meant Kate…"

"Sure, you did."

Kisame rolled his eyes and gave Kate a quick hug and kiss.

"You won't be able to wear such dresses for long," said Kisame. "You're going to get fat soon."

"Don't remind me," groaned Kate. "I'm going to swell up like a balloon!"

"You'll be a babe of a balloon," said Kisame.

I mimed vomited in the corner. Kisame flipped me off.

"We're supposed to meet Aram in the living room," said Kisame, taking Kate by the hand. "You coming, Dessie?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll follow the disgusting couple."

I trudged after them down the series of hallways until we reached the living room. The rest of the Akatsuki were already in the living room in their dress clothes (courtesy of Aram, according to him they were necessary for our next task). Hidan and Deidara were having an irritated conversation in the corner. Leader was having his bowtie fixed by Konan, who was wearing a long blue dress (completely useless for combat – Konan! I expected better of you!). Tobi had switched from pretending to be a kangaroo to pretending to be a penguin – which made sense with the suit. Kakuzu and Sasori were discussing some sort of conning method, while Zetsu was munch on a bag of toes that Aram apparently found for him. Aram and Nerissa were standing together having a private conversation. Itachi was standing in the corner looking as sexy as usual while Madara stood in the opposite corner (I think he was trying to have a I Can Look Cooler Than You While Doing Nothing competition with Itachi, but I can't be sure).

"You look good," said Konan, looking us over.

"I look sexiest with normal clothes," I muttered.

"You look sexiest with nothing on!" shouted Hidan.

I nodded and shrugged. "I can't argue with that. Hey – Aram – can I just go to this party in the nude."

Aram stopped his conversation with Nerissa and turned to grin at me. "As entertaining as that would be, it would defeat the purpose of this task."

"Which is…" said Kakuzu slowly.

"To attend this party without getting obliterated from existence by a god," said Aram cheerfully.

I groaned. "Is it just me or are these tasks getting stupider by the second?"

"Well," said Madara. "The entire Akatsuki is just stupid evil people running around doing stupid evil things for the sake of stupid evil – how is this any different."

I paused. "Our stupid evil things actually had a point in the end… I think." I turned to Leader. "Are the stupid evil things we do for no reason at all or do they have a point?"

"Of course they have a point!" snapped Leader.

"That's the difference," I said, turning back to Madara.

"But this has a purpose too," said Aram. "Our entertainment."

I blinked. "That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard. Our reasons are better than that… I think. They're better than that, aren't they, Leader?"

Leader glared.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"As fun as watching this is," said Aram. "We really shouldn't be late for the party. Everyone ready?"

"Do we have a choice?" I asked irritably.

"Nope."

I cross my arms and took another gulp of vodka. "Is the party over with yet?"

"We've been here for ten minutes, uhn," said Deidara.

"If you keep asking that every two minutes, I will cut your head off and serve it as one of the refreshments," said Hidan.

The three of us – Deidara, Hidan, and me – had arrived at the party and made a beeline for the refreshments table. The place to stand where you feel like you're not one of the awkward people at the walls who don't belong (like Zetsu), but you're not crazy person dancing in the middle of the floor (like Tobi).

"I hate parties," I said.

"At least you look good," said Hidan darkly. "Why do I have to wear a shirt!"

"The fangirls with die of disappointment, uhn," said Deidara.

"Meh. Let them die," said Hidan. "I won't even bother digging their graves. I might even sacrifice the grave diggers to Jashin-sama before they can finish digging the graves."

"Now that's evil," I said, helping myself to another pastry.

"Excuse me."

I glanced up from my pastry to see a _gorgeous_ goddess standing in front of us. She was blond and beautiful with busty boobs (hurray for alliteration). And guess what her name was – Borbora.

"What do you want?" I asked waspishly. Not only was her dress completely hindering of all fight moves, but she also dared to have boobs that could compete with mine (they weren't bigger, but there were up there).

Borbora glared at me and I glared back. Before I could show her who was the real bombshell here, Deidara grabbed me by the shoulders and clamped a hand over my mouth. "Nice to meet you, uhn." He smiled.

"What are you doing?" I hissed after he released me.

"We can't piss off any gods, uhn."

"I wasn't going to piss her off," I said.

Deidara snorted. "She was already pissed off and every word that comes out of your mouth is a piss-off-as-fast-as-you-can-pill, uhn."

"Did you really just say that?" I asked.

"Shut up, uhn."

We turned back to Borbora, who was engaged in a conversation with Hidan.

"You're from the Fence?" she asked. "What's it like there?"

Hidan considered this. "I kill a lot of people."

Borbora laughed – a high pitched tinkling sound that drove me crazy. "Is killing your hobby?"

"My job."

"Right," she said. "Criminally organization. I should have known."

"What is she!" I hissed. "The goddess of bimbos!"

"Probably, uhn."

The song changed and Borbora smiled. "I love this song. Come dance with me." She didn't give Hidan a choice and grabbed him by the hand. She dragged him only the dance floor and started prancing around like the giant slut she is.

"Can I kill her?" I asked.

Deidara sighed. "She's an immortal goddess, uhn."

"So then can I serious injure her?"

"Not tonight. Go hunt her down tomorrow and then cause all the torment you want, uhn."

I grinned. "And that is why I'm friends with you. So how should we start the torture session? "

"Well," said Deidara. "We could blow her to smithereens, uhn."

"No, no, that has to come at the end. I think we should cut off her breasts. They're annoying."

"More annoying than yours, uhn?'

I glared at Deidara. "Mine are the most annoying."

"You should have been a porn star," said Deidara.

"Okay… How did I walk into a conversation about porn starts?" Madara stood by the refreshments table, looking extremely bemused.

"We're plotting how to kill the bimbo dancing with Hidan," I said. "Want to join?"

Madara shrugged. "What better the homicide at a party? So what have you got so far?"

"We're ending with a giant explosion and we're going to slice off her annoying boobs."

"It's because hers are bigger than yours, right?"

I tried to kick Madara in the stomach, but he caught my leg and held it there for a second. "Try again in a hundred years."

"I can see your underwear," said Deidara casually. "Zebra print, uhn?"

I put my leg back drown and glowered at both Madara and Deidara. "Stupid dress – and zebra print is awesome!"

"Anyways," said Madara. "We were plotting."

"Oh right. Well, that's all we have so far – you have anything to contribute?"

Madara considered for a second. "She's immortal, right? So why don't we crack open her skull and tear out her precious brain matter and then rip open her guts and then replace her intestines with brain matter and replace her brain matter with intestines."

Deidara looked slightly repulsed. I grinned. "You're satisfyingly evil, Porcupine."

Madara rolled his eyes. "That would have been complimentary if you had left off the 'Porcupine' part."

"But I wouldn't be Dessie if I did that."

"And who is this lovely beauty in red?"

I spun around to see – – a Hottie of the highest caliber! I shall call him Divine-Hottie and he shall be mine and shall be my Divine-Hottie."

"Hottie!" I cried delightedly.

The god smiled. "I see you have good taste as well as good looks."

"Oh hell I do," I said.

Divine-Hottie laughed. "I like you. Would you honor me with a dance?"

"With you, Hottie? Of course."

"Traitor, uhn," muttered Deidara as I took Divine-Hottie's hand and followed him out onto the dance floor.

Well, normally I'd say dancing is not my forte, but Divine-Hottie turned out to be Erama the god of dance – so we set fire to the dance floor. We danced circles are Hidan and his bimbo and even Kate and Kisame looked upon us with envy. Funnily enough, as we danced past Madara and Deidara I heard Madara mutter something that sounded oddly like "castration". But then again, I could be imagining things.

"You're so hot," I told Divine-Hottie as we danced. "Though I think Original-Hottie is hotter. But don't feel bad, there is not defeating Original-Hottie. I think you're hotter than Bloody-Hottie though. And even Too-Perfect-To-Be-True-Hottie. Red-Hottie could give you a run for your money… You're definitely better than Lime-Hottie, he was an asshole. Gave me little brain minions. Oh, I don't think you can beat Mini-Hottie, but he's related to the Original-Hottie, so that's inevitable."

I didn't realize it, but during my entire Hottie rant, Divine-Hottie was slowly becoming more and more pissed off. He picked up the dancing pace until my feet were magically leaping from place to place at a rapid speed that my eyes could not keep up with – I'm pretty sure that was unsafe.

"Er – Divine-Hottie," I said. "I think I'm done dancing."

"Hottie?" he snapped. "Why don't you just get Original-Hottie to save you?"

I blinked. "Okay then, I will." I glanced over my shoulder and looked towards to more awesome part of the room (so called that because, of course, Itachi was there). "Itachi! Save me!"

The reaction was instantaneous. Itachi strode across the room in all his coolness and plucked me from Divine-Hottie's grasp. Itachi's red eyes flashed and he glared at Divine-Hottie coldly. "What are you doing?"

"Who are you?" snapped Divine-Hottie.

"Itachi."

"The Original-Hottie," I added. "Look upon hit hot coolness and realize you cannot win!" I added in a maniacal laugh here for effect.

Divine-Hottie's eyes narrowed. "He's not that hot."

"What the fuck do you know?" I snapped. "You have no eyes! No eyes! Are you blind! Look at his perfect facial structure! Look at his build – his _build_! Look at those eyes, so sexy and badass! And that hair – he doesn't even use _brand name products_! He is heaven's gift to the universe – and yet you _dare_ insult him!"

"Hn."

I stopped ranting. "Come on, Itachi. Let me beat him to a pulp."

"Hn."

"I know the task, but he dared to insult your looks."

"Hn."

"Fine!" I stormed off back to the refreshments table with Itachi following close behind.

"What happened?" asked Madara.

"Divine-Hottie's an asshole who tried to kill me via dancing. What's new with you?"

Deidara sighed. "I told you ever word out of your mouth just pisses people off, uhn."

"It's true," said Madara.

"Hn."

"_What do you mean – you're better than me? I'm am _Pain_. There is no one better than me_."

We all turned around to look across the dance floor. Leader and Konan were standing on the other side. Konan looked exasperated as Leader engaged in an obnoxiously loud argument with a tall, blond-haired god.

"Pain? What does pain have to do with anything?" asked the god (who I later learned was Quen the god of arrogance).

"Pain is the key to peace!" cried Leader. "Don't underestimate it!"

"I just think it sounds like some sort of hero-wannabe." Quen scoffed. "That doesn't sound cool to me at all."

"I'm evil!" snapped Leader. "Don't confuse me with happy-friend-forever idiots like Naruto!"

"Someone should stop them, uhn," said Deidara. "Before Quen decides to obliterate Leader."

"That would be kind of funny," said Madara thoughtfully.

"I think I'll go help Leader," I said. And before any of them could stop me, I strutted across the dance floor and stepped between Leader and Quen. "Hello, my friends."

"This can't be good," muttered Konan.

"Who are you?" asked Quen.

I smiled sweetly. "Someone who is going to beat your ass in awesomeness!"

Konan groaned. "Crash and burn…"

"Awesomeness!" cried Quen. "I'm far more awesome than you'll ever be – I'm a _god_."

I yawned. "That's old news. Kisame – the weird fish guy – was a god for two seconds. I could be a god if I really wanted to, but being a god is so overrated. I have better, more powerful things on my mind."

"Like what?"

I grinned and pointed directly at Quen. "Just you wait, little underling. One day you will bow before me – the Evil Immortal Overlord of the Universe! I tasted power when I ruled Seanova, but now that I see the true world for what it is, my ambitions have grown! Now I will rule the universe one day and all will bow before me!" I cackled. "And you will be nothing but an _ant_ at the bottom of my shoe!"

"And here's where we stop the crazy overlord."

Before I could finish my speech of awesomeness, Madara picked me up off the ground and carried me back across the room. Quen, Leader, and Konan watched me go, each one of them speechless.

"Madara!" I wailed. "Put me down!"

"You're going to kill us all," said Madara in exasperation.

"No! I must show that pathetic god my true power! I am way more awesome than he will ever be!"

Madara put me down next to the refreshments table. "You're awesome. Now shut up and listen. Yelling that you're awesome will accomplish nothing. You must pretend to be less awesome than you are so they won't suspect you. Then, you sneak up behind them when they least expect it and then show them exactly how awesome you truly are. Get it?"

I paused to consider. "I think so."

"Good."

I glanced across the room where Quen and Leader were back in the middle of their argument. After a moment's consideration, I tip-toed around the dance floor and snuck up behind Quen. He was still arguing heatedly with Leader.

"You're nothing but a puny little human," cried Quen. "I am a _god_."

"Who cares?" asked Leader.

"Anyone with half a br–"

"I'M WAY MORE AWESOME THAN YOU'LL EVER BE AND I HAVEN'T EVEN REACHED THE PEAK OF MY AWESOMENESS YET!"

Leader, Konan, and Quen stared.

I cackled madly and then sprinted back to the refreshment's table. "How'd I do?"

Madara facepalmed.

"Well," he said. "At least you learned something…"

I grinned and picked up my bottle of vodka from the table. "Cheers," I said. "To a night that has significantly less fighting and alcohol than parties ought to have."

Madara took the bottle from me and gulped down a good portion of it. "At least it has the right amount of stupidity."

* * *

**A/N: Review or Madara will chop off your head with his cool sexy manner and then vodka-and-coffee while standing over your corpse.**


	29. Akatsuki In Love

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Akatsuki In Love**

**Kate**

I sat in the corner of the dance party with a trash bin at my side. I had been having a good time until the nausea hit me. That wasn't anything new. Ever since Yola had been rude enough to make me pregnant (I will not say 'impregnate' – never!) waves of nausea had been a common thing. That and weird cravings. Right now Kisame was on a hunt to find one of those little mashed potato martinis I had seen earlier. Not that mashed potato martinis are weird cravings. But I did make him find me some Casu Marzu (cheese with larvae living inside it to add flavor). One look at the insects though and I threw up. Yep. Weird cravings.

"How are you enjoying pregnancy?"

I turned my head and – filled with dread – I saw that to my right stood the horrible, terrifying Yola in all her pregnant glory.

"You," I said flatly.

Yola smiled. "I guess you're enjoying it. So what's the weirdest craving you've had yet?"

"Casy Marzu."

Yola made a face. "I tried that once, disgusting. I've had a few. Sannakja – that's the live octopus tenacles – those things get suctioned real easy, so be careful if you ever have that craving. And then there was Balut – that's a chicken egg that's almost ready to hatch so you can see the baby chick inside when you eat it. Oh – and friend tarantulas, that was truly gross. But the worst – and I say the worst because they're terrible cute – was raw puffin heart."

I threw up in the trash bin.

"Yep," said Yola. "That was my response."

Yola caught sight of someone across the room and left. Seconds after she had gone, Kisame appeared with a mashed potato martini.

"I don't want it now," I groaned.

"Why not?" asked Kisame. "I went and begged them for you."

I pointed at the trash can.

"Ew." Kisame sighed and sat down on the floor next to me. He helped himself to my mashed potato martini. "So, enjoy being the pregnant lady?"

"There are some perks," I said. "My breasts are bigger."

Kisame grinned. "I've noticed."

I glanced down at my chest and then back to Kisame. "You pervert!" I squeaked.

"It's not like I've never seen them before," said Kisame, shrugging. "Those it's nice to have them super sized."

I probably would have responded if Konan did not come sprinting across the room at that moment, crying, "I have Cupid's Bow!"

Kisame and I both sat up to stare at Konan in horror.

"What?" I cried.

Konan stood before us, grinning like a demon, waving the little bow and its matching set of arrows triumphantly.

"Do they work?" asked Kisame in awe.

"They're Cupid's," said Konan. "They'd better work."

"How'd you get them?" I asked.

"I stole it from him while he was flirting with the blond bimbo Hidan was dancing with earlier," said Konan.

"I think this defies the 'try not to be obliterated from existence' rule," I muttered.

"Who cares?" asked Kisame. "We have Cupid's bow! Let's shoot someone! Let's shoot someone! Who should we shoot?" Kisame considered.

Konan was already setting up the now to fire. "Hidan and Dessie will find love again…"

Kisame grinned broadly. "The Love Guru will be successful!"

"And his She-Cupid," I said eagerly.

"And their Aphrodite," said Konan. She aimed the bow, pointing the air directly at Hidan's heart.

Now, at this point most normal people would say this is a terrible idea and we should stop. However, Konan was talking to the Love Guru and a pregnant woman – neither of whom were particularly reasonable even under normal circumstances. So, we let her aim Cupid's bow and fire at Hidan.

She hit Dessie instead.

Dessie stood up and blinked rather stupidly (she couldn't see the arrow that had jut pierced her heart). She turned to the person in front of her and immediately fell madly in love. Unfortunately, that person happened to be Leader.

"You!" cried Dessie, pointing at Leader. "Punk-Ass-Hottie!"

"What?" said Leader. "Me?"

Dessie giggled. "Yes, you."

"What about me?" Leader stared at Dessie in confusion.

Dessie blushed and waved a hand at Leader. "Look away! Look away! Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"

"What…?"

I stared at her, open-mouthed. I would not have believed Dessie could act this way if I did not see it myself. She batted her eyelashes and giggled and flirted like a pro. Oh my god… Is this Dessie when she's seriously in love!

"I think it's the effect of the arrow," said Kisame firmly. "This is _not_ Dessie."

I shook my head mutely.

"How dare she!" cried Konan. "Don't – Don't bat your eyes like that! Leader! Run away from that dangerous she-devil! Run away!"

"I don't think it's working," said Kisame as Dessie enveloped Leader in a giant bear-hug.

"I should shoot her," said Konan.

"You've already shot her!" I wailed.

Konan frowned. "Fine. I'll shoot Hidan instead. Maybe with Hidan in love with her again, she'll forget about Leader!"

"That is disastrous in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe it," I said.

Kisame laughed. "This is hilarious. We should give Konan weapons of love more often!"

Konan drew back the bow and aimed for Hidan. Once again, she missed terribly and struck Deidara instead. Unfortunately, the first person Deidara saw was Madara. Before any of us could fully register what had just happened, Deidara flung his arms around Madara's neck and begged Madara to be his "one and only". Konan didn't really see any of this, because right as she shot Deidara, Dessie had tried to kiss Leader. So, Konan dropped the bow and sprinted across the room to save Leader.

"I love this thing," said Kisame, picking up the bow. "So, Kate, who should we shoot next?"

I paused, considering. As I watched Deidara try to undress Madara (who knew Deidara plus magic Cupid love arrow could equal frightening pervert), all reason left me. This was hilarious!

"You should shoot Zetsu," I said. "He needs to find someone new besides Hannah."

Kisame grinned and drew the bow. Thankfully, he has much better aim than Konan and actually hit Zetsu. Zetsu stood there, blinking stupidly and then he turned to stare at Kakuzu with a ridiculously soppy expression on his face.

"Well this should be funny," said Kisame.

"If Kakuzu doesn't kill him," I said as Zetsu sprinted to Kakuzu's side and licked Kakuzu's cheek. "I think those arrows do funny things to people."

"Definitely," said Kisame. "So who next?"

"Sasori," I said firmly. "He doesn't go crazy enough."

Kisame drew the bow and – _whack_ – sunk an arrow into Sasori's heart. Sasori's eyes fell directly on – insert drum noises here – Konan. He strutted across the floor and caught Konan by the wrist. He said something to her, which made Konan turn bright red and severely ticked Leader off. So, while Leader tried to murder Sasori, Konan dealt with her conflicting feelings, Sasori tried to pursue Konan, and Dessie tried to Hottie-hug-tackle Leader, Kisame and I tried to find our next target. Which was poor Tobi.

The arrow plunged into Tobi's heart. He stood there for a moment, dazed. And then threw his hands up in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi would never have unpure thoughts about Deidara-senpai! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Unpure thoughts go away! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!"

Kisame was doubled over with laughter. "I love messing with Tobi."

"Tobi and Deidara," I said, giggling. "I can see it. All those games of House…"

"Okay," said Kisame, picking up the bow. "I've got our next target."

"Who?" I asked eagerly.

"Itachi Uchiha."

I gasped. "Kisame! You want to wreck the King of Cool's cool?"

Kisame drew the bow and aimed it directly at Itachi, who was standing by the refreshment table sexily watching the mayhem that was occurring with the Akatsuki. Kisame took a deep breath and fired.

Itachi caught the arrow.

I'm not kidding. He just reached out a hand and clasped hold of the arrow. His red eyes flickered directly to us and stayed there. Slowly, he lowered his hand and the arrow disappeared. He walked across the dance floor, never moving his eyes from us.

"Oh crap," said Kisame. "He's going to kill us."

"Hide the bow!" I cried. "Hide the bow!"

"He's already seen it!"

Itachi had arrived. He looked at Kisame and then turned to me. "Kate."

"Yes," I squeaked.

"Well you marry me?"

I fell out of my seat. Literally. "What!"

"Wait!" cried Kisame, stepping in front of Itachi. "Kate is my girlfriend! You're my partner! You can't go around stealing your partner in crime's girlfriend – there are rules against these things! Just ask Leader!" (Leader was currently busying beating Sasori over the head with a drumstick from the refreshment table).

"I'm sorry, Kisame," said Itachi gravely. "But I've realized my undying love for Kate. I caught the arrow the was flying to me and when I looked up – there she was, in all her pregnant beauty."

I was speechless.

"Okay, okay," said Kisame, dropping the bow and arrows to the floor. "I;m sorry whatever karma I've offended! I've learned my lesson – don't use Cupid's bow to be the Love Guru! Don't have Itachi fall in love with my girlfriend! I can't compete with that!"

Itachi bent over and picked up the bow and arrows. "Hn."

Kisame froze. "Wait – what?"

Itachi glared at Kisame. "You do stupid things." And then Itachi walked away, taking Cupid's possessions with him.

"That asshole!" cried Kisame. "He totally played us!"

"What would he have done if I accepted his proposal?" I asked in wonder.

"Kate!" cried Kisame, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Don't tell me he struck you with one of the arrows!"

"What? No. I was just… Never mind." I got to my feet and sighed. "We should probably go save the rest of the Akatsuki."

"Oh… Right…"

How should I describe the scene before the refreshments' table. Deidara had somehow managed to wrestle Madara's shirt off and, in blind rage, Madara had beaten Deidara to a bloody pulp. Madara now stood above the broken body, dusting his hands off. Zetsu was still trying to lick Kakuzu to death and Kakuzu seemed to have reverted to his happy place (a magical world where he has an infinite supply of money). Tobi was still running in circles describing in horrific detail the "unpure thoughts" he was having about Deidara-senpai. Dessie was now trying to strange Konan, who was apparently the object of Leader's affections while Sasori was trying to save Konan, but was preoccupied with Leader (who apparently hadn't noticed Dessie and Konan yet) trying to rip a hole in Sasori's heart.

"They're all insane," I muttered.

Kisame nodded. "What, um, do we do?"

"I don't know…"

"_What is going on here_?"

A short, fat man dressed entirely in pink stormed across the room, his hands on his hips and his pudgy eyes narrowed in suspicion. Itachi was a little ways behind the man, looking as sexy as usual.

"I take it you must be Cupid," said Kisame sheepishly.

"Were _you_ the one who stole my bow?" snarled Cupid.

"Technically that was Konan…"

Cupid glared. "I should obliterate you where you stand."

"That… That really isn't necessary…" Kisame looked around desperately. Then, he grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me in front of them. "You see, my girlfriend is pregnant. She needs me to support her! How would you feel about ruining true love and killing a man when his girlfriend needs him the most – that's just cruel!"

"Kisame!" I hissed.

Cupid's eyes narrowed. Then, he turned on his heels and stormed off.

"What's going on?"

I glanced over at the rest of the Akatsuki. Dessie was stilling holding onto Konan's neck, but there was a dazed look on her face. Slowly, she let go of Konan. She stared down at her hands and then back at Konan. "Why was I trying to kill you?" asked Dessie.

"You were in love with Leader…" said Konan, massaging her neck.

"That crazy old man!" cried Dessie. "Ew no."

Sasori kicked Leader off of him and got to his feet. "Well, we're going to pretend that never happened."

"Agreed," said Leader.

Tobi stopped running and stood there, looking rather dumbfounded. "What words just came out of Tobi's mouth?" Tears welled up in Tobi's eyes. "Tobi is a bad boy!" He rushed to Dessie's side and bawled on her shoulder while she glared at him irritably.

Deidara opened his swollen eyes and sat up. He gazed up at the shirtless Madara and blinked.

"Hey, Madara," said Deidara. "This is a fancy party – no shirt, no shoes, no service, uhn."

"You're the one who took it off me, dumbass," said Madara before he kicked Deidara in the face.

Finally, Zetsu stopped licking at sat up. He was straddling Kakuzu's chest – one leg on either side – while Kakuzu was lying on the ground, his eyes glazed over.

"Yuck," said Zetsu. "Why does our mouth taste like mud." He licked his arm. "Kakuzu tastes bad. We won't eat him again." He paused. "We don't think we were eating him…" Horror flooded Zetsu's face and he shrieked. He leapt off Kakuzu and shrieked again. "We didn't do anything! We didn't do anything! What have we done!"

Kakuzu blinked and reality came flooding back. "Is it over?" he asked sitting up.

Zetsu shrieked.

Kakuzu punched him in the face. "You're paying for therapy!"

Well, the good news is – we survive the party without being obliterated by the gods. The bad news its, every single member of the Akatsuki was pissed at Kisame, Konan, and me. I guess that counted as yet another failure by the Love Guru. Please don't tally up the score…

* * *

**A/N: I do not support any yaoi except for comedic situations. If you are a fangirl - congrats, you have had two chapters to satisfy your dosage, but I will not write it unless it is canon. Just to clear things up.**

**REVIEW or Kisame will shoot your ass with Cupid's Bow and we'll see what kind of crazy, ugly-ass person you'll end up in bed with the next day.**


	30. The Problem With Demon Moles

**Chapter Thirty: The Problem With Demon Moles**

**Hannah**

I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the floor of a dark tunnel. My head ached like hell. I sat up and rubbed it with the palm of my hand. There was a lump on the back of my head beneath my brown hair. Great…

"Hannah! You're awake!"

I glanced down the tunnel and saw the handsome maniac who had brought me here (by dropping me down a hole in the floor while I was in the middle of eating a delicious lemon tart!). Ren was holding a ball of flaming light in his left hand. The light illuminated the tunnel, showing the arched stone walls and revealing the wild grin on Ren's face.

"You…" I groaned. "Why did you bring us here?"

"We're going to the Dale to see your friends!" cried Ren.

"We're in a tunnel."

"That leads to the Dale," said Ren, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "We have to travel through the tunnels and eventually we'll reach the Dale."

"Is that the _only _way to get there?"

"You can use Four's orbs, but I don't have contact with him, so that's useless." Ren started walking down the tunnel, the light in his hand illuminating the path ahead of us.

"Four?" I asked, following Ren with trudging footsteps.

"Do you know him?"

I snorted. "It's a long story."

Ren grinned and clapped his hands excitedly. "We have a long journey ahead of us – story time!"

"No."

"No?" Ren pouted. "But Hannah… Story time is fun!"

"Say what you want," I said. "I'm not telling you a story."

"Fine, fine," said Ren reluctantly. "If you insist, I'll go first."

"I never said that."

"But after I tell my story, you have to tell me one of yours – okay? Okay." Ren closed his eyes and screwed up his face. "Let me see… Story time… Story time… Oh! I got it! The Time Princess Fou Mia Escaped!"

"Does that happen often?"

"At least four times a week."

"You should put that cheetah on a leash."

Ren gasped. "Princess Fou Mia? On a leash? Never! Blasphemy! I think that defies religion!"

"Which religion?"

"All of them!"

I sighed. "Because there are so many religions that involve pet cheetahs named Princess Fou Mia."

"Only the best religions mention it."

I rolled my eyes and stumbled down the tunnel after Ren. He _seemed_ to know where he was going, but with Ren I could never be sure.

"So how long have you had Princess Fou Mia for?" I asked in a pathetic attempt to make conversation.

"Forever."

Well… That wasn't totally impossible since he was a god… My eyes narrowed and I asked, "So is she a deceased cheetah or a god or what?"

Ren glanced a me over his shoulder and a wide grin spread across his handsome face. "She's a magical cheetah."

I groaned. "That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

"But it's true," said Ren proudly. "And everyone knows the best kind of cheetah is the magical kind of cheetah."

"Why do I know you?"

Ren giggled (a truly unmanly sound). "Because you were killed by a giant beast and forced to come to the Underworld when it wasn't you time, so you decided you wanted to return to life so Minato and Kushina brought you to me and I'm bringing you to the Dale so you can meet up with your fun friends and win the votes of all 367 gods and return to life."

"Well," I said. "That was a handy recap of the situation."

"I thought it was pretty good," said Ren. "Maybe I could be a commentator as a side job – _and so_," he made his voice deep, "_Hannah and Ren wandered through the endlessly dark tunnels searching for a way out. The rocks were slimy and shifted when they thought no one was looking. The tunnels endlessly altered their destinations and tried, with a mind of their own, to get helpless wanderers lost. Hannah followed Ren with blinding trust – for how could she not trust such an admirable man? – but little did she know that Ren really had no idea how to reach the Dale via the tunnels since he has not been to the Dale in thousands of years._"

I stopped walking. "Ren!"

"Yes?"

"Not only does your commentating suck, but you don't know where you're going!"

Ren grinned. "Shush, Hannah. You're not supposed to listen to the commentary."

"I'm going to kill you." I reached for my trusty frying pan of doom and despair, only to find that it wasn't there. Death's a bitch like that. It takes away the most important things in your life. I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "I hate being dead!"

"Hannah?" cried Ren, rushing to my side. "Darling, Hannah, what's wrong? Tell Ren-Ren – he can help you!"

"You can help me by not using stupid pet names!"

Ren frowned. "But pet names are fun. I'll be Ren-Ren and you be…" He grinned. "You can be Princess Hannah."

I groaned. Why wasn't it here? Why is it that when I need it the most, it can't be with me?

"Tell, Ren-Ren – Ren-Ren can help you with all your problems." Ren patted my head gently.

"I need my frying pan…" I said through gritted teeth.

"That's it?"

I looked up and stared at Ren's open face. He grinned and out of nowhere produced a twelve inch frying pan of stainless steel wrapped aluminum with a non-slip handle. It was almost a holy artifact. Slowly, I took the frying pan from Ren's grasp and stared at it in awe.

"Here you go," said Ren. "I didn't know you liked to cook so much. But then again, I have chefs do all my cooking for me. Maybe there is some secret fun to cooking. You should teach me some time – wouldn't that be fun?"

I was too busy admiring the frying pan to care.

"The best part is," continued Ren. "It's a magical frying pan. And we all know the best kind of frying pan is the magical kind of frying pan! So basically, even if you lose your precious frying pan, it will come right back to you when you need it – isn't that great?" Ren beamed. "I could make nothing less for my Princess Hannah!"

I whacked him over the head with the frying pan.

Ren's eyes rolled back in his head and he toppled to the ground. I stepped over his fallen body and continued walking. "Thanks for the present."

Ren groaned. "No problem… Princess… Hannah…"

Eventually, Ren recovered from his head trauma and was skipping along the passage next to me again, his usual sickeningly cheerful self. However, I had my beloved _magical_ frying pan of doom and despair – which meant every time Ren threatening to be too annoying, I just whacked him over the head with the frying pan. All was right in the universe again.

"…And then this one time, Princess Fou Mia snuck out the garbage shoot! The garbage shoot! A beautiful and poised princess shoulder never have to touch filth, let alone crawl through it like some kind of animal." Ren shuddered and I felt it was better not to point out that Princess Fou Mia was an animal. "Of course," said Ren thoughtfully. "She was terribly clever to use the garbage shoot! That wonderful, beautiful, poised, and _cunning_ Princess Fou Mia – she's incredible!"

I sighed. "How many more stories of run away Princess Fou Mia are there?"

"At least a hundred more," said Ren proudly. "Noun and Smithy have incredible experience when it comes to cheetah catching. But, boy, is she fast!"

"Well, she is a cheetah…"

"Yeah… Bu…"

Ren never got to finish that sentence, because the world fell apart.

Well, not literally, but the tunnel shook violently and parts of the walls started to collapse. It was like a massive earthquake that threatened to bring the whole tunnel down upon us – which, unfortunately, my magical frying pan could not save me from.

Ren's eyes had grown really wide and he seemed to have gone into shock (not really expected from Ren). Then, slowly, a wide smile spread across his handsome face (which was actually not all that surprising – this is _Ren _we're talking about).

"What are you doing!" I cried.

Ren tipped his head back and let out a bark of laughter.

He's gone insane, I decided. All that unrequited love of Princess Fou Mia has finally gone to his head and he's snapped. It was the only semi-logical explanation.

Then, Ren turned to me and cried, "The All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole is coming!"

I stared. And stared. And stared. "WHAT!"

"The All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole is coming!" Ren laughed. "Oh this should be fun!"

"What is the All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole!"

"It's a giant mole," said Ren. "That eats everything. Including gods." Ren nodded gravely. "Many a good god has been lost in the jaws of the Demon Mole." He laughed even harder.

"Stop laughing!" I cried. "It's going to eat us!"

"Of course it is," said Ren, grinning madly. "That's why this is fun."

I screamed and ran away.

Hey! Don't judge me. I may have a magical frying pan of doom and despair, but this is an All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole – what can my little frying pan do against that!

So, like the incredible person that I am, I fled down the tunnel as fast as my legs could carry me. The ground and the walls were still shaking violently, causing me to run in some sort of zigzag pattern. Still, I ran and ran and ran. And Ren ran next to me (damn him and his godly speed).

"What are you doing?" asked Ren.

"Fleeing!" I cried.

"But you're run right at the All Eat Giant Underground Demon Mole."

I stopped and stared. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier!"

"Or maybe you want to fight the Demon Mole," said Ren thoughtfully. "That would be incredible brave of you. And heroic." Ren gasped. "Princess Hannah wants to save me! Oh, Princess Hannah, you're too kind."

I was too busy running in the opposite direction the care.

"Wait!" cried Ren, sprinting after me. "Princess Hannah! You can't fight the terrible beast if you run that way!"

"I don't want to fight the stupid beast!" I cried. "I want to live!"

"But you're already dead!"

"I want to live dead!"

"That made absolutely no sense! This isn't like you, Princess Hannah!"

"Will you stop it with the 'Princess Hannah' already!" My legs didn't seem to be able to move fast enough.

"Oh look," said Ren. "I can see the Demon Mole."

I spun around and saw- down the tunnel – were giant gnashing white teeth. The All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole's mouth was the _size_ of the tunnel. Oh my insert name of god here!

I ran even faster.

"The Demon Mole is gaining on you," said Ren, catching up to me easily. "Are you sure you don't want to fight it?"

"It will eat me!"

"But I gave you a magical frying pan," said Ren. "Don't you trust the magical frying pan?"

I glared at Ren. The Demon Mole's mouth was only meters away at this point and my legs were growing tired. I couldn't out run the beast for ever. I gritted my teeth, tightened my grasp on the frying pan, and spun around.

.

"Ren!" I screamed.

"Swing the frying pan! Swing the frying pan!"

I swung the frying pan – and completely missed.

"Uh…"

The Demon Mole opened it's mouth, it's teeth right above me. It was going to eat me. It's extremely sharp teeth were going to rip me to shreds. I was going to die. _Again_.

"Ren!"

"Swing the frying pan! Swing it! Princess Hannah! The frying pan is our only hope!"

"What the hell!" I cried, before I lifted the frying pan over my head – WHACK.

I looked up. The frying pan had hit one of the Demon Mole's teeth. The teeth vibrated as if struck by an incredible force. There was a low moan from within the Demon Mole's throat. Then, slowly, the Demon Mole inched backwards, shivering in pain.

"What… did I just do?" I asked.

Ren skipped over to my side and flung his arms around me. "Princess Hannah! Princess Hannah! You're awesome!"

I hit Ren over the head with the frying pan. "What did I just do? Why didn't the frying pan do anything magical?"

"It did!" cried Ren, rubbing his head where I had hit him. "The frying pan amplifies your strength by ten. You just knocked his sore tooth loose." Ren grinned. "Princess Hannah! You saved my life!"

"Your life was never in danger."

Ren leapt to his feet and clapped his hands excitedly. "Princess Hannah, you should marry me."

"What?'

Ren nodded. "That's the only way to properly thank you for saving my life."

"You were having fun."

"Princess Hannah," said Ren, addressing me with the upmost severity. "I will help you return to life and after that I will honor you with my hand in marriage." Ren blushed. "Please take good care of me."

"Shut up, idiot." I said and hit him over the head with the frying pan again. "I already have a husband and a boyfriend besides and a bitch. I don't need a second husband."

Ren frowned. "Really? Princess Hannah as quite the harem – as expected of such a rare beauty whose looks and poise and cunning can only be defeated by the perfect Princess Fou Mia!" Ren laughed. "I've got it! Since I can't be your husband, I'll just be you BFF instead. That ought to work!" He flung his arms around my neck in joy. "BFF! Best Friends Forever!"

I groaned. "What?"

Ren let go of me and started skipping down the tunnel. I sighed and trailed after him, even if it mean listening to him talk about how we were going to go shopping together and hunt down Demon Moles together and get out hair done together and rule the Underworld together and play with Princess Fou Mia together and punish the evil dead together and have sleepovers together and haunt the living together – all that fun stuff that BFFs do.

…Am I really this unlucky or do I just attract crazy people naturally?

* * *

**A/N: Ren... If only y****ou weren't a figment of my imagination... *sigh***

**REVIEW or Ren will set his collected of All Eating Giant Underground Demon Moles on you! And trust me - they eat all. **


	31. Who What Where When Why

**Chapter Thirty-One: Who What Where When Why**

**Dessie**

Who: Hidan, Sasori, Kate, Kisame, Aram, Deidara, and I

What: Sitting around complaining

Where: Aram's living room.

When: Some time in the late morning

Why: To complain

"I fucking hate this!"

I rolled my eyes in Hidan's direction. "We all fucking hate this."

"Come on now," said Aram. "It can't be that bad…"

"It's terrible," said Sasori. "We have to run around doing stupid stuff to entertain the gods until they get bored with us."

"Well, yes," said Aram. "If it were up to me, Hannah would already be alive again – she's pretty hot and the more living hot girl, the better." Aram grinned. "But you need all three-hundred-and-sixty-seven votes. And unfortunately, you have about ten at the moment."

"Arg!" I groaned, leaning back against the couch and crossing my arms. "I hate this!"

"Hannah is hot though, uhn," said Deidara.

"Not as hot as Dessie," said Aram. "But she has a nice figure. Dessie has a bigger chest."

"As much as I love discussing my chest," I said. "That's not the problem here!"

"It's true," said Hidan. "Dessie loves talking about her breasts."

"She never stops," said Kate, sighing. "Every time she takes a shower. Hey, Kate – my boobs look so good today – why are your boobs so small, you bust be so jealous of me – divine perfection…"

"I like small breasts better," said Kisame dutifully.

Kate smiled and poked him in the side. "You don't have to lie."

"I don't?" Kisame grinned. "Sorry, Kate, but Dessie's boobs are pretty damn fine."

Kate gasped. "Kisame! You're not supposed to admit it! I'm supposed to say you don't have to lie and then you say _but I'm not lying_. And then I'm all moved by your obviously lying and it's a nice moment! Kisame, you meanie!"

Kisame looked like he was at a loss as to what to do. He looked about the room for help.

"You brought this upon yourself," said Sasori.

Kisame glared at me. "Damn you and your boobs!"

"I can't help it that they're divine perfection in the universe," I said with a shrug. "But that's _not_ the point."

"Then what is the point?"

I never got to tell Aram the point, because at that moment, Squisher materialized in the middle of the coffee table. I shrieked and grabbed onto Hidan (to use him as meat shield), while Kate clung onto Kisame for protection. Sasori and Aram looked rather calm by the whole sudden appearance. Deidara was preparing another bomb, but I wasn't sure if that was because he was surprised or simply because he hated Squisher.

"What do you want?" asked Sasori.

"Always the charmer," said Squisher. "You have a new task."

Cue group groan of despair.

* * *

Who: Dino, the god of all things ridiculously tall.

What: The Akatsuki

Where: Inside the grand ball room of Dino's mansion, with glittering chandeliers and ivory statues and a fifty foot high ceiling

When: At some point in time.

Why: To change a light bulb

Problem: The chandelier was about thirty-five feet in the air and we weren't allowed to use jutsus to get it.

"Which means," I said, hands on hips. "We'll have to make a tower."

"This sounds fucking stupid," said Hidan.

From his seat at a finely decorated table, Dino snickered and sipped another bottle of wine.

"Can we kill him?" asked Sasori.

"Unfortunately, no," muttered Konan. "But the moment we're allowed to, I'll help."

"Do we really have to change one stupid light bulb?" asked Kisame, inspecting the little bulb fitted for one of the hanging chandelier.

"This might just be the stupidest task yet, uhn," said Deidara.

Madara glared up at the ceiling and sighed. "You're not wrong there."

"I can't participate," announced Kate. "I'm pregnant."

I groaned. "You're going to end up using that excuse for all our tasks, aren't you?"

"Of course not!" cried Kate. "But you can't put a pregnant lady on top of a tower!"

Kisame patted Kate's head fondly. "Well," he said, turning to address the rest of us, I guess I have to be at the bottom."

"At least you understand your role," I said, patting him on the shoulder.

"I'm at the top," said Leader firmly.

"Shouldn't the lightest be at the top?" asked Sasori.

Leader's eyes narrowed. "I'm in charge here and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand there holding someone else up. If anyone wants to argue with me, they'll have to face months of torture when we get back, which includes slowly pulling out all of your fingernails."

…

"Nah. We're good, uhn," said Deidara.

"I was just pointing out a general misconception," said Sasori.

Leader nodded approvingly. "As long as we have that sorted out." He turned to survey the Akatsuki. "So how should we do this…"

Kisame went and stood underneath the chandelier. "Shouldn't the next two tallest and strongest join me?"

"That would be Kakuzu and…" Leader sighed. "Zetsu – but only because of the Venus flytrap."

Hidan shuddered. "I pity the poor shit who has to stand over Zetsu."

"You'd better pay me for this," said Kakuzu standing on Kisame's right.

"We're doing this for Hannah's sake!" snapped Leader. "Isn't that good enough? There's no way I'm paying you for this stupid thing. Unless someone is paying me for it too. Is someone paying me for it?"

"No…" said Konan.

"Then Kakuzu isn't getting any money either."

I giggled and elbowed Hidan in the ribs. "Leader's throwing a tantrum."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "He's like a fucking baby."

"Only louder."

Zetsu stood on Kisame's other side, a scowl fixed across his face. "We are doing this for Hannah. We never want to be reminded of this day ever again afterwards. We will eat whoever mentions it."

"We're all in the same boat, uhn."

"Okay," said Konan, examining the Akatsuki members. "I guess Tobi and Madara can be next."

Madara groaned. "This is beneath my dignity."

"Come on!" cried Kate, clapping her hands together. "You can do it!"

Madara shot her a murderous glare. "Says the one who isn't doing anything."

"Hey!" cried Kate indignantly. "I am growing an offspring within my womb at his very moment. I will give birth to a living, breathing baby. You think you can compare to that?"

"You're just using baby Felix as an excuse to get out of participating."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Kate wailed.

"Because it's true," I said.

Madara walked over to Kakuzu and Kisame, He shot the both a death-glare, before hopping up onto the hand-platform that Kisame made for him and then standing on Kisame and Kakuzu's heads.

"Do you have to put your feet there?" snapped Kakuzu.

"Stand on our shoulders or something," cried Kisame.

"We're supposed to get as high as we can," said Madara firmly. "Your heads are your highest point – though there's a huge height difference between Kisame and Kakuzu. Maybe I could just stand on Kisame's shoulder…" Madara shifted his foot to Kisame's shoulder while his other foot remained planted on a very pissed off Kakuzu's head.

"I'm going to kill you…" growled Kakuzu.

"Quit complaining," said Konan. "We have to get Tobi up."

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will help reach the ceiling for Hannah-Nunu's sake!"

Once again Kisame used his hands to lift Tobi up. Tobi stood on top of Zetsu's Venus flytrap, one foot on either side of the plant. Zetsu lifted his head and grinned up at Tobi, showing every single one of his sharp teeth.

"Hello, Tobi," said Zetsu. "We're so glad you could join us."

Tobi shrieked and flung his arms around Madara's shoulders. "Save Tobi! Save Tobi! Save Tobi! Zetsu is trying to eat Tobi!"

"Get off me!" snapped Madara, trying to push Tobi away.

"Where's Hannah and her video camera when you need it," I said with a sigh.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you, uhn?" asked Deidara.

I grinned. "Madara and Tobi hugging – it's adorable."

"Don't just stand there!" snapped Madara. "Do something! He's going to destroy he tower!"

Konan sighed (she was really enjoying this scene) and stepped forward. "Tobi. Stop."

Tobi froze and turned to stare at Konan.

"Stop attacking Madara and go back to standing on Zetsu," Konan commanded. "Zetsu. Do not eat Tobi. If you want to save Hannah, you cannot eat Tobi."

"Besides," said Kisame, "You don't know where it's been. If you eat Tobi, you might end up with some strange disease."

Zetsu shuddered. "We understand."

Tobi released Madara and stepped back on top of Zetsu. Then, Konan turned back to the rest of us and announced, "Itachi and Hidan – you're next."

"Aw fuck," said Hidan. "Can't Deidara go next."

"You're taller," said Deidara. He grinned evilly. "Have fun."

"Can I say I'm pregnant too?" asked Hidan.

"Nope," said Kate cheerfully. "That's my role. You have to participate in the Leaning Tower of Bring Hannah Back."

"That's the lamest name I have ever heard," I said.

"Tobi likes it!"

"Yes," said Hidan, approaching the tower warily "But nobody cares what Tobi thinks."

Kisame lifted Hidan up and then Madara begrudgingly lifted Hidan onto his shoulders. The two of them rocked uncomfortably for a moment before they found their balance. Hidan was standing, one foot on each of Madara's shoulders. Madara was holding onto Tobi with one hand and Hidan's foot with the other. Eyes narrowed, Madara glared down at the rest of the Akatsuki, planning how to decapitate us one by one until he embarrassment was satisfied. Urg. I understand the minds of criminal psychopaths all too well.

Kate turned to me. "At least their ninjas, otherwise we'd never be able to do this."

"You're fucking heavy," groaned Madara.

"Shut the fuck up," snapped Hidan. "I bet you're just as bad."

"Actually," called out Kisame from the bottom. "Madara's no that heavy…"

"So says you," said Kakuzu who still had Madara's foot resting on the stop of his head. "I'm going to kill that bastard when this is all over."

"I could drop you," Madara told Hidan, not even listening to Kakuzu's murder plans.

"It's not like I would fucking die," snapped Hidan.

"But you might break a leg if I threw you hard enough…"

"I'd heal. Are you fucking stupid?"

"I could at least pout you through unimaginable pain afterwards," said Madara thoughtfully.

Itachi was standing beneath the tower. He glared up at it, as if the tower were beneath him, and said, "Hn."

"Sorry," said Kisame. "But it must be done."

"Hn."

Kisame used his hands to form a platform. "I'll give you a lift."

"Hn." Itachi stepped onto Kisame's hands and Kisame lifted Itachi. Itachi then clambered (like a badass) on Tobi and Madara until he found himself standing on top of Tobi. Like Hidan, Itachi had one foot on each shoulder. He and Hidan held on to each other while they peered down at the rest of us still remaining.

"Ready?" asked Konan. "Deidara and I are next."

"You?" asked Kate. "Why not Sasori?"

"Sasori's shorter than I am," said Konan with a shrug. "Deidara and I will go. Then Dessie and Sasori. Then Leader."

"This is going to end badly," I groaned.

Sasori nodded mutely.

Konan climbed up the tower pretty easily (though I have the feeling some of the Akatsuki members groped her – not naming any perverts in particular). She stood on top of Itachi's shoulders and, somehow managing to balance, she motioned for Deidara to come up as well.

"This is stupid, uhn," said Deidara, approaching the swaying tower suspiciously.

"Hurry up," snarled Kakuzu. "My head is starting to really hurt."

"Our Venus flytrap hurts," said Zetsu.

"Shut up," snapped Kakuzu. "No one cares about your Venus flytrap."

"We care," said Zetsu.

"Tobi cares!"

Zetsu ignored Tobi. "We count as two people. That's two against one. More people care about our Venus flytrap then about your head."

"I can murder you along with Madara," said Kakuzu. "Wouldn't that be fun. We can have salad for dinner."

"As fun as watch you fight is," said Deidara. "I need to climb, uhn."

Kisame lifted Deidara, and then Madara begrudgingly helped Deidara climb, using his shoulders. Deidara found himself face to face with a glowering Hidan, who seemed to have a severe problem with the ordering of the tower.

"This is fucking stupid," said Hidan, as Deidara climbed up his back. "I should be on top. In the name of Jashin, I should be on top!"

"Shut up," said Konan.

Deidara reached the top and stood on Hidan's shoulders, one hand gripping Konan's arm so that neither of them fell. Konan leaned over slightly and stared all the way down at Sasori, Leader, Kate, and me.

"Are you coming?" she asked.

I turned to Sasori, "You first?"

"Ladies first," he said.

I frowned. "Rock-paper-scissors?"

Sasori lifted his right hand and I did the same – it ended up paper covers rock where Sasori had paper.

"Best two out of three?" I asked.

Sasori pointed to the tower.

Groaning, I approached the tower. Kisame grinned at me even though he was supporting Almost everyone's weight on his left shoulder.

"You'd better not feel me up," I said darkly.

"I wouldn't dream of it," said Kisame, still grinning demonically. "My girlfriend's watching, remember."

Still suspicious, I hopped onto the hand Kisame offered and he lifted me into the air. I wasn't sure where to grab next, but Madara offered me an unwilling hand and I took it. He lifted me up to his level and I placed my feet on Kisame's head (I don't think he was too happy about that).

"How are you/" I asked Madara, managing a winning smile.

"Thrilled," said Madara flatly.

"That's good to hear," I said.

"I feel really light," said Madara. "Especially around the shoulders."

"That's good. As long as you don't feel the _burden_."

"Tobi feels light too, Dessie-Nunu!"

"You still owe me coffee," I told Madara. "You should treat me some time."

"No."

"Come on… Just a little cup of coffee…"

"_Will you two quit chatting and hurry up already_!"

I glanced down at Kakuzu, who was glaring daggers at me. I think I had just earned a spot on his To-Murder List. Great…

Madara made a platform for me with his hands and hoisted me into the air. I grabbed hold of Hidan' pants (there was nothing else to grab onto) and lifted myself up. Hidan cried out and clung to his pants desperately.

"You're pulling them down, bitch!" he cried.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, standing on Madara and Tobi's shoulders. "What's up, Hidan? Itachi? You two look like you're having fun."

"Hurry up, Dessie!" snapped Madara. "You're heavy!"

I stomped down on his shoulder. "Never call a woman heavy, shithead!"

I turned back to Hidan and Itachi. "It's a nice day to hang out, right?"

"Hn."

"Hurry the fuck up!" cried Hidan.

"My, my, someone's in a cranky mood today." I laughed.

"You're annoying," said Hidan.

"You stupid," I snapped. "Get over it."

Itachi offered me a hand and I took it. He lifted me up to Deidara and Konan's level( but not after I made sure to 'accidentally' kick Hidan in the face.

"Hello, Deidara," I said, standing on Hidan's head. "How are you today?"

"I'm going to fall, uhn," said Deidara. "Hurry up and get on my shoulders."

I sighed and clamored up his arms and perched myself on his shoulders. I was too afraid to stand up straight, so I sat on Deidara's head, with each leg crouched up and resting on Deidara's shoulders.

"You're not stand, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"No. I'll fall."

"You're giving me a headache, uhn."

"Too bad."

"I hate you, uhn."

"I hate you too."

"I hope you die, uhn."

"I hope you experience a gruesome death at the hands of Leader. You know how terrifyingly painful that can be. It will probably involve pins. Lots of them. Sticking into your–"

"Will you two shut up already!" cried Konan, glaring at us through her deadly eyes.

"But he's being annoying!" I wailed.

"You're the bitch clinging to my head, uhn!" snapped Deidara.

"What are you yelling about this time?"

I glanced to my right and saw that Sasori had already climbed to the top. He was standing on Konan's shoulders with ease, the balance issues seeming to have no effect on him. I reached out a hand and grabbed hold of Sasori's arm. Using him for balance I slowly stood upright.

"Hey," I said, my legs straightening. "This isn't so bad."

I looked down. Kate was a miniscule figure down there.

"! I'm going to die!"

"Our swearing on the gods has gotten a bit ridiculous," said Sasori.

"I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" I clung to Sasori's arm desperate. "We're all going to die! My head is going to go 'splat' on the ground and my precious brain matter is going to spray everywhere!" I shrieked. "You can't get brain matter like that nowadays!"

"You're insane," said Sasori.

"What's Dessie freaking out about?"

I glanced down to see Leader standing next to Konan. He was glaring up at me, apparently not trusting me enough to stand on my shoulders.

"Just go," said Konan. "My shoulders feel like they're about to break."

"Oh!" shouted Kakuzu. "Your _shoulders_ feel like they're about to break! Madara! Move your foot!"

"No," said Madara. "That would be uncomfortable. It's your fault for being so short!"

"I'm over six foot!"

Leader sighed and scrambled up the side of tower (he avoiding using me to climb on). Finally, Leader reached the top, one foot on my shoulder and one foot on Sasori's shoulder. Leader stood upright and found himself right next to the chandelier.

"Whooo!" Hidan cried. "Change that fucking light bulb!"

Leader blinked. "I forgot to bring the light bulb with me."

"WHAT!"

Dino roared with laughter as he watched this spectacle.

"Kate!" cried Kisame. "Kate! Throw Leader the light bulb!"

Kat picked up the little light bulb and lifted her head to stare all the way up at Leader. She glanced at Kisame. "I don't think I can throw that far…"

"Throw!" screamed Hidan. "Or I will fucking kill you! My shoulders _hurt_!"

Kate gritted her teeth, drew back her arm and _hurled_.

Obviously she fell short. The light bulb flew right at my face. I reached out and snapped the bulb from the air. The tower rocked wildly. I shrieked and grabbed onto Sasori again – which made the tower rock even more wildly. Leader kicked me in the side of the head.

"Stop moving!"

"I'm going to die!" I wailed.

"You're _immortal_!" shouted Leader.

I paused. "Oh yeah…"

I think if they weren't busy holding the tower up, every member of the Akatsuki would have facepalmed. I lifted up the light bulb and Leader snatched it from me. He screwed it in and the light bulb flickered and leapt to life.

"Done!" cried Leader.

"Great," said Kakuzu. And then he stepped out from beneath the tower.

I don't know who fell first – probably Madara. But I do remember this: "!"

Yep. And that's how the Akatsuki tower came crashing down. Thanks Kakuzu.

When all the falling was done, I opened my eyes and found that I had not died, or was even remotely near death. I was sitting on something – or, _more accurately_, someone. I glanced around and found that I was sitting on a silver-haired, purple-eyed, bad-mouthed Jashinist.

"Hey," I said.

"Fuck you," said Hidan.

"You're a comfy cushion," I said.

"You're heavy."

I whacked Hidan over the head. "Just for that, I'm staying right here."

"Get the hell off of him."

At first, I didn't know who had spoken, but I glanced down underneath Hidan and saw that he had fallen on Madara, whose porcupine hair looked extra porcupinish after the fall. Madara my lying on his stomach, with Hidan lying on his back, but I pretty sure Madara was pouting.

"Revenge for earlier," I said. "You called me heavy too."

"You are," grunted Madara.

"That's because Hidan is on top of you as well!"

"If I didn't know what was going on, I would think that was really kinky."

I didn't have to look to know who happened to be lying underneath Madara. Blue and squished, Kisame groaned and glared up at Madara, Hidan, and me.

"You groped me!" I snapped.

"I did not!" cried Kisame.

"Pervert!'

"Liar!"

"Just get the hell off!" shouted Madara and Hidan.

* * *

Who: The Akatsuki

What: Sitting and talking

Where: Aram's living room

When: That night

Why: Because we can!

"This fucking sucks!" I cried, pounding my fist against the couch armrest. "That was the worst task yet!"

"A tower!" cried Hidan. "A fucking tower! How much longer must this go on fir!'

"If I have to do one more stupid task…" I groaned.

"And we have to kill Kakuzu, uhn," said Deidara. "We can't do that while we're busy doing tasks every few seconds."

"Why are you killing Kakuzu?" asked Aram.

"He's an asshole," I cried. "But that's beside the point! How much longer do we have to do these stupid tasks for! I will kill someone if it goes on much longer!"

Aram smiled and leaned back in his seat. He tilted his head to the side, smiling at me fondly. "The tasks will go on and on and on until the gods are satisfied and you each have found your true happiness."

"Our true happiness?" asked Hidan.

"What happiness, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"You just made that up on the spot," I said.

Aram grinned. "It sounded better in my head."

* * *

**A/N: Alright, I'm kind of in a bad mood right now, so forgive my bitching. But I received some reviews from someone (a Guest) and I would like to fix these misunderstandings. **

**I read every single review. All 6,000ish of them. I have read them all. Why? Because I like getting reviews. Yes, a high review count has merit, I enjoy being one of the best (I'm a bitch - you really think a selfless person could write this story?). But what I love more than a high review ,count is getting amusing reviews - my readers are the reason I write this story. They are the reason I update almost daily during the summer. They are the reason I can finish three 90 chapter stories. Because they love my work so much and they review dutifully because I ask them to. I can write these stories because I knew people want me to. Not for vanity, not for pride, but because I fucking love my readers. So don't you dare tell me to copy and paste something at the end of my chapter to prove something to you - I will never do that. Because, I can write a motivational speech about my reasons and my reviews and my reader far better than your little copy and paste paragraph. **

**Thanks for reviewing, Guest!**


	32. Hunting Season

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Hunting Season**

**Kate**

I didn't like this task. I didn't like it at all. I knew the moment Aram sent us there that this task was going to be terrible? Why? Aram was laughing. When he told us there was a new task waiting and created an orb for us, he was snickering the whole time. That's just too suspicious.

Aram transported us to a forest. It was a sparse forest in a hilly landscape where the naked trees grew several feet apart and the ground was brown and dying. The Akatsuki arrived and we stood amongst the deadened landscape, scowling at yet another stupid task.

"Where's the god?" asked Hidan irritably.

"Maybe he's a tree, uhn," said Deidara.

We all turned to stare at Deidara blankly.

"A tree?" asked Konan. "A tree? Really?"

Deidara shrugged. "You never know. Maybe it's treea, goddess of the trees, uhn."

"I expect that kind of comment from Dessie," said Konan, shaking her head in disappointment.

"I'm confused," I said. "Where's the god?"

"It's not just one."

We all spun around to see a tall man with bright green hair – the cursed Hada who made us take a ten question test. We don't like him very much.

"Lime-Hottie!" cried Dessie. "Why are you here?"

"To explain your next task," said Hada cheerfully. "You see, you are in the Fields of the Dying – which is where the gods hold their spectacular hunting parties."

"Well that's kind of boring," said Hidan. "Considering everything here is dead."

Hada smiled. I had a sinking feeling in my heart.

"Well," said Hada. "You're alive."

"Duh," said Hidan. Then he paused. He stared at Hada and understanding slowly dawned in his eyes. "Oh fuck no."

Hada smiled. "Run, run, run. We're rather good at this game." And then Hada disappeared.

"Damn," said Kakuzu.

I laughed. Not genuinely. It was more hysterical than anything else. But I think the Akatsuki may have misinterpreted it. Tobi grabbed me by the shoulders and cried, "Kate has gone insane! Tobi will save her! Tobi will save her!"

"It's not that funny…" said Sasori slowly.

I couldn't stop laughing. Even if Tobi was shaking me violently, the trembling giggles just wouldn't stop coming.

"She's joined the dark side!" gasped Deidara.

Dessie whacked him over the head. "You're getting stupider by the second."

"Maybe if you hit Kate too then she'll stop laughing," said Hidan thoughtfully.

"You're not hitting her!" cried Kisame, wrapping his arms around me protectively.

"Am I the only one who's worried about when the gods are going to start attacking?" asked Konan, looking around the forest nervously.

I was still laughing like maniac.

"Tobi is scared of Kate."

"I think that's the first time I ever heard those words," said Dessie.

"You forget when she's in _that other_ mode," said Hidan.

"Yeah, but that doesn't really count as Kate. This is normal non-Felix, N=non-_that other thing_, just plain Kate." Dessie paused. "Except she's pregnant."

"That explains a lot," said Madara.

And then the first arrow fired. It landed in the ground between Zetsu and Itachi. We all stared at it, unable to comprehend exactly what was happening. And then the next arrow fired – but it wasn't alone. There were at least thirty arrows soaring through the air, aimed at us.

I screamed.

"Run!" cried Konan, before turning tail and sprinting as fast as she could in the direction opposite the arrows. Kakuzu, Hidan, Dessie, Madara, Tobi, and Sasori followed after Konan, their legs pumping as fast as they could.

Zetsu sunk into the ground and disappeared from sight, while Deidara made a bird of clay and leapt onto its back.

Leader refused to budge, his arms folded and his head held high. "I am the Akatsuki leader," he announced. "I will not budge from this spot. I am above this!"

"Kate!" cried Kisame, grabbing me by the hand. "Run!"

I stumbled after Kisame. "Why are they making a pregnant woman do this?"

Kisame hesitated and then picked me up bridal style before sprinting after the others.

Leader was shot in the foot with an arrow. He let out a howl of pain and hopped about wildly. "What the hell?" he cried. "How dare you do this to a god's foot! I'll kill you all! I'll burn you alive! I'll listen to your howling screams of agony as your flesh burns of the bones! And I will laugh! I will laugh like a hyena!"

Konan turned around and sprinted back to Leader's side. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him along after her.

"Idiot!" she screamed. "Do you want to die!"

"I am above this!" cried Leader.

"Yeah, yeah – run!"

As the group reached a small collection of trees grouped closely together, Dessie and Hidan stopped running and turned to stare at one another.

"Why are we running?" asked Dessie. "We're immortal."

"My thoughts exactly," said Hidan.

They both sat down on the ground, legs crossed, and laughed. The arrows hit them – their backs, their arms, their legs – one even hit Hidan's nose, but he just pulled it out and his skin healed itself. After a few minutes, the constant flow of arrows stopped. The Akatsuki paused in our flight and turned to stare over the hilltop where the gods were located.

"What are they doing?" I asked, curled in Kisame's arms.

"That's not fair!" cried Tobi, pointing at me. "Kate is cheating! Tobi is offended!"

"I'm pregnant," I snapped. "I'm allowed to cheat!"

"I told you," said Dessie, pulling and arrow from her leg. "She's going to use that excuse for everything now."

"Don't kid yourself," I said. "You'd use the excuse as well if you were in my situation. Then you could get Hidan to carry you."

Dessie looked at Hidan. Hidan looked at Dessie. The two of them collapsed into a fit of hysterical laughter.

"Like hell I'd carry that bitch," said Hidan.

"Please," said Dessie. "Look at his scrawny arms. I'd pick someone with muscles to carry me – like Kisame or Kakuzu or Leader… or Original Hottie."

"Kisame isn't carrying you!" I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Hey, Kisame!" said Dessie. "If you carry me, I'll let you cop a feel."

Kisame paused to consider this.

"Kisame!" I wailed.

"What?" asked Kisame. "She drives a hard bargain."

"Hey, Dessie!" shouted Deidara. "I'll let you rid my bird if you let me cop a feel, uhn."

Dessie tipped her head back and laughed. "That was wrong on so many levels that I don't know where to begin."

Konan sighed. "Dessie really is the whore of the Aka–"

The collection of trees exploded.

I screamed.

"They have _cannons_!" shrieked Dessie. She leapt up from the ground (never mind immortality, getting hit by cannons suck either way). Hidan followed suit and soon they were sprinting away as fast as they could, everyone else hot on their tails.

Except Madara.

"There is no way I am running away again," said Madara as the ground five feet away from him exploded, spraying dirt and debris in all direction. "So not my style."

"Idiot!" cried Dessie, sprinting back. She grabbed his wrist and pulled. "You can try and be cool like Itachi later!"

"I don't want to be Itachi!" snapped Madara. He paused. "Speaking of Itachi – where is he?"

Itachi was, apparently, too cool for fleeing. He stayed back at the beginning, with his arms folded and leaning against on of the trees (like a badass), and waiting for the gods to come. Immediately the goddesses fell in love with him and spent the rest of the hunt fawning over his hotness. Darn you Itachi!

"I'm going to cut off their heads," said Madara. "That seems the best way to deal with gods."

Dessie kicked Madara in the stomach. Or, at least, she tried to. Madara caught her leg with ease, still concentrating on how to slaughter a hunting party of gods.

"Hey!" cried Dessie, hopping up and down while Madara held on to her foot. "Porcupine! If you're going to die, don't drag me into it!"

"Maybe if I castrated the men," said Madara thoughtfully.

"Hey!" screamed Dessie. "What are you doing! Run! Run! Run, you coffee-thieving bastard!"

Another cannon fired – the bang echoing through the forest. The shot was aimed right at Dessie and Madara, who were still struggling with one another. Madara looked up and saw the cannonball. Dessie screamed. Madara dove to the left, dragging Dessie by the leg after him. I was somewhere up ahead, watching the whole scene over Kisame's shoulder. I couldn't see what had happened to the through all the dust and smoke. I clenched Kisame's shoulder and cried, "What happened!"

"What?" asked Kisame.

"Dessie and Madara!"

And then, through the smoke, I saw the black figure of Madara. He sprinting through the forest as fast as he could bear, dragging Dessie by the leg.

"You asshole!" she screamed, lying on her back as she was dragged at ninja-speed across the brown grass. "I'm going to kill you! I'm going to sacrifice you to Jashin so many times you won't even know who to say your own name – you'll just know pain and Jashin! You fucking coffee-thief! Stop! Porcupine! Put me down! I'm going to slice off all you toes and turn them into a necklace! Maybe I'll return one to you when you've been a good boy! But you're not being a good boy! Porcupine!"

"Never mind," I said to Kisame. "They're fine."

Leader was still trying to keep together the shreds of his dignity. He wanted to stand and fight the gods (apparently he had Madara had something in common), but Konan kept pulling Leader away by the ear (it looked extremely painful).

Deidara's bird had been shot down by a cannon and he had landed in Zetsu's mouth – well, his foot did. Zetsu bit down on the foot and Deidara had screamed in pain. He had tried to dislodge his foot from the sharp teeth, but in the process Deidara was hit in the butt by an arrow. So Deidara fled – with Zetsu still biting Deidara's foot.

Tobi somehow managed to convince himself that this was a game of tag, so he'd run away screaming at everyone that Kakuzu was it – Kakuzu really didn't care. Then, whenever Tobi got bored of Kakuzu being it, he'd touch Kakuzu's shoulder and announce that Kakuzu had tagged him. Then Tobi would run off to tag Sasori instead. The process went on and on until Kakuzu punched Tobi in the face and knocked poor Tobi out. Then Kakuzu gave Tobi to Deidara to carry, which led Deidara to have Tobi draped over his shoulders and Zetsu biting his foot. Poor Deidara.

Hidan was sprinting as fast as he could and screaming as loud as he could something about the great and mighty Jashin and cursing his enemies. It went a little something like this: "!"

Yeah. It didn't make much sense to me.

"I want to kill them!" wailed Leader. "Ouch! Konan, don't pull! Ouch! Let me kill them! My ear doesn't go that way!"

"You stupid Porcupine! I will murder you! Die! Die! Die!"

"Kate, don't squirm! I might drop you!"

"Leader – do you want to become an evil pincushion!"

"Shut up – you can't murder me from back there."

"Deidara, you know you have an arrow sticking out of your hand."

"I hate Kakuzu and I hate Zetsu and I hate Tobi and I hate the gods and I hate the goddesses – and I will fucking blow you all to hell, uhn!"

"I hate being pregnant!"

That's what we sounded like. Being the extremely cool criminals that we are, we fled in style – loud, complaining, violent style, but style nonetheless.

Of course, the gods then decided to bring out the guns.

Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

"_Are they trying to kill us_!" wailed Hidan.

"Yes."

"Sasori," said Hidan. "When I want your opinion, I'll fucking ask for it!"

"You just asked a question."

"It was a rhet-what-do-you-call-it question!"

"Rhetorical."

"I said don't answer!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and continued running to the sound of rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

"Deidara-senpai!" cried Tobi. "You run too slow."

"Tobi!" cried Deidara. "You're awake! Get off me, uhn!"

"But Tobi is having fun riding Deidara-senpai!"

Dessie interrupted her stream of curses to shout, "Tobi, what a pervert!" and then she returned to her, "Die, Porcupine! Die!" rant.

Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

"I got shot, uhn!" wailed Deidara.

"Poor Deidara,senpai," said Tobi, patting Deidara's blond hair. "Tobi would take the bullet for Deidara-senpai if he could."

"Get off my back!"

"It's Zetsu's fault Deidara-senpai can't run," said Tobi, pointing down at Zetsu, who was still biting Deidara's foot.

"I don't care! Get off me! Get off me! Get – off – me!"

Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

"Do you ever shut up?"

Dessie was lying on her back as Madara dragged her. Her head bounced up and down, hitting every stick and stone.

"I'm losing brain cells!" she screamed.

"Not my problem."

"Porcupine! Quit dragging me by my foot!"

Madara paused and switched to holding on to Dessie's hand. Then he resumed sprinting, her legs dragging on the ground behind him and her face getting caught by the swing of his legs as he ran.

"Asshole! Jerk! Shithead! Ferby!"

Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

I was bawling my eyes out. "I don't want to die! I can't be hunted down like this! Kisame! Think of the baby!"

"I am thinking of the baby!" cried Kisame. "That's why I'm running!"

"I told you!" screamed Dessie. "Pregnancy is an excuse! Evil Kate! Evil Kate! Evil Kate!" Madara's foot hit Dessie in the nose and she was preoccupied with a bloody nose.

Rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat.

Kakuzu ran, a bullet hitting his shoulder. His black tentacles tossed the bullet out – being a weird man with black sludge tentacles and five hearts had its pay-off, beside near-immortality. He was at the front of the group, far ahead of Kisame and me. We watched him run and then – suddenly, he disappeared.

"Kakuzu!" I cried. "Where'd he go?"

"I don't know," said Kisame.

Hidan and Sasori had caught up to where Kakuzu was and – just like him – they disappeared.

"What's happening!" I cried. "Kisame! Slow down!"

"I can't," said Kisame. "We'll be shot."

And we fell.

Slid, I guess is a better term. We slid down the brown side of a steep bank and came to a stop at the bottom. Kakuzu, Hidan, and Sasori were already down there, all three of them looking exhausted.

"I hate gods," said Sasori, gasping for air.

Konan and Leader slid down the back after us, coming to halt between Hidan and Kakuzu.

"I hate gods," said Leader. "I am the leader of the Akatsuki."

"They don't care," said Kakuzu flatly.

"They're gods," said Kisame, panting heavily. "They really don't care."

"Assholes," murmured Leader.

I rested my head against Kisame's shoulder and sighed. "We're going to have to run again soon."

"You haven't done any running yet," said Hidan.

"You listen to Dessie too much." I yawned.

"_You fucking porcupine! I will rip out every single one of you porcupine hairs! Every single one! One by one! Until you're nothing but a bald porcupine! A bad porcupine! That's hardly a porcupine anymore!_ _AH_!"

Madara and Dessie came sliding down the slop. Dessie skidded down, face first, and ended up slamming into a disgruntled Leader.

"That looked like fun," said Kisame.

"It wasn't!" snapped Dessie, sitting upright.

"I saved you," said Madara, lying back against the hillside and folding his hands behind his head as a pillow.

"You murdered my brain cells!"

"I switched to you hand instead of you foot."

"And then you broke my nose!"

Madara inspected her face carefully. "Looks fine to me."

"It healed itself!"

"Then why are you complaining?" Madara closed his eyes.

"I lost valuable brain cells that I can never get back! Give me my brain cells back, Porcupine!"

"No."

Dessie glared at him for a few seconds and then stormed over to sit by Hidan.

"Wow," I said. "Dessie didn't try and beat up Madara."

"Did you notice?" asked Kisame.

"What?"

Kisame grinned. "She voluntarily went and sat by Hidan. It's true love." Kisame ruffled my hair. "The Love Guru and his She-Cupid are back in action. Hope is not lost yet!"

"Um…" I hesitated and wondered if I should tell him. I glanced over at Dessie who was busy complaining about something to Hidan. I sighed. "Sure."

"That wasn't very enthusiastic!" cried Kisame. "Where's some enthusiasm!"

"Love Guru for the win!" I cried.

Kisame grinned proudly. "And that's why I love you."

And right about then was when Deidara, Zetsu, and Tobi came tumbling down the slope. During the fall Zetsu let go of Deidara's foot (finally) and Tobi fell off Deidara's back. Zetsu hit poor Leader in the head and Tobi slammed into a disgruntled Kakuzu. Deidara landed on top of Dessie.

"Finally!" cried Deidara. "I'm free! I'm free! I'm free, uhn!"

"Get off me," snapped Dessie.

Deidara hopped off her and joined her and Hidan in their circle of complaints. I couldn't hear from where I was, but apparently they were talking about something extremely serious. At least, I thought that until Deidara shouted, "Damn that overly badass bastard, uhn!" They were talking about Itachi.

"We're going to have to run again soon," said Konan sitting up. "This hill will soon be within their range."

"Damn them!" wailed Dessie. "No more! No more! No more!"

Madara yawned and sat up. "I can always look after you again, Dessie."

"Hell no!" screamed Dessie. "You'll kill me!"

"No, just put you through extreme pain and agony."

"Who's putting who through extreme pain and agony?"

We all spun around to see – surprise, surprise – Aram squatting on the ground next to us, a huge grin spread across his face.

"Why!" screamed Dessie, leaping into Aram's arms. "Why did you put us through this!"

"It was a task," said Aram. "But don't worry." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'm here to recue you."

"Really?"

"Yep!" Aram picked Dessie up in his arms, bridal style. He glanced at me and, a second later, he grabbed my by the hand and pulled me to my feet. "I couldn't leave to precious angels here." He grinned at the rest of the Akatsuki. "Have fun."

"Wait… What?"

FLASH!

So… Apparently Aram only took Dessie and I back to his mansion… The rest of the Akatsuki had to flee for another five hours… Oops.

* * *

**A/N: For those of you who are concerned (apparently the stupid stuff appeal is wearing off, whatever, I still find them funny) - there's only about three more tasks in the whole story. And the last one is chapter forty-seven, so they're reasonable spread out. **

**Review or you will find yourself part of the gods' hunting party running for you life while they drop bombs on you for the fun of it (Dessie and Kate escaped at a good time)**


	33. The Word Of The Princess

**Chapter Thirty-Three: The Word Of The Princess**

**Hannah**

"Princess Hannah is amazing! Princess Hannah is awesome! Princess Hannah can do anything! That's why I love Princess Hannah!"

"You're an idiot."

Ren practically wilted in disappointment. "You're so mean…"

"You've been rattling off compliments for the past two hours."

"That's because I can't stop talking about my love for you!" Ren grinned at me.

"I thought I was your BFF."

"So?" Ren seemed confused. "I can love my BFF. I'm just waiting until you fall in love with me to. Then I can marry my BFF." Ren grinned, seeing absolutely no faults in his perfect plan.

"You're an idiot."

"You say that so much!"

"Because it's true." I sighed. "Why don't you just marry Princess Fou Mia."

"That's ridiculous,' said Ren, letting out a bark of laughter. "She's Princess Fou Mia – I can't marry her!"

"Because she's a cheetah?"

"No. I wouldn't mind marrying a regular cheetah. But she's Princess Fou Mia. That'd be weird." Ren shook his head at the silly idea.

"I don't get it."

Ren smiled. It wasn't his normal smile though. It was more mysterious and… intelligent – it's a sign of the apocalypse!

But just as soon as the frightening smile of doom had come, it disappeared. Ren glanced up at the ceiling and grinned (his usual stupid grin). He turned to me and clapped his hands together excitedly. "Let's take a detour."

"What?"

Ren clapped his hands and the ceiling caved in.

Not really, but it sure felt that way. Dirty started to fall on our heads and something heavy and metal fell from the ceiling and landed with heavy thud on the ground. Then, a shadow emerged from the ceiling and said, "Long time no see, General."

"Paban," said Ren, grinning up at the ceiling. "How's the tunnel?"

"Dark and damp as usual, General," said the shadow (who I took to be Paban). "How're the dead?"

"Dead." Ren laughed maniacally at his own lame joke.

"Who is this?" asked the shadow, turning to me.

"Princess Hannah," said Ren. "My BFF."

"Another princess?" asked Paban. "How many are there, General?"

"Only two." Ren laughed. "Would you like to be a princess too? Princess Paban – I like it."

"Don't even think about it, General. I'd rather be a 'Sir'."

I snorted. "I have a bad experience with Sir. Anything but that."

"Bad experience?"

"He wore a suit of armor and kidnapped people."

"Sounds lovely." Paban turned back to Ren. "Would you like some tea, General?"

"Of course," said Ren. "That is – if Princess Hannah doesn't mind." He turned to me, a hopeful puppy-dog look in his black eyes. Damn, if only he weren't so good-looking.

"Sure," I said. "I obviously have nothing better to do."

Ren whooped and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Hold on to your underpants, Princess." And then he jumped.

I'm not kidding. He just jumped and flew ten feet into the air, through the hole in the ceiling and into some sort of underground house. The hole in the ceiling was actually a trap door that was in the middle of a wooden floor. We were standing in a living room with an off-green couch and a navy blue armchair with cream-colored walls and a red-brick fireplace.

Ren set me down and turned towards the kitchen, where, standing in the door frame, was Paban. Paban was a strawberry blond with bright blue eyes and a crooked smile. Him addressing Ren as 'general' made a lot more sense as I saw that Paban was wearing a camouflaged army outfit with a collared shirt and brown leather boots.

"How are you?" asked Ren, grinned.

Paban saluted. "Good, General."

"Your home looks nice," said Ren, looking around. "And the tea?"

"What would you like, General?"

Ren considered before turning to me. "What tea would you like, Princess?"

I blinked. I didn't know any teas. I knew coffees and alcohols – that's all the Akatsuki drank. "Um… Plain…"

Ren laughed. "Black tea? Personally I'm a fan of Prince of Wales, but Earl Grey is good."

"Prince of Wales is fine by me," I said hurriedly.

Paban turned around and marched into the kitchen, with a call of "Make yourselves at home."

Ren instantly steered me towards the ugly green couch and we sat down, Ren happily wrapped an arm around my shoulders (apparently he isn't aware of my personal bubble that should not be popped at any cost – brain cells are on the line). However, a more pressing issue was at hand and I put my own personal issues aside to ask: "Who is Paban? A god?"

Ren shook his head. "He's a lesser immortal. He has some abilities and will never age, but he is not of god status. The Ferryman is a lesser immortal too. And Smithy."

"And Princess Fou Mia?"

Ren tipped his head back and laughed. "No."

"Um… Okay… So does Jashin make his followers immortal? Does that make them lesser immortals too?"

"Yep. Jashin – I haven't seen that guy in ages." Ren grinned. "We had some good times. He was a little rough around the edges when sober, but when drunk – he was a party king. I remember the time we got wasted and when we woke up the next morning there was the corpse of an All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole in the middle of our camp." Ren roared with laughter and slapped his knee. "That was a real party animal."

"A dead All Eating Giant Underground Demon Mole," I repeated blankly.

"To this day none of us know how it got there."

Paban reemerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray with three teacups and a steaming teapot. Paban placed the tray on the coffee table and knelt down to pour the tea.

"Just like old times," he said, handing a cup to Ren.

Ren nodded and sipped his tea. "Hot! Hot! Hot! Why is it so hot!"

"That's like old times too," said Paban, pouring another cup for me.

I took Ren's cup from him and blew on it. "Don't drink it straight away, idiot. Or you'll burn your tongue."

Ren smiled at me adoringly. "My BFF is looking out for me."

I sighed. "I shoulder just let your tongue burn right off and then you won't be able to say stupid things anymore."

"Ah," said Ren. "But I can still do stupid things. And that just might be even worse."

I handed Ren his tea back and picked up my own. Ren blew on his tea as hard as he could and grinned at me. I tried to ignore him and carefully sipped my own cup of Prince of Wales (which as an amazingly delicious tea, I might add).

"So," said Ren slowly. "Do you still have them?"

I glanced at Paban uncomprehendingly and saw a bright light glowing in the immortal's blue eyes. He nodded enthusiastically. "You remember!"

"Of course," said Ren. He glanced slyly at me. "Can I see?"

Paban leapt to his feet and grabbed Ren by the wrist. Ren barely had time to put his tea down before Paban pulled Ren through the kitchen doorway and out of sight. I remained sitting, unsure if I should follow or not. Then again, knowing Ren something terrible and stupid was bound to be going on, so I decided it was safer to stay put. To this day, I still have not decided if that was a good or bad decision.

I sat on the ugly green couch for several minutes, awkwardly sipping my tea. How long were we going to stay with Paban? What happened to bringing me back to life? Did Ren forget? I wouldn't put it past him… But the less time I spend dead, the better.

A hand wrapped over my mouth.

I screamed, but the sound was muffled by the hand.

"Your neck… Looks so delicious…"

A dark head leaned over and I felt lips press against my neck.

I beat the asshole over the head with my frying pan.

"You asshole!" I screamed, leaping to my feet. "I'm going to kill you – don't you dare mess with the Sadistic Queen!"

"Hannah!"

I stared at the 'asshole' who was lying on the ground behind the couch. Ren was dressed in a black cape with his black hair slicked back and false vampire teeth placed in his mouth. He sat up, rubbing his head, and grinned at me.

"What are you doing, idiot?" I cried, lowering the frying pan.

"Brains… Brains… Give me your _brains_!"

I turned to stare at the kitchen doorway where Paban walked in, his face painted almost white with his light brown hair standing on end. His arms were stretched out in front of him and his eyes rolled back into his head. He walked slowly for the zombie effect.

Ren roared with laughter. "Damn, you're good! I was a fail vampire!"

"What are you doing?" I repeated blankly.

"Costumes!" cried Ren happily.

"Brains," agreed Paban.

"_Why_?"

Paban dropped his hands and a scowled fixed itself on his rotting face. "Every damn year those gods through a Halloween costume party – and I'm not invited!" He shook his fist at the ceiling. "I may be a lesser immortal who guards the tunnels – but I am worthy of a costume party!"

"Oh…"

Ren ran his fingers through his slicked back hair and grinned. "Paban has saved the costumes he would have worn every year for the Halloween party. He has _thousands_."

"I will make us of them one day!" cried Paban.

"We get to wear them!" said Ren. "Let's go see what else is in the closet!"

Before I could protest, Ren picked me up with one arm and carried me through the kitchen with Paban following close behind, still muttering under his breath about the cruelty of the gods – how dare they mess with his costumes!

"Put me down," I said, as Ren took me down a side hall from the kitchen. "I will never wear it."

"But I have the perfect costume!" cried Ren.

"You don't fit a vampire," I said, staring at his grinning face.

Ren kicked open a wooden door and carried me inside a giant wardrobe. No, 'giant' doesn't really describe Paban's costume wardrobe. It could put the Akatsuki hideout to shame in size. The wardrobe was full to the brim with every kind of costume you could imagine – vampire, wizard, witch, bunny, horse, mermaid, demon, angel, cowboy, police office, doctor, pirate, parrot, salt, pepper, bride, groom, werewolf, elf, fairy, dwarf, soldier, gladiator, mouse, cat, dog, sandwich, picnic basket, worm, Wargonian, ninja, fish, dolphin, shark, tiger, mummy, ghost, monk, nurse – you name it, Paban had it. It was terrifying.

"Look!" cried Paban, pulling out a pastel green flight suit. "It's perfect for you, General!"

Laughing, Ren snatched the flight suit (Top Gun anyone?) and disappeared amongst the rows and rows of costumes. A minute later he reemerged, wearing the black sunglasses and the flight suit, looking (damn him) extremely hot.

"How do I look, Princess?" asked Ren. "Or should I call you 'Queen'? Does this suit me better?"

"Hell no."

Ren pouted. "You sure?"

"How could she insult the general like that!" cried Paban. "The general is fantastic in whatever he wears!"

Ren wasn't listening to Paban, of course. He was scourging the racks of costumes until he pulled out some black and red thing for me. "Your Majesty – try this one on!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"No."

Ren stuck out his lower lip in his typical pout. "But you'll look so gorgeous in it, your Majesty. I want to see you looking gorgeous."

"No."

"As your BFF, I want to see you looking gorgeous!"

"No."

Ren thrust the costume at me. "We're not leaving until you try it on!"

I scowled and glanced at Paban (who at some point had changed into a bull fighter costume). He glanced up at me and smiled encouragingly, which only pissed me off more. I snatched the outfit from Ren before storming off to find a safe point to change. Behind me, Ren did his extremely embarrassing victory dance.

The outfit was, of course, as sluttish as sluttish could get. It was short as hell with a white under dress with a black pattern over the skirt and a red vest on top. Thigh-high boots come with the outfit, a black top hat, and a leather whip – _Ren, you are so dead_.

"How is this, asshole?" I snapped, walking out for Ren and Paban to see.

Ren squealed in delight and clapped his hands while Paban pulled an 'ew' face (I suspect he's gay).

"You look fabulous!" cried Ren. "So gorgeous! So gorgeous! So gorgeous!"

"I look like a whore."

"Beautiful!" cried Ren. "Marry me!"

"No." I cracked the whip. "I even have the tools of a whore."

"You're the sexy ring master!" Ren giggled. "It suits my Sadistic Queen so well!"

I cracked the whip again (I should get myself one of these). "Who said I was _your_ Sadistic Queen?"

"So gorgeous!"

I sighed. "Idiot."

Ren returned to the racks of costumes and pulled out a sexy mermaid costume. "Try this one next!" He pulled out a sexy maid outfit too. "And this!" And a sexy ninja. And a sexy cow (how did that work?). And a sexy chef. And a sexy pirate. "Try them all!"

"No."

"What about the detective?"

"_Ren_."

Surprisingly, Ren actually stopped. He turned to stare at me, confusing plastered across his face. "Yes?"

"Let's go." I spoke flatly. "Let's go. I want to go home. I don't like being dead. You can play dress up with your gay-cosplay friend later – but I want to go home."

"I'm not gay!" cried Paban.

Ren stared at me. For a long time, he didn't say anything. Then, suddenly, he tipped his head back and let out a wild bark of laughter. "My princess has spoken!"

"I'm not your princess!"

Ren dropped all the costumes onto the floor and stormed across the room. He swooped me up into his arms (is the idiot trying to be romantic!) and turned to Paban, still grinning like an idiot. "The princess has spoken and I – her humble servant – must obey."

"You don't have to obey, General!" cried Paban. "You're the god of the dead!"

"And you're my gay cosplaying friend!" cried Ren. "We get along like that."

And then, believe it or not, Ren jumped through the ceiling. Again. He really has to break that bad habit of his.

* * *

**A/N: My response to this chapter: WTF.**

**REVIEW OR THE AKATSUKI WILL NEVER RETURN FROM THEIR HUNTING PARTY. THEY WILL FLEE FROM THE GODS FOR ETERNITY AND -WHAT'S WORSE YET - I WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT IT. ALL THAT FUN AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! **


	34. Itachi Is King

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Itachi Is King**

**Dessie**

Welwelle, the goddess of pleasure, is a bitch. I am not the only one who thinks that. I have a pissed off paper angel and a pregnant bitch with me to back me up on that statement. Why, you might ask, is Welwelle such a bitch? Well, for one thing, she might possibly be better looking than me (not that I'd ever admit such a thing). And, secondly, she made the Akatsuki act as hosts for our next task.

I stared at them – looking all sheik in their brand new black suits – and scowled. Konan, Kate, and I were dressed in our usually grubby clothes and forced to sit in a corner, watching as goddess after goddess came to hit on our harem of men – not their harem, _our_ harem. We are a group of four girls (minus one at the moment) living with ten guys – it is our harem, not those bitchy goddesses'. Fuck off whores!

"Can I get you anything?" asked Leader irritably.

One red-haired goddess giggled like the bimbo she was and said, "No. This is good, this is good." She stroked Leader's arm adoringly. I could see a vein popping in Leader's forehead.

"What does that bitch think she's doing?" snarled Konan.

"Don't worry," said Kate. "Leader's only doing it for Hannah's sake. This is all for Hannah's sake."

"Don't lie to me," said Konan. "You can clearly see he's enjoying it."

He was clearly not enjoying it, but there was no point in explaining that to Konan. Instead, I kept my eyes fixed on Hidan, who had another blond bitch (why do all the blonds go for him!) draped all over him. Think of your religion, Hidan! Jashin does _not_ approve!

"It's okay," said Kate. "They're only doing this – _who is that poorly dressed woman and why is she touching Kisame like that!_"

We all turned to see the blue-haired, green-skinned goddess of the sea (Mina) stroking Kisame's cheek fondly.

Kate might not have been so ferocious about this if she wasn't pregnant (I think with the magical pregnancy stuff she is around her fourth month of pregnancy, but none of us really know). So, she was in full Demon Don't Touch My Man Kate Mode – which meant Konan and I had to restrain her from clawing that bitchy goddess's eyes out.

Some of the Akatsuki did not seem to fond of the host club idea. Leader, for one, glared poisonously at every woman brave enough to approach him. Unfortunately, most goddesses seem to have thick skin and took his obvious repulsion as more encouragement than anything else, which meant Leader had quite the crowd of giggling whores around him (which caused Konan early gray hairs).

Sasori was disgusted by every female that looked at him. However, his boyishly adorable looks attracted many women and Sasori could do nothing but impatiently humor their every whim. (My drinking buddy was being corrupted by those fucking whores! Die bitches! Die!).

Kakuzu, too, seemed repulsed by every female that came his way. At least, initially, then he discovered that he could charge money of his customers – and then Kakuzu got into the hosting scene. He flirted and complimented and joked and teased and was pretty much the most perfect host that could possibly come from the Akatsuki. It was terrifying.

If Itachi was uncomfortable with hosting, he didn't show it. He was, without a doubt, the most popular host member there (how could my Original Hottie be anything but). Goddesses flocked around him like sheep. Itachi hosted every single one of them like the badass he was. That was great. I smiled at him across the room and secretly plotted to murder every single one of those women in their sleep tonight.

Despite Kate's concern, Kisame was actually not enjoying it. At least, not on the surface. He was all to aware of his girlfriend watching venomously from the corner and that just made him uncomfortable. A piece of advice Kisame, never upset your pregnant girlfriend – it does _not_ end well.

Of course, there were also the Akatsuki members who enjoyed being hosts. Deidara was the perfect example. That feminine-blond attracted women left and right. He grinned confidentially (especially since the goddesses resembled the big breasted bitches in his porn videos). He practically glowed with the attention he was receiving. Well, he should enjoy it while he can – tonight, I was going to neuter him and stop this situation from ever happening again.

With Hidan it was hard to tell if he hated it or enjoyed it. He seemed smug that he was attracting so many women, but at the same time he kept saying Jashin would not approve – not that those words stop any of those bimbos. They don't care about religion! Stay away Hidan! Stay away! Religion is everything! Never forget that! Religion!

Tobi was the cute boy. The goddesses fawned over the adorable little boy in an orange mask. They fed him candy (Tobi, don't take candy from strangers – they teach you that in _kindergarten_!). Tobi didn't know those horny goddesses had ulterior motives, he just thought they were being nice. He even had the nerve to call one of the a 'Nunu' – that is a sacred position, Tobi! Sacred! You can't just give it away!

Of course, if there was someone who could rival Itachi in popularity, it would have been Madara. Those Uchihas are just too much – even for goddesses! Madara grinned confidently, knowing all to well how hot he was, and those bitches rushed to his side wanted to serve _him_. What happened to that all powerful pride of goddesses! They were acting like stupid fangirls. Don't act like fangirls! This is _Madara_! He's a _porcupine_! Not attractive – at – all!

"Those goddesses have no taste," I said firmly.

"Stay away from Kisame," said Kate. "He's _blue_! There's nothing attractive about blue people! Look at Squisher! Not attractive! Look at Itachi! He's so hot! _Itachi_!"

"Not happening," I said. "But Itachi is insane hot."

"Go to Itachi," said Konan, nodding eagerly. "Itachi. Itachi. Leader is old and annoying – he can't even make his own sandwich! What's so attractive about a guy like that?"

"Not my Sasori!" I cried, as one whore ruffled his red hair. "No! No! Bad girl! Bad! Sasori! Cut off her hand! Cut it off! That's the Sasori I know! She would be handless right now! Handless!"

Sasori did not, unfortunately, cut off that whore's hand. I was severely disappointed.

"Look at that!" cried Kate, pointing at the madly grinning Deidara. "He's _enjoying_ this."

My eyes narrowed. "Shouldn't he be laughing like a psychopath and trying to set of his bombs that scatter those prostitutes into tiny little pieces?"

"They're no prostitutes, they're goddesses."

Konan, Kate, and I turned around to see the gorgeous-but-not-as-gorgeous-as-me Welwelle. Her long blond hair, bright blue eyes, and busty chest – that bitch had nothing on me!

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"Why are you making them do this!" cried Kate. "They're the Akatsuki! Not a host club!"

"But look how happy the goddesses are – you should think about dropping the criminal organization business and becoming hosts instead."

"Fuck no," I said (watching as some whore flirted with Hidan). "These are _our_ men – not yours. _Ours_. Our names have been tattooed on their asses for years – you cannot barge in here and call them yours, because they're not."

Welwelle smiled. "They are at the moment."

And then she waltzed past and sat down next to Leader.

"Someone give her the worst damn paper cut off her life!" cried Konan as Kate and I restrained her.

"Look! Look! Look!" cried Kate. "Zetsu!"

We all turned to see our poor Venus flytrap sitting by himself looking rather dejected. Apparently goddesses weren't attracted to black-and-white cannibalistic plants. Zetsu sad on his couch, silently sipping tea and looking heartbroken.

"Those bitches!" I cried, getting to my feet. "How dare they reject our Zetsu! Do they not see how awesome and unique and original he is!"

"Dessie," said Kate slowly. "You usually make fun of Zetsu…"

"But I do it with respect!"

"What…?"

I stormed across the room and, after a moment's hesitation, Kate and Konan followed me. I plopped down on the couch on Zetsu's right, wrapped an arm around his Venus flytrap, and said, "Zetsu! Darling! How I have missed you!"

Konan took the seat to Zetsu's left and, smiling adoringly, leaned against him. "You're the only member still clean."

Kate settled into a chair and started pouring all of us some tea. "Only our Zetsu is too perfect for the goddesses to touch – they don't know what they're missing out on."

"Exactly!" I cried. "Look at this handsome fellow! How could you possibly be so blind as to miss this? Of course, Zetsu is too good for those whores."

"We're confused," said Zetsu.

"Look at all those jerks," said Konan, waving a careless hand behind her in the direction of the rest of the Akatsuki. "Soaking up the adoration of those women, thinking they're something special – but they are nothing compared to you."

"You're untainted," said Kate.

"We're… untainted?" repeated Zetsu blankly. "Is that good?"

"Of course it is!" cried Kate. "You don't want to be one of those jerks."

"Take a look at Madara over there," I said, pointing in his general direction without actually sparing a glance for him. "Those women. Those disgusting whores who dare lay their fingers on _our_ men. Look how they touch Madara! Look at their flirting smiles! Lies! And look how arrogant he is! Look how pleased he is with himself! Lies! Lies! Lies! Those corruptive whores! You are above them. You have not been polluted or blinded or deceived – you are still pure Zetsu! Keep it that way!"

Zetsu nodded. "O-Of course we will. For Hannah's sake!"

"Exactly!" I cried, pumping my fist in the air. "You are above those whores for Hannah's sake!"

"Why can't Kisame say that!" wailed Kate.

"Kisame isn't as pure as we are," said Zetsu, patting her on the shoulder.

"Exactly," I said.

"Welwelle has moved to Hidan," said Konan with relief.

"What!" I spun around to see the blond whore of whores stroking Hidan's arm. "That bitch! Go to Itachi! I-t-a-c-h-i! He's gorgeous! Go flirt with _him_!"

"Why do you keep trying to push goddesses onto Itachi?" asked Kate. "I thought you were singularly possessive of him."

"Because," I said, sitting back in my seat. "No matter how many sexy women flock around Itachi – he will always feel nothing for them."

"Oh…" Kate considered that for a second. Then she turned around and addressed all the women around Kisame. "Itachi! Itachi! Look at that piece of smoking human flesh – go to Itachi! He is the Fence's contribution of perfection!"

"Itachi!" wailed Konan. "He doesn't even use conditioner on his perfect hair!"

"He doesn't!" cried Kate.

Konan shook her head. "Only cheap shampoo."

"Oh my gods that is amazing!"

"Look at that badassery!" I cried. "Go to the badassery! You'll never find badassery like that again!"

Welwelle got to her feet and moved to join Kakuzu's group.

"Poor Hannah," said Konan. "She's dead and her boyfriend is becoming a host."

"Are you kidding?" I asked. "Hannah would probably support Kakuzu. As long as he can bring in the money, she doesn't care."

"Welwelle is a ho," said Kate. Zetsu patted her on the shoulder.

"I hope she burns in godly hell," I said, slouching back in my seat. I leaned against Zetsu's Venus flytrap shell and sighed. "Zetsu's the only man I love."

"So true," said Konan, leaning against Zetsu on the other side. "Screw them, Zetsu is the only one for me."

"Hey."

I glanced up and saw a red-head, a blond, a Zombie Whore, a porcupine, an orange-haired punk, a lollipop, a shark, and a Hottie standing over us.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped.

"Why are you Zetsus customers?" asked Leader irritably.

"Because he's our one true love," said Konan.

"That's true," said Kate. "We'll become Mormons so we can all marry Zetsu."

"I'm First Wife," I said.

"Hannah's First Wife," said Konan. "You can be Second Wife. I'll be Third Wife and Kate can be Fourth Wife."

"Why do I have to be at the bottom?" cried Kate.

"Hey!" said Deidara, tapping me on the back of the head. "Why does Zetsu get to have a harem and the rest of us get nothing, uhn?"

"Because the rest of you have cooties," said Kate.

"Zetsu," said Kisame, punching the palm of his hand threateningly. "We're going to have to have a talk."

Madara grinned. "I can help with the head cutting."

"Jashin will be appeased," agreed Hidan.

"Can I rip out his lungs and shove them down his throat so far that they come out his ass?" asked Leader.

Zetsu shuddered.

I turned around and knelt on the sofa. I reached out my hands and caught a hold of Itachi's divine face. He stared at me through flat, emotionless eyes and I stared back at him, my expression dead serious.

"Itachi."

"Hn."

"Get them all."

And then I released Itachi and returned to my seat next to Zetsu.

"What was that about?" asked Sasori.

"_What are you doing_? _You have guests to entertain_!"

The Akatsuki didn't have time to stick around. Welwelle dragged them back to their seats and the whores who awaited our men. However, I had already taken care of the problem. Kakuzu, as good as a host he was, was no match for Itachi when Itachi was actually trying. Itachi, apparently, had taken my words seriously and within minutes had managed to snag every single woman in the room. The rest of the Akatsuki found themselves alone on their couches, watching the swarm of woman fawning over Itachi.

"Damn him," said Deidara, flipping off Itachi. "I had women, uhn!"

"For the first and last time," said Sasori.

"My money!" cried Kakuzu. "Money! Come back!"

"Jashin does not approve of women not being attracted to his servants!" Hidan glared at Itachi. "Fuck!"

"Kate!" cried Kisame. "Kate! I was being good! Did you see me! Good! Good Kisame! Good Kisame deserves a bone!"

"Great, another person I have to add to my hit list," Madara groaned.

"Tobi misses the pretty women."

Leader looked relieved.

Konan, Kate, and I spent the rest of the host club adoring Zetsu. The Akatsuki had to face their unworthiness at the hands of Itachi while we showed Zetsu with the love and affection he deserved. Zetsu was very pleased – both of him.

We took some valuable lessons away from this task:

One – The Akatsuki girls get jealous very easily.

Two – The Akatsuki boys get jealous very easily.

Three – Itachi is king.

* * *

**A/N: Review or I will steal your soul and give it to the blond bimbo known as Welwelle to use as a toy for eternity - and who knows what kind of kinky stuff she uses her toys for. **


	35. Valuable Bonding Time

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Valuable Bonding Time**

**Kate**

"Can Hannah come back to life yet?"

Deidara lay on the floor in Aram's living room looking depressed and miserable. His blond hair seemed to have lost its fluff and his blue eyes seemed more dead than psychotic. Poor Deidara. The rest of us weren't much better. Zetsu seemed to be turning a little brownish around the edges and Tobi lost some of his stupidity (which according to Dessie might have been a good thing). Hidan and Dessie hadn't made sacrifices in days. Zetsu didn't have therapeutic plants to take care of. Leader was traumatized by the loss of control. Konan was constantly exhausted. The only person who seemed to be completely unaffected was Kakuzu (who was still celebrating the money he made from the host club task).

"I want to go home," said Hidan. "I don't even care about bringing that girl back – what was her name? Just bring me home! Fuck!"

"Hannah!" Dessie snapped, whacking Hidan over the head.

"Hannah needs to be here," I said. "She doesn't even know I'm pregnant."

The Akatsuki were sitting in the living room, moping. Dessie was sitting on Itachi's lap (he didn't look too pleased about that) between Kakuzu and Hidan. Deidara was sprawled out on the floor at their feet. I was sitting on the couch (There are some perks to being pregnant; people have to move and let you have the seat. Either that or you get your giant blue boyfriend to move them – thanks Deidara!). Kisame sat beside me with Konan on his other side. On the third couch Sasori, Tobi, Leader, and Zetsu squeezed together to fit. Madara decided he was too cool for couches and sat on the floor proudly.

"I want to leave," said Sasori.

"We need to save Hannah," said Zetsu.

"She can save herself," said Hidan (cue Dessie whacking him over the head).

"Tobi is tired. But Tobi loves Hannah-Nunu. Tobi doesn't know what to do."

"Quit talking in third person," said Madara.

"That would help everyone, uhn."

"Hn."

"Itachi thinks that since we've come this far we might as well finish," translated Kisame.

"This is going to kill us!" cried Leader. "The humiliation! The pure humiliation! How will we survive! How! Tell me! How!"

"Look out," said Dessie. "Leader's having a meltdown."

"I have the solution."

We all turned to see Aram, standing at the entrance to the living room, holding a crate of beer on his shoulder. He grinned. "There's more in back."

"Fuck yeah," said Hidan, hopping to his feet and taking the alcohol from Aram. He set the box on the floor and ripped it opened. He picked up a beer for himself, tore it open with his teeth, and chugged down as much as he could in one go.

"Don't forget me!" cried Dessie, grabbing her own beer as Hidan reached for another.

"That's not fair, uhn!" Deidara leapt across the room. "No seconds before everyone else has had firsts!"

"Then hurry the fuck up!" snapped Hidan.

"I want to get wasted too!" cried Kisame. He paused halfway across the room and glanced back at me. "Can I get you anything?"

"I'm pregnant," I said gloomily. "I can't drink."

"You poor unfortunate soul," said Zetsu before getting to his feet and grabbing himself some alcohol.

Soon the entire Akatsuki were drinking their suffering – except me. Pregnancy is a bitch sometimes.

"This s-oo-cks, uhn!" cried Deidara. He was sitting on top of the coffee table, finishing ogg his sixth bottle. "Why can't I ever be happy? No – no no no no no no no no! And you know who'e fault it i', uhn?" Do you!"

"We have a guess," muttered Zetsu.

"Wrong! It' all hi' fault. Kaka-oo-oo!" Deidara pointed fiercely at Kakuzu.

"Kaka-oo-oo?" I repeated blankly.

"That' right. Kaka-oo-oo i' n-oo-thing b-oo-t an a'hole!"

"It's like he's speaking a whole 'nother language," said Dessie in awe.

"Hn." (I couldn't tell if Itachi was agreeing with Dessie or telling her to get off his lap).

"Kaka-oo-oo is a 'hit," said Deidara.

"A hit?" asked Konan. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"How is being a 'hit a g-oo-d thing!" cried Deidara.

"I think he means 'shit'," said Leader, sipping his beer patiently.

"Oh." Konan turned back to Deidara. "Yeah, Kaka-oo-oo is a shit."

"This whole Kakuzu-Is-The-Devil thing is getting old," said Kakuzu, yawning. "Can we move on to something else?"

"Madara is the devil?" Dessie asked.

"I like that one," said Kisame.

"What I don' ge'," said Deidara, ignoring the topic change. "I' why we're 'till 'aying Kaka-oo-oo and Hannah are da'ing when we all know it' only for convenience and because 'he ha' 'arma'ophobia. What the fuck!"

"Deidara's inability to talk is amusing," said Sasori.

Kakuzu smiled (scary!). "That's what you know."

Deidara fell off the coffee table. I'm not kidding. With that striking piece of news, Deidara just pitched backwards, hit his head on the leg of the table, and fell to the ground unconscious. Wow. I have to say, I was impressed. I didn't think that was really possible.

"It's nice to know that disturbance is over with," said Aram.

"I thought it was funny," said Dessie.

"Hn." (I'm pretty this time Itachi was really telling Dessie to get off his lap or he would do something horrible to her).

Konan got up from her seat and grabbed another beer (Aram had brought out more). She sat on the ground by the alcohol (save her the trip back). "I thought drunk Deidara was amusing."

"It's a good thing he passed out," said Leader. "Otherwise you might have started making out with him."

Konan glared at Leader. "You're still going n about that. I've never made out with Deidara."

"Yeah, but you're a kissing fiend when you're drunk." Leader crossed his arms and looked away.

Kisame leaned over and whispered to me. "I think Konan and Leader should just hurry up and get together."

I nodded. "They'd be so cute!"

"And Hidan and Dessie," said Kisame thoughtfully.

I hesitated. "Of course."

"How should we get them together? Maybe we should lock them in a closet together and leave them there for a month."

"We'd both be dead."

Kisame and I spun around to see Dessie's face. She had crept up behind our couch and was standing there, her chin hooked over the back of the sofa.

"How long have you been listening!" I cried.

"Since the beginning. Though I do agree Leader and Konan would be adorable – me and Hidan? It isn't happening."

"You two are perfect!" cried Kisame.

"Not. Happening."

"What's not happening?" shouted Hidan from the other side of the room.

"You and me!"

Hidan laughed drunkenly. "That's the funniest thing I've heard all day! That even beats Kaka-oo-oo!"

Kakuzu flipped Hidan off.

"Exactly!" shouted Dessie. "We're both so over it!"

"Definitely!"

"So why was Dessie so jealous at the host club?" asked Zetsu.

Dessie paused and turned to glare at the plant man. "What happened to being our beloved, pure plant?"

"We're just pointing out a fact," said Zetsu.

"Well," I said. "Dessie was kind of jealous over everyone. Hidan, Sasori, Madara, Tobi… She was more pissed at Deidara than anything else."

"Who'd be jealous over those idiots!" cried Dessie, standing up straight and glowering down at me. "Hidan is a fucking religious idiot. Madara is a bloodthirsty bastard. Tobi is… Tobi. Deidara is a fucking pyromaniac. And Sasori… well, Sasori is awesome. I'll be jealous over him any time."

Sasori rolled his eyes and continued drinking his beer.

"What did Tobi do!"

"Shut up, Tobi."

"I think it's funny Dessie was jealous over me," said Madara, leaning back in his seat on the couch. "First Kate and now Dessie – I'm just that sexy."

CRASH!

Broken glass everywhere.

Dessie decided to throw her broken bottle at Madara's head. He dodged it easily and the bottle hit the wall behind him and shattered into a million pieces.

"Don't destroy my house!" wailed Aram.

"This is your fault!" cried Dessie, pointing at Madara.

"Mine? How does that work? You're the idiot who threw the bottle."

"You shouldn't have dodged!"

Madara stared at Dessie for a moment, debating if it was worth arguing with her. Then, he shrugged and drank some more beer.

"No! No!" cried Dessie, leaping over the couch and storming over to grab Madara by the collar of his shirt. She practically lifted him out of his seat – he drank some more beer – and shook him violently. "You're supposed to yell at me and then I yell at you and you yell back and we get into a giant yelling fight where you throw your beer at me and I throw another beer at you and soon we destroy the entire box of beer and everyone gets pissed at us because they can't get drunk anymore! Don't you know anything!"

Madara stared at Dessie and took another drink of his beer. "That's a waste of good alcohol."

"Arg!" Dessie dropped Madara back into his seat and turned around. "Hidan! Show Madara how to get into a proper argument!"

"Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Because I told you to!"

"And I'm suppose to do everything you tell me?"

"Yes! You're my bitch!"

"I'm not your fucking bitch!"

"Shut up, bitch! Argue with me!"

"Fuck no!"

"Argue!"

"No!"

"Bitch, you suck at being my bitch! You should take bitch classes with Deidara!"

"Don't put me on the same level as that fucking bitch! Deidara is the bitch of all bitches! He bitches himself to the Sadistic Queen!"

"And you bitch yourself to the Demon of Blood, shithead – now show Madara how to argue with me!"

"No!"

Dessie threw Madara's half-filled beer bottle at Hidan. The bottle hit Hidan in the face and shattered.

"Bitch!" Hidan threw his own freshly opened beer bottle back at her. Dessie dodged and Madara caught the bottle and drank some.

"Missed!" screamed Dessie.

"Someone should stop them," I said.

Aram picked Dessie up, slung her over the shoulder, and walked out of the room. "No one is destroy my precious living room on my watch."

"He really likes this house," said Sasori.

"It's a nice house," said Zetsu.

"Gods live better than we do."

"Well, they are gods.'

"Damn gods."

"Yeah."

Kisame got up to get another beer and decided to start a conversation with Hidan (no doubt trying to convince Hidan that he was madly in love with Dessie again). I sat by myself for a minute before I realized a terrible truth – other than Kisame and maybe Konan, I didn't really talk to any of the Akatsuki members! Hannah had her harem (Deidara, Kakuzu, Zetsu) and Dessie had her Hotties (Itachi, Hidan, Sasori, Deidara) – I had no one other than Kisame. So, to solve this problem, I decided I needed some valuable bonding time – starting with the person on my right.

"Hey," I said and then frozen.

Madara paused in his sip of beer and stared at me through those red eyes of his. "Hey."

"Long time no chat," I said awkwardly.

"Yeah."

I struggled for something to say. "We really didn't end well…"

"End what?"

"Er… Our conversation last time."

"We had a conversation?"

I sighed and turned away from Madara. Okay, that was a bad start to my valuable bonding time. The next attempt will be much better. I searched the room for possible targets of valuable bonding time. Kisame was talking to Hidan. Sasori was talking to Leader and Kakuzu. Konan was attempting a conversation with Itachi. Zetsu. Zetsu was free.

I got to my feet and walked across the room to smile at Zetsu. "Hey."

Zetsu glanced up from his beer. "You."

"Yeah, um, me."

"Do we know your name?"

You ever have that feeling where a giant ton of bricks suddenly fall on your back with the name of your burden stamped across the rocks? Well, I've had it. The words stamped across the bricks were: He Doesn't Even Know Your Name After Three Years.

"I'm Kate."

Zetsu stared at me blankly.

"Hannah's friend."

"Oh. We know Hannah's friend called Dessie."

"Of course you would remember Dessie's name but not mine."

"You have a name?"

"Kate."

"Oh." Zetsu sipped some more beer. "We won't remember that in the morning."

I gritted my teeth. "It's Kate. _Kate_. Kate! K-A-T-E. Kate. It's not a hard name to remember!"

Zetsu blinked. "Hannah's an easy name to remember."

"Gods damn you, Zetsu!" I cried. "I don't care how drunk you are – at least remember my name!"

"Hannah's friend is a little crazy."

The bricks that fell on my shoulders seemed to double in size.

With a heavy sigh, I left Zetsu to his beer. Okay, so my attempt at valuable bonding time failed again. But I will not be discouraged – there are plenty of members in the Akatsuki. So Madara and Zetsu are jerks – that doesn't mean all the Akatsuki members are. Let me see… Kakuzu! I doubt Kakuzu is that bad. (In hindsight, I realized the foolishness of this comment).

"Hey," I said, taking the vacant seat next to Kakuzu.

Kakuzu glanced up from his beer. "What are you doing?"

"Here to talk," I said. I paused. "Kisame!"

Kisame paused in the middle of his conversation with Hidan. "Yes?"

"I want root beer and smoked salmon!"

Kisame blinked. "_Together_? Are you sure?"

"Yes! Together! I want it."

There was a pause as Kisame glanced around the living room. "Now?"

I scowled at him. "Who's the pregnant woman in the house?"

Kisame groaned and threw his hands up in the air. "I love you too, baby. Root beer and smoked salmon it is." He and Aram headed for the exit so they could hunt down my next craving.

"You know," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "You are getting bigger around the middle area."

"Kate is getting fat!" cried Tobi.

I punched him in the face. Pregnant Kate uses violence – got a problem with that?

"Don't feel bad," said Kakuzu. "We've all punched Tobi at one point or another."

"I don't feel bad," I said, shaking the pins and needles of pain out of my fist. "I kind of wish I'd punched him harder."

"I'm so proud of you, Kate!" cried Dessie, clapping her hands excitedly. "Punching Tobi is like a rite of initiation!"

"I thought the rite of initiation was completing a mission successfully," said Kakuzu.

"That's what Leader likes to call it," sad Zetsu. "Really, we have to survive a night to drinking with the Akatsuki to be official members."

"How many people can actually survive that!" cried Dessie in mock horror.

"I'm amazed we've survived as many as we have," I muttered. I turned to Kakuzu, remembering the purpose of this whole conversation. Valuable bonding time. "So what was your initiation?"

"Mine?" Kakuzu smirked. "It was a black market scam to get money for the organization's next big job. I had to con the Vice President of a Capital Marketing Bank…" And right about there was when Kakuzu launched into and extremely complicated and difficult explanation of his scam. Yep. Not my head, say uh-huh, and pretend I know what in the Fence he is talking about. This was Hannah's area of expertise, not mine. The moment Kakuzu finished, I excused myself with the arrival of Kisame and Aram with my root beer and smoked salmon. Apparently bonding with Kakuzu was never going to work for me.

"Smoked salmon and root beer don't seem like the best mix," said Kisame as I bit into the pink fish.

"It tastes good," I snapped.

"Well, it's still better than the larva cheese," said Kisame with a sigh.

"At least you haven't resorted to dirt yet," said Aram. "I've known some goddesses that have craved snakes and dolphin and kangaroo and shark."

Kisame shuddered. "Let's not talk of such dark things."

I finished my smoked salmon and started sipping my root beer. "Now I can say I'm drinking beer with everyone else."

Kisame grinned. "How's the beer working for you?"

"Fantastic," I said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more valuable bonding time that needs to be done."

"What?"

A seat had opened up next to Itachi and I crossed to room to take it. "Hey," I said, sipping my root beer through a straw.

"Hn."

"Yeah… I don't speak hn-language."

"Hn."

I sighed. "Maybe this valuable bonding time thing was a bad idea."

"Hn."

"You know, I realized that I'm not real good friends with any of the Akatsuki except Kisame and maybe Konan. I mean, I talk to the others, but I never have any one-on-one we're best friends forever time with them. So I thought – hey! – I can hang out with people now and develop strong friendships with them, you know."

"Hn."

"I mean, Hannah is always hanging out with Kakuzu and talking about complicated scams with him – I don't understand scams! And then Hannah has Zetsu, who practically worships the ground she walks on. And then she also has Deidara – and they all have these friendly moments between them. I only have fun story moment with Kisame!"

"Hn."

"And Dessie – don't even get me started on Dessie. Dessie and Itachi. Dessie and Hidan. Dessie and Sasori. Dessie and Deidara. Dessie and Madara." I paused. "I want to be friends with everyone!"

"Hn."

I smiled at Itachi. "I think we could be good friends, Itachi. You're a great listener. And you offer your sympathies in your own way. Zetsu was a jerk – he couldn't even remember my name. And Madara was a meanie – not that that's anything new. But you're pretty nice. To think Dessie's actually friends with a nice person…"

"Hn."

"I have no idea what you're saying, but it's probably nice."

"Kate," said Kisame. "Itachi keeps telling you to stop talking, you're giving him a headache."

I paused. I stared at Kisame, who was grinning slightly, and then at Itachim who looked extremely bored (albeit cool). Right then, I probably would have unleashed all of my pregnant fury on the both of them – if there hadn't been this popping sensation – like a goldfish floating to the surface of his bowl and making bubbles with the air – in my belly.

My eyes grew wide and I touched my stomach. There popping sensation was there again.

"Kate?" Kisame seemed confused. "Are you okay? Is Felix okay? What's wrong? Do you need more root beer? Do you need dirt? Do you need a shark? You know I frown upon eating sharks, but if you _really_ have a craving for it–"

"He moved!" I cried. I grabbed Itachi's wrist and placed his hand on my stomach. The popping sensation was still going.

"Hn."

(How can Itachi still look like a badass even when he's feeling a baby move for the first time!)

"Felix is moving!" cried Kisame.

I placed his hand on my stomach so he could feel Felix kick too.

"What's going on!" cried Dessie, leaping over the coffee table. "Felix is moving?" She pushed Kisame's hand out of the way. "Oh my god-jashin-warg-four-aram-squisher-nerissa-pain-the-great-plant-king-zetsu-and-momentarily-kisame! That's amazing!"

"Baby! The baby's moving!"

Have you ever seen a group of criminally insane villains get excited over a pregnant woman's stomach? I have. And let me tell you, it is one of the most incredible things you will ever see. Even Itachi, in all his badassery, managed a smile.

"You know," said Dessie. "I wouldn't mind having kids myself one day…"

"Quick, Hidan!" cried Kisame. "Now's your chance!"

"I don't want kids!" cried Hidan. "They're loud and noisy and annoying!"

"Shush!" I said. "What if Felix hears you? His subconscious might be scarred by your words!"

"He can't hear me through your huge stomach!" snapped Hidan.

I punched Hidan in the jaw. (Face the fury of pregnant Kate!).

"It'd be terrible to have a subconsciously scarred baby," said Sasori. "He's already a criminally insane homosexual split personality – we really shouldn't mess him up any more."

"He's cute," said Zetsu, staring adoringly at my stomach. "We won't eat him when he's born."

I edged away from Zetsu slightly.

"Is he done?" asked Leader, sounding slightly disappointed.

"He'll kick more," I promised.

"Not that I care," said Leader, coughing.

"Sure…"

I grinned around at the group of insane psychopaths around me. They were smiling back at me, a light of surprised joy in their eyes. Nothing could have ruined that moment. It could only made the moment better. So, when the floor of Aram's living room exploded, throwing us all across the room in random directions – it was still one of the happiest moments of my life!

* * *

**A/N: Let me see... There were somethings I was supposed to say. Let's see if I can remember. **

**1) Thanks to Simplicity-Shitsuboku for reviewing practically every chapter! Of all three books. You're awesome. This chapter is dedicated to you.**

**2) Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this book. I'm on chapter 34 and I already have 1591 reviews. YOU PEOPLE ARE AWESOME!**

**3) Check out fanart. It's on my profile page. Thanks to Rvlakia Kaviar for being the first to make fanart for this book.**

**4) Er - Hollywood Undead is awesome. I listened to it while writing this chapter**

**5) REVIEW or the Akatsuki will leave you dead in a ditch and you won't be able to meet baby Felix! **


	36. Those Damn Bad Habits

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Those Damn Bad Habits**

**Hannah**

"Where are we going?"

"Wait and see!" Ren skipped along the tunnel, a grin plastered across his face. "Wait and see! It's going to be fun!"

"Whenever you say the word 'fun', bad things happen."

Ren laughed. "That's only in your experience. Sometimes fun things actually do happen."

We were still walking through the tunnels – as we had been doing for hours, maybe even days, on end. We could have been going in circles for all I knew. I just followed Ren – the crazy psychotic Ren – wherever he led me. Urg, this was going to end badly.

"How much longer?" I asked. To make matters worse, Ren hadn't given me time to change out of this stupid sexy ringleader costume. I was walking around with a top hat and a cheap whip. I must've looked like such a whore.

"Not far, not far." Ren was practically glowing with delight. "Wait and see!"

"Yeah, I've been waiting for a long time."

"Yes, but the wait is much shorter now."

"How much shorter?" I asked in exasperation.

Ren stopped. He looked up at the ceiling. Then, he looked at me, a wide grin spreading across his face. "We're here."

I stared at the ceiling. It looked the same as all the other ceilings in this place – and, trust me, I had seen a lot of ceilings. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure." Ren grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. I tried to resist, but, unfortunately, Ren was a god. And I was dead. Little competition there.

"What do you mean 'pretty sure'?" I cried. "Don't do this unless you're absolutely sure!"

"I might be wrong in my calculations," said Ren. "But I'm pretty sure I'm right. It's been awhile since I've been to the Dale."

"Ren!"

He jumped. Through. The. Ceiling.

I have been through too many ceilings-floors-walls-things-that-I-should-not-go-through on this adventure.

"Ren!"

We erupted through the floor and landed on a soft, furry carpet. I stood there, clinging to Ren and staring around the room wildly. We had ended up in a bedroom – a terribly decorated bedroom, if I might add. The carpet was made of sheepskin with a giant tiger rug. The bed was massive, at least twice the size of a king-bed and it had leopard print bedcovers. Worse yet, there were two people in the bed. Yep. Way to make for an awkward entrance.

The man sat up, the covers falling away to reveal his bare chest. The god's yellow eyes narrowing at Ren. "What are _you_ doing here!"

"Oops," said Ren. "Wrong room."

"Pretty sure!" I cried, reaching for my frying pan.

"Oh, come on, Princess!" Ren leapt out of the frying pan's range. "It was an honest mistake."

"An honest mistake that interrupted two gods having sex!"

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Ren raced around the room, fleeing my magical frying pan of doom and despair.

"Honey…" The goddess sat up and looked around the room irritably. "Why are there two idiots…" She trailed off as her eyes fell on Ren. "What is _he_ doing here?"

"Hi!" said Ren, leaping over their bed. "Reve! You haven't aged a day! You're boobs are still as freakishly gigantic!"

Reve glowered. "I remember why I hate him."

"General!" cried the man, stepping out of the bed. The covers fell away and revealed more than I wanted to see. Before I could speak, Ren sprinting across the room and covered my eyes.

"Deronde!" cried Ren. "How could you ruin my poor princess's innocence! Shame on you! Shame! Shame! Shame!"

"Princess?" (I couldn't see Deronde's face, but I'm pretty sure he was making a puzzled expression).

"My beloved Princess Hannah," said Ren.

Reve snorted. "Well no wonder you have issues with my breasts – if you like little things like that."

I pushed Ren's hands away from my eyes and glowered at Reve. "Don't talk about my chest like that, Ho."

"You're one to talk," said Reve, examining my sexy ringleader outfit.

Ren beamed and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "My BFF is such a fine woman."

"Get off me, idiot." I whacked him in the face with my frying pan.

Reve cackled. "Your fine woman doesn't feel the same way about you, Ren."

"Shut up." I said, pointing my frying pan at her. "I get enough shit about having a small chest from Dessie, I don't need it from you too."

"Dessie?" Reve blinked. "Wait a second. _You're_ the sarmassophobic."

I nailed her in the head with my frying pan.

"I am going to _chop Dessie up into little tiny bite sized pieces and feed them to my husband_."

"Reve!" Deronde checked his wife's bleeding face. She looked pretty miserable. Deronde turned to me, his eyes flashing with raw rage. "You bitch! You ruined her beautiful face!"

"She's a goddesses," I said. "She'll heal."

"Princess Hannah," said Ren. "You're a little violent."

"I'm evil – get over it."

Deronde walked over to his dresser and started rummaging through the drawers. I squinted, trying to see what he was looking for – perhaps some pants. But instead, he pulled out a giant gun and pointed it at Ren and me.

"Get the fuck out of my house."

I screamed.

Ren scooped me up in his arms and fled.

BANG!

Ren jumped down the hole in the floor.

BANG!

"You crazy idiot!" I shrieked, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Next time be sure before you just through someone's floor!"

BANG!

"AH!"

Ren laughed. I'm not kidding. It wasn't a soft laugh or a snicker or a chuckle, it was a full, booming laugh that filled the tunnels and could compete with the volume of the giant gun firing at us.

BANG!

"You're insane!" I wailed.

BANG!

"I think he's chasing us," said Ren, laughing even harder.

BANG!

"I just hit his wife in the face with a frying pan!" I cried. "She called me _flat_. And she mentioned my phobia."

BANG!

"I think your phobia is cute," said Ren.

"You're an idiot. You don't count."

BANG!

"That's my girl." Ren screeched to a halt. He looked up.

"Oh no!" I cried. "Not again. Run! Don't stop! Don't go up! Run!"

BANG!

"Okay!" I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Jump! Jump! Jump! Ren! Jump!"

Laughing, Ren leapt upwards. Through the ceiling we went again. As I've said, time and time again – Ren has a really bad habit of doing that! The dirt broken around us, showering down on us from all directions. I didn't know what was up and what was down. We were moving, rapidly, in some direction that I hoped was up. And then the dirt released us and we were standing in the middle of a living room.

"Here we are," said Ren, grinning proudly.

Still in his arms, I looked around the living room. It slowly began to dawn on me where we were exactly. Kate was lying on the ground, Kisame's arms wrapped around her to protect her from the explosion of dirt and floorboards. Dessie was crouched in the corner, hiding behind an unfamiliar black haired man and Sasori. Kakuzu was lying on the ground, half of his body covered by a couch. Konan was sprawled on top of Zetsu's Venus flytrap, she sat up, rubbing the top of her head. The Blond Fur Ball was propped up against the wall with a lamp shade lying across his lap. Itachi was leaning against the wall, looking extremely cool as usual – and Aram was there. He stood in the middle of the wreckage, his mouth wide open and clutching his short brown hair. "M-m-my house!" cried Aram. "My house! Damn it! Can't you destroy someone else's house for once!"

"Ren…" I said slowly. "It's the Akatsuki…"

"I found them!" said Ren proudly. "Paban told me they were staying in Four's house. Hi, Four!"

Aram looked up and saw Ren. He jaw dropped. "General! What are you doing here! And…" Aram's jaw dropped even further. "Hannah!"

"Hannah?"

Dessie peaked up from behind Sasori and the strange man's back. "Hannah!" She leapt over the two men and sprinted across the rubble filled living room. She screeched to a halt, though, before reaching me and stared.

"What?" I asked.

"Hottie…" said Dessie slowly. "Hannah, you brought a Hottie with you…"

I struggled out of Ren's arms and he put me on the ground. "Yeah, but he's an idiot."

"Hottie!" squealed Dessie, clapping her hands together excitedly. "I'll call him Through-The-Floor-Hottie! Can I have him? You already have a harem, Hannah? Can I add him to mine?"

Before Dessie could hug-tackle Ren (he probably would have enjoyed it), the black haired man picked up Dessie by the waist. She struggled against him, her legs running through mid air, but his grip was iron.

"Porcupine!" wailed Dessie. "Let me hug the Hottie!"

"No."

"Why not? Evil Porcupine! Evil! Evil, I tell you!"

"Um," I said slowly. "Who is this?"

Dessie stopped struggling. She looked at me and then at the man. Then, she pointed at him and said, flatly, "This is the coffee-thieving bastard."

I blinked. "_Madara_? Why does Madara have a body?"

"Vinde," said Ren cheerfully. "He must have given Madara a body when you arrived. How is Vinde? I haven't seen that douche in awhile."

"He's being a douche as always, General," said Aram, his face still flooded with confusion. "What are you doing here, General?"

"Bringing Princess Hannah back!" cried Ren.

"_Princess_, uhn?" Deidara had woken up and was grinning at me smugly. "What have you been doing while you were away?"

"Shut up, Fur Ball," said Dessie, still dangling in the air. "We all know you were drowning in misery."

"Hannah!"

Kate sprinted across the room and flung her arms around my neck (was it just me or had Kate gained some weight?).

"What's up?" I asked, after she released me.

"Guess what!" cried Kate.

"Er…"

"I'm pregnant!"

I stood there. 'Confused' would not have covered my reaction. Maybe 'stunned beyond belief' would have sufficed. "You're, um, _what_?"

"Pregnant." Kate patted her stomach. "Baby Felix kicked a couple of minutes ago."

I turned to Kisame. "Congrats. I never knew you had it in you."

"Hey! We came to the Dale to save you and you insult us!"

"Silly," said Kate, patting Kisame on the arm. "Yola, the goddess of pregnancy, decided to spite me and made me pregnant with my own split personality."

"Yes," I said blankly. "Because that's not completely insane at all."

"It was terrible at first,' said Kate. "But I got over it. Baby Felix is going to be adorable!"

"What the fuck! Hannah! You're supposed to be dead!"

I turned to see – surprise, surprise – Hidan. He was gawping at me, his mouth hanging somewhere around floor level.

"Way to welcome her, Zombie Whore!" cried Dessie.

Hidan look at Dessie and then at Madara, who was still holding Dessie. "What's wrong with you?"

"She's going to attack the Hottie if I let go of her."

"She looks like she's calmed down," said Konan, brushing some dirt off her sleeve.

Madara shrugged. He put Dessie down.

She tackled Ren.

"I stand corrected," said Konan.

Dessie wrapped her arms around Ren's neck and wailed, "Through-The-Floor-Hottie!"

Ren lay on the ground beneath Dessie. He stared at her for a second. She grinned, delighted to have found another drool-worthy face. Ren laughed. (I'm really not surprised).

"Princess!" cried Ren. "She's crazier than I am!"

"No," I said. "No one is crazier than you are."

"So who is this?" asked Leader stiffly.

"Ren, the god of the Underworld," I said.

"Did you blackmail him?"

I turned to see who had spoken. I didn't really have to look. I knew just from the sound of his gruff voice. Kakuzu stood there, wiping some blood off his forehead. He wasn't smiling, but then again, neither was I.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey. Long time no see."

"Yeah."

Ren stood up, Dessie's arms wrapped around his neck. He shifted her to a piggybacking position and grinned at me broadly. "I feel like a koala bear!"

"Koalas are awesome!" cried Dessie.

"I know!" cried Ren. "Not as awesome as cheetahs, but still pretty awesome!"

"Awesome koalas for the win!"

"They're both idiots," said Madara with a sigh.

I nodded grimly. "I had to travel around with that idiot for weeks."

"How did you survive?"

"That's a good question. Mostly I just beat him over the head with a magical frying pan. It tends to do the trick." I made a mental note that Madara was pretty cool (he understood my suffering).

"Hannah!"

I was plastered to the floor with a giant Venus flytrap lying on top of me, his arms wrapped around my middle.

"Hi, Zetsu."

"Hannah!"

"I missed you too."

"Hannah!"

"Yes?"

"Hannah!"

I sighed. "Can someone get this idiot off of me?"

Kakuzu picked Zetsu up by the scuff of his neck. I sat up on the floor and rubbed my aching back (the landing was rough).

"So what are you doing here?" asked Leader.

"Returning to life!" cried Ren. "Princess Hannah cannot be conquered even by death! She will fight for her right to live! That is why she is a brave and noble princess worthy of her title."

"Princess," scoffed Dessie. "Hannah is a queen."

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"We're staying with Aram!" cried Kate. "Did you know he's Four?"

I looked at Aram, who was still trying to figure out what in the Dale was going on. His mouth was moving soundlessly as he stared at the giant hole in his living room floor.

"Sure," I said, rolling my eyes. "I totally knew. Aram has four letters. He's Four. It makes _perfect_ sense." (Note the sarcasm).

"Wow," said Kisame. "None of us figured it out."

Facepalm time.

"HANNAH-NUNU!"

I stepped out of the way at the last second and Tobi went flying to the floor, landing face down rather painfully. He sat up and looked at me through one watery eye. "Hannah-Nunu is as heartless as ever!"

"You're just a–"

I never got to tell Tobi what he was, because at that moment a naked Deronde leapt through the hole in the floor, holding is gigantic gun on his left shoulder.

"What the hell, uhn!"

"You bitch!" screamed Deronde, pointing his gun directly at me. "You're going to pay for destroying Reve's face!"

"She's a goddess!" I cried. "Her face will heal!"

"Why are all the gods in the place completely insane!" wailed Kate.

"Immortality does that to you,' said Ren cheerfully.

"Fanservice!" cried Dessie, checking out Deronde's body approvingly. "He may be insane, but he has abs to _die_ for!"

"Don't say that around a dead person!" I snapped.

Deronde aimed the gun and pulled the trigger.

BANG!

And this is where we end on one of those damned cliffhangers.

* * *

**A/N: ! _MY_ favorite chapter is coming. Not yet, but soon. I just have to write it. Honestly, I skipped forward and wrote part of the chapter once, but I'll probably write it again and mayb publish the original on here later. But... ITSCOMING! **

**Also, I've received a request that I should make this series last for a few more months. My response is: don't worry. The reason I am updating every day at the moment is because it's summer. The moment school starts I won't have time and it will probably end up once or twice a week. **

**Anyways, REVIEW or an army of insane gods/goddesses with giant guns will chase you from one end of the Earth to the other. But they won't be fanservice gods, completely naked, no. They will be FULLY CLOTHED TO HIDE THEIR HOTNESS! NOOOOOOOOO!**


	37. Worm Upchuck

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Worm Upchuck **

**Dessie**

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain Leader would be happy pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.

My eyes fluttered wildly. There wasn't much different between open and closed with my eyelids. I opened my eyes are stared at the darkness in front of me. Well, this can't be good.

From what I remembered, Hannah returned wearing that ridiculous sexy ringleader outfit in the arms of a Hottie god of the Underworld. And then they were followed by an insane, naked (but hot) god with a gun. And he blasted us all into the unconscious. I sat up and rubbed my aching head. He may be hot, but that god was an asshole.

"Hello?"

Did Aram's house cave in? Was I buried underneath the rubble?

"Aram?"

Nothing. Maybe everyone thought I was dead… Can I die in the Dale? I guess so. Shit! What if I'm dead! I forgot to ask Hannah what it's like to die! What if I'm dead! Shit! Shit! Shit!

"Hannah!" I screamed. "Kate! Hidan! Deidara! Madara! Konan! Someone! Anyone? Gods damn it! Answer me!"

Silence.

"I'd better not be dead! If you let me die, I will come back to haunt you for all eternity! I will rip out your throats with my teeth! Actually, will that work? I'm dead so I don't think I could touch you. Damn it!"

"What are you ranting about?"

I spun around to see a glowing fire lighting the dark tunnel. Leader stood there, a scowl fixed on his pierced face.

"Leader!" I wailed, leaping to my feet. I tried to hug him, but he dodged at the last second and I stumbled past him.

"That was cruel," I said, regaining my balance. "I was happy to see you."

"That doesn't mean you have to hug me."

I grinned. "It's a symbol of my appreciation of your existence, Punk-Ass-Hottie."

"If you ever call me that again, I will rip out you eyes and feed them to Zetsu so you can never see another Hottie again."

I shrieked. "I got it! I got it! I'll be good! I'll be good!"

Leader rolled his eyes and examined the tunnel behind me with the orange glow of the fire illuminating the rock fall behind me. From what Leader and I could figure, Deronde had blasted a gigantic hole in Aram's living room (Aram was not going to be happy) which had thrown Leader and I into the tunnels below. The rocks had fallen into an impenetrable wall, blocking us off from the house.

"Can't you just blast the rocks away?" I asked.

"It might cause a cave in," said Leader. "We could be buried alive."

"It won't kill me," I said, shrugging. "Just you."

"Yes, but you might end up buried alive forever. No one knows where we are."

"Gods damn it!"

Leader turned around and walked back the way he came. After a moment's hesitation, I followed him.

"Can't you just jump through the ceiling like Ren gods?"

"Ren's an idiot."

I gasped. "He's a Hottie!"

"That doesn't mean he's not an idiot."

"But he's Through-The-Floor-Hottie."

Leader didn't respond. He continued walking in silence, his expression grim. I followed him, trying to start a conversation. Each time shot down miserably.

"So, those gods are pretty hot."

"Don't care."

"So, want to see something weird?"

"No."

"Do you like cheetahs?"

Leader glared at me. I took that as a 'no'.

I sighed heavily. "You know, Leader, you and I don't really hang out much."

"There's a reason for that."

"Ya – hey! That's rude." I crossed my arms and glowered at Leader. "You shouldn't be so rude. That's probably why I don't hang out with you."

"Hypocrite," muttered Leader.

"What did you say?"

Leader didn't respond. As much as I would like to pretend it was because he was afraid I would beat the shit out of him, I knew he just couldn't be bothered to reply. Damn him and his leaderish actions.

"So, why don't we hang out that much, really? You're a pretty cool guy. And you're not half bad looking." I checked out Leader's arms (he has nice arms).

Leader shot me a murderous glance. "Hidan annoys me."

"What?"

"You're like Hidan the second."

"Great," I groaned. "Are you going to start telling me how I should just get together with Hidan too?"

Leader snorted. "You and Hidan would make a boring couple."

"What!" I didn't know if I should be grateful or pissed as hell.

Leader stopped walking and turned to stare at me. With dead seriousness, he said, "You and Hidan have the exact same personality. It's a unique personality so when you first met of course you would be attracted to each other. You're both egotists who have never met anyone like yourselves before. You were just attracted to yourself in Hidan. But eventually the shock of meeting a male reflection of yourself wears off and you two settle down as friends. Hidan is completely devoted to his god, while you are religious only for the amusement of it. You're more ambitious than Hidan, so the two of you would end up disagreeing anyways. You'd want to rule the world while Hidan would just want to run around sacrificing people – _it doesn't work_." Leader paused and then raised his fist in the air. "Speaking of not working – who the hell wants Kate to date Madara! What are they thinking! Kate only falls in love with men who save her life – why would she ever date an asshole like Madara? Even if she was attracted to Madara – girls have habits of liking the bad boys – Kate would never choose him over a devoted boyfriend like Kisame. Do people not understand Kate's personality! And don't get me started on Madara! He's an evil criminal mastermind who values power and the ability to beat people to death – why would he like the cutely pathetic Kate? She's the most useless member of the Akatsuki! Madara would turn gay for Itachi before he would pick a weak girl like Kate! Kate and Kisame are the best couple is the whole Akatsuki! They're the only two people who can actually stay together. Besides, has Madara ever shown any interest in Kate? Any? No! He's more likely to fall in love with you before Kate! Not that it would ever happen. But you before Kate!" Leader took a deep breath and continued. "Hannah and Kakuzu completely do not work as a couple. They're great as friends, but romantically nothing will happen. Hannah is too shy romantically; she needs a guy who will push her. Zetsu will never push her, he's too considerate of his wife. Out of the Akatsuki, Deidara would be the best match for her because he would actually push her to overcome her sarmassophobia! Deidara just needs to grow a set of balls and claim Hannah as his – right now Deidara is being a sissy and letting Kakuzu take the lead. I don't care if he's had several fights with Kakuzu – Deidara needs to claim Hannah as his own! Brand his name on her! Don't just stand around doing nothing!"

I stared.

"Leader… you're a hardcore shipper, aren't you?"

"I spend all day in an office with Konan, how can I not be a shipper!"

"Good point… But still… All that was scary coming from you."

"Shut up. I'm the leader of the Akatsuki, I have to know these things." Leader started walking again.

"So," I said, following him. "You know about Konan's secret love for Itachi."

"WHAT!"

I laughed and waltzed past Leader. "Just kidding. I ship you with Konan."

Leader gritted his teeth. "Don't make up bullshit like that or I will scar that face you're so proud of so that no Hottie will ever want to go anywhere near you."

I shuddered. "Why must you threaten me like that!"

Leader didn't respond (Damn him!).

"TOBI IS GOING TO DIE! SOMEONE HELP TOBI! TOBI!"

Leader and I turned to stare down the tunnel. At first, we didn't know what was going on. Then, in the far distant dark of the tunnel, we saw a glowing orange light and the bright orange mask above it. Tobi – in all his Tobishness – came sprinting full speed down the tunnel towards Leader and me.

"Tobi?"

"Great," muttered Leader. "Of all the people I could have been stuck in a tunnel with it had to be Tobi and Hidan the second."

"My name is Dessie."

"Same thing."

"DESSIE-NUNU! LEADER!" Tobi was gunning down the tunnel. "SAVE TOBI! SAVE TOBI! TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO DIE!"

"What is he rambling about?" I asked.

"I don't know and I don't care," said Leader.

Tobi was getting closer. All of a sudden, the tunnel started shaking. It was like an earthquake, the tunnel moved violently from side to side and I clutched the wall to keep myself standing upright.

"What is this!" I cried.

Leader stood in the middle of the tunnel, refusing to use the wall as support. The shaking got to be so much that Leader lost is balance and fell on his ass. If I was too busy trying to stay upright myself, I would have laughed. Then again, if I had, Leader probably would have ruined my beautiful face.

"DESSIE-NUNU!"

"Tobi!" I shouted. "What's going–"

Tobi scooped me up in his arms and he sprinted past. He slung me over his shoulder without breaking his run. It was then – bouncing around on Tobi's shoulder – that I saw exactly what he was running from.

It was a worm. Not just any worm. A _giant_ worm with teeth the size of my head and a mouth the size of the tunnel.

I screamed.

"What?" Leader was looking around wildly. He looked back at the Fanged-Worm and – after a moment's hesitation, Leader leaped up and ran like hell.

"Leader!" I yelled. "Don't run! Beat that worm into submission! Make that worm your bitch! Not in a sexual way! That would be creepy! But destroy that worm!"

"Why don't you!" shouted Leader. But, despite his words, Leader spun around mid-run and raised his hands, using a repulsion technique on the worm. The Fanged-Worm was unaffected by the repulsion – is that even possible? – and continued charging at Leader.

"It's not working!" shouted Leader, sprinting after Toni and me.

"Gods damn it!" I screamed. "Don't be a pussy, Leader! Be a man! You have a dick, right!"

"Shut up, Hidan the second!" shouted Leader. "The worm is impervious to my attacks!"

"You only attacked it once!"

"You're an idiot!"

"What!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY! TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO DIE! SO TOBI WANTS TO POINT OUT TO LEADER AND DESSIE-NUNU THAT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE ARGUING!"

"Shut up, Tobi!" shouted Leader and I in unison.

"Leader…" I said slowly.

"What!"

"You do know we're heading back to the pile of rubble, right!"

Leader didn't respond. Instead, he tried attacking the Fanged-Worm again. Unfortunately, the attack had no affect on the worm.

"We're going to die!" I wailed. "Leader! Why are you so useless!"

"Dessie-Nunu, that isn't very supportive," said Tobi.

"Who cares about being supportive! We're going to die!"

"Tobi should teach Dessie-Nunu how to be a good girl Good girls are always supportive of other people- even in the face of death. Good girls shouldn't say bad words like 'pussy' and 'dick'. Good girls shouldn't kick and punch especially when good boys are trying to save their lives. Good girls shouldn't chase hot guys, stealing kisses and molesting them. Good girls shouldn't act like sluts and should dress nicely."

"Is this really the time to be telling me how to be a good girl!"

"Tobi is trying to teach Dessie-Nunu important things!"

"I don't want to be a good girl! I'm a bad girl! I'm a very bad girl! Now run faster before this giant Fanged-Worm eats us whole!"

Tobi ran faster, but that didn't stop him from wailing, "DESSIE-NUNU SHOULD BE A GOOD GIRL! DESSIE-NUNU SHOULD NOT WANT TO BE A BAD GIRL! BAD GIRLS ARE BAD! NO ONE LIKES BAD GIRLS!"

"I like bad girls, so leave me alone!"

"You argue over the stupidest things!" shouted Leader.

"Tobi sees the end of the tunnel!"

I twisted around trying to see the rock fall. Sure enough, it was dead ahead. Our doo, in the form of fallen rocks. But there – standing in front of the rock slide with a bemused expression on his face – was the spiky haired porcupine.

"Madara!" I wailed. "We're going to die!"

Madara stared at me, then at Tobi, and then at Leader, running behind us while attacking the Fanged-Worm. "You're kind of useless."

"What!" I yelled. "I'm going to murder you! I'm going to rip out your throat you so can't ever insult me again!"

The rockslide was growing nearer and the worm's teeth we clashing together not far behind us.

Madara grinned. He created several hand signs and then held his hands in the standard grip of a sword. A black-fire blade appeared between Madara's hands, the blade deathly sharp. Laughing, he charged forward – past Tobi and me, past Leader – and into the mouth of the giant Fanged-Worm. Madara disappeared behind the beasts fangs and down the throat – gone.

Leader, Tobi, and I stopped. We turned to stare at the Fanged-Worm.

"Is he an idiot?" asked Leader.

I stared. And stared. And stared. Then I started kicking and punching in my bad girl manner. "Put me down! Put me down! Put me down! Tobi! Put me down!"

Tobi practically dropped me in surprise. I leapt to my feet and drew my spikes. "Stupid Madara – how dare he call me useless! I'll fucking show him who's the useless one!" And then, like the idiot I am, I charge into the worm's mouth after Madara.

Let me sat this. Worms are disgusting. On the inside, they're all slimy and disgusting. The muscles of the throat suffocated me, pushing against my skin. I couldn't see a thing. It was black, and small, and painful. I didn't know what was going on and – worst of all – it was _gross_!

"Madara!" I screamed. I coughed on the worm's mucus. This was disgusting. "Madara! Coffee-thieving bastard of a porcupine!"

"What?"

"Madara!"

"What are you doing in here!"

I gripped my spikes (great weapon, spikes – you should try using them some time) and thrust them into the worm's throat. The worm shuddered and them muscles spasmed wildly.

"Don't call me useless, you shithead!" I shouted.

Something slimy grasped my shoulder. I screamed and leaped backwards, but the slimy thing (which turned out to be a hand) kept a firm grasp on me.

"Dessie! You're an idiot!"

"You're one to talk, Porcupine!"

"Do you have to call me 'Porcupine'!"

"Yes!"

"You're annoying!"

"You're a thief!"

"Why are you still going on about that!"

"Because it's my coffee!"

"Damn it." Madara pulled me closer, one slimy arm wrapped around my neck. "Don't move!"

"It's gross!" I wailed. "It's slimy and gross! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

"It's mucus! Now shut up!"

"It's gross!"

"Yeah, yeah – when you scream like that you're useless."

I tried to stab Madara in the chest, but in the darkness, I missed and buried the spike in the worm's throat. The worm stopped moving and for a second, its muscles twitched wildly. There was a deep, scratching sound from inside the worm.

"What's going on?" I asked Madara slowly.

"Oh shit…"

"What?"

"Hold your breath."

"Why?"

"Because we're about to be thrown up."

"OHMYFUCKINGGODS, MADARA I'M GOING TO K-"

And that's when the upchuck came.

* * *

**A/N: Review or you will be forced to eat ten bowls of worm upchuck! **


	38. Kinkiness In The Graveyard

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Kinkiness In the Graveyard**

**Kate**

The number of times Aram's living room has blown up in the course of fifteen minutes is twice, and before we leave the Dale for good, Aram's living room had not seen the end of its destruction.

I sat up and rubbed my aching head. I touched the slight bulge in my stomach and was relieved to feel Baby Felix kicking.

"What the hell!" screamed Aram. He clutched his head and stared around the room. "My house! My house! Do you know how much effort I put into this house! Stop destroying it! General! I'm going to kill you!"

Ren grinned as he looked around the room sheepishly. "It looks like Deronde left."

I stood up, still keeping a hand on my stomach. "Where's Kisame?"

Ren looked around. Slowly, his jaw dropped. "Where's my BFF?"

"Who?" asked Sasori, hopping over the new hole in the living room.

"Princess Hannah!"

"Oh, the slut in the sexy ringleader outfit," said Hidan. "Dessie, Leader, Itachi, and Tobi are missing too."

"Almost everyone is missing," said Kakuzu. "It's just you, me, Kate, Sasori, Aram, and that idiot who brought Hannah left."

"Calling me an idiot is a little harsh," said Ren sheepishly. "I prefer individually spirited."

"It's the same thing," said Kakuzu.

"My house!" wailed Aram. "Nerissa is going to murder me! I'm going to die!"

"Can gods die?" I asked.

"You're worried about your house!" cried Ren. "Princess Hannah has been kidnapped by the crazy naked god!"

"That is very worrying," said Hidan. "Who knows what crazy naked gods will do to the girls they kidnap."

I gasped and clamped my hand over my mouth. "You mean… Deronde…"

"Nothing like that," said Ren. "But Deronde is, um, more insane than I am."

"We noticed," said Kakuzu grimly.

"You people still don't understand!" wailed Aram. "Nerissa is a demon! She loves this house! The moment she gets home – oh shit oh shit oh shit! Please don't let her castrate me!"

"It's okay, Aram," I said, patting him on the shoulder. "We won't let Nerissa castrate you."

Hidan laughed. "Your dick is safe with us, Aram."

"Shut up,' said Aram. "I can transport your ass back to Wargonia – they still hold grudges against you."

"I can't leave her!" declared Ren.

"Leave who?" asked Hidan.

"Princess Hannah!" cried Ren. "Not with that crazy man! He might violate her and then his wife, Reve, will murder Hannah for touching her husband! Crazy, obsessive, impulsive, murderous gods!"

"You're the craziest of them all," muttered Sasori.

"He doesn't know how amazing Princess Hannah is!" cried Ren. "He'll mistreat her! He'll give her cherry tarts instead of lemon tarts! She prefers lemon tarts!"

"I don't see why that's relevant," said Kakuzu.

Ren frowned and started pacing backwards and forwards, his eyes narrowed in concentration, he kept muttering to himself so low that none of us could hear him. We watched Ren's inner turmoil for a moment before returning to our own conversation.

"Looks like Derone kidnapped everyone else," said Kakuzu.

"Should we go find them?" I asked.

"Where?" Sasori frowned. "Do you know where he took them?"

We all turned to Aram, who was still fretting about the terrible things his wife would do to him after she saw the state of the living room.

"Quit being a fucking pansy," said Hidan. "Do you know where the naked idiot took the others?"  
Aram shook his head. "Deronde is the god of guns and Reve is the goddess of separation. Even if I tried to find the others using my ability, Reve will probably hide them from me. Separation is generally where you can't find the other party."

"Now that's just annoying," said Hidan. "You'd think they wouldn't have such convenient powers – but _no_ convenience is all on the side of those assholes."

"What are you talking about?" asked Kakuzu.

Hidan paused and considered this. "I have no fucking clue."

"Then shut up."

"So what should we do?" I asked. "Deronde could have taken them anywhere!"

"That's it!"

We all turned to stare at Ren, who had stopped his pacing. He turned to the rest of us and bowed rather formally. "I'm sorry to leave after we've just met, but I have a BFF to save." And without another word, Ren jumped into the hole he came from and disappeared from sight.

"Who is he again?" asked Sasori.

"Ren," I said. "The god of the Underworld."

"He's weird."

"You're one to talk," Hidan muttered. "Do the words 'batshit insane puppet master' mean anything to you?"

There was a loud cough and we all turned to the entrance to the living room where a little blue gnome stood, staring at the two giant holes in the floor with a rather amused expression.

"Please don't tell me Nerissa is home!" wailed Aram. "I'll clean it up! I'll clean it up! Just stall her!"

"It's not Lady Nerissa," said Squisher. "There's been another request for the Akatsuki."

Aram looked around the room – there was only Kakuzu, Sasori, Hidan, and me. He turned back to Squisher. "We only have part of the Akatsuki."

"How are you going to win all the votes?" asked Squisher.

Aram bit his lip, thinking hard. "Other than Itachi whoring himself out to all the female goddesses and Dessie pleasuring all the male gods – I don't see much of a choice…"

"What are you talking about!" I cried. "Why do Itachi and Dessie have to be the whores?"

"Because they're attractive and single," said Aram with a shrug. "Unless you're volunteering to be the whore… Are you volunteering to be the whore?"

"No!"

"Then quit complaining. Dessie shouldn't mind. Most gods are hot… Though there are a few exceptions… It's Itachi we have to convince…"

"Why are we even talking about this?" I cried.

"I'm pretty sure Dessie will kick you in the balls if you ever suggest this to her," said Sasori.

"I'm pretty sure Itachi will rip your balls _off_ if you ever suggest this to him," said Hidan. He paused and then grinned. "On second thought you should suggest this to Itachi."

"Screw you," said Aram. "What should we do?"

"You could just send the four of them to do the task," said Squisher.

"That could end badly," said Aram. "Who's requesting?"

"Todo."

Aram shuddered. "_That _creep."

"Who's Todo?" I asked.

"Todo is the god of graveyards," said Aram. He sighed. "I guess we don't really have a choice." He turned to Kakuzu, Sasori, Hidan, and I. "For Hannah's sake, you must go and complete the tasks intended for thirteen people – have fun!"

I don't think any of us hated Aram as much as we did at that moment.

* * *

My eyes opened and I was in a coffin. Not a closed coffin. It was just the base part, which was lying in the back of a black hearse. I shrieked and practically fell flat on my face in my desperation to get out of the coffin. Sasori caught me before I hit the ground and held me up right.

I stood up and looked around. We were standing just outside a graveyard. The hearse was parked on the side of a gravel road, overlooking a misty graveyard with thousands and thousands of tombstones. It was stereotypical graveyard with thick fog and dying, spidery trees. Skeletons stood over a tombstone, digging a hole with their shovels. A huge black coffin rested beside the tomb, ready to be buried as soon as the skeletons had finished. All of a sudden there was stream of swearing coming from the coffin. The animated skeletons dropped their shovels and hauled off the coffin lid. Hidan leapt up and kicked the nearest skeleton in the face – knocking the skull clean off.

"That fucking Four!" shouted Hidan. "I'm going to kill him. How dare he dump me inside a fucking coffin!"

"Don't hurt them, nehheh. They're good skeletons, honestly, nehheh."

A cold shiver ran up my spine as I turned to see Todo. He fell into the category that Aram considered 'exceptions'. He was small and hunched with a pale, clammy face and slimy black hair. He was dressed like he was attending a funeral – in an entirely back suit. His sunken eyes glowed with mirth as he watched us and he clapped his worm-like hands together. "So you're the Akatsuki, nehheh. I thought there were more of you nehheh."

I swear I threw up a little in my mouth.

"We misplaced some of them," said Kakuzu. "But the four of us here will fulfill your task."

"There's only one girl, nehheh," said Todo, rather disappointed. "And she's pregnant, nehheh."

"Excuse me for being pregnant," I muttered. "It's Yola's fault anyways."

"I'm kind of glad Dessie, Konan, and Hannah aren't here," said Sasori under his breath. "They might have ended up molested."

"Are you kidding?" asked Hidan. "That would have been hilarious. They would have beaten the shit out of him."

"So what's our job?" asked Kakuzu, driving us back to our main purpose.

Todo frowned slightly. "You are standing in the graveyard of the gods, nehheh. Here we bury all the deceased gods, nehheh. I am the keep of this graveyard and it is my job to tend to it, nehheh."

"Why do the gods need a graveyard?" asked Sasori.

"Even gods die, nehheh," said Todo, snickering uncontrollably after every sentence. "We're just very hard to kill, nehheh."

"I swear if we have to stay with him any longer, I will find him a grave in this place," muttered Sasori.

"Good luck with that, nehheh," said Hidan.

Sasori punched Hidan in the stomach and Hidan doubled over, coughing.

"So why are there so many graves?" asked Kakuzu, looking over the fields littered with tombstones. "Aren't you immortal?"

"We are, nehheh. Those are from the War of Fumea's Throne, nehheh."

"The War of Fumea's Throne?"

Todo didn't answer, because, at that very moment, there ground beneath a grave groaned and a gray, molding hand thrust out from the dirt and clawed at the grass.

"What is that!" I shrieked, leaping behind Sasori.

"Gods are immortal, nehheh," said Todo. "So even when we die, we come back as brainless zombies, nehheh. My job is usually to kill them, nehheh. Tonight's my vacation – you're taking over, nehheh." Todo paused and then added. "Now that I look carefully, you're butt pretty firm, nehheh."

I gasped and leapt away from Todo. Stuck between zombie gods and a perverted coroner – could things get any worse!

Hidan grabbed me around the waist and lifted me from the ground. "Come on, Kate – we have some zombies to slaughter." He laughed and carried me into the graveyard where the first zombie had managed to pull himself halfway out of the ground and his pale, sniveling face was groaning and drooling with the effort. Hidan laughed and swung his scythe, which sliced the zombie's torso clean off and sent zombie intestines flying everywhere – including my face.

I spoke too soon. This could definitely get worse.

Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan threw themselves into killing zombies with surprising enthusiasm. Kakuzu ripped them to shreds, his tentacles tearing through the dead organs and flesh without problem. The zombie disintegrated into ashes, which – according to Todo – would be restored in their graves so they could rise the next night. Great. Sasori's puppets thoroughly defeated any zombie that appeared him, slicing the zombie into thousands of pieces within seconds. Hidan was probably the most ecstatic of the three of them. He cackled madly and ran about with his scythe – looking frighteningly like the Grim Reaper.

I, on the other hand, was less than enthusiastic.

"GET AWAY! GET AWAY! GET YOUR MOLDING HAND OFF ME, YOU DISGUSTING DEAD THING! OH MY GODS, WHY IS YOUR EYEBALL FALLING OUT OF ITS SOCKET! EW! SASORI! HIDAN! KAKUZU! SAVE ME!"

"Save yourself," grumbled Sasori.

"I'M PREGNANT! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!"

Something grabbed my butt and I screamed and spun around, expecting to see Todo. Instead, I found a moldy zombie had his hand on my ass and was grinning at me lecherously, showing all of his disintegrated teeth.

I screamed.

"WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS GRAVEYARD A PERVERT!"

"Now that I think about it," said Todo, watching from the sidelines, "Your breasts aren't too bad either, nehheh. Pregnancy probably helped them, nehheh."

I was crying as I ran away from the perverted zombies and the perverted god.

"Don't fuck with me!" cried Hidan, raising his scythe above his head and slicing a zombie in two. "I'm the fucking _king_ of zombies!"

"Save me!" I screamed as one of the zombies tried to feel me up.

Hidan paused in the middle of cutting off another zombie's head and stared at me. "Wow," he said. "This graveyard is kind of a kinky place. Kate's getting it on with a zombie."

"They're molesting me!" I wailed.

Hidan shrugged and decapitated the zombie. "Then kill them!"

"I can't!"

"Why not? It's easy! And fun!" Hidan laughed and tore another zombie to shreds with his scythe.

"I can't! I'm pregnant! What do you expect a pregnant woman to do!"

Hidan shrugged and carried on murdering zombies. I wailed and fled to Kakuzu for help. I know had at least six or seven zombies chasing after me in an attempt to feel me up. I practically fell at Kakuzu's feet when one zombie got too close to third base.

"Help me!" I cried.

"Help yourself," said Kakuzu as another zombie turned to ash.

"But I'm pregnant!"

"That excuse only works so many times."

Urg. Why did I get stuck with the completely heartless members of the Akatsuki?

My hoard of adoring zombie fans were drawing closer, so I leapt to my feet and sprinted towards Sasori for help. He took one look at me and said, "No."

"Why are you guys so mean!" I wailed as I printed through the graveyard. "You guys are male! You don't need to worry about these things!"

"I can help you, nehheh," said Todo.

"No! Anyone but you!"

A zombie jumped on my back.

I screamed and started thrashing about wildly, the heavy, foul body weighing down on my back. "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! IT'S DISGUSTING! IT'S LEAVING BEHIND PARTS OF ITS FLESH! EW! EW! EW!"

I tripped.

The zombie flew over my head and slammed head-first into a tombstone. For a moment it lay there, its head caved in, and then its body transformed to ash.

I stared at the spot where the zombie had just been mutely. Then, a slow, wide smile spread across my face and I jumped to my feet. "Ha-ha! Take that you zombie! Did you all see that! Kate can fight too – even when she's pregnant!"

My zombie fan club drew closer, drool trickling down their chins and their perverted eyes sparking in delight.

"Draw closer," I said. "But only if you want to be turned to ash like your buddy!"

The zombies really didn't care that I had just killed one of their kind. They kept coming closer. One of them reached for my breasts. I tried to punch him and missed entirely. The zombie groped me. I screamed.

WHAM!

The entire zombie fan club went flying across the graveyard, turning into a cloud of ash mid-air. I spun around to see who my savior was – Sasori? Kakuzu? Hidan? – and found only the short, slimy god of the graveyard.

"I couldn't see you get hurt, nehheh."

I threw up a little in my mouth. "That's okay… I could have handled it…"

Todo raised his hands and squeezed his fingers as if he was grabbing an invisible pair of breasts. "I could bear to see those disgusting things touching what is mine, nehheh."

I stared at Todo for a whole two seconds before I started crying. I mean legitimate crying. I was standing in the middle of a graveyard surrounded by perverted zombie who wanted to rape me and a god who wanted to molest me and none of the Akatsuki would help me and I was pregnant and Kisame wasn't anywhere and I just cried.

"What's wrong, baby, nehheh?" asked Todo.

That only made me cry harder. "I'm… not… you're… baby…" I wailed between sniffling sobs.

"It's alright, baby, nehheh," said Todo, stepping closer and reaching for me. "I'll make it all better."

Todo, thankfully, never touched me. Why? Because Kakuzu – in all his black tentacle rage – stepped between Todo and me.

"Damn it," said Kakuzu, glancing back at me with tears streaming down my face. "You just had to ruin it – annoying gods."

"Ruin what, nehheh!" cried Todo.

"We were just trying to make her useful for once," said Sasori, his army of puppets surrounding him. "Not only did you destroy the zombies chasing her, but then you made her cry."

"Never," said Hidan, raising his scythe above his head. "Never make a pregnant woman cry!"

Todo took one look at Kakuzu with his tentacle, Sasori with his puppets, and Hidan with his scythe – and screamed like a little girl Todo fled faster than Hidan could swing his scythe.

"Well, that took care of that problem," said Kakuzu.

"Where'd he go?" asked Sasori, looking around."

"Who cares?" asked Hidan. "He was fucking annoying."

"Thank you!" I wailed, beaming at all three of them. "Thank you so much! I was so afraid and so upset, but you saved me! Thank you!"

"Don't thank us yet," said Sasori, yawning.

"Why?"

Kakuzu pulled a kunai out of his pocket and handed it to me. "There's about a hundred or so zombies left. We left them just for you – so make yourself useful for once."

Then Kakuzu, Hidan, and Sasori sat down on the stone wall surrounding the cemetery and watched, with extreme amusement, as I was left to fight a hundred zombies on my own.

"How could you do this to me!" I wailed. "I'm pregnant!"

* * *

**A/N: So here's the deal. I'm going to try and write two more chapters (actually only one since chapter 40 is kind of already written) before I go to bed. However, I have one request for you. Since I plan on updating three times within two hours - would every single one of you please review. When you think about it, my request is way smaller than the feat I'm trying to accomplish! Please? Because I love you all very much and this was a very fun chapter to write...**

**REVIEW OR YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF VISITED BY PERVERTED ZOMBIES IN THE NIGHT (and they go both ways)**


	39. The Harem's Toilet Scrubber

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Harem's Toilet Scrubber**

**Hannah**

It's cold. I don't like the cold. It's very, um, cold.

I opened my eyes and sat upright. I rubbed my head wearily and looked around. Well, the cold made sense. I was sitting in an igloo surrounded by the Akatsuki (or, more accurately, Konan, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, and Zetsu). I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and shuddered it was freezing.

Deidara yawned and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he did so. He paused. Blinked several times. And said, "Why the hell are we in Antarctica, uhn?"

"Like I know."

Deidara stared at me for a second and the grinned. He sat there, like an idiot, just grinning at me. I wasn't sure exactly what to say. I tried moving my mouth several times, but I couldn't figure out what to say. Deidara just kept on grinning, his smile stretching across his face.

"Stop it," I said, scowling at the frozen floor. "You look stupid."

"You're back, uhn," said Deidara.

"I'm still dead."

Deidara's stupid grin didn't falter in the slightest. "As long as you're back, uhn."

The smallest of smile danced across my face, but I kept my head down so Deidara couldn't see it. "Yeah."

And then Zetsu tried to bite Deidara's head off and the moment was ruined. We really can never have any serious moments in the Akatsuki without them being interrupted by some idiotic, violent action. Urg. The life we live…

"Get off me, you over grown house plant, uhn!" said Deidara, kicking Zetsu off of him.

"Don't touch our Hannah," said Zetsu firmly.

"It looked like Ren was touching her a lot," said Konan, sitting up and looking around the igloo.

Zetsu's eyes narrowed. "We don't like Ren."

"Join the club," I said.

"Where is Kate!"

I sighed. That would be the first thing Kisame would say when he wakes up. I turned to him and said, "I don't know. It's only us here."

Kisame gasped. "What if that perverted naked god is molesting her! My poor Kate! The Dale just isn't nice to her! The cruelties! The inhumanity! I will crush whoever harms my precious Kate!" (What Kisame didn't know what at this very moment Kate was being sexually harassed by zombie).

"Where are we?" asked Konan, completely ignoring Kisame's rant.

"Hn." (Apparently Itachi was up too).

"Itachi says he doesn't know," translated Kisame.

Konan crawled along the floor to the entrance of the igloo to peek outside. She never did get to look, because Deronde took that moment to crawl inside the igloo (at least the cold forced him to be fully clothed).

"What have you done to us!" cried Konan.

"Where's Kate?" asked Kisame (that guy is really single minded).

Deronde shrugged. "She's probably at Aram's house still. I blew up the living room and then my wife grabbed as many of you as she could."

"Why?" I asked. "What in the Fence was the point?"

Deronde scowled. "Revenge!"

"For what?" I was really confused about this.

There was a pause. Deronde's eyes narrowed. "You and the general interrupted our pleasure time."

I stared. "_That's_ the reason."

"That's the lamest reason I've ever heard, uhn," said Deidara.

"Well… Um…" Deronde looked flustered for a second. Then he slammed his hand on the side of the igloo, causing the ice to crack. "Shut up! Who's the god here?"

"I don't see any gods," said Deidara. "Only an idiot and the Akatsuki, uhn."

Deronde fired a gun at Deidara's head. Thankfully, Deidara managed to dodge and the bullet scraped the side of his shoulder.

"Shut up," said Deronde. "Or next time I won't miss."

"You call that missing!" cried Deidara.

"I said – shut up. Even if you're in the realm of the gods, you can still die." Deronde lifted the gun and pointed it at Deidara's head. "Want to try me?"

Deidara glared, but said nothing. (I really should take lessons from Deronde. Even if he's a psychopath, he knows how to get Deidara to shut the hell up.)

"Anyways," said Deronde, lowering his gun. "I have a task for you."

I had a bad feeling about this.

"You are currently on the Mountain of Ages," said Deronde. "I want you to find Erre."

"Erre?" repeated Konan blankly.

Deronde smiled crookedly. "Yes, Erre. He's an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in a while. He's somewhere up in these mountains – can you find him for me?"

The bad feeling didn't go away and Deronde's insane smile didn't help any. And the fact that this insane god who runs around naked with a gun on his shoulder claims to have a friend makes me suspicious enough.

"What's the catch?" I asked.

"What catch?" asked Deronde. "Did I say there was a catch? I just want you to find my friend."

"There's a catch," said Itachi flatly.

Deronde tipped his head back and let out a mad fit of laughter. "Alright, alright, there's a catch – but I'm not telling you."

"What a dick," said Konan.

Deronde fingered his gun.

"I mean… What a slick… man…" Konan trailed off, realizing it was hopeless.

Deronde smiled and slipped out of the igloo. "Good luck."

"He's a dick," announced Konan, the moment Deronde was gone. "And I have met some pretty big dicks in my life."

"Um, Konan," I said as Kisame snickered like the pervert he is.

"What?" asked Konan, somehow completely oblivious to what she had just said.

"Um… Never mind."

Zetsu turned to survey the exit to igloo. "It looks like it's storming pretty hard."

"Which makes Deronde and even bigger dick," said Konan. "He knew it was storming!"

"Konan," I said. "Can you say douche instead of dick? I think Kisame's going to die from laughing so hard. Though that might not be a bad thing…"

"Deronde and that huge dick of his," said Kisame, clutching his sides with mirth. "But poor him, Konan knows many men with bigger dicks, so it makes Deronde growing dick seem pathetic no matter how big it grows."

"You're making no sense," I muttered.

"The only guys Konan knows are the Akatsuki, which means we have the bigger dicks," said Itachi.

We all stopped laughing and turned to stare at Itachi. I never thought I would hear something like that come out of his mouth. And – you want to know what the worst part was? – Itachi still managed to look cool while saying that!

"We should probably for look for Erre," said Konan, breaking the silence as we all stared at Itachi in horror.

"In that snowstorm, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Are you afraid of a little snow?" asked Zetsu. "_We're_ not afraid."

"There's fights in the harem," said Kisame. "Hannah, you're better return unity to your boys."

"There never was any unity," I said. "My husband and my bitch fight constantly."

"You know," said Konan. "Since you're dead, Zetsu technically isn't your husband anymore. Until death do us part. You're dead."

I blinked. "Really?"

Konan nodded.

I turned to Zetsu and smiled. "Sorry, but at least you can always be my precious pet."

I swear Zetsu practically wilted right then and there.

Deidara laughed smugly and whacked Zetsu on the back (I think it was supposed to be a pat). "You got demoted, you potted-plant! Sorry, but Hannah prefers blonds, uhn!"

"Don't worry," I said to Zetsu. "A pet is still way higher than a _bitch_."

"Hey!" cried Deidara.

"Shut up," I said. "Or you'll be demoted to toilet scrubber of the harem."

"Not toilet scrubber, uhn!"

"This is reaching a whole new level of ridiculous," said Konan. "We really should go look for Erre."

"But the conversation was just starting to get interesting," said Kisame. "Toilet scrubber Deidara is a new development."

"But I don't want to be a toilet scrubber, uhn!"

Konan sighed. "Kisame, the sooner we find Erre, the sooner you can return to Kate."

"Time to go," said Kisame (he's so easy to control).

He practically threw us all out into the freezing cold. The moment we had all left the igloo, it melted into nothingness and we found ourselves standing alone on the side of a steep, gigantic mountain completely coated in white snow. The winds were howling and snow whipped in all directions. It wouldn't stop falling. Cold. Cold. Cold. I hate the cold.

I shivered and wrapped my arms around my shoulders. I was wearing nothing but that stupid sexy ringleader outfit that Ren had forced me to wear. It was _freezing_! If I wasn't already dead, I would probably freeze to death! (I didn't know it then, but I actually could freeze to death. While it's near impossible to die in the Underworld, dead souls that come to the Dale and take form can be killed by normal methods. However, unlike the Akatsuki, who if they died would go to the Underworld, I would disappear from existence. But, like I said, I didn't know this at the time.)

"I'm cold, uhn!" wailed Deidara.

"We're all cold," I snapped. It was easy for him. At lead his clothes covered his leg and shoulders!

"We don't like the snow," said Zetsu firmly.

"What happened to not being afraid of the snow, uhn?" sneered Deidara.

"We're not afraid of the snow," said Zetsu. "We just don't like it. There's a difference."

Kisame was walking at the front of the group, using his giant sword to carve a path through the snow. Itachi followed behind Kisame to give advice as to which direction to take if necessary. Konan was next in line, then me, then Deidara, and then Zetsu brought up the rear. Unfortunately, this meant that Deidara and Zetsu did nothing but bicker the entire was up the mountain.

"Didn't you miss them, Hannah?" said Konan in exasperation.

Through my chattering teeth, I said, "Not at all. Ren was more than enough to keep me occupied."

"You secretly enjoyed it!" shouted Kisame from the front.

I debated beating Kisame over the head with my new magical frying pan, but figured it would take too much effort to reach the front of the line and whack him. So, instead, I decided to take my frustrations out on Deidara and beat him over the head for being an idiot.

"Ouch!" cried Deidara. "What was that for!"

"Congrats," I said. "You've been promoted back to bitch. The toilet scrubber position is vacant once again. Know anyone who might want to join?"

"Ren?" asked Konan.

"Apparently he's my BFF."

Konan giggled. "Was that your choice or his?"

I shot her a murderous glare. "What do you think?"

Deidara was still rubbing the top of his head, a confused look on his face. "Is it just me or does your frying pan hurt more, uhn?"

"It's a new frying pan," I said. "It's magical. A gift from Ren."

"He gave you a new frying pan!" cried Konan. "Well now you have to marry him."

"I stole her a frying pan once, uhn," said Deidara.

"Yeah, but this is _magical_." And that settled the argument. Also, I think Konan had a new ship coming on.

I shivered and ran my tongue over my blue lips. Gods, it was cold.

"Are you okay, Hannah?" asked Zetsu, hurrying forward. "You can get inside our Venus flytrap with us if you want."

I turned to stare at Zetsu, whose Venus flytrap was almost closed to keep out the cold except for a small crack which he used to see through.

"Zetsu," I said firmly. "That sounded weird on so many levels that I don't know where to begin."

"This is where you use your frying pan, uhn," said Deidara.

"You know," said Konan thoughtfully. "Deidara – why don't you use your explosives to signal Erre?"

Deidara paused to consider this. Then, he grinned like a maniac and pulled out a wad of explosive clay. He molded the clay into a bird and let the bird flutter from his hands and high into the air above. We all watched it flap its wings and struggle against the raging winds.

"Hn."

Kisame paused and then translated, "That's not a good idea."

Deidara grinned. "But art is a BANG!" And then the bird blew up.

We stood there, staring up into the sky as the snow smothered the orange flames and the black smoke danced into nothingness.

"The fires look so warm…" said Konan fondly.

"I can blow you up too, uhn," said Deidara eagerly.

"That's not really necessary…"

"I'll stay cold," I said.

"Are you sure?" asked Zetsu. "You look like your fingers are about to drop off. Our Venus flytrap is very warm and cozy. With two people it will be even cozier."

"I'm going to say no…' I edged away from Zetsu. "I really don't want in your Venus flytrap."

Deidara whacked Zetsu over the head. "Quit making your Venus flytrap sound like a sexual innuendo, uhn."

Zetsu snapped his teeth at Deidara. "We were being serious!"

"That doesn't make it any less of a sexual innuendo, uhn!"

"If there's no sexual intent behind it then it can't be a sexual innuendo! We were just trying to warm Hannah up!"

"There you go again, uhn! There's obviously sexual intent behind that!"

"Just because you think perverted things all the time, doesn't mean we do too. We know you have porn videos with girls and animals in them!"

"How is that even relevant?" asked Konan.

Deidara snorted. "I may have porn videos with animals and women, but at least I don't have plant porn, uhn!"

"There's nothing wrong with plant porn!"

"Wait…" I said slowly. "Zetsu actually has plant porn?"

"Hey… guys…" Kisame trailed off.

Deidara nodded. "It's intense, uhn."

"You've watched it?" asked Konan. "At least Zetsu is part plant, so I can see him getting off on plant porn – but Deidara?"

"How does plant porn work?" I asked.

"Guys!"

"I didn't get off on it, uhn!" cried Deidara. "Zetsu just forced me to watch it!"

"You got off on it even more than we did," said Zetsu.

"I'm still trying to figure out how plant porn works… do they pollinate."

"That would be stupid!" snapped Deidara. "Who would get off on pollination?"

"You," said Zetsu.

"_Guys_!"

"So wait…" I said. "Which is the male plant and which is the female plant? Where do they put it…" I blinked. "Unless it's _gay plant porn_!"

"What!"

"GUYS! THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN IS COMING TO EAT US!"

I wish I could say Kisame was kidding about the abominable snowman and that the idea of the abominable snowman leaving on a mountain outside of the Dale is ridiculous and impossible. But considering how Zetsu somehow managed to find gay plant porn and Deidara somehow managed to get off on that, I think the abominable snowman coming to eat us is a far more likely option.

* * *

**A/N: In this chapter I really just went with the flow. So how did I end up writing about gay plant porn? Oh crap, I'm weird. Anyways, thanks Neko for your reviews, here's your update. **

**If you haven't review the last chapter, please review it as well as this one. I put a lot of effort into writing this so I could update before I go to bed, so please enjoy. **

**REVIEW OR YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH RERUNS OF GAY PLANT PORN.**


	40. The Fourth Category

**Chapter Forty: The Fourth Category**

**Dessie**

Have you ever been thrown up by a giant Fanged-Worm? Madara and I have. And let me tell you, it was d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. One moment, we were suffocating in mucus inside the worm's throat and the next—we were hurtling through the worm with the contents of the worm's stomach. We came out through the mouth while the worm thrashed about the tunnel wildly. I don't really remember what happened—my eyes and mouth were closed and I was clinging to Madara for dear life. And then—whack! I think my head hit a rock or the worm or Madara (I don't really know what) and everything went all fuzzy…

Brain crush. Body ache. Someone kill me. Pain might stop. Urg. No. I can't die. I'm immortal. I can't rule the world forever if I'm not immortal. I will bear with pain. Brain. Stay. Strong. We. Will. Live. Through. This. Urg. Face immortality, bitches.

"Immortality must be what's keeping you alive right now."

My eyes snapped open. I would have rolled over to see who was talking except for the giant rock that was crushing my head.

"Brain crush…" I groaned.

"Yeah, that would hurt."

"You could help me!" I snapped.

"But that'd be a lot less entertaining."

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. "Madara—shut the fuck up!"

I somehow managed to gain control of my hands. I pounded my fists against the side of the rock—brain crush—over and over and over again—brain crush—until the rock started to move—brain crush—it grated against the side of my face—brain crush—until it slid off of me—brain crush done!

"Ah ha!" I sat upright and grinned at Madara. "Take that, Porcupine!"

Madara grinned and gave me the once over. "Don't you look beautiful."

He was leaning against a wall of fallen rocks on the opposite side of the hole. From what I could tell, the rocks had fallen around us and somehow we had managed to land in an air pocket (though I suspect Madara had saved us using one of his jutsus to stop the rocks from landing on us, I have never had confirmation). The air pocket was tiny, barely big enough to fit the two of us. And, of course, Madara looked as disgusting as I did—brown-green worm puke covered his clothes and his ridiculous hair. In his right hand was a ball of flames that illuminated the area. His legs were extended in front of him, reaching the others side of the air pocket—the right one was covered in blood from a wound I couldn't fully see in the dim light.

"You're one to talk," I said, running my fingers through my slimy hair and groaning. "Even a worm couldn't swallow you—you probably taste really bitter."

"Well, it's hardly like you're sweet."

I snorted. "Or maybe you're too prickly for the worm, you coffee-thieving bastard."

"Such a lovely nickname—though I really grow tired of it after a while."

"Oh shut up. You're just jealous that you can't come up with brilliant nicknames."

"Why would I want to do that?"

I grinned and leaned forward, the slime dripping down to the floor. "Because it's fun! Haven't you seen Deidara get pissed whenever we call him the Blond Fur Ball? It's hilarious! Or Hidan when I call him Zombie Whore. Or Fish Fry—I haven't called Kisame that in a long time, maybe I should start again."

Madara rolled his eyes. "You antagonize people in the most childish way."

"You calling me childish!?"

"Yep. You're the one running around saying you want to be an evil overlord when you have no idea what the hell you're doing. That's pretty childish."

"I would be a great evil overlord!"

"Your subjects would rebel almost instantly. Even if you're immortal, it would still be a massacre."

"I'd make a ten time better evil overlord than you—I have the charisma for it!"

"You're banking on charisma?"

"Charisma is important!"

"Your charisma is that you make people want to strangle you within the first two minutes of knowing you."

"It's part of my charm!" I picked up a stone and threw it at Madara's head. He dodged it easily.

"You have no charm."

"More charm that you—you're like an Itachi wannabe." I picked up another rock.

"I was born long before Itachi so technically he's a Madara wannabe."

"But Itachi pulls it off so much better."

Madara's eyes narrowed. "Itachi has no personality. He just stands around and says 'hn'."

"Yeah, but he does it like a badass."

Madara tipped his head back and let out a deep laugh (I don't think I'd ever seen him laugh like that before. Normally it was malicious laughter at other people's—mostly my—expense). "And I'm not badass enough?"

"Not like Itachi. But you're probably eviler. Which is better, since you want to be an evil overlord one day."

"True."

With a sigh, I leaned back against the pile od debris. "Well this is fun."

"I'm having the time of my life," said Madara.

"We should do this all the time," I added. "Rather than wild drinking parties we should just have cave-ins instead."

Madara snorted. "Count me in."

"Dessie-Nunu? Evil Porcupine?"

Our heads snapped up. Somewhere above us was Tobi. We could hear him calling out. His footsteps sounded somewhere above us, thumping against the hard ground.

I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted as loudly as I could. "Here!"

"Leader! Tobi hears Dessie-Nunu! Tobi hears Dessie-Nunu!"

"Shut up, Tobi, I can hear them too." There was a pause and then, "Where are you?"

"Beneath you," said Madara loudly. "We're buried under the rocks."

"We dodged the cave-in," said Leader.

"What happened to the Fanged-Worm?" I asked.

"It threw up, lashed about, and then left—did it throw you two up?"

"Yeah!" I shouted, wiping some more worm puke off my face. "We're covered in this shit and we're buried somewhere under you!"

"Dessie-Nunu is in trouble!" cried Tobi. "Dessie-Nunu might die from lack of air! Tobi doesn't want to lose Dessie-Nunu!"

"We're fine," said Madara. "There are passages for the air to get through."

"Tobi needs to save Dessie-Nunu!"

"Then dig," snapped Leader.

There came the sound of grating rocks as Tobi moved them. The sound came at a rhythm for a minute and then it stopped. "Leader isn't going to help Tobi?"

"Why would I help you? I am the Leader of the Akatsuki—I am not meant for grunt work."

"But it will take forever for Tobi to move all these rocks by himself."

"I said work, slave!"

"Tobi doesn't like this."

I snorted and turned back to Madara. "Leader's a slave driver as usual. I almost feel sorry for Tobi. Then I remember how he wanted to turn me into a good girl and all that sympathy disappears."

"Aren't you the heartless bitch."

"I take that as a term of endearment."

Madara grinned. "Aw, aren't you just the cutest little heartless bitch that ever lived."

"Tobi thinks Dessie-Nunu and the Evil Porcupine should make up and be friends!"

I turned my head upwards and listened to the sound of shifting rocks for a moment. Then I turned back to Madara and smiled. I flipped him off and said, "He's right, Mada, we should be best friends forever!"

Madara returned the gesture and said, "Of course—we actually get along really well, we just were afraid to admit that we had potential."

I threw a rock at his head, which he dodged easily. I smiled and cried, "Tobi! Thank you, you just helped us realize how great we are together."

Madara chucked a rock back, which hit my knee. "We should go out drinking together some time and have lots of good laughs together at Leader's expense."

I tried to kick Madara in his weak spot, except Madara caught my leg. I glowered and him and said, "Everyone loves laughing at Leader's expense!"

Madara twisted my leg and I cringed in pain. He laughed. "And we'll even share our coffee in the morning!"

Somewhere above us Tobi clapped his hands excitedly. "Listen, Leader! They're getting along so well!"

Leader sighed. "Tobi, you do know they're trying to kill each other down there."

"Can't Leader hear Dessie-Nunu and Madara? They're getting along so well! They'll even share their coffee!"

"Shut up, slave. Dig."

"Leader should help Tobi dig!"

"Tobi, dig or I will personally see to it that you are forced to spend an entire night in the middle of the biggest city imaginable without your stupid mask!"

Tobi screamed. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will dig! Tobi will dig!"

I turned to Madara and grinned. "He's an idiot."

We were sitting opposite each other. My back pressed to the wall of debris, my legs stretched out in front of me. He was in the exact same position. Gods, we looked disgusting. Or, at least, Madara looked disgusting—I probably looked sexy even in worm vomit (I'm just that divine).

"You're not that sexy."

I blinked. "Did I say that aloud?"

"No. You just had that I'm-Too-Sexy-For-My-Own-Good-And-My-Clevage-Is-A-Gift-From-The-Gods look on your face."

"My cleavage is a gift from the gods. All women should bow before my superior cleavage and men should create statues in honor of the sisters."

Madara snorted. "Sorry to tell you, but, covered in worm vomit, not even your cleavage can look good."

"My cleavage is the hottest thing in the universe—even hotter than Itachi!" I paused and considered this. "Okay, maybe not hotter than Itachi—but pretty damned close!"

Madara eyed my breasts. "Meh."

"Did you just 'meh' my cleavage!?"

"Yep."

I threw a rock at his head.

Unfortunately, Madara dodged it with ease. So I threw another one. He dodged that too. And another one. He dodged that too. Another and another. He dodged both of them.

"Damn you!" I screamed, hurling two rocks at once. He dodged them both. "Why the fuck can't you just let one of the rocks hit you!?"

"Why would I do that?" asked Madara, completely calm and—if I might add—somewhat amused.

"Because it would make me feel better! I've been blown up twice today, thrown up by a worm, and now you just insulted my cleavage—take some sympathy on me!"

"Why does my insulting your cleavage fall on the same level as being blown up?"

"SHUT UP, YOU GODS DAMNED COFFEE-THIEVING NARCISSISTIC BASTARD OF A PORCUPINE WHO THINK HE'S SO GREAT THAT HE CAN COMPETE WITH ITACHI, BUT IN REALITY HE IS ONLY A POOR IMITATION OF HIS OWN DNA!"

The ceiling fell down.

Apparently, it couldn't withstand the full power of my voice. There was a tremor in the rocks and then the first one fell on my head. I cried out in pain just as the next one came down and then the one after that. And soon the whole ceiling came crashing down.

I screamed and threw myself forward. A hand grabbed my wrist and yanked me away from the falling rocks. By the time the dust and debris had cleared I found myself sitting on top of Madara—straddling him, more like. I had one leg on either side of him and my arms were wrapped tightly around his neck. Madara was still sitting upright, his legs pulled up as close as they could to me.

Slowly, I pulled back from Madara and stared at him. "Um… Hi?"

"You know, this situation would really be a turn on except we're both covered in worm vomit."

I looked around the air pocket to find a space to move off Madara. There was no room. The entire air pocket had collapsed except for the tiny cramped around where Madara sat with me on top of him (again, I suspect Madara had something to do with the ceiling not collapsing on top of us, but he's never admitted to it). So, basically, we were stuck there. The two of us. With me on top of Madara.

Could this get anymore awkward and worm vomity!?

"Well," said Madara. "At least we'll get real cozy in here."

"I'm not getting cozy with you anywhere, Porcupine!" I snapped. I tried to push away from him, but he held on to my wrist.

"Are you always this stupid or do only I bring this out in you?" asked Madara.

"Let me go!"

"You'll cause another cave in."

I opened my mouth to deny in, but—after a pause—I sighed in resignation. "Probably."

"At least you realize it—it'd be terrible if you were completely stupid."

"You're an asshole."

"Nice of you to realize it."

"No wonder Kate rejected you."

Madara glared at me. "I wasn't rejected—I just helped her realize who the man in her life was."

I grinned and slipped one hand out of his grasp to ruffle his obnoxious porcupine hair. "Don't worry, Mada—as your best friend forever, I have experience when dealing with assholes. So no matter what kind of assholish behavior you give me—I can handle it!"

"And what's your solution."

"Be a bigger bitch than you are an asshole."

"And how does that work?"

"I don't know, but it does."

"You do realize that is the stupidest solution I have ever heard."

"Why reject a tried and proved theory?"

"Because it makes no sense."

"Just go with it," I said. "Nothing in the Dale makes sense—and my theory about bitches and assholes makes more sense than anything else."

"True. If I have to make another Change A Light Bulb Tower, I will be taking heads."

"Can you put them on the spikes outside the walls of your evil fortress?"

"I don't have an evil fortress."

"Jashin damn it. How can you be an evil criminal mastermind and not have an evil fortress with dark clouds of foreboding circling over it? It's just not right. The world of evil has become too fucked up nowadays—when I am the Evil Immortal Overlord of the world, I will have my own fortress of evilness."

Madara snorted. "You're stupid."

"No, I'm bitchy. We've been over this."

"You had your chance at being the Evil Immortal Overlord and you gave it up thanks to Kate—now that's just sad."

"Shut up—she was crying!"

"She used eye drops."

My mouth formed a huge 'O'. "No way! Kate fooled me! Kate fooled me!?"

"Makes you feel stupid, doesn't it?"

"That bitch is going to pay," I said, pounding my fist into the palm of my other hand. "But I have to wait until she gives birth—it'd be bad to make her lose baby Felix."

Madara groaned. "There's going to be a homosexual baby with a bad mouth and a terrible personality running around the hideout."

"Just as long as Kate doesn't hire me as a babysitter, I'm good."

"What if you have kids one day?" asked Madara.

I let out a wild bark of laughter. "I pity the father."

"Poor Hidan."

"Not him. The father will be some random Hottie who I deem acceptable to pass on his genes to my perfect children who will one day help me rule the world. Then I will never see the Hottie again."

"Never see him again?"

"I don't need a man."

Madara blinked "Then why do you hunt Hotties all the time?"

"I like hot men," I said. "That doesn't mean I need to date one. I'm Desdemona Lee—I don't belong to anyone except myself. I'll chase down men and I'll claim them as my own, but they won't ever call me theirs."

"You have some commitment issues?"

"Arg! Shut up!" I raised my fist into the air and smirked. "What do you know about me? Nothing. You said I'd make a crappy evil overlord? Probably! But I will be a successfully crappy evil overlord! If my people dare rebel—I will crush them without mercy! I may not depend on any man—but I'll have kids but all the Hottie I want. And I'll make my beautiful kids into my loyal followers—we will be a close family, a family that never betrays one another. And together my beautiful kids and I will rule the universe for eternity! We will rule with iron fists, obliterating anyone who stands in our way. We will be immortal and all will bow before us, terrified before our awesome power!" I tipped my head back and laughed like the lunatic I am.

Madara sat beneath me, staring up at me while, covered in worm puke, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

"You might not make a half bad evil overlord one day," said Madara thoughtfully. "After a little training."

"I don't need training!" I snapped.

"Whatever you say. I'll make sure to put on your gravestone 'She should have listened to Madara'."

"I will never think that as long as I live."

Madara reached out a hand and ruffled my hair as I had done to him earlier. "That's what you think, Little Miss Evil Overlord." He grinned.

And that, boys and girls, is the first time I ever thought a man could be cute. I'm not kidding. Usually men fall into two categories: Ugly or Hot. Occasionally there is the in between category which I guess could be called 'Friend', but this was the first and the last time I would ever find the fourth category—'Cute'. And gods damn it—why did the person who fit into that category have to be an evil Porcupine!?

"So have you finally fallen for me?" asked Madara.

"What?"

"You had that Wow-He's-Really-Attractive-Maybe-I-Should-Hug-Him-To-Death look on your face."

"Like hell I would ever think that about you."

"You just did."

I drew back my fist and prepared to punch him in the face, but he caught my fist and pushed it away easily.

"Damn," I said. "It's hard to beat someone up in an enclosed space."

"Either that or you just can't beat me up."

"Definitely the first one."

"Don't feel bad. I'm one of the most powerful shinobi of all time."

"Yeah, but not the most powerful."

"What?"

I grinned maliciously. "You're powerful, but not the most powerful. Must be sad—at the top, but never the very top. For eternity."

"I should kill you."

"Maybe you can't."

"No, I can."

I opened my mouth to respond when a pile of debris fell onto my face. I cough and rubbed the dirt from my eyes. Looking up, I saw the orange-swirl mask of Tobi.

He giggled excitedly and reached a hand towards me. "Dessie-Nunu! Dessie-Nunu! Tobi has come to save you!"

I grinned at Madara and caught Tobi's hand. "See you up top, Porcupine!"

Tobi pulled me up through the hole and back into the tunnel, which for the most part was still intact. Leader waited there, his arms folded and a bored expression across his face.

"You free?" he asked. "You two didn't kill each other?"

"No. We survived."

"It looks like you tried."

At first, I was confused. Then I touched my forehead, which was sticky with blood and shrugged. "Oh. A rock did this to me."

"Must have been a big rock."

"A brain crusher. My head has been abused so much today!"

Tobi hauled Madara out of the hole and he stood up, trying to wipe some of the foul smell slime from his wild hair.

"Give up," I said. "I tried multiple times."

"You two smell terrible," said Leader. He turned around and started walking back down the tunnel. Tobi was about to give me a hug, but one whiff of the smell of worm vomit and Tobi went scuttling after Leader.

"It's great Tobi repellent," I said to Madara. "Maybe I should Eau de Worm more often."

"You'll never get any Hotties that way," said Madara, walking after Leader and Tobi.

"Stay far away!" shouted Leader over his shoulder. "If I have to smell that shit I would personally bathe you both in so much perfume you won't be able the breathe properly for a month!"

"Charming man,' I muttered.

Madara grinned (What is this? Why do I keep thinking he's cute!? Go away bringing of bad thoughts! Away! Away!). I probably would have ran away from Madara right then and there if I hadn't been interrupted by the sound of new voices.

"Do we have to go?"

"Akeldama will skin you alive and make your hide into a throw rug if you don't."

"Don't say it like that. Can't we skip and say we went?"

"They'll find out."

"Fuck! Kesi has you whipped."

Leader and Tobi had stopped up ahead. Madara and I joined them and stared down the tunnel at the two approaching figures. One was tall with dark, blood red hair and bright black eyes. The other was slightly shorter with broad shoulders and vividly white hair. The two men were walking down the tunnel, completely at ease with the violent and dark surrounding. Then, the red haired man caught sight of us and stopped. He tilted his head to the side and grinned wickedly, "Well, well, what do we have here? What do you think? Should we kill them?"

"Only if you think you'd make a handsome throw rug."

"Who are you?" demanded Leader.

"Really?" asked the red-haired man. "You haven't heard of us? Are you stupid?"

The white-haired man laughed. "They're humans. Live ones at that."

"Who are you?" repeated Leader darkly.

They grinned. "We're the infamous bloodthirsty duo—Jashin and Warg."


	41. An Akatsuki Party

**Chapter Forty-One: An Akatsuki Party**

**Kate**

Why must the Akatsuki be filled with meanies? (Except Kisame, he's wonderfully nice), But the rest of them – they take mean to a whole new level. Remember how Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan left me to kill perverted zombie gods on my own – well it was terrible! Firstly, there was about fifty of them. I can't kill fifty zombies on my own! They're scary! And all they wanted to do is grope my pregnancy-enhance breasts! I feel violated in so many ways! And those zombies don't listen to threats of "My giant shark boyfriend is going to kill you all when he finds out!" I guess zombies wouldn't care about those things since the zombies are already dead. But you'd think they'd at least have some consideration for a pregnant woman. Apparently not.

So, since I'm getting way off topic here, I was fighting zombies for about three hours. Baby Felix wasn't happy about this. He was kicking like crazy. Hidan thinks it's because Baby Felix wants to kill the zombies too. Kakuzu thinks it's because Baby Felix can see how pathetic I am at killing things and wants to show me how it's done. Is it sad that I prefer Hidan's explanation?

Eventually, however, I did manage to kill all fifty zombies and send them back to their graves to rise again in a day or so. Then, Todo sent us back to Aram's mansion – which was currently under construction by Weren, the god of architecture, who owed Aram a favor. Aram was overseeing the work when we appear in his foyer.

"It's looking better," said Sasori, watching as Weren sealed up one of the holes in the living room floor.

"Has your wife killed you yet?" asked Hidan eagerly.

Aram scowled. "She came home, threatened to rip my balls off and sew them on herself so that she can be the man of the household and I can be the wife."

Hidan snickered.

"I like your wife more and more," said Kakuzu.

"How were the zombies?" muttered Aram.

"I don't know," said Hidan airily. "Why don't you ask _Kate_?"

I glared. "Mention those creep again and I will set Nerissa on you."

"That is one serious threat," said Aram. "You do not want Nerissa on you." He paused and then grinned. "Well, you might want Nerissa on you, but she can't do anything while she's on you – with the whole goddess of chastity thing going on. But you can imagine her on you. Actually, _you_ can't imagine her on you – only I can do that. If you imagine such things, I will rip your imagination right out of your skull." Aram paused. "What were we talking about again?"

I stared at him blankly. "I completely forgot."

"I'm really not interesting in Nerissa that way," said Sasori.

"You know you are – even if you're denying it," said Aram. "Nerissa is a very attractive goddess."

"Why are we even talking about this?" asked Kakuzu.

"Because," said Aram. "I am trying to make you appreciate my wife's highly attractive body. Have you not seen her perky boobs?"

"What about my perky boobs?"

We all turned to see Nerissa, in all her splendidness, walking down the stairs. A smile flashed across her pretty face when she caught sight of me. "How's the baby, Kate?"

"Good," I said. "He's kicking."

"How far along are you now?"

"Four or five months, I think. It's hard to tell."

Aram nodded. "Time moves differently in the Dale."

"No one cares what you have to say, you House Destroying Asshole." Nerissa ignored Aram and joined the rest of us in the conversation. "So Kisame is going to be the daddy?"

"Technically there isn't one…"

Nerissa smiled. "Just because there isn't one doesn't mean there can't be one."

"That made no sense at all," said Hidan.

"You can shut up too," said Nerissa. "You're incapable of profound thought."

"That was hardly profound," muttered Sasori. Nerissa flipped him off.

"You know what would be a good idea," said Aram loudly.

"No one cares," said Nerissa.

Aram smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder and smiled. "Come on, my little prude. You can't stay mad at me forever."

"No, but I can make your life hell forever."

"I know what will cheer you up," said Aram.

"Sex?" asked Nerissa. "Because we all know how that goes down."

"Yes, yes," said Aram. "We all know you're even more sarmassophobic than Hannah."

"What's going to cheer her up?" I asked curiously.

Aram grinned. "I'm glad you asked, Kate!" (Insert eye roll from Nerissa here). "It is a time old tradition that outlasts memory itself – the ultimate way of finding happiness – the no –fail method of forgetting your worries – it's called… _drowning yourself in alcohol_."

"Hell yeah," said Hidan. "Bring out the liquor!"

I scowled.

Aram snuggled closer to Nerissa. "Pretty good idea, huh?" He turned to me. "I know Kate likes it."

I scowled.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant."

"So?"

"You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant!"

Nerissa kicked Aram in the groin for good measure. She stepped away from her husband and grabbed me by the wrist. "Since neither of us wants to drink with _you_, we're going to our own party – one where things really get hopping." She stepped forward. "Aram! Make us a portal!"

"Wait – what!" I cried.

"Come on," said Aram. "We'll have fun."

"Make me a portal!"

Aram cringed. "Okay, okay, okay – don't eat me!"

A red portal appeared in the middle of the foyer and before I could protest, Nerissa dragged me inside along with her. There was a flash of red light and Aram's mansion disappeared. Nerissa alone knew where we were headed.

* * *

Note to self: Don't ever let Nerissa take you to one of her friend's parties.

The Location: Home of Ala, the goddess of patience, and her husband Ban, the god of short fuses.

The Attendees: Jova the goddess of temperance, Eregrene the goddess of charity, Dirina the goddess of diligence, Ala the goddess of patience, Gine the goddess of kindness, Plana the goddess of humility, Nerissa the goddess of chastity, and Kate. (I seem to be lacking a title).

The Food and Drink: Tea and biscuits and a light salad.

The Conversation:

Jova: I'm not sure if I should finish all of my salad.

Eregrene: I'll finish it for you.

Jova: Why thank you.

Dirina: Please don't drop any food on the table.

Gine: We'll be sure not to, dear. And if not, we'll clean any mess we make.

Plana: I'll probably be the first one to drop food on the table.

Gine: You'll be fine, dear.

Ala: Eregrene, don't eat so quickly.

Nerissa: I'm not having sex.

Everyone turns to stare at Nerissa.

Nerissa (shrugs): Everyone else was showing off their virtues, I thought I should throw mine in there too.

Kate: At least you have a virtue to show off. My only virtue is that I'm pregnant.

Nerissa: Well, you're showing it off very well.

The Assessment: The most boring party I have ever been too!

Jova spent the whole party (tea party is the actual term) wondering if she should finish her tea or her biscuit or should she have another one. Plana kept putting herself down and being so humble about everything. Eregrene kept trying to give her biscuits away. Dirina was very careful not to get any crumbs on the table and was petrified someone else was going to make a mess. Ala spoke ridiculously slow and smile sweetly whenever anyone made a mistake (she did rag on about the mistake endlessly and torment people with their faults). Gine just complimented everyone endlessly – "Nerissa, I like your shirt!" "Jova, I love those shoes!" "Ala, where did you get that necklace?" "Dirina, introduce me to your hairdresser!" "Kate, um… nice baby."

And Nerissa abstained from sex the whole time. But I guess no one was really concerned about that.

"So how is your baby?" asked Gine. "Have you thought of a name?"

"He was made with a name," I said, patting my stomach fondly.

"Made?" repeated Dirina stiffly.

"She was cursed by a crazy goddess," said Nerissa.

"Oh." Jova smiled. "So there is no father. That's good. Abstinence before marriage is best."

"O-Of course…" I said, trailing off at the end.

"Oh, she's not abstinent," said Nerissa. "According to Dessie, Kate and Kisame go at it like bunnies… Kinky bunnies."

I sighed. "Don't listen to everything Dessie tells you."

"But she says such interesting things."

Jova and Ala were watching me suspiciously. Apparently they didn't approve of bunnies.

"So," said Gine, trying to keep the conversation in safe waters. "What's the baby's name?"

"Felix."

"That's a nice name!" cried Eregrene. "How'd you come up with it?"

"My boyfriend has always liked it…"

"It was the name of her split personality before Yola made her pregnant with him," said Nerissa (un)helpfully. "And now the Akatsuki is going to have a little gay baby running around."

_That_ was not going to go over well.

"Split personality…"

"Gay baby…"

"Yola!?"

All six goddesses shuddered in unison at the thought of the hellish Yola. Since I am, um, not very nice when I'm pregnant, I can understand why Yola is so scary all the time. It's not her fault! Though she did impregnate me with Felix, so I guess you can fear her all you want – no sympathy from pregnant Kate!

By the time my internal monologue had ended, the goddesses had drifted back to more appropriate conversation topics. Nerissa was still regarding me with a permanent grin across her pretty face.

"Did you really have to tell them all that?" I asked. "Have you not heard of little white lies?"

"But we needed something to liven the party up," said Nerissa. "I forgot how prudish all these girls are."

"You're the biggest, um, prude of them all though."

Nerissa groaned. "Don't remind me."

I sighed and glanced around the table as the other goddesses discussed what color their curtains were.

"Sorry," said Nerissa. "I was mad at Aram. I received an invitation and usually I refuse, but I was so pissed at Aram…"

I nodded understandingly. "I have never been to a more boring party. Why has no one died yet?"

Nerissa laughed. "Do people normally die at your parties?"

"Either that or they're severely injured."

Glancing side to side, Nerissa leaned forward and whispered, "I know how to make this the best party ever."

"Is that possible?" I asked.

Nerissa leapt to her feet and cried, "Gine! How dare you call Plana self-absorbed and arrogant!"

"What?" asked Gine. "I did no such thing?"

Plana looked close to tears. "Gine… I thought we were friends."

"I said no such thing!" cried Gine.

"Oh, don't kid yourself," said Eregrene. "We all know that kindness act is just a joke."

"And don't act the victim here, Plana," snapped Ala. "You're so self-absorbed. I'm so bad at this! I'm so bad at that! It's all that ever comes out of your mouth – could you shut up about yourself for two seconds? I can't stand another second of you!"

"It looks like someone's _patience_ has run out," muttered Dirina.

"Shut up, you slob – we've all seen the state your bathroom is in – you call that diligence?" Ala glared.

"Ever heard of anger management classes?" asked Dirina.

Ala grabbed Dirina by the hair and slammed the poor goddess's face onto the table top. The table snapped into two and the tea, biscuits, and plates went crashing to the floor. Ala released Dirina and the goddess fell to the floor, blood dripping from her forehead.

"Don't fuck with me, bitch!" cried Ala.

Jova started stuffing her face with the biscuits scattering on the floor (apparently she has a nervous eating disorder).

"What have you don't to Dirina!?" cried Eregrene in horror.

"Oh shut it, prude," said Ala. "We all know you were secretly envious of her every move."

"I was not!"

"You were too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!'

"Too!

Eregrene slapped Ala.

Ala slapped Eregrene back.

Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap.

I turned to stare at Nerissa with a little awe and horror. "No wonder you're married to Aram."

"Within every virtue there is a deadly sin to match it," said Nerissa serenely.

"And what's yours?"

She grinned demonically. "Inside, I'm a sexual demon."

Then, she grabbed me by the wrist and marched me across the room. There was a flash of red light and we left the six goddesses ripping each other's eyes out, tear each other's faces open, wrenching each other's hair out, and all around beating each other to death.

Now _that's_ what we Akatsuki call a party.

* * *

"Where's Aram?" asked Sasori.

"He's role playing a bunny," I said, leaning back in the sofa of Aram's newly renovated living room.

"Does he have a costume?" asked Hidan.

"Why?" asked Sasori. "You want to wear it?"

"Spare me that mental image," said Kakuzu.

"I wasn't imagining it until you said it."

Hidan paused to consider. "You know, I would look damn sexy in a bunny suit."

"So how was your drinking party?" I asked.

"Hidan's talking about wearing a bunny costume," said Kakuzu. "Does that tell you how drunk we are?"

"You must have gotten pretty hammered," said Hidan. "You came back and threw up in the potted plant."

I sighed. "Firstly, I can't drink. Secondly, I'm pregnant. Pregnant women tend to throw up. A lot."

"We've noticed," said Kakuzu.

Before I could come up with an appropriate response, there was a small _pop_ and a small, blue gnome appeared in front of us.

"Squisher," said Hidan, the dislike soaking his tone.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Squisher. "I hate you too. That's not the point. You have a new task request."

"Not another one," groaned Sasori.

"Can't we take a break?" I asked.

Squisher scowled. "Didn't the Great and Mighty Four explain this to you? If you ignore one task, you'll lose the vote of that god and Hannah can never come back to life. Go."

"I hate you even more," said Hidan. "When this is all over, I am sacrificing you to Jashin-sama."

"Four won't like it."

"Aram likes us better than he likes you," said Hidan.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," said Squisher.

"At the very least," said Sasori. "Aram likes Dessie more than he likes you."

Squisher opened his mouth to reply and then stopped. "Anyways, you have a task."

"What is it?" asked Kakuzu irritably.

Squisher smiled. "You have to eat a giant ice cream and cone without letting any of the ice cream drip onto the ground otherwise the giant lava pool will explode and consume you all in deathly flames – unless you manage to complete the obstacle course of obstacles courses before the god's pet monkey can run in circles fast enough to create enough energy to power the giant lava pool."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated. I was not dead, contrary to popular rumor. I simply have priorities, unfortunately. First, I had six books to read for school and I hadn't started any of them two weeks before school started. Then, school was overloading. I have to start applying for colleges. I have a job. I do Creative Writing classes after school. My life is BUSY. So, now, I found time to sit down and write. I'm going to regret this decision.**

**The good news is CRIMINALLY INSANE JUST GOT MORE LEGAL HAS REACHED OVER 3,000 REVIEWS! LOVE YOU ALL WHO REVIEWED! **

**Also, go check out the fanart. links on my profile or in my favorites section on deviantart. **

**Now, review, or the next chapter will really be R.I.P. **


	42. The Abominable Snowman

**Chapter Forty-Two: The Abominable Snowman**

**Hannah**

Let me see… Where were we? Oh yeah. Deronde, the crazy naked god with a gun, left us on top of a mountain and told us to go find his friend Erre as a task. Well, Konan, Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, Zetsu, and I searched the mountain for hours – maybe even days, it's hard to tell. Through the ravenous snow and blistering winds – we wandered. And then – we found _the abominable snowman_. (Yeah… Unfortunately, I'm not kidding here.)

Kisame stepped forward nervously, the mountain winds rustling his dark blue hair. "Um, hi," said Kisame awkwardly. "We come in peace."

"That's what you got?" asked Konan.

The abominable snowman, his shadowed figure blurred from the blizzard snows, leaned forward on his haunches and lumbered closer.

"What else can I say?"

"He's not going to listen to _that_." Konan rolled her eyes.

"It's a freak of nature thing!" cried Kisame. "Jeez – don't judge what you can't understand!"

"Are we really debating this?" I asked.

The shadow of the abominable snowman drew closer, his yellow eyes glowing through the silver clouds.

"Hn." (I think that translates as – _Guys the abominable snowman thing is coming closer and he's going to bite all our heads off and drink out internal fluids before sinking his sharp teeth into a flesh and ripping our meat away from our bones and then sucking the marrow out of our bones and make soup from it. So it might be a good idea for us to run right now!_ – Except Itachi said it while looking like a badass).

"I can't help it that I'm not a freak of nature," said Konan.

"Well that's your loss, isn't it?" snapped Konan.

The abominable snowman tipped his head towards the sky and let out a fearsome roar.

Kisame screamed.

We all turned and fled down the mountainside.

An observation – it is a lot easier to run down a mountain than it is to run up it. Unfortunately, running down a mountain means that eventually we're going to have to go back up it again. Damn you, abominable snowman!

"Hannah!" cried Kisame, speeding past me. "Run faster!"

"Go to hell!" I cried, sprinting as fast as I could (which wasn't fast enough).

"We can give Hannah a piggyback ride if she gets inside out Venus flytrap," said Zetsu.

"For the last time, I am _never_ getting inside your Venus flytrap – that just sounds wrong!"

Zetsu looked disappointed. In case he forgot – we were currently _running for our lives from the abominable snowman_ – it's not the time for him to hit on me!

Deidara leapt onto the back of one of his birds and soared above us, completely out of reach of the abominable snowman. Itachi fled like a badass. Kisame was sprinting desperately down the mountainside, screaming at the top of his lungs and with his arms flailing everywhere. I think he was screaming something along the lines of "Oh my fucking God-Jashin-Warg-Pain-Four-Squisher-Nerissa-The-Great-Plant-King-Zetsu-And-Momentarily-Myself! Someone save me! I don't want to die like this! Not like this! I don't want to be killed by a mythical creature!"

"Obviously he's not mythical since he's chasing us down the mountain!" cried Konan, racing after Kisame.

"No one's going to believe this!" wailed Kisame, kicking snow up behind him.

Konan brushed the snow from Kisame's heels out of his face and flipped him off. "You run like a chicken!"

"I run like a shark," snapped Kisame.

"Which means you can't run at all," said Zetsu.

"Okay," said Kisame. "I run like a shark swims."

"Have you forgotten we're being chased by the abominable snowman?" I asked. "There are more pressing matters than how well Kisame runs!"

"My ability to run is very important," said Kisame.

"No one cares!" I snapped.

"Run faster," said Deidara eagerly. "He's gaining on you!"

My legs pumping as fast as they could, I glowered up at Deidara and cried, "Give me a ride!"

"How about 'no'?" asked Deidara.

"Stupid Blond Furball!"

"Now I'm really not going to give you a ride, uhn."

I would have come up with some great come back – I swear I would have – but at that very moment, the abominable snowman lunged at me and grabbed me by the waist. Alright, I admit it. I screamed at the top of my lungs as the snowman lifted me onto the air. I screamed like a little girl. But, come one, anyone would have screamed when the abominable snowman lifted her to eye level and stared at her through his white eyes.

"Don't eat me!" I wailed while simultaneously trying to poke the abominable snowman's eyes out. I don't think that made him like me, because he drew me away from his face and shook me violently. I screamed even louder.

"Hannah, uhn!"

"Deidara! You Blond Fur Ball Idiot! Save me!"

Surprisingly enough Deidara _did_ try and save me. Except the abominable snowman batted Deidara away as if he was made of feathers. Deidara and his clay bird went flying down the mountain and out of sight. I clung to the abominable snowman's hand in the hope that he wouldn't decide to throw me too.

"Hannah?"

I stopped struggling and opened my eyes. The abominable snowman was staring at me pensively. His white eyes blinked. Then, in a deep, throaty voice, he said again, "Hannah?"

"How do you know me?" I asked, trying not to squeak (I can't help it! Giant abominable things scare me!).

"Deronde told me you'd be here!" said the abominable snowman cheerfully.

I blinked. "Erre?"

The abominable snowman nodded eagerly. "I'm so happy to meet you, Hannah! Deronde said my new friends would be really exciting! I can tell we're going to have lots of fun!"

I nodded mutely.

"Hello!" cried Erre, waving to Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, and Konan excitedly. "I'm Erre, the keeper of these mountains!"

Kisame's jaw dropped to somewhere around snow level. "Why were you chasing us down the mountainside!?"

"Because I wanted to play with you!" cried Erre excitedly. "We're going to have so much fun! Games! Games! Games!"

I mouthed something that resembled 'help' in Konan's direction.

"Hn," said Itachi.

Kisame turned to scowl at Itachi. "I'm not saying _that_ to the abominable snowman."

"Hn."

"Only if you want us to die."

"Hn."

"You're impossible," said Kisame firmly.

"So you're Erre," said Konan, stepping forward. She glanced at me and then said, nervously, "Could you, um, put Hannah down. I don't think she likes being held."

Erre paused and inspected me carefully. Then, he lifted me up and plopped me down on his shoulder. He put Konan on his other shoulder and said eagerly, "Come, pretty girls. We shall go to Erre's cave and he shall make you Hot Chocolate."

"Hot Chocolate?" I asked eagerly.

"What about Deidara?" asked Konan, glancing over her shoulder down the mountain.

As if on cue, the Blond Fur Ball came trudging up the mountain, his mass of blond hair a complete wreck and his face bright red from the cold. "Hannah!" cried Deidara in exhaustion. "I'll… Save… You…"

"Too late, Blondikins," said Kisame, wrapping one arm around Deidara's shoulders. "The abominable snowman is Erre. He's taking us back to his cave for Hot Chocolate."

"What!?" cried Deidara, straightening up. "Are you sure he's telling the truth? He did try and kill me! What if he's only saying these things to lure us back into his cave so he can eat us at his own leisure, uhn!?"

"I'm pretty sure if he wanted to eat us, he would have already," said Itachi. "OR he would have eaten you. I don't think he could eat me."

"I liked you better when you only said 'hn', uhn," said Deidara.

Erre led the way up the mountain with Konan and I perched on each of his shoulders. Now, I have to admit he was extremely fluffy. His white fur was soft and comfortable. If I wasn't terrified of falling off and getting trampled, I would have buried my face in his fur and fell deeply asleep… I don't recall how long we marched for, but eventually, Erre took us into his cave, which was hidden in the snowy mountainside. However, the moment we entered the cave, we could sense the difference. There was a fire roaring in the middle of the cave with a comfortable gigantic feather bed in the far corner and a giant table next to a fridge and a kitchen counter. The cave seemed almost like a house on the inside, not the home of a wild and abominable snowman.

"Sit! Sit!" cried Erre, plopping Konan and me around the roaring fireplace as he bustled off to the kitchen.

Kisame, Zetsu, and Deidara entered the cave a little while later, all of them looking exhausted and weary from the endless journey up the ridiculously steep side of the mountain. Only Itachi seemed unaffect, but that was because he was Itachi. The other men collapsed next to Konan and me and stared defrosting their feet with the heat from the fire.

"I don't like him, uhn," announced Deidara.

"Can we eat him?" asked Zetsu.

"Help yourself," said Deidara.

Kisame paused to consider this. "Would he taste good?"

"Maybe he's taste like a fleshy popsicle," said Konan thoughtfully.

"That's disgusting," I said.

"Hn." Itachi agreed with me.

"So," said Konan slowly. "How long are we going to stay here?"

"He's making us Hot Chocolate," I said.

"I want to see Kate," said Kisame.

"Yes, yes," said Konan. "We all have people we miss."

Kisame coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "Leader". I suspected it was "Leader" even more when Konan threatened to give Kisame an annoying paper cut so deep that would never disappear for the rest of his miserable fishy life.

"But the Hot Chocolate," I said.

"We should stay for the Hot Chocolate," said Zetsu, picking up on my not-very-subtle hints.

"Alright," said Konan. "We'll have the Hot Chocolate and _then_ we'll head back to Aram's house."

I leaned back and let the fire warm my icy toes. Erre was humming loudly as he made some delicious Hot Chocolate. At first, I didn't recognize what he was humming, but then it struck me that it was the Bare Necessities from the Jungle Book (who would have thought the abominable snowman was a Disney Fan). Deidara certainly was a fellow Disney fan, because he started humming the tune to I'll Make A Man Out Of You – soon Erre and Deidara were engaged in a full out Disney Song Showdown, which ended when Zetsu interrupted with Supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious (which wins by default).

"You all suck," said Kisame. "The best Disney song is the Lion King's Circle of Life."

"What?" asked Konan. "You're not going to say Under The Sea or something stupid like that?"

Kisame smirked. "What? Because I'm half-shark. No. Under The Sea is a great song, but the Circle of Life is amazing. In fact, the Lion King is just an amazing movie."

"Best Disney movie made," I added.

"What!?" cried Erre. "The Jungle Book is the best Disney movie ever made.

"Lion King," I said flatly. "Just Can't Wait To Be King."

"That's a great song," said Kisame. "And Be Prepared."

"Are you kidding me?" asked Konan. "Mulan wins."

"I second that," said Deidara. "A girl who dresses as a man to protect her father and defend her family honor but falls in love along the way – what's not to love. It's an emotional masterpiece, uhn!"

I snorted. "Right…"

"It's Dessie's favorite movie too," said Konan.

"We have Dessie on our side, uhn," said Deidara. "We automatically win."

"That makes no sense," I said.

"You people are all insane," said Erre. "The Jungle Book wins. It has singing monkeys! _Singing monkeys_!"

"We like Beauty and the Beast," said Zetsu.

'That's Kate's favorite too," said Kisame. He paused and considered. "I wonder why…"

(Yes, I feel the need to facepalm here too).

"The Hot Chocolate is done," said Erre. He held a tray of mugs high above his head and grinned. "But only those who admit that the Jungle Book is the best Disney movie of all time can have some."

"Like hell," said Kisame, crossing his arms.

"The Jungle Book is the best Disney movie of all time," I said. "Now give me the Hot Chocolate."

"Hannah!" cried Kisame. "You are a traitor to the Lion King!"

"It's Hot Chocolate," I said as Erre handed me a mug. "Hot Chocolate wins every time." I took a sip to the steaming brown liquid and sighed. "Not too sweet."

"I like it bitter," said Erre.

I beamed up at him. "Me too." I turned back to Konan. "Do we really have to leave so soon? I like this place. It has Hot Chocolate."

"Aren't you the one who's dead?" asked Konan. "Don't you want to return to life soon?"

"Well," I said. "Now that I've run into you, it means that you're probably going to screw this up in some way and I'll be forced to go back to the Underworld with that _idiot_." I rolled my eyes. "So I'll take my time."

"She has a point, uhn," said Deidara. He glanced forlornly at the Hot Chocolate. "If I say The Jungle Book is the second best Disney Movie of all time, can I have some?"

Erre shrugged. "Sure." And handed Deidara a mug.

"The Little Mermaid is the second best Disney movie," said Kisame firmly. "Followed by Aladdin."

"You're too stubborn for your own good," said Konan.

"I haven't seen you admit anything."

"I'm willing to admit the Jungle Book is second best," said Konan, accepting her Hot Chocolate.

"Damn you!" cried Kisame. "You weak minded people! Zetsu and Itachi will never betray me!"

Zetsu glanced up from his mug of Hot Chocolate. "What?"

"Damn you!" Kisame flung his arms around Itachi's neck. "You'll never betray me, partner."

"Hn."

"I don't think Itachi cares about Disney movies or Hot Chocolate," said Konan.

"Hn."

"Don't kid me," said Kisame. "I know for a fact, Itachi's favorite Disney movie is the Aristocats."

We all turned to stare at Itachi in surprise.

"I never would have pegged you for a cat person," I said.

"I can see it now that I know," said Konan. "Itachi would be the crazy cat neighbor."

Itachi glared at Kisame.

"Don't worry," said Kisame. "You manage to make cute little kittens look badass."

"Just for that," said Itachi. "I'll admit the Jungle Book is the second best Disney movie."

Erre grinned in triumph and handed Itachi a mug of Hot Chocolate. Then. he turned to Kisame and said, "I guess you just can't compete with the awesomeness of the Jungle Book."

"Shut up," said Kisame. "You cheated."

I finished my Hot Chocolate and handed the mug back to Erre. "Can I have the stubborn Fish Fry;s mug as well?" I asked.

"Of course you can, Sweetie," said Erre, handing me another mug of delicious Hot Chocolate. "Can I have the recipe for this?"

"It's a secret," said Erre excitedly.

"No more," said Konan, finishing her own mug. "We need to go back."

"Are you sure you can't teach me?" I asked.

"Why do you have to leave?" asked Erre in surprise.

Konan frowned and set her Hot Chocolate mug aside. "We need to get back to the Dale. The other Akatsuki members are waiting for us."

"We don't have to if you agree to give me the recipe," I added.

"You can't leave!" cried Erre.

"Sorry," said Konan. "We thank you for your hospitality, but we have to go." She got to her feet and made towards the door, but Erre grabbed her by the shoulder and roughly forced her to sit down.

"You're not allowed to go." Erre's white eyes were narrowed with rage.

Itachi was gazing at Erre suspiciously. Then, he said, "Why did Deronde tell you to find us?"

Erre tore his eyes from Konan and turned to face Itachi with a warm smile. "I get lonely up on this mountain by myself, so Deronde brings me fun people to play with." He frowned. "But eventually all the fun people break and Deronde has to bring me new people to play with. He told me 'Hannah and her friends' were going to be a lot of fun to play with. And so far you have been!" Erre clapped his hands excitedly. "We have to pack as much fun in as we can before you reach your expiration dates!"

…

Konan: We have places to go! People to see! I can't be stuck here forever! I will give you the worst fucking paper cut of your life!

Kisame: KATE! I need to see Kate! My pregnant girlfriend can't survive without me! Do you _know_ what kind of weird cravings she gets? No one can satisfy those cravings except for me!

Zetsu: Who are we going to eat? We'll have to start with Deidara! We'll be coughing up Fur Balls for weeks! All this worrying is making us hungry!

Deidara: Zetsu! Get off of me! Ow! I don't taste good! I don't taste good! I don't taste good! AH! Not there! Not there! That's tender!

I sipped my Hot Chocolate. "So, are you going to tell me the secret recipe yet, or do I have to keep begging?"

Erre clapping his hands excitedly and giggled. "I guess I could show you…"

I got to my feet and followed him to the kitchen. Hey, if I'm going to be stuck in a cave with an crazy abominable snowman, I might as well learn something from it.

* * *

**A/N: Just to make this clear. The Best Disney Movie Of All Time: The Lion King. The Best Disney Princess Movie Of All Time: Mulan. There is no debate.**

**Let me see, I promise you, I will update at least once a week if nothing else. Dessie's chapter is next, I have no idea when I will manage to update it. A hurricane/tropical storm is coming and we might have to evacuation. Good times... **

**REVIEW OR THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN WON'T LET YOU HAVE ANY OF HIS SUPER AWESOMELY DELICIOUS HOT CHOCOATE!**


	43. WABAA

**Chapter Forty-Three: WABAA**

**Dessie**

"OHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMY FUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCK OHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMY FUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCK OHMYFUCKOHMYFUCKOHMYFUCK!"

"Careful," said Madara. "You're drooling."

"Well, that's a bit of a strong reaction," said Warg, scratching the back of his head.

I giggled delightedly. "Hidan's going to be so pissed off that he missed this!"

The six of us stood in the dark tunnels. I stood between Madara and Leader, jumping up and down excitedly like a school girl who just got winked at by her favorite singer at a pop concert (of course, fifty other girls thought the same thing). Leader was to my right, fighting the urge to face palm, while Tobi was inspecting the gods to make sure they were real. Madara stood on my right and was trying to hold me down – but my jumping for joy could not be stopped! Feel the joy! Jashin and Warg just seemed confused by the whole situation.

Then, suddenly, Jashin tipped back his head and let out a deep, echoing laugh. "Aw fuck, man. I know these people."

"Yeah, yeah," said Warg. "Now that you mention it, I do too."

"You do!?" I cried. "Really?"

"Yep." Jashin grinned proudly. "You're the religion whore."

I stopped giggling and stared at Jashin, my jaw somewhere at floor level. Madara snickered, while Warg smiled with slight amusement. Jashin crossed his arms and seemed quite pleased with himself.

Then, I started laughing. "Religion whore? It's so true!" I grinned. "I can't help it. I'm like a religious chameleon. I wear whatever religion suits me best at the time – and you want to know what the best part is? I wear religion fucking well."

Madara rolled his eyes. "Only you would be complimented when you're called a religion whore."

"Religion makes me sexy," I said firmly.

Leader sighed. "Have you ever met such a self-deluded person?"

"Yeah," said Warg. "I hang out with Jashin."

Jashin raised his middle finger in Warg's direction. "You're just jealous that I'm a better god than you are."

"Count the followers," said Warg. "Guess who has a higher number."

"Mine are higher quality!"

"Like I said, most self-deluded person ever."

"Tobi is confused."

We all turned to see the masked man, his one visible eye in a permanent frown.

"What is it, Tobi?" asked Leader exasperatedly.

"Why are Jashin and Warg friends?" asked Tobi.

Leader blinked. "That's actually a good question. Why is Tobi asking a good question?" Leader looked around, hoping someone could answer.

In any other situation, I would have acted shocked and mortified that Tobi was capable of asking a good question. However, right then I was too absorbed in the two gods standing before me. They were _hot_. That was the most important thing. Imagine if I'd found out that the two most important gods in my life were actually ugly!? I would never be able to live that down! I worshipped ugly people! Wah! But that doesn't matter now, because – guess what – they're _hot_!

I giggled.

"What are you so happy about?" asked Madara wearily.

"I just met Jashin and Warg," I said, grinning from ear to ear. I paused and then added, "Can I have an autograph?"

"No," said Warg.

"Of course," said Jashin. "Who would not want an autograph from an awe-inspiring god like me?"

"You're an idiot," said Warg.

I started rummaging through my pockets searching for pen and paper.

"So why are you in the tunnels?" asked Leader.

"We're on our way to our WABAA meeting," said Warg.

"They have coffee," said Jashin eagerly. "And really good cookies. The cookies are everything."

"Cookies? Tobi wants cookies!"

"What's WABAA?" asked Leader.

Jashin yawned. "War and Blood Addicts Anonymous."

"Our wives make us go," said Wag with a melancholy sigh.

"Your _wives_?" asked Madara.

My jaw dropped to somewhere around floor level. How should I describe that feeling? It was like… um… Christmas, Easter and Halloween were canceled all at once, summer vacation was banned, and all the Hotties in the world suddenly combusted at once. _How was this possible_!?

"Why are you going to a War and Blood Addicts Anonymous meeting!?" I cried. "You're the gods of violence and evil things – how can you want to reform your terrible ways!? Your terrible ways are what make you so awesome! How could your wives do this to you!? How could they!?"

Warg yawned. "I just go for the coffee."

"It makes her happy," said Jashin, grinning. "And when she's happy, she's good in bed."

"Therefore," said Warg. "Going to WABAA equals good sex."

"And coffee," said Jashin.

"And cookies!" cried Tobi.

"He understands!" said Jashin proudly.

I'm pretty sure Leader facepalmed at this point. He shook his head. "Why am I not surprised Dessie and Hidan's gods are like this?"

I grinned. "Because we're awesome therefore ours gods must be awesome."

"And 'awesome' is the code word for 'fucking morons'," said Madara.

"Oh ha ha," I said, flipping Madara off. "You're just jealous that you cannot rival their amazingness."

"So," said Leader, cutting across Madara and me before we could get into another fight. "Jashin and Warg are… friends?"

"We're arch rivals," said Jashin firmly.

Warg rolled his eyes. "We used to be. Then we both got married. Our wives are sisters, so they forced us to get along."

Jashin shuddered. "It was terrifying."

"Still gives me nightmares," said Warg.

"I wake up screaming in the middle of the night and my wife tries to comfort me. That just scares me even more."

"Then you have sex and it's all better," said Warg.

Jashin nodded enthusiastically. "Sex makes everything better."

"I like these gods!" I said eagerly.

"But what started your rivalry?" asked Leader.

Warg paused and considered this. "I think it was in God School… Didn't we both want to ask Yola to the dance?"

"_Yola_!?" I cried. "That pregnant bitch of a goddess?"

Warg nodded. "She was hot back in God School."

"No, no," said Jashin. "I was dating that crazy goddess of high heels back then." He grinned. "It didn't last long. I can't date a chick who wears heels so high that she's a foot taller than me!"

"So why did we start fighting then?" asked Warg.

"I think you cheated off me in God School and it pissed me off."

"What idiot would cheat off you? You failed every class."

Jashin blinked. "Oh yeah… I don't remember."

"I don't either." Warg turned back to Leader and grinned. "Does that answer your question?"

Leader snorted. "Definitely idiots."

"You're not supposed to insult a god," said Jashin.

"Wait!" I cried, raising a hand into the air and waving it about.

"Yes," said Warg. "Dessie?"

"Eep!" I turned to Madara and grabbed him by the wrists, jumping up and down excitedly. "Warg knows my name! Warg knows my name! Warg knows my name!"

Madara stared at me blankly.

"Oh right!" I turned back to Warg. "Why aren't you guys getting upset when Leader and Madara insults you? Shouldn't you go on rampage and destroy half the world? Aren't you guys the gods of blood and war and all that?"

"It's the effects of our beloved WABAA meetings," said Warg with a sigh.

"We must be good for the sake of coffee and cookies," said Jashin.

"Cookies!" cried Tobi. "Tobi wants cookies!"

"So do I," said Jashin. "If we talk anymore we're going to be late to WABAA." He leaned forward and added in a loud whisper. "And those group leaders – they report back to our wives."

"Scary…" added Warg.

"You can come with us," said Jashin. "Then Tobi can get his cookies."

"Yay!" Tobi clapped his hands excitedly. "Tobi likes Jashin-sama!"

"And Jashin-_sama_ likes Tobi," said Jashin, patting Tobi on the shoulder fondly. "Tobi knows how to respect his superiors."

"At least you're not a Nunu," I muttered.

"A what?"

"A Nunu," said Tobi.

"Noo-Noo?"

"Nunu.

"Noonu?"

"Nunu.

"Nunoo?"

"Nunu."

"Nun-oo-oo?"

"Nunu."

"Noo-oo-oon-oo?"

"_How many fucking times can you pronounce a word wrong_!?" cried Warg as he whacked Jashin over the back of the head and knocked Jashin to the floor.

We all stared at Warg silently, while Jashin rolled about on the ground and groaned.

"Tobi is scared."

Warg rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Oops."

Jashin stood up. "Oh that's it, you little shit – I am _so_ telling the group leaders about this."

"You wouldn't dare!"

Jashin grinned. "Watch me." And then he turned and sprinted down the tunnel as fast as he could. Warg shrieked (not the manliest thing) and raced after Jashin, screaming something that resembled "COMEBACKHEREYOUFUCKERIWILLRI PYOURBRAINSOUTIFYOUTELLANDFE EDYOUTOTHEFUCKINGRECOVERIESW HOTRYANDTELLMERELAPSESAREPAR TOFTHERECOVERYPROCESSIWILLTE ARYOUREYESFROMTHEIRSOCKETSAN DBAKECOOKIESWITHTHEMFORTHEOT HERADDICTSTOMUNCHONWHILEIMAK ECOFFEEFROMYOURBLACKBLOOD!"

"Um…" Madara stared after them. "Should we follow?"

"Do you know how to get out of here?" asked Leader.

"Not a clue."

"Then, yes, we should follow them."

Madara and Leader sprinted down the tunnel after the two insane gods. Tobi started to follow, but before he could get two steps away, I jumped onto his back.

"What is Dessie-Nunu doing!?"

"I can't run that fast," I snapped. "Now giddy-up, Horsie!" I kicked Tobi's sides, digging my heels in.

"Ouchies, Dessie-Nunu. Tobi doesn't like that."

"Bad Horsie, bad!"

Tobi wailed and started running down the tunnel after the others, my arms fasted around his neck as we went.

I'm not sure exactly how long we ran for, but at some point the situation changed from Warg chasing Jashin to Jashin chasing Warg. Madara and Leader had gotten into some argument about who the true leader of the Akatsuki should be, and, well, I just plodded along after them on my little horsie that says his own name way too often. We ran and ran and ran (well, technically not 'we', since I was being piggybacked, but that's a moot point).

"You're a fucked up god – fucked up, I tell you!"

"Oh, that's rich coming from an albino!"

"Did you just call me an albino, you son of a bitch!"

"Yes, I did, asshole!"

"Albinos are sexy!"

"Only to other albinos!"

"So does that mean your wife has the hots for me?"

"She only half albino, asshole!"

"Did I forget to tell you how great your wife is in bed?"

"I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill you so hard that your body won't be able to rise from your grave so Todo won't have to turn you back to ashes because you won't have a single molecule left to rise!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I have no idea…"

Jashin and Warg stopped running and turned to stare at each other. Then, they both doubled over, shaking with mad laughter.

"What the fuck?" asked Jashin. "We're both insane."

"You just figured that out?" asked Warg.

The Akatsuki stopped running and we stared at the two gods, unable to comprehend exactly what had just happened.

"Um… So?" Leader was at a loss for words.

"We're here," said Jashin, grinning.

Leader looked around the tunnel in confusion. "Where is here?"

Warg pointed up at the ceiling. "WABAA."

I stared up at the ceiling. "Oh no. Oh hell no."

Jashin grinned. "It's a matter of arriving in style."

"You're welcome to come with us," said Warg. "WABAA is always more fun with weird people."

"Dessie could definitely attend a WABAA meeting," said Madara.

I snorted. "You're one to talk, Mr. I'll Cut Everyone's Heads Off As I Please."

"It's effective," said Madara.

"Yeah, yeah."

Jashin grinned, and then he bent his knees. "Up, up, and away."

Warg stepped back and – before any of us knew what to do – Jashin jumped into the ceiling. Dirt clumps and debris flew in all directions. I covered my eyes and turned away as the mud sprayed in my face. Eventually, the rain of debris stopped. We turned to see that amongst the mess, there was a hole in the ceiling of the tunnel where Jashin had disappeared.

"So," said Warg, wiping some dirt from his cheek with the back of his hand. "Who's next?"

"These tunnels are ridiculous," said Leader, inspecting the hole.

"It's fun," said Warg proudly.

Leader sighed. Then, he leapt upwards, managed to lifted himself into the hole. For a second, his legs dangled from the ceiling, but then he pulled himself up and he disappeared from sight. Tobi followed Leader and Madara went after that. Soon, it was just Warg and I standing in the tunnel.

"I guess it's my turn next," I said, staring up at the hole. "I don't know how I can get up there."

"I can carry you."

"I only have one horsie and he's gone."

Warg shrugged. "Have fun climbing up the hole on your own."

I stood beneath the hole and gazed upwards. I could only see darkness. I reached up my hands to try and find a handhold. I couldn't even reach the ceiling. I jumped. My hands barely scraped the ceiling. I stopped jumping and glared at the hole. I don't like this new style of doorway.

"So," said Warg. "I hear you _used_ to be my follower."

"Oh," I said awkwardly. "Yeah. But then I went to Wargonia and they kind of tried to kill me and Jashin made me immortal, which was really convenient."

"Blah," said Warg, waving my comment away. "Jashinism has too many rules."

I nodded. "That's true. You have to sacrifice this guy and this guy but not this guy. Jashin doesn't like this guy. And then you can't do this and that and fuck that shit."

Warg grinned. "I understand completely. No one likes Jashinism."

"Hidan likes Jashinism."

"Hidan's an idiot."

"That's true."

Warg smiled knowingly. "I want you to come back to Wargism."

I blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah."

I considered this for a second. "As great as that would be – Jashinism makes me immortal and I kind of like being immortal."

"I can make you immortal," said Warg. "And better yet, I won't make you do any of that stupid ritual and regulations stuff – all you have to do is run around saying 'Warg rules and Jashin sucks'."

Well, I don't know about you, but I know a good bargain when I see one. I didn't even have to consider my options here.

"Deal."

Warg grinned and we shook on it.

He didn't let go of my hand, however, but rather scooped me up in his arms and held me bridal style.

"Close your eyes and shut your mouth," said Warg.

"Wait! What the–"

And then he jumped.

I hate holes. Dirt, mud, and all this other shit went flying in all direction. I clamped my eyes and mouth shut and clung to Warg like my life depended on it. We went up and up and up. I don't know where it ended, but the mass amount of dirt stopped flying in my face and the jumping sensation disappeared.

I opened one eye and then the other.

We were standing in the middle of a large hall, next to a refreshments table. Jashin was standing next to the table with a group of other gods and goddesses. Tobi was munching on a cookie and Madara was halfway through chugging down his first cup of coffee. They were all staring at Warg and me blankly.

"Nice of you to stop by," said one of the gods.

Warg set me down on the ground and grinned. "Nice to see you, Wicco. How have you been?"

"Terrible."

"Good to hear!" Warg grinned. "May I introduce everyone to Dessie – my devoted follower."

Warg patted me on the shoulder and, for good measure, I shouted at the top of my lungs, "WARG RULES AND JASHIN SUCKS!"

Jashin flipped me off and Warg patted me on the head fondly.

I think I like my new religion already.


	44. Yamamomo

**Chapter Forty-Four: Yamamomo**

**Kate**

We slunk across the living room of Aram's mansion and collapsed onto the couches. Kakuzu looked ready to murder the next person who spoke. Hidan swore he was too tired to even sacrifice people. And Sasori fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. We had just returned from out most recent task, which had required us to go mouse hunting in the mansion of Geo the god of all things giant (and that could mean a lot of things). The only problem was, the mice in Geo's house weren't just mice – they were _giant_ mice. So, the task was spent with Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan chasing after the mice while I stood onto of a chair screaming, "Kill it! I'm pregnant! Kill it! I'm pregnant!"

I sat down lightly and touched my stomach as Felix squirmed inside. From what I could tell, I had entered my sixth month at some point (this accelerated pregnancy thing because of time speed difference is too weird! It gives me headaches just thinking about it).

"Having fun?" asked Aram, entering the living room.

Hidan flipped him off.

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

"You didn't tell us the rats would be three feet tall," said Kakuzu grimly.

"Did I?" asked Aram. "Whoops. It must have slipped my mind."

Hidan sat up and glowered at Aram. "The moment I can be bothered, I am going to rip your fucking head off and feed it to the giant fucking rats!"

"Shut up," said Sasori. "Some of us are trying to sleep."

"I'm hungry," I said.

"You're always hungry," said Kakuzu irritably.

"I can't help it," I said, patting my stomach. "I'm eating for two."

"I can get you something from the kitchen," said Aram. "What do you want? Sandwich? Soup? Crackers?"

I shook my head. All those foods sounded repulsive for some reason.

"Cookies? Ice cream?"

I made a face.

"Salad? Apples? Pears? Oranges?"

"Yuck."

'How are oranges 'yuck'?" asked Hidan. "They're fucking delicious."

"They taste funny," I said. I frowned. "Maybe Felix doesn't like oranges… or pears or apples or salads or ice cream…"

"I don't think Felix doesn't like ice cream," said Sasori.

"You never know," I said. "There are those weird people who don't like ice cream." I paused and then looked down at my swollen stomach. "But not you, baby – I don't think you're weird, even if you don't like ice cream."

"Yes," said Sasori. "Because Felix not liking ice cream is the weirdest thing about him."

I stuck my tongue out at Sasori. "I'm still hungry."

"I can't get you anything unless you tell me what you want," said Aram.

"I don't know what I want," I said. "Everything sounds disgusting."

"Then why the fuck are you hungry!?" asked Hidan.

For a moment, I considered this. Then, I said, "I want a Yamamomo."

"A _what_?"

"A yamamomo."

"Jashin bless you."

I sighed. "I didn't sneeze. I said ya-ma-mo-mo."

"That was a long sneeze," said Hidan. "Do you need a tissue?'

"No."

"Good, because I wasn't going to get you one."

"What's a yamamomo?" asked Aram curiously.

I gasped. "You don't know what a yamamomo is?"

Aram, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan all shook their heads and stared at me blankly, the word completely unregistered within their heads.

"It's a type of fruit. It's red and really sweet… It's native to Asia. Not ringing any bells."

"All I know is it has a lot of 'm's and 'o's in the name," said Sasori.

"That's not very helpful," said Kakuzu.

"I'm pretty sure we don't have any yamamamamos in the kitchen," said Aram. "Er… Yamahamahohos? Yam-modo. Yamyamdomo. Yam. Mam. Mo. Mo. Yammammomo. I think it's yammammomo."

"Yamamomo," I corrected.

"Yammammomo sounds about right," said Hidan.

"No," I said. "Yamamomo. It's not that hard to say!"

"At least yammammomos sound interesting," said Sasori. "I kind of want to try one."

"They taste really good," I said excitedly. "And Felix certainly wants one."

"He's a fetus," said Kakuzu. "I don't think he can even say yammammomo, let alone know what it is."

"He's been in here for six months," I said. "His optic nerve responds to light. His brain is developing rapidly at this point. The ear network is almost complete. And he might be taking practice breaths, preparing for his birth. I _think_ Felix knows what he wants at this point. And, by all the goddess Yola, if Felix wants a yamamomo, then I will give him a yamamomo."

"And, um, where are we going to find a yammammomo?" asked Hidan.

Aram paused to consider. Then, a slow grin spread across his face. "I know where we can find a yamamomo."

"I have a bad feelings about this," said Sasori.

"I'm not getting anyone a yammammomo," said Kakuzu.

"Kisame always got me whatever I wanted," I said. "No matter how weird my cravings."

"Yeah," said Hidan. "But none of us are Kisame." He paused. "Thank Jashin for that. I would get so sick of eating seafood all the time."

"He doesn't eat seafood _all_ the time," I said. "Only, um, most of the time."

Hidan snorted. "My point is proven."

"Well," said Aram cheerfully. "I don't think we should deny Kate her cravings – after all, she is going to give birth to an adorable little Felix."

"I don't like where this is going," said Sasori.

A wide grin spread across Aram's face. He clapped his hands together and – before any of us knew what was going on – there was a flash of red light and the living room fell away. I think the last words I heard were Hidan shouting "Will you stop fucking doing that!?" For once, I agreed with Hidan.

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself lying on a grassy slope. I sat up, rubbed my aching head and then patted my stomach gently. There was a soft kick in response and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was pretty sure all this teleportation was not good for Felix.

I scanned the mountainside. Sasori was sprawled across the ground, his face buried in the ground. Kakuzu was in spread eagle position and Hidan was drooling. We were on a grassy hill at the base of a mountain, a little ways away from a scattered group of trees.

Hidan woke up next. He leapt up and cried, "Jashin will smite you all!"

"Why?" I asked.

Hidan looked around sleepily. "Where are we?"

"I have no idea."

"Yammammomos." Kakuzu was sitting upright, rubbing his head and scowling at the mountain.

"What?"

Kakuzu pointed at the cluster of trees not to far away. Between the long, oval branches were bright red fruit.

A slow, surprised grin spread across my face. "Aram's always looking out for me."

"That shitty god," said Hidan.

"Aram's not going to let us go back until we get a yammammomo," said Sasori, sitting up and gazing at the surroundings irritably.

"Yamamomo," I corrected.

"Hidan," said Kakuzu. "Get us a yammammomo."

"Why do I have to?" wailed Hidan. "Why can't Kate get her own damn yammammomo."

"Because she's pregnant," said Kakuzu.

"Really?" asked Hidan in mock horror. "I hadn't noticed!"

Sasori rolled his eyes. 'Yeah. It's not like Kate hasn't been screaming that every two seconds."

"You guys are too intense for a pregnant woman!" I cried. "Pregnant women should not be teleporting, they should not be running over lava escaping demonic monkeys, they should not be murdering giant mice, and they should not be anywhere need crazy gods who blow holes in the living room floor!"

"She has a point," said Sasori.

Hidan snorted. "I bet if Hannah or Dessie was pregnant, they would run around doing crazy shit."

Kakuzu shook his head. "If anyone suggested she should do work, pregnant Hannah would beat him over the head with a frying pan."

"That's still more than Kate's doing," said Hidan stubbornly. "Besides, Dessie would probably still get in fest fights with every woman with bigger boobs than her. She'd still go on killing sprees and she'd still stalk Hotties."

"Yeah," said Sasori. "But Dessie's unnatural."

"You're not getting out of this," said Kakuzu. He pointed at the trees. "Go get a yammammomo."

I sighed. "Yamamomo."

"I don't want to," said Hidan, crossing his arms.

Kakuzu sighed. Black, squirming tentacles leapt from Kakuzu's body and grabbed Hidan by the arms and legs. Hidan shrieked and struggled against Kakuzu's creepy tentacles. However, the black worms had a firm grasp on Hidan. They lifted Hidan high into the air and threw him as far as they could in the direction of the trees.

"KAKUZU!" screamed Hidan. "JASHIN WILL DEVOUR Y–"

Hidan hit a tree trunk. He slid down to the ground and lay in the grass for a moment, not moving.

He probably would have lain there longer, if a giant, wooly cow didn't appear on the mountainside.

I screamed. "What is that thing!?"

Sasori frowned. "I think it's a yak."

Hidan sat up and looked around. He stared at the squished face of the yak. Then, he turned to stare at us. "Why the hell is there a yak here?"

"Just get the damn yammammomo!" shouted Kakuzu.

Hidan jumped up and reached for the tree trunk. He had barely started climbing the tree when the yak tossed its head, stamped the ground, and charged – horns first – at Hidan. Hidan screamed (like a little girl) and scampered up the tree as fast as he could, narrowly avoiding being speared in the butt by the yak's horns.

"What the hell is wrong with this yak!?" wailed Hidan.

"Don't be such a crybaby," said Kakuzu.

The yak backed up and charged into the tree again. The tree shook violently and Hidan wrapped his arms around the tree's trunk to stop himself falling right out of the tree.

"You stupid yak!" cried Hidan. "Jashin will spite you! Jashin will rip your demon horns from your head and use them as musical instruments! Jashin will gouge out your eyes and use them in his soup! He'll make a badass cloak from your fur and roast from your flesh! Jashin will reap his revenge upon you and you will only be able to whine in protest – fear the almighty god of carnage!"

The yak charged at the tree again.

"I don't think the yak is afraid of Jashin," said Sasori.

"The yak fears nothing."

I squeaked as the three of us spun around to see who had spoken. A wild man – with an animal hide pelt, a full grown mangy beard, and red face paint stood behind us, a wooden staff clutched in his right hand.

"Who are you!?" I cried.

"Boab," said the wild man. "I am the yak god."

"Oh…"

A deep feeling of dread filling us, Kakuzu, Sasori, and I turned around to see Hidan – who had not noticed the arrival of the yak god – battling things out with the mad yak. Hidan drew his scythe and swung down from the tree. Laughing like a maniac, he started hacking the yak to pieces with his scythe.

"DIE, YOU DEMONIC YAK! DIE! I WILL FEAT ON YOUR FLESH AND DRINK YOU BLOOD! JASHIN WILL SEND YOU TO A HELL OF ETERNAL TORMENT WHERE YOUR YAKINESS WILL BE NOTHING BUT AGONY TO YOU!" Hidan tipped his head back and laughed.

Kakuzu groaned. "He's a moron."

Slowly, I turned back to face Boab. The yak god was, um, not happy. A twisted, tormented expression crossed his face. He seemed almost emotionless at first. Then, a dark shadow crossed his eyes and his gripped the staff. "That bastard. How dare he harm the sacred yak. He will know suffering. He will know pain. He will know an eternity of being trampled to death by yaks. I will never let him go. I will smite him over and over and over again until he will beg for mercy, but I will not give it to him, for he has _murdered the sacred yak_!"

Hidan couldn't hear Boab. He was jumping up and down on the yak's corpse, screaming curses in the name of Jashin.

"I think we should run," said Sasori.

"You think!?" I shrieked.

"Tell Hidan to get the Yammammomo," said Kakuzu.

Sasori raced across the grassy slope, but not before Boab unleashed all his rage in the form of a stampeding herd of yaks. Hidan stopped defiling the yak corpse and turned to stare. All he saw was the ginger puppet and hundreds of yaks.

Hidan drew his scythe. "Come at me, you hairy shits, I will show you the true power of Jashin."

Sasori punched Hidan in the nose. "Just get the damn fruit."

"My nose!" wailed Hidan, as blood spurted down his face. "What the fuck was the point of that!?"

"The yaks are coming."

As he faced the stampede, Hidan decided it was best not to face a herd of insane yaks. He scampered up the trees with Sasori not far behind.

"Kill them! Kill them!" screamed Boab. "Knock down the trees! Knock them all down!"

"But I want my yamamomo!" I cried. "I need it!"

"Shut up!" cried Boab. He pointed his wooden staff at my stomach. "Or my yaks will devour your fetus alive!"

I stared at Boab for two seconds. Then, I snatched the staff right out of his hands and whacked him over the head. "_Don't you dare threaten my baby_!"

Boab clutched his aching head and groaned. "What the hell is wrong with you, crazy woman!?"

Kakuzu groaned.

I whacked Boab over the head again. "Does this not register with _anyone_!? I am _pregnant_! I will protect my baby to death and even beyond that! Don't make me do crazy dangerous stuff that might endanger my baby! Don't threaten my baby! Don't even _think_ of messing with my baby! Or I will show you a pregnant Kate that makes Yola seem like a tame kitten!"

"Kate…"

"What!?" I spun around to face Kakuzu, pointing the staff at him now.

Kakuzu pointed at the herd of yaks that were charging back towards us to defend their god.

"Oh…"

I stared. And stared. And stared. I dropped the staff and screamed.

"Kakuzu! Kakuzu! Kakuzu! Save me! They're going to trample me! They're going to trample me and Felix! Kakuzu! Save us!"

Kakuzu groaned. "What happened to scary vengeful pregnant Kate?"

"Save us!"

Kakuzu scooped me up and started sprinting down the mountainside. I screamed and wrapped my arms around Kakuzu's neck.

"We're going to die! We're going to die! We're going to die!" I wailed. "And I want a yamamomo!"

"I'd better be getting paid for this," said Kakuzu.

"Screw these fucking yammammomos! They taste like shit!"

I glanced over Kakuzu's shoulder and saw Sasori and Hidan sprinting down the mountainside, holding a dozen red fruits between the two of them. The herd of yaks was stampeding after them, the deep sound of their pounding feet echoing across the mountain.

"Kate!" shouted Hidan at the top of his lungs. "I fucking hate pregnant women!"

* * *

**A/N: I have three things to say**

**1) Somehow I have not lost power in this hurricane-now-tropical-storm-maybe-later-tropical-depression. Almost everywhere in New Orleans has lost power except where we are. Huh. However, I've spent the last two days, waiting for us to lose power. It's really weird. **

**2) So, after I finish this series I want to start my own original series - it'll be a comedy and I hope you guys can read that as well. However, I wanted to move to a new site. I kind of wanted to use a new pen name, but I haven't figured out what. Any suggestions? Also, are there any sites I can use? I kind of want to have my own site, but I don't know. I'm sort of musing ideas while I finish this story.**

**3) REVIEW OR YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF BEING TRAMPLED BY YAKS FOR ETERNITY! **


	45. The Miracle Of Hot Chocolate

**Chapter Forty-Five: The Miracle Of Hot Chocolate**

**Hannah**

Erre was cooking dinner for us in giant kitchen of his cave/house hybrid home. Deidara, Konan, Itachi, Zetsu, Kisame, and I were sitting around the fireplace, sipping delicious Hot Chocolate.

I sat next to Itachi, enjoying my delicious Hot Chocolate. Have I ever told you how fantastic Erre's Hot Chocolate recipe is? It's a miracle Hot Chocolate! My Hot Chocolate pales in comparison to his. Yes, he taught me his secret recipe, but I cannot replicate it very well. His Hot Chocolate is warm and filling, It seeps through you – not sickly sweet like so many Hot Chocolates nowadays, but with a more bitter, substantial flavor. I could drink that Hot Chocolate every single day and never grow tired of it.

But that's besides the point.

I sat never to Itachi. I was drinking Hot Chocolate. Itachi wasn't drinking (Hot Chocolate didn't 'fit his image', according to Kisame). The two of us had scattered snippets of conversation, but for the most part, we stared at the roaring fire. Konan, Deidara, Kisame, and Zetsu, however, would not stop talking and plotting.

"We could give him Hannah," said Kisame. "He seems to like Hannah."

"We just got her back, uhn," said Deidara. "We're not giving her away again."

"But she's already dead. She can stay with Erre until we find away to bring her back to life."

"We're not leaving her," said Zetsu firmly. "If you suggest that again, we'll eat your head off." (I have such loyal pets).

Kisame groaned. "Fine. No giving up Hannah… What if you gave him Konan instead?"

"He already has me," said Konan. "Why would he agree to take me in exchange for your freedom?"

"I meant give you to him in, um, a different sense."

Konan whacked Kisame over the back of the head. "I will make you a noose of paper and give your mangled body as a sacrifice to Erre – how does that sound?"

"I like that plan, uhn."

I sipped my Hot Chocolate and watched the flames dance.

"We could riot amongst ourselves," said Kisame. "And when Erre was distracted one of us could sneak away and find Aram and get the rest of the Akatsuki to help us escape."

"That might work," said Konan thoughtfully.

"We could dig a hole out, uhn," said Deidara.

"The only one of us who could actually dig a hole that fast without Erre noticing is Zetsu," said Konan.

"We can't," said Zetsu. "Erre's home is a perfect prison. We can't escape through the ceiling, the walls, or the floor."

"Damn him," said Kisame.

"We could just blow him up, uhn," said Deidara.

"We could eat him," added Zetsu.

"I don't think either of those ideas are great…" said Konan slowly (I agreed wholeheartedly).

"We could just beat the shit out of him and flee," said Kisame.

I took another sip of my Hot Chocolate and muttered, under my breath, to Itachi, "All these ideas are stupid."

"Hn." Itachi nodded. (At least that was some kind of response).

"I don't see what the rush to leave is."

"Hn."

I drank some more of my Hot Chocolate and found, suddenly, that I had finished it. I got to my feet and left the fireside to locate Erre in the kitchen. Erre was humming loudly as he made a nice meal of mashed potatoes and pork roast.

"Hannah!" cried Erre when he caught sight of me.

I stared up at the abominable snowman for a moment and then lifted up the empty mug for him to see.

"Do you want some more, Honey?" asked Erre as he took the mug from me.

"Of course," I said.

Erre started mixing up another drink, while I watched with interest.

"Is the fire nice, Honey?" asked Erre.

I nodded. "It's warm. The other are enjoying it. They haven't left the fireside since we arrived."

"Goodie," said Erre. "There's really no need to leave!"

"Did Deronde bring you other friends?" I asked.

Erre nodded enthusiastically. "They were great friends – even if they tried to leave. We had lots of good times together."

"Leave?"

His smile faded a little and he looked down at the Hot Chocolate. "They didn't always like being here. I don't know why. So they'd try to leave. But I didn't want them too – we were having so much fun. So we fight and, in the end, they don't leave. But they aren't much fun either."

"Oh…" My voice failed me.

"Your Hot Chocolate is done," said Erre, handing me the steaming mug.

I took it from him happily and returned to my place by the fire. Konan, Kisame, Zetsu, and Deidara were still talking excitedly about escape plans. I was just enjoying my Hot Chocolate. I don't remember how long we were sitting there – chattering and sipping and talking and gazing and whispering and staring. It's all sort of a blur. The only thing I really remember happening next was Erre walking into the room with plates of food and the Akatsuki attacking him (well, the Akatsuki excluding Itachi and me).

Deidara tried to blow a hole in Erre's head, but the abominable snowman batted away the clay bird and the bomb ended up destroying our dinner (damn you, Deidara!). Konan created a tornado of paper, but Erre's fur was too thick for the paper to damage him – the tornado was more a nuisance than anything else. Zetsu took a bite of Erre's foot; however, the snowman was too hairy and Zetsu spent the next half hour coughing up hairballs.

"That wasn't very nice!" wailed Erre. "Now you've gone and spoiled dinner!"

"We want to leave!" cried Konan.

Erre shook his head wildly. "You can't leave! You can't leave! We're having so much fun! It's not fair if you leave!"

"We need to leave!"

"No!" Erre grabbed Konan by the neck and lifted her into the air. Konan gasped for breath and struggled frantically against his grip – but to no avail. Erre shook his head back and forth wildly. "No! No! No! No leaving! No leaving! Stay! Stay! We're having fun! Stay!"

Konan was turning bright red.

"You should probably put her down," I said, sipping my Hot Chocolate.

Erre glanced at me, the wildness fading from his white eyes. He dropped Konan and she landed on the ground, gasping and coughing.

"I need to make dinner again," said Erre. He spun around and stormed back to the kitchen, while the rest of us remained around the fire.

Kisame helped Konan to a comfortable seat. Then, Kisame sat next to her and turned to address us. "This isn't good," said Kisame. "He's too strong."

Deidara nodded. "He won't go bang, uhn."

"He tastes bad," said Zetsu, sticking out his tongue, which still had a few white hairs stuck to it.

"That's disgusting," said Kisame.

"What should we do?" asked Konan.

Kisame frowned. "We could try to distract him while one of us escapes…"

"How would we distract him, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"We could try attacking him again," said Kisame (they never learn, do they).

"Nah," said Konan.

"We could try to eat you," said Zetsu thoughtfully. "Then Erre might try and stop us." He smiled crookedly. "Either we eat you or one of us escapes – either way, we win."

"Let's not do that," said Kisame.

"We could argue," said Konan. "I don't think Erre would like to see his friends argue."

"What would we argue about, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Konan slapped him. "Don't say such bullshit!"

"Ow!" cried Deidara, rubbing his cheek. "That fucking hurt!"

"Konan!" cried Kisame. "You shouldn't hit Deidara! Even if he's being a shit, you shouldn't hit him!"

"I wasn't being a shit!" snapped Deidara. "Konan's just PMSing."

"_I'm not PMSing_!"

Kisame leaned over and whispered loudly to Deidara, "She's totally PMSing."

Konan summoned her mass paper and prepared to strike Kisame. Kisame grinned tauntingly. "I'd like to see you tr – AH! Zetsu! Don't _bite_ me!"

"We're hungry!" growled Zetsu, his white teeth embedded in Kisame's blue arm.

"You stupid plant!" cried Kisame. "I'm going to pot you so badly your roots won't be able to grow!"

Zetsu gasped and drew back from Kisame, his eyes wide in horror. "You wouldn't!"

"Watch me!"

Deidara snickered. "Zetsu's afraid of a little pot."

"Shut up, Blondie!" snapped Konan, stabbing Deidara in the side of the head with a paper airplane.

"Ow!" cried Deidara. "What was that for?"

"Existing!"

"I have a spade ready!"

"One day the plants will rise up against you and teach you the true meaning of potted!"

"Paper cut! Paper cut! Paper cut! Paper cut! Paper cut! Paper cut! Paper cut!"

"Stop it, Konan! You crazy bitch, uhn!"

They will grow beyond their measly confinement, draw their strength from the brightly burning sun, and devour your flesh with their green leaves!"

"Fear the paper!"

"There won't be a fucking plant zombie apocalypse!"

"I'm less afraid of the paper than I am of the plant zombie apocalypse, uhn!"

"There's going to be a zombie paper plant?"

I rolled my eyes and took another sip of Hot Chocolate. How exactly the Akatsuki became a high class criminal organization, I will never know. Ninety percent of our group is completely insane and the other ten percent is unmotivated to do anything half the time.

"_What's going on here_!?"

Erre stormed into the middle of the fight, glowering at the four Akatsuki members. I continued to peacefully drink my Hot Chocolate. Erre placed his hands on his hips and scowled at them.

"You shouldn't fight!" cried Erre. "We're all friends! Friends don't fight!"

"You're right," said Konan, nodding her head. "Fighting is bad. Thanks for your words of wisdom, Erre."

Erre beamed. "We all learn valuable lessons. And just in time for dinner! I made mashed potatoes and roast pork! Five minute warning!" Excitedly, the abominable snowman waltzed across the house back to the kitchen where he started bringing plates of food to the table.

Konan turned back to face Kisame, Zetsu, and Deidara. At first, she looked excited. Then, she groaned and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Why didn't one of you leave while the rest of us were arguing?"

Kisame looked around the group and then frowned. "I thought you were going to leave."

"I thought Deidara or Zetsu was going to leave," said Konan.

"Why would I leave, uhn?"

"We want to stay with Hannah," said Zetsu.

Konan groaned. "So we got into a giant fight so one of us can escape the abominable snowman and get help – and we forget to leave."

Kisame grinned sheepishly. "Oops."

(Yep, they're all idiots).

"Dinner's ready!" called Erre in a singsong voice.

We all sluggishly got to our feet and headed to the giant dinner table. I sat in the unnaturally large chair next to Erre and sipped my Hot Chocolate while he dished up spoonful upon spoonful of mashed potatoes onto my plate. Zetsu and Deidara argued over who should sit next to me (Zetsu won when he coughed up a white fur ball in Deidara's face). Deidara sat across the table and Konan sat next to him with Kisame to her right.

"Let's dig in," said Kisame eagerly.

Erre frowned. "Where's Itachi?"

Konan blinked, a confused look crossing her face. She looked around the table. "I don't know. Where'd he disappear to?"

"He decided to leave," I said, taking another sip of the Hot Chocolate.

"_What_!?"

"That's not a friendly thing to do!" cried Erre. "He can't leave! He can't!" Erre leapt from his seat and sprinted towards the cave exit. "I'll rip his head off! I'll kill him! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"

The rest of us remained seated at the table, Kisame enjoying his pork roast immensely and Konan looking puzzled.

"When did Itachi leave?" she asked.

"While you guys were arguing about how to escape," I said. "He stood up and walked out the front door."

Konan stared. "And you didn't tell us?"

"I didn't think it was important."

* * *

**A/N: Hannah really likes Hot Chocolate. She's so mellow when she has it.**

**Okay, to clear up some confusion about my next project. I plan to finish this 95 chapter book. This will be the last book in the series. I will tie up all the loose ends and leave it at that. THEN, I want to write some original series that I hope you all will read. I plan to publish this story on a different site (haven't established the site yet, but I might do a blog... I'm not sure). The story will be a humor/adventure/fantasy/romance story about two mercenary girls who crossdress as men to hide their identities, a righteous lieutenant who hunts them to the ends of the world, a whimsical hottie who is in "love" with his polar opposite, and a self-absorbed narrator who cons people out of their valuables in his spare time. **

**REVIEW or Hannah will tell pregnant Kate that you threatened her baby. And we all know how THAT will turn out. **


	46. You Coffee Thieving Bastard

**Chapter Forty-Six: You Coffee Thieving Bastard**

**Dessie**

"I was watching the wars on Werehimegarden," said Deto (the god of guns). "And I felt this itching inside of me. I tried to stop it. I made coffee. I had cake. Lots of cake. And cookies. And more coffee. I must have drunk at least three pots of black coffee. But the itching just wouldn't go away. I wanted to join in. I wanted to go in, guns blazing, and blast the heads off those _sons of bitches_."

"My followers were fighting the Wargonians," said Mamorden (the god of pointy objects). He bowed his head and stared at his pointy boots rather than look at us. "I wanted to help them. Their weapons weren't pointy enough. I wanted to sharpen the knives and swords for them. But I couldn't. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab – but I couldn't. It's not allowed. Stabbing is bad. Stabbing does not help me overcome my pent up rage. I need to accept my rage and then let it go. Releasing my rage by killing people with pointy objects is not good. Even if stabbing is fun."

SooSoo (the goddess of war ghosts) nodded. "I wanted revenge. I saw those idiots fighting a war with no meaning, all those dead people – they were crying out to me. I wanted to kill them all. Those stupid armies – fighting for no reason. I need to rip their heads off and feed them to the zombies of war victims. War is stupid – die, all of you!" SooSoo shook her head. "I shouldn't. I want too. But I shouldn't. Exercise helps. Remember how you told me to go for a run whenever the craving struck me?" SooSoo turned to the group leader (Rev). "I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. It didn't help."

"So what'd you do?" asked Warg, yawning.

SooSoo hesitated. She bit her lip and scuffed the floor with her shoe. "I killed them all."

Rev sucked in his breath and sighed. "We all fall off the wagon, sometimes, Soo. The important thing is, we learn from our mistakes."

"But it felt so good!" wailed SooSoo. "At first, I said – just one, I'll just kill one. But it felt so good! So I killed two. But that felt even better. So I killed three. And soon three turned into three hundred thousand…"

"We're here to help," said Rev, looking around the circle.

"Of course!" cried Fer (the god of armies). "We're all here for you, SooSoo! If you ever have this urging again, come to me! We'll overcome this together!"

Rev nodded. "Thank you, Fer. Do you have anything to share?"

Fer smiled proudly. "An army prayed to me to devour their nemeses. I was tempted, but I followed your advice, Rev. I read a book. By the time I finished the 2,000 page book – the war was over. I was proud."

"Good job, Fer," said Rev proudly. "We are all inspired by your success." Slowly, Rev turned to Jashin (the god of mass destruction and carnage). "Do you have anything to tell us?"

"Me?" asked Jashin. "Um, no. No. I was pretty good this week. I didn't fall off the wagon… too badly…"

Warg snorted.

"Anything you would like to add?" asked Rev, addressing Warg (the god of war and all things violent) this time.

"Me? I fell off the wagon. Terribly. My Wargonians were fighting the Mamordians. I slaughtered those Marmordians." Warg shrugged. "Oops."

I giggled.

All at once, everyone turned to stare at me. Rev's eyes narrowed. "Do you have something to say, um – what's your name?"

"Dessie and I'm good. I just thought Warg's – er – openness was admirable." I giggled again.

Rev scowled at me, but then turned back to address the rest of the group. We were sitting in a circle, sharing our war and blood addictions and how we overcome our 'issues'. To give you a summary:

Rev – the group leader and the god of recovery. He was semi-attractive (ugly, though, as far as gods go) with short cropped blond hair and bright blue eyes. He liked to view himself as the all-knowing boss of us, though Warg and Jashin definitely had some opinions on that.

Fer – the suck-up of the group. The god of armies. Tall, blond, golden-eyed, Fer was as hot as hell. He was also as stupid.

SooSoo – the only goddess attending WABAA. Apparently she falls off the wagon, a lot (though not as much as Jashin and Warg). A gorgeous brunette with a flat chest. Fer apparently has a thing for her, though she has a massive crush on Deto.

Deto – the god of guns. He has long brown hair, bright brown eyes (I call him Loaded-Gun-Hottie). He's a pretty decent guy who has a slightly bipolar personality. One moment he's nice – the next he's calling you a 'fucking bitch'. He also has a thing for SooSoo.

Mamorden – the god of pointy objects. Hot, hot, hot – black hair, black eyes with some resemblance to Itachi (I could drool over him all day). He also hates Warg.

Madara, Tobi, Leader, and I had joined the group today. Leader sat closest to Rev in the circle. SooSoo sat next to Leader with Madara next to her. I sat between Madara and Warg. Then there was Jashin and Mamorden and Deto. Then Tobi sat between Deto and Fer (let me tell you, neither god was pleased with this seating arrangement).

"We have some new members here today," said Rev, glancing around the circle. "Why don't you all introduce yourself, and tell us about your addictions." He turned to Leader on his right. "Why don't we start with you?"

Leader stared at Rev, the hatred practically dripping from Leader's expression. Then, Leader turned around and addressed the group in a flat voice. "I am Leader. You will call me Leader and nothing else. I do not answer to anything accept Leader. I am the leader of a criminal organization. We kill people for money and we enjoy it."

"It's very fun," I added.

"We don't speak out of turn," said Rev. He turned back to Leader. "We don't want to spread negative energy through the group."

Leader stared at Rev.

"And what about you?" asked Rev, turning his attention to Tobi.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi doesn't want to kill people!"

Rev smiled and clapped his hands. "That's great. The universe needs more good boys. You are a role model to the rest of us!"

Tobi beamed.

"What about you?" asked Rev.

"Madara."

"And what's your addiction?"

"Coffee."

There was a soft laugh that ran through the group. A Valuable Life Lesson: Addicts have a thing for coffee.

"Anything else? Blood? Death? Cutting things with pointy objects?"

"That's very fun," said Mamorden.

Madara stared at Rev. "I'll kill if it benefits me."

"Killing is not the solution to life's problems," said Rev.

"Say that to the evil dictator who's ruled for several decades."

I giggled.

Finally, the Rev turned to me, his eyes narrowed with disgust. "And you, Dessie?"

"Me?" I asked. "I'm an addict to the highest degree. I like killing things. I think it's fun. Sure, it's probably against some moral code of conduct – but it's _fun_. Having fun is one of the most important things in life. It makes me happy. If I can't kill, I'll be unhappy – and I don't want to live being unhappy. So I'll do what I want. If people don't like me killing – they're welcome to try and kill me. They might not succeed – tough luck for them. But maybe they will, well, that'll be the end of my fun, but at least I'll know I lived a life I enjoyed." I grinned at the group. "I think this whole thing is stupid. Why should you guys try and get over your addictions? If you like being addicted – who cares? Don't you guys miss it? Ripping someone's head off without regret. Listening to their screams of pain without having to worry about being judged in a stupid circle. Blood everywhere, seeping out of the bathtub – it's so much fun!"

SooSoo grinned. "Regret sucks."

"I like shooting things," said Deto.

"Really fun…" said Mamorden. "Then I can kill Wargonians without worry."

"Like hell you can," said Warg.

Rev gritted his teeth. "Killing should not be fun – think of other people's pain!"

"Why?" I asked.

"What?"

"Why should other people's pain matter to me?"

"Because it's the moral thing to do!"

"Why should morals matter to me?"

"We abandoned things like morals long ago," said Leader. "They hold us back."

"Morals are something for good people," said Madara. "We're evil. It's a lot more fun."

"Good people have to suffer," I said. "They care about too many people, so whenever someone dies, the good people feel pain. We don't care about anyone who isn't one of ours – so our pain is limited."

"And if someone takes away one of ours," said Leader. "We'll send the world to hell."

Rev gritted his teeth. "Why are you even _here_? You're a negative influence! Negative influences are not welcome in our group! WABAA! We must stay strong! We must fight these corruptive influences!"

"I kind of like them," said Mamorden.

"I think we should take a break!" cried Rev loudly.

I hopped up from my seat and headed straight for the coffee. I poured myself a cup and grabbed a cookie.

"That was fun," said Warg, sipping his own coffee. "We should bring you guys to more meetings."

"I don't think Rev would like that."

"Who cares?" asked Warg. "Our goal in life is to piss Rev off as much as possible."

I grinned. "On second thought, I'd be happy to come."

"Coffee…" Madara stood in front of the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. He chugged down the searing hot liquid and poured himself another cup.

"Leave some for everyone else," said Jashin, grabbing a cookie.

"Good luck with that," I said. "Madara's a coffee addict."

"They have meetings for that," said Warg.

"Not attending," said Madara flatly.

"I don't know," said Warg. "At this rate, Rev might kick you all out and send you to the CAA meeting."

"I will fuck them up even worse than Dessie fucked this meeting up," said Madara.

"I didn't fuck it up that badly," I said.

Madara chugged down another cup of coffee and stared at me over the cup with amusement in his red eyes.

"Oh shut up," I said.

Madara grinned and refilled his coffee. "At least, you're having _fun_ doing it."

"Don't mock me, asshole!"

"But you're so easy to mock."

Madara finished another cup of coffee and went to refill it.

"How much coffee do you plan on drinking?" I asked, filling up my own cup again.

"I'm the person who drinks the entire carafe of coffee in the morning."

"Didn't you throw up one time?" I asked, a slow grin crossing my face. "Because the coffee was too hot for poor Madara-wara to handle."

"Did you just call him Madara-wara?" asked Warg.

"Congratulations," said Madara. "You managed to make yourself look like a bigger idiot while ridiculing me."

I sighed. "Yeah, I should have stuck with just calling you Mada."

"Don't call me Mada."

"Whatever you say, Mada."

Madara rolled his eyes and continued to drink his beloved coffee.

"I can't believe you stole one of my followers," said Jashin.

I glanced over to see Warg and Jashin were chatting over cookies. Jashin seemed semi-pissed off while Warg was in a suspiciously cheerful mood.

"She was mine first," said Warg. "Then she converted to you. I'm just taking back what was originally mine."

"I still have Hidan," said Jashin.

"Yes," said Warg, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Because Hidan is a follower you ought to be so _proud_ of."

"Yeah, like Dessie's something to brag about."

"You're the one making a big deal out of this."

I stepped into their conversation, a wide grin plastered across my face. "_Warg rules and Jashin sucks_!"

"See," said Warg. "I think she's a great follower."

Deto broke off his conversation with SooSoo and moved towards the coffee machine. Madara stepped away from the machine, chugging down his cup of coffee.

"Why thank you, Warg," I said. "I think I have a great god."

Deto put his cup under the tap and flipped the switch on the machine.

"You two are full of bullshit," said Jashin.

Deto stared at his empty cup.

"I can't deny that," said Warg, grinning mischievously.

"WHY IS THERE NO MORE COFFEE!?"

The entire room fell silent and we all turned to see Deto standing in front of the coffee machine, a twisted expression on his face.

"What?" asked Rev.

"We – Are – Out – Of – Coffee."

I turned around. "Madara, you coffee thieving bastard."

Madara inspected his empty cup. "It doesn't take that long to make more."

"You don't understand!" cried Deto. "The people here are addicts! We need coffee like we need air!"

"Oh wah," said Madara. "I weep for your sad tale."

Deto's left eye twitched.

"He drank _all_ the coffee?" asked SooSoo, her voice low and deadly.

"There was enough coffee in there for thirty people!" cried Rev.

I groaned. "This isn't going to end well."

"I can drink coffee for fifty people," said Madara. "It's not that hard to make more – you're gods, aren't you? Or are you just too stupid to make your own coffee?"

Deto pulled out his gun and pointed it at Madara's head. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! HOW DARE YOU DRINK ALL OF MY FUCKING COFFEE! _MY_ COFFEE! ASSHOLE! SHITHEAD! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Warg grinned. "We should definitely take you guys to all our WABAA meetings!"


	47. Hidan Bashing

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Hidan Bashing**

**Kate**

We were lounging about in Aram's kitchen like a bunch of sloths. Yeah, I know. Hannah and the others were cowering in fear of the Abominable Snowman (not that we knew any of this at the time) while Dessie, Madara, Leader, and Tobi were being attacked by psychotic, coffee-deprive gods – and we were snacking in the kitchen. Well, I want you to know that Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, and I were working hard while the others were gone. We killed perverted zombies, we avoided insane yak gods, we ran in circles around crazy monkeys in a lava-filled volcano, we hunted three headed jaguars in an exploding jungle, and we found a needle in a haystack! We worked hard – we were in the kitchen having a well-earned break.

"Why doesn't Aram have anything in his kitchen?" groaned Hidan.

"Because he doesn't exactly need to eat," said Kakuzu. "He's immortal."

"Yeah," I said. "But you'd think that'd given him even more reason to eat. He could eat as much as he wanted without getting fat."

"But after an eternity of eating what he wanted to, he probably got bored of eating," said Sasori.

I paused. "Just get him pregnant and see how bored of food he is then."

"If I have to hear that you're pregnant one more time," said Hidan, slamming his forehead on the marble counter. "I will rip your tongue out and sacrifice it to Jashin-sama."

I gasped and wrapped my arms around my stomach. "Poor baby Felix, hearing such terrible things before he's even born. He'll probably grow up to be a mass murderer now."

"If he grows up to be a mass murderer," said Kakuzu. "I doubt it's because Hidan threatened you. It might have something to do with his upbringing though."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Kisame is going to make a great daddy."

Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori collapsed into fits of laughter.

"Whatever you say," said Kakuzu.

"You people are mean," I said, patting my stomach. "Don't listen to them, Felix. It's a good thing none of them are going to be your daddies. Then your future-self would be _really_ messed up."

"Hn."

We all froze. That 'hn' was all too familiar. Slowly, we turned to the entrance of the kitchen where Itachi stood in all his glorious badassery.

"Itachi!" I cried. "What are you doing here!?"

"Hn."

"Yeah…" said Sasori. "We don't speak 'hn'."

"Wait! Wait!" cried Hidan, jumping forward. "I think I got this one. He said… He said he's gay and he has a major crush on… Zetsu? Itachi? Zetsu – really?"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I said – Deronde kidnapped Hannah, Konan, Deidara, Kisame, and Zetsu and left us on a mountain at the mercy of an Abominable Snowman named Erre who keeps making us Hot Chocolate. I left, but the others are stuck there and you should probably go rescue them."

We stared.

"How the fuck am I supposed to get that from 'hn'!?" cried Hidan.

"Kisame could have understood him," I said, proudly.

"I don't think that's the response Itachi was going for," said Sasori.

I giggled. "You should go rescue them."

"What do you mean 'you'?" asked Hidan suspiciously. "Don't you mean 'we'?"

"We're going to fight an Abominable Snowman," I said. "What do you expect a pregnant woman to do?"

"That's it," said Hidan, crossing the room and drawing his weapon. "The tongue is coming out."

I screamed and raced behind Kakuzu, cowering in fear as Hidan attempted to rip out my tongue.

"What are you crazy idiots doing?"

Aram stepped into the kitchen, running his fingers through his short-cropped brown hair. He caught sight of Itachi and waved. "Hey – where'd you come from?"

"The mountain." Itachi recapped the situation.

"Ah-ha!" cried Aram, clapping his hands together. "That's why I couldn't find you! Deronde probably stopped my orbs from locating you idiots. I can't believe you escape Erre so easily. People who stay with him end up dying there."

"Itachi's badass like that," said Sasori as if that explained everything.

"Well," said Aram. "Now that we know where they are, transporting you there is no problem."

"Wait!" I cried, throwing up my hands. "I don't think it's healthy for me to go to a freezing cold mountain with little oxygen–"

Aram handed Itachi a bracelet that would transport us back and then Aram began shaping a red orb. I screamed and tried to run away, but before I could get very far, Aram forced me into the red orb. There was a flash of light and the kitchen fell away into redness.

* * *

It was cold. I don't really know how to describe the cold. It was the kind of cold that reaches your bones – and your womb. I think that's why Felix's personality is so cold now – because his heart froze inside my womb on that mountain. Of course, everyone tells me that's ridiculous – but _I_ know the truth.

"Why is it so cold!?" wailed Hidan. "My balls are going to freeze off!"

"Your poor balls," said Sasori, sitting up and brushing some snow out of his red hair. "I'm really concerned."

"Is that sarcasm I sense there?" asked Hidan.

"Yes," said Kakuzu. "Sasori might be better at it than I am."

"Now that's saying something," I said.

Kakuzu got to his feet and scanned the mountainside. I copied him. It was a barren wasteland. White snow covered the steep slope. The winds were howling and the mist was so thick I could barely see a dozen feet in front of me.

"Did Aram really send up here?" I asked in disbelief.

"This is probably another one his ideas of entertainment," said Kakuzu. "Let's see how long we can make the Akatsuki wander the mountainside before they find Erre."

"I wouldn't put it past him," I said wearily.

"Hn."

"What was that?" I asked.

"Hn."

"Wait!" cried Hidan. "I think I got this one."

Insert group groaned here.

"Your last one was a disaster," said Sasori. "What makes you think this one will be any better?"

"I'm learning," said Hidan. "But this time – I got it – Itachi said he's got a thing for overly muscular men in bunny suits." Hidan folded his arms across his chest and grinned proudly. "See, I speak Uchiha too."

We all agreed not to comment on Hidan's version of Uchiha. Instead, we turned to Itachi.

"Erre's cave in right over there."

Itachi pointed to his left. We all turned to see the dark opening of a cave amongst the snowy mountainside. We would have missed it if Itachi hadn't told us. It was well hidden, appearing more as a mountain ridge than a cave.

"Oh," I said. "So Aram wasn't that mean."

"Hn."

Hidan frowned. "This is a difficult one, but I think he said he thinks girls are icky unless that girl was originally a man."

"Give me a second," said Kakuzu. He turned around, grabbed Hidan by the neck, and proceeded to beat the living stuffing out of him.

Itachi, Sasori, and I watched as Hidan painted the snowy mountainside red.

"He deserves every second of this," said Sasori.

"Hn."

"I think that means yes," I said.

"Congrats," said Sasori. "You already speak Uchiha better than Hidan."

"That wasn't hard."

Kakuzu stepped away from Hidan's broken body and wiped the blood off his hands. "Alright," said Kakuzu. "We have an Abominable Snowman to confront."

Itachi led the way to the cave with Sasori, Kakuzu, and me following. I think Hidan was crawling after us, leaving a bloody trail in the snow. I maintain – he deserved every second of that beating.

We entered the mouth of the cave and headed inside. A little deeper amongst the jagged rocks we found a large wooden door – certainly large enough for a giant Abominable Snowman to enter through.

"Should we knock?" I asked.

Kakuzu drew back his leg and kicked the door. The hinges gave way beneath his foot and the door flew backwards into the room beyond. Crashing noises and the sound of shattering glass accompanied the thud of the door. Someone screamed.

"We could have at least tried to knob!" I cried.

"What are we?" asked Kakuzu. "Girl Scouts?"

Itachi stepped inside and the rest of us followed. Even Hidan managed to hobble his way in his immortality healing his wounds at unnatural speed.

Behind the door was Erre's house (it could be nothing other). To be honest, it was a nice house, complete with a roaring fire, comfy chairs, a clean kitchen. Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, Hannah, Deidara, and the giant white monstrosity that must be Erre were sitting at the kitchen table, sipping steaming mugs.

"Kisame!" I cried.

My blue hubby leapt to his feet, his eyes wide with delight. "Kate!" He sprinted across the living room and flung his arms around my waist, lifting me into the air. "Kate!"

I laughed. "I missed you!"

"Me too," said Kisame, holding me a little away. "There was a significant lack of cuteness in my life."

"What?" I cried. "But you had Hannah here with you."

Kisame snorted. "That would be terror."

"Konan?"

"She's Leader's woman."

"I am not!" called out Konan as she hopped out of her seat at the table.

I giggled and kissed Kisame fondly. "Felix missed you too."

Kisame beamed. "All this mountain weather can't be good for the baby."

Wiping away a tear, I said, "I think his heart has been frozen. He'll be a cold murderer now."

"As opposed to what?" asked Hidan. "A warm-hearted murderer?"

Kakuzu whacked Hidan over the head.

"Look! Look!" cried Erre. The giant white beast leapt out of his seat and skipped across the room. "New friends have come to stay! All friends are welcome!"

Hidan coughed. "Is he alright in the head?"

Deidara pointed at his temple and swirled the finger in circle – the universal sign for He's Off His Rocker.

"I'm Erre! What's your names?"

"This is Kate," said Kisame, stilling holding me three feet off the ground. "And this is Felix." He prodded my stomach fondly.

"You named her stomach!" cried Erre. "That's so cute!"

"Er – no," said Kisame. "She's pregnant."

"Thanks to Yola," I added.

"Oh." Erre's smile widened. "That's even cuter!"

Hidan groaned. "Definitely crazy."

"More crazy than you," said Konan. "Are you jealous?"

"And who is this?" said Erre, patting Hidan on the head (and messing up Hidan's perfectly slicked back hair).

"Hidan," said Konan. "He's an insane murderous Jashinist – just to warn you."

"Jashin!" cried Erre, his eyes widening in shock. "That guy is evil. Warg too. They're both evil."

Hidan grinned proudly. "That's my god, bitches!"

"And Itachi," said Erre, clapping his hands together gleefully. "And – who are these two?"

"Kakuzu and Sasori," said Konan, pointing to both of them in turn.

"Such pretty names!" cried Erre. "Well, now that we're all introduced – who's in the mood for Hot Chocolate?"

Hannah raised her hand high into the air. "I'm want more."

"Hannah!" I cried. I squirmed in Kisame's arms. "Put me down, I need to hug Hannah."

Kisame compromised and carried me across the room so I could hug Hannah while he was still holding me.

"How have you been, dear?" I asked.

"Good." Hannah had a ghostly smiled across her lips (unnatural…). "Erre makes amazing Hot Chocolate."

"Oh. If he's being feeding you Hot Chocolate the whole time…"

Hannah nodded.

"Yeah," said Kisame. "She's been really… weird."

I patted his spiky blue hair. "Remember that time we were watching the Chicago police show where they arrested a drug addict who was extremely high and you asked me why he was like that and I said he took some happy meds?"

Kisame nodded.

"Hot Chocolate is Hannah's happy med."

"Oh…"

"So what have you been up to, uhn?" asked Deidara. He put his mug on the table top and grinned.

"Satisfying Kate's pregnancy cravings," said Hidan. "We were attacked by an insane yak god."

"It's Kisame's fault," said Sasori. "He's the one who's supposed to satisfy all of Kate's weird pregnancy cravings."

"I know, "said Kisame, shaking his head. "Only I can satisfy all of Kate's cravings."

I poked Kisame on the side of the head. "Don't say that."

"Aw," cried Erre, clapping his hands excitedly. "You two are so cute! Best couple of the year award!"

I blushed. I was liking Erre more and more as time went by.

Zetsu coughed and pointed at Hannah and then at himself eagerly.

"Please," said Erre, waving away Zetsu's motion. "She just treats you like dirt – we all have to move on at some point, Planty."

Hidan laughed. "Planty!?"

Zetsu glowered at Hidan for a moment and then sunk his teeth into Hidan's hand. Hidan screamed and leapt away, trying to detach the Venus flytrap.

"Are you fucking crazy!?"

"Yep," said Konan, smiling. 'What's the Akatsuki without the usual Hidan bashing?"

"It's a great pastime, uhn," said Deidara.

"You want to know what's an even better pastime?" asked Hidan after he freed himself from Zetsu. "Deidara bashing."

"But it's not nearly as satisfying," said Deidara.

Hannah waved away their comments. "So what are you doing there, Kate?"

"Itachi brought us," I said. "He said Erre wouldn't let you leave."

"Really?" asked Hannah. "I hadn't tried."

"We all tried," said Deidara flatly. "How did you not notice?"

"She was high on Hot Chocolate," said Kisame.

"It's good Hot Chocolate."

Konan sighed. "You people and your weird pleasures." She shook her head. "I think we should leave before anything weirder happens."

"Left!?" cried Erre. "No! You can't leave! You have to stay! You have to stay with me forever!"

We all turned to stare at Erre.

"Sorry," said Konan. "But we have things we have to do."

Hidan nodded. "If you don't let us leave now, then Leader's going to show up and kick your ass. He can't rule the world without his precious Konan."

Konan threw a paper plane at Hidan's head and gave him the paper cut of his life.

"We're friends!" wailed Erre. "Friends don't leave friends!"

"Who said we were friends?" asked Sasori.

"It's one of his weird Snowman fantasies, uhn," said Deidara.

"We really do need to leave," said Konan.

"This mountain air isn't good for Felix," added Kisame. I smiled fondly at him and Deidara mimed vomiting behind us.

"No! No! No!" Erre was near tears at this point. "You can't leave! You can't! You can't!"

"I don't mind staying," said Hannah.

"You just want the Hot Chocolate," I said.

"I'll give you all Hot Chocolate!" cried Erre. "Hot Chocolate for the rest of eternity! Just don't leave! Friends don't leave other friends! Friends make Hot Chocolate for other friends!"

"Yeah…" said Deidara slowly. "None of us like Hot Chocolate that much, uhn. Except Hannah."

"I'll stay for eternity," said Hannah.

Kakuzu sighed. He walked across the room and stood in front of Hannah. She was still sitting in the giant chair at Erre's dinner table. She stared down at Kakuzu. He stared up at her. Then Kakuzu picked her up out of her seat and slung her over his shoulder. Hannah screamed. Kakuzu walked across the room to stand by the door.

"We're leaving now," he said.

"Put me down, asshole!" screamed Hannah. "I'll break up with you!"

Kakuzu shrugged. "You'll have bigger problems than me if you break up with me, you sarmassophic."

Hannah screamed even louder. "I'm going to _kill_ Dessie!"

"Put her down!" cried Erre, bounding across the room. "Put my Hannah down! She's my friend!"

Erre drew back his fist to hit Kakuzu. He lunged forward at the same time Kakuzu lifted his leg. The too made contact – fist to foot. Erre stopped mid attack and stared.

"Fuck off," said Kakuzu.

"We've got to go," said Kisame, carrying me out of the cave. "It was fun while it lasted."

"Not, uhn." Deidara bounded after us. "There's only so much Hot Chocolate I can drink."

"Wait!" cried Hannah. "I want to stay!"

"Not happening," said Konan, following close behind.

Zetsu came next, still trying to gnaw Hidan's hand off (I would say poor Hidan, but – as we all know – he deserved it).

"Wait!" wailed Erre. "Wait! Friends! Don't leave! Don't! Wait!"

He leapt at us – trying to tackle us to keep us from leaving. I looked at the giant white fur ball flying at us and screamed. We were all going to die!

Not.

Itachi kicked that white fur ball's ass like the badass he is.

Thanks, Itachi.

He says 'hn'. I think that means 'you're welcome'. I don't know. Well, anyways, I _know_ it doesn't mean 'I'm gay and horny for blue shark men'. (Someone beat Hidan up for that).

Anyways, with Itachi pounding Erre to pulp – like a badass – and the rest of us fleeing down the mountainside – like idiots – and Hannah screaming for her Hot Chocolate – like an addict – and me screaming about my baby – like a pregnant woman, we returned to Aram's house in style. And by that, I mean Akatsuki style.

Now, the only question was – where in the Dale were Leader, Tobi, Dessie, and Madara!?

* * *

**A/N: I have no excuse for my lack of updates. I actually planned on updating four hours earlier than this, but there was n emergency and then I had to go homecoming dress shopping (I look sexy in leather haha). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this update. I love Kisate almost as much as I love Hidan bashing. **

**REVIEW! Or... I can't really threaten you since I took so long to update, so instead I'll just cower under my desk in fear of the scoldings I'm going to get from you. **

**...**

**I love you!**


	48. Time For An Emotional Breakdown

**Chapter Forty-Eight: Time For An Emotional Breakdown**

**Hannah**

I ran my fingers through the steaming pool water. My skin looked pale and short of gray under the ripples.

We'd arrived at Aram's house about two hours ago and, after the celebratory reunion, we all headed to the baths for some good relaxation time. Kate, Konan Nerissa, and I were sitting in the women's bath. Kate, Konan, and Nerissa were chatting happily about some task she did. I listened vague for a minute and the returned to staring at my hand (I think this is a sign of Hot Chocolate withdrawal). Of course, that wasn't the thought running through my head at that time. Right then, all I could think was – I really am dead. There was steam rising from the water, but it didn't feel hot. It didn't feel like anything. Even when I was in the blistering winds of the mountains – it wasn't really _cold_. I just wanted it to be cold.

"Hannah?"

I tore my gaze away from my hands and glanced up. Kate was staring at me through frightened blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

I smiled. "Yeah. Did you know that my hand is really fascinating?"

Nerissa groaned. "She's lost it. Erre must have put something in the Hot Chocolate."

"Probably," I said.

Kate giggled. She paddled her arms through the hot water and propelled herself back into her seat. "I'm so excited! You're back!" She beamed at me. "All we have to do is find Dessie and we can all go back to the Fence!"

"It's not that simple," said Konan.

"Well, yeah," said Kate. "We have to finish all these crazy tasks – but we'll be fine with it. As long as Hannah's with us, we'll be fine!"

Konan smiled and nodded.

"You can stay with us as long as you want," said Nerissa. "You guys are so entertaining."

"Dessie will be happy," said Kate." She gets to spend more time with Aram."

Nerissa scowled. "My hubby is too popular with women."

"Dessie and Hidan are going to be together," said Konan eagerly. "It's been going for the past three years. If it goes on for much longer Kisame is probably going to throw them in a closet together."

"I wonder about that," said Kate, a smile crossing her face.

Konan tilted my head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"We'll see, we'll see," said Kate. "But soon Kisame the Love Guru and his helpful She- Cupid will be back at work." Kate gripped the edges of the pool and lifted herself out of the water. She held onto her stomach, which was getting quit large. She had to be far along in her pregnancy.

"You're getting big," said Nerissa.

Kate nodded and patted her stomach. "I'm approaching my eighth month."

"Eighth month?" I repeated. "You've only been in the Dale for a few weeks."

"Time works differently in the Dale," said Nerissa. "A week in the Dale is more like a month in the Fence."

I stared at Nerissa. Then my gaze slipped down to my hands in the water. "I've been dead for eight months."

"More like eleven."

I don't know how this next part happened. I really don't. I like to say that a bug flew into my eye. Or a bit of dust. Or some hot water. Something happened. Because I most certainly did not letteardropsstartfallingfrom myeyesandcrylikealittlegirlw ithnoemotionalstrengthwhatso ever.

"Hannah!" Kate hopped back into the bath and waded across. "Hannah, are you okay?"

"There's some dirt!" I snapped, pushing Kate away. "Damn dirt!"

Kate lifted her hands and stepped back. "Right, that dirt. It's everywhere."

"How dare you say my house is dirty!" cried Nerissa.

Kate turned around and shot Nerissa a Can-You-Read-The-Situation-A-Little-Better glare.

"Your house is spotless!" I aid between sniffles. "Except for that one speck of dust."

"Hannah! Why are you crying!? Did Kate make you cry!?"

"Kate would never make Hannah cry, she isn't capable of it."

My head jerked up. Kate spun around, searching for the source of the voices. We found the sources alright. Deidara and Kisame were leaning over the brick wall that separated the female bath from the male bath. Kisame was grinning at is, his blue hair dripping water down onto his face as he showed off his pointy white teeth. Deidara looked concerned, with his mop on blond hair falling into his eyes. I could only see the upper halves of their bodies since they were standing on something on the men's side.

Kate and I stared at the two guys for a few seconds, unable to compute what was going on. Five… Four… Three… Two… One…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to cover as much as I could. Kate tried to cover her chest and cross her legs, while Konan dove beneath the water.

"Kisame!" Kate wailed. "Don't look!"

"Does it matter?" asked Kisame. "I've seen it all already."

"What are we looking at?" Zetsu's face appeared over the wall next to Kisame's. He caught sight of me and frowned. Then he nodded once, and said, "I prefer women with small breasts.

I screamed I sunk deep into the water so only my face was visible. "Fuck you."

"Who are we fucking?" Hidan popped up next to Deidara. "Wow. Kate's getting fat."

Kate turned bright red and turned around so Hidan could only see her back. Kisame's face disappeared for a second. Hidan glanced over his shoulder – and, before he could protest, he was pulled down from the wall. There were several screams and pleas for mercy. Then the wailing stop and Kisame returned to his spot on the wall.

"Kisame took care of the idiot for you," I said, taking advantage of the moment to wipe the dust-induced-tears from my eyes.

"Why were you crying, Hannah, uhn?" asked Deidara.

I glared up at him. "There was some dust in my eye."

"Hannah cried?" Zetsu glanced around frantically.. "We can comfort you Hannah? Or we can eat the person who made you cry!"

"I didn't cry!" I wailed.

There was a splash and Konan resurfaced again, choking on the water. She sat up and looked about wildly. "Are they gone?"

Kisame whistled. "Leader's a lucky guy, Konan – just look at the rack."

Kate scowled at Kisame and he grinned sheepishly. "Though I prefer little petite blonds myself."

"Go away!" cried Konan, only her head visible from the water. "I _will_ paper cut you to death!"

Sasori's head appeared above the wall. " What are you saying about Konan?"

"Go away!"

"She's a little shy, Sasori," said Kisame. "But she's got nice curves."

Sasori stared at Kisame blankly. "Why would I care about that? I'm not Leader."

"Shut up!" cried Konan.

"The hour glass figure is good – but petites are better," said Kisame with a hasty grin in Kate's direction. "Though I guess Deidara and Zetsu prefer flat-as-a-washboard."

"I will kill you," said Konan. "I don't think death by paper cut is quite fitting. What would happen if I stuff wads and wads of paper down your throat and you choke on them?"

Kisame rubbed his throat and swallowed nervously. "I prefer paper cuts."

"I still want to know why Hannah was crying, uhn," said Deidara.

"Is that all you can think about!?" I wailed.

"Hannah wasn't crying." Kakuzu appeared on the wall just next to Sasori. He looked rather bored with the whole situation. "A bit of dust probably got in her eye."

"Thank you!" I cried. "At least someone understands me!"

"There isn't any dust in my house," said Nerissa flatly.

We all turned to face her. She was sitting on the edge of the pool with everything on display, completely uncaring as to who could see.

"Um… You're rather comfortable with all this," said Kate.

Nerissa shrugged. "It's not like they don't know what the female body looks like."

"Anatomy lessons for the win!" cried Kisame.

"Besides," said Nerissa. "I'm married to Aram."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

I regret that question.

"Aw, it's so nice of you to remember me."

I spun around. Aram, with his multicolored eyes and wet brown hair, was sitting in the bath with us, the water rippling around his abs.

"Aram!" screamed Kate. "Why are you in the women's bath!?"

"Because I wanted to see your beautiful," Aram glanced down at her chest, "Face."

Kate shuddered. "I feel violated."

"Don't look at her!" cried Kisame, trying to jump over the wall and failing miserably.

"You didn't mind when Deidara, Hidan, or Zetsu were looking!" cried Kate.

"Well, yeah," said Kisame. "Deidara and Zetsu only have eyes for Hannah. Hidan loves Dessie – even if he won't admit it. Sasori is only interested in puppets and Kakuzu… Who knows what Kakuzu is attracted to?"

"I'm not that bad," said Aram.

Kisame glowered at him. "You're a monster."

"You're one to talk," said Aram.

"You're a monster of the sexual persuasion. My poor Kate can't stand up to you."

"Maybe," said Aram. "But my Nerissa certainly can stand up to me."

"I have no problems beating you to a bloody pulp," said Nerissa.

Aram smiled fondly at her. "I know, love. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the view." He wriggled his eyebrows at me.

"I feel like I'm going to vomit," I said.

"But why did you cry?" asked Deidara.

"I didn't cry! There was du–"

Someone fell from the sky.

I'm not kidding. I was in the middle of protesting (because we all know I didn't cry) when there was this ungodly yell and someone came plummeting down. There was a massive splash – bath water sprayed in my face – and then a long, endless silence.

"What the hell!?" cried Hidan. He was sitting behind the wall with water and blood staining his face.

"We're under attack!" cried Deidara. "Arm yourselves! Kill it! Kill it! Uhn!"

"Shut up," said Konan, still trying to cover herself. "At least try and find out who it was before you kill him."

"I don't know," said Kakuzu. "Killing is usually the best option."

Nerissa stood on tiptoe and gazed out over the pool. "Ren…?"

The dark haired god of the Underworld resurfaced in the water. He grinned and brushed some hair out of his eyes. "Hey, Nerissa. How have you been, dear?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Nerissa.

Ren looked around until his eyes fell on me. One thought went through my mind: Oh crap.

"Princess Hannah! You're back!" Ren leapt across the pool and, before I could flee, flung his arms around my neck. "Princess Hannah! I've missed you so much! Oh Princess! There was a great hole in my heart where you ought to be!"

"Ren…" I said slowly.

Ren nuzzled my shoulder. "You shouldn't disappear like that! It hurts my heart! Princess! You don't want to hurt my heart, do you?"

"Ren."

"Don't treat me like that, Princess! Don't be so cold! The pain! The pain! It hurts so much! Princess don't do this to me! Don't ever leave me! I love you! I love you! Princess! But you left me! Does my love mean nothing? Of course it doesn't! Because you're so cold!"

"Ren, I'm naked right now."

Ren stopped screaming and stood there, his arms wrapped around my shoulders and his head pressed against my chest. "Oh." Ren stepped away awkwardly. "Sorry about that, Princess. I shouldn't touch such a sacred area."

_Whack_!

I glanced up. Standing behind Ren was Deidara and Zetsu. Deidara pounded his fist into the palm of his other hand and leered at Ren. Zetsu was grinding his teeth, undoubtedly wondering how best to eat a god.

"Was that really necessary?" I asked.

"He dared touch you, uhn," said Deidara. "He dared touch what I have only dreamed of touching."

"We will devour him until he cannot rise from the grave," said Zetsu.

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I stared at the two of them and then at Ren, who was lying in the water, not moving.

"Here you go."

I glanced to my right where Kakuzu was holding my frying pan out to me. I glanced at Kakuzu. A slow smile spread across my face and I accepted the frying pan. Still smiling, I turned to face Deidara and Zetsu. Neither one of them was paying any attention to me – they were preoccupied with figuring out how best to punish Ren. I gripped the frying pan handle and lifted it above my head. I beat them both over the head.

"What was that for, uhn!?" cried Deidara. "We were just protecting your boobs!"

I hit him over the head for a second time.

"Have you gotten stronger!?" cried Deidara. "That thing hurts more than before."

I stood there, on the edge of the pool, completely naked and gripping a frying pan. "Ren gave me a magical frying pan. Live with it." I turned to Zetsu. "Get me a towel."

Zetsu stared at me, unable to form proper words

"Zetsu…"

He sprinted across the floor surrounding the pool and grabbed me a white towel. I snatched the towel from him and quickly wrapped the towel around myself.

"Aw," said Aram, watching me avidly. "You're no fun."

I flipped him off. "You need Dessie here for some fun."

"I wonder where that girl is," said Aram thoughtfully.

He should never have said that. Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… Six… Five… Four… Three… Two… One… Zero.

"FUCK YEAH, BITCHES! RULING OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE – I'M SECONDS AWAY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, SUCK IT!"

"Shut up, idiot."

"MADA! YOU NEED TO SMILE MORE! HAPPY FACE! HAPPY FACE!"

"Don't touch my face!"

"I'M MAKING YOU SMILE!"

"I'll drop you!"

"Tobi wants to play! Tobi wants to play!"

"If the both of you don't shut up, I'll rip your tongues out of your mouths and use them for our mantelpiece in the hideout."

Four figures stepped through the entrance to the baths. Leader was looking particularly disgruntled, while Tobi was jumping up and down excitedly. But the most shocking thing – to this very day I still can't believe what I saw – Madara was piggybacking and overly enthusiastic Dessie.

What the hell happened!?

* * *

**A/N: This was fun to write, so I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. I kind of multitasked while writing this - write a paragraph, work on college applications, write a paragraph, work on college applications. I'm going to TRY and update once a week. My life is kind of insane, but I will try.**

**Also, check out the fanart (I have links to it on my profile page) and someone made a movie trailer for Kisame the Love Guru - it's on youtube! Go check it out! And don't forget to comment.**

**Finally, review or Konan will stuff wads of paper down your throat until you choke and DIE! **


	49. One Of Those Talents

**Chapter Forty-Nine: One Of Those Talents**

**Dessie**

"You drank all the coffee."

"Well, duh."

We were standing by the refreshments table of the WABAA meeting. Warg and Jashin were standing by the cookies laughing as Tobi was being Tobi. All amusement came to a halt when Deto discovered Madara had drunk all the coffee. Deto had whipped out his gun and tried to blow Madara's head off, but Rev managed to restrain Deto – reminding him of the goal of WABAA – violence is not the answer! But the coffee deprived Fer stepped in and, well, things were just going downhill from there.

"Madara," I said, poking him tentatively in the shoulder. "I don't think you should piss off the gods."

"They can make their own coffee. It's not hard."

Fer twitched. "You insolent prick." Her lifted his right hand and – out of nowhere – he was armed with a giant battle axe. He lifted the axe above his head and bared his teeth at Madara. "I'm going to fucking rip you to shreds, until coffee pours out of you instead of blood!"

"Tobi doesn't like that image."

Fer didn't care what Tobi liked or not – he simply attacked Madara. Madara drew his sword and blocked the axe with ease. Fer kicked Madara in the gut and the evil criminal mastermind flew across the room and slammed into the wall opposite.

"Mada!" I cried.

Fer lifted his awe and grinned maniacally. "Die, you puny human!"

"Oh _hell_ no." I kicked Fer in the balls.

"Ah!" Fer's eyes bulged out of his head. He dropped his axe and stood there for a moment, clutching his nuts. Then, slowly, he sunk to the ground, groaning in pain.

"Was that really necessary?"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Madara walking across the room, wiping some debris from the wall off his right shoulder.

"He was being a dick," I said.

"I could have handled him."

"Sure, you could have."

"You bitch!" cried Deto, pushing Rev off him. "How could you do that to Fer! Do you have no respect for the male reproductive organs!?"

"She really doesn't," said Leader.

Deto pointed his gun at me. "I'll kill you, you ugly bitch."

I punched Deto in the face.

"What happened to not pissing off the gods?" asked Madara.

"Shut up!" I cried. "He called me ugly! You should never call a woman ugly, unless she actually is ugly. Then it's okay. But if that woman is as sexy as me – you should _never_ call her ugly!"

"Deto!" wailed SooSoo, rushing to his side. "Are you okay? Did she hurt you?"

"Why don't you cry over me too?" groaned Fer, clutching his precious junk.

"Shut up," said SooSoo. "Deto! Your nose! Your nose! It's crooked!"

Deto sat up, pushing SooSoo off of him. He clutched his nose with his right hand and jerked the nose to the side. There was a sickening crack as his nose went back into place. Then, Deto got to his feet and stared at me. "Bitch," he said. "I'm going to blow your head off."

I gripped my weapon and grinned. "Try me."

Deto fired the first shot – and the fight was on. I could give you all the details of my fight with Deto, but that would get pretty boring after a while. So, instead, I'll tell you how the rest of the Akatsuki got involved.

"She's at it again," said Leader with an additional sigh for effect.

"Who do you think is going to win?" asked Warg.

"My money's on Deto," said Jashin. "He _is_ the god of guns."

"Dessie," said Madara. "She's too big of a bitch to lose."

SooSoo stood to the side, punching the air and crying, "Come on, Deto! Scratch her eyes out! Blow her brains out! Kill her! Just don't turn her into a ghost! Bloody her up! Break her bones! Kill her! Kill her! Whoo! Deto!"

"Tobi doesn't want Dessie-Nunu to die!" cried Tobi.

Madara yawned. "I want more coffee."

"_Where are you putting it_!?" cried Fer, leaping to his feet.

Madara blinked. "Putting what?"

"All that coffee!"

"I haven't drunk that much coffee."

Fer's left eye twitched. He screamed and proceeded to try and hack Madara to little pieces with his godly axe. Madara, to be honest, seemed more bored with the situation than actually threatened by Fer. Madara actually looked kind of cool fighting with his katana… Damn it! It's only because Madara is related to Itachi! That's the only reason I could ever think of him as a badass! He's related to Itachi!

"Yes," said Leader (plus sigh). "Because Dessie trying to hack up everything in sight isn't enough, Madara has to try too."

"Those idiots!" cried SooSoo, on the verge of tears. "Don't make ghosts! Killing is not right! Don't you know the pain and suffering to war ghosts!"

"She was totally into it a minute ago," said Jashin.

"Two faced bitch," said Warg, nodding. "My girl would never be so two faced."

Jashin nodded. "Loyal to the bone."

"Tobi understands SooSoo!" cried Tobi, racing across the room to grab SooSoo by the hand. "Tobi doesn't like fighting either! SooSoo understands Tobi!"

SooSoo screamed and wrenched her hand out of Tobi's grasp. "Who is the psycho!?"

"You're one to talk," said Jashin, leaning back against the refreshments table.

"Nice one," said Warg. He high-fived Jashin.

"SooSoo-Nunu is being mean!" wailed Tobi.

She stared. "Nunu?"

Tobi nodded. "Nunu."

"Noo-noo?"

"Nunu."

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME!" SooSoo tried to scratch Tobi's eyes out, but his orange mask got in the way. SooSoo screamed and fell flat on her face. Tobi stared at her for a second and then doubled over with laughter.

"SooSoo-Nunu looks so funny! Tobi is amused!"

And, well, you can imagine that SooSoo tried _very hard_ to kill Tobi after that. As much as I would love to tell you that she succeeded – she didn't. And that's the reason why we're still stuck with Tobi today. Thanks a lot, SooSoo.

"And now it's just you and me."

Mamorden stood with his hands on his hips (Let's just take a moment to appreciate the hotness of that pose). Leader stared at Mamorden blankly.

"Are you talking to me?" Leader asked nonchalantly.

"Of course I'm talking to you!" cried Mamorden (still hot, even when he's yelling like an idiot). "Who else would I be talking to!?"

Leader glanced over his shoulder at Jashin and Warg. He turned back to Mamorden and shrugged. "Don't know."

Mamorden opened his mouth and then closed it again. He stared at Leader for a minute and then sighed. "Let's just fight already."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes."

Leader sighed. "Fine. Come at me."

Mamorden smiled and spread his arms. Point objects sprung out of him, flying in all directions. Leader dove beneath the refreshments table at the last second, cowering as pointing objects embedded themselves in the table top. Leader peeked out from beneath the table and saw Mamorden laughing.

"I forgot how good this feels!" cried Mamorden.

Leader stared. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a seriously disturbing obsession with pointy objects?"

Mamorden stopped laughing and turned to stare at Leader. "No. Why?"

"You have a seriously disturbing obsession with pointy objects!"

Mamorden laughed.

"No! No! No!" Rev stepped between Leader and Mamorden, shaking his head and waving his arms. "This is not allowed! Think of everything you've worked for! WABAA! You can fight the urge! Fight the addiction! Fight!"

Mamorden pushed Rev out of the way. "Move it, shorty." (Ohmyfuckinggod, he's so hot!) And then Mamorden proceeded to try to stick Leader like a pincushion.

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Rev ran between the battles screaming at the top of his lungs. "Stop!"

Warg grabbed Rev by the wrist and pulled him to the refreshments table. Rev stood between Warg and Jashin, a full head shorter than the two of them, looking ready to wet himself.

"Calm down," said Warg, patting Rev on the shoulder. "Relax. Watch and enjoy the bloodshed."

"And make bets on it if you can," added Jashin.

Rev has the weird expression on his face – somewhere between disgust and fear.

So that where we were. I was fighting Deto (that crazy gun guy), Madara was dominating Fer (Damn it, Madara, stop looking so cool!), Tobi was wailing about how mean SooSoo-Nunu was, and Leader was dodging Mamorden's pointy objects (why is Mamorden so hot?). Of course, all this fighting couldn't last forever – no matter how fun it is.

"You bitch!" cried Deto, his guns firing in all direction. "I'll kill you! I'll blow you to pieces! I'll destroy you so your existence is nothing more than a footnote on history's ass!"

I dove behind a chair just as Deto launched another wave of bullets. I don't like fighting long range people. They make it fucking difficult to crack their skulls in! The moment the spray of bullets stopped, I leapt up and threw the chair at Deto's head. He dodged it – but missed the chance to avoid my punch. BAM! Win for Dessie!

And then some bitch by the same of SooSoo whacked me over the head.

"Ow!"

"Don't hurt Deto!" she cried. "Or the war ghosts will rise up and devour your soul!"

"What?"

SooSoo lifted her hands into the air. Her hair changed color to pitch black and her eyes burned a deep red. Suddenly, from the ground below, a gray, ghastly hand sprung forth and grabbed me by the ankle. I stared at the hand. Another one rose from the ground and grabbed my other leg. I stared. A pale faced man emerged from the floor and stood before me. I stared. He stared back through pale eyes. He reached out and tried to take me by the throat.

"What the hell?" I cried, trying to push his hand away. My fingers passed through his silver arm as though he was made of air. I stared. "What the fucking hell!?"

"The ghosts of war curse you," said SooSoo, her voice deep and demonic.

"Fuck no! Fuck no! Fuck no! Fuck no!" I struggled desperately against the ghostly hands that held onto my legs, but I couldn't move. "Hey, bitch! No! I didn't do anything! He attacked me first!"

"SooSoo-Nunu is attacking Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi. "That's it! SooSoo is no longer a Nunu!"

SooSoo's head snapped around for her to glare at Tobi. "I never wanted to be a Nunu!"

"Everyone wants to be a Nunu!" cried Tobi.

"No!"

_Whack_.

SooSoo's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed on the floor. Her hair changed back to its normal color and the ghosts disappeared. I gasped for air and rubbed my throat.

"What a bitch," I said.

Madara stepped over SooSoo's body. "You pissed off the goddess of war ghosts, what did you expect?"

"She attacked me because I punched her boyfriend."

"I don't think they're dating."

"So she attacked me because I punched her imaginary boyfriend – that's even worse!"

Madara rolled his eyes. "You're an idiot."

"SooSoo! SooSoo! SooSoo!"

Fer was kneeling over his fallen love's body. His head jerked up and – through the tears in his eyes – he cried, "You killed her! You killed SooSoo!"

"Hardly," said Madara. "She's immortal."

Fer wasn't listening. "You killed her! I'll kill you! I'll crush you skull with my axe and watch your blood leak out and I'll film it and show it to all your enemies so we can laugh about how pathetic you are all together! And we'll talk about your embarrassing moments and how stupid you are and and and we don't like you!"

Madara blinked. "Um… Okay."

I raised my hand into the air. "Can I come?"

"No!"

"Aw…"

Fer picked up his axe and lighted it into the air. He charged forward at Madara and me. Madara dodged easily, while I threw myself backwards, tripping over the chair I had thrown at Deto earlier. I landed on my back and twisted around just in time to see Fer about to take my head off. I aimed for his balls – but he dodge at the last second.

"Bitch, hit me once, shame on me – hit me twice – never!"

I leapt up and grabbed my spike. "Come at me again, god, and we'll see how touch your balls really are."

Fer smiled – and leapt at Madara. That might have actually worked, if Madara wasn't such a badass. Even with the surprise attack, Madara easily blocked the axe with his katana and spent Fer stumbling across the room. Fer slammed into the wall before regaining his balance while Madara came to stand next to me.

"I made you look bad, didn't I?" Madara smirked at me.

"Shut up – we can't all be sexy Uchihas."

"Oh?" Madara tilted his head to the side. "So you think I'm sexy?"

"You're an Uchiha, of course you're sexy. You're just not as sexy as Itachi or Sasuke. Shame. You're genetics got better with time."

Madara grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and lifted me off the ground so the tips of my toes scraped against the floor. I struggled desperately, but Madara kept a firm grip. He leaned forward and grinned.

"I can always use you as a meat shield."

"You wouldn't dare," I murmured.

"Watch."

Fer lunged across the room at us. Madara held me out in front of him, waiting for Fer's attack. I screamed and grabbed my spike. Fer flew at me – I thrust out the spike – and it drove through him.

Silence seemed to stretch through the room.

Fer gasped as stared down at the spike, and then up at me. The bright gold blood of the gods dripped from his wound.

"Oops," I said.

"You bitch," cried Fer, stepping away from me. "You actually managed to w–"

Madara cut off Fer's head.

I'm not kidding. One moment Madara was using me as a meat shield, and the next he was behind Fer, swinging his katana and sending Fer's head flying across the room – spraying gold blood in all directions. I just stood there, my mouth moving soundlessly.

Fer's head landed on the floor beneath the coffee machine.

"Mada!" I cried, turning just in time to see Madara sheath his katana. "You can't solve the world's problems by cutting off heads!"

"Why not?" asked Madara.

I opened my mouth to respond and then stopped. I considered this and then shrugged. "I don't know. Carry on."

Madara grinned and crossed the room. Fer's head glared at us.

"That was rude," said Fer. "You're not allowed to do that! No cutting off heads while no one's looking!"

Madara picked up Fer's magical axe and tested its weight. "Seems pretty good."

"Put that down!" cried Fer. "That's mine!"

"Is it?" Madara glanced at the head. "I didn't know."

I giggled and bounded over the Madara's side. "Can I see?"

"No." He pulled the axe out of my reach.

I scowled. "Hey, Porcupine – sharing is caring."

"All the more reason for me not to share," said Madara.

I jumped up and tried to snatch the axe from his hands, but Madara pushed me out of the way. I kicked him in the shin and snatched the axe. Madara lunged for the axe, but I pulled it over my head and out of his range – only to find that the axe was heavier than I expected. Oops. I kind of dropped it. I kind of dropped it on Fer's severed head. Squish. I think I kind of killed him.

The room was dead silent.

Jashin and Warg were gaping at us while Rev had turned pure white and had started hyperventilating. SooSoo had stopped wailing over the injured Deto. Leader and Tobi had been in the middle of a fight with the insane Mamorden. Tobi had frozen – holding back Maorden's arms – while Leader had been around to throw one of Mamorden's pointy spears in the god's face. Everyone stared.

I glanced around the room. First at Leader. Then at Jashin and Warg. Then at Madara.

"Is… he… dead…?"

Madara slowly knelt down beside the squished head of Fer. He poked the bloody remains suspiciously. "I think he is."

It took a few seconds to register.

Five…

Four…

Thee…

Two…

One…

"Hells yeah, bitches!" I thrust my fist into the air and danced around the almight axe. "I killed a god! I killed a god! Suck it! You want to kill a god – but you _didn't_! Because I'm so fucking epic! Suck it, bitches!"

Madara coughed. "And who cut off the god's head?"

I stuck my tongue out. "Fine. You can say you helped." I giggled. "Mada and I fucking killed a god! We killed a _god_! Hell yeah!"

Leader facepalmed. "That would be your reaction."

"You… You… You… killed a god." Rev was spluttering over the words.

"Well, duh!" I cried. "That's what I've been screaming about! Did you not see the axe fall or something?"

"You killed a god." SooSoo got to her feet. She wasn't looking at me at first. But then, slowly, she lifted her head. Her red eyes met mine and I swear – she started to fucking glow! "Bitch!" she screamed. "Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!" And then all hell broke loose. Literally. SooSoo is the goddess of war ghosts – she raised every single fucking war ghost around and set them all on Madara and me.

Cue the screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Dessie! Calm down!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Leader groaned. "Shut up."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Dessie-Nunu! Tobi will save you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_WHACK_!

Madara beat me over the head. My screaming stopped and I turned to stare at him, rubbing the top of my head. "What the hell was that for?"

Madara sliced apart some zombie war soldiers with his katana. "You were giving me a headache."

I stabbed a zombie through the forehead. "But it's fucking scary!"

"Live with it."

"Demons! Demons! Demons of Roundness! I will smite you all!"

Madara and I turned to see Mamorden standing on top of the refreshments table. He lifted his arms into the air and threw thousands of pointy objects at us and the zombie war soldiers.

"WAH! He's crazy!" I dove behind the zombie soldiers to shield myself from the pointy objects. "He's crazy than me! That isn't allowed! Not allowed!"

"He's not crazier than you," said Madara. "That title is completely your own."

"But he has pointy objects!"

The rain of weapons stopped and Madara pulled me back to my feet as we continued hacking zombies to pieces. Slice this one's hand off. Stab this one in the throat. Dodge this one's teeth. Stab him in the mouth. Punch that one in the stomach. Rip that one's head off. Stab that one in the eye. And make sure this one doesn't tear your heart out.

"Dessie."

I glanced over my shoulder and Madara, who was standing on top of a pile of severed zombie heads. "What?"

"You're bleeding."

"Huh?"

I glanced down and – sure enough – embedded in my right thigh, just above my knee, was a foot long knife. Blood was gushing from the wound, running down my leg and polling on the floor around me. I stared at the knife for a minute and then looked up at Madara. "Would you look at that."

Madara rolled his eyes. He jumped off his pile of zombie heads and landed on the ground in front of me – with one sweep of his katana, he cleared the area (damn him and his awesome ninja skills).

"Need help?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Who the fuck do you take me for? Kate? I'm not pregnant!"

"You have a knife sticking out of your leg."

I kicked my leg into the air so that Madara had a clear view of the knife. "Here you go. Take it out."

"You sure?"

"Fuck yes! Take the damn thing out since you're so worried!"

Madara gripped the handle of the knife and wrenched the thing out of my leg.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOHMYFUCKIN GGODSWHYTHEHELLDOESTHISHURTS OMUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH!"

Madara gripped the knife and stabbed a zombie in the forehead with it. "You're being a baby."

"PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BACK! OH MY GODS IT HURTS! PUT IT BACK!"

"The knife?"

"PUT IT BACK!"

"That zombie just ran off with it."

"I DON'T CARE! GO GET IT BACK!"

Madara shrugged. "If you insist." Her started going after the zombie, but I grabbed his shoulder and dragged him back to my side.

"Don't fuck with me! Help! It hurts! It's bleeding! Ah!"

"You're immortal, aren't you? So it's not a big deal." (Madara severed a few more zombie heads)

"It's a big deal! It's a big deal! It really, really, really hurts!"

"But I'm getting the knife back so we can put it back in." (Zombie heads go flying)

"Then take me with you!"

Madara stared at me for a second before slicing off a few more heads. "How am I going to do that? You can't walk."

I held out my arms towards Madara. "Piggyback me!"

"Hell no."

"Mada!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Using my good leg, I jumped onto Madara's back. He promptly tried to drop me, but I clung on top his neck for dear life.

"Don't bully an injured person!" I wailed.

"You're bleeding all over me."

"A little blood never hurt anyone!"

"That's more than a little blood."

"Let's go get my knife and put it back in!"

We were about to run through the hordes of zombies in search of my precious knife, but before Madara could take a step, zombie corpses started flying in all directions as Jashin and Warg forced their way into the center of the fight. A hole had appeared around us as the zombies were thrown backwards with Jashin and Warg's awesome powers.

"Found you!" cried Jashin, pointing eagerly.

"Took us long enough," said Warg.

Leader and Tobi stepped out from behind the two gods. Leader crossed his arms and glowered at us. "You two really know how to fuck things up."

I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. "It's a special talent."

Tobi raised his hand into the air. "Why is Madara-senpai piggybacking Dessie-Nunu?"

"I really don't want to know," said Leader.

I stuck my bleeding leg out for all to see and Madara staggered under the shift in balance. "I'm wounded – see?"

"I don't care," said Leader.

"Asshole," I muttered to Madara.

Three figures leapt into the zombie-free circle. SooSoo looked just as pissed off as ever, while Deto was brandishing his guns and muttering under his breath about which one of us he should kill first. Mamorden was just ready with another rain shower of pointy objects. All three of them leered at us, ready to murder us all in the most brutal ways.

"Hey," said Jashin, waving. "What's up?"

"We'll kill you all," said SooSoo. "How dare you help those god-murdering bastards."

"They're a lot more fun than you are," said Warg, shrugging.

"And more awesome," I added.

"Shut up," said Leader. "I'm mad at you. If you speak one more time I will rip all your hair out of your head and then use it to tie the noose that I will use to strangle you."

I swallowed and rubbed my neck nervously.

"We're leaving," said Warg.

"We'll hunt you," said SooSoo.

"And blast you to pieces," said Deto, pointing his gun at Warg's head.

"It will be war!" Mamorden cackled delightedly.

I swear Leader just about beat him head on the nearest hard surface. "Dessie! How many wars do you have to start!?"

"But, but, but, Leader!" I cried. "Mada and I killed a _god_. That's fucking awesome!"

Leader turned to Deto. "Can I burrow one of your guns so I can kill her?"

"I can kill her for you," said Deto.

Leader considered it.

"Okay!" I cried. "We were in the middle of _leaving_!"

"I don't know," said Madara. "I'm kind of liking this turn of events."

SooSoo tried to stop us from leaving, but Jashin leapt in between us and the gods. I don't think I know the words to describe the awesomeness of a god's battle. But Warg handed us a golden ring with a red gem in the middle (one of Aram's little teleportation devices). There was a flash of red light – Jashin and Warg faded into nothingness. And before we knew it, we were standing outside of a hot spring.

I looked around. No crazy SooSoo. No crazy Deto. No crazy Mamorden. Safe.

Grinning from ear to ear, I stretched myself skyward, my legs wrapped around Madara's waist, and raised my arms towards the sky. As loud as I possibly could, I screamed, "FUCK YEAH, BITCHES! RULING OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE – I'M SECONDS AWAY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, SUCK IT!"

"Shut up, idiot." Madara pretended to drop me. I clung to his back in panic.

"MADA! YOU NEED TO SMILE MORE! HAPPY FACE! HAPPY FACE!" I grabbed his cheeks and tried to morph his grim expression into a smile.

"Don't touch my face!"

"I'M MAKING YOU SMILE!" I shrieked with laughter.

"I'll drop you!"

I threw my head back and let out a bark of laughter. Keeping my arms wrapped around his neck, I added in an undertone, "You wouldn't dare."

"Watch me."

And then the idiot in an orange mask bounced up next to us, screaming, "Tobi wants to play! Tobi wants to play!"

"If the both of you don't shut up, I'll rip your tongues out of your mouths and use them for our mantelpiece in the hideout."

And I think that brings us back to the present.

* * *

**A/N: This was long... Oh well, I managed to update once this week. Let me see, check out fanarts, link on my profile page. Check out youtube video of Kisame the Love Guru (link on profile page). I will try and update once next week. **

**Also, REVIEW OF LEADER WILL RIP OUT YOUR HAIR, MAKE IT INTO A ROPE, AND USE THE ROPE TO LOWER YOU INTO A PIT OF SOOSOO'S ZOMBIES WHILE MADARA AND DESSIE WATCH WITH A BOWL OF POPCORN!**


	50. The Leader Of The Akatsuki

**Chapter Fifty: The Leader of the Akatsuki**

**Kate**

There's this funny feeling inside my stomach. I don't have a name for it, but there's this funny feeling. It's… uncomfortable. Like a flashback to when I was five years old and my neighbor stole my favorite teddy bear. I don't like it. But, looking at the situation right now… I think Madara might be my new teddy bear.

Dessie's arms were wrapped around Madara's neck and her legs tightly gripped his waist. She was laughing maniacally while a smug smirk crossed Madara's face. They seemed to be having fun.

"What the hell happened?" asked Kakuzu, hopping over the wall.

"I have no idea," said Hannah.

Leader, Tobi, Dessie, and Madara had just entered through the wooden archway into Aram's baths. The Akatsuki hopped over the wall separating the women's baths and the men's (thankfully the Akatsuki guys all had swim trunks on). Hannah had a towel wrapped around her, while I was still sitting naked in the bath while a perverted Aram kept assessing me and Nerissa kept glaring at me. Could this situation get any more awkward? Yes, yes, it could. Madara was piggybacking Dessie and… and I think I was a little jealous.

"Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi. He sprinted over to Hannah and tried to fling his arms around her. Hannah pushed Tobi to the side. "What happened to you?"

Dessie beamed. "I killed a god!"

Madara coughed.

"And Mada helped."

"Mada?" Hidan gaped at them.

"Aren't you two getting kind of close?" asked Kisame.

Dessie laughed and ruffled Madara's spiky hair fondly. "That's what comes when you get puked out of a worm, buried in collapsed tunnel, and attacked by zombies together."

"Desperate situations lead to desperate measures," said Madara.

Dessie pouted. "You're calling befriending me a desperate measure?"

"Yep."

She whacked him over the head. "Bad horsie."

"I'll drop you."

"Why are you carrying her?" asked Kakuzu.

"Mamorden, the god of pointy objects, decided to stick a very pointy knife in my leg," said Dessie.

"Shouldn't that be healed by now?" I asked.

"Eh?" Dessie glanced down at her leg, which was covered in dried blood. "So it is."

Madara immediately dropped her. Dessie landed one the floor with a heavy _crack_. She hopped right back up. "Mada! How dare you! Our friendship is _over_!"

"Big loss," said Madara, shrugging.

"That's it!" cried Dessie. "I'm now demoting you to acquaintance!"

"Well, that lasted a long time," said Kisame.

"It's Dessie and Madara," said Kakuzu. "How long did you think it was going to last?"

"Their friendship lasted longer than Hidan and Dessie's relationship, uhn," said Deidara.

"Speaking of Hidan," said Dessie. "You will never guess who we met! Guess! Guess! Actually, you'll never guess so I'm just going to tell you! We met Jashin and Warg! They were so cool! And Warg was lie—Dessie, you shouldn't be a Jashinist nay more, I'll make you a deal—You convert back to Wargism, I'll still make you immortal, you run around saying Jashin sucks and Warg rocks, how does that sound? I'm not stupid—so I'm Wargist now." Dessie paused for a breath and then added, "Jashin sucks and Warg rocks!"

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

Five…

Hidan: WHAT THE FUCK? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHY WASN'T I THERE?

Deidara: Dessie changes religion like a girl changes clothes…

Hidan: JASHIN! I'VE BEEN HIS DEVOTED SERVANT FOR YEARS AND YEARS—WHY DOES HE APPEAR BEFORE THAT TRAITOROUS BITCH AND NOT ME!?

Kisame: That's it! Any relationship between Hidan and Dessie is doomed.

Hidan: THAT'S IT! NO MORE SACRIFICES FOR JASHIN FOR AT LEAST A MONTH OR A WEEK OR JUST MAYBE I'LL MAKE A SACRIFICE RIGHT NOW!

Konan: Where are Hidan and Dessie going to have their wedding!?

Hidan: JASHIN! JASHIN! JASHIN! DID YOU AT LEAST GET HIS AUTOGRAPH!?

Hannah: Urg…Make up your mind already?

Hidan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAF UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKYOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Kakuzu: You should have asked for money.

Hidan: IWANNAMEETJASHINIT'SNOTFAIRYOU'REABITCHYOUDIDN'TEVENGETANAUTOGRAPH.

Tobi: Tobi thinks Hidan's head is going to explode.

Hidan: I'M GOING TO WRING YOUR NECK AND SLICE OPEN YOUR CHEST AND TAKE YOUR HEART OUT AND EAT IT FOR DINNER RAW AND I'LL SKEWER YOUR LIVER LIKE IT HAS NEVER BEEN SKEWERED BEFORE.

Deidara: Kaboooom goes Hidan's head, uhn.

Hidan: I HATE YOU ALL! GO TO HELL!

Ren: Someone needs to take a chill pill.

Hidan: JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA! JASHIN-SAMA!

Hannah: Excuse me for a second.

Hannah got a frying pan and whacked Hidan over the head with it. "Okay," she said. "He shut up."

Deidara inspected Hidan's fallen body carefully. "I think you broke him, uhn."

"Good." Hannah turned around to face Leader. "So what happened while you were gone—besides Dessie's bipolar religion?"

"A lot…" said Leader.

"That doesn't say anything," said Konan, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Really?" said Leader, glancing to the side. "It's not like anything that exciting happened… Jashin and Warg... The usual…"

"Madara the Acquaintance and I got eaten by a giant worm," said Dessie.

"Leader…" said Hannah slowly.

"Yes?" Leader smiled at Hannah. "How are you?"

"Leader…"

"Jashin and Warg took Tobi to a War and Blood Addicts Anonymous meeting where Madara drank all their coffee and the addicts got upset so Tobi got into a fight with the gods and Dessie accidentally killed one and then they declared war on the Fence!" cried Tobi.

…

"YOU DID WHAT?" screamed Konan.

Leader squeaked and cowered behind Madara. "Tobi!" he shouted. "I'm going to _kill_ you!"

"Tobi was just answering Hannah-Nunu and Konan's question! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Then why the hell are you in the Akatsuki?" asked Leader.

"Because Tobi loves the Akatsuki."

"Face it!" shouted Leader. "Tobi is a bad boy. Tobi is a very bad boy."

Tobi stood there for a moment, staring at Leader. Then, a haunted look crossed hhis mask. Tobi let out an ear-shattering screamed and collapsed to the ground in tears. "Tobi… Tobi is a good boy. Tobi is a good boy. Tobi is. He is. He is. He is. He is."

"Aw, poor Tobi." I rushed to Tobi's side and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "Poor Tobi." I glared at Leader. "Shame on you! You made Tobi cry!"

"That's quite an accomplishment," said Kisame. "Tobi's usually Mr. Happy."

Deidara nodded. "I'm kind of in awe of Leader right now, uhn."

"So that's why he's the leader of the Akatsuki," said Aram. "He can make Tobi cry. That's an amazing ability." (Nerissa whacked her husband over the back of the head).

"No wonder Leader is so amazing and terrifying that he can head the most feared criminal organization in the universe!" cried Ren, clapping his hands together. "So cool! So cool!"

"What's cool about making Tobi cry!?" I wailed.

"Because it's Tobi," said Hidan. "It's kind of funny when he cries."

"You're kind of fucked up," said Dessie.

Hidan grinned. "That's why you dated me."

"Okay!" said Kisame, clapping his hands together and pointing in between Hidan and Dessie. "How are they _not_ going to end up together? On my name as the Love Guru, I _will_ get the drunk and married in a church one day!"

"I will not marry in a church," said Hidan and Dessie in unison. They paused and then added, "I will not marry him/her!"

"Gods damn it!" cried Kisame. "It's true love!"

"Um…" Aram raised his hand in the air.

"I agree," I said. "Dessie and Hidan are pretty perfect for each other."

Konan blinked. "Weren't you the one singing a different tune earlier?"

"What? No I wasn't. What are you talking about?" I laughed awkwardly.

"Um…" Aram waved his hand about.

"Kate's going back on her words?" cried Kisame. "What? Why?"

"I'm not!" I cried.

"Um…" Aram waved his arm and jumped up and down. "We have an impending crisis…"

"Kate! Why? I've been nothing but faithful to you!" Kisame clasped my hands. "You're the only woman I've truly loved—how could you do this to me?"

"What? Wait!"

"What about the big breasted women at the brothels, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"I didn't _love _them!" cried Kisame.

"Hey! Wait!"

"Impending crisis anyone?"

"Hn."

Kisame waved a hand at Itachi. "Itachi—shush! Kisame is working on his relationship here!"

"Hn." Itachi crossed his arms and rolled his eyes (that was the most badass eye roll I have ever seen).

Nerissa sighed and patted her husband on the shoulder. "Let me show you how it's done—OH MY HUSBAND! LOOK AT _THAT_!"

"What?

The argument came to screeching halt. Everyone spun around wildly, trying to figure out what Nerissa was pointing at.

"What are you talking about?" asked Deidara. "What are we looking at?'

Nerissa clapped her husband on the shoulder. "Take it away from here, baby."

Aram grinned and slapped his wife on the butt. "Thanks—I knew I married you for a reason." He turned to the Akatsuki (and Ren) and said, "The gods are coming to kill us."

"_What_?"

"Yeah," said Aram. "They're kind of almost here."

"Aram!" cried Dessie. "Why did you tell us earlier!?"

Aram groaned. "You're all idiots."

"They're coming to avenge Fer!" Dessie screamed.

"This is your fault," said Madara.

"You wanted credit for killing him—here you go!" Dessie jumped up and down and pointed wildly at Madara. "It's his fault! It's all his fault! I had nothing to do with it!"

Hannah sighed and slapped her hand to her face. "She's an idiot."

"Yeah," said Kakuzu. "Are you just figuring that out?"

"How many gods are coming to kill us?" asked Leader.

Aram frowned for a second, concentrating on something far away. "Two hundred and thirteen…"

…

"We're going to die! We're going to die! We're going to _die_!" wailed Deidara.

"It's okay, Kate!" cried Kisame, scooping me up into his arms. "No matter how many men you've cheated on me with, I'll still protect you and the baby up until my last breath!"

"Me? Cheating?" I asked, clinging to his shoulders in case he dropped me. "Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm even capable of cheating!?"

Kisame paused to consider. "Good point. You'd probably blush a lot when a guy even said he liked you and stammer about how you're already in a relationship with a blue, buff guy who will beat the shit out of anyone who tries to touch you."

"Well," I said. "Maybe I wouldn't phrase it like that…"

Kisame grinned. "I'm satisfied."

"As much as I love hearing about your dramatic relationship," said Sasori. "We're kind of about to be attacked by two hundred and thirteen gods."

"Yeah," said Kisame. "That might be a problem."

"_You think_!?"

* * *

**A/N: This is one of those transition chapters - which is why it took me so long to update. I never wanted to write it, though I had some fun. How many shippings can RW put in one chapter? Well, the reason I haven't updated is also because I'm doing NaNoWriMo. But, guess what, it's THANKSGIVING break. FREEDOM! I actually got more than 8 hours of sleep last night. For the first time in a MONTH! ...God, my life sucks.**

**REVIEW! Because it's thanksgiving...**


	51. Sooner Than Soon

**Chapter Fifty-One: Sooner Than Soon**

**Hannah**

The pregnant Kate wanted nothing to do with the fighting when the gods arrived. So, Nerissa decided to wait with Kate in the safe room at the center of Aram and Nerissa's mansion (apparently the gods have _a lot_ of wars). So with Kate safe and sound, the rest of us prepared for the fight. Aram was still whining about how we were going to destroy him beloved house (it's true). We all found stations around the house where we would fight the attacking gods. From what I remember, Aram was on the roof with Leader and Konan. Dessie, Zetsu, Hidan, and Itachi were in the front yard. Sasori, Deidara, Ren and I were in the back yard. Madara, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Tobi were inside the house.

I don't really know what went on with the other groups, but from the stories I was told before the gods arrived Hidan tried to convince Dessie to convert back to Jashinism while Zetsu got sick of listening to Hidan and tried to eat Hidan's right root. Itachi just stood around looking badass as always. Inside the house, Kakuzu kept trying to steal Aram's valuables and Tobi threatened to tattle on him. Kakuzu ignored Tobi and kept stealing, so Tobi slapped Kakuzu. Kisame tried to stop Kakuzu from murdering Tobi and Madara got sick of all of them and blew a hole in the side of the house. On the roof, Konan was still pissed at Leader for letting Dessie start another war—which meant Leader was in for the paper cut of his life. Then Aram chased Konan (who was chasing Leader) around the roof, trying to stop her from murdering the almighty leader of the Akatsuki. Basically, we started the war before the enemy actually arrived.

"Princess Hannah… Princess Hannah… Princess Hannah…"

"What!?"

Ren beamed and then flung his arms around my shoulders. "I missed you, Princess Hannah!"

Boom!

An explosive went off inches from my ear. I shrieked and pushed Ren off me. I spun around to see Deidara glowering at Ren.

"Don't get too familiar, god, uhn."

I grabbed Deidara by the ear and shook his head about violently. "Deidara—don't—ever—do—that—again—or—I—will—not—hesitate—to—castrate—you."

Deidara nodded.

I let him go and he fell to the ground, rubbing his sore ear.

"That's my princess!" cried Ren. "She's ice cold!"

"Shut up."

I went to stand by Sasori (his levelheadedness was refreshing). "What's up with you?"

"Waiting."

"They'll be here soon. Aram said so."

"Aram's an idiot who needs to look up the definition of soon."

I nodded. "Well, yeah. But he is a god. Soon is probably a lot later for him than us."

"I'll soon him," said Sasori.

"Stupid sooning gods."

"They all have a long soon up their asses."

"They need to go soon themselves."

"Soon yourself real hard."

"Soon yourself into next week."

"Oh go soon off a bridge."

"If everyone else sooned off a bridge, would you soon off a bridge?"

"I'd sooner soon myself."

"You're a soon."

"Your momma is a soon."

"My soon is soon."

"Soon?"

"Sooner."

"_What the hell are you two talking about_!? Uhn."

Sasori and I turned to stare at Deidara, who was banging his head on the ground (apparently it hurt less than listening to our conversation). Ren was doubled over with laughter.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It hurts!" groaned Deidara, rolling on the ground. "My head hurts. Why won't it end? Why won't it end?"

"It'll end when the gods get here," said Sasori.

"I wish they'd get here sooner," I said.

"Hannah, uhn!"

I grinned. "Tormenting Deidara is such a fun hobby."

Sasori nodded in agreement. "You mean sooning Deidara is such a fun hobby."

"Of course, let's soon him to death."

"Soon."

And right then the gods arrived.

I don't think Deidara was ever happier for a war to start.

The gods arrived like a giant cloud descending upon us. They were a flock that covered the sky and came down, their eyes and weapons flashing. They were on a mission to kill us, and kill us they were going to try.

The gods landed on the roof first. Aram zapped them to different dimensions and worlds using his orbs while Konan created a storm of paper. Leader was… I'm not sure exactly what Leader did, but some of the gods jumped off the roof into the backyard screaming at the tops of the lungs. Whatever Leader did, it was scary as shit.

"Here they come!" cried Ren, cackling madly.

The first god leapt across the yard. He caught sight of us and grinned, pulling out a gun. "Are you ready for this, you sacks of shit?"

Ren smiled sweetly. And then he sliced the god into a thousand pieces.

"I was ready," said Ren, wiping the blood from his hands. "But I don't think you were."

Deidara, Sasori, and I gawped at Ren. Our jaws were somewhere on the floor.

"D-d-d-did you see that!?" cried Deidara.

"What did he cut him with?" asked Sasori.

"So fast!" I cried.

Ren smiled. "There's more coming." And then he proceeded to obliterate the next god in line.

Sasori breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm just glad he's on our side."

I gripped the handle of my frying pan and turned to the nearest goddess. She tried to slash me with her ten inch long nails. I whacked her in the face with the frying pan. She scratched my cheek. I slapped her hand away. She broke a nail. And so, the bitch fight was _on_.

I really don't remember that much of the first battle. I remember my bitch fight with Elea the Goddess of Divas lasted for most of the battle. Hidan and Dessie made a blood bath of the front yard. Some gods found the safe room and Kisame had to rescue Kate. They ran around the house, fleeing every god in sight while Kate screamed at the top of her lungs. She threw a show at one god and then Tobi spent the rest of the time chasing after Kisame and Kate trying to return her shoe. Deidara blasted a hole in the backyard the size of a swimming pool. Aram descending from the roof and started yelling at Deidara not to destroy the property. And then Madara blew up the mansion.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Aram collapsed on the ground, clutching his head and screaming at the top of his lungs.

"My home! My home! All my beautiful property! Gone! Gone! Damn them! _Damn them_!"

"You're okay," said Konan. "Kakuzu stole all of your most valuable items before Madara destroyed the house."

"That was beautiful explosion," said Madara, dusting off his hands.

Deidara nodded eagerly. "It all disappeared in a fleeting moment, uhn."

"Lots of blood," said Madara.

"My house…" moaned Aram. "My precious house… I worked so hard… I earned it!"

"Did you kill a lot of gods?" asked Leader.

"It's harder than that to kill gods," said Madara.

"Ren seems to be doing a pretty good job of it," I said, pointing at the insane god of death who was still chopping his fellow gods into tiny little pieces. "I can kind of understand why he's the general…"

"He's scarier than Leader when Leader's pissed off," said Deidara.

"Where is everyone else?" asked Konan.

I glanced around the backyard. There weren't a lot of gods back here (the few dozen present were being taken care of by Ren). Leader, Konan, Deidara, Madara, Aram, Sasori, and I were standing about beneath a tree chatting. The ruins of the mansion stood before us—beyond that, we could see nothing.

"Kisame, Kate, and Tobi are running around like idiots," said Madara. "Kakuzu is trying to take a god's heart so he can add it to his collection later."

"Hidan, Dessie, Itachi, and Zetsu are in the front," said Leader. "I think they're handling it pretty well."

"We're surrounded. If Dessie and Hidan weren't immortal and Itachi wasn't as badass as he is, we would all be dead."

I leapt a foot in the air and spun around to see Zetsu's head sticking out of the tree.

"Zetsu!" I cried. "You scared me?"

"Surrounded?" asked Leader.

Zetsu nodded. "All the gods are in the front yard now. We're going to have to flee soon."

"Dessie, Hidan, and Itachi should have it under control," said Leader.

"Hidan lost his head," said Zetsu. Dessie is carrying it around and throwing it at the enemy so Hidan can bite the gods to death. Dessie looks like a pincushion. Itachi's fine, but that's because he's Itachi."

Leader sighed. "We're going to have to retreat."

"Where?" I asked.

"Back to the Fence," said Aram, wiping a tear from his cheek (he was _really_ upset about the house). "I can send you."

"Can we?" asked Konan.

"The gods will probably follow you there eventually," said Aram. "But they'll need time to prepare and they'll need me to send them there. Either that or go underground."

"Can I?" I asked. "Go back to the Fence?"

Aram shook his head. "Hannah has to stay here."

"What!?" cried Zetsu and Deidara in unison.

"She's still dead," said Aram. "You have to get the approval of all the gods in order to bring her back to life." He paused and looked around at the destruction. "I think you're a long way off from that."

"Princess Hannah can come live with me!"

Ren jumped onto my back and hugged me tightly. "She'll come stay at my castle with me and Princess Fou Mia and we'll all have fun and it'll be great! Right, Princess Hannah?"

I sighed. "I guess…"

Ren giggled. "BFFs forever!"

I pushed Ren off my back. "Sure…"

Zetsu started crying. "Hannah! We'll miss Hannah! We'll come back for you!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Leader. "Zetsu, go get Dessie, Hidan, and Itachi and bring them over here. And then go get Kisame, Kate, Kakuzu, and Tobi—wherever they are. And make sure Kakuzu fixes Hidan's head."

"But… We want to say good-bye to Hannah…"

"Go."

Still crying, Zetsu disappeared into the tree.

"He's weird," said Ren.

I rolled my eyes. "You're one to talk."

"Alright," said Aram, clapping his hands together. "If you go to back to the Fence and the gods decide to bring the war there it will take them maybe two days to prepare…"

"_Two days_!?" cried Konan.

"..And with the time difference…You guys should have two months before the gods arrive."

"Well, that's convenient," said Leader.

"That's one hell of a time difference, I said.

"You'll have two days," said Aram. "So you shouldn't be apart for too long."

"We'll come back for you, uhn," said Deidara, patting me on the shoulder.

"We don't have to leave yet! I can still fight! I'll wring their necks and rip their throat out with my teeth! Grr!"

"Hidan, shut up."

Dessie (with several knives sticking out of her), Hidan (in bits and pieces), and Itachi (he's really attractive) appeared over the top of the ruins of the mansion. Itachi was carrying Hidan's body over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and Dessie was holding Hidan's never-quiet head. Gods were chasing them over the top of the mansion. Dessie hurled Hidan's head at the nearest god. The god howled as Hidan tried to rip the guy's eyes out with his teeth.

"Strike!" cried Dessie, fist pumping in the air.

One god leapt at her, waving a chainsaw around. Dessie screamed and leapt out of the way. Deidara hurled a ball of clay at the god's head and shouted, "Katsu!" The god's left arm exploded.

"Spare!" Dessie called out to Deidara.

"That was a strike and you know it, uhn!"

Dessie scooped up Hidan's head and sprinted down the side of the building after Itachi. She landed clumsily on the grass and turned to grin at the rest of the Akatsuki. "Well that was fun."

"Looks like it," said Madara, tugging on the sleeve of her bloodstained shirt.

"Was the mansion your handiwork?"

"Yep."

"Nice." Dessie nodded approvingly.

"It's not nice!" cried Aram. "My precious house! Gone! Boom! Gone!"

"That's why makes it nice, uhn," said Deidara. "The best houses are the ones that go boom."

"As long as you don't think that about the hideout, you're good," said Leader, glaring at Deidara.

Deidara smiled. "Never…"

"That's what I thought."

"Out of the way! Out of the way! Pregnant woman coming through!"

Kisame (carrying Kate bridal style) leapt into the middle of our group, closely followed by Tobi. Kisame landed gracefully, faked a bow, and then carefully lowered Kate to the ground.

"Madara!" she cried, when she caught sight of him. "You blew up the house!"

"Yeah."

"What if I was still inside it!?"

"You weren't."

"But what if I had been!?"

"That would have sucked."

"But—but—but—but…" Kate groaned and then turned to Dessie. "Do me a favor. Marry this man and then make his like a living hell." Then Kate turned around and stormed off.

Dessie stared after her. "What the fuck is she talking about?"

"I don't know," said Hidan's head (which was tucked carefully under Dessie's arm). "Where's Kakuzu? I need him to fix me?"

"Who knows?" said Dessie. "I'm still confused."

"You're always confused," I said.

"Kate's pregnant," said Leader. "Half the things she says doesn't make sense nowadays."

"Oh… Okay!"

"I'm making perfect sense!" shouted Kate.

"Sure you are, baby!" shouted back Kisame.

"Damn it, Zetsu, I almost had that god's heart—and then you show up. You let him get away!"

"We were only following Leader's command," said Zetsu.

The two of them approached the group, bickering loudly as they fought off the gods that were following them.

"Kakuzu!" shouted Hidan. "Come fix me!"

Kakuzu stopped and surveyed Hidan. "Not again. Gods damn you, hold onto your head."

Dessie tossed Hidan's head to Kakuzu, who held onto Hidan by the hair and brought his head over to his body. Kakuzu set about putting Hidan back together, while Leader did a quick head count.

Dessie started pulling the knives and other pointy weapons embedded in her body out. She started with the blade on her forearm. "Mada—come help."

"Why?"

"Because we're friends."

"I'm an acquaintance."

"I'm promoting you back to friend—now come help."

"Just promote him to husband already! Then you can torment him and get revenge for me!" shouted Kate.

"No," said Madara.

"Oh please," shouted Kate. "Just hit that already!"

Kisame cringed. "Pregnant Kate is really forceful."

Dessie nodded and cowered behind Kisame. "She's scarier than flock of two hundred and thirteen gods flying down at you."

"Oh look," said Leader. "We're all here—Aramhurryupandsendushomebefo reKategoescrazyandtriestoeat usall."

"It's very possible!" shouted Dessie.

Aram set about creating a purple orb.

Zetsu was crying again. "Goodbye, Hannah! Goodbye! Goodbye! We'll never forget you! You were the best wife we ever had!"

"Why is Zetsu being overly dramatic and saying goodbye to Hannah?" asked Dessie.

"I'm dead," I said. "I can't come back with you."

"WHAT!? No Hannah!?" Dessie started crying too. She flung her arms around my neck. "I love you, Hannah! I'll marry you! Then you can come back with us!"

"Dessie, your logic makes no sense."

"You're my one true love! I never want anyone except you in my life—and Itachi… And Kate…"

"How come you mentioned Itachi before me!?" shouted Kate.

"He's really hot!"

"Done!" said Aram, stepping back to revealing the glowing purple orb.

Leader screamed and cowered behind Konan. We all turned to stare at him. He coughed and stood upright. "Sorry, it's a reflex. Whenever I see glowing stuff I scream."

"Okay, Dessie," I said, patting her on the head. "Time for you to let go of me now.

"No." Dessie would not release me. "I want to stay with you forever and ever."

"Madara…" I said helplessly.

"Ask Hidan for help," said Madara.

"He's being fixed."

"Ask Kisame."

"He's hiding from his pregnant girlfriend."

"Itachi?"

"He's too badass for something like this."

"Leader?"

"Really?"

Madara sighed. "Godsdamnit." He walked over and picked Dessie up with one arm. "Come on, crazy bitch—we're going." And then he stepped into the glowing purple orb.

"Well," I said. "Now that that's done with." I turned around—and came face to face with Zetsu. I spoke too soon.

"Hannah!" wailed Zetsu.

"Yeah, yeah!" I cried. "I'll miss you too—someone save me!"

Itachi stepped in front of Zetsu and pointed at the orb. "Hn."

"Hannah…"

"Hn."

"But..."

"Hn."

Zetsu hung his head and waddled over to the purple orb. He had one last forlorn look in my direction before he stepped into the orb. Konan dragged a terrified Leader after him. There was a flash of purple light and all three were gone.

"Done," said Kakuzu, stepping back from Hidan's body. "It you lose that head again, I'm not fixing you."

"Fuck," said Hidan, rubbing his neck. "It still hurts."

"Stop touching it," said Kakuzu.

Kisame snickered. "That's what she said."

"You're immature," snapped Kate. She turned around to face me. I cringed and back away slightly. Kate suddenly smiled and flung her arms around my neck (ohmygods pregnant Kate is being nice!) "We'll see you again soon, Hannah, I promise. We'll never abandon you to death!"

"I really don't need help," I said. "I have the feeling if you guys try and save me I'm going to end up even deader than before."

Kate stepped back and caught hold of Kisame's hand. "Let's go."

"Are you sure interdimensional travel is good for the baby?" asked Kisame.

"It's a bit too late to worry about that!" snapped Kate. She dragged Kisame into the purple orb after her.

"Pregnant Kate is dominatrix," said Deidara, impressed. "She could give you a run for your money, Hannah, uhn."

"Shut up," I said, and pushed Deidara into the purple orb.

"Avoiding long farewells?" asked Kakuzu.

"I suck at saying goodbye."

"Yeah, you do." Kakuzu paused for a second, then leaned over and kissed me. "See you in the next life." And then he stepped into the orb and disappeared.

"Oh!" cried Aram. "Hannah is getting' it on. First Zetsu, then Deidara, then Ren, and now Kakuzu—you get around a lot for a sarmassophic."

"Shut up."

Tobi and Itachi went into the orb after that. Leaving me and Sasori standing beneath the tree while Aram and Ren fighting off the gods who were still trying to attack us (it's nice having two of the most powerful gods on our side).

"I guess you've got to go," I said.

"Yep." Sasori shrugged. "I'll see you soon."

"Sooner."

He grinned and then stepped into the purple orb. There was flash of purple light. He was gone.

I stared at the purple orb for a moment and then turned away. "Ren!"

He materialized beside me. "Yes, Princess?"

"Let's go."

* * *

**A/N: I feel bad for not updating for a month and since I'm on a roll - here's the next chapter. Poor Hannah, she doesn't get to stay with the Akatsuki for more than a few chapters. **

**Okay, so review. It's Thanksgiving. Which means as THANKS for me actually updating you guys should be GIVING reviews. (See how I worked that in there - pretty awesome, huh?)**


	52. Demotion To Furniture

**Chapter Fifty-Two: Demotion To Furniture **

**Dessie**

Madara was sitting on top of me. I was lying face down on the floor of the living room with fucking Madara on top of me! First, he separate me from the love of my life, Hannah, and then he drags me to the awful blue orb and then he sits on me. Well, screw you, Mada!

"Get off, you coffee-thieving bastard!"

"Make me."

The sad part is that I tried to push him off. I really did try. I failed miserably. I flopped about like a turtle on its bad for a good ten minutes before giving up and collapsing on the ground.

"I hate you," I said.

"I want some coffee," said Madara.

"You always want coffee!"

"Because it's good stuff."

"Addict."

"And proud."

There was a flash of purple light and Zetsu, Konan, and Leader appeared in the room. Zetsu was still crying like a little baby (how can this crybaby be a cannibalistic plant man? It's just weird!).

"Um, Madara," said Konan. "Why are you sitting on Dessie?"

"She's a good seat," said Madara.

"Oh? Let me try." Leader sat down on my lower back next to Madara. "She is a good seat. Why haven't I tried this earlier?"

I flapped about wildly. "Get off!"

Madara patted my head. "Accept your fate as furniture."

"Never! I shall always strive for better things than furniture! One day, one day, I will be upholstery!"

Madara snorted. "That's a noble goal and I wish you the very best of luck with that."

Another flash of purple light and Kate and Kisame appeared.

"I'm hungry," announced Kate. "Kisame—fetch me a sandwich."

Kisame sighed. "Yes, baby." He headed for the kitchen.

"Make me some coffee while you're at it!" shouted Madara.

Kisame flipped Madara off before he disappeared from the room. Kate sat down on the sofa next to Konan and looked around in confusion. "Where's Dessie?"

"Down here!" I said.

Kate blinked. "Um… Why are Madara and Leader sitting on top of you?"

"She's a comfortable chair," said Leader.

"Okay…"

Purple flash! Deidara appeared on top of the coffee table. He rolled off the tabletop and landed on the floor with a heavy thud. He leapt up and looked about wildly.

"We're back, uhn!" he cried, pumping his fist in the air.

"You look like an idiot," said Dessie.

"Eh? Who said that?" Deidara caught sight of Dessie. He grinned and plopped down on top of her butt. "You make a squishy chair."

"Fuck you!"

"So," said Deidara. "We're back."

"Sandwich for the mother-to-be!" said Kisame, stepping into the room holding a plate with a turkey and cheese sandwich. He handed it to Kate who took a huge bite.

"Whipped," said Deidara.

"Kwa-tsssch!" I made the sound of cracking whip.

"Oh shut up—wait until your girlfriend is pregnant—oh wait, Deidara—you don't have a girlfriend."

"He has Hannah," said Konan.

"Fail," said Kisame.

Kate made a face. "The turkey tastes disgusting. I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"Eh?"

"Kisame."

Kisame took the plate from her and headed back to the kitchen.

"Whipped!" said Deidara.

"Kwa-tsssch!" I added.

Flash of light and Kakuzu appeared. He grunted in acknowledgment of the rest of us and then sat down on the lazy boy.

"Aw, poor Kakuzu," said Konan. "He's lost without his Hannah."

"Kakuzu doesn't need Hannah," said Zetsu. "Hannah only loves us."

Deidara coughed. "Deluded, uhn."

There were three purple flashes in a row and Tobi, Hidan, and Itachi appeared one after the other.

"Home sweet home!" cried Hidan, running across the room to hug the huge flat screen TV. "How I missed you, mindless entertainment device!"

"Hn," said Itachi (to this day I don't know what he meant by _that_).

"Itachi!" cried Konan. "How could you say such a thing!"

"That's terrible!" cried Leader.

Madara covered my ears. "Think of the poor, innocent girls in the room."

"I wouldn't call Dessie innocent," said Kate.

"I'm more innocent than pregnant Kate," I called out, pushing Madara's hand away.

"Whatcha sayin' about me?" Kate paused and then turned to Hidan. "Look, Hidan. Everyone's using Dessie as a chair!"

"Really?" Hidan spun around and caught sight of me. "Oh hell yeah!" he sprinted across the room and sat down on my head.

"Damn you, pregnant Kate!"

Pregnant Kate smiled sweetly.

There was a final flash of purple light and Sasori appeared.

"So that's everyone," said Leader.

"Yeah…" Sasori looked around the room. "Where's Dessie?'

"Dow-mmm mmmere!" I shouted to the ground.

"Oh. That looks comfortable. Where's Kisame?'

"Making me a sandwich," said Kate.

"Whipped!" shouted Deidara.

"Kmmmm-mmmch!" I added.

"So," said Leader, ignoring us as he usually does. "We have a slight problem. The gods are going to come kill us in a couple months."

"Yeah," said Konan. "That is a _slight_ problem."

"We blame Dessie," said Zetsu.

"It's always Dessie's fault," said Leader. "She has a bad habit of starting wars. First Wargonia, then the Kikensai and Okensai, and now a war with the gods. I mean—_really_!?"

"Mmmmot mmmmmy faummmmmm!"

"Don't pick on Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi. "She just has a bad personality so bad people like to fight with her!"

"Mmmmot Mmmmmelpimmmmm!"

"At least she wins her wars," said Konan. "Imagine if she started all these wars and then lost them."

We all shuddered at the thought.

"As much fun as it is the blame Dessie," said Leader. "We still have the problem of imminent invasion."

"We could just kill them all," said Madara.

"We could blow them all up," said Deidara. "Ka-boom, uhn!"

"I like your way of thinking," said Madara.

"Its bemmmmause yommmm mmmoth mmmupid!" I said.

"Did you hear something?" asked Madara.

"Deidara shook his head. "Nope."

"Dammmmmmmm yommmmm!"

"Should we talk to Konoha, Suna, and Team Hebi?" asked Konan. "They would probably like to know that the Fence is about to be invaded by hoards of all powerful gods."

"Yeah…" said Leader slowly… That might be nice for them to know…"

"One peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the most beautiful woman in the room!" Kisame stepped into the living room carrying a plate with a sandwich up high.

"Thammmm mmmmould mmmeee meeeee!" I shouted.

"Thanks, Kisame," said Konan, holding out a hand for the plate. "I was in the mood for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"Bitch," said Kate. "That's mine—get your filthy hands off it!"

Konan pulled her hands away. "Pregnant Kate is at it again."

"Mmmmmary!"

Konan turned around. "Hidan! Get off Dessie's head! If I have to listen to one more mmmm I will set pregnant Kate on you!"

Hidan got up and went to sit on my legs. That is the power of pregnant Kate.

Kisame sat down on the couch next to his girlfriend, who was chowing down on that peanut butter and jelly sandwich like she hadn't eaten in years.

"Lovely," I said. "You look beautiful."

"Shut up, bitch," said pregnant Kate.

"I feel like pregnant Kate comes from years of suppressed anger," said Konan.

"Off topic!" shouted Leader.

"Oh right," said Konan. "War. What should we do?"

"Kill everyone," said Madara.

"I like that solution," I said. "Lob off some heads—you know, the usual."

"We could see who collects the most heads at the end," said Madara.

"Heads are hard to carry around," I said thoughtfully. "how about who collects the most ears."

"Ears are vulgar," said Madara. "Let's do toes!"

"Tongues," I said.

"That sounds good," said Madara. "Ear collection time?"

"Definitely."

"You people are gross," said Kate (food was sending pregnant Kate away from awhile). "Tongues? Really?"

"We're kidding," I said.

"We were?" asked Madara.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Careful," he said. "I might cut it off and call it number one."

"Chairs shouldn't flirt," said Leader. "And we're getting off topic yet again!"

"We're going to have to fight them," said Sasori. "And Aram will be the one transporting them. So what if he transported them to the hideout and we blow up the hideout as soon as they arrive."

"There we go!" cried Leader. "An actual contribution!"

"They're immortal," I said. "It won't do anything more than slow them down."

"It'll be a good first blow," said Sasori. "And we can continuously bomb them from overhead."

"Sounds like fun," said Deidara.

"If we could get Gaara to help…" said Konan. "I think we should talk to the Kages."

"They hate us, uhn," said Deidara.

"Mainly Gaara," said Kisame. "Because you killed him."

"Yeah," said Deidara. "I don't know why, but people tend to get upset when you kill them."

"It's a mystery," said Konan.

"Where did the topic go? I don't know, it's _off somewhere_."

"Sorry, Leader," said Konan. "I think we should go talk to the Kages."

There was flash of purple light and Aram appeared in the middle of the living room standing on top of the coffee table.

"Oh to hell with it!" shouted Leader. "The topic is never coming back!"

"Um, hi," said Aram. He paused and looked around the living room. "Where's Dessie?"

"Down here."

Aram paused and looked at me. He burst out laughing. "Oh that's good. That's good."

"Go away."

Aram hopped off the coffee table. "I just came to tell you that my house is successfully destroyed. Nerissa and I went into hiding, Hannah and Ren are back in the underworld. I'm thinking of returning to the gods and saying I changed sides."

"Won't they see through that?"

Aram shrugged. "They need me if they want to get anywhere any time soon. The tunnels take too long."

"Must be nice to be the almighty Four," I said.

"It is," said Aram.

"This is getting nowhere," said Leader. He stood up (sweet relief on my poor back). "Aram—can you send us to Konoha?'

"Um, yeah."

"Then do it."

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself standing in front of Tsunade's desk. The blond woman was gaping at us, her blue eyes bugging out of their sockets. Shizune stood beside Tsunade, clutching that murderous pig. The Akatsuki stood around the office, most of us looking even more confused than Tsunade.

"Um… hi?" said Tsunade.

"Hi," said Leader, stepping forward. "We've been gone from this world for several months. We were living with the gods trying to bring our dead friend back to life. Dessie pissed off the gods and now the gods are coming to the Fence in two months to kill everyone in this world. We just wanted to give you a heads up. We don't care if you want to work with us on this or not, we just want you to _stay the fuck out of our way_ while we try and save the world."

Leader turned back to Aram. "Alright, take us back to the hideout."

I forgot how boss Leader can be.

* * *

**A/N: Still going. I'll probably end soon... maybe...**

**You all should love me. And to express your love, you should review. **


	53. Who's Whipped Now?

**Chapter Fifty-Three: Who's Whipped Now? **

**Kate**

I closed my eyes and patted my stomach. Baby Felix had been in there for little under eight months. Hard to believe. He'd been created in the winter and now it was the beginning of August in the Fence. We really missed half year…again. It was hot and humid outside—the air was pressing down against me like blanket. We'd only been in the Dale for a few weeks—how did that end up being eight months? I really couldn't tell you.

"You ready?"

I glanced over my shoulder at Kisame. "Yeah."

"You're not bitchy," said Kisame.

"Thanks."

"I like you better not bitchy." Kisame wrapped his arms around me. "Kate is best cute."

"It's too hot for you to hug me."

"But I like hugging you…"

"If you don't let go of me this instant I will turn into the uncute Kate."

Kisame rested his chin on the top of my head. "I'll risk it."

"It's revolting how cuddly you two are in broad daylight, uhn."

I glanced over my shoulder at Deidara. He was leaning over the handle of a grocery cart with Zetsu sitting inside the cart. The four of us were standing outside the grocery store, ready to refill the Akatsuki pantry with fresh food.

"Remind me why you two came," said Kisame, releasing me.

"I don't trust you to get good food," said Deidara.

"We want to pick our dinner from the staff," said Zetsu.

I pulled a face. "Gross."

"Let's go," said Kisame. "The sooner we finish the grocery shopping the sooner I can be away from you two."

"Think of it as valuable bonding time, uhn," said Deidara, pushing the cart towards the entrance of the grocery store.

"I don't want to bond with you!" said Kisame.

Zetsu giggled. "That's what she said."

Kisame shuddered. "The scary part of that is not the she said joke, but the fact that Zetsu made a she said joke."

"Can we just get the food and go?" I asked.

Kisame caught hold of my hand and led me into the grocery store. Oh, if only I had known was a catastrophe this was going to be before I walked inside…

STAGE 1:

"What's this?"

I glanced at the long, skinny vegetable in Kisame's hand. "Squash."

"I've never seen a squash like this," said Kisame. He wagged it in front of my face. "Hey! Deidara! What does this look like to you?'

Deidara turned away from the apples and stared at the squash in Kisame's hand for a long moment. Then he doubled over laughing. "Really? Where did you find that? Can we buy it, uhn?"

"Come on," I said. "Let's just finish the list Leader gave us and go…"

"But Kate!" said Kisame. "Look at this!"

"I can see!" I cried as he shoved the squash in my face. An elderly couple was giving us weird glances as they walked by.

"We don't get it," said Zetsu. "What's so funny?"

"You don't get it!?" cried Kisame.

"It's a squash!" said Deidara. "Shaped like a dick, uhn!"

The elderly couple looked mortified.

I sighed. "Please, just put the squash in the cart."

"Wahooo!"

Kisame dropped the squash into the cart. Then he and Deidara ran off to find more pervertedly shaped vegetables.

I sighed and leaned against the cart. "Is my child really going to be raised by these people?"

Zetsu dropped the elderly woman into the cart. "We found our dinner."

STAGE 2:

"Zetsu," I said. "I know you think people are yummy, but you can't buy people at the grocery store."

The elderly woman looked at her husband desperately, mouthing a word that somewhat resembled "Help". Her husband tried to help he, but Zetsu picked him up and put him in the cart too.

"We didn't realize it was a two for one sale," said Zetsu.

I sighed. "Zetsu…Your behavior…"

"We're sorry!" cried Zetsu, taking the cart from me. "We should never make a pregnant woman push the cart." And he went off down the fruits and vegetable aisle, pushing the metal cart containing a grandma and a grandpa. I watched him go, mouth wide open. Just then, one of the store employees (a young man with severe pimples whose name tag read TED) stepped forward.

"Excuse me, um…sir?" said Ted, staring at Zetsu. "But you aren't allowed to push people in the cart. Can the grandma and grandpa please get out."

"We… We were put in here!" wailed Grandma. "By this… this… thing!"

"Excuse me?" Ted turned to Zetsu. He swallowed. "Um, please don't…um disrupt…the shopping of other people…sir."

Zetsu stared at Ted for a moment. Then Zetsu ate Ted.

STAGE 3:

Grandma and Grandpa were screaming.

"I'm sorry!" I cried, rushing to their side. "Zetsu! Please spit Ted out!"

"Mmmo?" asked Zetsu with his mouth full of Ted.

"Ted! Ted!" I gasped. "Ted is the guy you're chewing on! Spit him out! And help Grandma and Grandpa out of the cart! I'm really sorry—he has no manners—he isn't house broken yet—Zetsu! Please spit out Ted!—He's really a nice plant—I'm sorry I'm not Hannah!"

Zetsu threw up Ted all over the grocery store floor.

"Blach!" cried Zetsu, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "He tastes like teen angst and acne."

Ted sat on the floor, covering in Zetsu spit. His eyes were bugged out his head and he was gasping and crying all at once. He slowing crawled away from Zetsu. Only when he was a safe distance away did Ted scream and run away.

Everyone was staring at us, unsure if they should call for help or run away themselves.

"Uh…" I looked around nervously. Then I picked up the grocery list and cried, "What's next? Oh look, Leader wants a can of spotted dick—where is that—wait—what!?"

STAGE 4:

"Zetsu!" I cried. "What is spotted…spotted…spotted…" I buried my face in my hands. "I can't say it!"

Zetsu patted me on the head awkwardly. "We understand. Regular Kate is as innocent as Pregnant Kate in uninnocent."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked through my tears.

"We just have to wait until your hormones go wild," said Zetsu. "And then you'll be able to say spotted dick."

"What is that?" I wailed.

"Sponge cake."

Three… Two… One…

"Why didn't Leader just say that in the first place!?" The tears came back with renewed force. "Why must he send me to the grocery store with such a stupid request?" I clung to Zetsu's robe, pulling him down to the floor with me. "What did I do wrong? Does Leader enjoy tormenting me like this? Why? Why? Why?"

Zetsu looked around wildly. The customers were staring at us, their eyes wide.

"It's okay," said Zetsu. "She's pregnant."

There was a collective "Ohhhhhh" and the shoppers went about their business.

"Why?" I wailed. "Why is Leader so mean to me!? He doesn't bully Hannah or Dessie like this! Why me?"

"Um! Maybe it's because you're fun to tease."

I glanced up. Grandma was sitting in the car. She smiled at me nervously and then patted me on the head with her pale, wrinkly hand.

"It's not because, er, Leader doesn't like you. It's probably because he thinks you're cute when you're upset. Guys like to bully the girls they think are cute."

Well, the good new is that I stopped crying. The bad news is that my tears were replaced with disgust.

"_Leader_?" I asked. "Like me? Zetsu! There's this shiver of disgust running up and down my spine. So gross!" I paused. "Oh my gosh! Konan is going to kill me! Oh my gosh! Kisame is going to kill Leader! Zetsu! There will be no peace in the Akatsuki again!"

I don't think Zetsu has ever looked so incredibly awkward in his entire life.

"We don't think Leader likes you," said Zetsu.

I stopped. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, we're sure."

I sat back down on the ground and breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. The Akatsuki cannot survive such a disaster."

Zetsu paused for a second. "Grandma is giving bad advice. Maybe if we ate Grandma, she wouldn't give any more bad advice."

"Wait!" I cried, wobbling to my feet. "Don't eat Grandma!"

"I don't want to be eaten!" croaked Grandma.

"We'll be all skin and bones!" added Grandpa. "Not nice! Not tasty!"

"We've eaten worse than skin and bones," said Zetsu.

I sighed. "As much as I hate to say this, he has. It's really gross!"

STAGE 5:

"What could Zetsu have eaten that is more gross than us?" asked Grandpa. (Is it just me or did we managed to kidnap some really weird people?)

"Well," said Zetsu. "We've eaten the bodies of war victims."

"Some of them days old," I added.

"Weeks old," corrected Zetsu.

"That's just gross. That's even grosser than Leader liking me." I paused and the shuddered. "Never mind. Nothing is grosser than that."

"We've eaten salad once," said Zetsu. "By accident…"

"That's not gross," said Grandma.

"It is when you're a Venus flytrap!" cried Zetsu.

I nodded. "What's really nasty is afterwards when he finds out—then he throws up everywhere."

"Remember that one time," said Zetsu. "When we threw up our breakfast as well."

I turned a little green. "You mean that frozen foot that you threw up and then reate?"

"We couldn't let it go to waste."

Grandma vomited over the side of the cart. For those of you who are curious, she had bacon and eggs for breakfast that morning.

Zetsu inspected the pile of upchuck. "Are you going to eat that?"

Grandpa threw up too.

"Clean up in Aisle 2," said Zetsu.

I frowned. "I think I've spent too much time with the Akatsuki. Things like your diet don't affect me anymore."

"It's definitely the hormones," said Zetsu, pushing the cart down to the next aisle. "The moment baby Felix comes out of you—you'll go back to puking every time we mention dinner."

"That's good to know. It'd be a problem if this was permanent."

"Kate! Kate! Kate! I have some necessities to add to the cart!"

STAGE 6:

Zetsu and I turned to see Kisame sprinting down the aisle, waving a box of unknown contents above his head. He skidded to a halt in front of the cart and dropped the box inside. Grandma help up the box and inspected the label carefully.

"Condoms…" she read aloud. She paused, shrieked, and dropped the box back into the cart. "Young lady!" she cried to me. "You're already unmarried and pregnant! How could you being doing such shameful things!"

"Wait!" I cried. "It's not like that!"

"It's totally like that," said Kisame, wrapping one arm around Grandma's shoulder. "My Kate and I—we do it like rabbits. Of course, she pregnant right now, so the sex is on hold—but the moment that thing is out of her—whop—we're back in bed bunny style."

Grandma fainted.

"Wait…" I cried. "It's not like that… He's stupid… Felix is not his child—Felix doesn't have a Daddy—I ran into the crazy goddess of pregnancy and she decided it'd be fun to put a baby version of my split personality in my stomach—I've a responsible woman!"

Grandpa turned around and glared at me. "Do you expect us to believe a ridiculous story like that?"

I groaned. "You can accept the existence of half white and half black man living inside a Venus flytrap, but you can't accept my pregnancy story?"

"…Do you know what her favorite pose is?" asked Kisame, leaning over Grandpa's shoulder and fanning the unconscious Grandma. "Reverse cowgirl. I know—I wasn't expecting it either, but, you know, looks can be deceiving."

And that was when Pregnant Kate was unleashed.

STAGE 7:

"_You son of a bitch—don't you dare make up shitty stories about your girlfriend_!" Pregnant Kate pulled the box of condoms out of the cart and threw them at Kisame's head. "_Put that shit back where it belongs! I need milk1 Go get me milk! And pistachios! I have a sudden craving for pistachios! And cream cheese! And chocolate—lots of chocolate! Make sure it's sweet! Chocolate! The sweetest chocolate you can find! And if you don't find me sweet chocolate, you'll be on diaper duty for life! Got it? No run, little man, run_!"

"Eep!" Kisame turned tail and sprinted down the aisle, taking the box of offensive condoms with him.

"Well," said Grandpa. "You got rid of him."

"_Did you say something, little man_?" Pregnant Kate asked.

"No, no, nothing."

"_That's what I thought_."

Grandpa shrunk down into the cart as Pregnant Kate stormed down the aisle and began throwing things into the cart, not caring what was on the list and what wasn't. Grandpa turned to Zetsu and whispered, "She's scary…"

"She's pregnant."

"Scary…"

"_What the hell?! They're out of cream puffs_!"

STAGE 8:

_"Bitch! This is the last cream puff_!"

"Are you insane? Don't grab things from other people's cart!"

Pregnant Kate grabbed the man's hand and threw him to the floor. "_It's the last cream puff_!"

"It's mine!"

"_Don't mess with me, bitch_!"

"Stop calling me bitch! I'm a guy!" The man was close to tears.

"_I'm pregnant—now give me the damn cream puff_!"

Pregnant Kate tried to wrench the cream puff out of the scrawny man's hands. He clung to the cream puff as if his life depended on it. Zetsu, Grandpa, and the still unconscious Grandma remained at a safe distance, watching in horror as the bitch fight went on.

"_Mine_!"

"Mine!"

"_Mine_!"

"Mine!"

"_Mine_!"

"_Whore! What are you doing to my husband_?"

Pregnant Kate turned around and found herself face to face with scrawny man's pregnant wife. Pregnant Kate left the man alone and turned to face Pregnant Wife.

"_What did you just call me_?"

"_Whore._"

"_Who's the one whose knocked up_?"

"_That would be you_."

"_And you._ _I guess that makes us both whores_." Pregnant Kate smirked. She pulled a baguette from a nearby shelf and pointed it at Pregnant Wife. "_Let's see who's the biggest whore, huh_?"

"_Winner gets the cream puff_."

"_Of course_."

Pregnant Kate leapt through the air, ready to smack down on Pregnant Wife. But suddenly, a strong blue arm scooped Pregnant Kate out of the air. Suddenly, she found herself holding a delicious chocolate bar. Pregnant Kate took a huge bite of chocolate bar and let its sweet, sweet goodness wash over her.

"Honey," said Kisame. "What are you doing? Don't you know fights in the middle of the grocery store are bad for the baby?"

I blinked. All that foggy rage suddenly disappeared. There was only me and the chocolate. "Mmm…"

Kisame turned to the Pregnant Wife and her husband.

"I'm taking that cream puff," said Kisame, plucking it from her hands. He paused and look down at the simpering husband. "Whipped."

I grinned. "Kwa-tssssch!"

Kisame carried me back to the cart, where Grandma, Grandpa, and Zetsu were staring at us in horror.

"I think we should head of the check out."

"KATSU!"

STAGE 9:

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOM!

STAGE 10:

Kisame stared at the fiery mess of destruction that was once the grocery story. Deidara stood atop the fallen ruins ,cackling madly.

"You see this!?" cried Deidara. "You see this!? _This_ is art, uhn! Food for the soul!"

"On second thought," I said. "Let's go."

"Free food," said Kisame.

* * *

**A/N: Please review. Why? Because I love you. But sometimes, I think you don't love me. Because you don't review. Reviewing is (usually) and expression of love. But then you don't review. *Sniffles* IT MAKES ME SO SAD! WHY MUST I LIVE MY LIFE WITH SOME MANY UNREQUITED LOVES!? LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME!**

**...**

**(I don't know what I was on while writing this chapter...or this A/N...) **

**Oh well - please review!**


	54. It's All Just One Giant Facepalm

**Chapter Fifty-Four: It's All One Giant Facepalm**

**Hannah**

"Ren…"

"Are you ready, Princess?"

"Ren…"

"Are you mentally prepared!?"

"Ren…"

"Brace yourself…"

"Ren…"

"This is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your entire life…"

"Ren…"

"Or death…"

"Ren…"

"Are you ready!?"

"Ren. A war is going to start in two days. _Why are we playing chess_!?"

Ren placed the last black pawn and grinned at me. "Because it's fun."

We had arrived back at Ren's underworld palace only an hour earlier. Ren had been warmly greeted by Princess Fou Mia (knocked over and licked to death). Noun had fussed over Ren and examined Ren from top to bottom to make sure Ren was all in one piece. Smithy had given Ren an awkward head nod—to which Ren bowled Smithy over with a hug attack. Then Ren had dragged me over to a corner, sat me down at a table, and pulled out a chess set. Smithy, Noun, and Princess Fou Mia now sat around us, watching with eager eyes as the chess match began.

They're all idiots.

"Alright," said Ren. "White goes first. Come on, Princess! Come on!"

"You shouldn't call me Princess," I said, moving a pawn forward. "Fou Mia will get jealous."

"Tut-tut, Princess Fou Mia," said Ren, waggling his finger at the cheetah. "Jealous is not a pretty thing. Fight that green monster! Fight! I'll cheer you on!" Ren paused and considered. "Maybe I should start a Princess Fou Mia fanclub…"

"Please no…" I said.

Ren moved his own pawn forward. "I'll be the president. Noun will be the vice president. Smithy will be the secretary and Princess Hannah will be the treasurer."

"Will Princess Fou Mia be our mascot?" asked Noun.

"Don't be silly," said Ren. "Princess Fou Mia will be our goddess."

"Ren," I said, moving another pawn forward. "You're a god."

"So?"

"Then Princess Fou Mia will only be on the same level as you."

Ren frowned. "You're right. I hadn't thought of that… Then we have one choice!"

"What's that?" asked Noun eagerly.

"We'll have to make Princess Fou Mia into an archgoddess!"

Smithy facepalmed.

I sighed. "Ren… It's your move."

"Think about it," said Ren, moving his bishop. "Princess Fou Mia will be the greatest of all gods—she's refined and poised and perfect." He smiled adoringly at the cheetah. "All the gods will kneel before her in awe—but be careful, my little kitten, with great power comes great responsibility."

I rolled my eyes. "Did you just throw in a Spiderman reference?"

"What?"

"That's kind of lame."

"Spiderman?" Ren sniffed in disgust. "Who is this Spiderman? I'll have you know that was my catchphrase long before it was cool."

Smithy shook his head behind Ren's back.

"Let me guess," I said. "You watch the Spiderman movies once a week and cry at the end of every one." I paused (Smithy was nodding). "Especially when Harry dies in Spiderman 3." (Big nod from Smithy).

Ren burst into tears. "But it's just so sad! He realizes the truth! He's about to become BFFs with Spiderman again and them—BAM!—He's dead."

I sighed and shook my head. "Why do I always end up with the weirdos?"

Ren wiped away his tears. "Because we're _awesome_!"

I shook my head and moved my rook forward. "We're playing chess."

"Why yes, Princess Hannah, yes we are! What an amazing observer you are!" Ren clapped his hands excitedly. "Did you see that, Noun? Hannah's observational skills are phenomenal!"

"Yes, yes they are!" cried Noun.

"Shut up," I muttered. "I meant we're playing chess instead of preparing for the war."

"Well we can hardly do anything right now," said Ren.

"Were you really a great general?" I asked.

"Are you questioning the general's skills!?" gasped Noun. Princess Fou Mia growled. Smithy shook his head.

"Um…is that really so terrible?'

"You haven't seen him in action," said Smithy (he actually spoke…).

"I saw him fight at Aram's—Four's house…"

"That?" asked Ren, stretching out his arms casually. "That was a warm up."

I raised one eyebrow. "Really? So when will I get to see the real thing?"

"Soon. Very soon. But first!" Ren slapped the table. "A chess match! It's your move! What are you going to do? How can Princess Hannah oppose the great and mighty General Ren? What can she do? What can she do!?"

I moved my knight. "Checkmate."

"Oh damn."

BAM!

The door to the hall flew open and Ren leapt to his feet, knocking the chessboard over and sending all the pieces flying. "Oh my—would you look at that—well, guess there is no winner to the chess game."

"I just had you in checkma—"

Ren bowed his head sadly. "There was no winner."

"Bullshit."

Ren gasped. "Watch your language in front of Princess Fou Mia!"

A messenger stood in the doorway. He coughed loudly and Ren turned his attention back to the messenger.

"Yes?"

"Guests have arrived from the Dale."

Ren frowned. "Who?"

"Jaja the god of rain. Alvera the goddess of birds. Marcus the god of speed. Glut the god of food."

"And why are they here?"

"To discuss something with you."

"That's very clear."

The messenger shook his head. "They refused to say."

Ren frowned. "Very well. Send them in."

The messenger turned around and exited the hall, closing the doors firmly behind him. The moment he disappeared, Ren spun around and grasped me by the shoulders.

"Hide, Princess! Hide!"

"What?"

"They know who you are! If they see you they will kill you really dead and then you won't ever be able to come back to life!"

I blinked. "Even deader than I am now."

Ren nodded solemnly.

"Okay…Where do I hide?"

Ren looked about the room wildly. There was no where. Finally he spun around and cried, "Under my cape!"

"You don't have a cape."

"Oh. Right." Ren looked about again. "Noun! Let me borrow your cape!"

"Can't I just hide under Noun's cape?"

"Nope," said Ren. "It has to be my cape."

I sighed as Noun took off his bright blue cape and handed it to Ren. "Why?"

"Because it's more fun this way!"

Ren had me sit down in the bench and he draped the blue cape over me. Noun made sure I was not visible and then settled back down into his seat between Smithy and Princess Fou Mia. Just then the doors to the hall opened and the four gods walked in.

"Jaja, Alvera, Marcus, Glut!" cried Ren. "How wonderful to see you!"

"You don't remember who we are, do you, General," said one of the gods.

Ren laughed awkwardly. "You're… Marcus."

"Jaja."

"Jaja always wears blue," said a goddess.

"Right, right. You're Glut."

"General—I am the only girl in the group, there's only one name that can be mine!"

"Marcus?"

"Alvera!"

"Right, I was just testing you…to see if you knew your own name…" Ren laughed. "So then the fat one is Marcus and the blond one is Glut."

"Other way around."

"I was close!" Ren sighed. "Come… Come sit down." Ren motioned to the seat in front of him.

I could see them through a cap in the folds of the cloak as they sat down. Ren really was an idiot for getting them mixed up. Jaja (a strong blue haired man dressed entirely in blue) looked _exactly_ like a god of rain ought to—he even had a rain stick in his left hand! Alvera was obviously the only girl in the group not to mention she had sparrow wings sprouting from her back. Glut was fat with a mountain of food bursting from his shoulder bag. Marcus wore a sweat suit as if he might go running at any second. They looked like their names!

"So," said Ren. "Now that the niceties are over—"

"I wouldn't call them niceties, General," said Marcus.

"—What brings you to my humble abode?"

"I wouldn't call it humble, General."

Ren smiled and placed a hand on top of my head. I could feel it pressing down through the cloak.

"Well," said Jaja. "Let's get down to business."

Ren said nothing.

"It's like this…"

Ren waited patiently.

"The thing is…"

Ren nodded.

"That…"

Ren smiled encouragingly.

"There is a slight issue…"

"_Just out with it already_!" cried Smithy.

Jaja blinked. "Right. Your absence at the war council meeting has been noted. The gods are wondering why you have failed to show."

"Ah, so this is what you want to talk about," said Ren, nodding.

"Yes. Since you are a highly respected general, no one wants this to get ugly. Perhaps you forgot about the meeting—"

"I didn't forget." Ren smiled pleasantly.

"Oh. Perhaps something came up—"

"Nothing came up."

Jaja gritted his teeth. "I'm trying to make excuses for you, General, but you're making it very difficult."

"Don't make up excuses. I don't want them."

"Then what do you want?"

Ren smiled. "I want you the fuck out of my house before I have to kick you out through brute force."

The gods looked taken aback. "G-G-General!?"

"You heard me."

"Are you choosing to betray us, General?" asked Alvera.

"Why yes, yes, I am."

"How could you!?" cried Marcus. "You-You are the great general!"

Ren yawned. "Yeah, it was fun while it lasted. But now it's kind of boring." He perked up. "I found something more fun to do!"

"W-w-what!?"

"Yeah! It's called being a rebel—it's a lot more fun than following the rules, don't you think?" Ren giggled. I could imagine Smithy facepalming.

"You traitor!" cried Jaja, leaping to his feet. "You traitor! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!"

"Don't say such terrible things in front of Princess Fou Mia!" cried Ren.

"Fuck you and fuck your stupid ca—"

WHACK!

Jaja flew across the room and slammed into the wall opposite. The wall cracked and gave way—Jaja flew into the adjoining room. There was another crack. And then silence. I was still lying on the bench, but my cloak cover was gone. Ren stood on top of the table, his leg still extended from the kick and his blue cloak streaming behind him.

"Don't you _dare_ insult Princess Fou Mia."

Is it sad that I was terrified of Ren right then?

"G-G-General!" squeaked Alvera.

"You're as insane as ever!" cried Marcus, leaping to his feet. "You're willing to sacrifice everything for a stupid cheetah—"

WHACK!

Ren sent Marcus flying across the room to join Jaja.

"I'll kill anyone who insults Princess Fou Mia," said Ren. "I'll rip heads off. Tear out spleens. Make jump ropes of spines. Take baths in tears. Have soup of eyeballs. I will _destroy _you."

Alvera gulped. "Maybe… Maybe we should come back with reinforcements…"

Glut wasn't paying any attention. His eyes were fixed on me. "Why is the dead girl here?"

I waved. "Hi."

Alvera's eyes snapped to me. "General… You're sheltering the fugitive."

Glut tilted his head to the side. "I could understand if she was pretty—but sheltering an ugly girl—you have no class."

BANG!

I whacked the damned god over the head with my frying pan.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Okay, so I beat him over the head more than once. Honestly, by the time I was through with him, Glut was a pancake and Alvera, Jaja, and Marcus has fled. I stood back and admired my handwork, wiping some sweat from my forehead.

"That was a great stress reliever."

Jaws were somewhere around floor level.

"Hannah is somewhat scary," said Noun.

"What are you talking about!?" cried Ren, flinging his arms around my neck. "She's beautiful! The second most beautiful princess I have ever seen!"

"Get off me!" I said, trying to pry him off with the frying pan.

"Never! We're BFFs! We'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!"

The doors flew open.

Scene freeze. Smithy was facepalming. Glut was a pancake. A jealous Princess Fou Mia was about to attack me. Noun was trying to hold her back. Ren was clinging to my waist. I was beating him repeatedly over the head with a frying pan. In the doorway of the hall was an army of gods prepared to take out the traitorous Ren.

Yeah.

Things were getting kind of out of hand.

* * *

**A/N: *Sniffles* You're all so mean. *Sniffles* What is my name? What is my name? Review Whore! Yet the reviews for the last few chapters have been so lacking... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAH! **

**You broke my heart.**


	55. Bring Out The Alcohol

**A/N: I weighed out my desire to upload this chapter verses my desire to get reviews. I JUST LOVE THIS CHAPTER SO DAMN MUCH I HAD TO UPLOAD. *cough cough* Anyways, please review. I work hard to get these chapters out and I know a lot of the time I come off and overbearing and really rude, but its the reviews and knowing what you people think of my writing that makes this all worthwhile. So, please review.**

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Five: Bring Out The Alcohol**

**Dessie**

You have just been away from the Fence for eight months—what is the first thing you do when you get back? Any answers? Anyone? Think hard. Nothing? The correct answer is: Bring out the alcohol, it's party time!

I'm not kidding.

I was sprawled out on the floor behind the couch with a bottle of vodka. Leader, Konan, and Kate were sitting on the sofa. Leader and Konan were working their way through a box of beers, while Kate glared around the room at everyone who was able to drink. Hidan, Sasori, Madara, and Kakuzu were playing a game of poker, while Deidara ran around the room like a hyperactive idiot. Tobi was bothering Kisame who was sitting in the corner looking extremely depressed. Itachi was sitting in the armchair reading a book (he's too cool to stoop to our level).

"Dessie! Dessie! Dessie! Guess what I did today, uhn!"

I rolled over onto my stomach and took another long swing of vodka. "Lemme guess—you blew up the grocery store."

"Whoooooa," said Deidara. "How'd you know th'?"

"Because you told me five hundred times!"

Deidara giggled. "Oops. I forgot, uhn."

"Idiot."

Leader sighed. "Who bought alcohol?"

"Technically no one," said Kate. "We stole it."

Deidara giggled and jumped to his feet. He raced across the room and wrapped his arms around Kate's shoulders. "'Cause I blew up the store!"

"Careful Kisame," said Konan, taking a careful sip from her bottle of beer. "Deidara's trying to steal your woman."

Kisame was sitting in the corner, his arms crossed a scowl fixed on his face.

"What's up with him?" I asked.

"He's pouting because his girlfriend laid down the law," said Sasori. He opened another beer bottle. "Pregnant Kate said that since she can't drink, he can't drink either."

I laughed. "Sucks to be you, Fish Fry!"

"We have a solution!" cried Zetsu, emerging from the wall holding a black video camera.

"What the hell is that!?" shrieked Hidan, falling off the end of the sofa.

"Our beloved Hannah's video camera," said Zetsu. "We figure that while she's away we should record all the embarrassing moments of the Akatsuki for her to blackmail you with later."

"Gods damn you, Zetsu!" I cried. "We need to take advantage of Hannah's absence to get out all our embarrassing moments for the year! How could you bring that accursed thing out now! How could you!?"

"You're too noisy," said Madara, stepping over me. (I think he lost the poker game).

I reached out and caught hold of his leg, dragging him down to the floor beside me.

"Damn it!" snapped Madara. "Get off me!"

"You're not drunk enough," I said, pouting.

"Go bother Itachi."

"Will do. But first—" I tipped the bottle of vodka over in Madara's mouth and forced him to down a good half of the bottle. "Have fun." And then I skipped across the room and jumped into Itachi's lap. "Put that book down, Original Hottie! Come play with me!"

Itachi scowled. "Hn."

"That means 'no'!" said Kisame gloomily from his corner.

"Thank you Mr. Droopy!" I shouted. I turned my attention back to Itachi. "How are you, Love?"

"Hn."

"That means 'go away'."

I flipped him off. "Kisame! Go bother someone else!"

"No. Then I'll have to look at the alcohol."

"You're all a bunch of alcoholics," said Kate.

"Someone's grumpy because she can't drink," I called out, still sitting on Itachi's lap.

"She's not the only one who's grumpy," grumbled Kisame.

"The grumpy couple should just leave the premises!" I shouted as Itachi pushed me off his lap. I landed on the ground with a heavy thud and let out a cry of pain. "Ow! Ow! My soft, gorgeous ass! Itachi! You damaged my perfect ass!"

"Hn."

"He says it doesn't look that perfect to him," said Kisame.

I swear my left eyes started twitching. I stared at Itachi and ground my teeth together. "I'm forgiving you…" I said. "Because you're the Original Hottie…"

"Hn."

"He says you don't need to forgive him. He can beat you up whether you want him to or not."

"I know what he said!"

"Jashin fuck you! Kakuzu!"

Everyone turned to stare at the other side of the room where Hidan, Sasori, and Kakuzu were still engaged in the poker game. Hidan threw a pile of chips at Kakuzu's face and stormed off to get more beer.

"What happened to you?" asked Konan.

"He lost," said Deidara. "Just look at him. His face says 'LOSER' all over it."

"No," said Madara. "His face always looks like that."

"Oh burn!" I cried. "Nice one, Mada!"

"Oh shut it," said Madara, finishing off the bottle of vodka I gave him. "Go put some ice on that precious ass of yours."

"It is precious," I said, getting to my feet. "Just look at this baby!" I slapped my ass for everyone to see. "When I was trying on jeans in the department store, this black woman who worked there looked at my ass and said, 'Oooooh, you blessed!'—All I can say it, that black woman has good taste!"

"Sit down, uhn!" said Deidara. "We don't want to look at that shit!"

"Did you just call my ass 'shit'!" I cried.

"You got a problem, uhn?"

"Bitch! I'll scratch your eyes out!"

I never did get to scratch Deidara's eyes out, since Hidan caught me by the waist and pulled me onto his lap.

"Hey!" I cried. "What are you doing!?"

"You're obviously not drunk enough," said Hidan, handing me another bottle of vodka.

"Oh okay!" I said. I settled down on his lap and opened up the new bottle.

Konan reached for a new beer. "Dessie is so easily bribed."

"Hey!" I said. "Who could say no to sitting on a well-sculpted guy's lap and a bottle of vodka to go with it? Not me."

"What!? What!? What is this!? Blasphemy!? You cheated! You cheated! No! Never! Cheater!"

"What's going on now?" asked Konan.

We all turned around to see what chaos was going on in the poker game now. Kakuzu was standing up and pointing wildly at Sasori. A look a pure horror was on Kakuzu's face and he seemed unable to say anything except "No" and "Cheater".

"What happened?" asked Kate.

"He's just upset because I beat him in poker and won money from him," said Sasori, gathering up the cash they had been gambling with.

"What!?" cried Deidara. "But no one beats Kakuzu in poker except Dessie, uhn!"

"That's 'cause I'm pro."

"No! Cheat! No! Cheater! No! No! No! My money! No!"

"I can't help it," said Sasori. He shrugged. "I'm just that awesome!"

"No!"

Tobi patted Kakuzu on the shoulder. "Tobi understand Kakuzu's pain. One time Tobi had a lollipop and it was really good lollipop. But then Tobi saw a little boy who was unhappy because he didn't have a lollipop. So Tobi gave the boy the lollipop."

Kakuzu pushed Tobi's hand away. "That's not the same thing at all!"

Leader sighed. "Explain to me again why Tobi is in a world class criminal organization…"

"There are no words…" said Konan.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" cried Hidan. "Guess who has 'LOSER' written all over his face now!"

"It's still you," said Madara.

"Damn it!"

I took a swing from the bottle of vodka. "Poor Hidan. He'll always be second to Kakuzu. It's a matter of principle."

"I got a girlfriend before Kakuzu," said Hidan triumphantly.

"Yeah," said Konan. "But Kakuzu's relationship lasted longer."

"Hello?" said Hidan. "Who has a girl with an extremely hot ass sitting on his lap right now?"

"Thank you," I said.

"No problem." Hidan grinned at Konan. "And where is Kakuzu's girlfriend? Wait—Are they even still dating?"

"No!" called out Deidara and Zetsu.

"Probably," said Madara.

"Didn't he kiss her before we left the Dale?" asked Itachi.

"Tobi remembers that."

"WHAT?" cried Kate and Kisame. "When did this happen? Why? Why weren't we there to witness it and comment on it!?"

"Was it that important?" asked Hidan.

"Yes!" Kisame pretended to faint.

"The Love Guru and his helping Cupid must take advantage of these things!" cried Kate. "How could for neglect such vital information!?"

"Um…Maybe because we don't give a fuck?" said Hidan.

"Watch your language in front of Felix!" cried Kate, wrapping her arms protectively around her stomach.

"He swears worse than I do!" said Hidan.

I giggled. "You people are funny."

A sort of dead silence settled around the room as everyone turned to stare at me.

"Great…" said Konan. "Guess who drank too much."

I giggled. "Don't get silly, Cannon, I haven't drunk too much. I can totally have another bottle."

"Yeah, no," said Kate, removing the last bottle of vodka from the table. "I'm confiscating this."

"So mean!" I wailed. I reached out a hand trying to snatch the bottle from Kate, but Hidan held me back. "I'm being bullied. Original Hottie! Help me!"

"Hn."

"That would be a no."

"I know what it means! So cruel Original Hottie! I want my vodka! My vodka! Come on! Be nice to little hot Dessie!"

"Even when she's dead drunk she still compliments herself excessively," said Leader.

"It's not an attractive quality," said Sasori, leaning over the back of the couch.

"Shut up! You don't know me!"

And then I did the worse thing possible. Yeah, it was bad. Looking back on this, I don't know how I survived this night. It was stupid. It was reckless. And it was something only a really, really, really drunk Dessie would do—I whacked Sasori on the head with the empty vodka bottle. Or, at least, I _tried_ to whack Sasori on the head. I sort of missed…a hit Leader on the head instead…

…

Bad idea.

"Dessie."

I screamed.

Hidan was laughing his head off while I leapt up from his lap and sprinted across the room to cower behind Kisame.

"Don't use me as a shield!" cried Kisame.

"Save me! Save me! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I want to live! I want to liiiiiiiive!"

"Dessie." Leader got to his feet.

Kisame pushed me back across the room right in Leader's path.

"Don't kill me!" I sprinted across the room and caught hold of Itachi. "Save me, Original Hottie!"

"Haven't we been through this a thousand times tonight?" asked Konan.

"You people suck!" I screamed.

"Tobi will save Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi stepped forward.

"Move," said Zetsu, kicking Tobi out of the way of his video camera. "We're getting all of this for Hannah."

"Mean!" I cried. "Mean! Mean! Mean! Mean! Warg will damn you all to the depth of despair!"

"This one's going in the blackmail log," said Zetsu.

"I hate you!"

"Dessie." Leader was glowering at me. Somehow he had managed to find an extremely sharp butcher's knife and was now holding it a loft as he walked towards me.

"Why!?" I screamed. "It was an accident! An accident! I was aiming for Sasori!"

"Work on your aim!"

Leader hurled the knife at me. It embedded itself in the wall two inches from my head. I screamed and ran across the room, diving behind the couch for shelter—

WHAM!

I dove into Madara.

"Ow. Dessie. Get the hell off me!"

"Mada!" I cried, flinging my arms around his neck. "Mada! Save me! Save me! I'm too young and beautiful to die!"

"You deserved it."

"Mada!"

"What?"

"Mada!"

"Yeah?"

"You suck!"

Leader pulled the knife out of the wall and turned to face me. "Dessie. I. Am. Going. To. Rip. Out. Your. Soul. And. Feed. It. To. The. Ugliest. People. I. Can. Find."

I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Madara sighed. He stood up and scooped me up in his arms. "Fine. But you owe me."

"Anything! Anything! Anything! Just keep me alive!"

Well, Madara did what he said he would. I'm not exactly sure what happened (I probably blacked out from too much alcohol), but I'm pretty sure an epic elite ninja versus elite ninja fight broke out in the middle of the Akatsuki living room. I did get wild recounts from different members of the Akatsuki after the fact.

Hidan's Version of Events:

Madara and Leader got into a massive bitch fight (lots of slapping going on) and Konan (the Queen of Bitch Fights) decided to interfere and soon it became a three way bitch fight where Konan came out on top and Leader and Madara were severely humiliated. Then Pregnant Kate got pissed at all the loud noise and went ballistic on everyone in the room. Hidan rescued me from harm's way, but then an alcohol-deprived Kisame jumped on Hidan's back and the two started beating each other. Then Zetsu decided to eat Hidan's foot and Tobi decided to start beating Hidan over the head with a pillow. Kakuzu refused to help Hidan and even used those tentacles of his for dark purposes that we will never speak of again. However, despite the overwhelming odds of fighting Zetsu, Tobi, Kakuzu, and Kisame all at once, Hidan came out victorious. All praise Jashin! But while Hidan was distracted, Madara stole away with me like a thief in the night and Hidan could not save me.

Deidara's Version of Events:

Madara threw the first punch. Leader tried to cheat. Madara broke another bottle on Leader's head. Leader tried to strange Madara. The two were really getting into the fight and I was forgotten, uhn. Then Konan leapt in because they had started destroying the walls of the living room and Konan knew Leader would not be happy when his regained his senses. But then Leader accidentally hit Konan on the head and she went batshit insane and beat both Madara and Leader to a blood pulp, uhn. Then Hidan accidentally referred to Konan as a bitch and she beat him to death multiple times while he curled up on the floor and cried for his mommy, uhn. Then for no reason at all (probably because he was deprived of alcohol) Kisame decided to attack everyone in sight—he broke Zetsu's video camera, broke Tobi's arm, and broke the sofa. Then Pregnant Kate came out and whipped Kisame (I really need to buy Kisame a saddle). Then Deidara decided all this fighting had no artistic taste and blew the whole damn place up. Oh. And something happened between Madara and me in the middle of the fighting, but Deidara couldn't remember any of it, uhn.

Kate's Version of Events:

It was terrible! Awful! Madara and Leader were fighting! They were exchanging blows and it looked really dangerous. But Konan—beautiful, angelic Konan—stepped in and stopped them. Perhaps a little violently…but she stopped them! That's the important part. But then Kisame went all crazy—I have no idea why—and start hurting poor Tobi and Hidan and Deidara… Deidara was crying, I think. Well, after that I blacked out. I don't know what happened. But when I came to, Kisame was cowering in the corner, muttering something about needing to earn his, um this is a direct quote, "earn his balls back"—oh and you and Madara had disappeared.

I'm not sure how much of the hideout was destroyed, how much damage everyone else obtained, or even who won—what I do know is when I did regain some sort of consciousness I was lying in my bed with Madara face down on the floor next to the bed.

"Hey," I said, poking him with my foot. "Hey."

"Fuck off." He rolled over onto his back and glared at me.

He was a mess. Apparently his battle with Leader had been intense. His right eye was swollen and puffy (probably going to be black and blue tomorrow). His lip was cut and his black hair was matted and sticky with blood in some parts. He was a mess.

"You're so cute!" I cried. I jumped off the bed and flung my arms around his neck.

"What?"

"So cute! So cute! Can I make a little doll out of you and keep him on my bed and cuddle with him during the night because you're just so cute!"

"Um…You do know how creepy that sounds, right?"

"So cute!" I sat up and clapped my hands together. "Damn it! We should have gotten you a body earlier! This cuteness is just too much!"

Madara pushed me off of him and sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "You're weird."

"You're cute!"

"I don't even get to be a Hottie. I'm just a cutie."

"Cute." I giggled.

"You're drunk.

"Probably. Really, really drunk." I giggled. "Maybe that's why I think you're really cute right now. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense."

Madara shook his head. "Enjoy it while you can."

"Eh?"

"Who knows how long I'll keep this body for."

"Eh?"

Madara whacked me over the top of the head. "Grow a brain!"

"Eh?"

He sighed. "You really need to lay off the alcohol—I got this body when we went to the Dale. It was given to me by the gods. Now that we're starting a war with the gods—what do you think will happen to my body?"

I sat there for a good three minutes process what he had just said. "WHAT!? No. No. No. They're no." I crossed my arms. "Stupid bitchy gods, they can't ruin all my fun."

"I'm glad to know you think that way," said Madara, lying back down.

"They can't take this adorable face away from me!" I pinched Madara's cheek.

"Get the fuck off me." Madara swatted my hand away.

"So cute!"

I stared at Madara for a moment and then I laid down next to him. The carpet was rough, but not uncomfortable. Sort of like when you lie on the grass and some of the blades are digging into your back at a weird angle, but for the most part the grass is really soft—except for that brown, dry grass you get during a drought. That's just gross. And I'm totally getting off topic, aren't I? Okay. So. Me. And. Madara. In my room. Lying on the ground. (You can tell where this is going, right?).

"You're not going to lose your body," I said.

"Mm?"

"Because we're going to kick those godly asses right back to where they came from. We're going to conquer the Dale, bring Hannah back to life, keep your adorable body, and save the Fence. Oh, and I'm going to become Supreme Overlord of the Universe in the process."

Madara rolled his head to the side. "That's quite a to do list."

"Well yeah, but it's all part of my plan."

"To become Supreme Overlord of the Universe?"

"Yep."

"You're going to be a crappy Supreme Overlord."

"Thanks."

"That's because you're too stupid."

"Thanks."

"Just saying. If you want to be a good Supreme Overlord you'd need help. But you're too stupid to accept help."

I stick my tongue out.

Madara rolled his eyes.

"You know," I said. "If I had to share the position of Supreme Overlord of the Universe with someone, I would share it with you—not that I'm going to share it with anyone."

"Yeah." Madara leaned over and kissed me. (OhmyfuckinggodsJashinFourSqu isherNerissaandmainlyWarghei ssodamncute). He pulled away for a second and grinned. "I'm _really_ drunk right now."

"That's okay. I am too."

And the rest of this story is not going to be told unless I was Kate to decapitate m e and severe my innards for dinner. (Come back when your over eighteen and I'll tell it properly).


	56. The Morning After

**A/N: Okay. I really need to sit down and do nothing but hw today... Which means that I'll probably write until 4 and then realize I really have to do hw or I'm waking up at 1 a.m. again. Don't ya'll love me?**

**Reviews are nice. They're very nice. Nice people give nice reviews because it's nice. Nicely nice is nicest. Are you nice?**

* * *

**Chapter Fifty-Six: The Morning After**

**Kate**

I put the coffee on and waited.

Everyone was fast asleep, sprawled out across the living room, waiting until they would wake up at whatever godforsaken hour of the day and find out they had massive hang overs. Yep. The coffee was going to be in desperate need.

I patted my stomach. "Are you hungry Felix? I'm hungry too. What should we eat this morning?" I paused as if listening. "Toast? I think so too." I waddled over to the pantry and pulled a bagel out. I sliced it in half and dropped it into the toaster before waddling over to the table and taking a seat.

"You up?"

Kisame stood in the doorway (Oh right, he didn't drink either).

"Yeah," I said. "The coffee will be ready soon."

"Oh good." Kisame headed for the fridge and began rummaging around. He pulled out some sushi and sat down at the table opposite me. "That was a wild night, huh?"

"You have bandages all over your face."

"That was Sasori's fault. He thought it would be funny to unleash his Kage puppet on me."

"Well, you did try and gouge his eyes out."

"He was asking for it."

I shrugged. "I'm just saying. It's best to look at these things through a clear and unbiased mind."

"But Kate—you're _supposed_ to be biased. Towards me."

I smiled as the bagel popped out of the toaster. "Sorry. Let me correct myself. It's all Sasori's fault. How dare he hurt my precious Kisame. I should unleash all of my pregnant wrath upon him."

Kisame beamed at me as I buttered the bagel. He took a bite of sushi and said, "That's my girl."

"Yeah, yeah. So who do you think will get up first?" I sat back down at the table.

"Itachi. Did he even drink?"

"Who knows. Probably not. But he's too cool to have a hangover."

"Damn him and his coolness."

I paused and then said, "I think Tobi will come to the kitchen first. He doesn't seem like the type to drink a lot."

"Itachi will be first, definitely."

"Hn."

I leapt in my seat and spun around to see Itachi walking across the kitchen floor towards the coffee machine. I spun around and glared at Kisame. "No fair! You already knew he was up!"

Kisame shrugged. "It's my advantage for sitting facing the door."

I glared at Kisame. Then I got up and moved my plate of toast to the other end of the table. I sat down next to Kisame and we both faced the entrance to the kitchen while we ate our breakfast.

"Tobi is going to be next," I said firmly.

"Nope." Kisame grinned. "It's either Hidan or Deidara."

"Hn." Itachi picked up his cup of coffee and left the kitchen.

"Itachi says it will be Deidara," said Kisame.

"You're both wrong," I said firmly. "It'll be Tobi."

The door to the kitchen swung open and the blond haired fur ball walked in, rubbing his the big bruise on his left cheek and looking extremely tired. "Wheres da caffee?" he mumbled.

"Why are you so good at this!?" I cried.

"Ma head 'urts…" moaned Deidara.

"It's skill," said Kisame. "That and I've lived with the Akatsuki way longer than you have."

"It's been three years!"

"Head…" Deidara scrambled with the coffee machine. "Heeead…"

"He must be _really_ hung over since he isn't adding uhn to the end of everything," said Kisame.

"Fudge…" Deidara stumbled to the kitchen table and collapsed in a seat. "You… nahhhhh."

I patted him on the head gently. "Poor Deidara…" I turned to Kisame. "Next is Tobi."

"Hidan… Or Dessie. Dessie is actually usually an early riser."

"Tobi."

"Naarghhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Shut up, Deidara," said Kisame. "Mommy and Daddy are discussing important issues."

"Whodes Maaaa and Daaa are doooo?"

I sighed. "Drink your coffee, Deidara. It'll make you feel better. Some water might be good too—do you want me to get you some water?"

"Yaaaaaaargh."

I started to get up, but Kisame pushed me back down in my seat. "Hello? Who's the pregnant woman? He's the one who's hungover—he can get his own water."

"Naaaaaaargh."

"Kisame." I glared at my blue boyfriend. "Get him the water now."

"But—"

"Now."

Kisame got up and went to get the hungover Deidara a glass of water.

Deidara groaned. "Whaaaaapped."

"I think he means whipped," I said.

"Kwa-tschhhhhh." The door to the kitchen opened and Hidan (with a huge blood stain on his shirt) wandered in. He grabbed a glass from the counter and poured himself some water. "Sometimes I think the partying is not worth the hangover in the morning…Then I remember the fucking good times I had last night and I say—definitely worth it." He collapsed at the kitchen table opposite Deidara.

"That's the spirit," said Kisame, handing Deidara a glass of water and returning to his seat beside me. "Either Dessie or Konan is next."

"Tobi."

"Still going on about Tobi, huh?"

"Are dooo dill bettaaaaah?" mumbled Deidara.

"What?"

"That shitty redhead is next," said Hidan, his head on the table and his eyes closed.

"Dessie or Konan," insisted Kisame.

"Tobi."

"Did someone make coffee?" The redhead (covered in greenish purple bruises on his arms and face) opened the door to the kitchen caught sight of the coffee machine, and practically sprinted across the room to it.

"That was Kate," said Kisame.

"I win," said Hidan, holding out his hand. "Pay up."

"We're not betting," said Kisame.

"Like fuck you're not betting," said Hidan. "I was betting. Pay up."

"Make me."

Hidan sat up, but before he could get a word out of his mouth, Kisame slammed his fist on the table top. The sound cracked through the kitchen and Deidara, Hidan, and Sasori cringed in agony, clutching their broken heads.

"Make it stop!" cried Sasori.

"Maaaaa naaaaaargh!" groaned Deidara.

"Okay, okay!" cried Hidan. "You win! You win!"

"Good," said Kisame. He sat back in his seat and grinned. "This is almost worth the night of not drinking—oh and Konan is next."

I turned to the door. "Come on, Tobi! Come on, Tobi!"

The door opened to a woman with purple and blue hair. She was rubbing the top of her head where there was a nasty looking bump as she stumbled about the kitchen looking for coffee.

"Darn." I sighed. "Coffee's on the counter."

Konan clumsily filled herself up a cup before sitting next to Hidan at the table. "We're out of coffee. You might want to hurry before Madara or Leader gets up."

I got up and set about preparing another batch.

"The horror," said Hidan.

"Madara needs his own coffee pot," said Kisame.

"He'll drink all of that one and our as well," said Konan. Her eyes fluttered for a second and then she jerked upright again.

"Where does he put all that shit?" asked Hidan.

"Maaaaa don knaaaaaw," said Deidara.

Konan squinted at Deidara. "Whatchyou say?"

"He's not functioning properly today," I said.

"None of us are…" said Konan.

Hidan sat up and took a sip of coffee before lying his head back down on the table. "Zetsu."

"Huh?"

"Zetsu is next," said Hidan.

"It's Dessie," said Kisame.

"Tobi!" I cried a little too loudly (all the hungoverees turned to glare at me). "Sorry…"

"I think Kakuzu," said Konan.

"Madara," said Sasori

"Maaastaasssbi," groaned Deidara.

"Well that could be anyone," said Konan.

It was Kakuzu with a nose swollen to five times its usual size. (The current tally is: Kisame 4, Hidan 1, Konan 1, Deidara is disqualified since no one knows what he's saying, Kate 0).

"I'll win one," I said, sitting back down while the coffee machine brewed.

"Why isn't it ready?" groaned Kakuzu.

"Everyone already drank the first batch," I said.

"You snooze you lose," said Hidan drowsily.

Kakuzu picked up Hidan's mug of coffee and drank that. Hidan had too bad of a hangover to care properly. So when the next batch of coffee was done, Hidan dragged himself out of his seat, made himself a new cup of coffee, and then headed back to the table—only to find that Kakuzu had taken his seat.

"I fucking hate you," said Hidan before collapsing in the seat next to Deidara.

"At least mornings are more peaceful when everyone is hung over," I said.

"This is not my morning," groaned Hidan.

"It was not your night either," said Konan. "Kisame kicked the crap out of you."

"Did that happen?" asked Kisame sheepishly. "I don't remember this."

"Yes it did," said Konan. "Kisame went insane and beat Hidan half to death, then moved on to Sasori, and then punched Kakuzu in the nose and—"

"I think that's all we need to hear," said Kisame hastily.

"Normally I would poison your sushi," grumbled Sasori. "But my head hurts too much to think."

"Well that's good," said Kisame. "You know, the Love Guru supports the philosophy of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a great thing. It does not involve poisoning someone's sushi breakfast, but rather it is calming to the soil and soothing to inner turmoil."

"Please poison his sushi," said Hidan.

"Maaaaaa iiiim shaaaaat aaaaap," mumbled Deidara.

"What?" Konan looked around the kitchen in confusion. "What is he saying? I really have no idea."

"No one does," said Kakuzu. "I never know what Deidara's saying—even when he's sober."

"Faaaaaaaaak yaaaaaaaaa."

"That made more sense than usual."

There were footsteps down the hallways and we all turned to confer quickly.

"Dessie or Zetsu," said Kisame.

Konan shook her head. "Leader."

"Tobi," I said firmly.

"Dessie," said Hidan.

"Why isn't Dessie up yet?" asked Kakuzu.

"No idea," said Sasori. "I say Madara."

"Maaaaadaasssetsobi…" groaned Deidara.

The door opened—Leader stepped in. He had dark shadows under his eyes and paper cuts covered every inch of exposed skin he had. He stumbled over to the coffee maker and poured himself a cup.

Kisame: 4, Konan: 2, Hidan: 1, Kakuzu: 0, Sasori: 0, Kate: 0

(At least I wasn't alone in the 0 category)

"Tobi is going to come eventually…" I said.

Kisame patted my shoulder. "It's okay to admit defeat, Kate."

"Silence," said Leader. "I do not tolerate talking in the morning. Anyone who speaks will find himself without a tongue."

"We're gambling," said Kisame. "And Dessie is going to be next."

"Tobi?"

"Madara," said Konan.

"Zetsu," said Hidan.

"Dessie," said Kakuzu. "She's usually an early riser."

"Afffamaaaadoooobaaaa."

"Dessie," said Sasori.

"What are we gambling?" asked Leader. "Whatever. The answer is usually Dessie."

The door opened. We all spun around to see who it was.

Kisame: 5, Konan: 2, Hidan: 1, Kakuzu: 1, Sasori: 1, Leader: 1, Kate: 0

Dessie looked like a zombie. Her head was tilted slightly to the side and her lips were slightly parted as if she was in shock. While she lacked the bruises and cuts of the rest of the Akatsuki, she was dressed only in a white t-shirt (with the words 'A Bitch Has Got To Do What A Bitch Has Got To Do' across the front) and black laced underwear. She didn't notice everyone's eyes fixed on her as she walked across the room and got two mugs out of the pantry. She filled one with coffee. She looked at the other mug and then back at the coffee pot. She picked up the mug of coffee and the entire coffee pot. Then she turned and walked out of the kitchen.

…

"Did she just take all my coffee?" asked Leader.

"Who does she think she is?" asked Konan. "Madara?"

…

We all looked at each other.

"I-I-I haven't seen Madara yet today…" I said slowly.

…

Leader dropped his coffee mug. Deidara sat up. Konan screamed. Hidan clutched his head. Sasori leapt over the table. Kakuzu pushed Hidan out of his way. Kisame picked me up. Leader jumped through the kitchen door. Konan grabbed onto his collar. Hidan kicked Kakuzu in the back. Sasori ducked under Leader's arm. Kisame carried me down the hallway. Konan threw open the door of Dessie's room. Deidara opened his mouth:

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?"

Dessie was sitting at the end of her bed, sipping her cup of black coffee and staring at us in confusion. Behind her, Madara was sitting in her bed—shirtless (though I might add that was an extremely nice rack of abs he had there) and covered in papercuts. He was halfway through chugging down coffee from the coffee pot Dessie had stolen. At the sight of us, Madara put down the coffee pot.

"Hi," he said. "Can we help you?"

"Wha—wha—wha—wha—wha—?" Kisame was at a loss for words. I patted him on the shoulder and prayed he wouldn't drop me in his confusion.

"No," said Leader. "I refuse to accept it. All this means it that I'm still very, very drunk."

"This is wrong!" cried Konan. "Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! What happened to Hidan and Dessie? What am I going to do with my collection of HidaDess Forever t-shirts!?"

Deidara fainted.

Kakuzu turned to Sasori and held out his hand. "You owe me money."

"Na—na—na—na—na—na—?" Kisame was hyperventilating.

"I kind of expected this," I said.

Kisame almost dropped me.

"What!?"

"You idiot!" I cried. "Did you almost drop the pregnant woman!?" I prodded one of his bruises vengefully.

"What!?'

"Of course they were going to get together—they flirt like horny teenagers trapped in an extremely boring chemistry class—did you really just almost drop me?"

"What!?"

"You sound like a broken record."

"What!?"

I sighed and kissed him on the cheek. "Better luck next time, Love Guru."

"What!?"  
"You all are overreacting," said Dessie. She took another sip of her coffee. "Nothing happened."

"What do you mean nothing happened?" cried Kisame. "You're walking around in underwear—and I'm pretty sure you don't have a bra on under that shirt!"

I crossed my arms and glared at Kisame. "You really noticed that? Really?"

"Come on, honey!" cried Kisame. "Look at her chest! It's hard not to notice."

"Oh something's hard alright," said Deidara.

We all turned to stare at him.

"What?" said Deidara. "It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

Kisame turned back to Dessie. "Okay, first you're walking around like some, some harlot!" (Insert laughter from Akatsuki here) "And then we have Madara—who is not wearing _anything_…You are not wearing anything, right? You could have boxers on under those covers—I can't really see…"

"I'm naked," said Madara helpfully.

"See!" cried Kisame. "Something definitely happened!"

"Don't remember," said Dessie. "So nothing happened."

"That's what we call denial," said Sasori.

"It's not denial," said Leader. "Dessie says nothing happened and nothing happened . See, I'm not going insane—nothing happened."

Konan sniffled. "My HidaDess Forever t-shirts…"

"You can always cross out the Hida and put Mada," suggested Kakuzu. "It saves money."

"I object to that," said Madara. He picked up the coffee pot and chugged the rest of it down. "That's good stuff."

"Could you be more concerned about this!?" cried Konan.

"Why?" asked Madara. "I had sex with Dessie. She's in denial. Okay. Whatever."

"Don't make stuff up!" Dessie threw her shoe at Madara's head (dodged).

"Well," said Sasori. "At least that's more like normal Dessie."

"I'm so confused," said Deidara. "What actually happened?"

"Nothing happened!" cried Dessie and Leader.

"Sex," said Madara. (Dessie threw her other shoe at his head, but he dodged it easily).

"We have proof."

Everyone jumped a foot in the air and turned to see Zetsu's head sticking out of the wall next to the bed. He was grinning madly, showing all of his white teeth. He waved Hannah's video camera around for everyone to see.

"You have weird habits," said Madara.

"Oh?" Dessie leaned over. "You took a video. Am I good in bed?"

"Ah-ha!" cried Kisame. "So you admit! You two did have sex!"

"We didn't!" snapped Dessie. She turned back to Zetsu. "Can you make a copy for me to keep."

Madara scooted to the end of the bed and wrapped his arms around Dessie's shoulders. "Do we get to watch it together?"

"Alright!" cried Leader, his voice reached a high pitch I wouldn't have thought possible for him. "Let's break it up! Break it up!"

"Wait!" said Kisame. "I want to hear the proof!"

"Sex deprived maniac," said Sasori. Kakuzu nodded.

I shook my head at Kisame. "I'm disappointed in you."

Zetsu gleefully pressed play on the video camera. While the picture was too small for anyone by Madara, Dessie, and Zetsu to see, the rest of us could _hear_ pretty well… I can tell you the gist of what went on—but I'm editing out all the sounds! There's no way I'm letting your poor, innocent ears hear such foul things!

"_Yeah…I'm _really_ drunk right now_."

"_That's okay. I am too_."

"_So is this part of your plan to take over the world?_"

"_Mmm_?"

"_Seducing me_?"

"_Yeah. Is it working?_"

"_Pretty well. You might want to try _(THIS PART IS OMITTED BY KATE4KIDS) _and _(THIS PART IS OMITTED BY KATE4KIDS) _oh yeah and add some _(THIS PART IS OMITTED BY KATE4KIDS) _on top of that_."

"_Yeah, I can do that. But in return you have to _(THIS PART IS OMITTED BY KATE4KIDS)."

"_Ohhh.. You make me seem innocent_."

"_Good, aren't I_?"

Dessie turned to Madara and elbowed him in the ribs. "Aren't we wild? Did you see that move? I didn't even realize I could do that."

Madara nodded. "Yeah. I never knew how flexible you were."

"Okay!" I cried. "Do none of you have any cares for the baby that might be listening to this!?"

Zetsu turned off the video. "We thought it was good quality."

"Definitely," said Dessie. "It showed off my gorgeous body very well."

"The sound system was top notch," said Madara.

I groaned. "You two! Stop enjoying this so much!"

Leader collapsed to the ground. "No. No. No. Silence! I order you to rewind time and undo this!"

Konan sighed and patted Leader on the back. "It's okay. We'll make you more coffee and everything will be better."

"You know," said Kisame. "I haven't heard a word from Hidan throughout all of this."

Every eye turned to Hidan who was staring—bug eyed—at the video camera. Slowly he turned his head and grinned at Kisame (it was the scariest thing I have ever seen).

"Me?" said Hidan. "I'm fucking over joyed. My fucking ex-girlfriend finally got her fucking self a fucking man. So fucking happy. Aren't you fucking happy? I'm fucking happy." He patted Madara on the back (a little too hard). "Fucking look! He's fucking naked."

"Wahoooo!" Konan punched the air with her fist. "HidaDess Forever shirts might not be a waste of money yet!"

Madara got out of bed and stood up—they were about the same height. (of course, Madara was _naked_ which made the whole situation way more awkward that it needed to be).

"Problem?" asked Madara.

"Me? Have a fucking problem?" Hidan laughed. "No. What's _your_ fucking problem?"

I groaned. "Dessie… Stop them…"

Dessie was leaning over the edge of the bed watching Hidan and Madara excitedly. "It's like a dream come true!" she cried. "Two Hotties fighting over me!"

"Fighting over you?" asked Madara. "Who said I was fighting over you? I just don't want to be sworn at repeatedly so early in the morning. And by the way—I thought I was _cute_."

Dessie beamed. "You are cute. So adorable! Some here so I can pinch your cheeks! Oh—and don't forget to buy me a Madara doll."

"I'm not buying you a doll of me."

"But who am I cuddle with in the night?"

Dessie stared at Madara. Madara stared at Dessie. Dessie grinned. Madara scowled. Dessie grinned even wider.

"Okay!" said Leader. "I think that's enough of that!"

"It's kind of revolting, uhn," said Deidara.

"Agreed," said Sasori. "Let's go."

"Good," said Dessie, who hadn't taken her eyes off Madara. "Leave us alone."

Madara smirked. "I feel kind of violated."

"Gone!" said Deidara. He took two steps towards the door when—BAM!—it flew open and flatted Deidara against the wall. Tobi leapt inside and cried, "What did Tobi miss? What did Tobi miss!?"

…

"Wahooo!" I threw my hands in the air. "Point to Kate!"

Kisame shook his head. "It doesn't count if he's the last member of the Akatsuki to appear."

I crossed my arms and glared at Kisame. "Who's the pregnant girlfriend?"

Kisame sighed. "You are."

"Who just got a point?"

"You did."

"Good boy."

Deidara coughed. "Whipped."

Dessie grinned and cracked an imaginary whip over her head. "Kwa-tschhhh."

"Ha-ha," said Kisame. "Very funn—"

_DING-DONG_.

Leader looked around in confusion. "What is that?"

"That's the mystical thing that we call a doorbell," said Dessie.

"Yes—but do we have a doorbell?" Leader frowned. "No one should ring our doorbell. We have a secret doorbell. Who would be at our doorbell?"

Deidara sighed. "If the word doorbell had been replaced with just about anything else that would have sounded extremely kinky, uhn."

Dessie grinned. "Nice one, Deidara."

"You just had sex with Madara," said Deidara. "I can't take anything you say seriously, uhn."

_DING-DONG_

"Someone should get that," I said.

"I will!" cried Dessie. She leapt up from the bed and sprinted across the room, out the door and down the hall.

We stared after her.

Sasori sighed. "Did we really just let the girl wearing only a t-shirt and underwear go answer the door?"

Leader blinked. "Someone stop her."

"I will," said Madara as he strolled out after her.

We stared after him.

"Did we really just let the naked guy walking at a casual pace go stop the sprinting girl in only a t-shirt and underwear from answering the doorbell?"

…

Leader stormed down the hallway. Konan chased after him. Deidara laughed hysterically. Konan tried to calm Leader down. Kisame carried me carefully. Tobi was confused. Kakuzu and Sasori made a bet. Hidan was still swearing. Dessie opened the door. Madara stood behind her. We all froze.

"Hi," said Tsunade. "We had a meeting of the Kages and we have decided to help you in your war against—" She stared at Dessie and Madara.

Dessie squealed in delight. "Hottie!" She flung her arms around Gaara's neck.

Madara rolled his eyes. "Well that lasted a long time." He grabbed Dessie by the waist and pulled her off of Gaara.

No one else moved.

Leader sighed. "This is _not_ my morning."


	57. Ren, You Player

**Chapter Fifty-Seven: Ren, You Player**

**Hannah**

On one side: Ren (the god of the underworld and ex-general of the godly armies who also happens to be insane), Smithy (Ren's grumpy assistant), Noun (not exactly sure what he does), Princess Fou Mia (a cheetah), and me (not exactly sure what I do either).

On the other side: a mass amount of all powerful gods pissed off and ready to kill.

Yeah, I didn't like out odds either.

"Ren…" I said slowly.

"Yes, Princess?"

"Do you have a plan by chance?"

"Me?" Ren grinned and patted me fondly on the top of the head. "Princess, I always have a plan—that is, to never have a plan."

I sighed and then whacked him over the head with the magical frying pan. "How is that a plan then!?"

There were some familiar faces amongst the crowd of gods who stormed Ren's hall. Jaja, Alvera, Marcus, Glut, Deronde—they were all there. And they were already to take heads and kill me for good.

Just saying, but I happen to like existing.

They circled around us, weapons at the ready. My heart was somewhere at the level of my throat. I gripped the handle of my frying pan and glanced at my companions. They didn't seem nearly so concerned. Noun squatted next to Princess Fou Mia. He patted her head and fed her a biscuit. Smithy checked his watch and yawned. Ren grinned and bounced up and down on the balls of his feet playfully.

"Um… We are facing violent and painful deaths," I said.

Ren grinned. "That's what makes it exciting."

"We'll be fine," said Smithy.

"Princess, Princess," cooed Noun. "Do you want to take a nap?"

Princess Fou Mia opened her toothy jaw and yawned. She scratched her nose with her paw and curled up on the floor.

"Ren." A tall and imperious god stepped to the front of his companions. His long blond hair fell to his waist and his bright blue eyes were sharp. A golden crown was perched on his head.

"You," said Ren. I was surprised by the darkness in his voice.

"Me."

( I didn't find out until later, but this guy was Kandersay, the "King" of the gods.)

"What do you want?" asked Ren.

"Why are you protecting the sarmassophobic?"

I gripped the handle of a frying pan. Now would be a _really_ good time to smash the pan on the top of Kandersay's stupid blond head.

"You don't belong with her," said Kandersay. "She's dead. You're a god. This is a god's war."

"Is it now?" Ren turned to his cheetah. "What do you think, Princess? Should I join the gods and fight against the Akatsuki?"

Princess Fou Mia growled.

"She says no." Ren smiled. And then he kicked Kandersay between the legs.

"AH!"

Kandersay screamed and collapsed to the ground, clutching his broken dick. "What the hell!? AH! Ren!"

Ren snatched the crown off Kandersay's head. "Naughty, naughty—not yours."

"Give that back!" wailed Kandersay, still gripping the agonized spot between his legs. "Give it back!"

"You've been a bad boy," said Ren. He placed the crown on my head and giggled. "It suits you, Princess Hannah."

"Shut up."

Ren giggled again. Then his eyes snapped back to Kandersay and he was cold again. "This is my home. Fuck off."

"No," said Kandersay, shakily getting to his feet. "This is my universe. You fuck off."

And that's when the gods attacked us.

I have to say, I handled the situation with dignity and grace. I only screamed and ran away and cowered behind Ren half the time. The other half I screamed and hit the gods with my magical frying pan.

"Don't kill me!" Whack! "Not the face!" Whack! "I can't come back to life if you kill me again!" Whack! "Have pity!" Whack!" "I don't know that guy!" Whack! "I'm not sarmassophobic!" Whack! "I'm going to kill Dessie!" Whack! "Why won't you die!?" Whack! "You're harder to kill than Hidan!" Whack! "Eep!" Whack! "I only have one of those!" Whack! "No!" Whack! "Do you always do this!?" Whack! "Go attack Ren!"

Yep. I handled the situation really well.

Actually, Ren was doing really well on his own. Noun was cowering the corner somewhere while Princess Fou Mia bit and scratched anyone who came near her. Smithy was doing a pretty good job of chopping off heads with his broadsword. But it was Ren—who stood in the middle of the fighting—and massacred. I can't even describe it. He was just—what could they do? Gods may be damned hard to kill, but Ren could certainly incapacitate them like no other. That guy… Blood, guts, and gore—he wasn't general of the gods' armies for nothing.

Then Kandersay decided to go for the cheetah.

He drew upon all his godly powers (I still don't know what he's god of) in his right hand and lunged at Princess Fou Mia.

Noun screamed.

I swung my frying pan.

Smithy glanced over his shoulder.

Kandersay hit—

"You son of a bitch." Ren stood there in full god of the dead mode. I swear, rays of death and power were just radiating off of him. Her held on to Kandersay's wrist, containing Kandersay's mighty power. "Don't touch my cheetah."

And then Kandersay punched Ren.

I didn't scream. I didn't scream. I didn't scream. I didn't scream. I didn't scream. Okay, I screamed.

"REN!"

Ren blinked, rubbed his cheek, and then said, "Ow." He smiled and turned to me. "Princess Hannah? Were you worried about me?"

"No!" I swung my frying pan at a goddess's skull.

"Did you see that?" asked Ren, turning to Noun. "Princess Hannah was totally worried about me."

"Yes, Sir," said Noun.

Ren giggled. "It must be true. A guy and a girl cannot stay BFFs! Princess Hannah must be falling in love with me!"

"No!" I screamed. "Don't get any strange ideas!"

"I'm not…" said Ren innocently.

"You're getting strange ideas! I can see it in your eyes! Stop it! Stop it!"

Ren smiled and blew a kiss at me. (The ass.)

"What are you doing?" asked Kandersay. "You're always like this. Like—like—like you don't care and you just want to make fun of other people while they're being serious! You don't care! You don't know how much it hurts the other person!"

…

"Did you hear that, Princess Fou Mia?" Ren asked. "Looks like someone has some personal issues he needs to sort out."

"Shut up!" snapped Kandersay. "I'll kill that stupid cheetah! I'll kill it!"

Ren gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"I will! I will! I'll rip her brains out and make a fur coat from her fur!"

"Never!" With that, Ren grabbed Princess Fou Mia and jumped through the floor.

We all stood there for a moment, me, Smithy, Noun, Kandersay, and all the gods. We stared at the hole, unsure what we were supposed to do. Then, Smithy and Noun jumped into the hole after Ren.

Jaja grabbed me by the wrist and hissed, "Not you too."

"Jerk." I screamed at the hole. "Don't just leave me here!"

"Jump in!" shouted Noun from the depths of the hole.

"I'm a little preoccupied," I said, crossing my arms. "And I'm not jumping down a random hole. Ren will probably forget to catch me and I'll land on my head and die…again."

There was a pause.

"She has a point…" said Smithy.

"Hey!"

Ren leapt out of the hole, sprinted past the gods—who were all trying to kill him. He kicked Jaja cross the room and scooped me up into his arms bridal style.

"Sorry," said Ren. "Next time, I'll save you first."

"You'd better."

And then Ren jumped back down through the floor. We were inside the tunnels. Smithy started running down the tunnel, closely followed by Noun and Princess Fou Mia. Ren—still carrying sluggish me—sprinted after them. The gods were chasing after us now. Ren blew up the tunnel and caused a cave in, blocking us off from the gods.

"Yea-haw!" cried Ren. "Haven't done that in a while!"

"This happens often?" I asked, though it was more of a statement.

"You have no idea," said Smithy. "Ren likes to piss off the authorities."

"It's fun," said Ren. "They get all hot and bothered for some reason."

I sighed. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you love me and know me too well" said Ren. He kissed me on the forehead. "So? Did I make your heart race?"

"Hell no."

He looked positively disappointed. "It was denial, right?"

"Hell no."

Ren pouted.

"Hell no."

He sighed. "But we can still be BFFs, right?"

"Maybe."

We ran on for a little while longer, and then I looked up and the ridiculously handsome Ren and asked, "So what's up with stealing the guy's crown?" I tapped the golden diadem on my head.

"Kandersay," said Ren. "He's a dick."

"Not anymore," I said. "I think you took care of that problem."

Ren grinned. "Oh, Princess Hannah—you are a _bad girl_. You're even wearing the sexy ringleader outfit still. I kind of like this."

"No." I hit him on the head with my fist. "No."

"Fine, fine." Ren grinned. "Back to the story. The story started…A long time ago. Back when Himesh was king. The gods have always had a king," added Ren." "Since our creation—we're not even sure when that was, but there was king. And it was always Himesh. I like Himesh. Himesh was a good king. But then Kandersay decided he didn't like the king."

"The king was a bit of an airhead," interjected Smithy.

"Ah." I nodded.

"Kandersay was jealous," said Noun. "He adored Ren, but Ren only had eyes for the king. So Kandersay decided that if he became king, Ren would adore him back."

"This sounds like a love triangle," I said.

"Don't be silly," said Ren. "I only love you and Princess Fou Mia."

"That's a love triangle too…Ren—are you involved in two love trianges!?"

Ren pretended to blush. "You caught me."

"Princess Fou Mia and I are offended."

"Ah!" Ren grinned. "So you're jealous. Princess Hannah really does love me—do you see this, Smithy?"

"Yes, General," said Smithy.

"Oh just get on with the story," I snapped.

Ren adjusted his hold on me. "So Kandersay led this giant revolution against King Himesh. This is just another war in the long line of the gods wars, but this was the first time the gods had rebelled against a king. Well, I like Himesh. I fought for many of Himesh's troops betrayed him. Soon it was only me and a few others gods who remained at Himesh;s side. Himesh charged me with an important task and I had to leave. The rebels killed Himesh and put that pretender on the throne."

"The guy who's in love with you," I said, nodding.

"Your rival," said Ren.

"You wish." I frowned. "So you don't like Kandersay, but he's obviously not over you. And now he wants you to join his side and you say no. So basically during this war with the Akatsuki, you're going to take advantage and take the throne from Kandersay."

Ren smiled. "You know me so well—it must be true love!"

"It's not."

"Come on, just admit you love cuddly ol' Ren and we can get hitched and have little demigod babies. They'll be beautiful—my face, and your…and my hair and your… and my eyes and your…and my godliness and your…and my personality and your…" Ren paused. "And your teeth. Actually, no, my teeth would be better…and my fashion sense… Some of them can have your gender."

I flicked his nose. "You suck."

"I love you."

"No."

Noun coughed. Princess Fou Mia let out a low growl, which caused Ren and I to stop our bickering.

"We're here," said Noun. He pointed up.

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling of the tunnel and let out a low groan. "No. No. No. No. You've got to be kidding me."

Ren grinned. "Are you ready, Princess Hannah?"

"No!"

He jumped up.

Dirt, rubble, roots, and all other earthy thing showered down upon us. When the rain of muck stopped and a bright light filled out eyes, I looked around and found myself standing in an all too familiar kitchen.

"General! Hannah!"

I looked over Ren's shoulder to see Paban. He grinned and waved.

"Hannah! You're still wearing that adorable sexy ringleader costume!"

I sighed. "Can I have my clothes back now?"

* * *

**A/N: Not my best chapter. Unfortunately, I had to do plot. And plot chapters are hard to make funny. You all understand Ren's history with King Himesh, right? Ren has special task. DunDunDun. hahah it's pretty obvious. **

**REVIEW BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME AND I SPENT MY FRIDAY NIGHT WRITING THIS FOR YOU! (Otherwise Princess Fou Mia is going to scratch your eyes out-grrrrrrr!)**


	58. It's Time To Have The Talk

**Chapter Fifty-Eight: It's Time To Have The Talk**

**Dessie**

"Why are you naked?" Tsunade tried to avoid looking anywhere below Madara's eye-level.

"And why doesn't Dessie have shorts or a bra on?" asked Gaara.

I giggled. "So you noticed."

"Who wouldn't notice!?" snapped Kisame. (I'm pretty sure Kate was glaring at him).

Leader sighed. "Dessie, Madara—go put something on."

"I have something on," I said, waving my hand in the air.

"_Go put something more appropriate on_!"

I scowled, but followed Madara back into the hideout (But not before I blew a kiss to Gaara. He may have looked repulsed on the outside, but on the inside he secretly liked it.)

"You're still not over your Hottie obsession," said Madara.

"Silly Porcupine," I said. "I will never be over my Hotties. Beautiful things make the world go round."

"I'm pretty sure science proved you wrong a long time ago."

"Yeah, but then we discovered gravity defying ninjas and science was proved wrong."

I pushed open the door to my bedroom. I paused in the doorway and looked over my shoulder at Madara. "So do you know what the Kages are here for?"

Madara shrugged. "They probably don't want their world to be taken over by gods."

"So they've come to help?"

He nodded.

"You know…" I frowned. "How the hell do they know where our hideout is?"

"Maybe your secret hideout isn't as secret as Leader thought it was."

"Gods damn it!"

"Oh they will be damning it. They will be damning it very soon."

I flipped off Madara and slammed the door behind me. I pushed all my weight against the door, holding it shut against him. I could hear him laughing loudly on the other side of the door.

"Don't laugh!" I shouted. "I'm holding your clothes ransom!"

There was a pause. And then Madara kicked the door opened. I slammed into the wall—_crack_! Madara stood in the middle of the room, completely naked, arms folded across his chest, and grinning smugly.

"You were say?"

I pushed the door closed and turned to glare at him. "You're an asshole."

"Yeah, but you like this asshole." He picked up his red t-shirt from the floor and pulled it on over his head. "Don't even bother denying it."

I pulled some clothes out of my dresser drawers (For those of you who are curious about my _amazing_ fashion sense—black leggings and a long gray-silver collared shirt—I looked sexy. As Madara would say, "Don't even bother denying it.")

"Are you wearing a bra this time?" asked Madara.

I grinned. "Disappointed?"

"Proud. I wasn't sure if you knew how you use one."

We finished getting dressed and headed back down the hall. The Akatsuki and the Kages were standing outside talking in groups. Leader was still in heated conversation with the Kages (from what I could tell he was outraged that they knew where the hideout was this whole time). Konan was trying her best to calm Leader down while Kakuzu stood off to the side trying to figure out how best to cheat the Kages out of their national treasuries. Deidara was trying to check out the Mizukage's cleavage. While Hidan and Kisame had a lengthy discussion comparing Tsunade and Mei (the Mizukage) on the ten to one hotness scale. Kate was glaring at Kisame, who hadn't remembered her existence yet while Sasori helped her plan her revenge. Itachi was looking badass as usual and Zetsu was licking his lips and watching the Tsuchikage (Onoki) hungrily. Tobi was just super happy and kept trying to hug the Mizukage who, according to him, was "soft and squishy". I'm still trying to decide if Tobi is just really innocent or a pervert.

My impressions of the Kages?

Tsunade the Hokage—old woman who has serious issues with aging. She can be too serious, but gets violent really easy. Probably holds grudges against us since we destroyed her village. Also, she has big breasts (mine are bigger).

Mei the Mizukage—young woman who can't hold a serious relationship to save her life. Overly cheerful because she's trying to compensate for her lack of a love life. Likes Hotties. Also has big breasts (but not as big as mine). She sort of a like a younger, hotter version of Tsunade.

Oonoki the Tsuchikage—the old geezer who thinks he's better than everyone else because he's old. He has no taste in women and never stops talking about the old days.

Ei the Raikage—lots and lots of muscles. I could drool over muscles like that. A bit perverted, but he's fun. Sort of like the Chuck Norris of the Fence.

Gaara the Kazekage—(excuse me while I drool) So hot! Red hair! Green-blue eyes! Tattoo on his forehead! Emotionless gaze! Dark backstory! So hot! So sexy! Love! Love! Love! Can I keep him forever?

Well, that would be them. You can imagine the sort of disasters that come about when they meet the Akatsuki.

"We're back!" I cried. "And fully dressed!"

"It's not like it makes a difference," said Tsunade. "Scarred once, scarred for life."

"You know you enjoyed it," I said.

"I know I enjoyed it," said Mei, smiling at Madara.

"Ahhhh no." I crossed my arms and glared at the Mizukage. "Nah-ah. That one isn't for grabs. Go check out Deidara or Sasori or someone."

"Well," said Mei thoughtfully. "The Uchiha isn't too bad."

"Nope. He's too badass for you. Try again."

Mei raised one eyebrow. "Are they all yours?"

I paused to consider this. "Yeah. Pretty much."

The Raikage (Ei) let out a booming laugh. He pounding his fist to the palm of his other hand and cried, "She's a little lady who knows what she wants! I like it!"

"Shut up, Ei," said Mei. "You only like her because she was walking around in undies earlier."

"Well," said Ei. "If you walked around in undies more often, I would like you better too."

"You both have no judgment of people," said Oonoki. "Appearance has nothing to do with it."

Mei coughed. "Says the guy who guy who has the nose the size of my chest."

Oonoki glared at her, and said, "Wrong. It's about _power_."

"I have that too!" I said, waving my hand above my head. "I'm a fucking immortal!"

"Shut up," said Madara, wrapping one arm around my waist and pulling me away from the nickering Kages. "You don't go telling people you just met all your secrets."

"But it's fun…"

Madara glared at me.

"Okay, okay…"

"What is this?" cried Konan sliding between us. "What are you doing? No. No. Dessie, go flirt with Hidan by trying to kill him! Go! Go!"

I looked over my shoulder and Hidan and Kisame.

"Yeah," said Hidan. "But Mei's breasts have a little more bounce to them."

"Tsunade's are more rounded," said Kisame. "Big and full."

"She's an old lady—as soon as her jutsu wears off they'll be wrinkled and saggy. Perky is best."

I turned back to Konan. "I think he's doing fine without me."

"So wait…" said Tsunade, stepping past Leader and staring suspiciously at Madara and me. "Are you two…_dating_?"

"No!" cried Leader. "Not possible. Not possible. It didn't happen. It was a misunderstanding. Didn't happen."

"That makes me even more suspicious," said Tsunade.

"Dating?" I asked, suddenly away that every member of the Akatsuki was listening intensely. "Um…" I turned to Madara. "Are we dating?"

Madara frowned. "Are we?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe not."

"Can we not and say we did?"

"How does that work?"

"I don't know…"

"So," said Tsunade. "You two haven't had the Talk yet."

I swallowed and glanced nervously at Madara. He wasn't looking at me. I turned back to Tsunade and said, "The what?"

"The Talk."

"Never heard of it."

Oonoki sighed. "They're little kids! Little kids!"

"I've been around longer than you have," said Madara.

"Then why don't you have the balls to sit down and have the talk?" Oonoki grinned triumphantly. (He's sort of like Squisher, the same size and the same amount of annoying).

Madara yawned. "I think we've all seen that I have balls."

"Oh yeah we have," said Mei.

"Keep it in your pants," said Tsunade. "We're here on business."

"Right," said Leader. "A war."

"We have more important things to discuss," said Kisame (who had finally stopped discussing Tsunade and Mei's boobs). "Madara. Dessie. _Why haven't you had the Talk yet_!?"

"I'm still not sure what the Talk is," I said.

"They don't need the talk," said Konan hurriedly. "The Talk is for people who actually like each other—like Hidan and Dessie."

"Wait…What?" I blinked. "I'm so confused! You're making my head hurt! Stop! Stop!"

Madara smirked. "It's beyond your brain capacity. Idiot."

"Don't call me an idiot!" I cried. I tried to punch him, but he caught my hand. I tried to use my other hand, but he caught that too. I glared at him. He grinned at me. Gods damn that adorable asshole.

"This is getting kind of kinky," said Ei.

"Kate!" wailed Kisame. "Why can't we do that some time?"

Kate crossed her arms across her chest and glowered at Kisame. Her pregnant rage was practically radiating from her swollen stomach.

Kisame cringed. "Yes, dear?"

Sasori cackled menacingly and from out of nowhere his demonic puppet sprung at Kisame, preparing to slice open Kisame's head. Kisame screamed and ducked just in time—the puppet flew past him and plastered Tobi to the ground. (I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.)

"What the hell!?" cried Kisame. "What was that for?"

"Help!" wailed Tobi. "Help! Tobi has fallen and he can't get up!"

"You and your horniness!" cried Kate. Tears sprung to her eyes. "I'm pregnant so you watch other women! You have long conversations about how Tsunade has a nice chest! It's not fair! I know I'm fat right now but—but—but—but _how could you do this to me_!?" She started bawling.

"Um…Is she okay?" asked Gaara.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "It's the pregnancy induced hormones."

Kisame scooped Kate up in a hug. "There, there," he said, petting her head. "I don't just look at other women's chest because you're pregnant—I do that all the time."

Deidara slapped his hand against his forehead. "he's an idiot, uhn."

Kate wailed and pushed Kisame away. "I'm going to go find a new daddy for my baby." She turned to Sasori. "How do you feel about being a dad?"

"Um…no."

Kate nodded once and then turned to Hidan. "How do you feel about being a dad?'

"Hell yeah!"

"Nope!" Kisame pushed Hidan out of the way. "No-no-no-no-no. There is no way Hidan is being a daddy—that baby won't last a week!"

"I think a day is more accurate," I said.

Kate glowered at Kisame for a second and then turned to Zetsu. "How do you feel about being a dad?"

Zetsu licked his lips. "We like babies very much."

"Um…Never mind." Kate turned to Leader. "How do you feel about being a dad?"

"Babies are annoying," said Leader. "They cry too much. They poop too much. They aren't evil and they can't take over the world. What's the point?"

"You're not giving Felix to him!" cried Kisame.

Kate ignored Kisame. "Madara, how do you feel about being a dad?"

"Hey!" I cried, jumping between Kate and Madara. "This one is mine!"

"Ah-ha!" cried Tsunade. "So you are dating?"

"Did I say that?" I asked. "I don't remember saying that?"

"Then Madara's free," said Kate. She smiled up at him. "I think you'd be a good daddy. What do you say?"

"Hey!" cried Kisame. "Hey! Felix! No! He doesn't want that! He doesn't want that! Felix loves me! He loves me!"

Madara glanced at me and then smiled at Kate. "I wouldn't mind being a daddy."

"Absolutely not!" I cried, flinging my arms around Madara's shoulders. "This cutie is mine! My boyfriend can't be the father of some other chick's baby!"

"Ah-ha." Kate smiled.

Tsunade clapped her hands together excitedly and Oonoki sighed. "Finally."

"So you admit it?" asked Madara. "I know, I know, I'm extremely handsome—you just couldn't resist me."

"Shut up," I said, releasing him. I turned my back to him and firmly addressed the wall of the hideout. "I think it was more my amazing hotness that caught you—oh so mighty Porcupine."

Madara snickered. "I'm just in it for the sex."

I spun around. "You ass—I'm breakin—"

Madara leaned over a kissed me lightly. "Also for the world domination. And the amusement. And your ridiculously large chest."

I paused for a second. "Alright. I guess I can forgive you. My chest is pretty nice." And then I kissed him back. This kiss was a little longer than the other one. Okay…a lot longer.

"Damn it," said Hidan. "He knows how to stop her temper tantrums."

"It's so cute," said Kate.

"It's disgusting," said Zetsu. "We think they're trying to eat each other's faces."

Mei sniffled. "I want an adorable relationship like that!" She turned to Ei and flung her arms around him. "Kiss me! Sweep me off my feet!"

"Too much clothing on," said Ei firmly.

"You pervert!" cried Mei, releasing him.

"I refuse to believe this is happening," said Leader, crossing his arms. "I'm just going crazy."

"We have evidence," said Zetsu, pulling out the video camera.

"No! Not again!" cried Leader. "Never again! I don't want to see that ever again!"

"What's on that tape?" asked Tsunade.

"Is it porn?" asked Ei.

"Well…" said Deidara slowly. He shrugged. "Close enough, uhn."

"It's Dessie and Madara doing it," said Sasori.

"Hn." (I think Itachi said something along the lines of "We don't really know why Zetsu filmed it.")

I wasn't really paying any attention to this conversation since I was still getting friendly with Madara—my _boyfriend_. Oh gods, that word just sounds weird. Maybe I should just break up with him and then I won't half to use it again. We can just be friends with benefits, right?

"Aw, isn't that cute," said Kisame, hugging Kate lightly. "So adorable—like someone I know…"

"Please get off," said Kate. "I still haven't forgiven you."

"Come on! I love only you!"

"Please get off before I decide to stop being nice and go into pregnant mode."

Kisame quickly released her.

I pulled away from Madara (See it wasn't _that_ long of a kiss…) "Sucks to be you, Kisame!"

"Oh go fuck a porcupine!" snapped Kisame. He paused and thought about what he just said, "Where did that come from?"

"I might just go do that," I said, grinning.

It didn't happen.

Because at that moment the rest of the shinobi arrived.

What a shame.

* * *

**A/N: Wow. I didn't mean for this chapter to be so MadaDess oriented - oops. Oh well, I liek the interaction between the Kages, it turned out better than I thought. Ei=Raikage. He's actually supposed to be A but I thought that would be confusing so I used Ei instead. Mei and Ei and Oonoki and Tsunade and Gaara. And now everyone else has arrived. And Kate and Kisame are fighting. So...Find out what happens in the next chapter of The Criminally Insane Series next time!**

**Which only happens after your review.**

**(I love you) **


	59. Kate's Guide To Forgiveness

**Chapter Fifty-Nine: Kate's Guide To Forgiveness**

**Kate**

"You."

"You."

"OHMYGODS IT'S SUIGETSU!"

Dessie sprinted across the grass and flung her arms around Suigetsu neck.

"Hey," said Suigetsu. "What's up with you? I see your chest is still as shapely as ever."

"Definitely," said Dessie, stepping away from Suigetsu. "You look as hot as ever."

Sasuke, Suigetsu, Karin, and Juugo stepped across the grass. Sasuke and Juugo tried to maintain the cool, unemotional expressions on their faces, but as Dessie and Suigetsu started to gossip, Karin twitched and screamed, "Don't act so familiar with her, idiot!"

"Someone's cranky," said Dessie.

"What?" asked Suigetsu. "It's not like we haven't saved the Fence from invasion with her before—you can't be a little less bitchy, Karin?"

Karin scowled.

"She hasn't changed a bit," said Dessie fondly. She caught sight of Sasuke and immediately released Suigetsu. "Mini-Hottie!" She raced over to him and tried to hug him. He stepped out of the way and she crashed to the ground spectacularly.

"Someone should clean that up," said Sasuke.

"She looks dead," said Juugo, poking Dessie with his foot.

"She's always like that, uhn," said Deidara.

Dessie leapt up to her feet and giggled eagerly. "I missed you Mini Hottie, Snow Hottie."

Sasuke ignored her and turned to face Itachi. "You."

"Hn."

"The last time I saw you, you confessed to killing our family to prevent a rebellion—is that true?"

"Hn."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hn."

"Hn."

"Hn."

"SOMEONE STOP IT WITH THE HNS!" cried Oonoki, clasping his hands over his shriveled ears. "USE PROPER WORDS PEOPLE!"

"They're Uchiha," said Kisame. "It's what they do."

"What am I?" asked Madara.

"Tobi is Uchiha and Tobi doesn't say hn." Tobi paused for a second. "Hnnnnnnnnnnnn. Nope. Tobi doesn't think it sounds right."

"Maybe it's just a brothers thing," said Dessie thoughtfully.

"Lady Tsunade! We've arrived!"

Tsunade looked over her shoulder to see the troops of Konoha arrive. Shizune stood out front waving at Tsunade. She caught sight of the Akatsuki behind her and her hand fell to her side. Apparently Konoha had not forgiven us for destroying their town and killing their people…Perhaps that's why the group from Konoha was so small. Naruto and Sakura stood to the right of Shizune, talking to each other in lowered voices. Sai seemed pretty relaxed and kept adding side comments about Naruto's (censored by Kate4kids). Then there was Tenten and Neji who kept rolling their eyes at the hyped up Gai and Lee (I still find those green outfits offensive to the eye). Team Asuma did not show up (they still really, really hate us). But there was Kakashi (which made Dessie happy), Hinata (she's so cute), Kiba, and Shino. Then a dozen other shinobi with grim expressions. I think they came more out of obligation to their Hokage than to save the world. (Grudges: Akatsuki has tried to kidnap Naruto on multiple occasions, destroyed the village on multiple occasions, Itachi killed his entire clan, Hidan killed Asuma, Kakuzu stole a lot of money from them, Madara fought against their first Hokage, Tobi unleashed the Kyuubi on them…)

Then there was Suna's army (which was only slightly larger) with Temari and Kankuro at the head. The Suna people looked grave—that was until Dessie tried to make out with their Kazekage (again)—then they all looked murderous. Grudges: Sasori's from the Akatsuki, he and Deidara killed a lot of guards men upon their arrival, Deidara killed Gaara—though he came back to life, Kakuzu stole a lot of money from them, Dessie attacks their Kazekage with hugs…a lot, and she's knocked out Kankuro on multiple occasions.)

After Suna came the shinobi of Kiri (where the Mizukage is from). Their army was much larger since I think we bother them less than we do Suna and Konoha. Though a couple of the men were cracking knuckles at Kakuzu. (Grudges: Kakuzu stole a lot of money from them, the Three-Tails and the Six-Tails were killed there, one of their Mizukage's was controlled by Tobi/Madara and he ended up being evil, and Kisame is from there and he killed a lot of people).

Iwaga had a reasonable sized army with a cheerful lot in the front. However, they did not seem happy when they saw the Akatsuki. (Grudges: The Akatsuki captured the Four-Tails and Five-Ttails from them, Deidara is from there—he destroyed a lot of people as he left, and Kankuro stole a lot of money from them.)

The largest army came from Kumo (home of the Raikage) with Killer Bee (their jinchuriki) in the front. Bee marched up, flowing off a rap song that went a little something like this, "We may be last but let us pass because we came to kick some godly ass!" (Grudges: Kakuzu stole a lot of money from them.)

"Hotties!" cried Dessie. She charged into the group and tried to tackle them with hugs—most of them tried to dodge her, but some—Neji—were hug tackled.

"Aren't you going to try and stop her?" I asked Madara.

He shook his head and grinned. "Watching her get rejected is too much fun."

I sighed.

"You're as mess up as she is," said Kisame, trying to wrap and arm around my waist (again).

"Nope," I said, sliding out of his grasp. I placed one hand on my stomach (being fat puts me off balance). "I still haven't forgiven you yet."

"Kate!"

I looked around a saw Sakura (in all her pinkness). She smiled at me and gave me a hell hug. I hugged her back, a little surprised.

"I see your pregnancy has been coming along well." She glanced up at Kisame and giggled. "Is he the father?"

"Not right now," I said firmly. "Madara's the father right now."

"To hell he is!" shouted Dessie. "He's mine! Mine! Stay away from him!"

"Um…" Sakura stared over her shoulder at Dessie. "Is she serious?"

"They haven't had the Talk yet," I said. "But they're getting there. Fine. Leader didn't want to be the daddy. Hidan can't be the daddy. Zetsu _definitely_ can't be the daddy. Sasori won't be the daddy—hey, Deidara, do you want to be the daddy?"

"Do I get to teach him arts and crafts?" asked Deidara.

"Um…No."

"Then I don't want him, uhn."

I sighed. "Itachi, what do you think? Want to be a daddy?"

"Hn."

"I'll take that as a yes." I turned to Sakura and smiled. "Itachi is the daddy currently."

"Felix has a lot of daddies…" said Sakura. She glanced over my shoulder and Kisame, who was curled up on the ground on the verge of tears. "Is he really a member of the Akatsuki?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "They seem scary when you first meet them, but in actuality, they're silly."

"I'm not silly," said Madara.

I smiled. "Yes, dating Dessie isn't silly at all."

"I love you, Kate…" said Kisame, hugging my leg. "I love you. You're the prettiest girl around. You're sweet and cute and kind and prefect even when you're pregnant and I won't look at another woman's chest as long as I live."

"Really?" I stared down at him. "Can I hold you to that?"

Kisame nodded.

I grinned and then wrapped him in a massive hug. "Good! I didn't know how much longer I could hold out! How could I be mean to you for so long? I don't like it when you're unhappy! It's so mean! I was being mean! Can you believe that? No!"

"I love you!" wailed Kisame.

"Me too!" I cried.

"This is pathetic," said Madara, and he left to go tease Dessie.

I could continue to describe my reunion scene with Kisame, but it'd be funnier if I told you about everyone else.

First up, Leader and Konan.

Konan cheerfully greeted Shizune, who if nothing else, at least _liked_ Konan. She smiled stiffly and asked how Konan was doing. Eventually the two of them got into a deep conversation about how terrible being a measly assistant was. Leader and Tsunade watched on awkwardly.

"I know!" cried Konan. "He's like do this, do that, oh and while you're at it make sure this is right—and I'm like ohmygods I'm doing more work that you!"

"Exactly," said Shizune. "And it'll be the most mundane task—go fix me a drink, go buy me a pizza, go check my dry cleaning…"

"Go make me a sandwich," said Konan.

Shizune gasped. "That's sexist!"

"Like he cares."

"The boss never cares," said Shizune. "It's always her concerns first."

"It's terrible."

"A dictatorship!"

Leader stared at Konan, then at Shizune, then he turned to Tsunade and said, "They know we can hear them, right?"

"I think that's the point," said Tsunade.

Deidara stared at Gaara. Gaara stared at Deidara. Kankuro stared at Deidara. Temari stared at Deidara. The entire shinobi of Suna stared at Deidara. Sasori stood there awkwardly, wondering if he should intervene. Then he decide against it and figured it would be more interesting to see how long it would take for someone to speak. It was awhile.

Eventually, Deidara grinned sheepishly and said, "You came back to life, uhn."

"What is he doing here?" asked Kankuro. He pointed at Sasori.

Sasori sighed. "Me? I don't know who you are."

"How can you not know!?" cried Kankuro. "You almost killed me!"

"No I didn't."

"How can you say that!? I saw you try and kill me!?"

"More importantly," said Temari. "Aren't you dead?"

Sasori sighed again. "No. I'm very much alive."

"But Sakura killed you…"

"Still alive. I don't even know who Sakura is."

"She the pink-haired bitch who tried to kill you when we attacked Konoha, uhn," said Deidara helpfully.

"Oh. Her. She was a bitch."

"_How do you not know who she is_!?" cried Temari. "_She and your grandmother killed you_!"

Sasori sighed (how many times does he sigh in one conversation!?). he turned to Temari and said rapidly, "I came from another world named Seanova and I was terrible child and I stole and I killed and I was an assassin because my mother and father abandoned me and left me in slavery but I escaped by killing my master and deceiving his daughter and I ran away with his daughter but she was nagging all the time so I killed her and then I joined the circus where thy taught me about puppets but the puppets were boring so I made them kill people and they were much more interesting but the circus people didn't like that I killed the audience—they just didn't understand art—so then I was wandering the streets and I killed a cop and I got arrested and one day I ran into these idiots and they said that I looked like their Sasori so I went along with them for amusement and ended up joining a war with them and winning that war and then coming back to the Fence with them where apparently everyone knows me but actually I'm a foreigner and they don't know me and also I don't have a grandmother." Sasori took a breath. "Does that straighten out your confusion?"

…

"What?"

* * *

"You owe me money." The man from Kiri glared at Kakuzu. He drew his kunai and pointed it at Kakuzu's throat. "You'd better pay me back."

Kakuzu folded his arms across his chest. "I owe everyone money."

"Pay me back."

"No."

"Pay me back or I'll decapitate you!"

"Leave me alone or I'll rip out your heart and add it to the collection inside my chest."

The man from Kiri slid away only to be replaced by a man from Iwaga. He lifted an axe for Kakuzu to see and said, "You owe me money."

Let the endless cycle begin.

* * *

"So, how have you been?" asked Dessie. She had not let go of Neji's hand since she had caught sight of him.

"Fine…" Neji tried to pull his hand away, but Dessie kept a firm grasp.

"I've been great!" cried Dessie. "Thanks for asking!"

"But I didn't…"

"Just go with it," said Madara. He appeared next to Tenten, his arms crossed and a permanent smirk on his face. "Once she wants something—she never lets it go."

"Er…" Neji looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Madara!" cried Gai. "Fight me!"

"Eh? Why?"

"Because I want to see who is stronger! The Will of Youth compels me!"

Madara stared at Gai for a good long moment,. Then, he said, "I won."

"What? But we haven't even fought!"

Madara punched Gai in the face and sent Gai crashing to the ground. "See?" said Madara. "I won."

Gai cough and sat up, massaging his aching gut. "I say… that was a youthful punch…"

"Gai-sensei!" cried Lee, rushing to his teacher;s side. "Are you alright?"

"I'm okay…" Gai placed a hand on lees head. "You've got to be strong, little one. Youth does not give time for weakness."

"Gai-sensei…"

Somehow a sunset had appeared behind them and there were tears in both their eyes. Madara hit them both over the heads for good measure.

Dessie pulled a face. "Yuck They're ugly—you can hit them again, Mada."

"Mada?" asked Tenten.

"It's one of his nicknames," said Dessie. "Along with Porcupien and Coffee-Thieving Bastard."

"And hers is Candy Deephooter," said Madara.

"And, um, where did that come from?" asked Tenten.

"The Find Your Stripper Name website," said Dessie. "I'm Candy Deephooter. Hannah is Heidi Glitzthighs and Kate is…what was Kate again?"

"Raquelle Dazzletush."

Dessie grinned. "Oh that is so good. She has a nice ass—just not as nice as mine."

"Whatever, Deephooter."

* * *

"Are you hungry?" Zetsu smiled at Darui.

"No."

"We're hungry."

"That's nice."

"We're a cannibal."

Darui stared. Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…Five…Four…Three…Two…One… "I'm just going to go over here…"

I can't believe it took him ten seconds to actually run away.

I would have been gone in two. Even when pregnant.

* * *

"Didn't you kill my brother?"

Hidan glanced over at the hulking man from Suna. "Nope."

"Are you sure? Didn't you kill him in the name of Jashin or something like that?"

The guy had bulging muscles and a head the size of Hidan. Hidan took one more look over the guy and said, "Nope."

"Oh." The hulk turned around and walked away.

Under his breath, Hidan hissed, "Of course I did. Jashin always gets his feast! I will rip out your internal organs and feed them to the might god and he will spend eternity devouring your unworthy sou along with your damned brother! All praise Jashin!"

The hulk turned around. "What did you say?"

"Nothing!"

* * *

"My name is Bee and…you get what you see."

"Hn."

Bee frowned. "I can't rhyme with hn…you get big.. old buffoon."

Itachi stared at Killer Bee for a moment. "Hn."

"What are you saying? Or are you just a playing?"

"Hn."

"You may be as hot as bimbo, but you're as dumb as one—oooh."

Itachi stared at Bee, the hatred pouring from his deathly gaze. For some reason that I can never understand, Bee kept going with his stupid raps.

"But that's okay," said Bee. "We idiots, we say—that being dumb is good, see we aren't done—we're dumb enough to knock down the wall, no matter how many times we fall. Eh? Eh? I'm pretty good at this shit, that nail with the hammer just got hit."

Itachi stared.

"Apparently this does not compute—or could it be that you're just too mute."

Itachi's red eyes flashed.

…

"Okay! Okay!" Killer Bee curled up on the ground before Itachi. "I'll never rap again! Never again! Just please no! Never again"

"Hn."

And Itachi walked away.

* * *

"Tobi is a good boy with lots of imagination

And when he's nice

He's what we call a good boy sensation

Tobi's friends are sluts and killers

They come from lots of places

After work they meet to play

And fight with angry faces

Tobi shows them lots of things

Like how to play pretend

ABC's, and 123's

And how to be a friend

Tobi comes to play with them

Whenever they don't need him

Tobi can be good to you, see,

If you're just good to Tobi!"

Ei and Mei stared at Tobi for a long time. Then, Mei turned to Ei and said, "Is he right in the head?"

Ei shook his head. "I kind of doubt it."

* * *

And that's the story of how everyone got together again. Everyone was happy and cheerful and glad to be around one another. Despite all the fights and murders in the past, we had all learned to put aside our differences and fight for a common cause—

"SUNSHINE-HOTTIE! YOU KILLED MY HANNAH!"

"YOU WERE DESTROYING MY VILLAGE!"

"Can we eat him?'

"YES! ZETSU EAT HIM! EAT HIM! DEVOUR HIM WHOLE! MUNCH ON HIS BONES AND DIGEST HIM LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!"

"DON'T TOUCH NARUTO!"

"OH GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!"

"GO BACK TO YOUR PORCUPINE, BITCH!"

"LOOK OUT OR I'LL SET MY PORCUPINE ON YOU! AND YOU WON'T LIKE MY PORCUPINE WHEN HE'S ANGRY!"

"I'm not really angry."

"MADA!"

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OR I'LL RIP YOU INTESTINES OUT AND USE THEM AS THE ROPE WITH WHICH I'LL HANG YOU AND WHAT YOU SPLUTTER AND GASP FOR AIR AS YOU DIE! THEN I'LL TAKE YOUR BODIES AND PUT YOU ALL IN A BLENDER TOGETHER! THEN YOU'LL LEARN TO BOND INSIDE ZETSU'S STOMACH!"

Yep. We learned to forgive one another and fight for a noble cause.

* * *

**A/N: My Killer Bee raps were terrible. Can we just not mention those again? I might have to kill him off just so I don't have to write his character ever again. Urggggggg huge mistake on my part... **

**Also - go check out the fanart of this story on Deviantart! (They're all in my Fallen003 favorite's section). There's a cute one of Madara and Dessie too! Go. Check. It. Out.**

**Also, review. Because otherwise Leader is going to hang you with your own intestines. I do love that man. **


	60. Sexy Street Girl

**Chapter Sixty: Sexy Street Girl**

**Hannah**

"No."

I crossed my arms and glared at Paban. "It's not happening."

Paban held up the Badass-Street-Girl costume. He looked heartbroken. "I can never wear this outfit…"

"'Cause it's meant for a _girl_."

"Exactly," said Paban. "I've never had a female friend so I've never gotten to use the outfit—but now you're here and you're the perfect size."

"I'm not wearing it."

Paban had agreed to take us in while the gods were looking for us. Ren, Smithy, Noun, Princess Fou Mia, and I were staying there for the time being. Aram was acting as a double agent, helping the gods, while passing information to us. Smithy and I kept insisting we should prepare for the war, but Ren and Paban kept side tracking us. Ren, Paban, and I were standing in Paban's ridiculously large closet that contained equally ridiculous costumes. I had finally managed to change out of my sexy ringleader costume, but rather than give me my ordinary clothes back, Paban had decided to give me a new costume—the sexy street girl outfit. I stood behind a rack of costumes, in only my underwear, screaming at Paban to give me my jeans and t-shirt back. Ren was just laughing at us and trying on his own pirate costume.

"Ren!" I cried, "Help me!"

"Does this sash make me look fat?" asked Ren, examining his costume in the mirror.

"Really!?" I cried. "There's a war coming and you're worried about whether or not you're _fat_!?"

Ren turned around and pouted. "Are you calling me fat?"

"That's not the point!?"

"Come on," said Paban. "As a present to me?"

"No!"

Ren sighed and stepped away from the mirror. "Don't worry, Paban. I've got this covered."

"What!?" I backed away from Ren, dragging the clothing rack with me. "What are you planning?"

"Oh good," said Paban.

"What are you doing!?"

Ren stepped in front of me. He paused for a second, his face grave. Then he winked and a wide grin spread across his face. "Relax, Princess."

"That's so suspicious!"

Ren clapped his hands together and when he moved them apart, there was a brass circle hanging from a golden chain. Ren held the top of the chain and let the circle hang down in the air.

"What is that?" I asked.

Ren grinned at me and started to swing the brass circle from side to side like a pendulum. I stared at it in confusion—what the hell was Ren doing? The pendulum was swinging… Swinging… Swinging… Wait a sec— Swinging… Swinging… Swinging…

Yep. I realized only too late that I was being hypnotized.

"Princess Hannah? Can you hear me?"

"Yes."  
"Good. When I count to ten, you will wear the sexy street girl outfit, okay?"

"Yes."

"One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten."

Ren stepped back and turned to Paban. "Okay, problem solved."

"Oh goodie!" cried Paban. He stepped forward, holding the outfit out to me. "Hannah, Princess Hannah!"

"Don't' call me that shit."

Paban paused and stared at me. I put my hands on my hips and stepped out from behind the clothing rack. "Give me the goddamn clothes, shithead."

Paban opened his mouth and then closed it. He dropped the sexy street girl outfit. "Y-y-yes, Hannah!"

"Don't drop my clothes! God! Are you stupid? Pick them up and fucking _hand_ them too me." I paused when I caught sight of Ren. A slow smile spread across my face and I leaned against the clothing rack. "Why hello."

Paban stared. Slowly, he turned to face Ren. "Um…General?"

"Er—" Ren fiddled nervously with the sash of his pirate costume. "I think I messed up."

"You think, General?"

"You're called General? What does that mean?" I asked, smiling flirtatiously. Then I turned to Pabam. "Hey, Chubby. Get my clothes. I ain't picking them off the floor."

"Right away, ma'am," said Paban. He scooped up the sexy street girl outfit and handed it to me. I snatched it from him and pulled the black tank top over my head and put on the cut off booty shorts. I ruffled my hair and put my hands on my hips.

"She's definitely messed up," said Paban.

Ren smiled. "I kind of like her this way. She's my naughty princess."

Paban groaned. "She's going to kill us when she comes back to normal!"

"Or she can just stay this way…It'll be fun!"

"General!"

"What?" asked Ren, still grinning from ear to ear.

"Turn her back to normal, General!" cried Paban.

Ren laughed and snapped his fingers.

I scowled at him. "You look fucking stupid."

Ren snapped his fingers again. Nothing. He inspected his fingers carefully. Then—suddenly—his tipped his head back and let out a bark-like laugh.

"What happened?" asked Paban. "General! Turn her back to normal!"

"How? When I hypnotized her I didn't tell her when to go back to normal when I snap my fingers…" Ren laughed.

Paban's eyes bugged out of his head. "She's stuck like this!?"

"Maybe…"

"Y'all are fucking stupid," I said. I turned around and strutted out of the closet. Paban and Ren stared after me. Paban squeaked and sprinted after me—worried that I might cause World War Whatever We're Up To Now. Ren just laughed.

I headed to Paban's living room where Noun was sprawled across the sofa with Princess Fou Mia sitting in his lap. Smithy was sitting at the kitchen table, looking over his notes on battle tactics. Noun looked up when I entered the room with Paban and Ren close behind.

"We're watching Mob Doctor," said Noun. "Princess Fou Mia ships Grace and Franco like crazy."

"Who the fuck are Grace and Franco and why should I care?" I asked.

"Oh, um…" Noun looked taken aback.

Princess Fou Mia let out a low growl.

Ren giggled and clapped his hands eagerly. "Princess Fou Mia says Franco and Grace are soulmate and Grace needs to break up with her goody-two-shoes boyfriend so she can date her mob man true love." Ren nodded. "It sounds perfect, Princess."

"Sounds fucking stupid," I said, heading to the kitchen. "The show is called Mob Doctor—could the premise be any more fucking obvious?" I opened the fridge and pulled out a can of beer. I bit the tab and ripped it off.

"The show is so much more than that!" cried Noun. "It's amazing!"

"It won't last one season, bitch," I said and then took a huge gulp of the beer.

Noun turned to Ren. "Does you usually swear this much?"

"She's Sexy Street Girl Hannah," said Ren cheerfully. "Isn't she great?"

Noun shook his head. "Noooooooo."

Ren paused. He looked at me and then at the TV screen. He grinned. "Sexy Street Girl Hannah could totally join the cast of the Mob Doctor! She's more badass than all the mob men out there."

Princess Fou Mia growled.

Ren nodded. "Except Constantine."

Princess Fou Mia purred in approval.

"Are you fucked up? You can't understand her," I said, hopping on the kitchen table on top of Smithy's notes. He dropped his pencil and slowly lifted his gaze to glare at me. I finished up my beer and crumpled up with can with my fist. I dropped it into Smithy's lap and said, "Get me another."

"Make. Me."

"I can totally understand Princess Fou Mia!" cried Ren. He wrapped his arms around the cheetah's neck. "We have a spiritual connection!"

"Bullshit," I said. Then I turned to Smithy. "Don't give me shit. You get me another beer or I will take these high-heeled boots I'm wearing and embed these heels in your throat." I tilted my head to the side and smiled. "Got it?"

Smithy glared.

"I'll get you the beer!" cried Paban, sprinting to the kitchen. "Just don't kill anyone on my carpeting!"

"He knows his place," I said. "Unlike some dicks."

"You want to go at it, huh?" Smithy stood up.

"Oh I'm ready." I hopped off the table and glowered at Smithy. "Let's go, Gingy."

"Look!" cried Paban, racing out from the kitchen, carrying a whole crate of beers. "There's enough alcohol for everyone—so don't kill each other!"

I glanced at the beer and then at Smithy. I took one beer from the crate and hopped back onto the table. I smiled at Smithy. "Sleep with your eyes open."

"Whoo-weee!" cried Ren. "Sexy Street Girl Hannah is a _beee-otch_!"

"Turn her back!" wailed Paban.

"Why? She's so much fun like this!"

"Does anyone have a cigarette?" I asked. "God damn it, I need a smoke!"

"Ren!" cried Paban. "You're letting her develop bad habits!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I cried, throwing an empty beer can at Paban's head.

"Well," said Ren. "At least you'll never let anyone wear the Sexy Street Girl outfit ever again."

"Never! Never!" cried Paban. "It's a scary costume!"

"Someone fix her," said Noun.

"I can't," said Ren. "I forgot to tell her to turn back to normal when I snap my fingers."

Noun groaned. "Ren…"

BOOM!

The floor exploded. Floorboards, dirt, worms, roots, rocks, and debris flew in all directions. Noun and Princess Fou Mia dove behind the couch. Smithy ducking behind a chair and Paban stepped behind the kitchen arch. Ren just laughed and somehow managed to avoid being struck by a single piece of debris.

"Surprise! We're here!"

Four people stood above a hole in the middle of Paban's living room floor. First, there was a handsome man with bright red hair. He stood in the middle of the room, his hands extended to the ceiling and a wide grin spread across his face. (I found out later, this was Jashin, god of mass destruction and carnage). Next to him was a tall woman with long blond hair and yellow eyes. She cracked her whip and Jashin quickly dropped his arms back to his sides. (Kesi, the goddess of fear and Jashin's wife). An obnoxiously good-looking man with show white hair and red eyes stood next to Jashin. He stole Kesi's whip and lashed Jashin in the ass. Jashin leapt up and tried to throttle the albino. (Warg, god of war and all things violent). A woman with curly black-rouge hair snatch the whip from Warg and handed it back to Kesi. Then she proceeded to beat the living daylights out of Warg and Jashin. (This was Akeldama, the goddess of blood and wife of Warg).

"Well, well, well," said Ren, crossing his arms and grinning at the quartet of gods who were still trying to kill each other. "If it isn't the Malefic Quartet of Ruination."

"Damn it all," said Akeldama, pushing Warg off of her. "I thought we'd gotten rid of that name after the war."

"Never," said Ren, grinning from ear to ear.

"How have you been, General?" asked Warg, brushing some dirt of his shoulder. "You still hanging out with this cosplay fanatic?"

"Hey!" cried Paban. He poked his head out from behind the kitchen door and stuck his tongue out at Warg. "I'm ten times more awesome than you will ever be!"

"Sure," said Warg.

"Kesi! Kesi! I give up! I give up!"

All attention turned to the other side of the room where Kesi had tied up Jashin with thick ropes and was now planning on torturing him for the next few hours (or possibly days).

"You know you like it," said Kesi, cracking her whip. "Now scream, boy, scream."

"They're at it again," said Smithy with a heavy sigh.

"The queen sadist and the king masochist," said Noun delightedly. He scratched Princess Fou Mia behind the ears. "What would the world be without them?'

"Oh yes," said Warg. "Who else would destroy a whole fucking mountain with their crazy sex life?"

"I don't know," said Akeldama. "We could give them a run for their money."

"Wanna bet?" asked Kesi. She stepped away from Jashin, who looked a little dazed with a mass amount of blood dribbling down from his head. Kesi draped her whip over her shoulder and grinned at Warg and Akeldama. "I'm willing to put money on it."

"Oh, you're on," said Akeldama. "We'll see who can destroy the most stuff while having sex."

"Sounds fun," said Kesi.

"Ah! As fun as that sounds—you're not doing that anywhere near my home!" Paban scuttled out of the kitchen and stood a little ways behind Ren.

"What?" asked Ren. "It sounds like so much fun! Can I join?"

"You want to join with Princess Fou Mia, don't you?" said Warg.

"Bestiality much?" asked Akeldama.

"I don't know," said Kesi thoughtfully. "It might be interesting…"

I hopped off the kitchen table and walked over to Jashin. I took a sip of beer. He was still tied up and completely out of it. I prodded the side of his head with the toe of my boot.

"You look fucked up," I said.

"Hey!" cried Kesi, hurried back across the room. "That's my toy."

I glanced over at Kesi. I surveyed her slowly and then smirked. "He suits you."

"_What did you just say_?"

I smiled and walked away from her. She ground her teeth angrily and fingered the handle of her whip, but before she could attempt to murder me, Ren stepped between us. "This is Princess Hannah! Isn't she gorgeous?"

"You may be an idiot, but you have eyes," I said.

"Gorgeous?" asked Warg. "I wouldn't pay two cents for her."

I threw the beer bottle at Warg's head. "I'm worth fucking thousands, bitch."

"What the hell!?" cried Akeldama. "She's the whore this stupid war is being fought over? Fuck no."

"I kind of like her," said Warg thoughtfully. Blood trickled down the side of his face where the beer can had struck him.

"You're fucked up," I said.

"Yeah…She's not normally like this," said Ren. He giggled. "She's normally much bitchier."

"She is not like this at all!" cried Paban.

"She's just a _really_ good cosplayer," said Ren. He lowered his voice and added, "Really enthusiastic, you know."

"You hypnotized her, General!"

"Well…Yes… But she's so much fun like this!"

Warg sighed. "You haven't changed a bit, General."

Kesi slapped Jashin across the head and laughed delightedly. "I love it!"

"So…" said Akeldama, examining me carefully. "How do you turn her back to normal?"

Ren grinned sheepishly. "I kind of messed up and forgot to tell her when to turn back to normal…"

Warg slapped the palm of his hand to his forehead. "Yep. No change at all."

Jashin tilted his head to the side and surveyed me carefully. "Does she dress like that normally?"

"No."

"Then we should keep her this way."

Kesi cracked her whip. "I wonder how much you're going to scream tonight."

"I have a solution," said Akeldama.

"But she's so fun like this," said Ren, disappointedly.

Akeldama ignored him and stepped in front of me. I put my hands on my hips and glowered at her. "What do you want, Ho?"'

Akeldama smiled. Then she beat me over the head.

AFLIBIGEBILTTIFLAMBGHERTIYGH AFLATMYWHADDIFUCKSAFJIKIYOUE RATETEREN.

I blinked and rubbed the top of my head. "What just happened?"

"Would you look at that? She's back to normal," said Noun. Princess Fou Mia purred in approval.

I glanced at Noun and then back at Akeldama. Slowly, I turned to Ren. "What did you do?'

Ren laughed. "Um…Just a little mistake."

I pulled out my magical frying pan of mass destruction. "What did you do?"

"That's not very encouraging," said Ren. "If I don't tell you what happened you'll beat me over the head with the frying pan and if I do tell you what happened, you'll beat me over the head with the frying pan anyways."

"Have you ever heard of the donkey and the stick?" I asked, taking a step towards Ren.

"No…"

"Once upon a time, a farmer owned a stubborn ass. He needed the ass to work, but the ass refused to move. So the farmer had an idea. He got a carrot from the kitchen and a pointy stick from the yard. He put the carrot in front of the ass and the pointy stick behind the ass. Let me tell you something, that ass worked."

Ren nodded. "So what's my carrot?"

"Your carrot? You don't get a carrot. You get a stick or a stick. Pick which stick you want."

Yeah, I could tell you about how I beat Ren into a pulp of swollen and bruised flesh and bones, but that part isn't really interesting. I stepped over Ren's fallen body and smiled at Warg.

"Thanks for your help. I'm Hannah."

"Warg."

"Oh yeah. Dessie's a huge fan."

Warg nodded. "She's a good follower."

"She used to be mine!" shouted Jashin.

"Shut up," said Kesi, cracking her whip. "I'm not done with you yet."

"Yes, Mighty Mistress Of Terror and Beauty!"

"Good job, pet. What else do you say?"

"Beat me into submission with your awesome might and power?"

"Well, if you insist."

"AAH! OW! OW! OW! OW! IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY!?"

I shuddered and turned away from the lovey-dovey couple. "And that's the almighty Jashin, huh?"

"He's a lot more frightening when she's not around," said Akeldama.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took me longer than a week. It's the time of year that brings exams. Also, I'm waiting to hear back from colleges, but they decided to TROLL me. One college was like "The decisions will be up online on 12-12-12." And THEN "Sorry, we're experiences technically difficulties, we'll mail it to you on the 14th." FUUUUUUUUUCK!**

**Also, a squirrel got into my house yesterday and I chased the damn thing around the house. It didn't want to go outside through the OPEN FRONT DOOR. Stupid squirrel. So now I;m terrified an army of squirrels are coming for me. My friends say I'm stupid, but I know the truth.**

**Review or the army of squirrels will come for YOU instead of me. **


	61. Star Signs and Sex

**Chapter Sixty-One: Star Signs and Sex**

**Dessie**

"I can't believe I missed by birthday."

I was lying on the couch of the Akatsuki living room, sprawled across the laps of Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame. None of them looked particularly happy to have me there. We were hanging out in the living room while Leader, Konan, Madara, and Itachi dealt with the whole details of the alliance. Leader figure that if we were allowed to mingle with the others before strict rules were created, half the army would end up dead. (Can't say I blame him.) So, we were restricted to the living room for the next couple hours. (Though Kakuzu was off in his room dealing with the Akatsuki finances and Sasori was helping him.) Kate was sitting in the lazy boy. Zetsu was tending to one of his potted poisonous plants in the corner and Tobi was trying to figure out how a yo-yo worked.

"What are you talking about?" asked Kisame, poking the heel of my foot. "Get off me."

"We were in the Dale for eight months," I said. "So we skipped my birthday."

"When's your birthday?" asked Hidan.

"We dated," I said. "And you don't even know that?"

"When you're immortal pitiful things like birthday stop meaning anything," said Hidan.

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Hidan counts down the months to his birthday every year. It's April 2nd."

"Oh! Oh!" cried Kate eagerly. "That means Hidan is Aries! The sign of action, energy, and enthusiasm. It is the sign of warriors!" She paused and then added, "They're also impulsive and combative."

"Well that makes sense," I said.

"You're an Aries too," said Kate.

"Since when do you know so much about star signs, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Since Kisame got me a book all about star signs for my birthday last year," said Kate proudly. "I'm Aquarius. I have quick intellect and a keen mind for innovation and progressive though. Aquarius is the sign of rebels."

I choked on my laughter. "I think you need a new star sign!"

"Kisame said it was accurate!" cried Kate.

Kisame suddenly seemed extremely interested in Tobi's attempts to use a yoyo.

"So what's Kisame then?" I asked.

"Pisces," said Kate. "The sign of intense emotional sensitivity."

At that, I fell off the couch from laughing so hard. Hidan was doubled over, clutching his stomach and Deidara was giggling maniacally. Tobi stopped playing with his yoyo and looked over. "Tobi wants to know what is so funny."

"I hate you people," said Kisame.

"But it's so accurate!" I cried. "You and your _intense emotional sensitivity_!"

"He's Mr. Sensitive!" cried Hidan.

"Wait!" cried Deidara, sitting upright. "He could start a TV talk show! You know, one where the average looking man sits in a room surrounded by a bunch of grieving middle-aged women who don't get enough action in bed anymore. And then Mr. Sensitive talks to them about their miserable marriages!"

"Oh my gods! Yes!" I cried.

Kate giggled. "And his main catchphrase will be—are you feeling a little _blue_ today?"

"Kate!" cried Kisame. "You're not supposed to join them!"

"Oops, sorry!" Kate paused and then giggled. "But it's really funny."

Tobi clapped his hands excitedly. "Can Tobi get love advice from Mr. Sensitive? Tobi's love life is not going too well."

"Tobi has a love life!?" I cried. I instantly stopped laughing and sat up on the floor. "Tell me!"

"Tell the Love Guru!" cried Kisame eagerly.

"You're not the Love Guru anymore," said Deidara. "You're Mr. Sensitive, uhn."

"I'm the Love Guru, damnit!"

"Whatever you say, Mr. Sensitive," said Kate. Then she collapsed into giggles.

"Well, said Tobi, sitting on the floor in front of me. "Tobi has this girl that he likes. But the girl doesn't like Tobi back. She likes Tobi's best friend. Only he isn't really Tobi's best friend. Tobi and him and best friends only sometimes. Other times Tobi and him hate each other. But the girl Tobi likes actually likes the best friend. Poor Tobi. He's a good boy, but she doesn't like good boys."

"Is your best friend a Hottie?" I asked.

Tobi nodded gloomily.

"Well, you'd better give up now. There's no hope. The Hotties always win."

"So why is Kate still dating Kisame, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Is everyone insulting Kisame?" asked Zetsu, materializing behind the couch. "Can we join?"

"Go for it," I said.

Zetsu paused to think. Then he turned to Kisame and said, "You're blue and you smell like catfish."

Kisame blinked. "Okay."

Zetsu frowned. "Our insult isn't working. Can we just eat him instead?'

"Go for it," I said.

"Wait!" cried Kisame, throwing his hands up. "We're in the middle of a Love Guru talk session!"

"Mr. Sensitive," corrected Hidan.

"We already said that since the best friend is a Hottie, Tobi has no hope of winning," I said.

"That's what you said!" cried Kisame.

"Well," said Deidara. "Kisame is living proof that the ugly guy can get the girl, uhn."

"You little shit!" cried Kisame. He dove across the couch and grabbed Deidara by the throat. "Don't go saying random lies!"

I turned to Kate and pointed in Kisame's direction. "That's your sensitive boyfriend, right there."

Kate cringed. "Kisame, try not to kill him!"

"Kill him! Kill him!" chanted Hidan.

"If he dies can we eat his corpse?" asked Zetsu.

"Tobi will never get the girl!" wailed Tobi.

"Fucking rip his lungs out!"

"Shut up, Hidan!"

FLASH!

Purple light filled the room. We all froze. Kisame still had his hands clamped around Deidara's throat and Deidara was slowly turning a brilliant shade of purple. Hidan had paused mid-chat, his mouth wide open. Kate was covering her eyes with her hands and now she peaked over the tops of her fingers. I was still pointing at Kisame, while Zetsu was leaning over Deidara's head with his mouth wide open and ready to take a bite. Tobi was crying on the floor next to Kisame's feet.

Standing in the middle of the room, staring at this bizarre seen, were four gods. Jashin, Warg, Kesi, and Akeldama.

Akeldama turned to Warg and said, "And they call _us_ crazy."

"Hey!" I cried, jumping up from my seat. "What's up, you guys?"

"J—"

"Who is that?" asked Kisame.

"J—"

Kate covered her eyes with her hands again. "Kisame! Let go of Deidara! He looks like a blond eggplant!"

"J—"

Kisame glanced at Deidara, whose face was a deep shade of purple. Kisame removed his hands and Deidara fell over coughing and choking.

"J—"

"Aw," said Warg, disappointedly. "But we were getting to the best part."

"J—"

I turned around. "Hidan! Stop gawking and just get the fanboyisms over with already!"

Hidan turned to stare at me, his mouth wide open and his eyes practically popping out of their sockets. "Jashin?"

"Yeah?" said Jashin.

Hidan blinked. And then—"OHMYGOD IT'S JASHIN! IT'S FUCKING JASHIN! OH MIGHTY JASHIN-SAMA! I HAVE BEEN LOYAL! IT'S JASHIN! I'VE DREAMT OF THIS DAY! MIGHTY LORD JASHIN! THE THINGS I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! I'VE SEVERED LIMBS AND BATHED IN BLOOD AND CAUSE HOURS UPON HOURS OF TORMENT AND SUFFERING! PAIN! IT IS SO GREAT! ALL IN YOUR NAME, GREAT JASHIN-SAMA! OH MY JASHIN! HAHA THAT'S YOU! YOU'RE JASHIN! AND I'M SWEARING WITH YOUR NAME! HAHA! FUCK THIS! I'M LIKE A FUCKING LITTLE KID IN A FUCKING CANDY STORE WHERE EVERYTHING IS FUCKING FREE! IT'S JASHIN!"

"Over reaction much?" asked Warg.

"This is normal," I said.

Kesi giggled excitedly. "I can't wait to destroy all his images of a great and powerful Jashin."

Jashin groaned. "Don't do it. Don't do it."

Kesi cracked her whip and giggled delightedly. "Oh, you know you want it, my little masochist!"

Hidan stopped fanboying and stared at Kesi to Jashin back to Kesi. "Who is that?"

"Her?" Jashin pointing at Kesi (the crazy goddess bearing a whip). "She's my wife."

"The queen sadist," added Akeldama.

"Crazy woman," said Warg.

Kesi cracked her whip. "Who else could satisfy Jashin's weird fetishes?"

"What kind of fetishes?" asked Kisame eagerly.

Kate groaned. "We're going to have more insane people hanging out with us now, aren't we? This can't be healthy for the baby."

"So," I said. "What are you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be in the Dale?"

"We're here to help," said Warg.

"I'm tell wondering about these fetishes," said Kisame.

"They involve rope," said Kesi.

"Sounds exciting."

"Help us fight the gods?" I asked.

"Aren't _you_ gods?" asked Zetsu. "Why would you fight against them?"

"They're boring," said Warg. "They think of obsessive destruction is something to be frowned upon."

"We've experimented with rope before," said Kisame. "Kate doesn't like it that much. She says it hurts her hands." (Kate—this is _my_ point of view and I'm not editing).

"You could try it with you tied up," said Kesi thoughtfully.

"Kate isn't forward enough for that. She's the shy one."

"We were talking to Ren, Aram, and Hannah—great girl, by the way, she beats up Ren a lot—and we decided it would be best if the four of us came to the Fence and taught you guys how to fight gods."

"Jashin is the shy one in our relationship," said Kesi fondly. "He pretends not to, but he secretly enjoys it."

"I don't fucking enjoy it!" cried Jashin.

"Kate's the same way—though sometimes, she can be _very_ forward."

"Stop talking about me that way!" wailed Kate.

"Oh, have you tried changing the setting?" asked Kesi. "If you do it in the bedroom every time it can get boring."

I grinned. "We've gathered an army now. All the Shinobi of the Fence have showed up."

"Oh good," said Warg. "It'd be borning only putting a dozen people through Hell's Training Camp."

Jashin turned to Kate. "Are you listening to these people!?'

"I'm not like that!" wailed Kate. "I'm pure! I'm pure!"

"I kill people!" cried Jashin. "I don't have wild S and M sex all the time! Kesi! You're ruining my image! I'm not like that!"

Kate flung her arms around Jashin and hugged him and he hugged her back. "Don't say weird things about us!"

"Hold on," I said to Warg and Akeldama. Then I turned. "Why is this conversation about sex and why am I not a part of it?"

"Oh right," said Kisame. "You're now having crazy monkey sex with Madara."

"Madara?" asked Warg. "Isn't that the guy you got eaten by a worm with?"

"Yep," I said proudly.

"Nice. Worm vomit is one of those bonding experiences, huh?"

"You guys are ruining the mood!" cried Kesi. "We're talking about sex. Worm vomit has no place in sex."

"I don't know," I said thoughtfully. "Things were getting pretty kinky during that cave in."

"Oh," said Kisame. "Tell more."

"Well," I said. "You know, tightly enclosed spaces…I was kind of sitting on top of him. We were getting there—if Tobi and Leader hadn't interrupted."

"Meh," said Kesi. "They probably just wanted to watch."

Tobi screamed and covered his ears. "Don't corrupt Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!"

"We understand your pain!" cried Jashin, still hugging Kate.

"So, wait," said Deidara. "Is bondage really as fun as they say, uhn?"

Kesi nodded. "Definitely."

"I mentioned it to Madara once," I said. "But neither of us wanted to be the one who was bound…"

"It's Jashin every time," said Kesi. "No argument."

"Who's the one with the whip?" I asked.

She grinned. "I'm the one with the whip."

Hidan sat in the middle of the living room, a dark cloud hanging over his head. "My image of Jashin-sama is completely ruined…"

The door opened.

"What is going on here?" Leader paused. "Jashin and Warg."

Leader, Konan, Madara, Itachi, Tsunade, Ei, Mei, Gaara, Oonoki, Bee, Kakashi, and Sasuke stood in the entrance of the room, staring at us all in horror.

"All I heard," said Bee. "Was something about whips and sex—you got me interested."

Ei sighed. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Hey! Konan!" I said, waving. "You want to come join us and talk about your sexual exploits with Leader?"

Yeah. I received hell for that comment.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Hidan. Your god is sort of...a masochist? ****Anyways, I had fun writing this chapter. Actually, I have fun writing any chapter that involves a lot of sex jokes. They're just so damn fun. So, I hope you had fun reading it. There were somethings I wanted to say...**

**1) Go on deviantart and check out the fanart for this story. It's really amazing! **

**2) Review**

**3) Have a merry Christmas/Winter/end of the world if I don't update before then!**


	62. It's A Blue Person Thing

**Chapter Sixty-Two: It's A Blue Person Thing**

**Kate**

Well, I mean, I can't deny that the Malefic Quartet of Ruination (AKA Jashin, Warg, Kesi, and Akeldama) were good teachers. They certainly prepared us all to fight gods… But… Their methods… Are a little unusual. More like psychotic. More like criminal. More like criminally insane.

I mean, after the first training session, Kankuro cried. And it wasn't just him. I have a whole list of people who cried. However, Kakuzu warned me to keep the list secret so I can use it to blackmail people later. I don't really know how to blackmail people, but I'll take Kakuzu's word for it. He is dating Hannah after all. I think. I wasn't really sure who Hannah was dating anymore. Maybe Kakuzu. Maybe Zetsu. Maybe Deidara. Maybe Ren. Or maybe some dead guy I know nothing about. Hannah's relationships have always been a mystery to me.

Anyway, I'm off topic. I was talking about the Malefic Quartet of Ruination's training methods. Of course, all of Kesi's training somehow managed to involve whips and/or handcuffs. Jashin usually had to take someone to the medical tent after his training session and Warg's training almost always ended in massive destruction of the landscape. Akeldama… Well, I thought Akeldama might be the only reasonable person in the Quartet. That was, until, I saw her training. She kind of went ballistic every time someone spilled a drop of blood. She'd start laughing maniacally and save the blood in little vials "just in case". Yeah. She ended up scaring me more than the rest of the Quartet combined.

The Quartet worked us all day in and day out. The visiting shinobi made up camp around the hide out while the Akatsuki remained inside with the gods staying with us. We'd all get up ridiculously early in the morning to begin our training. (Coffee addictions were very strong at this time. I'm pretty sure Dessie and Madara almost ripped each others eyes out on multiple occasions while fighting over the last bit of coffee. I don't think either one of them have figured out how to work the coffee machine to make a new batch.)

Speaking of Dessie and Madara, their relationship had surprisingly lasted a week and there was no signs of breaking up. I'm pretty sure Konan was ready to have a heart-attack. She was still a strong fan of Dessie and Hidan. But then one day, Hidan stole one of Konan's HidaDess shirts and crossed off the Hida to put Mada. I think Konan's hopes and dreamers were crushing into little tiny bite sized pieces. Sorry, Konan.

Kisame and I were doing well too. I eventually gave him for ogling at the scantily clad Dessie. (Mostly because I realized that no other Akatsuki male would be fit to be a dad for little Felix.) So, we spent the week in style. I, obviously, could not fight, so I spent the days in the hideout making dinner for everyone. Mostly, the meals ended in disaster, but occasionally we actually had some good food.

Anyway, this story… This little story is not about training camp with the Malefic Quartet of Ruination. This story is not about our war with the gods. This story is not about HidaDess or MadaDess (well, it is a little…). This story is not about Hannah's dismal love life. This story is about Dessie, Deidara, Madara, Kisame, me—and the blue people.

The story began one Saturday morning. I had gotten up early to make breakfast for everyone. Don't worry! I didn't make pancakes. We all know how that turns out. I made bacon and eggs. Nobody messes with the bacon and eggs. Somehow, it's only the pancakes that are off limits.

So, the Akatsuki trickled through the kitchen, getting breakfast as they went. Eventually—I think it was around seven o'clock—we ended up with five people lounging about the kitchen. Kisame sat at the head of the table, enjoying his breakfast of sushi omelet. Dessie sat beside him, consuming her third or fourth cup of coffee and Madara was across from her, drinking directly from the coffee pot. Deidara was in an annoyingly chirper mood for some reason. He wasn't eating, but he was enjoying just talking to see everyone's irritated reactions. I was trying to clean the dishes I had made with breakfast, but my bulging stomach kept getting in the way. I love baby Felix to pieces, but, gods, that stomach was annoying!

"Hidan and I were drinking last night, uhn. And we went to this bar with lots of hot women. And when I say hot, I mean hot, uhn. They had the bods for it and everything, uhn. And they liked to play dress up."

"Basically, you went to a strip club," said Dessie.

"Well, yeah," said Deidara. "I was avoiding saying the word."

"Why?"

I put my hands over my stomach and glowered at Deidara. "Don't let baby Felix hear you saying such things. If he so much as thinks about going to a strip club when he's older, I'll know it's your fault and I will unleash all my Mother Kate rage upon you like a flood."

Deidara swallowed.

"Don't worry, honey," said Kisame. "It's not like Felix is going to pop out of your womb shouting—let's go to a strip club!"

"I wouldn't put it past him," I said. "Enough weird stuff happens here."

"She has a point, uhn."

Cue flash of red light.

As you all know, the Akatsuki have a sort of paralyzing fear of flashing lights. We have bad history with flashing and glowing lights. Our reactions to the light were not exactly heroic, so don't judge us. I swear we all received therapy for this at some point and no longer feel compelled to run away screaming whenever colorful lights appear.

Anyway, flash of red light. I screamed and grabbed a plate from the kitchen sink. Kisame squealed and dove beneath the kitchen table. Dessie dove behind her chair and tried to use it as a shield against her attacker. Deidara went under the table and tried to cower behind Kisame. Madara didn't move. But I don't think Madara had drunk enough coffee yet to realize that someone new had even appeared in the kitchen.

It was Squisher.

A little blue gnome stood in the middle of our kitchen.

"Speaking of weird stuff," said Deidara, sliding out from underneath the table.

"What are you doing here?" asked Dessie.

"I have business," said Squisher.

"With who?" asked Dessie suspiciously.

Squisher pointed underneath the table. Kisame poked his head out and looked up at the little blue gnome.

"Me?"

"What do you want with Kisame?" I asked. I still had not put down the plate.

"None of your business," said Squisher.

"But it is her business, shorty," said Dessie. She settled back into her seat and took another sip of her coffee. "She's his girlfriend. She has every right to know what a creepy shorty like you wants to _do business_ with her boyfriend for."

Squisher glowered at Dessie. "You don't like me very much, do you?"

"What does the word 'no' mean to you?"

"It doesn't matter," said Squisher. He turned back to Kisame. "It's none of your business. It's a blue person thing."

"A blue person thing, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Oh, that," said Kisame. "I wasn't going to go."

"Go to what?" asked Dessie.

"You should go," said Squisher. "I've noticed that you're not a huge part of the blue community."

"Blue community?" I asked.

"Yeah, after the votes for blue rights when south, I decided to just drop the whole blue thing," said Kisame. "I'm more of a blue-gray anyway."

"Is there more coffee" asked Madara.

"You're blue," said Squisher. "I'll give you the address and you can meet me there. Or we can carpool."

"Um." Dessie raised her hand into the air. "Is this a party?"

"A blue person party?" asked Deidara eagerly.

"I'll speak to you in private," said Squisher.

Dessie grinned. "He just wants Kisame to go so he won't be an awkward wallflower throughout the party."

Madara smirked "So it's a blue person date."

"Kate," said Dessie, grinning at me. "You have competition."

"Hey," I said. "Nobody's stealing me blue boyfriend!"

Squisher snorted. "You common pink people. You understand nothing of the power of being blue." He turned to Kisame. "Amaletta will be there."

Kisame finished off his omelet. "Fine. I'll talk to you."

Squisher smirked at me and then led Kisame out of the kitchen. We all watched them disappear. We listened to the sound of their footsteps down the hall, and when those faded, we sat in silence.

"Blue people party!" cried Dessie.

"I know, uhn!" cried Deidara.

"We are so going!"

"I know, uhn!"

"There's a slight problem with this," I said.

Dessie and Deidara turned to stare at me, puzzled looks on their faces.

"You're not blue."

At first, Dessie and Deidara looked heartbroken. And then, I slow, sly smile spread across Dessie's face. She rose from her seat and sidled across the kitchen towards me.

"Katie, Katie, Katie," said Dessie. "Did you not listen to a word that shorty said?"

"Of course, I did," I said.

"Then did you not hear the part where Squisher said—Amaletta will be there—and did you not see Kisame jump up from his seat after hearing her name?"

"Of course, I did."

Madara inspected his empty cup of coffee.

"Amaletta is clearly a girl's name," said Dessie.

Deidara leapt from his seat. "Dessie! You shouldn't tell Kate that, uhn!"

"Tell me what?" I asked. "Who's Amaletta?"

"I don't know," said Dessie. "A girl. Who Kisame wants to see."

"An ex-girlfriend?" asked Deidara.

Madara leaned across the table and picked up Dessie's half-full cup of coffee.

Dessie gasped. "Kate! Could Kisame—after seeing how fat you've become—have decided to go chase down an old, blue flame?"

"He wouldn't!" cried Deidara.

"Men sometimes act weird when their girlfriends get pregnant," said Dessie. "It's all about the sex-appeal."

"Remember that if you ever think about pregnancy," muttered Madara, drinking Dessie's coffee.

"He wouldn't," I said, though there wasn't any real protest in my voice. Kisame was a skirt-chasing blue man. I wouldn't put it past him.

"Maybe he would," said Dessie.

"There's only one way to find out, uhn," said Deidara.

"What's that?" I asked.

"To find out where that blue party is," said Deidara. "And infiltrate it."

I bit my lip. Honestly, the whole blue party sounded ridiculous to me. But—what if Kisame was cheating on me? Who was this Amaletta? I would never know unless I went to this blue party. Slowly, I lifted my gaze to meet Dessie's.

"Alright," I said. "How do we infiltrate a blue person party?"

"Easy," said Dessie. "First, we need you to figure out the address."

"And how do I do that?" I asked.

"Your boyfriend is the invitee," said Deidara. "You just need to use your feminine wiles to get him to tell you the address, uhn."

"Feminine wiles?" I asked.

Dessie sighed. "Deidara. You forget. She's Kate. And she's pregnant. What feminine wiles does she have?"

"I don't know," said Deidara. "But Kisame has to be dating her for some reason, uhn."

I scowled at the two of them. "I'll get the address."

"Good," said Dessie. "You do that and us three will figure out how to overlook the whole not blue problem."

"Three?" asked Madara.

"Yeah," said Dessie. "You're included."

"I'm not going to a blue person party."

Dessie stared at the empty coffee mug in Madara's hands. "You just drank all my coffee, Porcupine. You owe me. You'd better come to this damn blue person party or you will wake up one morning to find yourself coffeeless and very, very, very blue."

Madara glared at Dessie. Dessie glared at Madara. Madara glared. Dessie glared. They glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared and glared.

"Fine."

Dessie turned back to me with a huge grin. "The three of us will figure out what to do about the blue person thing."

After that, Dessie, Madara, and Deidara headed out for another day's training under the ridiculous training regime of the Quartet. Meanwhile, I set about my mission of getting the address out of Kisame.

My attempt at seduction failed miserably. I approached Kisame outside after a particularly difficult training session with Jashin (basically, he ran around trying to kill everyone and they had to run away). I handed Kisame some water and tried to act out a wet t-shirt contest. Failed miserably. I mean, it's kind of hard to be sexy when you're pregnant. But, being an emotional wreck at the time, I assumed it was because Kisame was only attracted to Amaletta now and he had no interest in me. So, I started to cry.

"Kate?" Kisame turned a pale shade of blue and rushed forward to help me. "Kate? Are you alright? What's wrong?"

"Go away," I said, tears streaming down my face. "Go away. I don't want to talk to right now. I hate the color blue. I never want to see the color blue again."

"Kate… Blue is your favorite color."

"I hate it!"

"Is this about the Squisher thing?" asked Kisame suspiciously.

I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and nodded. "Yeah."

"Don't worry," said Kisame, wrapped his arms around my waist (or tried to, Felix got in the way). "It's nothing serious. It's just a blue person thing."

"I know," I said, sniffling. "I don't care about the blue people party. I just, I just don't want you running off to places that I don't know with Squisher—I mean, look at that shorty! He could be dragging you off to some, some, some…" I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Strip club." I burst into tears again.

"Okay, okay," said Kisame. "Will it help if I tell you where the party is?"

I dried my tears and nodded.

As Kisame returned to the next training exercise, Dessie bounded up to me, a huge grin across her face.

"Success?" she asked.

I smiled back at her. "I've still got it."

The day seemed to go by like a turtle. My naps seemed to last a whole five minutes and cooking dinner seemed to be endless. I kept glancing at the clock as images of a sexy, blue girl with big blue boobs and long blue legs kept popping into my mind. She looked exactly like Kisame's perfect blue girl. Oh my God! After this, I never wanted to hear the word blue again.

Eventually, after the rest of the Akatsuki had eaten dinner and cleared out of the kitchen, Dessie, Deidara, and Madara came into the kitchen. Deidara was carry a huge bag of blue paint.

"That's your solution," I said. "We're going to pain ourselves blue?"

Dessie nodded eagerly and sang, "Dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie dabadee dabadie."

"What is that?" asked Madara.

"It's from the some Blue by Eiffel 65," said Dessie.

"Alright." Madara turned to Deidara. "When we get back we need to go on a hunt for Eiffel 65 and murder everyone and everything related to that song. I'm thinking laceration."

"I like explosions," said Deidara. "They're more artistic, uhn."

"Why do I know such weird people," said Dessie. She pulled out a bottle of blue spray paint and set to work.

"This is stupid," said Madara.

Dessie sprayed his arm with blue paint. "Paint up, you little coffee-thieving bastard."

Madara stared her for two seconds and then he sprayed her in the stomach with blue paint.

And that's how the paint war broke out. We were all stripped down to minimal amount of clothes so we could be as blue as possible and we were all running around with blue paint cans, spraying each other left and right. Dessie and I tried to gang up on the guys, but they were too strong. Soon, it was Dessie standing on top of the kitchen table, holding two spray paint cans, laughing like the psychopath she is, and spraying Deidara and Madara, while I cowered under the table and tried to pretend I didn't exist.

By the end of the spray paint war, we were all entirely blue. Then, we put on our party clothes and headed outside.

Leader and Konan saw us on our way out and peered at us through the office doors. Dessie grinned and waved at them while I'm pretty sure Madara mouthed something that resembled 'help me'.

Deidara used his clay bird to transport us and pretty soon we were standing outside 'The Blue Club' (what a creative name, I can't believe we really had to ask Kisame for the address).

"Alright," said Dessie. "Let's do this."

"Blue is back, baby," said Deidara, clapping his hands together and grinning.

"We're just going to see who Amaletta is," I said. "In and out."

We stepped forward to enter thee club and immediately found ourselves face to face with the blue bouncer. He was a hulking fellow with dark blue eyes and a shiny blue bald head.

"Hi," said Dessie, waving. "I'm Blussie. This is my boyfriend, Mablue, and our friends Katue and Bludara."

(Madara slapped his hand to his face and sighed.)

The bouncer checked his clipboard, flipping through the pages of names.

Deidara elbowed Dessie in the ribs. "Who's going to believe names like Blussie, Mablue, Katue, and Bludara, uhn?"

"Ah," said the bouncer. "Here you are. Friends of Count Bludit."

"Is he here" asked Dessie. "I haven't seen that guy in a month. He's got to be missing his daily dose of Blussie."

"He's in the back," said the bouncer.

"Thanks," said Dessie. She led the way into the club, grinning all the way.

"We got lucky there," I said.

"Lucky," said Dessie. "It's a simple matter of knowing blue people."

"You know blue people?" I asked, incredulously.

"Yep," said Dessie. "You remember back when we first joined the Akatsuki and they sold us off to brothels for money?"

I shuddered. "Don't remind me."

"Count Bludit was one of my customers. He's a good guy—just be careful. He gropes."

"What?" My voice went up an octave.

"If you knew a blue person," said Madara. "Why did you have Kate get the address from Kisame?"

"Because it's fun to watch her try and be sexy," said Dessie cheerfully.

"Hey!" I cried.

Madara smirked. "And that would be my girlfriend."

Dessie led the way into the club. Well, it was certainly a blue club. All the lights were blue and flashed in all directions. I kept thinking we were going back to Wargonia whenever a blue light hit my eyes in a weird way—which, of course, cause severe moment of extreme panic. Eventually, I got used to the flashing blue lights and I could manage to maneuver my way through the crowds of blue people and past the blue fountain in the middle of the club. (It's supposed to signify the Blue Union or something like that.)

"Have you see Count Bludit?" asked Dessie.

"Dessie?"

Dessie spun around and caught sight of someone in the crowd. She sprinted forward and gave the man a hug. I turned and saw that it was a chubby blue man with a curling black moustache and a black top hat. He hugged he back, though I saw one of his hands suspiciously wandering.

"It's Blussie, remember," said Dessie, artfully dodging the suspicious blue hand.

"Of course," said Count Bludit.

"Allow me to introduce my friends," said Dessie, pulling me in front of her. "This is Katue."

I smiled nervously at Count Bludit and managed an awkward wave. His eyes were wandering towards inappropriate areas.

"And this is Bludara," said Dessie, pointing to Deidara.

Count Bludit frowned. "She doesn't have much cleavage."

Deidara's eyes narrowed and he fingered the bag of clay at his side. Dessie just laughed. "That's because _she_ is a _he_."

"Oh?"

"And this," said Dessie, catching hold of Madara's arm and dragging the poor guy forward. "Is my Mablue."

"Your?" Count Bludit eyed Madara suspiciously.

I didn't pay much attention to the conversation after that. My eyes began wandering the crowds of blue people, searching for Kisame and the mysterious Amaletta. I couldn't see anything through the blinding blue lights.

Suddenly, Dessie grabbed my arm and steered me towards the refreshments table.

"Dessie," I said. "Where are we going?"

"Count Bludit recommended that we try to blugarita. Apparently it is scrumptious."

"You have weird friends," I said.

Dessie grinned. "So, dahling, any sight of the rogue boyfriend?"

I shook my head.

"Really?" asked Dessie. "He's right behind us."

I screamed and spun around. There was no one there. Only two blue girls dancing together.

"Just kidding," said Dessie. "He's in front of us."

"I'm not that hard to miss."

I screamed and spun around. Kisame stood there, his arms crossed and a dark look on his blue face. I cowered behind Dessie, while she grinned at Kisame and waved.

"I have to say," said Dessie. "Great party."

"What are you doing here?" asked Kisame. He paused and then added. "And why are you blue?"

"It was Dessie and Deidara's idea!" I wailed.

"Of course, it was," said Kisame, rolling his eyes.

"And Madara," said Dessie, cheerfully.

"As if," said Kisame. "You and Deidara were the masterminds. Then you somehow managed to convince Kate this was a good idea and you probably threatened your boyfriend with something sex related to get him to agree."

Dessie frowned and nodded her head. "You know us pretty well. Except it wasn't sex related."

"Coffee related, then."

"Ding, ding, ding—we have a winner!"

Kisame ignored her and turned to me. "Kate?"

"Yes," I said meekly.

"What are you doing here?"

I blushed (not visible behind the layers of blue paint). "I don't know."

"Does the name 'Amaletta', mean anything to you?" asked Dessie cheerfully.

"Amaletta?" asked Kisame. He looked at Dessie for a long moment and then turned to me. "What about Amaletta?"

The tears were coming back again. "I know I'm fat and ugly right now, but once I have Felix, I'll be pretty again and we can have sex again so you don't have to resort to your ex-girlfriends just because I'm pregnant!"

Kisame stared. "Dessie…"

"Yes?" squeaked Dessie. She was inching away towards the refreshments table.

"Dessie." Kisame grabbed her by the collar and lifted her into the air. "Did you lead Kate to believe that Amaletta was an ex-girlfriend of mine"

"Maybe," said Dessie. "Oh look—they're serving blugaritas. Mind if I go get one."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Kate. Amaletta is a blue band."

I blinked. "It is?"

Kisame nodded once and turned his attention back to Dessie. "I'm going to kill you."

Dessie started struggling. She tried to kick and scratch and bite Kisame, but he held her at arm's length as he walked across the dance floor and dropped Dessie into the blue fountain.

Dessie coughed and splashed before jumping to her feet. "Hey! You little blue shit! Don't do that! These are expensive strategically-cleavage revealing, curve emphasizing clothes! Don't think you can damage them that easily and get away with it, Fish Fry!"

"Um, Dessie," I said.

"What?"

"Your paint is coming off."

It was. All the blue spray paint that had been plastered to Dessie's body was coming off with the application of blue water. Dessie stood in the middle of the room, knee-deep in the fountain, and grinning sheepishly at all the angry blue people.

"A traitor!" cried Deidara, pointing. "Someone grab her!"

"Oh shut up," said Dessie. She kicked some water in his face. "You're not blue either."

The paint started peeling off Deidara's face too. Madara stood next to Deidara, looking extremely bored.

"They're not blue," said someone in a deadly undertone.

"She's not either!" cried Dessie, pointing at me. "Her boyfriend is a blue slut—he's sleeping outside the color!"

The entire room gasped.

Dessie grinned at Kisame and snapped her fingers. "Vengeance is a bitch."

Kisame rolled his eyes and pushed her back into the fountain. Then, he scooped me up in his arms and made a beeline for the exit with Deidara sprinting after us. We jumped out into the street outside the Blue Club, panting and gasping for breath.

"Where's the blue mob?" I asked.

"Maybe they didn't want to follow us, uhn," said Deidara, summoning one of his clay birds.

"No," said Kisame. "The Blue Club is very secretive. They will disembowel us if they catch us."

Madara strolled out of the club door. "She's coming."

"Who?"

I shouldn't have asked. Dessie came sprinting out of the Blue Club, screaming at the top of her lungs—the entire heard of blue people came after her. And I swear, they were out for blood.

We all hopped up onto Deidara's bird and, with a flap of its mighty wings, we were high in the air and out of the clutches of the dreaded blue people.

"Well," said Dessie. "That was fun."

Madara rolled his eyes. "I'm drinking all your coffee for the next month."

Dessie gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Watch me."

"That's it," I said. "I'm done with the color blue. Whoever mentions the color blue again is not getting any dinner."

"Hey," said Kisame, pointing at himself.

"Well," I said. "Blue-gray isn't too bad."

And that is the end of our bluventure. (Okay, okay, that was bad. But Dessie got to have all her blue words, I wanted to throw one in…) We returned to the hideout late at night only to find that Leader was waiting up for us. He had discovered the mess of blue paint in the kitchen and, well, let's just say he wasn't happy. He made us clean the kitchen and we couldn't go to bed until it was spotless. Which meant we had to work until morning and then go directly to training camp without sleep.

Well, everyone else had to. I didn't have to clean and I got a long night's rest. That's one of the perks of being pregnant. You should try it some time.

(Kidding.)

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**A/N: **

**1) Sorry that it took me so long to update. I was working on my new fanfic The Skipper. It's a Lord of the Ring/The Hobbit fanfiction and if you like this story, you should check it out!**

**2) This chatper is, um, weird. So I hope you enjoyed it weirdness!**

**3) Review or - even though I haven't updated so I'm not in a position to threaten you - Leader will make you clean the entire hideout with a toothbrush and he won't let you see a single Akatsuki member while you're cleaning. Dundundunnnnn**


	63. Sadistic Ghosts Will Rule The World

**A/N: Hey! Long time no see! I finished Part One of the Skipper, which means time to finish this. I promise you, I will finish before the end of the summer. I honestly do have reasons for not updating besides I really wanted to write the Skipper. Partly, I was busy with school work so I really could only work on one piece at a time and partly because I got sick of people saying how much they don't like the MadaDess pairing. Whatever. Say what you want as long as you do it in a review (the Review Whore is back, bitches). **

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**Chapter Sixty-Three: Sadistic Ghosts Will Rule The World**

**Hannah**

Waiting for a war to start is the worst thing imaginable. You can't _go_ anywhere. You just sit there. And sit there. And sit there. You can't go outside because—oh—some enemy might sneak up and try to kill you. And when you're dead, you can't hang out with your friends because—oh wait a second—you're _dead._ (I was a little bitter about the whole being dead thing, in case you haven't noticed.) Basically, I spent the three days before the start of the war in the Underworld with Ren. And, well, we all know how _that_ goes down.

This particular morning, I was lounging on the offensively bright pink couch in Ren's living room. Princess Fou Mia had come along and decided it would be fun to cuddle with me. And, in case you haven't noticed, I am _not_ a cuddly person.

"Get off." I pushed Princess Fou Mia's head away. She immediately put her head back in my lap. I glowered at her. "Don't make me get the frying pan."

Princess Fou Mia stared up at me, her big yellow eyes wide with innocence.

"I'm not Kate," I said. "I will wield my mighty frying pan and you will be a flat, spotted pancake. I'll tell Ren you were killed by some insane god. He'll never know the truth."

Princess Fou Mia decided that it was a good time to lick the side of my face with her wet tongue.

"Gods damn it," I said. "I have videotapes of you doing some not-very-princess like stuff and if you don't watch it, I _will_ show those video tapes to Ren and you won't be his precious little _Princess Fou Mia_ anymore."

Princess Fou Mia stared at me for a moment, Then, she removed her head from my stomach and slowly slunk away. I crossed my arms and leaned back in my seat. I had just blackmailed a cheetah. Gods, I was such a fucking badass. (Note the sarcasm)

"Princess Hannah!"

Two seconds later, Ren burst through the doors of the living room, his arms wide and a huge grin plastered across his face. Great. This wasn't going to end well.

"What do you want?" I asked waspishly.

Ren looked from me to Princess Fou Mia and back to me. "Aw!" he cried. "Were you two playing? That's so cute! My two most precious girls playing together! Bonding!" He sniffled. I'm pretty sure I saw a tear forming in his right eye. "It's beautiful."

Princess Fou Mia and I glared at Ren. Could he not read the situation!?

I glanced at Princess Fou Mia. She shook her spotted head. I sighed. She sighed. We looked back at Ren who was still rambling about his fantasies of having cosplaying tea parties with his two princesses.

"So what's the news on the war?' I asked.

"They depart tomorrow morning," said Ren. "Aram, who should win some kind of Academy award for his role of a double agent—his acting skills are gorgeous, is going to open a portal for them."

"So that's one day for us," I said. "How long is that for the Fence?"

"One week," said Ren. He hopped down on the couch next to me. "Your friends will be fine. We have a plan. And my plans never go wrong."

I snorted. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"Excuse me, Princess," said Ren. "Who is the general of the Dale's armies? I don't think it's you. Is it you? No. Because—oh wait—it's me." He laughed at his own lame joke. "Would you like some ice for that burn, Princess?"

"That is stupid on so many levels that I don't know how to respond," I said. "So I'm just going to hit you over the head with a frying pan." And I did.

Unfortunately, his godliness makes Ren recover ridiculously fast from deathly blows to the cranium with a frying pan. And he just sat their laughing at my attempt to kill him. Princess Fou Mia moved to put her head in Ren's lap and Ren petted her fondly.

"So guess who has an amazingly fantastical idea as to how we should spend the last-possible day of the Fence's existence," said Ren.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, let's remind me of how my friends and my home are on the brink of destruction at the hands of gods."

Ren frowned. "You aren't guessing."

"Guessing what?"

"Guessing who has an amazingly fantastical idea as to how we should spend the last day."

I stared. Ren grinned at me. I stared. Ren's smile got bigger. I stared. Ren was practically jumping up and down in his seat.

"You," I said.

"Wow!" cried Ren. "You're such an amazing guessing." Ren caught hold of Princess Fou Mia's cheeks and turned her head to face his. "Did you head that? My Princess Hannah is such an amazing guesser! She's so smart, isn't she?"

I resisted the urge to beat him over the head with the frying pan again. "What's the idea, Ren?"

"The idea?" Ren frowned. "I forgot."

"Ren. I will beat you so hard that even with your godly abilities your head will have a permanent dent in it."

Ren laughed. "Kidding! Kidding! JK—that is what all the kids are saying these days, right? JK. JK. JK." He laughed even harder. "Okay, okay, okay. So I'm going to teach you how to be a ghost."

"What?"

Ren nodded enthusiastically. "You're dead."

"Obviously."

"And one thing every dead person should experience is what it's like to be a ghost."

I stared. "I can _do _that?"

Ren nodded, his eye wide with excitement and his hair flopping everywhere.

"And you never thought to tell me that _before_?" I asked.

Ren paused and considered this. "Nope. Never crossed my mind."

I swear I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. "So many blackmail opportunities missed! Do you know how much easier it is to gain blackmail material when no one can see you? I could have been racking up blackmail gold instead of sitting on this hideous pink couch!"

"Hey!" cried Ren. "Don't insult Princess Fou Mia's interior decorating skills!"

"She's a fucking cheetah! And you don't get it! Ghostly hauntings are so sadistic! I can steal Dessie's coffee and blame it on Madara! I can finally haunt Tobi until he turns into the psychopathic serial killer that we all know he is deep down inside! And as a ghost I can bring my conning abilities to a whole new level! Can't you see it? Kakuzu can pose as a exorcist and I'll haunt people until they are driven to Kakuzu for help and he'll comb them for money until they're broke as fuck!"

Ren sat on the couch with his arms wrapped around Princess Fou Mia. He beamed at me. "You're so beautiful when you're being sadistic."

"Shut up, idiot."

Ren decided that the perfect place to begin the haunting was the Akatsuki hideout. Which was probably a bad idea since they were in the middle of a training session under Kesi. Kesi had her whip out and was shouting ridiculously things like "Make sure he screams!" and "It doesn't count if he doesn't feel the pain!" as the Shinobi leaned how to properly torture a prison captive for information. I think even Ibiki was learning valuable information on the art of torture. (Personally, I like Kesi. She has sadistic style.)

Ren and I were standing to the side of the practice field (completely invisible to the human eye). No one could see us. They just went about their business as usual—which meant that Zetsu and Deidara were trying to kill each other, Kate was complaining to Kisame about being pregnant and asking him to get her food (which he did), Hidan was trying to sacrifice random Konoha shinobi to Jashin, Dessie was trying to convince Sasori to come drinking with her, Hidan, and Deidara that night, Sasori was trying to find a way to kill an immortal, Konan was filing paperwork while glaring at Leader who was relaxing in his seat and eating a sandwich, Itachi was standing around like a badass, Tobi was stalking Madara and trying to see if he could touch Madara's spiky hair, Zetsu was picking out his dinner for that night (he couldn't decide between Chouji and Kankuro), and Kakuzu was trying to con the Raikage out of his national treasury.

I sighed. "Nothing's changed."

Ren laughed. "Your friends are so awesome. Maybe Princess Fou Mia and I should come live with you after the wa—"

"No."

Ren looked heartbroken. "Princess Hannah—you don't." He sniffled. "You don't love me?"

"No. Now stop crying and explain to me how I can drive these idiots insane."

"Well…you can't."

I stopped and turned to stare at Ren. "What?"

"Ghosts can't be heard by living people. Ghosts can't be seen by living people. Ghosts can influence things in the living world."

"_Then what was the point of bringing me here_!?

"We usually don't tell dead people that they can become ghosts," said Ren. "Because people just stand there and watch their kids or friends get on with life. And then the ghosts don't do anything but watch the people they know and they get depressed and don't eat and it's not a pretty picture. They get all twitchy and ectoplasmy."

"Ren…"

"Yes, Princess?"

"Why didn't you tell me this while I was giving my speech on ghostly sadism?"

Ren frowned. "But you looked so happy… I didn't want to crush your happiness."

"Well, you're crushing it now."

"Kisame! If you don't get me some tomato and mozzarella salad right now, then I am going into Pregnant Kate mode and you are _not_ going to like me when I'm in Pregnant Kate mode." Kate stood a little to my left, holding her bulging stomach and glaring over at her boyfriend.

Kisame grinned at her sheepishly. "But you don't like mozzarella…"

"I do now."

"But…" The smile faded from Kisame's face.

"Who's the pregnant woman here?" asked Kate, her blue eyes narrowing.

"You are…"

"Then get me some _damn mozzarella_." Kate glowered at Kisame's back as he scampered back to the hideout to get her food. I have never seen a blue man run so fast before.

"Whipped!" shouted Deidara.

"Kwa-tsssch!" added Dessie. (Kesi cracked her whip for the added effect.)

"It's good to know they're torturing Kisame in my absence," I said. "Even Kate is joining in." I glanced at Kate's bulging stomach and sighed. "If I'm not present for Baby Felix's birth there will be a whole lot of blackmail released into the world so that not even the gods will be able to show their faces again in public."

"That's my girl," said Ren. "She even has blackmail on the gods."

"I don't right now," I said. "But if I have to stay dead for much longer—oh, I will. I will make them kneel before me in pain and suffering until they beg for forgiveness but all I will say is—_you should have brought me back to life_."

Ren beamed at me. "You're such a pretty princess. All princesses should be like you and Princess Fou Mia."

"The world would certainly run more efficiently," I said.

"Like Hannah would ever be yours! You're more like a house plant than a boyfriend, uhn!"

"We are a great husband! We don't know what you're talking about! We will eat you before we ever let Hannah date you!"

I sighed. "And they're at it again. Someone, please, hit them over the head with a frying pan."

Deidara was trying to blow Zetsu to smithereens while Zetsu was trying to gnaw Deidara's arm off. Jashin and Warg were sitting in lawn chair a little ways away, eating popcorn and making bets on who would win. But then Zetsu tried to bite Deidara's shoulder and Deidara pushed Zetsu's teeth away with his hand. Except Deidara's hands have mouths on them. Which meant that there was some weird male-on-male action going on, which caused Warg and Jashin to lose interest.

"I deserve her more!" shouted Deidara. "I'm willing to accept her flat-as-a-washboard chest! The obstacles I will overcome to make our relationship possible, uhn!"

"We are better suited," said Zetsu. "We actually like flat-as-a-washboard chests!"

"Wait a second," said Jashin, turning back to the fight. "They're arguing about her bust size now."

"I'm betting it's an A cup," said Warg.

"It's probably secretly a C and she's just hiding its true potential."

"Don't get your hopes up," said Kakuzu. "She's a 32 A."

"That _asshole_," I said. I tried to beat him over the head with my frying pan, but it passed right through his head. "Ren! Do something."

Ren saluted me. He walked over, took the frying pan from my hands and whacked Kakuzu over the back of the head. Kakuzu jerked forward with the contact and fell on the floor. Jashin and Warg roared with laughter and gave Ren the thumbs up.

"I'll give you a nine-point-five for style," said Warg.

"The minus point-five was for the lack of a catchy line," said Jashin.

The two gods high-fived.

"They can see us?" I asked Ren.

"They are gods," said Ren. "As hard as it is to believe."

"Hey!" said Jashin. "We can hear you too."

Ren cackled and waltzed away, sticking his tongue out at Jashin and Warg. "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't harm me, I'm a ghostly man."

I rolled my eyes. "And he says it's hard to believe that _you're_ gods."

"WAH! TOBI! STOP FUCKING WITH MY BOYFRIEND! THAT'S MY JOB!"

I paused in the middle of trying to figure out how to properly torture Ren for deceiving me. I turned to see what Dessie was screaming about. She sprinted across the clearing to where Tobi was still trying to figure out is Madara's hair was as pointy as if looked.

"Wait…"

The truth slowly dawned on me. Slower than I would care to admit.

I stared in open-mouthed horror as I watched Dessie attempt to save Madara only to end up hug-tackled by Tobi and Madara, after a long debate with Dessie about who makes the morning coffee runs, saving her from Tobi.

"They're _dating_?" I asked.

"It looks like it," said Ren. "Aw. That's so cute. They're adorable together. Like the kind of adorable where I want to get little plushie dolls made of them and I can add the plushie dolls to my favorite plushie couple collection that I keep in my secret plushie closet that isn't really a secret because I told the entire world about it."

"Stop it with the plushies already, Ren," I said. "We have bigger problems to worry about."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that I was not there to reveal this epic Akatsuki scandal. I mean, really, who saw this one coming? I probably could have milked some money out of this one! And besides—I needed to be there to film everyone's reactions and use it for blackmail purposes! I mean, Leader must have had a total melt down—screaming like a girl and everything. And Hidan too. And Konan—what is she going to do with all her HidaDess Forever t-shirts?" I laughed. "I can probably sell them on the internet to all those struggling Team HidaDess fans. But—_no _—I can't do that because I'm _dead_." I paused and took a deep breath. "Well, I have the hidden cameras located all over the Akatsuki hideout, so I should still have some good blackmail experience on film as long as they don't happen in the blind spots. The only problem is selling the t-shirts. Kakuzu—if that boyfriend is good for anything, he should sell those damn t-shirts for me! Sell them, Kakuzu! Don't lose valuable moneymaking opportunities!"

"Aw," said Ren. "You're so adorable when you get hyper up about being evil. It doesn't happen often."

"Shut up." I crossed my arms and glared across the training field. "The Akatsuki is so lost without me." I sighed. "I think I have an Akatsuki complex. Man, I'm going to need some serious therapy when I come back to life."

"I'll be your therapist!" cried Ren.

"No. That would be Sasori."

"Sasori?"

"He's the Akatsuki's unofficial therapist. Everyone goes to Sasori for therapy."

"Really?" Ren frowned.

"Yep. He doesn't care enough to listen. He just works on his puppets while you rant about your problems. As long as you finish and get out of there before he finishes whatever deadly contraption he's working on, you're good."

Ren's frowned deepened. "So instead of coming to me for some awesome Princess Fou Mia cosplaying tea party therapy, you would rather go to a life-threatening session with a psychotic puppeteer?"

"There are so many things wrong with that question that I don't know where to begin." I turned and looked out over the practice field. "You know, I was hoping they'd be a miserable, moping mess without me."

"Well," said Ren. "The threat of eminent doom does bring out the best in people."

I shrugged. "True. But a moping pile of misery is so much better."

"Well," said Ren. "When you return to life and go back to the Fence, I will become a moping pile of misery. I'll spend every day drifting from room to room like a ghost and not even Princess Fou Mia will be able to cheer me up." Ren sniffled. "I'll probably try to drown myself in the pool a couple of times, but then I'll realize that I'm the god of the dead and I _can't die_." Ren let out a wail and collapsed to the ground. "And then, I'll just lock myself in my room and start counting down the days until your death by scratching tallies into the wall of my room. And, knowing my luck, you'll find a way to become an immortal sadist queen and I'll just have to come down to the Fence and kill you myself." Ren was sobbing on the ground.

So, I hit him over the head with the frying pan.

"Shut up," I said. "You're an idiot."

Ren bounced back to his feet and grinned at me. "But I made you slightly happier."

"No. You made me embarrassed to be around you when no one can even see or hear us." I sighed and took one final look around the camp. "Whatever. I'll be back in a couple days. And then I'll wipe the smiles off these assholes faces and they'll wish they had cried and wept for me." I turned to Ren. "Let's go back."

He saluted me. "Aye-aye, Princess!"

* * *

**A/N: Review. Or, well, I can't really ask you to review because I did just not update for six months. Haha. I'll just hide over here and hope that none of you are armed with sharp, pointy weapons.**


	64. Hannah's Video Of Evil Blackmail

**Chapter Sixty-Four: Hannah and Sasori's Video Of Evil Blackmail**

**Dessie**

Six days until the war starts and what were we doing?

"I'm bored."

Kisame threw his shoe at my head. "We know. You've been telling us that for the past two hours."

The Akatsuki was lounging about the living room Akatsuki style—which meant that Itachi was sitting in the armchair reading a book, Kate was sitting on the couch with her whipped boyfriend sitting on the floor in front of her. Sasori sat on Kate's right and Madara sat next to him. I was sprawled across Madara and Sasori's laps, trying to look even more bored than I actually was. Kakuzu was sitting at the coffee table going over his stock portfolios and Tobi was playing with his Nunu dolls. Konan was working through papers while Leader enjoyed a turkey sandwich. Deidara was making clay sculptures in one corner while Hidan prepared his capitulate of human body parts (the two of the, were planning on having a mini-war in the living room—no one told them that this was a bad idea and would probably result in Leader decapitating both of them and then switching their heads so he could watch them run around in panic.)

"I need Hannah here," I said. "Hannah would entertain me."

"Actually," said Kate. "I'm pretty sure she would hit you over the head with a frying pan and tell you to stop talking."

"I don't know," said Deidara. "I like the entertainment idea, uhn."

I snorted and threw Kisame's shoe at Deidara's head. "You and I have different ideas of entertainment."

"What?" asked Deidara. "You don't want to see Hannah do a strip stow, uhn?"

I paused and thought about it. "Actually, that would be hilarious. I so want to see that! Deidara—this is why we hang out."

Deidara didn't answer since he was busy fortifying his exploding walls.

"Give up," said Hidan. "You cannot defeat me!"

"Your puny walls of limbs cannot withstand my explosive, uhn," said Deidara.

"I'm immortal, bitch," said Hidan. "You puny explosives cannot withstand my immortality, _uhn_."

"Don't you uhn me, uhn."

"Uhn."

"Uhn, uhn."

"Uhn, uhn, uhn!"

"Uhn. Uhn. Uhn. Uhn."

"This war gets stupider by the second," said Kakuzu.

"I'm bored," I said.

Madara sighed and flicked the side of my head. I rubbed my head and glared at him reproachfully.

"You're annoying," said Madara. "I will kick you off the lap territory if you don't stop complaining."

"But I'm bored."

Madara pushed me off his lap. I landed on the flood with a heavy _thud_.

"Fucking damn it," I cried. "I think you injured my beautiful piece of ass."

"Looks fine to me," said Madara.

"You're not even looking!" I cried.

"I'm psychic."

"You have a psychic connection to my ass?" I doubled over, cracking up at my own joke. Everyone else in the room stared at me, stony-faced. (Apparently, they didn't have a sense of humor today.)

"I have the overwhelming urge to hit her over the head with a frying pan," said Kisame.

Deidara sighed. "Where's Hannah when you need her, uhn?"

"Dead," said Kakuzu.

"I think that was rhetorical," said Kate.

Tobi, who was sitting near the TV, picked up his Hannah-Nunu plushie. "Tobi has a Hannah-Nunu. Tobi loves Hannah-Nunu. But no matter how many times Tobi hugs this Hannah-Nunu, she doesn't curse and hit him. It makes Tobi sad."

"Yeah, yeah, Tobi," I said. "We're all suffering from Hannah withdrawal."

Sasori got off the sofa and headed for the door. The second I saw the seat was free, I let out a cry of glee and jumped onto the couch between Madara and Kate. The problem was that Kisame had the same idea. We had a momentary slappy fight, before Kisame knocked me to the floor and claimed he seat on the couch for himself. I sat on the floor, my arms crossed and glaring at Kisame. For a second, I debated hopping onto Kisame's lap, but Pregnant Kate turned her head and glared at me and I decided the floor was more comfortable than I first thought it was.

"AAAAAH!"

I spun around as Kisame let out a girlish scream and jumped out of his seat on the sofa. Sasori stood behind him, holding one of his sharpest puppets.

"You're in my seat," said Sasori.

"Where did you go, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Sasori hopped over the back of the couch and settled back in his seat. Then, he dropped something in my lap. It was a black DVD case. I opened it up and saw the disk inside.

"What's this?" I asked.

Sasori pointed at the VD player underneath the flat screen TV. I walked on my knees across the rough carpet and turned on the DVD player. Tobi's copy of the Teletubbies movie was still in there. I threw the Teletubbies DVD over my head—I think it might have it Hidan in the head—and replaced it with the DVD Sasori gave me. I grabbed the remote and sprinted back to the couch. I jumped on Madara's lap before he could push me off.

"Ah-ha!" I let out a cry of triumph. "Suck it!"

Madara rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted by the TV screen, which leapt to life and Hannah's face appeared.

She was sitting on a single bed in the basement of the Akatsuki hideout, the handheld camera facing her. Her eyes flashed with triumph and a sort of twisted grin crossed her face, like she was plotting something _really_ evil.

I squealed with delight and grabbed onto Sasori's arm. "Where did you find this?"

Sasori pointed at the TV. Hidan turned off the lights and the room was cast into darkness as the Akatsuki stared, transfixed at the TV.

* * *

Hannah crossed her arms and smirked at the camera. "If you're watching this video—_you know what you did_. You have severely pissed off the queen of sadism, and now, you must pay the penalty. The footage you are about to see contains _humiliating_ and _terrifying_ scenes from Sasori's therapy sessions—thank you, Sasori, for helping me gain this valuable blackmail information. Now, you who are about to enter the depths of my hellish domain, enjoy the show."

Hannah unleashed a demonic smile just before the screen buzzed black and then switched scenes.

* * *

Deidara was sitting on the end of Sasori's bed, facing the unseen camera. At the bottom of the TV screen, we could see Sasori's red head bobbing up and down out of view as he worked on one of his deadly puppets.

Deidara was fiddling with the bed covers as he tried to find words for what he was about to say.

"Sasori, uhn. I thought and thought about what to do, uhn. I couldn't think of anything, uhn. And I didn't know who to turn to, uhn. Hannah and Kakuzu would use this information for blackmail, uhn. And the others would just laugh at me, uhn. And Leader just doesn't care, uhn. But I thought you, uhn. You could help me, uhn." Deidara leaned forward. "You're a smart person, uhn."

Sasori ignored him and continued tinkering with the puppet.

"You're a smart, handsome puppet, uhn," said Deidara, smiling flirtatiously. "You won't leave your beloved DeiDei out to explode, uhn. You'll help out DeiDei, right? Uhn."

Ignored.

Deidara took a deep, nervous breath. "Tobi discovered my secret, uhn."

No reaction.

"He came into the bathroom one day, uhn. And found me, uhn, uhn, uhn. He found me singing _I'm a Barbie Girl_!" Deidara buried his face in Sasori's pillow and groaned. "I'll never hear the end of it! I heard Dessie singing it one day and it had a catchy tune and then I started singing it and I could understand what Barbie meant in those lyrics and it became a ritual for me to sing it every morning and then, and then, and then _Tobi discovered me_! Uhn!"

Deidara might have been crying in the pillow—we weren't sure.

Sasori sighed and then unleashed his puppet on Deidara. The next few minutes of the scene were spent with the puppet trying to dismantle a probably crying Deidara. It was quite entertaining.

* * *

The screen changed again and Tobi had taken Deidara's spot on Sasori's bed. Tobi was hugging Sasori's pillow to his chest as though the pillow was a Nunu plushie. We couldn't see Tobi's face because of the ridiculous orange mask, but we could see Tobi's one wide eye—and it was not a happy eye.

At the bottom of the screen, Sasori was working away on a different puppet.

"Sometimes," said Tobi in a hushed voice. "Tobi is not a good boy."

Sasori ignored him and brought out the saw.

"Tobi tries very hard to be a good boy. Tobi wants to make other people happy. But Tobi has an evil inside of him. It's twisted and ugly and deformed and Tobi tries to fight it." He swallowed. "Tobi tries. But sometimes, the evil has to be unleashed."

Sasori sawed away at a piece of wood that would late become the puppet's head.

"Tobi saw Deidara-senpai singing in front of the bathroom mirror and, and Tobi wanted to sing with Deidara-senpai, but Deidara-senpai swore he would blow Tobi to smithereens and he chased Tobi away. And, and Tobi was just so upset that Deidara-senpai didn't want to play with him! Tobi remembered all those times that Deidara-senpai didn't play with him…and Tobi…and Tobi… and Tobi _went and told Hannah-Nunu about Deidara-senpai singing_."

Sasori put the saw away and started sandpapering the head.

"Tobi is such a bad boy! Tobi is a terrible boy! Tobi deserves to be punished! Tobi has betrayed Deidara-senpai! Tobi deserved to have his intestines ripped out by Kakuzu-senpai's hearts and then have his body give to Hidan-senpai to be stabbed into mincemeat as a sacrifice to Jashin. Tobi should be left at the mercy of Konan-senpai and forced to do paperwork for the rest of his bad boy life! Tobi deserves to be cast into the black hole of cast-aside writing projects! Tobi is a bad boy! Tobi is a bad boy! Tobi is a bad boy! Tobi is a bad, bad boy!"

Tobi started bawling into Sasori's pillow.

Sasori stopped sandpapering and threw the puppet head at Tobi. Poisoned knives flew from the head's mouth. Tobi screamed and bolted out of the room, taking Sasori's wet pillow with him.

Sasori picked up the puppet head and then glanced at Kakuzu's bed on the other side of the room. He shrugged and then stole Kakuzu's pillow.

* * *

Another scene sprung to life, replacing the thieving Sasori. This time it was Konan sitting on the bed. She was leaning back against the headboard, the fluffy pillow bracing her back. She was fiddling with a piece of origami. As always, Sasori was working on his puppet. This time he was arming the thing with bottles of poison gas.

"I'm sick of it," said Konan. "I'm so sick of that no-good Leader. He's not even a real leader! If anyone should be leader of the Akatsuki, it should be me—I do all the paperwork around here! Leader doesn't even know how to read a stock portfolio!"

Sasori examined one of the jars thoughtfully.

"If he's going to use me as his slave, he should _at least_ have the courteously to listen to _my_ problems every once in a while! But _no_. The whole world revolves around mighty Leader-sama!" Konan crunched the origami in her fist. "When I have a problem it's—oh, that's nice, now can you make me a sandwich!?" Konan just realized that she had destroyed her paper crane. "Oh, no. Now look what I've done. I'm sorry, Paper. I didn't mean to—it's not your fault. I love you." She stroked the paper lovingly. "You're beautiful and strong and one day you'll be whole again. I won't let you go to the garbage heap. I'm going to recycle you like a responsible, paper-loving woman. I promise."

Sasori looked from the bottle of poisonous gas to Konan and back to the bottle of poisonous gas. He looked thoughtful.

* * *

Next, it was Leader sitting on the bed. He looked less comfortable than Konan as his arms were folded across his chest and there was a fixed scowl on his face.

"Konan told me you were a good person to vent my problems to."

Sasori made no sign that he had heard a word Leader had said.

"Not that I have any problems. I am the leader of the Akatsuki. My biggest problem is a stapler." Leader paused. His eyes knitted together and the frown on his face increased. "The stapler." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "My arch nemesis. That stapler has tried to assassinate me on several occasions. It has tried to staple my hand twice. It has tried to take my fingers off three times. It even tried to staple my perfect balls together once." Leader shivered. "Only last week I was signing some papers that Konan had prepared for me. I looked up and saw the stapler on the corner of my desk. I thought Konan had put it there as a joke." Leader reached behind him in search of something to hold onto. He found the pillow and lifted it to his chest. Leader clutched the pillow as tightly as he could, his face steadily growing white. "Five minutes later, I looked up and the stapler was an inch away from my hand. It was coming. It was coming for me."

Sasori stopped working and turned to glare at Leader.

"But like I said," said Leader, suddenly much more cheerful. "I don't have any problems. I don't know what Konan was talking about."

Leader hopped off the bed and left the basement, taking Sasori's pillow with him.

Sasori sighed before getting up and taking the pillow off Kakuzu's bed again.

* * *

The scene changed and Sasori was working on an eight-legged puppet. He was almost finished with the puppet when Hidan came screaming through the room and drove onto Sasori's bed. Hidan threw Sasori's pillow over his head and screamed into the sheets.

"I had a nightmare!" cried Hidan.

Sasori tightened a screw in the puppet's leg.

"I was skipping along a yellow-brick road with Dessie in a dog costume at my side. And then we met Deidara. And he was tied up in a corn field. Dessie-Dog greeted Deidara and Deidara _sang_ to us that he was punished to a life as a scarecrow because he had no brains. Dessie-Dog and I laughed at Deidara's misfortune and he tried to blow us up. Dessie-Dog and I ran away and soon we came to Leader who had turned to metal because he didn't have a heart. Dessie-Dog and I laughed at his misfortune and he tried to cut off our heads with his metal axe. Dessie-Dog and I barely got away. Then, we came across Zetsu in the forest and he was afraid of us because we looked scary with our hedge shearers. We laughed at Zetsu because he was a coward and then Zetsu tried to eat us. Dessie-Dog and I managed to get away, but we ran into a wicked witch, who told us that she was actually a he and he was actually Jashin and he wanted me to sacrifice Dessie-Dog to prove my loyalty to him. So, I sacrificed Dessie-Dog to prove my loyalty to him. But then, the evil witch announced that he wasn't actually Jashin, but, but, but…" Hidan swallowed and peeked out from beneath the pillow. "He was actually Four and I had converted to Fourism and I was such a terrible Jashinist that Jashin-sama would never want me back."

Hidan buried his face in the pillow again. "I'm dead! My life is over! Jashin is my one true love! How can this be! No! Never!"

Sasori put the finishing touches on his puppet and then set the wooden spider on Hidan.

Hidan screamed like a little girl and used the pillow to defend himself from the poisoned spider-fangs. Hidan bolted out of the room while Sasori went over to Kakuzu's bed and took the brand-new pillow from Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

* * *

Kate was hugging the brand-new pillow from Bed, Bath, & Beyond. She kept eyeing Sasori's new project suspiciously. The puppet was only in the beginning stages (Sasori was sawing pieces of wood again), so I don't think it was very deadly yet, but Kate was right to be suspicious—with Sasori's puppets, you can never tell.

Kate took a deep breath. And another. And another. She didn't seem to be able to get the words out. Even with the stolen pillow as comfort, Kate could only mouth the words. Finally, she took a long breath in and said, "I think I'm a sex maniac."

Sasori missed the wood and dropped the saw on the floor. He turned at stare at Kate. "What?"

Kate sniffled and used to corner of the pillow to wipe her runny nose. "Kisame and I like it dirty. We do it everywhere. The bed, the shower, the living room couch, the living room floor, the laundry room, the kitchen, Deidara's room, Zetsu's greenhouse… And we do it plenty of different ways. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. Standing butterfly. Sitting butterfly. Reserve standing, but almost sitting butterfly. We've even tried moves I've never heard of." Kate used to pillow to blow her nose. "But it's not enough."

Sasori looked as though he couldn't decide whether to use the saw to take on Kate's head or his own.

"I've had these…_dreams_," said Kate. "Where Kisame and I will be doing it in the greenhouse—by Zetsu's gigantic Venus flytrap that eats everything that moves." Kate swallowed and managed a watery smile. "The danger gives the sex a little extra edge." She wailed and buried her face in the pillow. "Kisame and I will be doing it by the Venus flytrap…And then, Madara will come and join in. And it's not like I have any emotional feeling for Madara," said Kate. "It's just… have you _seen_ those abs? Not when he's in Tobi's body. But if you see pictures of him when he was _alive_, if you ignore the spiky hair, he has _nice abs_. And I really like nice abs. Kisame had nice abs too. And Itachi. And Deidara. And Hidan. And Tobi, even. Leader has a really nice stomach. Like six-pack nice. Even Zetsu has _something_. Kakuzu too. You'd be surprised how much muscle _he's_ got. And you. You know, Sasori, you have nice abs too."

Kate paused to consider this while Sasori picked the saw up off the floor.

"You know. I wouldn't mind just locking all the Akatsuki guys in the basement with me and having a massive orgy—Stop!"

Kate clasped her hands over her ears. "Stop! Stop! Stop! Felix stop! This isn't me! I am not a sexual demon! I'm not! I don't have fantasies about the other Akatsuki members!"

"Admit it," said Felix, removing his hands from his ears. "You're a sexual demon. You secretly want whips and leather and to tied Kisame to a chair and go at it for hours."

"No," wailed Kate. "That's you."

"Excuse me," said Felix. "Kisame is my one true love. I would never consider _Madara_ over Kisame. Let alone frigging Zetsu."

"Okay," Kate aid, sniffling. "So maybe I had an orgy fantasy…once. But Kisame is my one true love too!"

"He's mine, bitch," said Felix.

"He's mine!" cried Kate. "Mine! You keep your hands off him! I know your secrets! You pretend to be a badass, sassy homosexual trapped in a woman's body, but really you're just a sacred little boy!"

Felix scoffed. "And you pretend to be a frightened, innocent woman, but in reality, you're a _sexual predator_."

Kate glared. "Well then, Maybe _I'm_ actually Felix and _you're_ Kate."

Felix-but-possibly-Kate flipped himself off. "Maybe."

Kat paused and then looked around the room. "Hey. Where'd Sasori go?"

Felix took over the body and followed Kate's lead, searching the corner of the room for Sasori. "I think he's gone."

"Huh," said Kate. "I wonder why." She glanced down at the drooled on, snotty pillow in her arms. "I think I might have ruined his pillow."

* * *

Sasori was back in his room, working with the saw again. Tobi was sitting on Sasori's bed with a clean, white pillow behind him. On the other side of the room, Kakuzu's bed hosted a snotty, tear-stained pillow.

When Tobi spoke, however, it was not Tobi, but Madara. The voice was deep and villainous. (It was the voice of a bad boy.) Madara's one visible eye narrowed and he said, "I think I have a stalker."

Sasori didn't respond. I think he learned from his last session _not_ to listen to the confessions.

Madara frowned behind the mask. "I keep finding pictures of me hidden away around the hideout. Particularly my abs. And it's not me in Tobi's body. It's me in my old body. Back when I had great hair."

Sasori continued sawing away at the wood.

"I've tried to figure out who the stalker is," said Madara. "But the only possibilities I could come up with are Dessie, Deidara, Konan, and Tobi. But all my sources say that Dessie and Hidan are together. Deidara is only interested in females, I think. And Konan is only interested in paper—though she could only like the pictures for the paper they are printed on." Madara frowned. "Tobi is the only possibility. But I can't tear my own head off and feed it to the rabid dogs that live in the woods around the hideout." Madara sighed. "The problems of sharing a body with a psychotic molester who tries to be a good boy."

Madara paused and then glanced over at Kakuzu's bed. "I didn't know Kakuzu cried into his pillow at night. He doesn't seem the type."

Sasori grunted in response.

* * *

The scene changed and Kakuzu was glaring at his bed. "When I find out who has been stealing my pillow, there will be hell to pay! And not just financially! Did you know, I actually have a Bed, Bath, & Beyond membership because of the number of pillows I buy from there!? The clerk actually knows me by name! When I find out who has been fucking with my pillows, I will rip out their heart and eat it from breakfast. Uncooked."

Sasori nodded and continued filling the puppet's chest with poison needles.

* * *

Dessie (that's me! I was on TV!) was sitting on the edge of Sasori's bed while Sasori painted his puppet's face. Dessie wasn't paying any attention to what Sasori was doing. She was focused on her bust.

"Dessie Junior has an inferiority complex," said Dessie, sighing.

"I don't want to know," said Sasori.

"I thought you were supposed to be the Akatsuki therapist," said Dessie.

Sasori grunted in response.

"Well," said Dessie. "Dessie Junior needs therapy." She waited for Sasori to respond, but when he didn't, Dessie shrugged and carried on talking.

"Dessie Junior." Dessie pointed to her left breast. "Is jealous because she thinks that LaFondla." Dessie pointed to her right breast. "Is slightly bigger. I've tried to explain to Dessie Junior that they both fit in the same cup bra, but Dessie Junior doesn't believe me. Dessie Junior also thinks that LaFondla is a slut who likes to hog all the playtime. I've tried to explain to Dessie Junior that LaFondla's name does not indicate that she is the preferable player in the fondling game, but Dessie Junior doesn't believe me. Dessie Junior is a stubborn, jealous bitch and I was hoping that as the Akatsuki therapist, you could help me deal with Dessie Junior's awful attitude towards her sister."

Sasori sighed. He picked up his half-finished puppet and said, "I have been working on a way to kill immortals. Would you like to be my test subject?"

Dessie stopped trying to scold her boobs. She glanced at the puppet and then at Sasori and then decided that it was best to leave. That didn't stop her from stealing Sasori's pillow in the process.

* * *

Itachi was standing over Sasori as Sasori placed the finishing touches on his most recent puppet.

Itachi crossed his arms. "Hn."

[Itachi's "hn" as translated by Kisame: Everything I do, I do like a badass. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to be a badass. People feel distanced by my badassery. They feel they cannot compete with my badassery and they simply let me be the number one badass around. And while I enjoy being the number one badass around, I like to prove it. If no one will compete with me, I cannot prove that I am the number one badass around. And without that, I feel incomplete. Sometimes—and only sometimes—I wish I was a little less of a badass, But only so I can prove how much of a badass I really am. I only wish this sometimes. Then, after much more thinking, I realize that I was born to be a badass, and the burden of badassery is something I must bear to the end of my days—like a badass.]

Sasori turned and stared at Itachi. "I have no idea what you just said."

"Hn."

[Itachi's "hn" as translated by Kisame: I'm too badass for you, bitch.]

* * *

Kisame was sitting in Sasori's bed, the duvet pulled over his stomach and his arms wrapped around Sasori's pillow. Kisame sighed dramatically and waited for Sasori to say something. Sasori ignored Kisame and continued polishing his puppet. Kisame coughed. No response from Sasori. Kisame sighed and then said, "I don't think I'm perverted enough for my girlfriend."

Sasori stopped polishing and turned to glowered at Kisame.

"I mean," said Kisame. "I'm known as being the biggest pervert in the Akatsuki. Except maybe Deidara. But he can get off on plant porn, so there's no way I can compete with that." Kisame sighed. "But when it comes to females—I'm the king of perverts. I know all the positions. Even Soaring Eagle with Snappy Crocodile ending in a Bang and Drop. And people say that move is impossible to execute, but I do it with style and even add a Horizontal Penguin Barbeque to the end. I mean, _I am perverted_. But not as perverted as my girlfriend."

Sasori looked as though he wanted to take the bottle of polish and shove it down Kisame's throat.

"I'm afraid my girlfriend is going to go find more perverted men that me to satisfy her desires," said Kisame. He hugged the pillow even tighter. "I think I would die. She's my precious, perverted girlfriend. What would I do without her? Not only is she adorable and a great cook, but she's freaking amazing in bed." Kisame shuddered. "What if she shows her skills to some other guy!?"

Sasori stepped back to admiring his newly finished puppet.

"I will kill that guy," said Kisame. "I would show him the true meaning of the film _Jaws_. He would make him scream and cry and weep until he realized that true perversion is not made within the sheets, but with a real, solid sword." Kisame paused. "I mean an actually sword. Not a penis."

And then Sasori tried to kill Kisame with his puppet.

Kisame screamed and fled.

And once again, Sasori found himself pillowless.

* * *

"We have a confession to make."

Sasori held out his hand.

Zetsu sighed and handed Sasori a ten-dollar Bed, Bath, & Beyond gift card. Sasori inspected it and then returned to his new puppet designs. Zetsu sat down on Sasori's bed and picked up the pillow.

"We are an evil plant," said Zetsu. He started to munch on the pillow.

Sasori ignored him.

"We have…secret cravings…" said Zetsu. "Some nights we have dreams. About eating. Salads. We think they'd taste yummy. And green. Like earth and vegetables. We like earth and vegetables." Zetsu chewed on some goose feathers and white fabric. "Salads would taste much better than this pillow."

Sasori used a ruler to draw some lines on the paper.

"We don't want to like vegetables," said Zetsu. "We love vegetables. We love our Venus flytrap that eats everything in sight." Zetsu paused. He shuddered. "There was one night. One night were we woke up in the green house and we discovered." Zetsu swallowed. "We woke up and discovered that we had been sleepwalking. And while we were sleep walking, we started _eating_ the Venus flytrap."

In his panic, Zetsu gulped down the rest of the pillow whole.

"We're a terrible person," wailed Zetsu. "We should go sacrifice ourselves to the King of Venus Flytraps. Perhaps then he will forgive us for our cannibalistic ways." Zetsu, as if in a trance, got up from the bed and headed toward the exit.

Sasori waited until Zetsu had disappeared. Then, Sasori got up and took the pillow from Kakuzu's bed. Sasori replaced the pillow with the ten-dollar Bed, Bath, & Beyond gift card Zetsu had given him.

* * *

"Momo asked me out on a date."

Sasori glanced up from his puppet work to see Kakuzu standing over him. Kakuzu was holding a brand new pillow from Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

"Who is Momo?" asked Sasori.

"The clerk at Bed, Bath, & Beyond," said Kakuzu. "I've been there so often that I know her whole life story." Kakuzu snorted. "At least the pillow thief had the decency to leave behind a gift card this time."

Sasori nodded.

"I told Momo that I was in a committed relationship," said Kakuzu. "And the reason I keep buying new pillows is because my girlfriend is vicious in bed. And in real life. And if my girlfriend knew that Momo was hitting on me, she would tear Momo's eyes out with gardening shears."

Sasori grunted.

"Momo closes her register whenever I approach now," said Kakuzu smugly.

"You and Hannah don't have sex," said Sasori.

"Of course not," said Kakuzu, tossing his new pillow onto his bed. "I'm sarmassophobic."

* * *

Hannah was sitting on Sasori's bed again, the demonic grin on her face had not changed. "And this, my treacherous dear, is why you never cross me. I have plenty more tapes with even more humiliating information on you. If you do not do exactly as I say, these tapes will be released to the public and you will have to dig your own grave because the grave diggers will be too busy laughing to dig it for you."

And with those cheerful words, the screen went blank.

* * *

We sat in the dark living room, staring at the black TV screen. I'm not sure who it was that spoke first, but someone turned to Kakuzu and said, "_You're_ sarmassophobic?"

Kakuzu looked murderous.

"Wait," said Konan. "I thought it was Hannah who is sarmassophobic."

"It is," I said. "Hannah is definitely sarmassophobic."

"Then…"

We all stared at Kakuzu.

Deidara was holding back laughter. "They're both sarmassophobic, uhn!"

Kakuzu ground his teeth together. "I'm going to bring that bitch back to life. I'm going to fight all the godly armies I can until they're dust in the ground and Hannah is a living, solid being again. And then, I'm going to kill her. I'm going to kill her so hard she can never come back to life." Kakuzu paused. "Right after I get back the money she owes me."

* * *

**A/N: Review. Or you will find humiliating and terrifying videos of you released to the public and you will have to enter your grave early because you would rather die than see everyone's laughing faces. But when you got to your grave, you realize that it does not exist because the grave diggers are too busy laughing as they watch videos of you at your stupidest. So you will have to dig your own grave and while you are digging your own grave, you'll look up at the sky and realize that you could have avoided all of this if you had only reviewed. **

**Have a nice day!**


	65. The Consequences Of Blackmail

**Chapter Sixty-Five: The Consequences Of Blackmail**

**Kate**

"Oh how I miss Hannah," said Dessie, cackling with laughter.

"I miss her too," said Deidara. "But _man_ I forgot how much of a bitch she can be, uhn."

Dessie wrapped her arms around Madara's neck and stuck her tongue out at Deidara. "Oh, can it, Barbie."

"What did you say, uhn!?" Deidara leapt to his feet and pulled a ball of explosive clay out of his pouch. "You wanna go? Huh? Huh?"

"Excuse me!" I cried. "Pregnant woman over here! Any fights to the death should be taken outside and _away _from the baby."

"I can't take anything you say seriously anymore," said Hidan. "Whenever I look at you, all I can see is that fucking psychotic woman who wants to lock us all in the basement and have an orgy."

"It was that time of the month!" I cried, burying my face in my hands. "And Felix had taken over my body. It was Felix!"

"Felix is only interested in Kisame," said Konan. "We all know that. And besides, we all know from Hada that you're attracted to Madara."

"He has nice abs!" I wailed.

"That he does," said Dessie smugly. "_Really_ nice."

"If you don't stop talking right now," said Leader. "I'm going to punch Dessie Junior so hard that LaFondla will hurt."

Dessie squeaked and clutched her chest. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Watch me."

"Leader's just upset because his intense fear of staplers was exposed, uhn," said Deidara, still making a homing bird out of his clay. He kept leering at Dessie and she would make faces in his direction, tauntingly.

"I'm not afraid of staplers!" cried Leader. "They're afraid of me!"

"They're inanimate objects," said Kisame. "How can they be afraid of you?"

"In—inanimate!?" Leader shook his head. "That's what they _want_ you to think. They pretend to be dead, but when you're not looking—they come for you. They want to stapler your balls together."

We all stared at Leader for a moment. No one was quite sure what to say in response to that.

"The funniest part," said Dessie. "Is that Kakuzu is sarmassophobic."

"We don't think it's funny," said Zetsu.

"I think it's hilarious," said Deidara. "Think about it. Their relationship is doomed. Neither one of them wants to touch each other, uhn."

"We think it helps their relationship," said Zetsu. "They have no desire to touch each other. So their relationship has to exist on a deeper level."

Deidara stopped. And stared. His face changed as each thought ran through his head. Shock. Surprise. Understanding. Denial. Rage. Acceptance. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, UHN!?"

"He understands," said Dessie cheerfully.

"God damn it," said Deidara. "I have been part of Hannah's harem for a long time—pretty much since she first arrived here—and she's only ever treated me like a fucking pet, uhn. But then _you_." Deidara rounded on Kakuzu. "You come along and say 'Oh, I'm afraid of relationships and lovey dovey stuff.' And BAM! You're in a relationship! In what world is this fair, uhn!?"

"Barbie has entered the jealous phase," said Dessie.

"I didn't know Barbie could be jealous," I said. "I thought she has the perfect figure. How could she be jealous of anyone?"

"Perfect figure?" Dessie scoffed. "Obviously she hasn't met me yet."

"You're a bitch," said Madara.

"Of course," said Dessie. "But I'm your bitch."

Madara laughed and leaned over to kiss Dessie.

"Man," I said, sighing. "That's hot." (I didn't really say that. Hannah's just blackmailing me into saying something perverted. She thinks it's funny. I'm really not like that at all.)

"Hold on, hold on," said Kisame, shoving his hand between Madara and Dessie's faces. "Save the hot stuff for the bedroom."

Dessie turned away from Madara and stuck her tongue out at Kisame. "You're just jealous because your girlfriend likes to watch."

"No, I don't!" I said. "I'm pregnant. It makes me horny."

"Sure it does," said Leader.

"It's okay to be horny," said Hidan. "We all get fucking horny sometimes. You should have told us sooner and Deidara and I would have invited you to one of our movie nights."

"By movies," said Deidara, pausing in the middle of trying to kill Kakuzu. "By movies he means porn."

"I don't like porn," I wailed, covering my face with my hands. "I'm a good girl! I'm a good girl!"

There was the click of a door opening. "All I heard was something about porn nights—you got my interested." Killer Bee stood in the doorway of the living room, leaning into the room with a sloppy grin on his tan face. Ei stood in the hallway behind his brother, shaking his head.

"Next Friday," said Deidara. "My room. We have this new tape that features cowgirls and alienettes."

"Sounds frisky," said Ei.

"Count me in," said Bee.

"Well," said Ei. "I have to make sure Bee doesn't do anything stupid. I guess I'll have to come along too."

"Can I come?" asked Dessie.

"Nope," said Hidan. "Only singles allowed."

Deidara mouthed an apology at Dessie.

"What!?" cried Dessie. "But we're the three amigos. We got drunk off eggnog together."

"No we didn't," said Hidan quickly.

"I don't know what you're talking about, uhn," said Deidara, shaking his head.

"What's going on?" asked Ei. "I feel like there's an epic story behind this."

"Less epic and more disgusting," said Konan. "There was a lot of throwing up in the toilet involved. Mainly from Hidan."

"Stop fucking talking," said Hidan.

"That's in the suppressed memories file, uhn," said Deidara.

Dessie cackled with laughter. "Men and their weak stomachs."

"Why do you want to go to porn night so badly anyway?" asked Madara. "We can do anything on those videos and ten times hotter."

Dessie turned to look at her boyfriend with hope in her eyes. "Even cowgirls and alienettes?"

"Only if I get to be a cowboy."

"And this is why I love you," said Dessie.

"Hold it!" said Kisame, pushing Dessie and Madara's heads as far apart as he could without knocking Dessie off the couch. "Get a room!"

Madara glared at Kisame through Kisame's blue fingertips. Madara's red eyes flashed and basically, his Uchiha vibes were saying "Get the Fuck Off Of Me Or I Will Rip You Arms From Their Sockets And You Will Never Interrupt My Sex Talk Again."

"Please," said Dessie, pushing Kisame's arms away. "It's not like you and Kate don't flirt with each other all the time in public."

"It's _shameless_, uhn," said Deidara.

Dessie clasped her hands together and let out a dramatic sigh. "Oh, Kisame, I'm not the sexual demon that they all say I am."

"Of course not," said Deidara, deepening his voice so it would sound like Kisame. "You're only a sexual demon when I'm around. Which is all the time."

Dessie gasped. "Not you too!" She shaved her hand in Deidara's face. "I'm ignoring you now. Instead, I'm going to chase after Madara and his sexy, sexy abs."

Madara stared at Dessie. "What's your name again?"

Dessie gasped even more dramatically than before. "Your words! They wound me! I thought we had something special!"

"Madara!" cried Deidara, leaping forward. "How dare you hit on my woman! Face the rather of my giant sword—which is not a sexual innuendo or anything. I actually have a giant sword."

Madara yawned. "Are we done yet?"

"Kisame!" Dessie wailed, stretching out her arms to Kisame. "Take me back! I love you and only you! I'll only be a sexual demon around you—which is weird since we're together _all the time_."

"Ha. Ha. Ha." Kisame slapped Dessie's arms down. "You guys are _very_ funny."

"I'm not like that at all!" I cried.

"I thought the acting was very realistic," said Konan.

"I deserve an Oscar," said Dessie, bowing to Konan and the rest of the Akatsuki.

"Madara's acting was the best," said Leader. "It's like he knew exactly what was going through Madara's mind at the time."

"Well," said Madara. "I do feel as though Madara and I have a psychic connection of sorts."

"You're all mean," I said. "Kisame!" I wrapped my arms around his neck (which is awkward to do with a swollen stomach.) "They're bullying me!"

"And there we go," said Dessie smugly. "A typical day in the Kate and Kisame relationship."

"They're so adorable," said Konan.

"Stupid couple, uhn," said Deidara, crossing his arms. "Hannah and I would be a cuter couple, uhn."

"No," said Konan, crossing her arms and mimicking Deidara's facial expression. "Dessie and Hidan would make a cuter couple."

"Hello," said Dessie, waving her arms about. "I'm right here. With my boyfriend. Who is not Hidan."

"Don't ruin it," said Madara. "I find her denial amusing."

"This is fucking stupid," said Hidan, getting to his feet. "I'm so fucking sick of you guys who keep going Dessie-and-Hidan-should-be-together-forever. Because we're fucking no. She's fucking happy with fucking Madara Uchiha and I'm fucking happy because I've found the fucking love of my fucking life."

A silence fell over the Aaktsuki, we exchanged puzzled glances while Ei and Bee just looked completely baffled as to anything that had just happened.

"You found someone else?" I asked.

"What about the Love Guru?" asked Kisame, his voice getting smaller and smaller.

"I don't know how I could ever be attracted to someone as pitiful as Dessie," said Hidan. He sighed dramatically. "She is nothing compared to the real thing."

"Bitch," said Dessie. "Her boobs have nothing on me."

"It's not her boobs," said Hidan. "It's her personality. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. Divine. I would wait for her forever."

"Who is it, uhn?" asked Deidara.

Sasori sighed. "Don't tell me it's a puppet again."

"Of course fucking not," said Hidan. "Don't mistake me for Deidara."

"Hey!" cried Deidara. "It was one time—and I was drunk! And you guys said never to tell that story, uhn!"

"As funny as this is," said Konan. "We're still trying to figure out who the love of Hidan's life is if it isn't Dessie."

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Hidan. "It's Kesi."

…

"Kesi?"

"Yeah."

"Kesi?"

"Yes."

"Kesi?"

"Yes, I'm fucking sure!"

"Kesi as in Jashin's wife and the goddess of S in the S and M."

Hidan grinned and nodded enthusiastically. "I should have known that Jashin-sama would marry the perfect woman. He is my _god_!"

Konan sighed and slapped a hand to her forehead. "I should have known."

"Aw," said Dessie. "You two would make such a cute couple. You and Jashin should fight to the death for her."

"You do realize that she's a married woman, uhn," said Deidara.

"That never stopped you," said Hidan. He had this lovesick glaze over his purple eyes It was kind of creepy. Like I wanted to run to the bathroom and scrub all the creepy in-love Hidan vibes off my skin.

"Jashin's going to kill you," said Dessie gleefully.

"We should get coffee and watch," said Madara.

"Oh, let's," said Dessie.

"We wouldn't mind watching," said Zetsu. "We could enjoy Hidan's leftovers."

"Shut up," said Hidan. "My love is fucking pure. I will wait all eternity for Kesi."

"Just as I'll wait all eternity for Hannah to outgrow her sarmassophobia. In the meantime," said Deidara, wrapping an arm around Hidan's shoulders. "We can have porn nights. I hear there's a new DVD coming out. It's called _Vampire Chicks That _Really_ Suck_, uhn"

"Oh," said Bee. "Sign me up for that one."

"I'll call," said Deidara.

"I don't think I have your number," said Bee, pulling out his cellphone (because ninjas are really up-to-date on their technology).

Deidara and Bee crowded around Bee's cellphone as the rest of the Akatsuki watched.

"This is not acceptable!" cried Leader, jumping to his feet. "Bee is the Eight Tails Jinchuriki! We cannot be having porn nights with the Eight Tails Jinchuriki! We are the fearsome and evil Akatsuki! The fact that we are getting along right now is in the face of the destruction of the world! When this is all over, we will go back to hating each other like normal criminals! Understand?"

"Leader-sama," said Tobi, inching his way across the room. "Tobi thought Deidara-senpai was going to invite Bee over for a porn night. Then, when Bee was unsuspectedly jacking off the alienettes, the Akatsuki would kill him." Tobi paused and then smiled. "Tobi is a good boy."

…

Dessie screamed and jumped over the back of the sofa. Kisame yelped and scooped me off the couch. He carried me to the farthest corner of the room, screaming something about how Tobi should not hurt the pregnant woman. Deidara and Hidan cowered behind Dessie while Leader used Konan as a shield. Except Konan was trying to run out the door and she kept trying to slap Leader for holding her back. Zetsu burrowed into the ground and disappeared from sight while Kakuzu grabbed all his money and bolted from the room. Sasori yawned and muttered something about that being unnatural, while Madara stretched out across the whole sofa now that there was room. Itachi glanced up from his book, said "Hn," and then returned to reading.

Bee and Ei exchanged confused glances.

"I don't get it," said Bee.

"Tobi is a good boy," said Tobi. "Why is everyone running away from a good boy?"

"He's going to destroy us all," whispered Hidan.

"Ka-boom!" said Deidara, making hand gestures.

"Kakuzu was the smart one," said Dessie. "We should have ran while we had the chance."

Tobi coughed. "Tobi meant that the Akatsuki should invite Bee over for dinner and have a drinking party with lots of fun and games! Tobi likes Bee! Tobi thinks the Akatsuki should be friends with Bee!"

The Akatsuki breathed a sigh of relief.

"Tobi's back to being a good boy," I said.

"I was worried for a second there," said Konan.

Hidan shuddered. "I'm sleeping with a fucking knife under my pillow."

"I'm not sleeping tonight. End of story," said Kisame.

"Join the club," said Dessie. She hopped over the back of the couch and landed on Madara's stomach. "Why weren't you afraid?"

"I lived inside his head," said Madara. "I know every single one of his bad boy thoughts."

"And his good boy ones?" asked Dessie.

"They're mostly bad boy thoughts," said Madara.

Bee and Ei stood in the middle of the room. At first they were confused, but now they were laughing whole-heartedly.

"You people are so weird," said Bee.

Leader glared. "We're not weird. We're Akatsuki."

"It's pretty much the same thing," I said.

Leader glowered at me.

"Or not," I squeaked. And then I hid behind Kisame.

* * *

**A/N: I don't think I've written a chapter like this in a looong time. I had fun writing it. **

**Review. Or Tobi is going to go all bad boy on you and whoop your ass!**


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